Hubs finds me physically unattractive i need motivation.

Hi everyone,
this is my second attempt to lose weight and get back in shape. Last night i had a conversation with my husband, he confessed to me that he doesn't find me physically attractive! He loves my personality and my "beautiful" face other than that... my physical appearance is an eye sore. I have 4 kids, I'm the biggest i've ever been!
His words might seem cruel but i know its his honesty, which I admire.
I need help! I need to get fit!
I lack the motivation and the knowledge when it comes to exercise and nutrition.

He should find you even sexier cause you gave him 4 KIDS! Hes a loser. Seriously. Thats my honesty.

I like this. And it is true.

First of all you've got to do this for you not for him, no matter how much you love him.

Here is a ginormous brain dump... I'm sure all the other MFPers are sick of seeing this already, but it's what helped me so I like to share it....

[...]
Oddly enough, on my journey here I've reduced guilt over food.
I have the occasional treat and I fully enjoy it with no guilt involved.
The thing is since I'm not eating crap all the time, now the occasional treat is just that a TREAT it's special and I enjoy it so much more than when I was unconsciously shovel junk food into my face.

Great post. These are things I've been learning as well.

Its all been said.
Your gorgeous, he's very plain and rather unattractive.
He sounds like a **** and you are too trusting.
Get slim! He'll probably turn into a jealous idiot and then you'll see him the way he is.

I kind of fear for you! Its making me emotional, I'm sensitive to any abuse or mistreatment to women, I have two sisters, and my mom , any mistreatment makes me think of them, and how I would hate for an of them to go through something like this. Something is not right with this man. just because you had a baby with him, shouldn't make you feel obligated to stay with him and have to endure mental and emotional abuse. This guy has serious issues.

Gotta say after reading through this entire thread, you make a lot of sense and I couldn't agree with you more. Well said man.

I'd be telling hubs to go fh, but that's me

Yep, me too...

You sound to be in a relationship much like that of my best friend and her husband. Four kids, emotionally and verbally cruel, abusive even, and unwilling to help her change (watch the kids so she can work out), but happy to comment on her body. I don't think you're unaware of how unhealthy this relationship is. You don't seem shocked or that defensive about any of the comments made on your guy.

Since he is unwilling to help so you can work out, I suggest you taken in less calories than you burn for weight loss. If you can do at home workout videos while the kids nap, Jillian Michaels has some great videos. Additionally, I want you to know that I feel really sadly for the husband you have and father your kids have. He sounds mean, to all of you. You're a beautiful woman and you and your kids deserve to be accepted fully. I hope you're wrong and he does change how he treats and speaks to others.

PS ...For what it's worth, I think you're way too good looking for him. I'm sure your breasts, down there and body is beautiful and completely normal.

I will answer a few unanswered questions here;
1. 3 of my kids are from a previous marriage
2. we are not legally married, common law? I sometimes say hes my bf or husband depending on my mood lol
3. He will not watch the kids so i can work out at the gym
4. Being "honest" is his way of motivating me
5. Part of the reason why he finds me unattractive is because... (im ashamed to say this on the internet but i have to let it out) my breast are asymmetrical by a lot. He wants me to get breast implant in the near future. also he complains i have too much skin... down there..
6. I want to lose weight to look good, finally be able to buy nice clothes, for my kids, for my health.
7. My lack of self esteem is not only because of him, but because of all the above...

OMG, I'm sorry but he sounds like an absolute dikwad, sorry!! U can do so much better. So your breast are not even? U have too much skin down there? He won't help with kids so u can go to the gym. Dump the dude, really.

I hope he likes his hands a lot, cause that would be the only action he would ever get again.

meh, he aint that great from what i can see.

Agreed!! If that is his picture, look at the putz in his batman shirt. You OP are gorgeous compared to him. Ugh, I don't even know you but I am so angry now. He is truly a jerk.

This is why so many of you have awful, broken relationships. If you cant take your spouse being honest, just break up already. It isnt like you arent headed down that path anyway.

I do appreciate that hes being honest. I've never had that blunt honesty before so it took me by surprise. I did however ask him and insisted on him telling me the truth.
I asked "do you find me physically attractive?" and he said "just lose weight and I'll have it all"

Sorry, I skipped a page and didnt read one of your updates.

You had three children before him and your imperfections were likely present when he came into the picture. This means he knew what he was getting into and chose to anyway. For him to suddenly be unhappy with your physical appearance when it has barely changed is a jerk move.

And for the record, you are really pretty. :flowerforyou:

Yeah, what wheird said....

Hi, sorry for jumping in but I just had to comment....

I went through something very similar to this a few years back, I was told I was fat, ugly, stupid, unworthy etc, he'd tell me other men looked at me because they couldn't believe how ugly I was etc... it started off with small digs or comments, then the comments would get nastier and nastier, there was no support from him, none, it got steadily worse until it got to violence and by that time my resistance was at an all time low. I just accepted it, silly I know, I had 2 sons by him and I felt trapped, he was all I had known since a child as we got together when I was 15, it took me until I was 30 to break free from him, my sons endured some horrific sights and arguements, they never had toys downstairs, when they heard his car they'd run up to play in the bedroom and they'd never make eye contact with him, it was a case of walking on eggshells all the time, he was a big drinker and it was horrid, he was sooo good at putting on the perfect partner and dad act to the world outside that it was only close friends (hardly any as he slowly moved me away from them all, asking me to stay in or speading lies about them so I didn't see them any more) and family that knew the truth. He even kept me away from my parents, I lived 5 miles away yet over 10 years I saw them no more than a handful of times and that was to drop the boys off, for 5 10 minutes, he'd wait in the car revving the engine so I'd apologise and go as quickly as I could so as not to anger him.

Anyway something eventually snapped and I'll tell you when it was, we'd fought, he'd grabbed my hair and he put my head through the oven door and as I lay there covered in blood and glass whilst he laughed I knew I had to get out and I did, I stood up to him and I know violence is wrong but I punched him as hard as I could I broke his nose ( I'm not proud of this, but the relief I felt was immense) he looked shocked and I told him that was it and to basically leave me alone.

A few months went by and I managed to break free and get my own house away from him thanks to my parents help,
I left him with everything and started again, I just wanted away and rid of him.

I noticed a change in my sons, they came and watched TV in the lounge with me, something they stopped doing a long time ago, there was laughter, we were happy, yeah he came round a few times trying to get back with me but I stayed as strong as I could, 6 months after moving into my own place he went out, got drunk and basically drove into a tractor, brain dead on impact and I had to switch his life support off in hospital, as I was still down as next of kin, that really messed with my mind, I was elated inside, sad, angry, upset, hurt, sad for my sons and I stood by the railings outside in a sort of shocked state whilst they sorted all the paperwork and moved him etc and the sky was clear and the stars were bright and I looked up and I felt free.

The next few months were tough don't get me wrong, it was a big mix of anger,resentment, hurt, excitement, bitterness, you name it every emotion went through my head...

Now the lighter side of the story...

3 years later I met an amazing kind man, he's fantastic, great with my sons, he's loving, tells me he loves me every day, he tells me I'm beautiful, he never shouts or gets angry, he's supportive and so gentle.
I finally know what true love is, we've moved away from the area for a fresh start, yet I've seen my parents more in the last 2 years than I had in the prior 15 years! Madness I know!
He encourages me to see my parents,he's supportive of me trying to lose weight and we're trying for a baby.
I'm really excited about my life now and where it may lead, it's like the dark clouds have lifted.

If telling the above can help one person get out of an abusive relationship then it's worth it,
You'll normally find an abusive person is actually the one who is self conscious or has low self esteem, they have to hurt others to feel better about themselves.

Ok he has been honest, but a caring partner would suggest a diet together, or more walks or cutting out certain foods, a loving partner has your best interests at heart and would word things a little better.

Oh one more thing, your beautiful children get one childhood, please please ensure they have a happy one

Wishing you all the luck in the world with the decisions that you make.

he doesnt sound supportive at all so how can he expect you to lose weight?
My husband asked me to lose weight, but he put it in a way where it didnt hurt my feelings at all. and he also said we'll do it together as he is eating cleaner and trying to bulk up.
He told me to look after my health and stop eating as much junk as he doesnt want to lose me to some illness.
If you're going to do it, u need to do it for yourself and ur kids.. and stand up to this "bf" of urs.. dont let him lower ur self esteem and confidence

an example of his beliefs is: our daughter only has her "true" cousins and "true" aunts and uncles that are from his side of the family, my side of the family is nothing except for my parents who are the grandparents. just like his daughter (outside of our relationship) is "true" sister of our daughter, but my kids our step-sister/brother for our daughter.

am i making sense?

... You are, sure. But he seems very messed up. Your kids have to be the stepsiblings of your other kid?

yes, only because they bare his last name.

I wasn't going to comment but I saw this...

My father died when I was young and my mom remarried...that man is my dad, the kids he had are my brothers and sisters...I never married my sons biological donar....I am married and that man is his father...

Any male can be a father but it takes a true man to be a dad...this male is not a dad. He needs a good dose of something up side the head...the best way to love a woman is to love her children regardless of where they come from.

What a knob....I would be sitting him down and giving him a dose of reality...you have to put your children before this man child...they don't have anyone else to protect them.

As for the rest lose weight if you want...and as soon as you do get your girls fixed if you want...

Don't let his comment bring you down.
My husband told me the exact same thing some time ago. Also he added: I already accepted that you are never going to change. I had gained 40 lbs since we first met. I didn't feel good to hear that especially since I usually get positive feedback from most other men I encounter. However, after all it's my husbands attention that I want most and I want to be attractive for him (especially since he is very fit aswell).
I didn't let this incident rob my confidence and him telling me that I could never do it only made me go like: okay, watch me....
Prove him wrong. You can do it too

Wow that's real deep ... first of all , YOU HAVE DONE AMAZING TO GIVE BIRTH TO 4 KIDS! WELL DONE!

SECONDLY, Your husband may be being honest but making you feel insecure by saying hes no longer finding you physically attractive anymore is just not right ... he should be helping you lose the weight ... for example; what to eat and not what to eat, little exercises to do now and then when you have the time together.

You have had 4 kids its not that easy to get back to your previous shape ... he should understand that... But one thing I would suggest is to take the negative words said by your husband or anybody else as motivation to push you to get up and do that exercise ... just let the words play in your head as you sit there feeling unmotivated to do any exercise .... that should give you the extra drive to prove those people wrong and get moving!

Its easier said than done I know but you can do it girl! Just take each day at a time

^I agree. And you cannot do this for him, you have to make up in your mind that this is something you want. Whether it be to have more energy for your kids or chores, health reasons, or to feel better about yourself. You can surely do it. Set a realistic goal. Use MFP as a tool, use the boards for motivation, and gain some knowledge from those who have accomplished what you are setting out to do. Go luck girlie.

I'd be telling hubs to go fh, but that's me

^This. Definitely.

If he can't look at your body and appreciate the changes HAVING FOUR KIDS has made, you deserve better.