rejected by online soulmate b/c of weight
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You: OP, you are lying to yourself and lying to him. You aren't worthy of him because you are a liar. You should work on not being a liar and losing some weight so you can be worthy of him someday.
Me: OP, he told you that your appearance wouldn't matter. He lied to you and he lied to himself. He is not worthy of YOUR love. You should work on yourself and value yourself because you are worthy of your OWN love!
No, I am not saying that at all. I am saying the guy was VERY blunt with what his issues were. I am quite sure he did not look her the eyes and whisper "You're fat, go away". You are blaming quite literally EVERYTHING on the guy, saying he is not worth her, and that appearances do not matter. That is bumpkiss and not true. Appearances DO matter, they matter nearly as much as everything else, being sexually attracted to your partner is extremely, very important.
You don't know him, he may be VERY worthy of HER love. He may be one of the most amazing guys walking this planet, but has SELF respect and know what HE wants as well, and is not willing to lead this girl on when he found out that what she had been sending him was not the truth, and it is not what he is willing to accept. He ended it fast. He offered his shoulder. He did not run off while she cried for two hours. He could have just walked off and left her there.
I never said he is blame free or anything, but I did say no one here but the OP knows this guy and none of you have the call to be able to make any statement towards his character. He could have just lied to her, slept with her, and never called her again.
I am speaking out quite venomously against posts like this becuase too often these forums in the land of female love degrade into men are all shallow scum bags and the op is perfect and did nothing wrong and everyone should love us all for who we are and nothing else, and THAT is Disney love story lies. It does NOT help anyone in the long run, and won't help her.
Well I never said that he was a shallow scum bag. However, she had the expectation that his love was "unconditional," while not realistic, that is still the impression that he gave her. For the record, there are people in this world that value character above appearance, and this is what she expected of him.
They both got let down in this situation. I agree that we don't have any idea what was said between them prior to their meeting, but she had some reason to expect that from him, just like he had reasons to expect someone 40 lbs lighter. Presuming he gave her the impression that her appearance wouldn't matter, he most likely believed that her appearance wouldn't matter. But then they met and he realized that it did, and he didn't want it to seem like her appearance mattered because he knew that would seem shallow, so he tried to let her down easy.
Now, based on the OP's posts that I had previously quoted, and that you have since omitted, he is "mind-*kitten*" her.I should mention, he recently told me that its not just my weight but that I'm negative sometimes and deny things which makes it seem like I don't listen. This was something completely out of the blue that I never ever felt was an issue for he specifically told me to tell me about all my negative feelings as they came. So I said, I won't bother you with negatives anymore in which he replied, no please do because its good to get it off your chest. Seems like a mindfcxk at this point. He doesn't seem to care too much that he hurt me, he hasn't mentioned it since.
Why is he continuing to engage this relationship when he knows that she has feelings and that, now that he has seen her, he doesn't?
He might not have been a complete jerk up to this point. But things are going to go downhill real fast from here if he doesn't just walk away.
Maybe he's just being polite and responding to her engagement in the relationship? He actually doesn't sound like a horrible person - he stuck around while she cried and seemingly only brought up the weight when she pressed for an answer.
In reality, it's sounding like his real issue is with her personality and how do you bring THAT up nicely? Personality is A LOT harder to change than weight! I've been around people who regularly make negative comments and "excuses" and they are not fun to be around. Like I said before, it's easy to hide the bad and only show the good when you are online - you can't really know a person until you've spent time with them IRL and seen every side of them - not just the edited side.
I still believe that OP does need to move on from this "relationship" and she also needs to work on her relationship with herself before she tries again. If you aren't happy with yourself, it's not fair to expect anyone else to be happy with you.
Yeah, I'm not at all saying that this guy is a jerk, but that he is confused... and that OP is going to get hurt if she continues contact with this guy... because he is confused.
There is obviously something about her that he really likes... and something that he doesn't really like. She can't and shouldn't change for him, and he knows that, and probably wouldn't ask her to. But the reality is, her feelings for him are there, and his confusion is there. And trying to remain friends is only going to continue to give her hope that he will one day change his mind.
Trust me... I've been there, done this. I have no hard feelings towards the guy. It just took me a long time to realize that we were never going to be together, and we couldn't maintain a friendship without my feelings getting in the way.0 -
Hugs..
It really possibly has nothing to do with your weight on the grand scheme of things.
When you just talk online and never meet them in person you build them up to be this person in your head. A lot of times people meet and you just aren't exactly what you had pictured them to be inside and out. that's why when I did online dating, I wouldn't talk for weeks on end, or write books to eachother, etc. because it can be so false and such a let down when they aren't the perfect match in person as they were online. Some people just don't mesh.
weight may have been his easy way out because HE knew that YOU felt bad/down on yourself. It was easy for him.
Sounds like it just may not have been meant to be, still sucks, still hurts, but you can and will move on. You will find Mr. Right I am 100% sure of it. Took me along time to find my special man, but I did, and he was NOTHING on the outside that I ever had imagined but glad I found him because he is perfect.
good luck.
TOTALLY agree with this. Hubby and I met online and it clicked immediately. He definitely wasn't what I ever expected to end up with physically (about 4 inches shorter than I am, and I was always into dark hair dark eyes while he is VERY blonde and VERY blue eyed). He made me laugh though and that was that. While I agree that there has to be some sort of attraction there, love is SO much more than that. It sounds like yall just didn't click, and while I know you're experiencing the heartache of losing that love, you are better off. I agree that he probably isn't a jerk, because a jerk would've taken advantage of you, then left and never said anything. It may be that he just didn't feel it, and/or he had some "skeletons" that he had left back at home. This is NOT me saying to "try again" with him - I think you'd be wasting your time. Just because a guy is decent doesn't make him good for YOU. Better for him to have been honest with you the first time you met than pretended for awhile so he could "sample the goods" then ditch you when he found a new toy to play with. Just remember next time to keep your heart just a tad bit more guarded and make sure you've met and clicked before you start planning the wedding. :flowerforyou:0 -
Live and learn. Next time don't waste so much time on an online relationship. Once you think something's there meet up in person so everyone knows what their working with.0
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Live and learn. Next time don't waste so much time on an online relationship. Once you think something's there meet up in person so everyone knows what their working with.
^ best and most succinct advice in the whole thread.0 -
and as I said... ummm with tinder you can date anyone you want in any city you want whenever you want... its easy, its timely, its fast, its fun, its witty.. use the app and get happy and get dating!
Seriously... are they paying you?
That's not the only dating website, you know....0 -
Live and learn. Next time don't waste so much time on an online relationship. Once you think something's there meet up in person so everyone knows what their working with.
^ best and most succinct advice in the whole thread.
Agreed... talking myself in circles here.
I'm out.0 -
and as I said... ummm with tinder you can date anyone you want in any city you want whenever you want... its easy, its timely, its fast, its fun, its witty.. use the app and get happy and get dating!
Seriously... are they paying you?
That's not the only dating website, you know....
no one is paying me.. but its clearly the only socially acceptable dating app that doesn't make you a total loozer.
sheeesh....I thought my advice was a bit blunt but its totally legit and solid.0 -
respectfully this is such a stereotypical take it cracks me up. no no no no no... I had an ex that would mindtease me for two months after a 4year thing, and guess what... it was MY FAULT for even answering back... forget that, she should not be in any contact at all because I have been were the guy has been.. had this freak of nature with rotting teeth on a date and of course all her pics were ubber hot, and then this thing smiles and I wanted to bolt.. instead I told her respectfully I needed to leave... (a guy has to keep his lunch down) and she started to cry and sob... next thing you know this chick is blowing up my phone like a nut and saying she was going to off herself... so I kept talking just like this guy being nice and considerate...
no its the chicks responsibility if he declined her to quit talking, and if the dude is prompting the convo then he really is a scum bag and should certainly be ignored..
and as I said... ummm with tinder you can date anyone you want in any city you want whenever you want... its easy, its timely, its fast, its fun, its witty.. use the app and get happy and get dating!
and last bit of advice.. the only time ever feel hesitant about making the decision to move on with a chick is on the random chance encounter after I ignore her for a few days I notice the girl is ignoring me as well - it is only and only then that you would have a chance at getting him to come back.. but even then I'd say in this case its over over over so run run run away.
I mean, with a nice guy like you out there, who wouldn't want to get on the Tinder saddle?0 -
You: OP, you are lying to yourself and lying to him. You aren't worthy of him because you are a liar. You should work on not being a liar and losing some weight so you can be worthy of him someday.
Me: OP, he told you that your appearance wouldn't matter. He lied to you and he lied to himself. He is not worthy of YOUR love. You should work on yourself and value yourself because you are worthy of your OWN love!
No, I am not saying that at all. I am saying the guy was VERY blunt with what his issues were. I am quite sure he did not look her the eyes and whisper "You're fat, go away". You are blaming quite literally EVERYTHING on the guy, saying he is not worth her, and that appearances do not matter. That is bumpkiss and not true. Appearances DO matter, they matter nearly as much as everything else, being sexually attracted to your partner is extremely, very important.
You don't know him, he may be VERY worthy of HER love. He may be one of the most amazing guys walking this planet, but has SELF respect and know what HE wants as well, and is not willing to lead this girl on when he found out that what she had been sending him was not the truth, and it is not what he is willing to accept. He ended it fast. He offered his shoulder. He did not run off while she cried for two hours. He could have just walked off and left her there.
I never said he is blame free or anything, but I did say no one here but the OP knows this guy and none of you have the call to be able to make any statement towards his character. He could have just lied to her, slept with her, and never called her again.
I am speaking out quite venomously against posts like this becuase too often these forums in the land of female love degrade into men are all shallow scum bags and the op is perfect and did nothing wrong and everyone should love us all for who we are and nothing else, and THAT is Disney love story lies. It does NOT help anyone in the long run, and won't help her.
Well I never said that he was a shallow scum bag. However, she had the expectation that his love was "unconditional," while not realistic, that is still the impression that he gave her. For the record, there are people in this world that value character above appearance, and this is what she expected of him.
They both got let down in this situation. I agree that we don't have any idea what was said between them prior to their meeting, but she had some reason to expect that from him, just like he had reasons to expect someone 40 lbs lighter. Presuming he gave her the impression that her appearance wouldn't matter, he most likely believed that her appearance wouldn't matter. But then they met and he realized that it did, and he didn't want it to seem like her appearance mattered because he knew that would seem shallow, so he tried to let her down easy.
Now, based on the OP's posts that I had previously quoted, and that you have since omitted, he is "mind-*kitten*" her.I should mention, he recently told me that its not just my weight but that I'm negative sometimes and deny things which makes it seem like I don't listen. This was something completely out of the blue that I never ever felt was an issue for he specifically told me to tell me about all my negative feelings as they came. So I said, I won't bother you with negatives anymore in which he replied, no please do because its good to get it off your chest. Seems like a mindfcxk at this point. He doesn't seem to care too much that he hurt me, he hasn't mentioned it since.
To paraphrase, he said "I don't like this about you either" and she said "okay I will stop" and he said "no don't stop, it's good that you do that." Mixed signals much??
Why is he continuing to engage this relationship when he knows that she has feelings and that, now that he has seen her, he doesn't?
He might not have been a complete jerk up to this point. But things are going to go downhill real fast from here if he doesn't just walk away.
respectfully this is such a stereotypical take it cracks me up. no no no no no... I had an ex that would mindtease me for two months after a 4year thing, and guess what... it was MY FAULT for even answering back... forget that, she should not be in any contact at all because I have been were the guy has been.. had this freak of nature with rotting teeth on a date and of course all her pics were ubber hot, and then this thing smiles and I wanted to bolt.. instead I told her respectfully I needed to leave... (a guy has to keep his lunch down) and she started to cry and sob... next thing you know this chick is blowing up my phone like a nut and saying she was going to off herself... so I kept talking just like this guy being nice and considerate...
no its the chicks responsibility if he declined her to quit talking, and if the dude is prompting the convo then he really is a scum bag and should certainly be ignored..
and as I said... ummm with tinder you can date anyone you want in any city you want whenever you want... its easy, its timely, its fast, its fun, its witty.. use the app and get happy and get dating!
and last bit of advice.. the only time ever feel hesitant about making the decision to move on with a chick is on the random chance encounter after I ignore her for a few days I notice the girl is ignoring me as well - it is only and only then that you would have a chance at getting him to come back.. but even then I'd say in this case its over over over so run run run away.
Why are you talking about our meet up on the interwebs? I told you I'm getting my teeth fixed next month. BTW how come you haven't changed ur name to MCD'swrapper yet?0 -
respectfully this is such a stereotypical take it cracks me up. no no no no no... I had an ex that would mindtease me for two months after a 4year thing, and guess what... it was MY FAULT for even answering back... forget that, she should not be in any contact at all because I have been were the guy has been.. had this freak of nature with rotting teeth on a date and of course all her pics were ubber hot, and then this thing smiles and I wanted to bolt.. instead I told her respectfully I needed to leave... (a guy has to keep his lunch down) and she started to cry and sob... next thing you know this chick is blowing up my phone like a nut and saying she was going to off herself... so I kept talking just like this guy being nice and considerate...
no its the chicks responsibility if he declined her to quit talking, and if the dude is prompting the convo then he really is a scum bag and should certainly be ignored..
and as I said... ummm with tinder you can date anyone you want in any city you want whenever you want... its easy, its timely, its fast, its fun, its witty.. use the app and get happy and get dating!
and last bit of advice.. the only time ever feel hesitant about making the decision to move on with a chick is on the random chance encounter after I ignore her for a few days I notice the girl is ignoring me as well - it is only and only then that you would have a chance at getting him to come back.. but even then I'd say in this case its over over over so run run run away.
I mean, with a nice guy like you out there, who wouldn't want to get on the Tinder saddle?
when i'm the saddle... lots of ladies here would babe.0 -
and as I said... ummm with tinder you can date anyone you want in any city you want whenever you want... its easy, its timely, its fast, its fun, its witty.. use the app and get happy and get dating!
Seriously... are they paying you?
That's not the only dating website, you know....
no one is paying me.. but its clearly the only socially acceptable dating app that doesn't make you a total loozer.
sheeesh....I thought my advice was a bit blunt but its totally legit and solid.
giggity0 -
Do it for YOURSELF. Be done with him!0
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So what you gained forty pounds! You're still you, and you still deserve to be loved unconditionally by a man who is your spiritual puzzle piece. He's out there. Forty pounds isn't that serious, and will come off easily with the right diet and exercise. Take the time to do that, move forward, and when you're right with yourself, the right man will come along and love all of you- heavier or not. Let this one go. He can have all the fun in the world trying to find a woman who's never fluctuated in weight even slightly. I guarantee there isn't one out there.0
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Now, I'm going to give you some personal experience. I've met several people whom I've met online. Most are great, others don't live up to your expectations or the image you build up of them. It's entirely possible your friend likes your personality but isn't physically attracted to you. In this case, it's probably not meant to be. If a person cannot accept you 100% the way you are, then you need to move on.
^^ This!
Online relationships never work out because the person that people make up in their mind and the person they are in reality usually always clash. See this as a learning experience and work on getting yourself healthy for YOU, not for anyone else.0 -
You: OP, you are lying to yourself and lying to him. You aren't worthy of him because you are a liar. You should work on not being a liar and losing some weight so you can be worthy of him someday.
Me: OP, he told you that your appearance wouldn't matter. He lied to you and he lied to himself. He is not worthy of YOUR love. You should work on yourself and value yourself because you are worthy of your OWN love!
No, I am not saying that at all. I am saying the guy was VERY blunt with what his issues were. I am quite sure he did not look her the eyes and whisper "You're fat, go away". You are blaming quite literally EVERYTHING on the guy, saying he is not worth her, and that appearances do not matter. That is bumpkiss and not true. Appearances DO matter, they matter nearly as much as everything else, being sexually attracted to your partner is extremely, very important.
You don't know him, he may be VERY worthy of HER love. He may be one of the most amazing guys walking this planet, but has SELF respect and know what HE wants as well, and is not willing to lead this girl on when he found out that what she had been sending him was not the truth, and it is not what he is willing to accept. He ended it fast. He offered his shoulder. He did not run off while she cried for two hours. He could have just walked off and left her there.
I never said he is blame free or anything, but I did say no one here but the OP knows this guy and none of you have the call to be able to make any statement towards his character. He could have just lied to her, slept with her, and never called her again.
I am speaking out quite venomously against posts like this becuase too often these forums in the land of female love degrade into men are all shallow scum bags and the op is perfect and did nothing wrong and everyone should love us all for who we are and nothing else, and THAT is Disney love story lies. It does NOT help anyone in the long run, and won't help her.
Well I never said that he was a shallow scum bag. However, she had the expectation that his love was "unconditional," while not realistic, that is still the impression that he gave her. For the record, there are people in this world that value character above appearance, and this is what she expected of him.
They both got let down in this situation. I agree that we don't have any idea what was said between them prior to their meeting, but she had some reason to expect that from him, just like he had reasons to expect someone 40 lbs lighter. Presuming he gave her the impression that her appearance wouldn't matter, he most likely believed that her appearance wouldn't matter. But then they met and he realized that it did, and he didn't want it to seem like her appearance mattered because he knew that would seem shallow, so he tried to let her down easy.
Now, based on the OP's posts that I had previously quoted, and that you have since omitted, he is "mind-*kitten*" her.I should mention, he recently told me that its not just my weight but that I'm negative sometimes and deny things which makes it seem like I don't listen. This was something completely out of the blue that I never ever felt was an issue for he specifically told me to tell me about all my negative feelings as they came. So I said, I won't bother you with negatives anymore in which he replied, no please do because its good to get it off your chest. Seems like a mindfcxk at this point. He doesn't seem to care too much that he hurt me, he hasn't mentioned it since.
To paraphrase, he said "I don't like this about you either" and she said "okay I will stop" and he said "no don't stop, it's good that you do that." Mixed signals much??
Why is he continuing to engage this relationship when he knows that she has feelings and that, now that he has seen her, he doesn't?
He might not have been a complete jerk up to this point. But things are going to go downhill real fast from here if he doesn't just walk away.
respectfully this is such a stereotypical take it cracks me up. no no no no no... I had an ex that would mindtease me for two months after a 4year thing, and guess what... it was MY FAULT for even answering back... forget that, she should not be in any contact at all because I have been were the guy has been.. had this freak of nature with rotting teeth on a date and of course all her pics were ubber hot, and then this thing smiles and I wanted to bolt.. instead I told her respectfully I needed to leave... (a guy has to keep his lunch down) and she started to cry and sob... next thing you know this chick is blowing up my phone like a nut and saying she was going to off herself... so I kept talking just like this guy being nice and considerate...
no its the chicks responsibility if he declined her to quit talking, and if the dude is prompting the convo then he really is a scum bag and should certainly be ignored..
and as I said... ummm with tinder you can date anyone you want in any city you want whenever you want... its easy, its timely, its fast, its fun, its witty.. use the app and get happy and get dating!
and last bit of advice.. the only time ever feel hesitant about making the decision to move on with a chick is on the random chance encounter after I ignore her for a few days I notice the girl is ignoring me as well - it is only and only then that you would have a chance at getting him to come back.. but even then I'd say in this case its over over over so run run run away.
Why are you talking about our meet up on the interwebs? I told you I'm getting my teeth fixed next month. BTW how come you haven't changed ur name to MCD'swrapper yet?
lmao!! XD0 -
as far as him saying no? least he was straight up about it.
I'm still confused. Did he say "no" before or after...(how you say in a way that MFP won't object to?)...engaging in consensual activity?0 -
I got the opposite from a guy I thought was the one. He told me to hold off on weight loss because he liked me bigger. At first I was confused by this but then I got to thinking, his opinion, while still important is second to mine and I was not happy with the way I looked, the way I felt. Well, that relationship fell apart, it was all him, no really, when he gave the old "it's not you it's me" it really was him.0
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To me, this is a red flag!
Get out while you can.
I understand that it hurts now, but you're saving yourself a lot of heartache in the long run. NO ONE should have to constantly worry if their significant other finds them attractive or if you gain weight, worry if they will leave you.
That isn't love.
I've been with my husband since I was 14 years old. Relationships are not complicated but they take a lot of work from both sides. When you meet the right person, there will not be an issue like this.0 -
First off - He doesn't deserve you. When I started dating my boyfriend almost five years ago, I was 35-40 pounds lighter than I am today. If he told me tomorrow he has a problem with my weight, knowing that I've been motivated to eat better, hit the gym, etc, I'd tell him it was time to move into he's Mom's spare bedroom. No one needs to be treated disrespectfully.
If he were a true person, who did love you as he says, he would stand NEXT to you (physically or mentally) while you work towards your goals. My boyfriend and I talk very opening about my weight, but he does it respectfully and mindfully.
I know you are sad now, as anything relationship is hard to walk away from, but in a few months, you'll be all the better because of it. Remember that the point is for YOU to be happy with your body, not to please him.0
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