My 'Healthy Lifestyle' is ruining my relationship.

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  • jemhh
    jemhh Posts: 14,261 Member
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    Kalikel wrote: »
    jemhh wrote: »
    Kalikel wrote: »
    SLLRunner wrote: »
    Kalikel wrote: »
    slideaway1 wrote: »
    Kalikel wrote: »
    If the problem is that he wants you to eat fast food, dump him. If the problem is that he wants to be intimate, do that. If you don't want to...Honestly, if you don't want to be with the guy, that's a good reason for either of you to get over this relationship.

    That's pretty brutal. The man only wants a Burger King every now and then after a workout. :)
    No, he wants her to eat BK. Big difference.

    If your partner insists on telling you what to eat, they need to go. If they're telling you to eat things that are bad for you, they double need to go. But the "Eat what I tell you to eat or I'm leaving" thing...hold the door open for them to go.
    I've read this thread, and all I see is he's finding ways to bring back the intimacy, and eating out is one way. His ultimatum is he wants her back. There is no indication that he's telling her what to eat, or that if she didn't eat what he wants that she needs to go. In fact, you're projecting an awful lto here.
    What am I projecting? What has happened in my world?

    Do share. I would love to know.

    This should be fascinating.

    "Making a big leap" might fit better than "projecting" if I am understanding @SLLRunner , and I think I am (and am in agreement with her.)
    If he's insisting that she eat what he tells her to eat or he's leaving, she should let him go...or, better, invite him to leave.

    If he just wants to be closer, she has to decide if that's what she wants or not and then follow through with her choice.

    I can't find the part where he told her to eat what he tells her or he's leaving. Please point that out. I do see the part where he says that she needs to spend time with him, and that I can completely understand.
  • slideaway1
    slideaway1 Posts: 1,006 Member
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    zyxst wrote: »
    Kalikel wrote: »
    jemhh wrote: »
    Kalikel wrote: »
    SLLRunner wrote: »
    Kalikel wrote: »
    slideaway1 wrote: »
    Kalikel wrote: »
    If the problem is that he wants you to eat fast food, dump him. If the problem is that he wants to be intimate, do that. If you don't want to...Honestly, if you don't want to be with the guy, that's a good reason for either of you to get over this relationship.

    That's pretty brutal. The man only wants a Burger King every now and then after a workout. :)
    No, he wants her to eat BK. Big difference.

    If your partner insists on telling you what to eat, they need to go. If they're telling you to eat things that are bad for you, they double need to go. But the "Eat what I tell you to eat or I'm leaving" thing...hold the door open for them to go.
    I've read this thread, and all I see is he's finding ways to bring back the intimacy, and eating out is one way. His ultimatum is he wants her back. There is no indication that he's telling her what to eat, or that if she didn't eat what he wants that she needs to go. In fact, you're projecting an awful lto here.
    What am I projecting? What has happened in my world?

    Do share. I would love to know.

    This should be fascinating.

    "Making a big leap" might fit better than "projecting" if I am understanding @SLLRunner , and I think I am (and am in agreement with her.)
    If he's insisting that she eat what he tells her to eat or he's leaving, she should let him go...or, better, invite him to leave.

    If he just wants to be closer, she has to decide if that's what she wants or not and then follow through with her choice.

    Yes, because suggesting they go to BK after the gym is totally telling her what to eat. *eyeroll*

    He might just be saying after the gym "I'm going to quickly go to the Drive Thru and grab a burger, do you want anything?", unless I have missed a post saying otherwise?
  • MondayJune22nd2015
    MondayJune22nd2015 Posts: 876 Member
    edited September 2015
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    Basically you're going to have to live both lifestyles evenly or choose 1. I'd say cut your weight loss goals in half & double the amount of time, that it'll take to achieve them. Spend the other half of those Calories & time from the gym, with your significant other.

    It seems that your goals have become extreme (fanatical). Don't sacrifice a healthy mind & relationship, for a healthy body; when you can have all 3 instead. Too much of anything/everything positive, is always negative. Moderation is the key, to all sustainable success!
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
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    Kalikel wrote: »
    jemhh wrote: »
    Kalikel wrote: »
    SLLRunner wrote: »
    Kalikel wrote: »
    slideaway1 wrote: »
    Kalikel wrote: »
    If the problem is that he wants you to eat fast food, dump him. If the problem is that he wants to be intimate, do that. If you don't want to...Honestly, if you don't want to be with the guy, that's a good reason for either of you to get over this relationship.

    That's pretty brutal. The man only wants a Burger King every now and then after a workout. :)
    No, he wants her to eat BK. Big difference.

    If your partner insists on telling you what to eat, they need to go. If they're telling you to eat things that are bad for you, they double need to go. But the "Eat what I tell you to eat or I'm leaving" thing...hold the door open for them to go.
    I've read this thread, and all I see is he's finding ways to bring back the intimacy, and eating out is one way. His ultimatum is he wants her back. There is no indication that he's telling her what to eat, or that if she didn't eat what he wants that she needs to go. In fact, you're projecting an awful lto here.
    What am I projecting? What has happened in my world?

    Do share. I would love to know.

    This should be fascinating.

    "Making a big leap" might fit better than "projecting" if I am understanding @SLLRunner , and I think I am (and am in agreement with her.)
    If he's insisting that she eat what he tells her to eat or he's leaving, she should let him go...or, better, invite him to leave.

    If he just wants to be closer, she has to decide if that's what she wants or not and then follow through with her choice.

    honestly - you're invited to just leave- there is a boat load of good advice and you happen to be the one monkey wrench who isn't actually helping. There isn't ANYTHING about the OP or following information that sounds down right manipulative on his part.

    She's well aware she's seriously toeing the line of obsessed and it's causing damage to her life. None of this was about him being over bearing. don't make it so.

    Moving on.

    OP.
    I'd like to think I'm highly dedicated and organized (I'm not but I'm hella busy which forces a certain type of organization and if that fails- good improvisation)- I work many jobs- and I work out regularly- and my BF is only here 2 days a week - and those are mid work week for me- which means- I have 5-10 PM roughly with him- except on one of those days- I have rehearsal from 7-10. So I barely see him.
    Let me tell you Wednesday. I fiercely protect it for my time with him. Even if I go to the gym- my work out is less relevant- sometimes I'll skip it. I value you him- and yeah sometimes I go to the gym instead of straight home- but I make it as meaningful and quick so I can get home to him as fast as I can to dedicate those few hours with him. Is it always like that? nope- sometimes I have a workshop- or I NEED to get a run in and i missed it- whatever- it happens- and he gets that- he's VERY flexible and forgiving with me because he knows these things are important- but it's also because I make a huge effort to protect that time with him.

    Make time for him. You make time for you- make time for him. Food- date- sex- whatever- you have to carve out time that is 100% protected for him. It will go a long way- no matter if it's a food date- or a popcorn night- or whatever. He seems to really want to be make things work and he's doing this best- so at least met him half way.
  • Liftng4Lis
    Liftng4Lis Posts: 15,150 Member
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    JoRocka wrote: »
    Kalikel wrote: »
    jemhh wrote: »
    Kalikel wrote: »
    SLLRunner wrote: »
    Kalikel wrote: »
    slideaway1 wrote: »
    Kalikel wrote: »
    If the problem is that he wants you to eat fast food, dump him. If the problem is that he wants to be intimate, do that. If you don't want to...Honestly, if you don't want to be with the guy, that's a good reason for either of you to get over this relationship.

    That's pretty brutal. The man only wants a Burger King every now and then after a workout. :)
    No, he wants her to eat BK. Big difference.

    If your partner insists on telling you what to eat, they need to go. If they're telling you to eat things that are bad for you, they double need to go. But the "Eat what I tell you to eat or I'm leaving" thing...hold the door open for them to go.
    I've read this thread, and all I see is he's finding ways to bring back the intimacy, and eating out is one way. His ultimatum is he wants her back. There is no indication that he's telling her what to eat, or that if she didn't eat what he wants that she needs to go. In fact, you're projecting an awful lto here.
    What am I projecting? What has happened in my world?

    Do share. I would love to know.

    This should be fascinating.

    "Making a big leap" might fit better than "projecting" if I am understanding @SLLRunner , and I think I am (and am in agreement with her.)
    If he's insisting that she eat what he tells her to eat or he's leaving, she should let him go...or, better, invite him to leave.

    If he just wants to be closer, she has to decide if that's what she wants or not and then follow through with her choice.

    honestly - you're invited to just leave- there is a boat load of good advice and you happen to be the one monkey wrench who isn't actually helping. There isn't ANYTHING about the OP or following information that sounds down right manipulative on his part.

    She's well aware she's seriously toeing the line of obsessed and it's causing damage to her life. None of this was about him being over bearing. don't make it so.

    Moving on.

    OP.
    I'd like to think I'm highly dedicated and organized (I'm not but I'm hella busy which forces a certain type of organization and if that fails- good improvisation)- I work many jobs- and I work out regularly- and my BF is only here 2 days a week - and those are mid work week for me- which means- I have 5-10 PM roughly with him- except on one of those days- I have rehearsal from 7-10. So I barely see him.
    Let me tell you Wednesday. I fiercely protect it for my time with him. Even if I go to the gym- my work out is less relevant- sometimes I'll skip it. I value you him- and yeah sometimes I go to the gym instead of straight home- but I make it as meaningful and quick so I can get home to him as fast as I can to dedicate those few hours with him. Is it always like that? nope- sometimes I have a workshop- or I NEED to get a run in and i missed it- whatever- it happens- and he gets that- he's VERY flexible and forgiving with me because he knows these things are important- but it's also because I make a huge effort to protect that time with him.

    Make time for him. You make time for you- make time for him. Food- date- sex- whatever- you have to carve out time that is 100% protected for him. It will go a long way- no matter if it's a food date- or a popcorn night- or whatever. He seems to really want to be make things work and he's doing this best- so at least met him half way.

    Solid
  • bringon30
    bringon30 Posts: 75 Member
    edited September 2015
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    When a woman cheats, there are plenty of women (and sometimes men) to say, "Well, her man should have paid more attention to her!" Now, I'm not condoning cheating, but look at the reality of why it sometimes happens. When a partner feels neglected, the relationship ALWAYS goes south. Sometimes quickly. I'm assuming you've got a great guy and that you love him, or you wouldn't be posting this. Please, try to find a happy medium. Don't be so obsessive about weight loss that your man feels left out of your life. Your health is of utmost importance, but don't forget to live a little or what's the point of being healthy?
  • newyorkcitymom
    newyorkcitymom Posts: 48 Member
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    I just wanted to add a small note to say that you look AMAZING! I'm not 100% sure where the last 10lbs are going to come from, though I trust you that they are there. But you don't just look thin, you look healthy, strong, curvy and kind of ripped yourself. You basically have the body I used to have and am trying to get back. I hope you realize how great you look and take time to enjoy it. I really want to reiterate checking out the eat more to lose more board and you might want to check out body recomposition as it really feels like you're kind of "there". I could see it being a good experiment to slowly up your calories to your maintenance for a couple weeks, see what that feels like, enjoy it, focus on establishing habits that feel manageable and then slowly cutting a few hundred calories a day while lifting. I bet you'd lose those last 10lbs over a few months while losing inches, maintaining or even gaining muscle, upping your metabolism and really enjoying yourself. But regardless of what you do, just know that you look incredible. Enjoy it.
  • Kalikel
    Kalikel Posts: 9,626 Member
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    jemhh wrote: »
    Kalikel wrote: »
    jemhh wrote: »
    Kalikel wrote: »
    SLLRunner wrote: »
    Kalikel wrote: »
    slideaway1 wrote: »
    Kalikel wrote: »
    If the problem is that he wants you to eat fast food, dump him. If the problem is that he wants to be intimate, do that. If you don't want to...Honestly, if you don't want to be with the guy, that's a good reason for either of you to get over this relationship.

    That's pretty brutal. The man only wants a Burger King every now and then after a workout. :)
    No, he wants her to eat BK. Big difference.

    If your partner insists on telling you what to eat, they need to go. If they're telling you to eat things that are bad for you, they double need to go. But the "Eat what I tell you to eat or I'm leaving" thing...hold the door open for them to go.
    I've read this thread, and all I see is he's finding ways to bring back the intimacy, and eating out is one way. His ultimatum is he wants her back. There is no indication that he's telling her what to eat, or that if she didn't eat what he wants that she needs to go. In fact, you're projecting an awful lto here.
    What am I projecting? What has happened in my world?

    Do share. I would love to know.

    This should be fascinating.

    "Making a big leap" might fit better than "projecting" if I am understanding @SLLRunner , and I think I am (and am in agreement with her.)
    If he's insisting that she eat what he tells her to eat or he's leaving, she should let him go...or, better, invite him to leave.

    If he just wants to be closer, she has to decide if that's what she wants or not and then follow through with her choice.

    I can't find the part where he told her to eat what he tells her or he's leaving. Please point that out. I do see the part where he says that she needs to spend time with him, and that I can completely understand.
    I understand that, too. If there is no "You need to eat what I want you to eat," then it's a non-issue. Maybe she just happened to discuss that immediately before the Ultimatum paragraph and the two aren't connected.
  • PinkPixiexox
    PinkPixiexox Posts: 4,142 Member
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    Caitwn wrote: »
    You've gotten some great advice here so I won't repeat it. I do hear (and relate to) everything you are saying, though. and I feel for both you and your boyfriend. You absolutely can find ways to ease up a tad in order to create more breathing room for this relationship.

    The place where maybe I can offer a couple of practical suggestions that haven't yet been offered is about counseling. First, if you are worried that your medication may be increased, remember: it's your body. It's your life. If you've been adherent to your medication and your anxiety or depression has been manageable as a result, it is up to YOU whether or not you want to experiment with an increased dosage, even if it is recommended.

    If you've lost a fair amount of weight, it's possible your dosage may need to be decreased, not increased. When was the last time you checked on that? No need to reply to that here, btw. Just putting it out there for you to consider.

    If you ask for a referral to a therapist, SHOP AROUND. Interview your potential therapist. Tell them what you are looking for. Use phrases like "short-term, solution-focused therapy" (yes, that's a real thing), or "brief couples counseling". And therapists who use cognitive-behavioral approaches can be great for situations like yours where your main interest is shifting patterns of behavior or thinking that aren't getting you what you want.

    Basically, you want a therapist who can help you guys highlight the strengths in your relationship and build on those.

    It's possible (I am NOT trying to diagnose you here! Just tossing out a possibility) that some of what's going on is about needing to work through fears related to re-gaining weight, so you might want to consider a few sessions of individual counseling (often five sessions or so works well for the sort of "tune-up" counseling it sounds like you could benefit from) as well as a few sessions of couples counseling (again, just short-term), to focus on improving communication and identifying some strategies that you and your partner can use to improve the quality of your life together.

    If you get referred to a therapist who pushes for long-term therapy or starts wanting to dissect your relationship with your mother or focuses too much on medication (there's a time and place for that stuff, but it doesn't sound appropriate in your situation), then request a referral to a different therapist.

    I wish you and your partner the best, and hope you are able to find some solutions that work for you!

    Seriously, thank you SO much for this.
  • lorrpb
    lorrpb Posts: 11,464 Member
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    Congrats on all your hard work and success!! Do you have to eat the same food as him when you go out? Most fast food places offer salads and other reasonable options nowadays. Can you agree on places to eat where you both can get what you want?
  • PinkPixiexox
    PinkPixiexox Posts: 4,142 Member
    Options
    I just wanted to add a small note to say that you look AMAZING! I'm not 100% sure where the last 10lbs are going to come from, though I trust you that they are there. But you don't just look thin, you look healthy, strong, curvy and kind of ripped yourself. You basically have the body I used to have and am trying to get back. I hope you realize how great you look and take time to enjoy it. I really want to reiterate checking out the eat more to lose more board and you might want to check out body recomposition as it really feels like you're kind of "there". I could see it being a good experiment to slowly up your calories to your maintenance for a couple weeks, see what that feels like, enjoy it, focus on establishing habits that feel manageable and then slowly cutting a few hundred calories a day while lifting. I bet you'd lose those last 10lbs over a few months while losing inches, maintaining or even gaining muscle, upping your metabolism and really enjoying yourself. But regardless of what you do, just know that you look incredible. Enjoy it.

    I am blushing - but your words means a lot to me and you've boosted what little confidence I had at the moment, so thank you for that and I will definitely take what you said on board.

    I've had some incredible responses which just reinforces how positive and fantastic MFP really is. Thank you.
  • Duchy82
    Duchy82 Posts: 560 Member
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    I haven't read all of the post but from skimming there is soo much good advice here. You're admitting the current diet and exercise plan isn't sustainable so maybe start changing it now to a lifestyle instead of a diet. I understand you don't want to revert to your old self and you are driven to meet your end goal but this shouldn't be at the detriment of your social life or relationship. Whats the point of being healthy and thin and having no friends and having lost your relationship. There are really easy ways to go out have fun and spend time with the boyfriend, go for a walk, take a picnic (which you can prelog), allow yourself a day a week eating at maintenance it might slow down your weightloss slightly but will give you the opportunity to eat out without worrying over the deficit.

    Just as you are making time in your life to exercise you need to make time for your relationship these things don't look after themselves. As much as you are spending evenings at the gym you need to spend at least an evening with him, have a cudddle on the sofa, watch a film together with some popcorn. Intimacy will follow time spend together automatically i find. the other option to help with the intimacy is jump in the shower together at home after you've been to the gym, you can wash each other, the sexiness will follow automatically ;)

    How about a compromise if he want BK or KFC let him order a take out meal and eat together at home you can have your healthy meal he can have his junk food.

    I hope you can find the balance you are looking for.
  • callsitlikeiseeit
    callsitlikeiseeit Posts: 8,627 Member
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    You have to find a compromise, and thats within you because it doesn't really sound like HE has the problem.

    You can not live the rest of your life being so rigid you fear going to celebrations ,or parties or eating out. You simply can't. Okay, you COULD- but at what cost would that come?

    This is why I have my diary pubic. So people can see you can eat out, drink, and still lose weight. Yes, I work out, every day for the most part. It helps with the calories and gives me more to play with. But you work out too- there's no reason why you can't find room for 'life'. I would be MISERABLE if I felt I coudn't drink with my friends, or go out to lunch several times a week. And while I plan for it, it's not obsessive. If I go over- no biggie. Chances are, I still have a weekly deficit going strong, or I can reduce the next day or two if really needed (though I rarely find that to be the case)
  • kathrynjean_
    kathrynjean_ Posts: 428 Member
    Options
    I just wanted to add a small note to say that you look AMAZING! I'm not 100% sure where the last 10lbs are going to come from, though I trust you that they are there. But you don't just look thin, you look healthy, strong, curvy and kind of ripped yourself. You basically have the body I used to have and am trying to get back. I hope you realize how great you look and take time to enjoy it. I really want to reiterate checking out the eat more to lose more board and you might want to check out body recomposition as it really feels like you're kind of "there". I could see it being a good experiment to slowly up your calories to your maintenance for a couple weeks, see what that feels like, enjoy it, focus on establishing habits that feel manageable and then slowly cutting a few hundred calories a day while lifting. I bet you'd lose those last 10lbs over a few months while losing inches, maintaining or even gaining muscle, upping your metabolism and really enjoying yourself. But regardless of what you do, just know that you look incredible. Enjoy it.

    I am blushing - but your words means a lot to me and you've boosted what little confidence I had at the moment, so thank you for that and I will definitely take what you said on board.

    I've had some incredible responses which just reinforces how positive and fantastic MFP really is. Thank you.

    I just wanted to chime in again to echo how amazing you look!! Seriously! You are killing it and you've got this.
  • urloved33
    urloved33 Posts: 3,325 Member
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    LaceyBirds wrote: »
    Don't forget that you are not the only one that should have to compromise in this matter. You can become more intimate (probably the most important thing), go to restaurants, etc., but he needs to also compromise. One of those means he should accept that NOT getting fast food after the gym is something he can compromise on. That one, to me, is a blatant show of sabotage. If you DO go to those places, tell him it is only once or twice a week, not every time you go to the gym. Here are links to KFC and BK menus with nutrition data (which you probably have): kfc.com/nutrition/full-nutrition-guide
    https://bk.com/pdfs/nutrition.pdf When I am out for the day, and need to eat, I usually stop at BK and have a Whopper Junior without cheese or mayo. It fills me up, is emotionally satisfying when I am craving a burger, and is "only" 240 calories. Find other things with low calories at his favorite fast food places and only order those, with an iced tea, no lemon and no sugar (which won't appear as "obsessed" as ordering water). Since you already know that he will want to go there a lot, you can pre-plan this into your day.

    I agree that you need to look at this way of eating and exercise as a way of living, and that life must go on while you are losing, but I also think that losing this weight and getting healthier is a really important thing to do. While four and a half months may seem like a long time to him, it is not long at all in reality, and you really only have a few more months before you are into maintenance and the extra calories won't matter so much. If you were going to school, with a heavy class load and lots of homework, graduating in January, would he ask you to drop some classes and not graduate until summer so you could spend more time with him at Burger King? I would hope not. Your health and your own emotional well-being is just as, and probably more, important than that. I hope you can remember that and find a way to share that with him as well. Don't "fix" your relationship at your own expense.

    this ^^. .^^
  • raymax4
    raymax4 Posts: 6,070 Member
    Options
    I find myself eating out several times a week, so I have looked up all the restaurants that I frequent and found 2-3 go to meals that I can order on the menu. If its a new place I keep in mind the things that will work with my plan and try to log it on the way or in the restraunt. By now you know what works. most fast food places have salads the days, without the dressing they are doable. (I have a tendency to suggest something else like chipotle, I have a recipe logged into my recipe builder and add extras as i wish)
  • Kexessa
    Kexessa Posts: 346 Member
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    I haven't read the other replies so I apologize if this has been suggested.

    I've been married for 25 years. I've learned that a relationship is never going to work without compromise. It can't be 1 person's way 100% of the time. It simply can't. That works for both parties.

    If I were you, I'd make him part of the process. Lay the whole plan and thing out there. Explain how many calories a day you can/want to eat. Explain how calories work if you have to. Explain how often and for how long you'd like to work out. Explain why you work out.

    Then ask him for suggestions on how you can incorporate what you want into the type of life he wants to have with you. Ask his advice for how should you handle things. This includes him in the decision making process and makes your goals clearer while giving him a voice (which he deserves) in the path you take to reach them.

    It also gives him flexibility in planning things for you two to do. Maybe he'll start choosing restaurant B instead of A because they have a lower calorie dish you love. Maybe he'll plan a walk after dinner to offset a special dessert he wanted to share with you. Or plan a bike ride the next day.

    However you do it, he has to clearly understand what you want and he has to be a part of helping you achieve it. You can't just throw down the gauntlet and declare what you're doing, refusing to budge and not giving him a voice or choice.

    I can't help with the intimacy issues though, I'm sorry.

    I really, really hope you find a way. And you find a way to keep your relationship intact. You obviously want to be in this relationship or you wouldn't be asking for help. I'm almost 50 years old. In 20 years I'll be close to 70. Believe me when I tell you there is absolutely no substitute for a solid life partner. One you can depend on. Trust. Believe in. There is no replacement for the 8 years of shared history you have. There is no replacement for your boyfriend.

  • SueInAz
    SueInAz Posts: 6,592 Member
    edited September 2015
    Options
    Some seriously fantastic advice in here and it sounds like you're on the right path. I've read a lot of this with tears in my eyes and there are few things I know would help me in my own life. I just wanted to add a few things that occurred to me that might help.

    My sexual appetite isn't always great, either, but during the 31 years with my husband I've learned that I occasionally need to make an effort to initiate it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with sex while you're sweaty. I come in from a run and I'm literally dripping sweat (gross, right?) so what I'll sometimes do is casually mention I'm going to take a shower. I do this while slowly taking off my running gear where he can see me and giving him that "come hither" look (which is probably more me just staring uncomfortably at him than anything sexy). It always gets him up and out of his chair although he does always seem to let me get into the shower first so the sweat is rinsed off before he joins me. LOL

    Others have mentioned this I think but lift with your guy. I have a male co-worker whom I lift with in the company gym after work 2 or 3 times each week. We take turns for the lifts we're both doing, adding more weight for him and removing it for me after our sets. It doesn't take much more time than doing it alone and we have a chance to chat. Doing things together is almost always more fun than doing it alone.

    You're down to the last 10 pounds. It's going to take awhile to get to goal anyway and once you get there, then what? There isn't a prize and a party; life just goes on. Now is a good time to move more into "maintenance mode" and learn how to sustain your weight loss going forward. Learn to live without such a death grip on your control over food. You have already said you aren't planning to live like you have been forever, start living like you plan to forever now.
  • justrollme
    justrollme Posts: 802 Member
    Options
    This thread makes me a tiny bit sad for you. This is someone you've been with for 8 years, and over a span of a short 4 months he's decided that not enough attention is being paid to him so he's making you feel "selfish" that you are working on your health and your body. I've read a lot of your posts, and they are filled with optimism, tales of success and a lot of really great, positive feelings about how you've worked through things and how far you've come.

    I hope you are able to find a balance that you feel you need to keep your relationship but an ultimatum like that seems a bit like a childish thing for him to do. I think you should consider that it could be some insecurity on his part as well - neither one of these things are your problems to fix.

    I have to second most of this post, because my thoughts were much the same. The only difference is that when your partner has a problem with insecurity (as yours may or may not), even though that is his problem to fix, it is still your problem with which to be aware and consider. As a sometime-poster/frequent-lurker, I have noticed your delightfully positive attitude, kindness with words and effervescence. Wow, I actually spelled that right? I totally expected a red squiggly underline there. I'm sure that a heart-to-heart with him about what your lifestyle changes and journey means not just to you, but to both of you, could reassure him.

    Forgive me if I'm repeating stuff, I haven't carefully read through all four pages of replies yet, but the only other thing I'd point out is that there are loads and loads of other things for the pair of you to do that don't involve a meal or even fitness, necessarily. Maybe find one or two things that you can enjoy together, and doing something like that can rekindle a closeness that will lead right back to intimacy. Good luck, PinkPixie! (You're like the Tinkerbell of MFP...and I mean that in the cutest way possible. :) )
  • StaciMarie1974
    StaciMarie1974 Posts: 4,138 Member
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    There are a lot of replies, so what I have to add may have already been said. But just in case...

    You have to find a sort of balance. You'll end up miserable (and alone) if you let obsessive behavior take too much control. One way is to learn to trust yourself to make wise food decisions, and estimate occasionally as needed. If eating out and you are not 100% sure of the menu/nutrition then there are ways to keep it relatively simple. Lean mean without sauce/glaze. Salad w/ a light dressing on the side. Veggies. You can log those with a reasonable amount of accuracy.

    You can also become more familiar with fast food restaurants - so you'll have an idea of what can 'fit' into your day if your significant other wants to grab food on the go. Even 'rubbish' food. A small fries & double cheeseburger at McDs is ~660 calories. Small fries & filet o fish with no cheese/light tartar sauce is about 100 cals less. Plenty of places now have salad/grilled chicken items on the menu.

    And its also ok to take a day where you eat at maintenance. Do you have a 500, 750, 1000 calorie deficit built into your day? THink of all the things you can fit into your day's food if you allow yourself to eat at maintenance? Even if you wipe out the deficit for a day, its not going to set your weight loss back and it can help maintain your sanity.

    While there is nothing wrong with committing to making a better you, its also important to find time for family. Sometimes that means putting your workout on the back burner though you can hopefully find a way to fit everything in.