what is it with my wife?!
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I'm not sure how that equates to pushing it on her too young. :huh:
Not that this has anything to do with the OP....but....if it took 2 years to "train" her, she wasn't ready. There really shouldn't be any training for a child with the bathroom. The body should be ready (to hold urine/poop) and the mind should be ready. My mindset was that they weren't going to go to college in diapers. lol. I just waited until my kids told me they were ready. Both were using the potty in one day by age 3.
Well looking back... there may have been some developmental delays there that I had missed at the time.0 -
I'll tell you something about my life that I think is unique. Because there is such a crammed schedule in my life, sometimes I do my house work in a very unique way.
You would be absolutely shocked at how much can get done in 20 minutes if you go all out, balls-to-the-wall HIIT on it.
I literally break into a full speed run, dripping with sweat (it doubles as a workout) getting things put in their place.
I can load and unload a dishwasher in just a couple minutes flat when I want to.
I can hang up a load of laundry in just a couple minutes if the effort is there.
I can pick up, clean and vacuum a floor, than put away the vacuum in just a couple of minutes if I want too.
There's a secret about this.
If the house is already clean, the 'daily cleaning' isn't really much.
Gather toys in a bin. Check.
Hang up the wash. Check.
Spray down counter tops. Unload dishwasher.
Reload and start dishwasher. Wipe down counter top. Check. Check.
Light a candle. Check.
Grab that sweeper and run it over the floors. Check.
This junk can be done in 30 minutes flat if someone wants to make the effort.
I run this gig after work from 5:15 to 5:35 and than I have the whole darn evening free to cook, spend time with my daughter, my boyfriend, swim, lift, work-out, watch movies.
Get it done, get it knocked out, keep it knocked out.
The cleaner you keep it the easier it is to clean.
The messier it gets the more daunting and prolonged it is.
And this is my "whirlwind pickup" lol!
However, if my husband threatened to take anything away from me so I'd be a better "little woman", I'd be done with that.
I lived with a man (older daughter's father) who worked and I stayed home. I felt like a child. I got an "allowance". I was told what to do and how to do it. Never again. That was horrible.0 -
Just tell her to clean the house or get a job. Plain and simple.
Well if she's not into cleaning, yes, maybe she can go back to work part time so you guys can have money to pay a weekly housekeeper. LOL!0 -
So you want her to work during her 3-4 hours of free time, but you are complaining because she asks you to help out during your free time? Maybe y'all should talk about it, nicely and calmly, and decide on a compromise that you both are happy with...
or the housekeeper idea.
Originally before our baby when she was working part time, we had a deal that she would do all the housework except cleaning the kitchen and I would take care of that.
Now that she is not working away from home at all, she wants me(who has taken on extra work hours to survive on a single income) to do more than just clean the kitchen, which I still do daily...
She asks me not to help out, but to do it instead of her...helping is one thing, being a slave entirely different...she also gets all day with our daughter, I get less than 2 hours per day.
Just adding perspective.
You bring up a good point about only having 2 hours/day with your daughter. If you phrase it that way...you work a lot and are concerned about getting quality time with your child, that might soften the blow. You are not asking her to do all the housekeeping, just to help out which I do not think is unreasonable at all. I doubt she is spending every second of every day engaged with your daughter...what does she do just sit there and stare at her while she plays? I will qualify that by saying that I have no children, but I was raised by parents who had my Mom stay home while my Dad worked so I have some idea of how the whole arrangement is done.0 -
Did she ever live on her own before marrying you? You have been together since she was 20...that's young.0
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I think it's fair to ask her to help out a little more. If baby is down for four hours, maybe ask her to invest half of that taking care of daily chores. Unless you live in a palace, that's enough time to get daily housework done. She's still getting more down time than you are (in theory) during the day, so I really don't think that's too much to ask.0
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Dear OP,
I've been following along on this thread, after my previous post, making sure to pay special attention to the posts where you provide us with more insight about your wife and your relationship. That being said, I think I have at least a decent, basic, understanding of what your marriage looks like at a glance.
And I don't think all is lost.
It sounds like the kitchen is a particular point of contention. One of the things I've done at my house is to keep some "kitchen toys" in the kitchen. My daughter has a little Fisher-Price Learning Kitchen *inside* one of my kitchen cabinets, LOL. She knows right where it is! Every morning we come downstairs and play with our toy kitchen and toy food sets. The cabinets that have toys in them are available for the little one to open herself, the other cabinets are fitted with babyproofing devices.
One of the things that helps me most is not just trying to get housework done during naptime (though I do plenty of that) but it's doing it while my daughter is awake and playing right at my feet. Yes, sometimes she gets fussy and demands my attention while I'm up to my elbows in soapy dishwater. But, when that is the case, I quickly dry my hands and get right down on the floor with her for some playtime. The dishes can wait. It might take me the better part of the morning to get the kitchen counter mostly cleared of dirty dishes (what did we ever do without automatic dishwashers, LOL!) but that's ok.
Quite honestly, I'd love to talk with your wife. I got married at 22, just like her (If I understood what you said, that was how old she was, correct?)- so I don't think her age is the problem.
You'd be amazed how much work a person can do *with* her child nearby. I have a baby gate on the laundry room (got it on craigslist, this doesn't have to be expensive), I keep my kid out of that room because my cat litter boxes are also in that room, and I don't want her playing in the litter. So my daughter plays right outside the gate, she can see Mommy, and I change over laundry or clean boxes.
Do you have a baby carrier? I have a Mei Tai wrap. My 12-mo-old still likes to be strapped up onto my back sometimes, and it's very easy to accomplish a lot of dishes, cooking, laundry folding, etc with my daughter just watching over my shoulder.
I think this whole thing can be resolved. She may not have realized that being a SAHM was going to be quite so much work... but people can change and adapt.
I'd love to know how your wife responds. Maybe just bring it up after the little one is down and ask how you can divide up the responsibilities so that everything gets done. I don't think all is lost.0 -
I don't understand this at all.
If I was in a position to be a stay at home Mom for a few years, I would make it a point to ensure the house is clean, dinner is on the table, etc. I actually think that sounds a hell of a lot more fun than corporate America.
It is Pay sucks tho :laugh: 0 -
Did she ever live on her own before marrying you? You have been together since she was 20...that's young.
When she was in college she lived on her own yes. When we met in a social setting she told me she was looking for no commitment, just fun. I responded saying I was looking for a wife, not a girlfriend.
Then we fell in love, and her idea of what she wanted completely changed...and we spent every minute of every day together from the day after we met up to when I got my career started...I was in college still when we met, and she would attend my classes with me, sitting in the back not causing a ruckus.0 -
Not that enough people HAVEN'T weighed in but.. i understand where you're coming from.
One of the earlier comments recommending a cleaning time set aside for both of you.
That what the BF and I do. We each take care of our 'own messes' daily and then Wednesday & Sunday we have a few hours of 'clean up time'.
Not sure if you all would need it daily but maybe that would work.
Also, I think the easiest way to approach it is from the standpoint that you want to work out a way that you can spend free time with your daughter.
I work all day & my bf works from home and I feel like this sometimes, too. On his breaks at home or when he's slacking a little mid-day, instead of XBOX, maybe you could empty the dishwasher.... lol. But I know he DOES actually work so it's harder.
I think it would be reasonable for you to SHARE the work when it seems like you're just doing it all solo now.
I consider myself a 'reasonable' woman & I think her working all day as a Stay At Home mom is a job, but just like YOU can take out 2 hours, maybe she can take out one. Or maybe she can take out 1.5.... a compromise in the middle maybe.
You're not negating what she does at home with your daughter, but I think she should meet you half way on this... instead of you also working all day & then all night at home, also.
And, like one of the last posts mentioned, I don't have any children either. But again, had a dad who worked FT and a mom who stayed home & she did all of the cleaning. I mean.. he took out trash and other 'guy' stuff..... That was MANY moons ago, so I don't expect your situation to mirror this... but I don't think it's unfair for her to get some work done in her free time as she's expecting you to do.
Good luck0 -
Lead by example. If you pick up one thing as you pass through a room and put it away or throw it away, that's one more thing that's not sitting around.0
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Did she ever live on her own before marrying you? You have been together since she was 20...that's young.
When she was in college she lived on her own yes. When we met in a social setting she told me she was looking for no commitment, just fun. I responded saying I was looking for a wife, not a girlfriend.
Then we fell in love, and her idea of what she wanted completely changed...and we spent every minute of every day together from the day after we met up to when I got my career started...I was in college still when we met, and she would attend my classes with me, sitting in the back not causing a ruckus.
Sweet
But most grown people don't cause a ruckus in public. O.o haha good line from Breakfast Club though 0 -
I'll tell you something about my life that I think is unique. Because there is such a crammed schedule in my life, sometimes I do my house work in a very unique way.
You would be absolutely shocked at how much can get done in 20 minutes if you go all out, balls-to-the-wall HIIT on it.
I literally break into a full speed run, dripping with sweat (it doubles as a workout) getting things put in their place.
I can load and unload a dishwasher in just a couple minutes flat when I want to.
I can hang up a load of laundry in just a couple minutes if the effort is there.
I can pick up, clean and vacuum a floor, than put away the vacuum in just a couple of minutes if I want too.
There's a secret about this.
If the house is already clean, the 'daily cleaning' isn't really much.
Gather toys in a bin. Check.
Hang up the wash. Check.
Spray down counter tops. Unload dishwasher.
Reload and start dishwasher. Wipe down counter top. Check. Check.
Light a candle. Check.
Grab that sweeper and run it over the floors. Check.
This junk can be done in 30 minutes flat if someone wants to make the effort.
I run this gig after work from 5:15 to 5:35 and than I have the whole darn evening free to cook, spend time with my daughter, my boyfriend, swim, lift, work-out, watch movies.
Get it done, get it knocked out, keep it knocked out.
The cleaner you keep it the easier it is to clean.
The messier it gets the more daunting and prolonged it is.
And this is my "whirlwind pickup" lol! However, if my husband threatened to take anything away from me so I'd be a better "little woman", I'd be done with that.
I lived with a man (older daughter's father) who worked and I stayed home. I felt like a child. I got an "allowance". I was told what to do and how to do it. Never again. That was horrible.
For me, necessity was the mother of invention, had I never been forced to adapt, I never would have.
Although I like a cleanly home, so seeing a mess day in and day out was enough for me to make the changes of my own accord, without pressure, influence, or guidance from a partner.
It seems to me like the clearer my home is, the clearer my mind is.
Feng Shui!0 -
I don't understand this at all.
If I was in a position to be a stay at home Mom for a few years, I would make it a point to ensure the house is clean, dinner is on the table, etc. I actually think that sounds a hell of a lot more fun than corporate America.
It is Pay sucks tho :laugh:
Hahaha. Yep! And that right there is the reason why I don't think I could ever do it. I could never be financially dependent on someone else. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it, ESPECIALLY with how expensive child care is. it's just that circumstances in my childhood made me want to ensure that I have my own money all the time, no matter what.0 -
@LFDBabs
1: She wants another child, I'm totally content with just her, period.
2: This is not about me being a better husband, and I am not playing the victim. I do not believe you have read enough of this thread to gain a good grasp on my point at all.
3: I stated earlier, we just started doing date night again, and it hasn't happened every week, but we are both hopeful to get it back up to that frequency.
I understand a cranky wife is not a happy wife... same goes for the husband...who wants to be at a job busting their @$$ day in and day out, getting *kitten* on by the higher ups, putting in extra hours, only to go home and get *kitten* on some more for housework...
You misinterpreted #2. I meant if you're going to engage in the conversation that you feel her request is unfair, don't do so in a "it's all about me" type perspective (in her eyes). She has to respect that you are the bread winner and you need to respect the fact that being a SAHM is a full-time job with no pay. A calm, respectful conversation should help to solve the problem.
I read your initial post. I could care less what 100+ other people added, and I have not the time nor the interest to read through to find out how we got to potty training. I offered MY opinion, from a female and familiar perspective. Very glad that you see the value of a date night! I wish I had insisted on it when I was married. That advice (from a counselor) came too late.
You're not the only person here with that works in an unhappy atmosphere. I bust my *kitten* at work (and get **** on by higher-ups ALL the time), I bust my *kitten* at home, maintaining my own home and putting two kids through college without any help from their father. I replied, because I've been through this and I know that as an exhausted SAHM, any conversation like the one you may want to have will be met with a defensive attitude which is why I stressed to ASK her how you can "be a better husband and father....." not that you NEED to be, but because it would show her that you VALUE the time with her and your child and it will help her understand that you are stressed too. It will make her seem like part of the solution instead of part of the problem.0 -
Make dates a priority as often as you can. She's probably lonely. She's probably the kind of bored that cleaning doesn't fix.Did she ever live on her own before marrying you? You have been together since she was 20...that's young.
When she was in college she lived on her own yes. When we met in a social setting she told me she was looking for no commitment, just fun. I responded saying I was looking for a wife, not a girlfriend.
Then we fell in love, and her idea of what she wanted completely changed...and we spent every minute of every day together from the day after we met up to when I got my career started...I was in college still when we met, and she would attend my classes with me, sitting in the back not causing a ruckus.
She'd probably talk to the mailman for 20 minutes if she could.0 -
In...
...late...
...but in.0 -
I haven't read all the responses because holy 17 (18?) pages. Just wanted to tell you that I don't think it is unreasonable for her to keep up the housework. I say this as a SAHM and full-time student to three kids - 15, 4 and almost 2. My husband works his 8 hour a day job, comes home, plays with the kids, takes care of the yard, takes out the garbage time to time, and helps when I've been slacking.
This is my job. I quit my 9-5 job to stay home when I was pregnant with our now 2-year old. My teenager splits her time between my house and her dad's, so she isn't much help. But guess what - the house is clean (most days) and I get stuff done, along with having down time (like right now while the kids are napping) and playing with the kids. I don't expect my husband to work all day and then come home and work some more. I would like him to spend time with our kids because that is the only thing I need a break from, and only when they are being little hellions all day.
I don't think it is fair to expect you to do housework on top of working all day.0 -
Every kid, every mom, every situation is different. My four are almost grown and we've had different arrangements over time. I'm sure your daughter is a wonderful child, but some wonderful children are extra work. If you have one of those, the extra work will pay off. In the meantime, it might be almost more than one adult human being can handle.
When my 3rd was 2 months old, I worked 30 hours a week, did almost all the childcare, did most of the housework, homeschooled my daughter, and still felt like my life was pretty balanced.
Babies #1 and #4 were a different story. #1 was high-need. She rarely slept for longer than 2 hours at a stretch (until about age 3 -- looking back, I think she had reflux from medical treatments she had as a newborn). When she napped during the day, so did I! I was so sleep-deprived, I craved the stuff like a junkie. I wasn't at the top of my game, either. I worked part-time and fit what housework I could around the edges, but I often had a hard time putting her down so I could fix a snack, pee, or take a shower. You can do a lot of things while you're holding a velcro kid on your hip, but not everything.
#4 was low birth weight. He nursed 17 hours a day for about 4 months, and continued to need newborn-style care until he was almost 8 months old. He then became busy, active, strong-willed. and into everything. There is no way I could have managed everything I managed with #3 with him!
If I'd only had #2 and #3, I would breezily suggest that women could do it all without breaking stride.
Fortunately, my husband largely went with the flow. We worked together to solve problems, and sometimes just had to accept that we'd get through the current situation the best we could.
So tell her you're feeling overwhelmed by the housework and listen to what's going on with her.0 -
I don't get why people care if she's depressed or bored.
If I get depressed or bored, I still grab my coffee, put my fat butt in the car and drive to work.
Being depressed or bored does not negate responsibility.0
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