husband jokes' about my body

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  • Momjogger
    Momjogger Posts: 750 Member
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    I am horrified for you. This is thinly veiled verbal abuse. Is he intimidated by you or does he have low self-esteem and is he trying to erode YOUR self esteem? YES HE IS. Some people with low self confidence feel they have to break down their partner to keep them. You need to get help with this before you have a baby with this man. I recommend therapy. If he won't go with you, you go for yourself. I send you good thoughts and hopes that you look in the mirror and tell yourself that you love yourself, are worthy of love, and respect and caring and are beautiful and may you NEVER cry again from unkind words from someone who is supposed to lift you up and not tear you down.
  • Smeltzer2
    Smeltzer2 Posts: 210 Member
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    Oh well. What can I say too little male testorone. Heeee heeeee
  • poohbah4
    poohbah4 Posts: 127
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    You are already at the lower extreme of "normal" weight for 5'8". For pete's sake, you don't have all that much in the way of reserves, even if you WEREN'T pregnant. Talk to your doctor about what you should be eating and how much, and tell your pathetic little husband to put a sock in it. :angry:
  • Lundatica
    Lundatica Posts: 16 Member
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    Sounds manipulative and abusive at face value. Which is a polite way to say "raging douche canoe". I'm so sorry you are stuck having your baby with this useless pos. Unfortunately verbally abusive narcissists don't come with a warning tag and usually wait until pregnancy (or other major commitment) to start their micro aggressions to feel the waters before going full psycho on their partner as they think this means the partner is stuck now.

    Please take care of yourself and keep an eye out for increasing boundary creep. Maybe he's "just" an insensitive jerk but don't accept his crap. I second everyone who suggests staying with friends or relatives a while.

    It's just not the "tease" in itself, annoying as it is, but he is supposed to be your best support through this and instead he is failing you. Making you feel insecure, stressed and unprotected. I can't lie, that doesn't sound like great father material.

    Many hugs. You do not deserve this. You deserve support and for your home to be a safe zone.
  • valente347
    valente347 Posts: 201 Member
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    Your husband sounds like a mean and unhappy person. I can understand the sentiment behind giving him a dose of his own medicine, but in my experience, people who are wrapped up in themselves don't see the irony.

    My advice is to set limits and follow through. Decide what you will do the next time he makes a comment, and do it. I would suggest telling him in a calm voice that his commenting is very hurtful. If he tries to play it off or make it your fault, calmly get up and leave. Tell him you will be willing to interact with him when he apologizes. You don't need to explain yourself - he should know better. You really have to follow through, though - don't let him drag you into engaging with him.

    I would also think hard about the reality of him changing. Someone who is emotionally manipulative like this is hard to live with. You've got a lot on your plate right now with the pregnancy. If he doesn't respond quickly to your behavior modification plan (can you tell I work with students with problem behaviors?), you might want to consider if you can deal with this long-term.
  • HanamiDango
    HanamiDango Posts: 456 Member
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    What happens when your hair turns gray? Is he going to switch you out for a perfect model? He is not always going to be hot stuff either. If he is asking how he looks to you, I would say he has low self confidence like another poster mentioned. I really do not have much advice, but glad to know you love yourself. Might be time for some counseling for both of you. I wish you luck!! :flowerforyou:
  • bheathfit
    bheathfit Posts: 451 Member
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    Book:

    Boundaries
    Written by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend.
    ISBN-13 978-0-310-24745-6

    May not fix everything, but will give you a place to start...
  • tagben2010
    tagben2010 Posts: 7 Member
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    Thank you all for your messages and your advices. It actually made me feel way better. We live overseas, and all my family is in the US, but I will go away at least for the week end, I wont try to explain anything to him, just tell him that I need a break for a couple of days, we are supposed to be gettkng a heat wave over the weekend, so I will get some Quality me time before the work week starts.. Hopefully having some time by himself will makes him realize that his Jokes arent actually funny !!
    I just cant belive he is sleeping soundly, no guilt or concern what so ever....grrrrrrrrr
  • xPeacefulx
    xPeacefulx Posts: 59 Member
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    Ask him to drop his pants. Look at him for a second, then smirk a little, shake your head and walk away.

    When he mentions it, tell him you are just teasing and he should quit be so super sensitive.


    yup id do it :laugh: ....... i gained 60 pounds when i was pregnant with my son and my boyfriend dident say anything regards to my weight. Still hasent thank god because id be the same way as you. very self conscious when i am already. :frown: ..... But dont let him get to you. your taking care of that little life inside of you.... its okay if you gain weight. I would try to give him a taste of his own medicine though so he figures out that even "joking around" is very hurtful. :) but dont get to caught up on not gaining weight or being to concerned on what the hubby thinks . Because you can always loose it if your not happy. Plus you'll be chasing around a little one here in no time ( i am and he keeps me on my toes) But i hope everything goes well.....Congrats on your little miracle :)
  • 1swolpanda
    1swolpanda Posts: 120 Member
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    to be honest actually just hearing about this pisses me off, you have nothing to worry about, he is just an idiot, you are creating a life within your body, what is he doing other than putting you down in your life? he is worthless, and i am sorry i am saying this because i know he is your husband but any man that treats a girl like this deserves to be hit, so what if u gained some weight, its not a big deal, it is all due to having the child in you, its good for you to gain the weight, and just keep your nutrient levels and stay hydrated, use coconut oil on the skin to help with u not to gain stretch marks if that will help ease you a little but next time he says anything just ignore him, he knows nothing!!!
  • StaciMarie1974
    StaciMarie1974 Posts: 4,138 Member
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    Some people don't get it. He has a different sense of humor than you do, and what he finds amusing: you don't. Try to remind yourself that he doesn't mean anything by it. Ultimately also try to work thru the feelings you have about your body image.
  • peacefulsong
    peacefulsong Posts: 223 Member
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    Some people don't get it. He has a different sense of humor than you do, and what he finds amusing: you don't. Try to remind yourself that he doesn't mean anything by it. Ultimately also try to work thru the feelings you have about your body image.

    See, I disagree that he doesn't mean anything by it. This is behavior designed to wreck self-esteem and increase dependence, implying that he tolerates it but she's clearly subpar. I don't know the OP's situation other than what has been said here but this, on its own, sounds very much like abuse. Putting her down, then making it HER fault that she's upset about it. All the while seeking her attention and praise. Bottom line is, even in the (imo) unlikely event that it really is just innocent joking around in his mind, she's made it clear that his 'jokes' are hurtful. Being dismissive of that isn't really any better. If you're hurting someone you love by something as pointless as a joke, then stop, because clearly you're the only one who thinks you're funny. That is just basic courtesy, especially in regards to someone you claim to love.

    OP, is he controlling or manipulative in other ways? Does he, even in very subtle ways, try to keep you from dressing a certain way, seeing certain people etc? Like I said, I don't know your situation beyond what you've written here so I may be way off base, but if this is a pattern, it needs to be addressed before you find yourself isolated and completely dependent on him, especially since you'll have a child to consider, too.
  • bheathfit
    bheathfit Posts: 451 Member
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    Thank you all for your messages and your advices. It actually made me feel way better. We live overseas, and all my family is in the US, but I will go away at least for the week end, I wont try to explain anything to him, just tell him that I need a break for a couple of days, we are supposed to be gettkng a heat wave over the weekend, so I will get some Quality me time before the work week starts.. Hopefully having some time by himself will makes him realize that his Jokes arent actually funny !!
    I just cant belive he is sleeping soundly, no guilt or concern what so ever....grrrrrrrrr

    A weekend for yourself may be a good thing. He won't realize that his "Jokes" aren't funny when you get home. As a man I can honestly say that we are not wired like that. Things need to be said and explained, or they will not be understood by both parties involved.

    The book would make a good weekend read... I'm just sayin'...
  • tagben2010
    tagben2010 Posts: 7 Member
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    Thank you all for your messages and your advices. It actually made me feel way better. We live overseas, and all my family is in the US, but I will go away at least for the week end, I wont try to explain anything to him, just tell him that I need a break for a couple of days, we are supposed to be gettkng a heat wave over the weekend, so I will get some Quality me time before the work week starts.. Hopefully having some time by himself will makes him realize that his Jokes arent actually funny !!
    I just cant belive he is sleeping soundly, no guilt or concern what so ever....grrrrrrrrr

    A weekend for yourself may be a good thing. He won't realize that his "Jokes" aren't funny when you get home. As a man I can honestly say that we are not wired like that. Things need to be said and explained, or they will not be understood by both parties involved.

    The book would make a good weekend read... I'm just sayin'...

    Thank you for the suggestion, I looked up the book, and it looks like a great one.Unfortunatly we don't live in an english speaking country, I wil try to see if i can find a translation, otherwise, i will just wait a few weeks, as soon as I finish my 2nd trimestre, I am flying back home .

    He is not controlling another aspects, but he is always needy of my attention, he always need my opinion , my help, my approval, ...i call it mediterranean boy syndrome, and he is obsessed with beauty and perfection at all time.
    So to him, if i am dressed to T, nails, hair done, etc,... its just normal, looking good its just "part"of being a woman, but getting a zit, if i miss the gym, if my hair gets greasy... i am failling at my job as a woman.

    The ways he picks on my body, he does it, when my lips get dry, if one of my nail breaks, if my hair is not done,... he needs to pinpoint any "negatif"change.
    With pregnancy its worse, bc with the hormones, i do tend to break out now and then, i get tired and have to stay in bed for a day or two which translates to i just stayed in pyjama,...he will be supportive at first , but it will be smth like this : get some rest, listen to ur doctor and just lay down, ( in the course of the day), did your hair get greassier !? You are blue/pale/puffy why !? ( I AM SICK), ohh so you wont stay like that, but you really dont look good" if i give him a look, he says " its normal u are sick u wont look like Sofia Vergara 24/7". SO WHY DO YOU FEEL THE NEED TO WALK AROUND PINPOINTING ALL THAT IS "WRONG" WITH ME!?!?
  • cholepapi
    cholepapi Posts: 79
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    This is what I do. I tell him off every time he puts me down. Then I use that anger and workout. I make sure I make myself feel good. Uggghhhh
  • Turtlesallthewaydown
    Turtlesallthewaydown Posts: 64 Member
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    When unreasonably criticized I always try to think "I am a mirror, what does this person see in me that they feel bad about in themselves?" and then I ask the person how they feel about themselves in regards to their comment. If the person isn't willing to recognize that they are really seeing something they have a problem with and not something wrong with me, then I just tell them I feel sorry that they have such a negative view and wish them to get better. Sometimes people have issues and don't know how to deal with them except to lash out at someone else. And it really hurts when that someone is a person close to you.

    It seems like he has body issues for himself and wants to make someone else feel the same or worse than he does. That's a ****ty way to work out his problem. If he doesn't want to accept that he needs to change the way he copes with his problem you will have to change how you react in order for him to not get the results he is looking for. Hopefully he can learn to attach a filter between his brain and his mouth. The way he focuses on flaws instead of on the beautiful things isn't a very happy or fulfilling thing. Focusing on what you have and showing gratitude is much more peaceful.

    I hope you feel better
  • Calliope610
    Calliope610 Posts: 3,771 Member
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    I'm no expert on this, but it seems as if your husband sees you not as an individual, but as a reflection of himself and an accessory. Narcissist, because it is all about him, how others perceive him. And you are his pregnant wife/prop (bearing his boy-child) to make him took like the ultimate man, so you had better look great too.
  • Jen800
    Jen800 Posts: 548 Member
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    He's being a jerk. Plain and simple.

    Focus on the baby's health right now. Your baby needs you to feed him and help him grow. Ignore the comments or perhaps shoot some back at him :wink:
  • Jen800
    Jen800 Posts: 548 Member
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    I'm no expert on this, but it seems as if your husband sees you not as an individual, but as a reflection of himself and an accessory. Narcissist, because it is all about him, how others perceive him. And you are his pregnant wife/prop (bearing his boy-child) to make him took like the ultimate man, so you had better look great too.

    Wow! What a great answer. Makes mine seem terrible, lol. But no, seriously, this is great advice.

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