what is it with my wife?!

Options
24567…26

Replies

  • pinupgal123
    pinupgal123 Posts: 65
    Options
    Okay, I'll probably get some feedback on this but I say, she's a stay at home mom. That's her job. Take care of the kids and clean. I'm not saying she should do ALL of the housework. You live there too so you should contribute. But I think she needs to do the majority since she stays home. Just my opinion. I've always worked outside of the home so maybe I haven't walked in her shoes.
  • pope66682
    pope66682 Posts: 249 Member
    Options
    Try talking to her about it at a time when no chores need to be done. If you only bring it up when something needs to be done and you ask her to help, it sounds like you are trying to push it off on her. That's when the stupid argument start. Go out to lunch one day or over dinner, and do the old "can we talk about something" thing. Then be honest, in as nice a way possible. Tell her how you feel and that you are just looking for some help.
  • midas1022
    midas1022 Posts: 151
    Options
    You two have obviously discussed this before so I would suggest you use sit down with her at a time there will be no interruptions and talk to her about it. She probably will have some good points to bring up. Don't lose your temper and just be honest with her.. Explain how you feel and let her talk. Even if she hurts your feelings let her get it all out. We men were given two ears and one mouth which means we should listen twice as much as talk. When your both done discussing it like adults then ask her for suggestions how to fix it. Don't let anymore resentment build up.
  • JonnyMacAwesome
    JonnyMacAwesome Posts: 770 Member
    Options
    lol, I love the title of this thread. I absolutely see your point, but I do agree that this argument may not go well. Maybe wheird's designated cleaning time would work.

    So far it seems like the most logical of the options provided, also @mamaomefo's suggestion too.

    I'm going to see if I can work both of them into one plan and see how that goes... It's probably all in the approach...and I suck at soft approaches.

    Sorry man, it isnt exactly an equal distribution of labor and responsibility, but the designated cleaning time may be the only way of making her think that you are both meeting halfway.

    It's all good wheird, even if it's not "equal" I just don't want to being the guy busting my butt at work for our income, then doing 80% of the housework on top of it all.
  • mamaomefo
    mamaomefo Posts: 418 Member
    Options
    Although I was a stay at home mom to two kids...I also did all yard work, taxes, housework, and raised two kids. But hubby worked sometimes very long hours to take care of us too. He still works, I still am a stay at home mom, grandmom, etc. It works well for us. We've been married 40 years!
  • aylajane
    aylajane Posts: 979 Member
    Options
    You agree that you both put in 12 hour days of work (though they may be spread through different hours), make up a list of chores and frequency and divide them evenly (you pick one, she picks one, you pick one, etc just like grade school teams). You each decide when you will do yours (she can do hers during naptime or during the evening instead of spending time with you if she wants, you can do yours in the evening instead of spending time with her or your daughter or you can wait and do it after daughter is asleep or try to use weekends to catch up).

    If that interferes with your time to do other things you WANT to do instead of NEED to do... welcome to the real world - compromise, help each other out, find other times, or set priorities differently. Be adults. This isnt a p***ing contest of who does more than who.
  • Guns_N_Buns
    Guns_N_Buns Posts: 1,899 Member
    Options
    I'm not going to be a favorite in this thread...but here's my opinion:

    She's a stay-at-home mom...that involves all that it entails. Tell her to clean the damn house or get the steppin' (or a 9-5 job)

    While I agree with you, I'd be fine with a part time evenings/weekends job... then no baby$itter required...

    If she had any paying job (full time or part time), then it'd be reasonable to ask that you contribute a little to the housework.
  • arainiday1
    arainiday1 Posts: 1,763 Member
    Options
    how old is your baby ?
  • ATGsquats
    ATGsquats Posts: 227 Member
    Options
    Yeah, hire a housekeeper. Arguing about who does what is a waste of time, seriously invest in a housekeeper and you can thank me for saving your marriage later ;)

    Hire a housekeeper...WTF!?!?!?

    Tell her do some damn work or she can switch places with you.
  • JonnyMacAwesome
    JonnyMacAwesome Posts: 770 Member
    Options
    I'm not going to be a favorite in this thread...but here's my opinion:

    She's a stay-at-home mom...that involves all that it entails. Tell her to clean the damn house or get the steppin' (or a 9-5 job)

    While I agree with you, I'd be fine with a part time evenings/weekends job... then no baby$itter required...

    If she had any paying job (full time or part time), then it'd be reasonable to ask that you contribute a little to the housework.

    She always will refuse to clean the kitchen...and I'm ok with always cleaning it, because I can't stand a messy kitchen and food garbage...
  • JonnyMacAwesome
    JonnyMacAwesome Posts: 770 Member
    Options
    how old is your baby ?

    11 months
  • benaddict
    benaddict Posts: 1,381 Member
    Options
    We don't have kids, but my husband and I each have chores that we do. My husband does yard work, cleans the bathrooms, takes out the garbage, and does the dishes after I cook dinner. I do the grocery shopping, I cook, clean the floors, dust, and do the dishes anytime other than after dinner. We each do our own laundry. Most importantly, we do NOT nag each other about doing chores. If it's been a while since the bathroom's been cleaned, I either clean it myself or say nothing. If it's been a while since I've dusted, he either does it himself or keeps his mouth shut. It took us a long time to get to that point but it's one of the best things we've done and it's stopped a lot of the pointless bickering we used to do. I'd suggest dividing the labor in a way you both agree with, and then NOT nagging each other! If you know ahead of time what chores you're supposed to do, you can plan for them and still have time with your daughter. Good luck.

    ETA: We both have full-time jobs, although I'm a teacher so I'm off during the summer and I pitch in more in the summer too.
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
    Options
    lol, I love the title of this thread. I absolutely see your point, but I do agree that this argument may not go well. Maybe wheird's designated cleaning time would work.

    So far it seems like the most logical of the options provided, also @mamaomefo's suggestion too.

    I'm going to see if I can work both of them into one plan and see how that goes... It's probably all in the approach...and I suck at soft approaches.

    Sorry man, it isnt exactly an equal distribution of labor and responsibility, but the designated cleaning time may be the only way of making her think that you are both meeting halfway.

    It's all good wheird, even if it's not "equal" I just don't want to being the guy busting my butt at work for our income, then doing 80% of the housework on top of it all.

    I have seenthis argument many times before on different forums, usually with the SAHM crowd arguing that their job is 24/7/365 and the hardest job in the world, which I personally feel is vastly overstated.
  • aledba
    aledba Posts: 564 Member
    Options
    Yeah, hire a housekeeper. Arguing about who does what is a waste of time, seriously invest in a housekeeper and you can thank me for saving your marriage later ;)

    That's not an affordable option right now, otherwise we would have done that already...but thank you for the tip.
    [/quote]

    Well this is certainly not fun or a game. Either create a chore chart you can both stick to, hire some help or get ye to a marriage counsellor. There is no magic formula. It's trial and error. My impending marriage was very much on the rocks simply because of domestic concerns. This sucks, but is fixable!
  • paulawatkins1974
    paulawatkins1974 Posts: 720 Member
    Options
    Okay, I'll probably get some feedback on this but I say, she's a stay at home mom. That's her job. Take care of the kids and clean. I'm not saying she should do ALL of the housework. You live there too so you should contribute. But I think she needs to do the majority since she stays home. Just my opinion. I've always worked outside of the home so maybe I haven't walked in her shoes.
    I agree with this. My house would be SPOTLESS if I could stay home. I have the opposite problem. Hubs and I both work 8 hours a day yet he seems to think the majority of housework/childcare is My job (cause I'm a woman?). He doesn't say that exactly, but doesn't do much either. When he does the dishes (rarely) He says "I did the dishes for you" Really? For me? Thanks
  • Madame_Goldbricker
    Madame_Goldbricker Posts: 1,625 Member
    Options
    She's possibly just bored. Cleaning every day is hardly thrill inducing. People who are in at home all the time can easily get into a rut. Throw in day time tv & its game over.

    Adding - what's her social circle like now? Does she have other SAHM's she socialises with?
  • cavia
    cavia Posts: 457 Member
    Options
    What specifically is she asking you to take on in addition to kitchen duty?
  • midas1022
    midas1022 Posts: 151
    Options
    Whatever you do don't let resentment build. Discuss it with her. Give her the dignity and respect she deserves. A stay at home moms job is completely different than a 9-5 job but its still a job. Like any job its harder for some people than others for a lot of different reasons. When you discuss it with her try to see it from her perspective. I have an adult daughter now but When she was young I bought her a little vacuum and a little mop and we actually had a blast doing housework. Your wife may seem happy but maybe its her way of coping with her new life of being a housewife. Lets be honest if you knew what was going on in her head you would know why she is doing this and why you still thinks she is really happy. Sit down and discuss it with her. She is the mother of your children and she deserves it and so do you.
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
    Options
    So what does she do during nap time?
  • kewpiecyster
    kewpiecyster Posts: 154 Member
    Options
    Being a stay-at-home mom is 24/7/365. Been there, done that. HOWEVER - part of my 24/7/365 job was keeping house. It just makes sense. Was my house spotless? No. I needed to prioritize time with my children. But there was also plenty of time to get house cleaning done to an acceptable level. Then the weekends were a team effort to do a little deeper cleaning as needed.

    Being a stay-at-home mom is hard - but housekeeping is part of that job. I had a much better time after I found www.flylady.net The general belief is that you can do ANYTHING for 15 minutes. I basically started by setting the timer for 15 minutes and cleaning the kitchen - when the timer went off - I stopped even if it wasn't done. I then spent time playing with the baby, etc. A little later, another 15 minutes. Then during nap time I would power through chores for half of that time - and then the other half of that time was for me.

Categories