My 'Healthy Lifestyle' is ruining my relationship.
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newyorkcitymom wrote: »I just wanted to add a small note to say that you look AMAZING! I'm not 100% sure where the last 10lbs are going to come from, though I trust you that they are there. But you don't just look thin, you look healthy, strong, curvy and kind of ripped yourself. You basically have the body I used to have and am trying to get back. I hope you realize how great you look and take time to enjoy it. I really want to reiterate checking out the eat more to lose more board and you might want to check out body recomposition as it really feels like you're kind of "there". I could see it being a good experiment to slowly up your calories to your maintenance for a couple weeks, see what that feels like, enjoy it, focus on establishing habits that feel manageable and then slowly cutting a few hundred calories a day while lifting. I bet you'd lose those last 10lbs over a few months while losing inches, maintaining or even gaining muscle, upping your metabolism and really enjoying yourself. But regardless of what you do, just know that you look incredible. Enjoy it.
I am blushing - but your words means a lot to me and you've boosted what little confidence I had at the moment, so thank you for that and I will definitely take what you said on board.
I've had some incredible responses which just reinforces how positive and fantastic MFP really is. Thank you.0 -
I haven't read all of the post but from skimming there is soo much good advice here. You're admitting the current diet and exercise plan isn't sustainable so maybe start changing it now to a lifestyle instead of a diet. I understand you don't want to revert to your old self and you are driven to meet your end goal but this shouldn't be at the detriment of your social life or relationship. Whats the point of being healthy and thin and having no friends and having lost your relationship. There are really easy ways to go out have fun and spend time with the boyfriend, go for a walk, take a picnic (which you can prelog), allow yourself a day a week eating at maintenance it might slow down your weightloss slightly but will give you the opportunity to eat out without worrying over the deficit.
Just as you are making time in your life to exercise you need to make time for your relationship these things don't look after themselves. As much as you are spending evenings at the gym you need to spend at least an evening with him, have a cudddle on the sofa, watch a film together with some popcorn. Intimacy will follow time spend together automatically i find. the other option to help with the intimacy is jump in the shower together at home after you've been to the gym, you can wash each other, the sexiness will follow automatically
How about a compromise if he want BK or KFC let him order a take out meal and eat together at home you can have your healthy meal he can have his junk food.
I hope you can find the balance you are looking for.0 -
You have to find a compromise, and thats within you because it doesn't really sound like HE has the problem.
You can not live the rest of your life being so rigid you fear going to celebrations ,or parties or eating out. You simply can't. Okay, you COULD- but at what cost would that come?
This is why I have my diary pubic. So people can see you can eat out, drink, and still lose weight. Yes, I work out, every day for the most part. It helps with the calories and gives me more to play with. But you work out too- there's no reason why you can't find room for 'life'. I would be MISERABLE if I felt I coudn't drink with my friends, or go out to lunch several times a week. And while I plan for it, it's not obsessive. If I go over- no biggie. Chances are, I still have a weekly deficit going strong, or I can reduce the next day or two if really needed (though I rarely find that to be the case)0 -
PinkPixiexox wrote: »newyorkcitymom wrote: »I just wanted to add a small note to say that you look AMAZING! I'm not 100% sure where the last 10lbs are going to come from, though I trust you that they are there. But you don't just look thin, you look healthy, strong, curvy and kind of ripped yourself. You basically have the body I used to have and am trying to get back. I hope you realize how great you look and take time to enjoy it. I really want to reiterate checking out the eat more to lose more board and you might want to check out body recomposition as it really feels like you're kind of "there". I could see it being a good experiment to slowly up your calories to your maintenance for a couple weeks, see what that feels like, enjoy it, focus on establishing habits that feel manageable and then slowly cutting a few hundred calories a day while lifting. I bet you'd lose those last 10lbs over a few months while losing inches, maintaining or even gaining muscle, upping your metabolism and really enjoying yourself. But regardless of what you do, just know that you look incredible. Enjoy it.
I am blushing - but your words means a lot to me and you've boosted what little confidence I had at the moment, so thank you for that and I will definitely take what you said on board.
I've had some incredible responses which just reinforces how positive and fantastic MFP really is. Thank you.
I just wanted to chime in again to echo how amazing you look!! Seriously! You are killing it and you've got this.0 -
LaceyBirds wrote: »Don't forget that you are not the only one that should have to compromise in this matter. You can become more intimate (probably the most important thing), go to restaurants, etc., but he needs to also compromise. One of those means he should accept that NOT getting fast food after the gym is something he can compromise on. That one, to me, is a blatant show of sabotage. If you DO go to those places, tell him it is only once or twice a week, not every time you go to the gym. Here are links to KFC and BK menus with nutrition data (which you probably have): kfc.com/nutrition/full-nutrition-guide
https://bk.com/pdfs/nutrition.pdf When I am out for the day, and need to eat, I usually stop at BK and have a Whopper Junior without cheese or mayo. It fills me up, is emotionally satisfying when I am craving a burger, and is "only" 240 calories. Find other things with low calories at his favorite fast food places and only order those, with an iced tea, no lemon and no sugar (which won't appear as "obsessed" as ordering water). Since you already know that he will want to go there a lot, you can pre-plan this into your day.
I agree that you need to look at this way of eating and exercise as a way of living, and that life must go on while you are losing, but I also think that losing this weight and getting healthier is a really important thing to do. While four and a half months may seem like a long time to him, it is not long at all in reality, and you really only have a few more months before you are into maintenance and the extra calories won't matter so much. If you were going to school, with a heavy class load and lots of homework, graduating in January, would he ask you to drop some classes and not graduate until summer so you could spend more time with him at Burger King? I would hope not. Your health and your own emotional well-being is just as, and probably more, important than that. I hope you can remember that and find a way to share that with him as well. Don't "fix" your relationship at your own expense.
this ^^. .^^0 -
I find myself eating out several times a week, so I have looked up all the restaurants that I frequent and found 2-3 go to meals that I can order on the menu. If its a new place I keep in mind the things that will work with my plan and try to log it on the way or in the restraunt. By now you know what works. most fast food places have salads the days, without the dressing they are doable. (I have a tendency to suggest something else like chipotle, I have a recipe logged into my recipe builder and add extras as i wish)0
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I haven't read the other replies so I apologize if this has been suggested.
I've been married for 25 years. I've learned that a relationship is never going to work without compromise. It can't be 1 person's way 100% of the time. It simply can't. That works for both parties.
If I were you, I'd make him part of the process. Lay the whole plan and thing out there. Explain how many calories a day you can/want to eat. Explain how calories work if you have to. Explain how often and for how long you'd like to work out. Explain why you work out.
Then ask him for suggestions on how you can incorporate what you want into the type of life he wants to have with you. Ask his advice for how should you handle things. This includes him in the decision making process and makes your goals clearer while giving him a voice (which he deserves) in the path you take to reach them.
It also gives him flexibility in planning things for you two to do. Maybe he'll start choosing restaurant B instead of A because they have a lower calorie dish you love. Maybe he'll plan a walk after dinner to offset a special dessert he wanted to share with you. Or plan a bike ride the next day.
However you do it, he has to clearly understand what you want and he has to be a part of helping you achieve it. You can't just throw down the gauntlet and declare what you're doing, refusing to budge and not giving him a voice or choice.
I can't help with the intimacy issues though, I'm sorry.
I really, really hope you find a way. And you find a way to keep your relationship intact. You obviously want to be in this relationship or you wouldn't be asking for help. I'm almost 50 years old. In 20 years I'll be close to 70. Believe me when I tell you there is absolutely no substitute for a solid life partner. One you can depend on. Trust. Believe in. There is no replacement for the 8 years of shared history you have. There is no replacement for your boyfriend.
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Some seriously fantastic advice in here and it sounds like you're on the right path. I've read a lot of this with tears in my eyes and there are few things I know would help me in my own life. I just wanted to add a few things that occurred to me that might help.
My sexual appetite isn't always great, either, but during the 31 years with my husband I've learned that I occasionally need to make an effort to initiate it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with sex while you're sweaty. I come in from a run and I'm literally dripping sweat (gross, right?) so what I'll sometimes do is casually mention I'm going to take a shower. I do this while slowly taking off my running gear where he can see me and giving him that "come hither" look (which is probably more me just staring uncomfortably at him than anything sexy). It always gets him up and out of his chair although he does always seem to let me get into the shower first so the sweat is rinsed off before he joins me. LOL
Others have mentioned this I think but lift with your guy. I have a male co-worker whom I lift with in the company gym after work 2 or 3 times each week. We take turns for the lifts we're both doing, adding more weight for him and removing it for me after our sets. It doesn't take much more time than doing it alone and we have a chance to chat. Doing things together is almost always more fun than doing it alone.
You're down to the last 10 pounds. It's going to take awhile to get to goal anyway and once you get there, then what? There isn't a prize and a party; life just goes on. Now is a good time to move more into "maintenance mode" and learn how to sustain your weight loss going forward. Learn to live without such a death grip on your control over food. You have already said you aren't planning to live like you have been forever, start living like you plan to forever now.0 -
withaflourish wrote: »This thread makes me a tiny bit sad for you. This is someone you've been with for 8 years, and over a span of a short 4 months he's decided that not enough attention is being paid to him so he's making you feel "selfish" that you are working on your health and your body. I've read a lot of your posts, and they are filled with optimism, tales of success and a lot of really great, positive feelings about how you've worked through things and how far you've come.
I hope you are able to find a balance that you feel you need to keep your relationship but an ultimatum like that seems a bit like a childish thing for him to do. I think you should consider that it could be some insecurity on his part as well - neither one of these things are your problems to fix.
I have to second most of this post, because my thoughts were much the same. The only difference is that when your partner has a problem with insecurity (as yours may or may not), even though that is his problem to fix, it is still your problem with which to be aware and consider. As a sometime-poster/frequent-lurker, I have noticed your delightfully positive attitude, kindness with words and effervescence. Wow, I actually spelled that right? I totally expected a red squiggly underline there. I'm sure that a heart-to-heart with him about what your lifestyle changes and journey means not just to you, but to both of you, could reassure him.
Forgive me if I'm repeating stuff, I haven't carefully read through all four pages of replies yet, but the only other thing I'd point out is that there are loads and loads of other things for the pair of you to do that don't involve a meal or even fitness, necessarily. Maybe find one or two things that you can enjoy together, and doing something like that can rekindle a closeness that will lead right back to intimacy. Good luck, PinkPixie! (You're like the Tinkerbell of MFP...and I mean that in the cutest way possible.
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There are a lot of replies, so what I have to add may have already been said. But just in case...
You have to find a sort of balance. You'll end up miserable (and alone) if you let obsessive behavior take too much control. One way is to learn to trust yourself to make wise food decisions, and estimate occasionally as needed. If eating out and you are not 100% sure of the menu/nutrition then there are ways to keep it relatively simple. Lean mean without sauce/glaze. Salad w/ a light dressing on the side. Veggies. You can log those with a reasonable amount of accuracy.
You can also become more familiar with fast food restaurants - so you'll have an idea of what can 'fit' into your day if your significant other wants to grab food on the go. Even 'rubbish' food. A small fries & double cheeseburger at McDs is ~660 calories. Small fries & filet o fish with no cheese/light tartar sauce is about 100 cals less. Plenty of places now have salad/grilled chicken items on the menu.
And its also ok to take a day where you eat at maintenance. Do you have a 500, 750, 1000 calorie deficit built into your day? THink of all the things you can fit into your day's food if you allow yourself to eat at maintenance? Even if you wipe out the deficit for a day, its not going to set your weight loss back and it can help maintain your sanity.
While there is nothing wrong with committing to making a better you, its also important to find time for family. Sometimes that means putting your workout on the back burner though you can hopefully find a way to fit everything in.0 -
Y0
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never mind. 0
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What am I projecting? What has happened in my world?
I've read this thread, and all I see is he's finding ways to bring back the intimacy, and eating out is one way. His ultimatum is he wants her back. There is no indication that he's telling her what to eat, or that if she didn't eat what he wants that she needs to go. In fact, you're projecting an awful lto here.
No, he wants her to eat BK. Big difference.slideaway1 wrote: »If the problem is that he wants you to eat fast food, dump him. If the problem is that he wants to be intimate, do that. If you don't want to...Honestly, if you don't want to be with the guy, that's a good reason for either of you to get over this relationship.
That's pretty brutal. The man only wants a Burger King every now and then after a workout.
If your partner insists on telling you what to eat, they need to go. If they're telling you to eat things that are bad for you, they double need to go. But the "Eat what I tell you to eat or I'm leaving" thing...hold the door open for them to go.
Do share. I would love to know.
This should be fascinating.
For the love of god, PLEASE do not derail this thread. This OP is sincerely asking for help, and most of the responses she is getting are potentially helpful not only for her, but for others as well. If you want to get into a back-and-forth between yourself and the person who says you are projecting, feel free. Just PLEASE don't do it here. That's what PMs are for.
Thank you, I agree.0 -
There are sooooo many good posts already. I wanted to let you know that you've done so well and you look amazing! Celebrate that!! Seriously!
Another thing I wanted to add is that I have a friend that is prepping for a competition, she's still allowed one cheat meal a week. There's so many ways you could also do that. Lower calories the day of, or following, or exercise more...or just lose a little less weight in a week. You don't need to go absolutely wild on your cheat meal but it allows for some flexibility and a date night with your man.
Also, I feel like the intimacy thing is very important. People want to feel wanted. Not being intimate with your SO will leave him feeling unwanted. You should really try to just do it...I usually find that even if I don't want to do it at the start...I usually end up enjoying myself and then wanting it more. And, if it helps, just think of the calories you burn! 0 -
I apologize if any of this has been said but I don't have the time to read all the responses before I post. I just wanted to share my 2 cents on what I do and maybe it will help you or maybe not. I have a boyfriend who is extremely thin and can eat anything under the sun because his job is so active, without gaining any weight. He loves candy and fast food so there is always candy on my counter and going out to eat is always going to be a part of my life. I decided from the beginning that my best bet at staying on track without it disrupting my everyday life too often was to save the majority of my calories for the evening. This way I have calories "in case" we go out and if not then I can enjoy some wine (daily staple for me just about) or even a goodie. I shoot to only consume half or just over half of my calories by the end of my work day leaving a good chunk for the evening. This leaves me plenty of options for eating just about anywhere. If I happen to have ate more in the day and we go out then I have to choose to either go over or make smarter choices. Most places will let you switch out things or make changes. If you are going to BK or something like that get a burger but don't eat the bun, saves you close to 200 calories (depending on the bun obviously). Don't let counting calories consume you to the point of risking your relationship. It just takes a few tricks to balance things out. Feel free to friend me if you want to swap ideas!0
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I literally have tears in my eyes from all of your incredible, kind and honest posts. I needed to reach out somewhere - anywhere - because I was becoming very sad with the way things were progressing. I don't have an eating disorder and I do make sure I fuel my body sufficiently but what I DO have is an irrational fear of gaining weight. I have been overweight all of my life. Not being overweight is totally new to me. Sometimes I am still the 'fat girl' in my head despite being visibly smaller than I was.
I don't mean to sound over the top - but all of your comments and advice I have taken on board and you may have saved my relationship of 8 years. I sat my boyfriend down this evening and laid it out on the table - exactly how I feel and how I've felt trapped in this strange 'healthy prison'. I actually showed him this post and every single one of your replies. We both agreed with every thing said and we both decided that I need some kind of talking therapy to help me change my attitude toward weight gain. I put so much importance on those weekly losses to the detriment of my happiness and every one around me.
I definitely feel like I have 'woken up' from a very bad situation - literally, thanks to each and every one of you. I will allow myself to loosen up every now and again and I will no longer beat myself up over an meal out or a special occasion with friends or .. a piece of cake! I know to most it's just a simple post on a forum - but I can't begin to tell you how valuable your advice has been for me. For my relationship. Thank you all and lots of love 0 -
I just wanted to add-- I love how much info we have on our smart phones, and you sound like you like to have some control over things, but he's the opposite and wants to just roll with it. You can give him the illusion you're being super easy going by tossing out a few restaurants for him to pick from.
Use the notepad app (or something similar) and list out all the retaurants near you, find their menus, jot down the low-calorie options. Even Red Robin which is a calorie pig-pile has a choice or two, if you've got the time to analyze their website info. Then when he suggests you go out, you've got a list of choices that are sensible. So you can say YES, I'm down for X, Y, Or Z, what do you feel like?0 -
PinkPixiexox wrote: »...We rarely go out for the day because I am reluctant to eat the ‘rubbish’ he eats. He likes to stop off at all sorts of high calorie restaurants (he isn’t overweight - he is in amazing shape and incredibly ‘ripped’) and I have to first of all research the restaurant and plan etc etc etc. I can't really do 'impulsive trips' out because I am a pre-logger. It just doesn't work for me.
If we go to the gym together, he regularly asks me if I would like to stop off at KFC or BK afterwards for a meal as he's hungry. I always decline because I have my food at home and it's accounted for in my calorie tracker. I don't want to go to BK or KFC straight after a work-out.
I think this can be solved by planning and communication. Once you've done the research for the restaurants, you have a sense of what you can eat where.
What if some gym nights he has food for him at home as well and other nights you pre-agree to grab something afterwards so you can prelog it?
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PinkPixiexox wrote: »I literally have tears in my eyes from all of your incredible, kind and honest posts. I needed to reach out somewhere - anywhere - because I was becoming very sad with the way things were progressing. I don't have an eating disorder and I do make sure I fuel my body sufficiently but what I DO have is an irrational fear of gaining weight. I have been overweight all of my life. Not being overweight is totally new to me. Sometimes I am still the 'fat girl' in my head despite being visibly smaller than I was.
I don't mean to sound over the top - but all of your comments and advice I have taken on board and you may have saved my relationship of 8 years. I sat my boyfriend down this evening and laid it out on the table - exactly how I feel and how I've felt trapped in this strange 'healthy prison'. I actually showed him this post and every single one of your replies. We both agreed with every thing said and we both decided that I need some kind of talking therapy to help me change my attitude toward weight gain. I put so much importance on those weekly losses to the detriment of my happiness and every one around me.
I definitely feel like I have 'woken up' from a very bad situation - literally, thanks to each and every one of you. I will allow myself to loosen up every now and again and I will no longer beat myself up over an meal out or a special occasion with friends or .. a piece of cake! I know to most it's just a simple post on a forum - but I can't begin to tell you how valuable your advice has been for me. For my relationship. Thank you all and lots of love
Awesome to hear!0 -
PinkPixiexox wrote: »...Intimacy is an issue because I literally never want to be intimate. I think this is purely down to my ‘work,gym,food prep’ schedule – I just have absolutely no desire to be intimate because to me, there are other things I can be doing .. and I don’t feel particularly sexy when I come home from the gym, sweaty and wanting to eat.. Ya know? I have spent a fair few months trying to alter my body and I don't think that helps me get 'in the zone' so to speak. Apologies if this is a little 'much' for a weight loss forum - but it's become a huge problem.
Assuming this is not a medication issue, I think it's another thing that can be solved by planning. If you want to have sex on gym nights, don't overdo it at the gym, grab something light to eat on the way home, and plan to shower. However, an exclusive date night may be better to create emotional intimacy as a prelude to physical intimacy. Or he can send you naughty texts while at the gym, lol.
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I can relate to that fear, perfectly understandable. You are a new woman, now with a renewed relationship. You are doing so many things right.0
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Maybe you could research a few restaurants for some good choices so the next time he suggests a spontaneous dinner out you can recommend one of those places and you'll know what you can order there. This way it will be spontaneous but still "pre-determined" for you. I've checked out lots of places that we used to frequent and I have it in my mind what I'll order if my husband suggests going to one of them.0
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What am I projecting? What has happened in my world?
I've read this thread, and all I see is he's finding ways to bring back the intimacy, and eating out is one way. His ultimatum is he wants her back. There is no indication that he's telling her what to eat, or that if she didn't eat what he wants that she needs to go. In fact, you're projecting an awful lto here.
No, he wants her to eat BK. Big difference.slideaway1 wrote: »If the problem is that he wants you to eat fast food, dump him. If the problem is that he wants to be intimate, do that. If you don't want to...Honestly, if you don't want to be with the guy, that's a good reason for either of you to get over this relationship.
That's pretty brutal. The man only wants a Burger King every now and then after a workout.
If your partner insists on telling you what to eat, they need to go. If they're telling you to eat things that are bad for you, they double need to go. But the "Eat what I tell you to eat or I'm leaving" thing...hold the door open for them to go.
Do share. I would love to know.
This should be fascinating.
For the love of god, PLEASE do not derail this thread. This OP is sincerely asking for help, and most of the responses she is getting are potentially helpful not only for her, but for others as well. If you want to get into a back-and-forth between yourself and the person who says you are projecting, feel free. Just PLEASE don't do it here. That's what PMs are for.
I agree . Each thread usually gets derailed by certain people making wild assumptions, or being just plain wrong . its sad because none of that helps the op ( who is clearly looking for advice and is participating in her post ) . but for whatever reason , these few are allowed to derail over and over again then play the victim role to the mods. Smh.0 -
I think you might need some therapy. Honestly, you seem to have a problem. If you can't make time for intimacy and never want to go out you are obsessed and that is very unhealthy. I can't blame your boyfriend at all for being upset. If you don't change something, you will be alone and have all the time in the world to weigh, measure, and prep...because you will have no relationships in your life.
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If he's insisting that she eat what he tells her to eat or he's leaving, she should let him go...or, better, invite him to leave.
What am I projecting? What has happened in my world?
I've read this thread, and all I see is he's finding ways to bring back the intimacy, and eating out is one way. His ultimatum is he wants her back. There is no indication that he's telling her what to eat, or that if she didn't eat what he wants that she needs to go. In fact, you're projecting an awful lto here.
No, he wants her to eat BK. Big difference.slideaway1 wrote: »If the problem is that he wants you to eat fast food, dump him. If the problem is that he wants to be intimate, do that. If you don't want to...Honestly, if you don't want to be with the guy, that's a good reason for either of you to get over this relationship.
That's pretty brutal. The man only wants a Burger King every now and then after a workout.
If your partner insists on telling you what to eat, they need to go. If they're telling you to eat things that are bad for you, they double need to go. But the "Eat what I tell you to eat or I'm leaving" thing...hold the door open for them to go.
Do share. I would love to know.
This should be fascinating.
"Making a big leap" might fit better than "projecting" if I am understanding @SLLRunner , and I think I am (and am in agreement with her.)
If he just wants to be closer, she has to decide if that's what she wants or not and then follow through with her choice.
There is nothing in this post that indicates he is being controlling like you are inferring. He is frustrated due to feeling left out or behind by her and wanting time together such as going out for a burger at BK or to KFC. While you may not be projecting, I think you are reading things into this that are not there.0 -
MoiAussi93 wrote: »I think you might need some therapy. Honestly, you seem to have a problem. If you can't make time for intimacy and never want to go out you are obsessed and that is very unhealthy. I can't blame your boyfriend at all for being upset. If you don't change something, you will be alone and have all the time in the world to weight, measure, and prep...because you will have no relationships in your life.
That's pretty harsh. The problems OP has stated are common across about 99.9% of the population. She'll get though it just fine.
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I cannot really add much. Lots of good advice.0
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PinkPixiexox wrote: »I literally have tears in my eyes from all of your incredible, kind and honest posts. I needed to reach out somewhere - anywhere - because I was becoming very sad with the way things were progressing. I don't have an eating disorder and I do make sure I fuel my body sufficiently but what I DO have is an irrational fear of gaining weight. I have been overweight all of my life. Not being overweight is totally new to me. Sometimes I am still the 'fat girl' in my head despite being visibly smaller than I was.
I don't mean to sound over the top - but all of your comments and advice I have taken on board and you may have saved my relationship of 8 years. I sat my boyfriend down this evening and laid it out on the table - exactly how I feel and how I've felt trapped in this strange 'healthy prison'. I actually showed him this post and every single one of your replies. We both agreed with every thing said and we both decided that I need some kind of talking therapy to help me change my attitude toward weight gain. I put so much importance on those weekly losses to the detriment of my happiness and every one around me.
I definitely feel like I have 'woken up' from a very bad situation - literally, thanks to each and every one of you. I will allow myself to loosen up every now and again and I will no longer beat myself up over an meal out or a special occasion with friends or .. a piece of cake! I know to most it's just a simple post on a forum - but I can't begin to tell you how valuable your advice has been for me. For my relationship. Thank you all and lots of love
I am so happy to read this! I know it must have been difficult to open this discussion with your boyfriend. I hope you, your boyfriend and your relationship blossom!0 -
PinkPixiexox wrote: »Hi every one :]
I’ve been on my plan for around 4 and a half months and I have lost 30lbs. It has been challenging at times and I’ve had to work really, really hard at staying motivated. The good thing about me – once I start, I won’t quit. Losing motivation simply doesn't happen because I'm stubborn like that. It can be awkward when I’m invited to social events where eating a load of food is involved because I have been guilty of making my excuses and not attending purely for the fact that I don’t want to eat over my deficit.
This is an ongoing struggle for me. The idea of ‘eating out’ has to be planned rigidly. I need to know where we are going (so I can research the calorie information of said restaurant beforehand) and the time we are going (So I can work my other daily meals around the ‘event’) . This is proving extremely detrimental to my relationship of almost 8 years.
I feel that, with each pound lost, a percentage of support goes with it. When I started out 4 months ago, my boyfriend gave me all the support in the world. I was overweight and miserable about it & my doctor said I needed to lose the weight. Now he seems to resent the fact that I am – and I quote – ‘always in my gym clothes now’ and I don’t make time for intimacy and days out with him because I’m either too obsessed over working out or I am reluctant to go out and ‘ruin’ my deficit. His words – but he isn’t exactly wrong there.
Intimacy is an issue because I literally never want to be intimate. I think this is purely down to my ‘work,gym,food prep’ schedule – I just have absolutely no desire to be intimate because to me, there are other things I can be doing .. and I don’t feel particularly sexy when I come home from the gym, sweaty and wanting to eat.. Ya know? I have spent a fair few months trying to alter my body and I don't think that helps me get 'in the zone' so to speak. Apologies if this is a little 'much' for a weight loss forum - but it's become a huge problem.
We rarely go out for the day because I am reluctant to eat the ‘rubbish’ he eats. He likes to stop off at all sorts of high calorie restaurants (he isn’t overweight - he is in amazing shape and incredibly ‘ripped’) and I have to first of all research the restaurant and plan etc etc etc. I can't really do 'impulsive trips' out because I am a pre-logger. It just doesn't work for me.
If we go to the gym together, he regularly asks me if I would like to stop off at KFC or BK afterwards for a meal as he's hungry. I always decline because I have my food at home and it's accounted for in my calorie tracker. I don't want to go to BK or KFC straight after a work-out.
He gave me an ultimatum last night. He told me I need to relax and start spending more time on him. I explained that stopping the gym and not eating healthily is just not an option for me – and he said he didn’t expect me to do either, but I also don’t think he understands how hard I have to work to get to goal and how consistency is key.
I really don’t want to lose my relationship for the sake of a lifestyle change. I’m hitting my goals but.. I’m sad. I don’t want to be alone and I don’t want my ‘sensible plans’ to ruin us. I need to find some kind of balance but it's really difficult and I just don't know what to do. If anyone has any advice, I'd appreciate it hugely. Thankyou so much.
You are getting healthy for you. You eat healthy for you. You exercise because its something that makes you feel powerful. Your boyfriend is scared that you will find someone better. Men like their egos stroked. They like to know that their lady has her heart pinned only to him. Having said all that, you are not the problem, he is. If he truely cared about you, (and because he gave you an ultimatum Im questioning that...), then he would support you no matter what. This journey doesn't have an ending. Its call living a mindful, healthy lifestyle. You need to set him down and tell him whats what. Don't get sad, get mad. Eating healthy, exercising, is called respecting yourself, and putting yourself first. Am I abit harsh, maybe, but I finally "got it" and my husband is my cheering squad so its kind of personal.0 -
MoiAussi93 wrote: »I think you might need some therapy. Honestly, you seem to have a problem. If you can't make time for intimacy and never want to go out you are obsessed and that is very unhealthy. I can't blame your boyfriend at all for being upset. If you don't change something, you will be alone and have all the time in the world to weight, measure, and prep...because you will have no relationships in your life.
That's pretty harsh. The problems OP has stated are common across about 99.9% of the population. She'll get though it just fine.
Not wanting to have sex or spend time with your significant other is NOT common in 99.9% of the population. That is not normal. Romantic relationships generally involve intimacy...it is a requirement for many people. And everybody wants to spend time with their partner. If my boyfriend stopped wanting to have sex with me, stopped wanting to spend the day with me, stopped wanting to go to any social engagements with me...he wouldn't be my boyfriend for very long.
Not harsh...honest.
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