what is it with my wife?!
Options
Replies
-
Well, in this case it doesn't seem warranted. But he has to talk to HER. I've asked if he's spoken to her about it already but get no answer. If she doesn't know, nothing can be fixed.
Sorry I didn't answer you...yes we have had several conversations/arguments in the past about it... which is why I posted her for suggestions...maybe my approach has been all wrong...
So, what is her reasoning for thinking that you need to do these chores when she is home all day?
Because she is home looking after the baby all day and she is too tired.
It is ONE baby, and one that can entertain itself easily while she does other things. Women for years have managed to do it. Give the baby some toys to play with & she can do other things. Tired? She does nothing, how can she be tired?0 -
Also, you don't want to push the PPD thing.
Docs just give you pills for that.
Guess what pills do?
Make you fat, addicted and lazy.
Than you'll have even more issues on her hand.
If she's depressed she'll tell you.
Don't try to diagnose a problem she has blatantly stated is not there.
This is not a medical issue.
It is a maturity issue.
Yeah, no, properly administered medication for legitimate depression symptoms does not make you "fat, addicted, and lazy."
Well, weight gain, dependency and loss of energy are on most anti-depressant warning labels.
Those are potential side effects and not guaranteed as you initially implied in the post above. The extent of side effects also varies in each individual (as with all medication) and can be much more manageable than depression symptoms.
It's not guaranteed, but there are very dangerous side effects.
I had PPD with my first daughter. Any side effects I may have had from the lowest possible dose of antidepressant to assist in coping with the symptoms, which is what the doctors encouraged, were nothing compared to what I was experiencing with the PPD. Looking at your daughter who you've spent the last nine months gestating, talking to, and planning for, who you know you love so much, but yet feeling absolutely nothing is probably one of the worst things I've experienced in my life. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
I don't care how you feel about medication, you should never encourage someone else not to seek treatment for issues they are potentially having just because you don't approve of a course of treatment that has nothing to do with you. If she does have PPD, she needs help.0 -
Well, in this case it doesn't seem warranted. But he has to talk to HER. I've asked if he's spoken to her about it already but get no answer. If she doesn't know, nothing can be fixed.
Sorry I didn't answer you...yes we have had several conversations/arguments in the past about it... which is why I posted her for suggestions...maybe my approach has been all wrong...
So, what is her reasoning for thinking that you need to do these chores when she is home all day?
Because she is home looking after the baby all day and she is too tired.
This makes me think that there really is something going on related to depression. Yes, looking after kids wears you out, I know from experience. But I was ridiculously tired when I had PPD. Physically, mentally, and emotionally tired - I had nothing left. In her case, it might not be PPD, but the huge shifts in responsibility and lifestyle could be situational depression. She may not readily admit to it, and she may not seem depressed when you're around (because she feels better when there is another adult around to talk to), but clearly something is going on that is causing her to shut down during the day.
I also wonder if perhaps this isn't a cry for attention. When she was working outside the home, she was bringing money into the house, people needed her, she had value. Being at home all day, no one acknowledges the tasks you complete. No one encourages you or thanks you for the stuff you do. It's just "expected" that you'll do it since you are home and it needs to be done. I know we all have tasks assigned to our respective jobs, but even when I was in the workforce, I would have people say thank you or tell me I did a great job on something that was just a regular part of my assignments. Not at home, and definitely not with kids.0 -
If she were truly depressed, then she wouldn't act "happy", and she wouldn't give a crap about the mess, therefore she wouldn't be nagging husband to do it.
She needs to suck it up and get over herself and realize everybody is tired, that doesn't give you a pass to ignore your responsibilities and expect someone else to do it.0 -
Going back to the initial question: What is it with my wife?
Your wife is lazy. There I said it. LAZY.
Your wife is acting entitled and self-centered.
Your wife probably didn't have the proper upbringing/teachings of what it means to be a woman. Our homes are our castles, whether we're single or married. You keep them clean and you KNOW how to do it and adapt ways to do it well and quicker. Those basics should already be laid out way before you get married. Therefore, once you're married, cleaning isn't even a topic of discussion, it's just your job as a woman (not necessarily just a wife.)
Your wife is young. See above. She probably didn't realize what it took to be a GOOD wife before getting pregnant and then having to rush to be a mother, as well. Now, because of outside influence, she is using that as a scape goat for why she "needs help". She's playing a victim and I think it's childish and pathetic.
The fact that she asked you to clean the kitchen is enraging to me. I actually get mad when people (especially a bf) tries cleaning or helping me...that's MY JOB. We're all tired and need breaks from our jobs, but HER LACK OF WORK doesn't constitute your OBLIGATION TO DO MORE WORK.
sounds more like someone is hellbent on gender roles...
I think chores should be SHARED regardless of who does xyz job.
(edit to add, I liked the owl so I quoted it too!)0 -
JMO of course, but it sounds to me like she is using the baby as an excuse. Being a SAHM means the home and all the little ones in it are your JOB!. What would happen if you just didn't do the other things? Would she eventually do them or would the house fall down around your ears? Who does the yard work and the repairs around the house? If you were the stay at home parent I would say the same thing, the house is your job, quit trying to push it off on the person who works 10-12 hours a day outside of the house. Come on really sounds like she is just lazy to me, and if she can get you to do her work for her then all the better.0
-
You two have obviously discussed this before so I would suggest you use sit down with her at a time there will be no interruptions and talk to her about it. She probably will have some good points to bring up. Don't lose your temper and just be honest with her.. Explain how you feel and let her talk. Even if she hurts your feelings let her get it all out. We men were given two ears and one mouth which means we should listen twice as much as talk. When your both done discussing it like adults then ask her for suggestions how to fix it. Don't let anymore resentment build up.
This is really good advice, especially the part about asking her for suggestions on how to fix it. It is about finding a win/win situation, one that really works on every level for you both.0 -
Tell her to go back to work if she does not want to do stuff around the house. if the kid is too much for her and wearing her out. Then maybe a babysitter is the thing to do. I know kids are time consuming but its a give and take.
If I were in your shoes I would be pissed I was having to come home and do chores all night and not able to spend any time with my kid. Because a lot of the time the situation is reversed to where the working parent is too tired and does not have time for the kids and other parent has to do more around the house rather then the stay at home parent not doing stuff around the house.
IMO she is using the baby as a crutch to not do stuff. My best friend had twins, being a stay at home mom and doing classes online, she still did the chores around the house and then when her husband got off work he basically took over the kids and helped with dinner.0 -
If it's just her, you, and the baby, how is there so much cleaning to be done every day?
Maybe you both (or she) needs to lower her standards and expectations of what equates to "cleanliness". Do you guys really want to spend your lives working, doing chores, and sleeping? There is so much more to life ;x
Idk my husband and I clean like once a month lol. I run the dishwasher every couple of days. Our house is fine >_>0 -
I run a home daycare and look after 5 toddlers all under 3 plus my own 5 yr old. On top of that I have 3 older children. In the course of a day I'm able to prepare breakfast for the daycare children and my 5yr old. Lunches for my husband and 3 older children. Lunch and snacks for daycare kids. Outside play, circle time, learning activities, diaper changes, crafts and get them down for nap by 1pm. Clean up and tidy up toys once all the daycare kids have gone home. I also make dinner for my family and hubby cleans up the kitchen after dinner. I also am able to find down time to have lunch and some screen time! One child would be a walk in the park lol
Really, you need to sit down and discuss with your wife and figure out a cleaning schedule that you both share. In our house hubby cleans the kitchen, dusts and vacuums.... I clean the bathrooms, do the laundry and wash the floors. We work as a team
Good luck!0 -
Good question. I'm waiting for my bf to bring this up to me, and at that time I will ask him to either buy me a new car OR to pay for a portion of what I'm paying in rent and utilities monthly - THEN I'll do more house work. Chores are 50/50, it doesn't matter if the person works inside the house or outside of the house.0
-
I'll tell you something about my life that I think is unique. Because there is such a crammed schedule in my life, sometimes I do my house work in a very unique way.
You would be absolutely shocked at how much can get done in 20 minutes if you go all out, balls-to-the-wall HIIT on it.
I literally break into a full speed run, dripping with sweat (it doubles as a workout) getting things put in their place.
I can load and unload a dishwasher in just a couple minutes flat when I want to.
I can hang up a load of laundry in just a couple minutes if the effort is there.
I can pick up, clean and vacuum a floor, than put away the vacuum in just a couple of minutes if I want too.
There's a secret about this.
If the house is already clean, the 'daily cleaning' isn't really much.
Gather toys in a bin. Check.
Hang up the wash. Check.
Spray down counter tops. Unload dishwasher.
Reload and start dishwasher. Wipe down counter top. Check. Check.
Light a candle. Check.
Grab that sweeper and run it over the floors. Check.
This junk can be done in 30 minutes flat if someone wants to make the effort.
I run this gig after work from 5:15 to 5:35 and than I have the whole darn evening free to cook, spend time with my daughter, my boyfriend, swim, lift, work-out, watch movies.
Get it done, get it knocked out, keep it knocked out.
The cleaner you keep it the easier it is to clean.
The messier it gets the more daunting and prolonged it is.
Dude, seriously. This is my life! It takes me less than an hour to deep clean the entire house including the bathroom, and have nothing else to do.
Your wife sort of reminds me of past roommates, who had never lived on their own. They don't clean or are really slow at it because they don't KNOW HOW. They are BAD at cleaning because they haven't practiced or don't have rhythms down, or like my roommates, were extremely mothered. I guess I've just been cleaning so long that I can clean my house in like 20 minutes.0 -
Oh god just roll0
-
If she were truly depressed, then she wouldn't act "happy", and she wouldn't give a crap about the mess, therefore she wouldn't be nagging husband to do it.
She needs to suck it up and get over herself and realize everybody is tired, that doesn't give you a pass to ignore your responsibilities and expect someone else to do it.
Not true at all. I was depressed for a long time and no one knew.
But I think you're right about her just being lazy and entitled. OP mentioned that her family also acts entitled so...apple doesn't fall far...0 -
Oh god just roll
Do you have anything productive to add?0 -
Today, in my home, I haven't done jack crap. lol. Oh well.0
-
I don't get why people care if she's depressed or bored.
If I get depressed or bored, I still grab my coffee, put my fat butt in the car and drive to work.
Being depressed or bored does not negate responsibility.
Spoken by somebody who hasn't suffered through depression....
ETA:
0 -
How is it that this got a part 2? I mean, really! :laugh:0
-
Have you tried saying "No"? No, I won't wash the dishes after working a 60 hour week...No, I won't clean the bathrooms, fold the laundry, vacuum, etc. From what I've read it sounds like y'all need to sit down and talk about your expectations of each other.0
-
I spent so much time following these posts that I haven't done any of the things I meant to do today -- cleaned the bathroom, wash the kitchen floor, folded the laundry, stripped the beds. I guess my husband should divorce me.0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 391.4K Introduce Yourself
- 43.5K Getting Started
- 259.7K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.6K Food and Nutrition
- 47.3K Recipes
- 232.3K Fitness and Exercise
- 390 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.4K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 152.7K Motivation and Support
- 7.8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.2K MyFitnessPal Information
- 22 News and Announcements
- 922 Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.3K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions