Do I tell her she's gaining?

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Replies

  • lavendah
    lavendah Posts: 126 Member
    edited October 2014
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  • Screwedntattooed
    Screwedntattooed Posts: 238 Member
    I love how some people think that the person gaining weight is oblivious to it. It's none of your business I am sure she isa fully aware she's gaining weight, weren't you when you gained or lost? Leave her alone it is not your place to say anything.
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
    I'm a straightforward kind of person, so if I TOLD YOU to let me know if I was gaining, that means I want you to let me know if I'm gaining.
  • PrizePopple
    PrizePopple Posts: 3,133 Member
    It's been almost a year since the OP.... I want to know if OP told her or not. :stuck_out_tongue:
  • VladW
    VladW Posts: 6 Member
    I have been overweight most of my life. Will be 64 in a couple of weeks. I was told by many well-meaning people over the years that I needed to loose weight. About seven years ago I finally began the reverse trend. I dropped from my peak of just over 280 into the 240's, and then hung there. In March of this year I had emergency double by-pass surgery. Most of my health problems were a result of being overweight.

    I am told that there is an old Asian saying: "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear". Well, this "student" knew for more than half a century that he needed to lose weight, but he wasn't ready. The surgery and thinking that I would like to live to see my four (to be five in December) grandchildren grow up finally got me ready. Voila - the teacher was there.

    So since then I have lost about 30 pounds and am at a weight (202 this morning) that I have not seen since I was in my early 20's.

    Whole point of my story is: "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." So leave her alone - she knows what is going on but isn't ready to do anything about it.
  • dbmata
    dbmata Posts: 12,950 Member
    ctalimenti wrote: »
    I have a family member who lost a lot of weight last year. At that time, she told me to let her know if she started gaining again.

    Well, she's gaining again. Do I dare say anything? Doubt she'll take it well and it probably won't change her ways.

    What to do, what to do???

    Yes.
  • dbmata
    dbmata Posts: 12,950 Member
    ctalimenti wrote: »
    I have a family member who lost a lot of weight last year. At that time, she told me to let her know if she started gaining again.

    Well, she's gaining again. Do I dare say anything? Doubt she'll take it well and it probably won't change her ways.

    What to do, what to do???

    No.
  • 7aneena
    7aneena Posts: 146 Member
    PrizePopple wrote: »
    It's been almost a year since the OP.... I want to know if OP told her or not. :stuck_out_tongue:

    LOL!! I didn't even notice this thread is a year old :wtf:
  • dbmata
    dbmata Posts: 12,950 Member
    7aneena wrote: »
    PrizePopple wrote: »
    It's been almost a year since the OP.... I want to know if OP told her or not. :stuck_out_tongue:

    LOL!! I didn't even notice this thread is a year old :wtf:

    Tell her.
  • dbmata
    dbmata Posts: 12,950 Member
    7aneena wrote: »
    PrizePopple wrote: »
    It's been almost a year since the OP.... I want to know if OP told her or not. :stuck_out_tongue:

    LOL!! I didn't even notice this thread is a year old :wtf:
    Don't tell her.
  • trinatrina1984
    trinatrina1984 Posts: 1,018 Member
    7aneena wrote: »
    PrizePopple wrote: »
    It's been almost a year since the OP.... I want to know if OP told her or not. :stuck_out_tongue:

    LOL!! I didn't even notice this thread is a year old :wtf:


    I think OP bumped it as she hadn't told her and she has now gained 30lbs - I think i saw that a few pages back
  • dbmata
    dbmata Posts: 12,950 Member
    ouch.
  • Sued0nim
    Sued0nim Posts: 17,456 Member
    edited October 2014
    OP should have told

    I would be totally oblivious to weight gain of 10lbs or so if I wasn't logging and weighing daily

    I really don't get the "she knows" I actually didn't notice how fat I got until the very end ...I look in the mirror and think "you look OK" ...yup I have a weird old body dysmorphia that probably comes from my hourglass shape and height ...I felt I could carry it and the number of people who now tell me I look great and not to lose any more don't help (I have lost 33lbs and am still 12lbs above a BMI of 25)
  • davert123
    davert123 Posts: 1,568 Member
    tell her in a loving non patronizing way - and as people say offer to work out with her :-) She asked you to so she wants you to :smile:
  • Timelordlady85
    Timelordlady85 Posts: 797 Member
    ctalimenti wrote: »
    I have a family member who lost a lot of weight last year. At that time, she told me to let her know if she started gaining again.

    Well, she's gaining again. Do I dare say anything? Doubt she'll take it well and it probably won't change her ways.

    What to do, what to do???

    You could maybe invite her to workout with you and then mention that you noticed you both need to workout more and eat better. If you make it about both of you instead of just her, then she might take it better.
  • TheBoldCat
    TheBoldCat Posts: 159 Member
    my best friends tells me when he notices am gaining, eating trash, not exercising enough and I appreciate it. I do the same for him so we watch out for each other...

    just tell her face to face, suggest some support...
  • kashadilla
    kashadilla Posts: 14 Member
    When my first daughter was born, I was so focused on taking care of her and figuring out handling life as a new mom that my self care went way downhill. I gained about 30 pounds, and I DID NOT REALIZE IT until I saw pictures of myself from Christmas. I put on pounds pretty evenly all over so my clothes really didn't fit that much differently, and since I was post partem I was still wearing pretty loose fitting clothes anyway. It's totally possible for someone to be so busy/wrapped up in other things in life that they actually don't realize they are putting weight back on.

    I distinctly remember saying to my husband, "Why didn't you tell me I was getting so fat!?" and after losing those 30 lbs asking him to please make sure to let me know if that happens again! If I asked you to tell me, I would want you to tell me.
  • MelodyandBarbells
    MelodyandBarbells Posts: 7,724 Member
    edited October 2014
    SLLRunner wrote: »

    Support does not mean telling someone else when they've gained weight, or even that they are eating a certain thing, or not exercising enough. Support means you are there as a friend giving kudos, accepting them in their journey, treating them as you would any friend or person you love.

    So, basically, support is ALWAYS being positive, and avoiding the truth, if it's negative. Sort of like, how it's supposed to be at MFP ?

    0.jpg

    Cute picture. :smile:

    Of course support is not always being positive. It means honesty, but that's not what the issue is here in my opinion. The friend is asking the OP to take some responsibility for the friend's weight loss. Why?

    Why on earth should we ask someone else to tell us if we are gaining weight when we already know it ourselves? The truth is in the tight clothes and the scale a d how our bodies feel.

    I am 100% responsible for keeping my weight under control (or not) and recognizing if I'm gaining weight.

    So the time to back out of the agreement would be at the time of the initial request. As an adult I wouldn't agree to do something and then not honor my commitment. If I later realized it would make me uncomfortable, I would have a conversation with the person and say, I'm sorry I can't do this, or find a way to woman up and do it anyway, while learning a lesson for the future - as in "never again". We do things to help other adults all the time. I can't wrap my head around making an agreement and then weasle-ing out of it. So you might get punched in the nose. BFD. Put your guard up and get to work!

    More specifically to this situation it could be an opportunity to find out what challenges she ran into and help her see some easy-ish solutions she may not even have been aware of. Being her step daughter she could even help make some meals for her (maybe even together) if she feels she can't enjoy tasty lower calories foods, etc. They could go out for treats together so she doesn't feel like she's committing a mortal sin because she likes icecream and that those can indeed be a part of a reduced calorie diet. In short, it could be an opportunity for education and information sharing if she's open to it
  • incognitocity
    incognitocity Posts: 27 Member
    as someone who was blindly lied to by the people around me, i wish that someone had asked me "are you ok?" while i was in complete denial gaining weight spiraling deeper into depression.

    just ONE (personal) opinion.

  • ctalimenti
    ctalimenti Posts: 865 Member
    PrizePopple wrote: »
    It's been almost a year since the OP.... I want to know if OP told her or not. :stuck_out_tongue:

    Nope, didn't want to take the risk. She's too sensitive and would whine to the world about me. Lost interest.

  • Alatariel75
    Alatariel75 Posts: 18,342 Member
    ctalimenti wrote: »
    PrizePopple wrote: »
    It's been almost a year since the OP.... I want to know if OP told her or not. :stuck_out_tongue:

    Nope, didn't want to take the risk. She's too sensitive and would whine to the world about me. Lost interest.

    Did she keep gaining?
  • amnsetie
    amnsetie Posts: 666 Member
    edited February 2015
    Get her dad to tell her. Explain to him why, that she wanted prompting. He's gotta know how hard it is for you being a step mum, the boundaries and all.
    If it was a great relationship with her you would have told her. You're in a partnership, share duties.
  • Lisa1971
    Lisa1971 Posts: 3,069 Member
    Wetcoaster wrote: »
    People who are gaining weight back know it.

    THIS! Don't say a word!!!!!!!

  • SwankyTomato
    SwankyTomato Posts: 442 Member
    ctalimenti wrote: »
    I have a family member who lost a lot of weight last year. At that time, she told me to let her know if she started gaining again.

    Well, she's gaining again. Do I dare say anything? Doubt she'll take it well and it probably won't change her ways.

    What to do, what to do???

    If you know she will not take it well and not change her ways, then there is really no benefit in saying anything.

  • Wiseandcurious
    Wiseandcurious Posts: 730 Member
    SwankyTomato wrote: »
    ctalimenti wrote: »
    I have a family member who lost a lot of weight last year. At that time, she told me to let her know if she started gaining again.

    Well, she's gaining again. Do I dare say anything? Doubt she'll take it well and it probably won't change her ways.

    What to do, what to do???

    If you know she will not take it well and not change her ways, then there is really no benefit in saying anything.

    You do realize he asked the question more than a year ago, right? Just checking :)
  • mistyloveslife
    mistyloveslife Posts: 111 Member
    jerbsod wrote: »
    You DO NOT want to have that conversation with a women EVER...
    NEVER EVER tell a woman she is getting well... fat

    Ditto! My husband made a comment to me once about how many sweets I was consuming. It was meant well but it hurt my feelings so bad! I knew I was gaining weight and eating bad. We all do... If she's gaining, she knows she changed her eating/work out habits.

    I would ask her if she wants to workout with you. Working out usually motivates people to eat better. If she brings her weight gain up after mentioning the working out, then you can talk about it. I would tread lightly on the subject until then. It's a very touchy issue for some women. Good luck!

  • ctalimenti
    ctalimenti Posts: 865 Member
    Alatariel75 wrote: »
    ctalimenti wrote: »
    PrizePopple wrote: »
    It's been almost a year since the OP.... I want to know if OP told her or not. :stuck_out_tongue:

    Nope, didn't want to take the risk. She's too sensitive and would whine to the world about me. Lost interest.

    Did she keep gaining?

    Absolutely, probably 20 more lbs.

  • ctalimenti
    ctalimenti Posts: 865 Member
    Wiseandcurious wrote: »
    SwankyTomato wrote: »
    ctalimenti wrote: »
    I have a family member who lost a lot of weight last year. At that time, she told me to let her know if she started gaining again.

    Well, she's gaining again. Do I dare say anything? Doubt she'll take it well and it probably won't change her ways.

    What to do, what to do???

    If you know she will not take it well and not change her ways, then there is really no benefit in saying anything.

    You do realize he asked the question more than a year ago, right? Just checking :)

    Yeah there was really no benefit as I figured she would take it the wrong way. Very victimy.

  • Alatariel75
    Alatariel75 Posts: 18,342 Member
    ctalimenti wrote: »
    Alatariel75 wrote: »
    ctalimenti wrote: »
    PrizePopple wrote: »
    It's been almost a year since the OP.... I want to know if OP told her or not. :stuck_out_tongue:

    Nope, didn't want to take the risk. She's too sensitive and would whine to the world about me. Lost interest.

    Did she keep gaining?

    Absolutely, probably 20 more lbs.

    To be fair, she probably would have even if you said something.
  • bainsworth1a
    bainsworth1a Posts: 313 Member
    I wouldn't say anything about her weight or remind her of what she said. but as a good friend I would ask her if everything is ok. She may start talking and tell you what is going on. If she doesn't want to talk then tell her you are there to support her in what ever she needs.

    speaking from experience i asked a friend for help with my eating once and then resented her when she would say things like you shouldn't be eating that.

    good luck
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