Confession Time! ((ABSOLUTELY NO JUDGEMENT))
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Susieq_1994 wrote: »pofoster21 wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »pofoster21 wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »Edit: This is to Susie:
Oh, I'm so sorry you're feeling bad. There's no rhyme or reason to depression, so try not feel like you're wrong to feel the way you do. I think guilt is a very common issue.
I'm very worried about your talk of dying though. Do you have a doctor who's helping you? Is your husband around?
Not to worry, I've never been suicidal.
I just want to... Stop existing, if that makes sense. It's almost midnight here and my husband is asleep, but he's around to wake up if I need him.
Nope, I don't have a doctor. I mentioned it like five million posts back, but I'm terrified of doctors. I tried to get help once and I just couldn't make it through the sessions. I broke down after my second one and never went back. I also never spoke to the doctor directly (my husband had to speak for me), because I have selective mutism and couldn't speak. It was a pretty useless attempt, to be honest. :-/
Have you tried videoconferencing with any doctors? There is a woman at the barn that is a psychiatrist. She has some patients she video conferences with. Perhaps that would work for you? By not being in person maybe that would help with the fear of speaking? And allow you to be more open?
Nope, it wouldn't help. I've tried it with my husband, and it doesn't make it any easier whether it's on a video conference or face to face. Plus, I'm pretty sure the doctors here don't offer the option, so the point is pretty moot anyway. :-/
You have to have a doctor there? Can't go outside of the country? I would think a good psychiatrist would understand there are options here like maybe you write letters back and forth or something.
Not even within the country. My insurance only covers care within the healthcare clinics available inside my husband's work campus. And psychiatrists aren't exactly affordable without any form of insurance to cover their fee. :-/
I'm not comfortable going back to the only available psychiatrist available there (who didn't work out the first time) with my tail between my legs and admitting that I cancelled the third session and the counseling appointment that was supposed to follow it, and didn't even attempt to try the medication he tossed at me without even bothering to let me try to speak.
Susieq_1994, I don't blame you for not wanting to try medication that was 'tossed at you' (I know what you meant) without the doctor even bothering to let you try to speak... so-called doctors like that are a bane to their profession (not to mention, any patients), in my opinion...
I understand how and why various specific disorders would seemingly 'require' a form of detachment, when it comes to clinical therapeutic 'guidance' of such... however, when it comes to severe depression and anxiety (both of which I contended with for the majority of my life), clinical detachment and simply 'throwing some pills' at someone -- and sans any actual 'talk therapy' (let alone, bothering to even listen to an extent that would at least allow the patient to learn what talking with a given therapist would even 'feel' like (let alone, allowing a patient to get even an inkling of a specific clinician's interactive 'style', and get at least an initial impression as to whether it might help or hinder)) -- subjecting a patient to detachment and indifference, let alone 'out of the gate', is a surefire way to make patients experiencing severe depression (not to mention, if/when anxiety is thrown into the mix (let alone, highly impacted self-esteem (not to mention, tenuous trust))) -- yes, 'treating' a patient with severe depression and anxiety, and who comes into the office while in an acute state, to a negative clinical experience, is something I'll never understand about 'the profession', and especially when it comes to psychiatrists...
Susieq_1994, I realize that your options for talk therapy are limited... but if there is any way whatsoever for you to talk with a psychologist (versus a psychiatrist (if pills end up being recommended, a psychologist can always request such in conjunction with a psychiatrist, who can write the prescription, but who does not need to be involved with the 'talk therapy' aspect)) -- and specifically, to talk with a *female* psychologist -- and ideally, one who is capable of emanating calm, is compassionate, and has a caring clinical 'style' -- if there is any way whatsoever for you to talk with such a clinician, (and potentially one who is experienced in trauma counseling), I cannot help thinking that that 'type' of professional would perhaps be an ideal 'match' for you, and assisting you, and providing what would be needed...
In the meantime, it would likely be helpful to (1) continue interacting with a caring community (such as the many caring folks communicating via this thread), (2) possibly read some posts by others who have contended with severe depression and/or anxiety (and via various support forums/groups that are found online), (3) 'feed' your soul with a form of 'soothing' whose capacity to 'deliver calm' only you would know the 'identity' and 'nature' of, or would otherwise 'know it when you felt it' -- for me, I found that reading, and involving a few specific 'kinds' of written pieces, helped me to 'hold on to something' (even fleetingly), when the intense emotional, anxiety-riddled 'spikes' ('abysses', really) associated with severe depression began to overwhelm me... and among the 'writings' that I read, were a few specific memoirs, some so-called 'classic' literature (and those written by a few specific authors), and (this might sound unexpected) some elegiac tributes written by those who had experienced loss (the sadness found in such writing resulted in my not feeling so alone... additionally, after a specific point in time, and my having experienced the deaths of two of the most important people in my life, I could relate to the profound sense of wrestling with grief)... additionally, when I was 'able', I ended up forcing myself to go to public venues in which I would be surrounded by people (such as a mall) -- and even if I didn't know anyone in my midst (and no matter how bad the overhead music was), and even if I talked with no one, it ultimately resulted in my no longer being in the environment which had been my 'reclusive retreat', and represented an important 'exposure' of my mind to a different form of 'space', and 'association'... I also sat in front of a beach at times, and listened to the waves, and to the sounds of human voices, and sounds of children laughing... it became a different 'soundtrack' to my experience of trying to 'get through a difficult timeframe', and became part of my limited 'arsenal' of 'things to try' when experiencing 'episodes' in which my severe depression had become more intense (I was 'highly functioning', and most would never have guessed what I contended with for so much of my life... and the compassion of two specific psychologists -- and their caring demeanor, and willingness to 'be there' when I needed emergency assistance -- was critical to my ultimately 'making it through' a kind of 'minefield' of post-traumatic hell)...
I'll send you a message later this evening, with the names of some poets, writers, and specific written works which made a difference for me...
In the meantime, I feel compelled to touch on a specific reality...
...there is a tendency for some(/many) to "compare" aspects of their life to those of others (and especially to those perceived as being less fortunate, or otherwise seemingly 'having it worse')... or to "focus" self-analytic attention on the seeming 'incongruity' of their current 'internal life' with any of various external realities or material blessings... or to in any way 'remind' themselves of how much worse things could be (as though being on the 'better' side of an associated greater-than/less-than symbol, in conjunction with emotional pain, somehow makes for a negative becoming a positive, or otherwise could in any way render a negative circumstance 'better', by virtue of relativity)... and they(/we) errantly think that any of this type of comparative 'logic' would or 'should' somehow make a difference, and result in feeling gratitude, or *anything* positive (to 'replace' or 'override' the state of depression, in conjunction with an attempt for a guilt-like 'trigger' to magically alter/shift perspective, and suddenly 'make it go away', or otherwise render it a far less difficult negative than what it is)...
...but it's dangerous to engage in that form of thinking... because it's punitive -- it's a form of extending a kind of 'punishment' (let alone, one that is entirely undeserved) to/at/toward/'against' oneself... it equates to denying or otherwise not 'allowing' a critical reality -- that the way one feels is valid, and is understandable... it deprives us of acknowledging our reality for what it is... it tries to help us 'avert our eyes' from what we would seem to be too afraid to 'see', or to 'allow' ourselves to admit... or which we somehow think we should have the capacity to suddenly 'shake off'... when the fact of the matter is, that we need to extend to ourselves the very compassion, empathy, understanding, kindness, patience, and love that we would extend to another, were they to be 'in our shoes', and experiencing all that we have experienced... acknowledging our pain -- and allowing ourselves to accept its validity -- is a kind of pivotal first 'step'...
Susieq_1994, please stop feeling guilty, and feeling as though you should somehow feel 'better' because of any of various external aspects of life -- how you feel inside is real... and is valid... and is not something to feel guilty about... it is something to feel compassion for... and extend understanding to... and acknowledge with gentle kindness, and empathy...
...and give yourself credit for something indescribably important and incredibly powerful -- recognize the remarkable nature of your tenacity -- and the fact that you have not given up, and will not give up (I realize that if we possessed a kind of painless and convenient 'off switch', it is completely normal to want to 'power oneself off', so as not to experience the emotional pain of severe depression, and the intense difficulties of anxiety and other potential complicating factors -- and that it's not the same as being suicidal)... I realize that reaching out to others is a form of trying to help ourselves -- and it can make such a difference, even if 'only' in the sense that it can help us to 'buy time', to make it through a spike in emotional difficulty (though ideally, it can also involve an element of not feeling alone inside)...
Traumatic realities from childhood can affect us deeply, and profoundly (and perhaps more so for those who are deeply sensitive and/or highly perceptive)... and an aspect of any severe depression which emanates from such can involve intermingled elements of grief, and subconscious wrangling with senses of loss that would seem to go beyond the ability of language to adequately describe... whatever the case may be, and despite the fact that my younger self (from even 10 years ago) would never have been able to fathom that I would be where I am today, when it comes to 'this', I feel compelled to convey to you, Susieq_1994, that there is hope... and that the seemingly unthinkable -- and in a positive sense -- is actually possible...
I fervently hope that you are able to work with a caring female professional whose insights, compassion, and understanding will aid you more than you can currently imagine...
...and I am giving you a gentle, caring hug from afar... and with the tears that are currently welled in my eyes conveying a form of empathy that goes very, very deep...0 -
Italian_Buju wrote: »pofoster21 wrote: »bainsworth1a wrote: »IAmTheGlue wrote: »kellienw335 wrote: »Finally caught up! My confession is I've been drinking too much...every single day for quite awhile. I am making a commitment to not drink Monday through Thursday this week. Please think good thoughts for me!
ETA: A little embarrassed to admit this quasi publicly, but hoping admitting it on here will make me face reality. Since I know there are several of you that have admitted to stopping for good.
You are so not judged. I'm thinking about (not yet committed to ) a dry June. Yes, it is a big enough of a deal to not drink for an entire month for me but June is my worst month. My dad died 3 years ago on his and my mother's 43rd wedding anniversary, right after Father's Day. I tend to drink and cry from one to the other. I try to keep that as discrete as possible (the drinking, not the crying ) so I'm not a super horrible example to my kids but seriously, it is excessive and it needs to stop.
You are not alone. Many people struggle with cutting back on drinking.
I am sorry for your loss. My father died right after 4th of july 1990 and I still morn him. He was a shot and a beer guy and drank every night before he went to bed. I toast him with a shot and a beer on 4th of july and on his birthday in October. It makes me feel better to keep this ritual in his memory.
My dad died 26 years ago this June, 3 days before my parents wedding annivesary and again, right after Father's Day. Still miss him every day.
Funny how it never seems any easier.....my father died on Dec 3rd, 1991, I still cry every single time that anniversary passes. He died very suddenly, and inadvertently left me alone with my crazy mother, so it was really difficult. He was the person I loved most in the world, and I still miss him every day. My son is named after him, and it makes me tear up when I think about how my son never got to meet him. My sister said she cried a lot when he died too, not only because he was a great stepdad to her, but because she felt bad for the way he was treated by our mother and when he died she felt bad that he wasted so many years of his life being treated like that.
I'm very sorry for your loss, too. 0 -
Tonight's random workout thoughts:
Whoever came up with the idea of working to failure is a sadist
Whoever thought there would ever be a practical use for suspending yourself with your arms perpendicular is also a sadist
When Damage Inc pops up in shuffle and I do an extra set of bicep curls, it's probably the closest me and my ovaries will ever get to understanding the male mid-life crisis.
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I have three really great men in my life. My boyfriend and my two dogs. I love them all, and they love me. But I do confess that I have a favorite. It's my Rat Terrier. He is my world. My boyfriend is aware of this, and loves me anyway, which makes me love him all the more. Still not as my as my Roo though.0
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Tonight's random workout thoughts:
Whoever came up with the idea of working to failure is a sadist
Whoever thought there would ever be a practical use for suspending yourself with your arms perpendicular is also a sadist
When Damage Inc pops up in shuffle and I do an extra set of bicep curls, it's probably the closest me and my ovaries will ever get to understanding the male mid-life crisis.
Ythannah's perpetual workout thoughts:
Is the damned bar in the right place? Engage core -- back straight -- head UP -- you just forgot about your core, ENGAGE -- down and... OH FUKK THAT WASN'T LOW ENOUGH -- drive up with heels -- too much quad action -- okay, that's ONE.
Igetayummyproteindrinkattheendofthis.
Repeat.0 -
I feel bad when I do no decent exercise or when I go over my recommended caloric intake. I keep a strong 100-calorie under my recommended intake rule, and it isn't nice when I break it. I feel better when I finish the day under the recommended amount.
I also overestimate my burned calories for exercise. A lot.0 -
I made brown sugar chicken, and I had to fill the pan with soapy water because I kept going back for more crunchy garlic sugar pieces. Terrible.0
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IAmTheGlue wrote: »lilaclovebird wrote: »IAmTheGlue wrote: »quiksylver296 wrote: »
I second that statement. Can we clone him?
Knock yourself out. Let me know how that works out for you. He's not without flaws though. His flatulence can clear full rooms and he tends to be a workaholic. He is a perfectionist so when he sets a goal, he'll do whatever it takes to reach it. That's both a gift and curse.
God definitely knew what He was doing when He molded that guy. I'm just incredibly humbled He chose me for him. *I'm not crying.
To all you singles out there, DO NOT SETTLE! You deserve someone that thinks the world of you and will do whatever it takes to make you feel like the most important person in their life. If they don't, move on. Luckily, God practically dropped my honey in lap. He knew I was lazy.
^ This! I have the same kind of husband. He's my second husband and if I knew what marriage or a relationship *could* feel like, I wouldn't have spent so long with the abusive a$$hat I married first.
I am grateful everyday for my husband. That would be my 2nd best relationship advice: Don't settle. Don't settle. Don't settle.
Working on it. I am a happily divorced 26 year old.
May I ask what the 1st best relationship advice you have is?
My very best relationship advice is: be yourself. 100% exactly who you are from the get go. No best manners. No holding back. Just be 100% the real you, flaws and all. If you leave your cups on the coffee table all week and carry 7 coffee cups to the dishwasher on Saturday , do it from the very beginning. Whatever your worst is... they deserve to know the truth.
I was divorced and happily single for well over a year before I met my husband. I was a single mom of 3 little kids (6, 4 & 2 years old). I wasn't dating anyone and definitely wasn't looking. My washer and fridge died in under a week. We had a new maintenance man at work. I asked him to come look at them and he did. I literally needed those things fixed. I wasn't just trying to pick him up
Anyway, he asked if he could take me to eat after he looked at them and I was all "I don't need a man. I'm not looking for a relationship. But, I will tell you what... you be you...exactly who you are. I'll be me. Exactly who I am. No best behavior or pretending to be someone your aren't. If we click, great. If not, we are no worse off than we are right now. No pretending."
He agreed. I have been exactly me ever since. I was just trying to avoid heartache later when we realized that it actually wouldnt work but had put all this time in getting to know each other. We are very good together and I chalk it up to blatant honesty in who we are.
So, that is my best advice... be yourself. Don't settle.
I was going to suggest the same thing. My man knew who he was getting from the jump. I NEVER pretend to be something I'm not. There is no "best behavior" for me, there's just my behavior. Take it or leave it.
I'm glad you agree! I like you!
My husband was a bit of the opposite. I became quite uptight while being with my ex. I had to put on a happy face when we went out. He had high expectations and standards. He once told me that he expected to remain in my work /dress clothes after coming home and would me expect me to wear them while making dinner. I had to listen to his music (he would go as far as change the radio station in my car without asking... I would turn it back and he would get mad).
My husband broke open my shell and allowed me to be goofy and allowed me to be silly without being embarrassed. It was so empowering
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My confession is today that I hopped on the scale this morning (I don't usually weigh every morning but I was standing next to it and was curious) and my weight had gone down 1.2kg. I know it is probably water since I just got off TOM (or else an epic whoosh), but the confession is I had to restrain myself from running straight to MFP to log it because it's the lowest I've been in a year.0
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IAmTheGlue wrote: »lilaclovebird wrote: »IAmTheGlue wrote: »quiksylver296 wrote: »
I second that statement. Can we clone him?
Knock yourself out. Let me know how that works out for you. He's not without flaws though. His flatulence can clear full rooms and he tends to be a workaholic. He is a perfectionist so when he sets a goal, he'll do whatever it takes to reach it. That's both a gift and curse.
God definitely knew what He was doing when He molded that guy. I'm just incredibly humbled He chose me for him. *I'm not crying.
To all you singles out there, DO NOT SETTLE! You deserve someone that thinks the world of you and will do whatever it takes to make you feel like the most important person in their life. If they don't, move on. Luckily, God practically dropped my honey in lap. He knew I was lazy.
^ This! I have the same kind of husband. He's my second husband and if I knew what marriage or a relationship *could* feel like, I wouldn't have spent so long with the abusive a$$hat I married first.
I am grateful everyday for my husband. That would be my 2nd best relationship advice: Don't settle. Don't settle. Don't settle.
Working on it. I am a happily divorced 26 year old.
May I ask what the 1st best relationship advice you have is?
My very best relationship advice is: be yourself. 100% exactly who you are from the get go. No best manners. No holding back. Just be 100% the real you, flaws and all. If you leave your cups on the coffee table all week and carry 7 coffee cups to the dishwasher on Saturday , do it from the very beginning. Whatever your worst is... they deserve to know the truth.
I was divorced and happily single for well over a year before I met my husband. I was a single mom of 3 little kids (6, 4 & 2 years old). I wasn't dating anyone and definitely wasn't looking. My washer and fridge died in under a week. We had a new maintenance man at work. I asked him to come look at them and he did. I literally needed those things fixed. I wasn't just trying to pick him up
Anyway, he asked if he could take me to eat after he looked at them and I was all "I don't need a man. I'm not looking for a relationship. But, I will tell you what... you be you...exactly who you are. I'll be me. Exactly who I am. No best behavior or pretending to be someone your aren't. If we click, great. If not, we are no worse off than we are right now. No pretending."
He agreed. I have been exactly me ever since. I was just trying to avoid heartache later when we realized that it actually wouldnt work but had put all this time in getting to know each other. We are very good together and I chalk it up to blatant honesty in who we are.
So, that is my best advice... be yourself. Don't settle.
This is good advice! Within weeks of meeting my SO we were lying on the sofa and as I got up I accidentally farted in his face. That has been his get out clause for all the disgusting smells he has produced in the last 7 years. We still love each other though. Farts and all.
When my husband and I started dating he was living in his mom's basement (he had moved back in to help after his father passed). I had stayed the night and in the morning he went upstairs to the bathroom and just let one rip. The sound travels down through the duct work. I could hear his mom ask him "don't you think she heard that?!". He came down and I was laughing so hard. He sad he kept I in all night. After that we agreed to just let nature do its thing.0 -
qn4bx9pzg8aifd wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »pofoster21 wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »pofoster21 wrote: »Susieq_1994 wrote: »Edit: This is to Susie:
Oh, I'm so sorry you're feeling bad. There's no rhyme or reason to depression, so try not feel like you're wrong to feel the way you do. I think guilt is a very common issue.
I'm very worried about your talk of dying though. Do you have a doctor who's helping you? Is your husband around?
Not to worry, I've never been suicidal. I just want to... Stop existing, if that makes sense. It's almost midnight here and my husband is asleep, but he's around to wake up if I need him.
Nope, I don't have a doctor. I mentioned it like five million posts back, but I'm terrified of doctors. I tried to get help once and I just couldn't make it through the sessions. I broke down after my second one and never went back. I also never spoke to the doctor directly (my husband had to speak for me), because I have selective mutism and couldn't speak. It was a pretty useless attempt, to be honest. :-/
Have you tried videoconferencing with any doctors? There is a woman at the barn that is a psychiatrist. She has some patients she video conferences with. Perhaps that would work for you? By not being in person maybe that would help with the fear of speaking? And allow you to be more open?
Nope, it wouldn't help. I've tried it with my husband, and it doesn't make it any easier whether it's on a video conference or face to face. Plus, I'm pretty sure the doctors here don't offer the option, so the point is pretty moot anyway. :-/
You have to have a doctor there? Can't go outside of the country? I would think a good psychiatrist would understand there are options here like maybe you write letters back and forth or something.
Not even within the country. My insurance only covers care within the healthcare clinics available inside my husband's work campus. And psychiatrists aren't exactly affordable without any form of insurance to cover their fee. :-/
I'm not comfortable going back to the only available psychiatrist available there (who didn't work out the first time) with my tail between my legs and admitting that I cancelled the third session and the counseling appointment that was supposed to follow it, and didn't even attempt to try the medication he tossed at me without even bothering to let me try to speak.
Susieq_1994, I don't blame you for not wanting to try medication that was 'tossed at you' (I know what you meant) without the doctor even bothering to let you try to speak... so-called doctors like that are a bane to their profession (not to mention, any patients), in my opinion...
I understand how and why various specific disorders would seemingly 'require' a form of detachment, when it comes to clinical therapeutic 'guidance' of such... however, when it comes to severe depression and anxiety (both of which I contended with for the majority of my life), clinical detachment and simply 'throwing some pills' at someone -- and sans any actual 'talk therapy' (let alone, bothering to even listen to an extent that would at least allow the patient to learn what talking with a given therapist would even 'feel' like (let alone, allowing a patient to get even an inkling of a specific clinician's interactive 'style', and get at least an initial impression as to whether it might help or hinder)) -- subjecting a patient to detachment and indifference, let alone 'out of the gate', is a surefire way to make patients experiencing severe depression (not to mention, if/when anxiety is thrown into the mix (let alone, highly impacted self-esteem (not to mention, tenuous trust))) -- yes, 'treating' a patient with severe depression and anxiety, and who comes into the office while in an acute state, to a negative clinical experience, is something I'll never understand about 'the profession', and especially when it comes to psychiatrists...
Susieq_1994, I realize that your options for talk therapy are limited... but if there is any way whatsoever for you to talk with a psychologist (versus a psychiatrist (if pills end up being recommended, a psychologist can always request such in conjunction with a psychiatrist, who can write the prescription, but who does not need to be involved with the 'talk therapy' aspect)) -- and specifically, to talk with a *female* psychologist -- and ideally, one who is capable of emanating calm, is compassionate, and has a caring clinical 'style' -- if there is any way whatsoever for you to talk with such a clinician, (and potentially one who is experienced in trauma counseling), I cannot help thinking that that 'type' of professional would perhaps be an ideal 'match' for you, and assisting you, and providing what would be needed...
In the meantime, it would likely be helpful to (1) continue interacting with a caring community (such as the many caring folks communicating via this thread), (2) possibly read some posts by others who have contended with severe depression and/or anxiety (and via various support forums/groups that are found online), (3) 'feed' your soul with a form of 'soothing' whose capacity to 'deliver calm' only you would know the 'identity' and 'nature' of, or would otherwise 'know it when you felt it' -- for me, I found that reading, and involving a few specific 'kinds' of written pieces, helped me to 'hold on to something' (even fleetingly), when the intense emotional, anxiety-riddled 'spikes' ('abysses', really) associated with severe depression began to overwhelm me... and among the 'writings' that I read, were a few specific memoirs, some so-called 'classic' literature (and those written by a few specific authors), and (this might sound unexpected) some elegiac tributes written by those who had experienced loss (the sadness found in such writing resulted in my not feeling so alone... additionally, after a specific point in time, and my having experienced the deaths of two of the most important people in my life, I could relate to the profound sense of wrestling with grief)... additionally, when I was 'able', I ended up forcing myself to go to public venues in which I would be surrounded by people (such as a mall) -- and even if I didn't know anyone in my midst (and no matter how bad the overhead music was), and even if I talked with no one, it ultimately resulted in my no longer being in the environment which had been my 'reclusive retreat', and represented an important 'exposure' of my mind to a different form of 'space', and 'association'... I also sat in front of a beach at times, and listened to the waves, and to the sounds of human voices, and sounds of children laughing... it became a different 'soundtrack' to my experience of trying to 'get through a difficult timeframe', and became part of my limited 'arsenal' of 'things to try' when experiencing 'episodes' in which my severe depression had become more intense (I was 'highly functioning', and most would never have guessed what I contended with for so much of my life... and the compassion of two specific psychologists -- and their caring demeanor, and willingness to 'be there' when I needed emergency assistance -- was critical to my ultimately 'making it through' a kind of 'minefield' of post-traumatic hell)...
I'll send you a message later this evening, with the names of some poets, writers, and specific written works which made a difference for me...
In the meantime, I feel compelled to touch on a specific reality...
...there is a tendency for some(/many) to "compare" aspects of their life to those of others (and especially to those perceived as being less fortunate, or otherwise seemingly 'having it worse')... or to "focus" self-analytic attention on the seeming 'incongruity' of their current 'internal life' with any of various external realities or material blessings... or to in any way 'remind' themselves of how much worse things could be (as though being on the 'better' side of an associated greater-than/less-than symbol, in conjunction with emotional pain, somehow makes for a negative becoming a positive, or otherwise could in any way render a negative circumstance 'better', by virtue of relativity)... and they(/we) errantly think that any of this type of comparative 'logic' would or 'should' somehow make a difference, and result in feeling gratitude, or *anything* positive (to 'replace' or 'override' the state of depression, in conjunction with an attempt for a guilt-like 'trigger' to magically alter/shift perspective, and suddenly 'make it go away', or otherwise render it a far less difficult negative than what it is)...
...but it's dangerous to engage in that form of thinking... because it's punitive -- it's a form of extending a kind of 'punishment' (let alone, one that is entirely undeserved) to/at/toward/'against' oneself... it equates to denying or otherwise not 'allowing' a critical reality -- that the way one feels is valid, and is understandable... it deprives us of acknowledging our reality for what it is... it tries to help us 'avert our eyes' from what we would seem to be too afraid to 'see', or to 'allow' ourselves to admit... or which we somehow think we should have the capacity to suddenly 'shake off'... when the fact of the matter is, that we need to extend to ourselves the very compassion, empathy, understanding, kindness, patience, and love that we would extend to another, were they to be 'in our shoes', and experiencing all that we have experienced... acknowledging our pain -- and allowing ourselves to accept its validity -- is a kind of pivotal first 'step'...
Susieq_1994, please stop feeling guilty, and feeling as though you should somehow feel 'better' because of any of various external aspects of life -- how you feel inside is real... and is valid... and is not something to feel guilty about... it is something to feel compassion for... and extend understanding to... and acknowledge with gentle kindness, and empathy...
...and give yourself credit for something indescribably important and incredibly powerful -- recognize the remarkable nature of your tenacity -- and the fact that you have not given up, and will not give up (I realize that if we possessed a kind of painless and convenient 'off switch', it is completely normal to want to 'power oneself off', so as not to experience the emotional pain of severe depression, and the intense difficulties of anxiety and other potential complicating factors -- and that it's not the same as being suicidal)... I realize that reaching out to others is a form of trying to help ourselves -- and it can make such a difference, even if 'only' in the sense that it can help us to 'buy time', to make it through a spike in emotional difficulty (though ideally, it can also involve an element of not feeling alone inside)...
Traumatic realities from childhood can affect us deeply, and profoundly (and perhaps more so for those who are deeply sensitive and/or highly perceptive)... and an aspect of any severe depression which emanates from such can involve intermingled elements of grief, and subconscious wrangling with senses of loss that would seem to go beyond the ability of language to adequately describe... whatever the case may be, and despite the fact that my younger self (from even 10 years ago) would never have been able to fathom that I would be where I am today, when it comes to 'this', I feel compelled to convey to you, Susieq_1994, that there is hope... and that the seemingly unthinkable -- and in a positive sense -- is actually possible...
I fervently hope that you are able to work with a caring female professional whose insights, compassion, and understanding will aid you more than you can currently imagine...
...and I am giving you a gentle, caring hug from afar... and with the tears that are currently welled in my eyes conveying a form of empathy that goes very, very deep...
Such a thoughtful post
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arditarose wrote: »sigh...When I found that I couldn't eat peanut butter in moderation, and had to get it out of my apartment ASAP, I not only threw it away-I drowned the jar in water first so I wouldn't be tempted...
I can't believe I shared that.
I'm right there with you!! I'm legitimately addicted. My family has to hide the pb from me or I'll eat the whole jar until I'm sick and actually hurling (>_<)0 -
I'm going on a road trip. It is about 3,000 miles in four days of driving with a day of rest in the middle. I'll be in four or five (depending upon route, maybe six, but probably no more than five) states. It is me, a child, two dogs. Taking one kid to grandma/pa and picking up the other. Please wish me safe travels... that's a lot of driving.0
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Anyone remember this confession?lilaclovebird wrote: »No real time to catch up. I have a few confessions then I have to get to making my rounds.
#2- I totally have the hots for my co-worker/supervisor and I struggle with the moral dilemma of holding to my own personal code of ethics and keeping my feelings(lust) to myself.
Yeah...I'm totally dating my coworker/supervisor now....
We are doing well at keeping work and our outside social activities separate.
Judge me if you must, but it is not against policy and things are going great so far. Taking it day by day.
That being said, I can never go back to dating *kitten*. This man values my time, responds promptly to texts and phone calls, and makes me feel desirable and wanted. Now that I have had someone who treats me with respect and kindness, I can never go back to anything less.0 -
Nice!lilaclovebird wrote: »Anyone remember this confession?lilaclovebird wrote: »No real time to catch up. I have a few confessions then I have to get to making my rounds.
#2- I totally have the hots for my co-worker/supervisor and I struggle with the moral dilemma of holding to my own personal code of ethics and keeping my feelings(lust) to myself.
Yeah...I'm totally dating my coworker/supervisor now....
We are doing well at keeping work and our outside social activities separate.
Judge me if you must, but it is not against policy and things are going great so far. Taking it day by day.
That being said, I can never go back to dating *kitten*. This man values my time, responds promptly to texts and phone calls, and makes me feel desirable and wanted. Now that I have had someone who treats me with respect and kindness, I can never go back to anything less.
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This is good advice! Within weeks of meeting my SO we were lying on the sofa and as I got up I accidentally farted in his face. That has been his get out clause for all the disgusting smells he has produced in the last 7 years. We still love each other though. Farts and all.
After a while together, my SO told me he wished I'd fart so he'd feel comfortable farting around me.
I told him, with a perfectly straight face, that I don't fart. I do fart, probably more than he does -- I just casually walk over by one of the dogs first, who are well known for their flatulence (see previous excrement-eating post).
It's become a standing joke between us.
HA HA that's what I used to do when I was younger. Poor dog never knew what was happening. But she knew she would get a treat for it.0 -
Started having intense belly pains this morning and went to the ER... Found out after 6 hours that it's ovarian cysts... one is 1.7 inch and the other 1.3 inch. I guess it explains why I gain water when I ovulate and only lose it after my period. Yikes. But the first thing I did when I got home, once I was sure it wasn't a digesting issue, is have some streak and broccoli... and a big bowl of ice cream and two cookies. But I still have 1100 calories left today.
And really hoping the pain doesn't come back.
Oh that sucks. I'm so sorry to hear this.
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Tonight's random workout thoughts:
Whoever came up with the idea of working to failure is a sadist
Whoever thought there would ever be a practical use for suspending yourself with your arms perpendicular is also a sadist
When Damage Inc pops up in shuffle and I do an extra set of bicep curls, it's probably the closest me and my ovaries will ever get to understanding the male mid-life crisis.
Ythannah's perpetual workout thoughts:
Is the damned bar in the right place? Engage core -- back straight -- head UP -- you just forgot about your core, ENGAGE -- down and... OH FUKK THAT WASN'T LOW ENOUGH -- drive up with heels -- too much quad action -- okay, that's ONE.
Igetayummyproteindrinkattheendofthis.
Repeat.
HA HA HA every single time. and then later in the day when my lower back starts to hurt I think "Obviously my back wasn't straight enough" dammit.0 -
smashley_mashley wrote: »IAmTheGlue wrote: »lilaclovebird wrote: »IAmTheGlue wrote: »quiksylver296 wrote: »
I second that statement. Can we clone him?
Knock yourself out. Let me know how that works out for you. He's not without flaws though. His flatulence can clear full rooms and he tends to be a workaholic. He is a perfectionist so when he sets a goal, he'll do whatever it takes to reach it. That's both a gift and curse.
God definitely knew what He was doing when He molded that guy. I'm just incredibly humbled He chose me for him. *I'm not crying.
To all you singles out there, DO NOT SETTLE! You deserve someone that thinks the world of you and will do whatever it takes to make you feel like the most important person in their life. If they don't, move on. Luckily, God practically dropped my honey in lap. He knew I was lazy.
^ This! I have the same kind of husband. He's my second husband and if I knew what marriage or a relationship *could* feel like, I wouldn't have spent so long with the abusive a$$hat I married first.
I am grateful everyday for my husband. That would be my 2nd best relationship advice: Don't settle. Don't settle. Don't settle.
Working on it. I am a happily divorced 26 year old.
May I ask what the 1st best relationship advice you have is?
My very best relationship advice is: be yourself. 100% exactly who you are from the get go. No best manners. No holding back. Just be 100% the real you, flaws and all. If you leave your cups on the coffee table all week and carry 7 coffee cups to the dishwasher on Saturday , do it from the very beginning. Whatever your worst is... they deserve to know the truth.
I was divorced and happily single for well over a year before I met my husband. I was a single mom of 3 little kids (6, 4 & 2 years old). I wasn't dating anyone and definitely wasn't looking. My washer and fridge died in under a week. We had a new maintenance man at work. I asked him to come look at them and he did. I literally needed those things fixed. I wasn't just trying to pick him up
Anyway, he asked if he could take me to eat after he looked at them and I was all "I don't need a man. I'm not looking for a relationship. But, I will tell you what... you be you...exactly who you are. I'll be me. Exactly who I am. No best behavior or pretending to be someone your aren't. If we click, great. If not, we are no worse off than we are right now. No pretending."
He agreed. I have been exactly me ever since. I was just trying to avoid heartache later when we realized that it actually wouldnt work but had put all this time in getting to know each other. We are very good together and I chalk it up to blatant honesty in who we are.
So, that is my best advice... be yourself. Don't settle.
This is good advice! Within weeks of meeting my SO we were lying on the sofa and as I got up I accidentally farted in his face. That has been his get out clause for all the disgusting smells he has produced in the last 7 years. We still love each other though. Farts and all.
When my husband and I started dating he was living in his mom's basement (he had moved back in to help after his father passed). I had stayed the night and in the morning he went upstairs to the bathroom and just let one rip. The sound travels down through the duct work. I could hear his mom ask him "don't you think she heard that?!". He came down and I was laughing so hard. He sad he kept I in all night. After that we agreed to just let nature do its thing.
I thought that was standard for a morning pee? It's like the house alarm clock when my SO gets up in the morning.
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