Help! hurtful comment from partner
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Do you really want to spend the rest of your life unhappy? That looks like the options with this person. What happens when you're married and at his perfect weight, then after a few months you put on a little bit of weight. is that divorce time?
As others have said, time to find someone that will love you for you. I don't think he's a d#ck, I think what he wants is unrealistic currently and he's trying to make you in to something you are not. It isn't just men that do this, women do it as well. When this happens it's usually best to move on and find someone that will make you happy and not someone that will make you feel guilty about eating for the rest of your life.0 -
You've latched on to a horse's *kitten*, m'lady. Either he's simply a d*ck, as another poster previously posited; or he's incredibly shallow emotionally. Either way, you should seriously consider moving on.............0
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Umm really what has he given up/put on hold? Relationships are supposed to be about compromise. Its great that he's supporting your work aspirations. However the weight loss thing is just shallow. Its not impacting on your health? Or your ability to live your life?
'aside from that you're perfect'. So what happens if you had an injury/illness & gained an additional 50lb? Would he leave you? If you lose the weight get married & gain - will he leave you?
I'm sorry but personally I couldn't live with those doubts in my mind. No one is or ever will be 'perfect'. Another poster is right he's playing mind games. Its hard but you need to move on. Unless you want to spend another 4yrs waiting for him to decide if you're 'good enough'.
I'm sure you are more than fantastic find someone who appreciates it.0 -
I'm sorry he's making you feel the way you're feeling right now. Notice how I put the blame on him, not you. We all have our struggles from time to time, whatever they may be, and a solid-as-a-rock partner's job is to support our weakest points, not bring them down even further.I asked why he hasn't left me if this is how he feels and he says he loves me and i'm perfect otherwise.
The fact that he has it in you to in a sense attack your weakest point is a huge red flag for me and I'd almost go as far as call it emotional abuse, if the situation is indeed how you describe it to us.
"I'm perfect otherwise" is utter crap. If you are perfect to someone, it covers the whole package regardless of its size. And you as a person are perfect; wonderful and flawed here and there, but perfect all the same. He seems to have a highly distorted view of what it is all right to ask from a partner and, above all, what his role in your life is supposed to be. This comes from someone, who left her abusive husband, so I do have a certain perspective that not every other woman here has.
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Do you trust him? I wouldn't after such a comment. I'd always have a nagging feeling where else he would fail me, where else he'd have absolutely ridiculous demands, and when he'd hurt me next.0 -
Some great advice here from posters.
Were you this weight when you both started dating?
It's sounding more and more like he's looking for excuses to not get married. The "but I've put my life on hold for you" story only should come up when the other partner has gone off the relationship otherwise it would never be brought up or even thought about if he was besotted with you. There seems to be a little begrudging going on with him? That's not really a good sign and honestly you look so pretty in your picture, maybe it's time to let someone else appreciate you because it doesn't sound like he is anymore.0 -
So...this guy says you're not in "marriage condition," but apparently, you are good enough for him to "enjoy" for the past four years???
You know the old phrase..."Why buy the cow if you're getting the milk for free." Well...it sounds to me like this guy needs to be cut off from the milk, so to speak. He doesn't deserve it...and he takes it for granted.
You deserve better than that. You really do. My guess is...if you told him you deserve better, and moved on...he'd be begging for you back. But, like others on this string, I wonder what his next criticisms would be.
What he said to you sheds light on of who HE really is. And you are not the problem....he is! You should be glad he showed his true colors to you before you made a huge mistake.0 -
Maybe you should look for someone who shares that sentiment.I am a very caring person and come from a family that loves you no matter your faults.0 -
It seems to be mostly women responding on this thread. I'm a woman too, but I've always been fascinated by this issue.
Try doing a google search for 'wife gaining weight' to start out. I think the book 'his needs her needs' is another great read.
To put it bluntly men want a hot wife. What that means is different to every man. For plenty of men that means they want a thin wife. There are also plenty of men our there that are attracted that a heavier weight.
Love is all well and good, but love in a marriage is not like love for your children. It is not unconditional. A loss of attraction is a good reason to end a marriage. I went through this a few years ago, and yes it was heartrending. My husband was still attracted to me, but not the way he was before. He also wouldn't be as attracted to me if I went around in ratty sweatpants with my hair a mess all day. When his friends come over he wants me dressed nicely.
For women saying "will he love you during/after pregnancy" this is nonsense. Pregnancy does not "ruin" your body, and gaining 30lbs while pregnant is and looks very different than gaining 30lbs while not pregnant. My husband thinks 30lb+ pregnant lady me is still hot, and I think most men do.
Duh, you'll have some stretch marks, and I'm quite proud of my mine. Of course my belly is bigger since having our first child, and will probably be bigger after I deliver our second. I wanted to lose 20lbs before my pregnancy so I would be back at our 'first date weight', but that didn't happen. I have a bit more weight around my hips/butt/thighs, but I have always been pear shaped and this is more due to the extra 20lbs I'm packing than pregnancy. And to blame everything on pregnancy is ridiculous. I gained 10-15lb AFTER I lost the baby weight due to my own lifestyle choices.
My husband wants for me to take care of myself and for my family, and I expect the same out of him. He wants for us BOTH to set a good example for our children in healthy lifestyles, which isn't just things like eating habits and exercise. Its also ethics, morals, how to best use free time, developing yourself as a whole human being, etc. If either one of us didn't live up to these expectations there would be a problem. Do you and your boyfriend mesh on these others issues?
Think of it. Would you want to be with a man you weren't attracted to? What if you were attracted to him, and he began to do things that caused you to not be so attracted to him? Would your unconditional love live out if he stopped taking care of his hygiene?
One of my best friends is going through this now and I can see that its horrible for her. She has always struggled with her weight. I think she would have been better off marrying a man who is attracted to larger women. She is always asking her husband if she looks hot/cute, and he wanted for her to lose weight about a 100lbs ago. If he says yes she'll keep badgering him, and if he says no its a fight.
Have you asked him straight out if he is still attracted to you at this weight? If he's not what are you willing to do about this? In general what are you willing to compromise for a relationship? Marriage takes a lot of sweat, blood, and tears to make it work. You at least need to decide on a good foundation, and attractiveness and what that takes needs to be discussed upfront.0 -
So...this guy says you're not in "marriage condition," but apparently, you are good enough for him to "enjoy" for the past four years???
You know the old phrase..."Why buy the cow if you're getting the milk for free." Well...it sounds to me like this guy needs to be cut off from the milk, so to speak. He doesn't deserve it...and he takes it for granted.
You deserve better than that. You really do. My guess is...if you told him you deserve better, and moved on...he'd be begging for you back. But, like others on this string, I wonder what his next criticisms would be.
What he said to you sheds light on of who HE really is. And you are not the problem....he is! You should be glad he showed his true colors to you before you made a huge mistake.
Absolutely!0 -
A quote comes to mind:
"If you don't love me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
I think you deserve better. You may love him and he may love you, but that doesn't mean it's meant to move forward.
HE WILL KEEP ON COMMING WITH NEW EXCUSE EVERYTIME...
READ THIS LADY'S STORY ON INSTEGRAM @fitalicious_me YOU WILL KNOW WHAT WE ARE ALL TRYING TO TELL YOU0 -
we don't have children and I asked him "what's going to happen when we have kids". his reply was "don't be ridiculous, that is a natural part of life but then you would go back to your normal weight.
And what happens if you don't 'go back to your normal weight'? He seems to have some unrealistic expectations, I imagine he is going to be one mighty unhappy husband.0 -
A quote comes to mind:
"If you don't love me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
I think you deserve better. You may love him and he may love you, but that doesn't mean it's meant to move forward.
^^This. Find someone who loves you for you, not for the idea of someone else. Love is all about unconditional acceptance and thinking the person is the bee's knees even with all their flaws.0 -
Another quote that comes to mind, and has, I think, been too much forgotten in this era: "Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind" - Helena in Shakespeare's 'Dream. Men may be more 'visual' than women, but anyone who truly loves - enough to consider a lifelong commitment - should be more concerned with what's inside the shell, than with the outside, which inevitably changes through the years. It doesn't sound to me like this guy has his priorities in order. I'm sure you could do better elsewhere. Best of luck to you.0
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This seems to be a very conditional love. Bordering on emotional abuse. You need some help - go see a counsellor - you have not yet gone past the point of no return. You deserve better than this, l am truly concerned for you in this relationship.0
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A quote comes to mind:
"If you don't love me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
I think you deserve better. You may love him and he may love you, but that doesn't mean it's meant to move forward.
This.
What if you get to an ideal weight and then gain weight after the marriage? If he can't commit to you as you are now, what if you get even heavier? What if you become heavier than your heaviest? Is he going to stay with you?
Why marry a man who'll constantly have you thinking this? That leads down the road of emotional turmoil.
Whether he's "concerned for your health" or whether he really is a shallow *kitten*, someone who truly loves you will love you no matter what you look like.
Find someone who cares about you, not your weight.
ETA: Just read your second post and I need to bring this up.
You're going in to health care? And he expects you to be able to have kids, take care of them, have a career and get back to your "hot" weight post-stat?
Forget the fact that this is difficult regardless of your field- lets talk about health care for a minute. I have many friends in various roles within the health care field. Everything from admin assistants to nurses to doctors, and ALL of them have VERY stressful lives (though that's not saying they're not happy with their careers- they're some of the most satisfied people I know in terms of their job satisfaction. It's saying that it's a demanding field to be in, regardless of the role). While some of them do keep health and fitness in their lives, they are often derailed by the many, many, MANY stresses which come their way. Anything from demanding situations with patients to just being exhausted after their day. And the ones doing the best are the ones without kids or with kids grown up enough to take care of themselves. Never the new moms.
So really. Thank him for everything he's done for you so far, ditch him to the curb and focus on yourself for awhile. If he hates his job he can use it as an excuse to work on his own career again.
For the school costs- get some loans if you need to- it's a much smaller headache than dedicating that many more years of your life to someone who doesn't love you unconditionally.
And there truly is such a thing as unconditional love- the kind that makes you want to have someone BE your family. Regardless of what they look like.
Good luck with this situation, I really hope you reach a better place.0 -
I've been in that position. When I lost weight be couldn't deal with that either. Became very possessive and mentally abusive. Huge red flag. You're 86kg not 186kg! Hardly very over weight! X0
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You deserve better, you don't have to settle for anything less. You have already given him 4 years you can't get back, time to cut the cord and move on, there is someone out there who will love you regardless of your size.0
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It all boils down to this...even if you lose the weight...are you willing to spend the rest of your life worrying that if you gain weight, he will return to his previous state of not accepting and loving you for who you are...and leave you? Or not leave you and just make you feel like a fat miserable failure?
If he's not attracted enough to you because of your weight (or even if he's attracted enough to you in private, but wants to show off a hot woman as a status symbol)...it sucks, but that's his preference. I prefer men at least 6 ft tall, at least 200 lbs...that's my preference. Yes, I actually have declined dates with men who seem perfectly nice, and are otherwise attractive, because of their (lack of) size. I feel most comfortable/comforted with a large man. On occasion, I've attempted to not let this seemingly shallow preference have an impact on my choices...but every time I compromise in that area, I find myself unable to get completely passed it. I want more. I want what I want, and that's ok.
He wants what he wants, and that's ok...but it's not you. And you, especially as a woman who has always struggled with your weight... you don't want a man who is going to constantly judge your weight and make that a condition of your relationship.0 -
Sorry you are feeling like this, I know how hurtful and confusing this can be. I think this is a pretty deep topic with so many different angles. I am currently speaking with a counselor regarding a similar situation in my own life. My first reaction is always "shallow!", however that is not always the case. I have been able to understand my husbands feelings better (not as evil as I had thought). Everyone's situation is a bit different. Maybe a counselor can help you sort this out, with or without him
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"If you don't love me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
Dump him! A man who says stuff like what yours is saying has an endless supply of excuses... Cut your losses and dump him! Good luck!0
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