My rock bottom... trying to get out :(

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Replies

  • Formyownsake
    Formyownsake Posts: 88 Member
    I know it sounds insane. He said if I only have water for 30 days I should be able to talk to him within a month because that should do the trick.

    Thanks palwithme.
  • BZAH10
    BZAH10 Posts: 5,597 Member
    I can't even address the "suggestions" from you husband without getting irate, so I'll skip that. I did want to tell you that the fact that you have been alcohol free and that you continue to abstain is AMAZING! THIS is the inner power and strength you need to use to keep you going. You already have it - it's there waiting for you to tap it's energy.

    I'm SO sorry for your situation. I've been in an abusive marriage that lasted way too long. You know what? I'm grateful for it every day because it shaped me into who I am today. Life challenges us and we are fully capable of succeeding. Please stay strong!
  • BZAH10
    BZAH10 Posts: 5,597 Member
    And, I just took a peek at your profile and I like your Inspirations, with one alteration:

    My Inspirations:
    My health
    Myself
    My husband
    My career
    I know you are struggling with the concept of divorce, but regardless of that, anyone who treats you the way your husband does is NOT an inspiration! Slowly, but surely, let reason take over and work on changing that mind set. (hope that doesn't sound too pushy or bossy; not my intent)
  • sofaking6
    sofaking6 Posts: 4,589 Member
    I hope one day you can come to realize that you do not deserve to be insulted, ignored, degraded or hurt, and that whoever does those things to you is just a straight up bad person who will never want to change. I hope your sadness begins to subside now that you are getting some good cries in and aren't smothering your emotions with alcohol anymore. I hope you're aware of how much strength it takes to stop using alcohol when you have so much going on. I hope you remember that a JD is a great asset and that you can find a better job and a real mentor, and you deserve both. I hope you see that on the other side of dark times can be warmth and sunshine and love.

    No point asking how you let this happen - it's just another way to blame yourself for the choices other people make. You didn't make your husband abusive; he chooses to be that way. Same for your boss. Just because it doesn't make any sense to us doesn't mean we can fix it.

    Maybe a year from now you'll be single, maybe even dating someone who has never uttered a cruel word in his life. Maybe you'll be blissfully happy working crazy hours for piddly money at a non-profit that helps victims of domestic violence, and your boss will hug you every day and tell you she couldn't do it without you. Maybe you'll be at the gym every morning powerlifting and making all the bros jealous of your form. Your future is wide open.
  • BZAH10
    BZAH10 Posts: 5,597 Member
    sofaking6 wrote: »
    I hope one day you can come to realize that you do not deserve to be insulted, ignored, degraded or hurt, and that whoever does those things to you is just a straight up bad person who will never want to change. I hope your sadness begins to subside now that you are getting some good cries in and aren't smothering your emotions with alcohol anymore. I hope you're aware of how much strength it takes to stop using alcohol when you have so much going on. I hope you remember that a JD is a great asset and that you can find a better job and a real mentor, and you deserve both. I hope you see that on the other side of dark times can be warmth and sunshine and love.

    No point asking how you let this happen - it's just another way to blame yourself for the choices other people make. You didn't make your husband abusive; he chooses to be that way. Same for your boss. Just because it doesn't make any sense to us doesn't mean we can fix it.

    Maybe a year from now you'll be single, maybe even dating someone who has never uttered a cruel word in his life. Maybe you'll be blissfully happy working crazy hours for piddly money at a non-profit that helps victims of domestic violence, and your boss will hug you every day and tell you she couldn't do it without you. Maybe you'll be at the gym every morning powerlifting and making all the bros jealous of your form. Your future is wide open.

    Yes, yes it is. This is a fantastic post. All of it. Please read and remember this, managingintake.
  • MizTerry
    MizTerry Posts: 3,764 Member
    Abusive men make me kinda twitchy.
  • So_Much_Fab
    So_Much_Fab Posts: 1,146 Member
    I just found this thread today - my heart aches for you.
    You have some evil, evil people in your life and I hope that you find the strength to separate yourself from them. You're only 31 and you have your WHOLE LIFE ahead of you. A life that can be wonderful, fulling, happy, and filled with positive people that love you and lift you up, not tear you down.
    The fact that you had the strength to become sober in the midst of all of your pain speaks volumes about you and your character. You are FAR STRONGER than even you realize!
    Please, please stay away from your abusive husband. He sounds very dangerous. I like the scenario that @sofaking6 came up with in the last paragraph of her post. That CAN be your life, but only you can take the steps to make it so.
    Add me if you would like. I hope for only the best for you.
  • MynameisJerryB
    MynameisJerryB Posts: 168 Member
    edited April 2015
    First off, Congratulations for taking control of your life, second, never ever go back to that pitiful excuse of a husband. You don't need that kind of abuse in your life. Friend request sent.
  • cat_lady77
    cat_lady77 Posts: 203 Member
    This might get buried in other comments, but PLEASE do what's best for YOU! Don't let that horrible excuse of a man tell you anything negative about yourself. The person you love should never do that to you. You deserve 100000000x better.
    Also, I'm a fellow tall lady, between 150-190 is not a terrible weight. I weight about 200 & I have come to terms that that is normal for me because I'm tall (despite what stupid BMI says). I hope you are able to focus on your emotional health first & then when you're ready get back into physical health. Or both at the same time :) I requested you as a friend & I won't delete you for not logging in! Hang in there :)
  • I hope you never go back to your husband. That is all I can say right now... my heart breaks for you and what he has put you through.
  • snowflake930
    snowflake930 Posts: 2,193 Member
    I have not read any responses, but, for what my opinion is worth, you need to leave your husband. No one deserves to be abused. You are an intelligent young woman with your whole life ahead of you. Do not let him treat you so horribly. Lose the weight or not, but do keep going to AA. Do this for your self, because you are worth it. No man is worth bothering with that will treat his wife this way. Get out of that relationship.............please!
  • MynameisJerryB
    MynameisJerryB Posts: 168 Member
    I know it sounds insane. He said if I only have water for 30 days I should be able to talk to him within a month because that should do the trick.

    Thanks palwithme.

    That's the worst thing I've ever read. Please don't walk, run away from this guy.

  • 1mumrevolution
    1mumrevolution Posts: 269 Member
    Just wishing you strength and courage. Winston Churchill said during WWII "if you are in hell, just keep going.... "So keep going. Just keep going forward and never look back at that awful man.
  • dawnmcneil10
    dawnmcneil10 Posts: 638 Member
    I believe one of the parts of AA is to avoid new relationships for 1 year. There is a reason for that, and I'll just bet sticking with the program will help you along in many more ways than helping with controlling the addiction to alcohol.

    Seeing a counselor is fantastic and I really think you should reach out to an old friend. Maybe someone you were close with before the husband, before college just reconnect, remember who you were before you had life responsibilities.

    You truly are stronger than you believe, you may just not be able to see that yet but give it some time and you'll see YOU again in the mirror no matter what you're weight.
  • Arliah
    Arliah Posts: 265 Member

    I am too scared to get a divorce. That means half of my life is gone, just like that. It's so hard to explain, but I am more scared of getting a divorce than of death itself.
    That's what I thought, too ... and then I went through a divorce (it wasn't my choice, which was even harder), and I almost died from it because I started cutting myself and really thought I would never get out of the hole I was in. But I survived ... and so will you! Please, please don't think that your entire life is based on the marriage. It is not. Your marriage, your husband, is NOT what defines you! Please don't ever think that. I know it's hard to find the strength to go through, and it is scary as hell, but your parents are there to help you. Mine were 4000 miles away when I went through the divorce, but if I can do it, so can you! What your husband is doing to you is horrible :( I wish I could do more to help you, but all I can do is tell you that you will be okay, and flourish, after you take the step of taking back your life. All the best, sweetie, you'll be in my thoughts! Xo

  • 999tigger
    999tigger Posts: 5,236 Member
    Thanks for answering. Will your parents support you and do they have any idea just what is going on?

    What country are you in? Is there a refuge you can talk to?

    What do you think is keeping you with him and why wont you leave? I say that without and judgement. I'm interested if you understand why you wont leave. I'd think everyone here would say the future with this abusive man is more misery as he will never change and he could become worse. He is toxic for you.

    One of the important things when ive assisted friends to leave is that they all agree that even if they are miserable, dont have much money, it was their own misery and not being dictated by someone else. They had hope.

    As a lawyer you should analyse your situation objectively and realise he is bad news and you deserve better for yourself. You are still doing a great job with AA and getting help, but he is the real problem. He sounds like he has many bad traits, selfish, cruel, bully, ignorance you can do better.

    Keep going anyway. I think the diet is irrelevant and importnatly its giving you a time out for dealing with a more importnat issue.
  • kamakazeekim
    kamakazeekim Posts: 1,183 Member
    Oh honey! *Hugs* You are in such a tough and dangerous spot right now....your number one priority at this point must be keeping yourself safe! As long as you stay in an abusive relationship your mental health will suffer which will increase your anxiety, depression and drinking. You also risk him inflicting serious physical and mental injury...I know you have a lot of time and energy invested in this relationship but it is time for you to re-evaluate what is going on and do what is best for you...you are a smart and strong woman and you are capable of surviving without him even if (when) he says otherwise. Call or visit a local domestic violence center/shelter...they provide excellent advocates who can support you and walk you through safety planning.

    Take your medication exactly as prescribed...it will take 6 to 8 weeks to really start working and even then it may take some time to tailor the dose to your personal needs. Find a therapist that you really connect with and feel comfortable talking about anything and everything with. Make sure they are board certified. Talk with your medical provider about everything...the drinking, the depression, the abuse...they need to know that information so that they can help you to the best of their abilities.

    Your weight is not an issue at this point even if it is the easy thing to focus on and blame. At nearly 6 feet tall 188 pounds is not bad...your BMI is only about 26 which is only slightly overweight.

    Talk with your HR...you cannot be fired for a medical condition...work usually has to offer counseling for conditions such as alcoholism.

    Feel free to add me if you like.
  • DirrtyH
    DirrtyH Posts: 663 Member
    I took a quick peek at your profile and saw that you and I are about the same age.

    While our situations are not at all the same, I wonder if some of your fears are similar to what I've experienced. This idea that at my age, I should be at some certain place in my life.

    I got fired from my job two years ago. It was really traumatic for me. I'd been there for seven years. I worked my way up from entry level admin stuff to management. I was making good money, I bought a house, I bought a dog. And then the rug got swept out from under me.

    I could not find another job that paid anywhere near that. I had to start over completely, at an entry level job. I ultimately couldn't afford to keep my house, I had to sell it. I had to find my dog a new home and move into a cheap basement apartment.

    What I can tell you is this: huge changes in life are scary. But YOU WILL BE OKAY. You don't have to stay with an abusive husband because you don't know what else to do. You don't have to stay in a job you hate because you don't know what else to do. Will it be hard? Yes. It's hard. It's scary. There are times when you don't know how it's going to work. But IT WILL.

    It was really hard for me to accept failure. That at my age, I was starting over with basically nothing to show for it. I had invested all this time in a job and building this life and then it was gone and I was back at square one. No husband, no kids, no career, nothing.

    It strikes me that this may be your fear. You've invested your whole life in this man. Who are you going to be without him?

    The answer is that no one knows. And that's scary. But I promise you can do it. It sounds like you have a great support system. People who will help you. I had family who supported me through my hard times. I am so much happier now. That job I was in was toxic. This low paying receptionist job I have now? I love it. Sometimes I feel dumb when people ask me how old I am. They assume I'm 23 and I'd rather let them believe that. I'm embarrassed still about what I haven't accomplished. But I know in my head that it's dumb. I have no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed. And neither do you.

    And BELIEVE me I know depression. I have the emotional and physical scars to prove it. You HAVE to take your medication. You just do. You already know that. But there's no substitute for it. Take it. Every day.
  • twrobbel
    twrobbel Posts: 132 Member
    Oh honey- you have 2 abusers, your husband and your boss. Of course you would be depressed and have no self confidence- who wouldn't? You are more normal than your realize- and there are thousands of people in similar situations who have overcome their hells. It may not feel possible at the moment, but it happens every day. Moving into your parents house is a great first step as well as AA, but the abuse from your job is really going to hinder you from moving forward and dealing with your relationship issues (and vise-versa).

    There has been some terrific advice posted, and I am glad that the support you are receiving here is helping you see that there are other possibilities. Often, we don't realize how bad things are while we are in a situation until we are out of it for awhile- then we look back wondering why we put up with it so long.

    You need to focus on your health and happiness. How wonderful would it be to do a job you love? To have a boss who supports you and appreciates you? How awesome would it be to come home and feel relaxed and not living with tension- the fear of someone going off on you? How fantastic would it be to love yourself and be happy with you?

    Surround yourself with caring people- people that demonstrate through words and action---the ones who hold up a mirror to you so you can see all the wonderful qualities you have, the things they see but you can't at this time. Right now- develop a strong and supportive system for yourself (doctors, counselors, family, friends, colleagues etc...). Having that support will make it much easier for you to make the changes in your life that will make you happier. You CAN do it!

    Best of luck to you.
  • ames105
    ames105 Posts: 288 Member
    edited April 2015
    I'm sorry for everything you are going through. I can see how its is overwhelming. And its a snowball effect, you don't feel good about yourself so you eat or drink more and then you feel worse. Not to mention, having a spouse who is not supportive and, even worse, causing you pain, makes everything worse.

    I was struck by one thing in your post - you sought out help but are not taking it. If the doctor prescribed some medication, take it. If the doctor gave you tools to help you thru the alcohol dependency, use them. You may not have created your situation but you are the only one that can get yourself out of it.

    Start small, just take that pill every day, no excuses. And in a few days, add something else - go for a ten minute walk, increase it to twelve minutes the week after. A few days after that, try to have one less drink and then cut back another one. Eat a salad for one meal instead of junk food, or try cutting out late night snacking. Sooner or later, you will start to feel better and you will start the snowball effect for the positive.

    You can do this, I know you can. Don't worry about your husband, don't stress about your boss, just focus on you. On my worst days, I think of a line from a cartoon....'put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be walking out the door'. Just take a small step. Good luck!!