Nagging about saving money for IVF
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I don't understand why people are getting their knickers in a twist about the "allowance".
The OP and her husband have agreed a budget between them. They have also agreed between them a fixed and maximum amount of money that they will spend on non essentials - in this case $100 - because they are working towards a long term goal.
Sounds sensible to me...
To see a grown man defending the concept of another grown man being handed an allowance by his wife is disheartening to my outlook on the male gender..
To see a grown man defending the concept that a "man" should be "in control" of all of his decisions and the family money is disheartening. They agreed on a budget. He has an amount to spend. They both agreed on it. You are saying he should just do what he wants because "he's the man" right? Sounds chauvinistic and childish to me.
Great. Put words into my mouth in order to argue against them.
Well done.
Please......by all means tell me how you meant it. Do try to explain.
Though I'm able to do so, I don't feel the need to explain myself to whoever you are.
You've gleamed what you need to from my statement and I'll sleep just fine tonight having forgotten all about it.
You're so full of crap. You made some chauvinistic bs comments and got called out on it and now you want to pretend like it didn't happen. This isn't the 50s. Men aren't better than women. We don't rule the household. Marriage is a partnership and it's a two way street.
If you say so.
Again, I don't have to defend myself against words that I never uttered.
So you can repeat as many truisms as you want, it doesn't make a difference. I'm just entertaining myself with the last few minutes that I have at my desk.
Buddy, you didn't have to say it. Your comments spoke for themselves!
Errr, what comments of mine were so controversial?
"To see a grown man defending the concept of another grown man being handed an allowance by his wife is disheartening to my outlook on the male gender.. "
Oh, and the comment about her holding his balls in her purse.
Your comments imply that men are greater than women and men should always be in charge. If you can't see that, I feel sorry for you.
Of course, so what I needed to say was that the concept of seeing one PERSON being handed an allowance by their PARTNER is disheartening to my outlook on PEOPLE. Gotcha. I'll be sure to give you the PG / PG12 version whenever I decide to contribute to someones post.
You decide to draw your own implications from my posts like most people do and however incorrect, you stand by them.
Anyway.
He's not being *handed* an allowance. He decided to limit his spending to $100 a month. He also decided that his wife would be the person to take on the onus of managing the couple's finances. He took the easy way.0 -
Of course, so what I needed to say was that the concept of seeing one PERSON being handed an allowance by their PARTNER is disheartening to my outlook on PEOPLE. Gotcha. I'll be sure to give you the PG / PG12 version whenever I decide to contribute to someones post.
You decide to draw your own implications from my posts like most people do and however incorrect, you stand by them.
Anyway.
It's not an allowance. It's an agreed upon amount budgeted and agreed upon by both individuals. She is simply trying to get him to actually stick to it. Can you read and comprehend or did you just choose to comment without reading the thread?0 -
SO you get $50 a week then?
You dont read so well huh?
She said she has 0$ because she's not a spendy type female beyond groceries and gas
Yes but is that a "real" $0 per week, or a if he doesn't know about what I my online than I can say $0?
That makes zero sense
Try again
oh my bad that the one auto correct makes it so hard to understand
Yes but is that a "real" $0 per week, or a if he doesn't know about what I BUY online then I can say $0?
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Of course, so what I needed to say was that the concept of seeing one PERSON being handed an allowance by their PARTNER is disheartening to my outlook on PEOPLE. Gotcha. I'll be sure to give you the PG / PG12 version whenever I decide to contribute to someones post.
You decide to draw your own implications from my posts like most people do and however incorrect, you stand by them.
Anyway.
It's not an allowance. It's an agreed upon amount budgeted and agreed upon by both individuals. She is simply trying to get him to actually stick to it. Can you read and comprehend or did you just choose to comment without reading the thread?
I think it's reasonable to conclude that if the wife is on here complaining about her husband not sticking to what they "agreed" then the husband may not have agreed to it. We also haven't heard his side so I think it's early to draw much in the way of conclusions or to offer advice other than "speak with your husband." That said, I think the fact that everyone draws their own conclusions is what makes these threads so much fun to read.0 -
Errr, what comments of mine were so controversial?
Condescending - It was an amount that they agreed upon. How do you think this should work? Should both people just spend whatever the f they want or should the man be in charge of the budget.....you know....because he's a manHe gets an ALLOWANCE??
Seriously though, good luck conceiving. The sooner you're able to have a child, the sooner you'll stop treating your husband like one.
Again.....condescending....and chauvinistic. Because she is trying to stick to the budget which THEY BOTH AGREED ON she has his balls in her purse? seriously?She'd save a hell of a lot MORE money if she just took his balls out of her purse and gave them back to him.
Just saying.
Disheartening how? How is a man understanding that she is trying to stick to the budget and make him stick to the budget disheartening? Because the man is not 100% in control? Making all decisions? No...that couldn't possibly be what you mean.....just me putting words in your mouth.To see a grown man defending the concept of another grown man being handed an allowance by his wife is disheartening to my outlook on the male gender..
Condescending and chauvinistic... Wow, I mean... like WOW. I'll be handing myself into the closest police station and expect to be locked up once the full ramifications of my chauvinism has been determined via full investigation! Post haste!
Anyway. I have only a few minutes left so please make your reply entertaining..0 -
Of course, so what I needed to say was that the concept of seeing one PERSON being handed an allowance by their PARTNER is disheartening to my outlook on PEOPLE. Gotcha. I'll be sure to give you the PG / PG12 version whenever I decide to contribute to someones post.
You decide to draw your own implications from my posts like most people do and however incorrect, you stand by them.
Anyway.
It's not an allowance. It's an agreed upon amount budgeted and agreed upon by both individuals. She is simply trying to get him to actually stick to it. Can you read and comprehend or did you just choose to comment without reading the thread?
I think it's reasonable to conclude that if the wife is on here complaining about her husband not sticking to what they "agreed" then the husband may not have agreed to it. We also haven't heard his side so I think it's early to draw much in the way of conclusions or to offer advice other than "speak with your husband." That said, I think the fact that everyone draws their own conclusions is what makes these threads so much fun to read.
That's a fair point. It is possible that he has not agreed, but I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.0 -
If anyone has suggestions for me, please share. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for about 4 1/2 years. Our next route is IVF due to fertility issues. IVF costs $21,000.00. So, my husband and I decided we need to buckle down and start saving so we can do the IVF a year from now. The problem is, he keeps spending money. We both are ready to do this and wish it would just happen naturally, but it hasn't. He knows we need to save money and he wants to save money, but he spends money a lot easier than I do. I feel like I am a NAG constantly telling him "we need to start saving money, we don't really need that do we?" I feel like I am constantly nagging him about spending money. Yes, I may be getting a little overwhelmed and obsessive but if we want to do this, we need to start saving. We keep talking about it but can't seam to start saving. Any suggestions on how I can get him to stop spending money without being a total nag??? PLEASE HELP! He does get a weekly allowance of $100.00 and has a credit card for gas for work. But just yesterday he transferred $100.00 from our savings to his account....
Have you tried fundraising? Maybe something like Crowdfunding?
Applying for grants is anther option: http://babyquestfoundation.org/ or http://www.yourbump.org/index.html or Fertile Dreams Organization - IVF Grant or http://www.livestrong.org/we-can-help/fertility-services/
How about placing what you've collectively saved for your IVF treatment in a CD account? It would prevent him/you from accessing it at all until maturity or face penalties for early withdrawal.
Considering alternative modes of acquiring the necessary funds to meet your IVF goals needn't deprive either of you from the 'right' to splurge or have a treat ~ maybe not every week, rather fortnightly? It'll make the goal less appealing in my opinion, setting the 2 of you in different directions ~ you being disciplined about it and him being spendy.0 -
Of course, so what I needed to say was that the concept of seeing one PERSON being handed an allowance by their PARTNER is disheartening to my outlook on PEOPLE. Gotcha. I'll be sure to give you the PG / PG12 version whenever I decide to contribute to someones post.
You decide to draw your own implications from my posts like most people do and however incorrect, you stand by them.
Anyway.
It's not an allowance. It's an agreed upon amount budgeted and agreed upon by both individuals. She is simply trying to get him to actually stick to it. Can you read and comprehend or did you just choose to comment without reading the thread?
I think it's reasonable to conclude that if the wife is on here complaining about her husband not sticking to what they "agreed" then the husband may not have agreed to it. We also haven't heard his side so I think it's early to draw much in the way of conclusions or to offer advice other than "speak with your husband." That said, I think the fact that everyone draws their own conclusions is what makes these threads so much fun to read.
That's a fair point. It is possible that he has not agreed, but I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.
Hell its possible he dosen't even want kids.
ref. Actions of husband complained about by wife.0 -
Ok, I can't keep up. Anyone with Helpful or Positive comments, please message me. Otherwise, any negative comments on here, I am going to just ignore. Thank you to Everyone that gave me helpful ideas and positive comments
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Your husband's seeming denial about the need to save money may arise from him having emotional issues about being 'defective', or concerns about passing on his problem. He may be thinking that IVF is pointless and won't work for him anyway, and be secretly in despair over this--spending the money could be a way to avoid failing by not having IVF work.
This is kind of what I was going to say. I believe this is the problem. Your husband isn't committing to the saving because he isn't committing to the IVF. You are still trying naturally.....He doesn't want to believe he can't do it on his own. Having to go IVF makes him weaker and less of a man. There have to be a lot of emotional issues tied up in that.
this was my first thought too. IVF is a tough "admission" that you're not normal. (I had it)
Also, for all those suggesting "just adopt an infant" I'd suggest you research it a bit more. It is incredibly difficult and expensive. As far as adopting an older child, you need to realize that they are available to be adopted for a reason - their parents have lost custody for a reason. There are not US orphanages just full of children who's parents have died. The older children available for adoption often have many special needs and issues. Even those with the best of intentions will find it terribly daunting.0 -
Of course, so what I needed to say was that the concept of seeing one PERSON being handed an allowance by their PARTNER is disheartening to my outlook on PEOPLE. Gotcha. I'll be sure to give you the PG / PG12 version whenever I decide to contribute to someones post.
You decide to draw your own implications from my posts like most people do and however incorrect, you stand by them.
Anyway.
It's not an allowance. It's an agreed upon amount budgeted and agreed upon by both individuals. She is simply trying to get him to actually stick to it. Can you read and comprehend or did you just choose to comment without reading the thread?
I think it's reasonable to conclude that if the wife is on here complaining about her husband not sticking to what they "agreed" then the husband may not have agreed to it. We also haven't heard his side so I think it's early to draw much in the way of conclusions or to offer advice other than "speak with your husband." That said, I think the fact that everyone draws their own conclusions is what makes these threads so much fun to read.
That's a fair point. It is possible that he has not agreed, but I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.
You hit me as a fair dude, which is why I posted. For me, I'm just saying that a guy saying that the husband should grow a pair is not necessarily making a statement that men are superior to women. I can see how that conclusion could be drawn, and perhaps he was, but I don't think it necessarily follows. I also agree with you that it's a good call to give people the benefit of the doubt but it kind of goes both ways here. And, to be very clear, I'm not taking sides here as I haven't a clue what is going on between the OP and her husband (again, I've only read her side), and I'm equally unclear whether the other poster is a chauvinist pig or a just a dude being a dude and saying that another dude should grow a pair and tell his wife that the allowance thing bugs him (which I'm guess (drawing my own conclusions) because he isn't sticking with the plan).
I need a cute cat gif.0 -
I'm starting to feel really guilty about my spending habits after seeing everyone question where $100/week goes...
The important thing is that you understand budgets are this tight for a great many people in the US--and even tighter in some other parts of the world.
If you can spend more freely, by all means enjoy your good fortune (pun intended)--but keep compassion for those who can't.
There has been a social tendency in the US lately to "blame" people for their lack of "success" financially, attributing moral faults like "lazyness" etc. which really are not true. Whatever your situation, keep in mind that success means hard work and preparedness, but *also* requires luck.
As an explicit example of luck being required for "success", I once had opportunity to talk with a physician/professor who was on the admissions board of a major medical school. She told me that there are 5 times the number of qualified applicants each year than slots in US medical schools. This means that after they have winnowed down the pool to the group of all people who would be equally good doctors after training, they must still reject 4 out of 5 of them, and that sometimes it felt like their decisions were like throwing darts at a board or picking cards from a pile at random. This means, from the applicant's standpoint, that the applicant could do everything "right" in their academic career--and still have a 4 out of 5 chance of failing to get into any med school at all. These are certainly not lazy or stupid people, and their "failure" to enter that career boils down to sheer unfavorable luck.
So--if you have $100 to spend on a day at the spa, please enjoy the hell out of it for yourself and for all those who can't afford it. And be kind to those who can't afford it.
And if you are ever in a position to give a deserving person the luck element they need, I hope you will jump at the chance to empower them.
Um, no. Success does not require a bit of "luck". People are successful because they work HARD at it. They work 10-12 hours a day, 7 days a week. They put all their time, effort and energy into making whatever it is they are doing work.
So much this. I hate it when people say "oh you're so lucky to have a good job"
What the hell ever. It came after working my *kitten* off for years, and I never, EVER have time to do anything, becuase I'm always at work. That's not luck. People that think it's luck are the people that think if they wait around, a good job will just come to them.
Amen to that! I too, work my *kitten* off for everything I have and have had in the past. As a kid, no such word as 'allowance' in our house... If I needed money for anything, I worked. I babysat, picked vegetables and raked blueberries at local farms. If that work was unavailable, I did chores like raking yards, piling wood, etc.... As an adult, I have worked tirelessly in dead-end jobs; building a resume of solid, good references. All that hard work helped me get my foot in the door of the transport industry. I worked the last six years of my life on-call, literally 24 hours a day, 7 days a week... and lucky me, as of March I have yet another raise, and I have weekends off. Making decent money now too, and most people I know say "Wow, you are so lucky. I just can't find a good job like yours..." It is insulting to hear it called 'luck'; though I finished high school, I have no post-secondary education. I've earned everything I have through work and dedication. The ones telling me I'm lucky?? For the most part they have poor work ethic and are hap[pier sitting home on unemployment or scamming welfare. It makes me a bit mad, but I guess I should just be happy I learned the value of a dollar when I was young, through hard work, instead of a weekly allowance and parents that handed me everything...... S'cuze the rant but... Luck? Yea right.0 -
Good luck! I am married to a spender too. We're retired and on a fixed income. He finds good deals and buy it even though he doesn't need it. It make the person feel good, just like when we eat when we're not hungry.
This is what we do. And we schedule the automatic transfers for the day after we get paid. That way, we never really miss the money.0 -
Not sure if anyone mentioned this since there were a lot of responses, but what about setting up a gofundme account?0
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*Does* he want it?0
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Anyway. I have only a few minutes left so please make your reply entertaining..
You keep saying you have only a few minutes left. What clock are you using?0 -
Of course, so what I needed to say was that the concept of seeing one PERSON being handed an allowance by their PARTNER is disheartening to my outlook on PEOPLE. Gotcha. I'll be sure to give you the PG / PG12 version whenever I decide to contribute to someones post.
You decide to draw your own implications from my posts like most people do and however incorrect, you stand by them.
Anyway.
It's not an allowance. It's an agreed upon amount budgeted and agreed upon by both individuals. She is simply trying to get him to actually stick to it. Can you read and comprehend or did you just choose to comment without reading the thread?
I think it's reasonable to conclude that if the wife is on here complaining about her husband not sticking to what they "agreed" then the husband may not have agreed to it. We also haven't heard his side so I think it's early to draw much in the way of conclusions or to offer advice other than "speak with your husband." That said, I think the fact that everyone draws their own conclusions is what makes these threads so much fun to read.
That's a fair point. It is possible that he has not agreed, but I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.
You hit me as a fair dude, which is why I posted. For me, I'm just saying that a guy saying that the husband should grow a pair is not necessarily making a statement that men are superior to women. I can see how that conclusion could be drawn, and perhaps he was, but I don't think it necessarily follows. I also agree with you that it's a good call to give people the benefit of the doubt but it kind of goes both ways here. And, to be very clear, I'm not taking sides here as I haven't a clue what is going on between the OP and her husband (again, I've only read her side), and I'm equally unclear whether the other poster is a chauvinist pig or a just a dude being a dude and saying that another dude should grow a pair and tell his wife that the allowance thing bugs him (which I'm guess (drawing my own conclusions) because he isn't sticking with the plan).
I need a cute cat gif.
:drinker:
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Also, for all those suggesting "just adopt an infant" I'd suggest you research it a bit more. It is incredibly difficult and expensive. As far as adopting an older child, you need to realize that they are available to be adopted for a reason - their parents have lost custody for a reason. There are not US orphanages just full of children who's parents have died. The older children available for adoption often have many special needs and issues. Even those with the best of intentions will find it terribly daunting.
EXACTLY. While it is incredibly admirable and wonderful that people are willing to take special needs children into their hearts and homes, it's not fair that people who can't conceive naturally are expected to do so, and that if they want to try and have their own instead of adopting they're somehow "selfish".
My husband and I actually did adoption classes with the intent of adopting through Children's Aid Society, and the workers there who ran the class said that we were pretty well guaranteed to get a child with a myriad of problems, potentially physical, behavioral, psychological, or all of the above. We were not ready or equipped for that, so we had to put a hold on it when the classes were done.
The other options, private or international adoption, are actually MORE expensive than IVF, and are NO guarantee of actually getting a baby at the end. Adoptions fall through all the time for various reasons. If I could go to some kind of baby drive-through and get a random baby handed to me, I would love it like I gave birth to it and be happy. But it is NOT that easy, and it's really ignorant to suggest it to an infertile person, especially if you've never dealt with it yourself. Believe me, the infertile person you're talking to has very likely already thought about it, and/or looked into it.0 -
Also why would you WANT children? They are endless money pits!!! I thought people only had kids by accident nowadays?
People seriously think this way? I hope you accidentally have one so you will know the truth behind children. Tbe only pure love you will ever feel is for and from your children. Its the most anazing feeling, so amazing it can't be described with words. All 3 of my children were planned.0 -
Ok, so I hope I don't get yelled at for this, but......If it's not happening naturally, then maybe it's not supposed to happen. Try adoption. There are lots of kids out there who need homes. All the nagging and such will cause problems in the marriage. I know adoptions cost money too, but it might be less stress on both of you. Just my opinion.
:huh:
You know it was a terrible thing to say and you said it anyway. Why? What did you get out of it?
Lots of people experience difficultly conceiving without intervention. Are all those people supposed to stop trying because they have a medical issue? That is absurd and backward. Science is a real thing that helps people achieve their dreams.
OP and her husband have some issues to work out -- but statements like this are just rude.0
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