Confession Time! ((ABSOLUTELY NO JUDGEMENT))

Triplestep wrote: »

I haven't eaten dinner yet. I have about 555 calories left in my day, and I'm about to spend them all on popcorn and pinot grigio.

I LIKE THE WAY YOU TALK ABOUT CALS. LIKE THEYRE MONEY, I DO THE VERY SAME THING WHEN I HAVE A GOOD EXERCISE DAY AND I HAVE TO GO OUT IM ALWAYS LIKE " OH YEAH I HAVE A FEW CALS. TO BLOW" THEY FEEL LIKE CASH FOREAL...LOL

kecmw25 wrote: »

hnsaunde wrote: »

kecmw25 wrote: »

One more confession for today and then I'm done. Saturday I was at a bridal shower and someone made s'more bars. I love, love, love anything s'mores but I couldn't have one because I gave up chocolate for lent. (What was I thinking?) So I ate a piece of fruit pizza, was still thinking of the s'more bar. Ate a piece of white cake with raspberry mouse filling, super yummy but was still thinking about the s'more bar. Went home and had some golden oreos, was still thinking about the s'more bar. I'm still thinking about that damn bar today. Seriously, if you're craving something just let yourself have it and forgive yourself because you will eat way more trying to replace it with something else.

BTW, I'm making dessert for Easter and am torn between a triple chocolate poke cake I found on Pinterest or better than sex cake. Any suggestions? Oh, and s'mores

If you're not against alcohol of any kind, this Guinness cake is absolutely fantastic. I made it for St. Patty's day, and it's decadent, rich and almost lava cake like in texture. It does come in at ~550 calories per slice (16 slices per cake) though...

http://loveswah.com/2013/03/dark-chocolate-guinness-cake-with-baileys-cream-cheese-icing/

Sounds amazing! Thanks

ETA I am not against alcohol of any kind

I'm going to have to try that one too!

This is my favorite chocolate cake recipe- yummy!
foodnetwork.com/recipes/ina-garten/beattys-chocolate-cake-recipe.html

81Katz wrote: »

DH asked if you could freeze Cadbury Creme Egg's and I said (I don't know?) We had them as our snack last night (was going to Sat. whole nother' story there) but anyhow, he's like "if we can freeze them, we should buy some and have a bunch on hand." Not sure that would be a good idea. Tempting yes, but good, I don't know. I do love those little eggs.

NOOOOooooo! Stay away from those eggs! Don't do it!

My life has been a roller coast the last 7 months. And even now, when I try to grasp all that's happened, I somehow lose myself and break. I somehow feel writing makes it better but then maybe it won't. But let's go back before that. I started using this back in 2011. I was at my biggest in fall of '11 at 324 pounds. I didn't have a neck, I had a small face on a huge round orange of a head. Don't worry, I'll post that pic as well as a recent pic. I tried a couple fad diets. But what worked for me was counting calories and walking (when I could motivate myself to get up) I am a gamer and as most of you know, the gamer lifestyle is sit and move your fingers. So I had that going against me. But I counted and I walked and in the summer of 2013 I reached my lowest weight which was 227...4 pounds away from goal #1: triple digits lost. I had relationship issues which were at the fault of yours truly and things were really rough. But soon enough, things were repatched and come that august, a new game came out that my gf at the time and I played every hour of the day were not working or sleeping, Final Fantasy XIV, a new massively multiplayer online role playing game. Well there's no time to cook because killing monsters so we ordered out so much. I stopped caring about my diet. From August to Dec...in 5 months, I gained so much weight back, over 30 lbs, I really ate like *kitten*. I also work as a manager at arbys and while I do know of many ways to eat calorie healthy there, during that time, I didn't care. But when I weighed myself in Dec '13, I knew I had to get back on track.

Fast forward to Sept of '14...I am still losing, still on track but things didn't go as planned. I fell in love with another while I was still engaged. I made a lot of mistakes...A LOT. I am not proud of the person I was. I beat myself up everyday about it still. I lived 2 separate secret lives so to speak and did this for 5/6 months. I couldn't deal with myself and what I did so I came clean and told every everything. I couldn't live with the pain I put them through and even more, I couldn't live with pain I put myself through. I contemplated suicide. I contemplated dark dark things. I was not happy of who I was and who I became. I became something I always hated...my father...my older brother...I Was better than this...but apparently I wasn't. I left Wisconsin, a home I had for 31 years to move to California. Then moved back to Wisconsin intending to make that my permanent home once again, then back to California.

I've been through a lot and I lost a lot. I lost one of my best friends. I hurt so many people. I hurt myself. I still struggle on the daily. Sometimes my mind can't comprehend the crap I did and I lose it. I go into a depression. I cry myself to sleep. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself. I family says that I came clean because I want to be that better person I thought I was. That I need to give myself some slight credit because I am changing the person I was to the man who I want to be. I sometimes agree and disagree with that. Yes, I am a sweet, compassionate, caring guy who is lovable and funny and had a great personality. I have major faults but I am trying to be a better person, trying like hell to change to who I was. I hated that person. When I see posts on facebook saying real man treat their woman like this, and real men that...I lose my *kitten*.

I am one of those guys.. I am one of those "bad guys"...and I am trying like hell to deal with that. My family says but you knew you did bad and you came clean to be a better person, that means something...does it? At the end of the day, I look at the people I hurt, the people I lost, and I cry. I have a lot to be thankful for sure. I still have my significant other, my pillar.

When I came clean, I was prepared to lose both of them, I was prepared to be alone..I was prepared. My girlfriend/fiance of 6 years shut me out. My other girl, even through my faults, my horribleness, my flaws saw something good in me. She refused to let me go. I love her for that, for being that pillar to lean on. I put her through a lot and while we went through some hard times, she keeps me sane. When I go off to the deep end and dig myself into that hole, she pulls me out.

This has been the last 7 months of my life...with the truth coming and moving back and forth literally in the last 20 days... We all try to be the best we can. We try to be strong. We try to do what's right. Not everyone's perfect. We have faults. We are human. Some of us our monsters...I was. I want to believe that monster is dead and what's left is the man I knew to be a good person. A couple days ago I had a bad night and went over 1500 calories. I know in my head we sometimes get weak and have bad moments...but I've been weak for so long and it's so hard trying to be strong when you feel like you aren't worth much.

I keep telling myself to be strong, to push myself. Going through emotional hell, hurting people, losing friends and trying to eat xxxx calories and trying to work out while moving into a new home and getting situated back into a new job...it's a *kitten* lot to deal with. But I am staying strong. My girl started using mfp a couple months back with me and she's lost 10 lbs. We are staying strong and doing this together and I am glad for that.

So here I am. 5.4 lbs away from my first goal of triple digits lost (224)... currently at 229.4. After that, I am gunning for the under 200 lbs (goal number 2) After that, I have no plans.
This is my story. I am not proud of it...but I hope to become proud of the person I can be from here on out. It's hard doing this with life struggles. I am sure we all deal with it from time to time, maybe not as severe as this, maybe even more severe. It's how we deal with those hard times and persevere through them.

I am having a hard time. I am...but day by day, it seems like it gets better..all we can do is push forward. Having friends on here and seeing those motivational comments helps too. Thanks for reading. As promised, here is a before/after Aug '11 and Aug '14



Again, thanks for reading

caddir wrote: »

Today I got really angry at work: so angry that my boss took me into another office to talk to me about it. He said that while I might well be right in what in was saying, I was doing it all wrong. I know I am right in what I was saying.

He might be right. He probably is right. I don't know what to do. I am rather shouty at moment. I might be taking work too seriously.

This one time at work, I snapped at my then supervisor because a) I was PMSing and b) I didn't like her, so she was convinced I had "anger issues" and talked me into going to counseling. I only went to smooth things over in the office...man she was such a b!#c#. I'm a nice person and she deserved my snappy attitude.

brandi9172 wrote: »

My abusive and estranged husband committed suicide last week. He was in jail after beating his current girlfriend and trying to kill her and he hung himself in his cell. When I first heard the news, to be honest, I was excited he was dead. For many reasons really...he was more than abusive, the man was straight evil. He was excessively controlling and mean, he was a psychopath and I am truly lucky to have been able to escape with my life. There were times I thought I wouldn't. And I have been worried for the last year and a half that he would find me again, and that he would kill me this time. Why do I feel like a liar every time I say anything like that...he had me so screwed up, still has me so screwed up, that I don't even believe myself half the time when I talk about it. I actually look at the scars on my body and I read the police report and I look back at the pictures and I still feel like it's all wrong.
Anyway...he's dead. And as happy as I am about it...I'm a little mad. But mad because he never had to face what he did, ever. He was never punished. He'll never be punished. And oh how I want him punished. I wish that I could have watched him die. And I think that makes me kind of awful.

No judgement. That doesn't make you awful. At all. I had an abusive ex and have always said if I ever found out that he died (or was killed more likely) I wouldnt' care. I might even be slightly happy about it. The world is better off without people like that.

mrsswisspea wrote: »

rungirl1973 wrote: »

quiksylver296 wrote: »

ladybuggnorris wrote: »

Tubbs216 wrote: »

fellowtraveler87 wrote: »

confession:

(and this ties in to the past 2 or 3 topics in this thread somehow)

I used to be pretty judgmental of people with mental health issues. I'd dismiss it as weakness or attention seeking. Then about 2 years ago I started having panic attacks and anxiety. Fought it for a long time, tried to "fix" it on my own, nothing worked. Finally got help. Very humbling experience to say the least.

Was also drinking quite heavily during this time. Knocking on the door of full-blown alcoholism. I think the anxiety and panic attacks were correlated to the drinking but I'm not which came first. Anyway after getting help the desire to drink really dropped off. Every once in a while I want to have a casual drink like everyone else but I don't trust myself. It might be fine, or I might spiral out of control and right now I'm not willing to take that risk. Drinking heavily, at least for me, was symptomatic of deeper issues I had been harboring.

It all stems back to childhood I really believe that now. I didn't have that bad of childhood but for one aspect and it had a drastic effect on me without my realizing it until recently. I'll confess more on that later don't have the time now...

Oh, and I used to be one of those who thought about sex constantly but after seeking help they put me on an anti-depressant (one more thing I used to not "believe in" doing until it effected me). It has really helped me a lot, but one side effect is it has pretty much killed my libido. I don't necessarily mind it and in fact find it strangely liberating. I can focus my thoughts on more productive things and feel more in control of my mind and body.

Not a confession, but I highly recommend the book "Always the fat kid" - felt like I was reading my own biography and it really helped me understand myself.

I'm really impressed by your honesty. I hope you're feeling better about yourself these days. I'm with you about not really understanding much about mental illness when you've always been fine yourself. My 19 year-old daughter has recently been diagnosed with depression, and I'm still struggling with the idea that it may NOT have been caused by her low iron levels, but may actually be a serious condition.

I am so happy you got help! Through being overweight my whole life and bullied, I was still ALWAYS very mentally stable. (Arrogance runs in my family!) After I had my second child, I became a completely different person. I was angry ALL THE TIME. I treated my three year old son sooo bad. One day, when the baby was about 6 months old, I raged out on my 3yo to the point that I physically hurt him. I immediately lock myself in the bathroom and called my husband to come home from work. That very day, we went to our GP, who diagnosed me with severe post-partum depression, even though I was not sad, but angry. I took antidepressants and joined a post-partum support group and the change back to my old self was almost immediate. To this day, I still harbor so much guilt over hurting my son and I will NEVER forget the look in his eyes when it happened. It was a complete look of betrayal. I don't think he remembers it and I have never told anyone this story before. I am so glad this is a no judgement zone, because now that I have brought the memories back up, I feel about the worst human being ever.

When our third was born, I also had PPD, but we knew to watch for the signs and made sure to get on anti-depressants right away...my awesome husband also insisted that I get out at least once a week, for a couple of hours without the baby.

I had post-partum depression after my son was born. I used to fantasize, while driving down the road, about driving my car into a telephone pole. I would be holding the steering wheel in a death grip, trying not to swerve off the road. It was terrifying. I have never felt so out of control. Eighteen months of Paxil and I've never had any problems since. It was so weird. I'm glad my PPD didn't target my son, that must have been horrendous.

Yikes. Glad you got some help.

I used to fantasize about driving my car off the road into a pole on the way to a former job just so I could hopefully get some rest in the hospital (stressful and tons of hours). That was when I knew it was time to find a new job...

This reminded me of a problem I had at work a year ago (it was building up for two years). I felt very competitive feelings towards a co-worker of mine. She had leadership responsibilities, and I really respected her. She is beautiful, successful, and confident. She made some drunken threats towards me in my first few months of working there, and I kept them a secret, which didn't our personal relationship (professionally, we were great together). She apologized profusely, but I don't think I ever forgot it. There were only three other women we worked with who we around our age, and she was good friends with two of them. They would do things on the weekend together, never inviting me, but always talking about how awesome it was and it really upset me, because I was new and had no girlfriends in our town. Yes, it was as "highschool" as it sounds, and it was totally pathetic.

Anyways, I slowly noticed how I was letting her "presence" really destroy my self image. I started over-analyzing everything I said about her, I'd replay every conversation I had with her over and over and over again in my head. We lived close to each other, and whenever I passed her house, I would always look in her apartment window to see what she was doing (because it would always be "cooler" than what I was doing). I would dread running into her if I was in our town because she would always look so beautiful and put together. I couldn't make a decision for what clothes to wear, what clothes to buy, what exercises to do without comparing what she did (or worse, what I assumed she did). I'd laugh to myself if she had lipstick on her teeth, and was in general really critical of her. It got pretty intense, and my husband got worried.

This was one of the many reasons why my husband and I quit our jobs and travelled around the world. I now see that we got off to a bad start, and although she did some terrible things to me, she didn't deserve me making every thing she did have something to do with me. She was just doing the best she could, and it's a shame I got out of control.

I have never had mental health problems before, and I appear to people (even during this time) as being really outgoing, friendly and confident. I hope I have better skills now to deal with my competitive nature, and my insecurities in the future.

I'm still trying to figure out what kind of 'threats' she made to you when drunk and why was she threatening you as a co-worker? Although quitting your jobs and traveling around the world sounds pretty awesome!

tincanonastring wrote: »

Confession: I've got the month from hell coming up at work in terms of deliverables and travel and I've got a *kitten*-ton of things going on in my personal life (not bad things, just time commitments, taxes, etc.). I've already come to the realization that I have to take an MFP posting hiatus to get everything done and have decided in advance that I will not attempt to catch up on any threads except this one when I come back. No matter how many pages I miss, I'm reading it all. *kitten* those other threads, though. Every one of them.

Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it.

I call myself a vegetarian but once in a while I have a big Mac (probably 3 or 4 over 7 years of "vegetarianism").