"Asking if I've lost weight isn't a compliment"
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What you've described is VERY COMMON in Asian communities where EVERYTHING is up for commentary. This is not limited to family. Even strangers, friends. But the closer the familial relation the more barbs you get
In the past year no-one has rubbed my belly for luck (twice mothers of Chinese friends, once an "I've barely known you a month"/sales rep, once a friend/sales rep right after I commented to her about the other rep incident!)
I've also been told by the staff at two vendors that they can no longer call me Fei Jai, which has been my official name, in one case for almost 20 years (as in: is the order for Fei Jai ready? Fei Jai is on hold for you on line 1)
Not sure if I should be happy or sad!0 -
professionalHobbyist wrote: »I am not sure how to feel about that article.
On one hand some people are super sensitive and that gets annoying when whatever it is for them is worn like a cross they are nailed to.
But then again I hear that weight loss comment myself all the time. I have lost over 125 lbs. and at the gym it is every other day.
But I don't ever say it to women unless they are at the gym and I know they are working on it. I encourage my friends and they seem to enjoy their hard work is paying off.
But outside of the gym...
There are so many women sensitive about so many things it is just easier to say nothing more than hello instead of negotiating the minefield of socially taboo topics for her in particular.
I don't mind being asked. But outside of gym buddies I leave that topic alone.
The problem, as I see it, with commenting on a woman's weight is not the danger of her being offended because she is sensitive. The problem, speaking as a woman (I'm not sure if you are a woman or not), is that men, and even other women, don't think twice about assuming they have the right, or that it's natural to comment on a woman's appearance or personal business to her face--to just say whatever they want to say to her as if she is there solely for the observation and scrutiny of others. This extends to remarks beyond weight, but weight and appearance in general are magnets for this stuff. Now, I get that this is not necessarily a feminist article, and that men can be subject to these comments as well. I also agree with the relatively gender-neutral point that the poster is making that complimenting weight loss is also an insult to the person's previous appearance. Most people don't go around thinking it's okay to say "Your outfit or your haircut yesterday sucked, but this one is cute." However, you mention women specifically in your comment, and these weight-related comments leak often enough into the female existence that we cannot pretend being a women and the historical lack of balance in the way women are treated has zero to do with all this, particularly given the wording of your comment.0 -
Ready2Rock206 wrote: »Discussing my weight at all is not acceptable. It is a horribly rude topic and I'd rather be punched in the face then discuss my weight with random people with no social skills who think it is an acceptable topic.
Clearly you have never been punched in the face. It hurts much more than being asked if you have lost weight.0 -
I don't know what your definition of fact is but December 25 is actually Christmas.
Imposing your religion on everyone else rarely ends well.christinev297 wrote:the "happy holidays" thing makes my hackles stand up!
It's Christmas, and everyone should have a MERRY one
If I know what holiday a person celebrates, I'll give them the appropriate greeting.
Are you trying to deny the fact that it is Christmas on the 25th?
It's not really a "fact", it's more like a choice.
Sometimes the 25th is Ramadan. And quite often it's Hannukah. Those are also choices.
Being Christmas doesn't exclude December 25 from being other days too.
Is it not like saying July 4th being independence day in the U.S. Isn't a fact?
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I don't know what your definition of fact is but December 25 is actually Christmas.
Imposing your religion on everyone else rarely ends well.christinev297 wrote:the "happy holidays" thing makes my hackles stand up!
It's Christmas, and everyone should have a MERRY one
If I know what holiday a person celebrates, I'll give them the appropriate greeting.
Are you trying to deny the fact that it is Christmas on the 25th?
It's not really a "fact", it's more like a choice.
Sometimes the 25th is Ramadan. And quite often it's Hannukah. Those are also choices.
Gravity is a fact.
Christmas (or anything else) being on the 25th is something we chose to do.
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Spreyton22K wrote: »I honestly believe that the sentiments expressed in the article are reflecting modern day attitudes that have changed over time.
I'm 52......I grew up in Australia, back in my younger days, it WAS common practice for every man and his dog to make comments about weight/appearance.....looking hotter/not so hot/have YOU lost weight or the other have you GAINED..... whatever.
It was an expected part of the culture and in the most part never meant to be rude or provocative except of course if you knew my Mother (then the spite was real).
Nowadays we have so much more awareness and organised movements for Body Positivity, Health at Every Size etc etc......which in general is empowering and positive, although I do not believe that obesity can be healthy, despite perfect blood work, Bp's etc etc there is just too much science-based evidence to confirm that obesity will impact negatively upon your life and lifespan. There I have said it - Shoot me down if you want.
I have to agree with Peachy - before we get our panties in a twist over such comments, we should take time to:
Look at the age/generation the person came from.
Are they being genuine or is it a back-handed comment meant to make you feel uncomfortable.
Be aware of cultural influences as well....not all Cultures as as A'hem 'polite' or shy expressing their thoughts.
It could be that you are just looking extra fab in your outfit of the day and weight is the 1st thing that comes to mind.
Or.....maybe they are just socially inept and doing the best they can.
We are ALL so diverse, what someone else craves and would find inspiring (those that have said they were thrilled when someone noticed and commented on their loss) others find insulting and intrusive.
@Spreyton22K, That's really interesting!
I've met quite a few Aussies born in that generation and they've always been very polite, if not though, quite straight forward in their opinions and viewpoints without being incredibly rude (like my gen Y batch who can be very rude, but very PC or very detached, not particularly polite but VERY non-PC).
I actually do enjoy speaking to them because it's quite refreshing to have someone speak their mind. These days we've lost the ability to agree to disagree. Freedom of speech also means letting someone air their view even if its stupid/silly/offensive so long as its not say for example a call to arms or spewing absolute hatred with violence as an intention - some might even argue that is also ok in a way so long as that person takes accountability for the consequences that come AFTER they have spewed that hatred because you can't punish someone for thinking something if they haven't committed it (aka minority report).
What you've described is VERY COMMON in Asian communities where EVERYTHING is up for commentary. This is not limited to family. Even strangers, friends. But the closer the familial relation the more barbs you get.
Its really common to meet a relative after a while and them saying things like "OMG LOOK AT YOU, YOU HAVE GROWN *SO FAT* HOW ARE YOU GOING TO FIND A HUSBAND/BOYFRIEND!!" and later in the day they are putting food in your bowl telling you to eat more. Moms would say the above, and then maybe go as far as to take the rice bowl away from you saying "Oh that's enough, you will get fat!"
Its not usually meant as a put down (maybe except green-eyed relatives) and they usually mean it in a very pragmatic way...but it really gets to the young Asians who are either brought up in the West or brought up in a Westernised manner.
Thankyou for the feedback and I must admit that it is now a different World to the one I grew up in.....sometimes that's a good thing, others times not.
I had to laugh at the comment by @Merkavar about Tasmanians and it being the only place where it would OK/common to have a conversation about breast augmentation.
If I was wearing my PC hat and into getting butt-hurt I might be inclined to issue him with an invite for a dawn duel with Banjos.....but beware Merkavar our two-headedness puts us Taswegians at a distinct advantage.
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December 25th isn't even a fact. The calendar is just made up. Stop trying to shove your fascist timekeeping constructs down everyone's throat.
I don't know what your definition of fact is but December 25 is actually Christmas.
Imposing your religion on everyone else rarely ends well.christinev297 wrote:the "happy holidays" thing makes my hackles stand up!
It's Christmas, and everyone should have a MERRY one
If I know what holiday a person celebrates, I'll give them the appropriate greeting.
Are you trying to deny the fact that it is Christmas on the 25th?
It's not really a "fact", it's more like a choice.
Sometimes the 25th is Ramadan. And quite often it's Hannukah. Those are also choices.
Being Christmas doesn't exclude December 25 from being other days too.
Is it not like saying July 4th being independence day in the U.S. Isn't a fact?
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LiftAllThePizzas wrote: »
December 25th isn't even a fact. The calendar is just made up. Stop trying to shove your fascist timekeeping constructs down everyone's throat.
I don't know what your definition of fact is but December 25 is actually Christmas.
Imposing your religion on everyone else rarely ends well.christinev297 wrote:the "happy holidays" thing makes my hackles stand up!
It's Christmas, and everyone should have a MERRY one
If I know what holiday a person celebrates, I'll give them the appropriate greeting.
Are you trying to deny the fact that it is Christmas on the 25th?
It's not really a "fact", it's more like a choice.
Sometimes the 25th is Ramadan. And quite often it's Hannukah. Those are also choices.
Being Christmas doesn't exclude December 25 from being other days too.
Is it not like saying July 4th being independence day in the U.S. Isn't a fact?
:drinker:0 -
initialsdeebee wrote: »professionalHobbyist wrote: »I am not sure how to feel about that article.
On one hand some people are super sensitive and that gets annoying when whatever it is for them is worn like a cross they are nailed to.
But then again I hear that weight loss comment myself all the time. I have lost over 125 lbs. and at the gym it is every other day.
But I don't ever say it to women unless they are at the gym and I know they are working on it. I encourage my friends and they seem to enjoy their hard work is paying off.
But outside of the gym...
There are so many women sensitive about so many things it is just easier to say nothing more than hello instead of negotiating the minefield of socially taboo topics for her in particular.
I don't mind being asked. But outside of gym buddies I leave that topic alone.
The problem, as I see it, with commenting on a woman's weight is not the danger of her being offended because she is sensitive. The problem, speaking as a woman (I'm not sure if you are a woman or not), is that men, and even other women, don't think twice about assuming they have the right, or that it's natural to comment on a woman's appearance or personal business to her face--to just say whatever they want to say to her as if she is there solely for the observation and scrutiny of others. This extends to remarks beyond weight, but weight and appearance in general are magnets for this stuff. Now, I get that this is not necessarily a feminist article, and that men can be subject to these comments as well. I also agree with the relatively gender-neutral point that the poster is making that complimenting weight loss is also an insult to the person's previous appearance. Most people don't go around thinking it's okay to say "Your outfit or your haircut yesterday sucked, but this one is cute." However, you mention women specifically in your comment, and these weight-related comments leak often enough into the female existence that we cannot pretend being a women and the historical lack of balance in the way women are treated has zero to do with all this, particularly given the wording of your comment.
+10000000000000000
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LiftAllThePizzas wrote: »
December 25th isn't even a fact. The calendar is just made up. Stop trying to shove your fascist timekeeping constructs down everyone's throat.
I don't know what your definition of fact is but December 25 is actually Christmas.
Imposing your religion on everyone else rarely ends well.christinev297 wrote:the "happy holidays" thing makes my hackles stand up!
It's Christmas, and everyone should have a MERRY one
If I know what holiday a person celebrates, I'll give them the appropriate greeting.
Are you trying to deny the fact that it is Christmas on the 25th?
It's not really a "fact", it's more like a choice.
Sometimes the 25th is Ramadan. And quite often it's Hannukah. Those are also choices.
Being Christmas doesn't exclude December 25 from being other days too.
Is it not like saying July 4th being independence day in the U.S. Isn't a fact?
That's it. Busting out the old Google definitions
Proved to be true? Reality? Actuality? Certainty? All things that can be said about Christmas being in the 25th if I'm not mistaken. Making Christmas on the 25th a fact.
What does this calendar say? Oh Christmas in the 25th. What do you mean I don't need to work on the 25th, was I fired? Nope it's just Christmas public holiday. What about next year, yeah same thing again.
Boom drops the mic
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If you haven't got it by now, you're not going to.
:drinker:
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Wow, did this just evolve into a discussion about Christmas?
To get back to the original topic:
This goes for me hand in hand with 'you look so pale'. I'm one of those people who never get a 'proper' tan aka a tan that society would identify as one so these comments annoy me to no end.
I can see how 'have you lost weight' can grate on someone's nerves, especially when they're ill or when people around them only concentrate about their weight instead of their personality. That sure blows.
Someone once told me that a person who is content with themself walks with a straighter back and therefor can look like they lost weight. An optical illusion, really.
Also, what initialsdeebee said:
What I look like, how I clothe myself as well as my weight are my own business. Our Western society has this unfortunate idea that women's habits are something everyone is allowed to freely discuss and hark on while at the same time saying 'a man's business is his own'. This is something that some men use to 'get' a woman: compliments that are paired with a rude comment.
Example:
Some years ago some guy talked me up on the subway. It was winter and I was wearing a thick jacket (I had at that point lost weight and felt really well in my body - I was not overweight in the last!) and he says to me 'I really like how you look. I like thicker women better than thin ones.'
Instant dislike from the moment he started talking to me (and ignoring that I had earphones on) but this pretty much sealed my opinion on him that he was a *kitten*.
So yeah, 'did you lose weight?' might sound nice in your head but geez, focusing on someone's weight really IS low. Complimenting someone on what they wear works well enough without any dumb backhanded comments to go with. Simply 'this shirt looks great on you' works.0 -
I don't know what your definition of fact is but December 25 is actually Christmas.
Imposing your religion on everyone else rarely ends well.christinev297 wrote:the "happy holidays" thing makes my hackles stand up!
It's Christmas, and everyone should have a MERRY one
If I know what holiday a person celebrates, I'll give them the appropriate greeting.
Are you trying to deny the fact that it is Christmas on the 25th?
It's not really a "fact", it's more like a choice.
Sometimes the 25th is Ramadan. And quite often it's Hannukah. Those are also choices.
Being Christmas doesn't exclude December 25 from being other days too.
Is it not like saying July 4th being independence day in the U.S. Isn't a fact?
actually we celebrate on the 25th but in "reality" (note the quotes) according to the "book" it should be in April...that's fact.0 -
This is spot on. Except for, you know, Santa Claus, and reindeer, and snowmen, and lights, and big sales at stores...eileensofianmushinfine wrote: »MoiAussi93 wrote: »christinev297 wrote: »
I think if people are offended by it then they need to get over themselves as they are the ones who are encouraging all this crap in our lives where no one can say anything to anybody for fear of "offending" someone...even Merry Christmas is scrutinized now...happy holidays my butt.
Grrrrrrrrr the "happy holidays" thing makes my hackles stand up! It's Christmas, and everyone should have a MERRY one
Agreed! I say Merry Christmas. And I send Christmas cards, not "happy holidays"...even to friends who aren't religious or are non-Christian religions...because Christmas is also a secular holiday...not just a religious one. Well adjusted people don't get offended by things like that...they take it as the expression of goodwill it was intended as.
As a jew, it's tough to be in the minority during December. While I don't get offended if someone wishes me a Merry christmas (as my students do it all the time, LOL!), there is nothing about christmas (to non-christians) that marks it as a secular holiday.
I'm a non-Christian and one would have to try very, very, very hard not to see the secular aspects of Christmas. I mean delusionally hard.
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DeguelloTex wrote: »
This is spot on. Except for, you know, Santa Claus, and reindeer, and snowmen, and lights, and big sales at stores...eileensofianmushinfine wrote: »MoiAussi93 wrote: »christinev297 wrote: »
I think if people are offended by it then they need to get over themselves as they are the ones who are encouraging all this crap in our lives where no one can say anything to anybody for fear of "offending" someone...even Merry Christmas is scrutinized now...happy holidays my butt.
Grrrrrrrrr the "happy holidays" thing makes my hackles stand up! It's Christmas, and everyone should have a MERRY one
Agreed! I say Merry Christmas. And I send Christmas cards, not "happy holidays"...even to friends who aren't religious or are non-Christian religions...because Christmas is also a secular holiday...not just a religious one. Well adjusted people don't get offended by things like that...they take it as the expression of goodwill it was intended as.
As a jew, it's tough to be in the minority during December. While I don't get offended if someone wishes me a Merry christmas (as my students do it all the time, LOL!), there is nothing about christmas (to non-christians) that marks it as a secular holiday.
I'm a non-Christian and one would have to try very, very, very hard not to see the secular aspects of Christmas. I mean delusionally hard.
:bigsmile:0 -
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I personally think it's absolutely flattering. I put in hard work. I'm glad you noticed. These comments and compliments keep me motivated! They keep me from wanting to return to my start weight. They give me a slight confidence boost, man! Sure, you could have said I looked pretty today or that you liked the way my hair was done instead, but a compliment is a compliment! No one means any darn harm for saying that. They're shocked, they're proud, and it's nice. And it always opens up the chance to talk about your journey and to inspire others. And heck, if you don't want to talk about it due to personal issues, just say "thank you," and go on with your day looking fine as you are! Lastly, 10 or 10+, it's still 10
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I had a random thought this morning... given the underlying vitriol in the piece that seemed to stem from the HAES framework, I'm confused by something. If the battlecry is Health At ANY Size, why is there no respect for people like me who chose to benefit from weight reduction for medical reasons?
I have all but completely eradicated the pain from my degenerative disc disease with the weight I've already lost, and am avoiding doses of steroids for managing psoriatic arthritis.
The people around me know I have these conditions, and asking if I've lost weight? Feels pretty good. Weight and size aren't just about attractiveness as the article writer asserts. Some of us do it for health.
As for the winter holiday debate? I'm a total heathen. Bring on the gluten free cookies and I don't care what you wish me.0 -
Because it's not about health at any size; it's about rationalization and framing the issue to make anyone who disagrees look bad. It's similar to showing how tolerant you are by shouting down as a bigot anyone who disagrees with your worldview. It's Newspeak in real life.PeachyCarol wrote: »I had a random thought this morning... given the underlying vitriol in the piece that seemed to stem from the HAES framework, I'm confused by something. If the battlecry is Health At ANY Size, why is there no respect for people like me who chose to benefit from weight reduction for medical reasons?
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PaulaWallaDingDong wrote: »The writer is waaaaaaay overthinking the issue. "Have you lost weight" is just an observation (unless they're being sarcastic). At my heaviest, I'd get asked every now and then by people I hadn't seen in a while if I had lost weight. I hadn't, though they insisted that I had, but it was nice, for me, to think that for whatever reason, I didn't look like a big fat pig that day, or at least, as much of a big fat pig as usual. It was GOOD for my self image. If the writer has such a problem with her weight that even compliments sound like insults, then that is HER problem. She is devaluing HERSELF because of her weight and projecting her negativity onto other people. She either needs to get over it if she doesn't want to do anything about it, or she needs to pop on over to MFP and start herself a profile.
No, the author has separated her self worth from her weight and is bothered when it seems other people view anything positive or negative in terms of weight only. She concentrates on being happier and healthier, and therefore dresses better and takes more care to look good which helps her feel good. She thinks she has if anything probably gained a little weight, and she's ok with that. When people say, "You've lost weight, haven't you?" instead of "Wow, you look great in that color/style," or "That haircut really suits you," she feels as though the only currency for compliments is weight loss, and that's not a currency she possesses or values.
I've lost nearly 60 pounds, and people who haven't seen me in awhile usually mention it, and I'm fine with it. But there are people I see every week at church, people with whom I used to have genuinely interesting conversations. Now they greet me just about every Sunday with some version of, "Wow, you've really lost weight." It's just tedious, I haven't lost weight since last Sunday, can't we talk about the sermon or your grandchildren or ANYTHING REAL???0 -
DeguelloTex wrote: »
Because it's not about health at any size; it's about rationalization and framing the issue to make anyone who disagrees look bad. It's similar to showing how tolerant you are by shouting down as a bigot anyone who disagrees with your worldview. It's Newspeak in real life.PeachyCarol wrote: »I had a random thought this morning... given the underlying vitriol in the piece that seemed to stem from the HAES framework, I'm confused by something. If the battlecry is Health At ANY Size, why is there no respect for people like me who chose to benefit from weight reduction for medical reasons?
I tend to agree, but I doubt that its proponents examine their side of things closely enough to see things that way.
I had a poke around a few sites this morning. Contrary to a few assertions posted upthread, I did not see an emphasis on healthy food at all. I saw an emphasis on choosing food you liked, and allowing for what you wanted and a whole bunch of honoring your body and stuff like that.
Another thing I found disturbing was the link to the mindful eating movement. A lot of overweight people have BROKEN hunger signals due to emotional and deeply ingrained behavioral issues which could be corrected, and ... hey, it's okay to just HONOR them? Total BS.
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Oh, I think they have looked at it very closely. There's a growing tendency here to label things as "common sense" -- common sense gun control, common sense immigration reform, common sense tax reform -- because, hey, who's against common sense? It seems that the more indefensible something is, the more likely it is to be labeled "common sense." It's a way of trying to frame the issue so as to be able to dismiss any opponents as crackpots who are against common sense, and thereby avoid the sticky business of actually defending a position by trying to shut off debate as unnecessary. It's sort of a passive-aggressive ad hominem, really, to the extent it doesn't shut people up in the first place.PeachyCarol wrote: »DeguelloTex wrote: »
Because it's not about health at any size; it's about rationalization and framing the issue to make anyone who disagrees look bad. It's similar to showing how tolerant you are by shouting down as a bigot anyone who disagrees with your worldview. It's Newspeak in real life.PeachyCarol wrote: »I had a random thought this morning... given the underlying vitriol in the piece that seemed to stem from the HAES framework, I'm confused by something. If the battlecry is Health At ANY Size, why is there no respect for people like me who chose to benefit from weight reduction for medical reasons?
I tend to agree, but I doubt that its proponents examine their side of things closely enough to see things that way.
So, if you're against health at any size, you're clearly a loon who can and should be dismissed because you hate health. People who hate health should have no voice. It doesn't matter whether you really hate health; what matters is framing the issue. Again, I think they've made the very specific effort to try to avoid having to defend the actual content of the ideas by naming the ideas in certain ways.
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But the author isn't saying she feels people were trying to insult her; she's not talking about intent at all. She's saying, why are so many comments about appearance framed in terms of weight, when the change in appearance isn't to do with weight at all? She's saying many of us view positive or negative in terms of weight loss or gain only, when there is so much more to it. She has actively tried to get out of this mindset.ManiacalLaugh wrote: »I realize the author wasn't really trying to lose weight, and therefore, this might not mean the same to them, but it's still a remark intended on showing that person that "Hey, I can really tell that you're putting effort into trying to improve yourself." If they were trying to insult, there are a lot of other things they could've said. I've heard just about all of them.
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LiftAllThePizzas wrote: »I know! After I quit smoking someone asked me if I'd quit smoking, so naturally I pushed them into a rack of dumbells!
Lol.
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But if you hadn't lost weight, and were instead working on upgrading your wardrobe or working with a stylist and coach to improve yourself in other ways, why would people only comment on the changes in terms of weight? It's not about the commenter's intention, whether it's to compliment or insult. Why can't they/we see improvements in appearance or confidence as anything but weight loss?Personally, if someone asked me if I have lost weight, I would take it as a compliment (because I have and I worked hard to do it!)
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Life is just more pleasant in general if you assume good intentions until proven otherwise. Having lived with clinical depression since childhood, this was a skill I had to learn but it has made a world of difference.
This is my stance as well. Sometime almost had to go out of there way and literally say to me, "No, you idiot. That's an insult. "
Even then I might not realise it as such.0 -
A few years ago when I was at my fittest and thinnest I got comments from girls at my job all the time about my weight loss and even specific body parts but I took it as compliments and a chance to educate people about what I had learned about nutrition and getting back into lifting. Most where nice but one girl walked by me one day and said "Oh my God would you go eat a cheeseburger or something!" At first I thought it was rude but then I used it as more motivation in the gym. Haters gonna hate, right?
A few weeks later she said the same thing to me and I responded "Actually, I just had a double cheeseburger last night, but now that you mention it, I could totally go for another."
People are always going to over step boundaries, and make comments without thinking about how it may affect you. At my new job the cleaning lady has made comments to me about how I look like I'm getting "skinny." To me that is a little uncomfortable since I never talk to her and am also at the heaviest I've been in a long time but I know she's just trying to be nice so I say thank you and move on with my day.
Maybe I'm just used to my weight being a topic of discussion most of my life thanks to my mom but if you don't want people noticing and commenting on your weight loss then don't lose weight...or just never leave your house. Or just nut up and deal with it.0
People can be really sensitive sometimes. People can take 'anything' out of context out as an insult these days. 
This discussion has been closed.
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