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My 'Healthy Lifestyle' is ruining my relationship.
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I apologize if any of this has been said but I don't have the time to read all the responses before I post. I just wanted to share my 2 cents on what I do and maybe it will help you or maybe not. I have a boyfriend who is extremely thin and can eat anything under the sun because his job is so active, without gaining any weight. He loves candy and fast food so there is always candy on my counter and going out to eat is always going to be a part of my life. I decided from the beginning that my best bet at staying on track without it disrupting my everyday life too often was to save the majority of my calories for the evening. This way I have calories "in case" we go out and if not then I can enjoy some wine (daily staple for me just about) or even a goodie. I shoot to only consume half or just over half of my calories by the end of my work day leaving a good chunk for the evening. This leaves me plenty of options for eating just about anywhere. If I happen to have ate more in the day and we go out then I have to choose to either go over or make smarter choices. Most places will let you switch out things or make changes. If you are going to BK or something like that get a burger but don't eat the bun, saves you close to 200 calories (depending on the bun obviously). Don't let counting calories consume you to the point of risking your relationship. It just takes a few tricks to balance things out. Feel free to friend me if you want to swap ideas!0
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I literally have tears in my eyes from all of your incredible, kind and honest posts. I needed to reach out somewhere - anywhere - because I was becoming very sad with the way things were progressing. I don't have an eating disorder and I do make sure I fuel my body sufficiently but what I DO have is an irrational fear of gaining weight. I have been overweight all of my life. Not being overweight is totally new to me. Sometimes I am still the 'fat girl' in my head despite being visibly smaller than I was.
I don't mean to sound over the top - but all of your comments and advice I have taken on board and you may have saved my relationship of 8 years. I sat my boyfriend down this evening and laid it out on the table - exactly how I feel and how I've felt trapped in this strange 'healthy prison'. I actually showed him this post and every single one of your replies. We both agreed with every thing said and we both decided that I need some kind of talking therapy to help me change my attitude toward weight gain. I put so much importance on those weekly losses to the detriment of my happiness and every one around me.
I definitely feel like I have 'woken up' from a very bad situation - literally, thanks to each and every one of you. I will allow myself to loosen up every now and again and I will no longer beat myself up over an meal out or a special occasion with friends or .. a piece of cake! I know to most it's just a simple post on a forum - but I can't begin to tell you how valuable your advice has been for me. For my relationship. Thank you all and lots of love
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I just wanted to add-- I love how much info we have on our smart phones, and you sound like you like to have some control over things, but he's the opposite and wants to just roll with it. You can give him the illusion you're being super easy going by tossing out a few restaurants for him to pick from.
Use the notepad app (or something similar) and list out all the retaurants near you, find their menus, jot down the low-calorie options. Even Red Robin which is a calorie pig-pile has a choice or two, if you've got the time to analyze their website info. Then when he suggests you go out, you've got a list of choices that are sensible. So you can say YES, I'm down for X, Y, Or Z, what do you feel like?0 -
PinkPixiexox wrote: »...We rarely go out for the day because I am reluctant to eat the ‘rubbish’ he eats. He likes to stop off at all sorts of high calorie restaurants (he isn’t overweight - he is in amazing shape and incredibly ‘ripped’) and I have to first of all research the restaurant and plan etc etc etc. I can't really do 'impulsive trips' out because I am a pre-logger. It just doesn't work for me.
If we go to the gym together, he regularly asks me if I would like to stop off at KFC or BK afterwards for a meal as he's hungry. I always decline because I have my food at home and it's accounted for in my calorie tracker. I don't want to go to BK or KFC straight after a work-out.
I think this can be solved by planning and communication. Once you've done the research for the restaurants, you have a sense of what you can eat where.
What if some gym nights he has food for him at home as well and other nights you pre-agree to grab something afterwards so you can prelog it?
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PinkPixiexox wrote: »I literally have tears in my eyes from all of your incredible, kind and honest posts. I needed to reach out somewhere - anywhere - because I was becoming very sad with the way things were progressing. I don't have an eating disorder and I do make sure I fuel my body sufficiently but what I DO have is an irrational fear of gaining weight. I have been overweight all of my life. Not being overweight is totally new to me. Sometimes I am still the 'fat girl' in my head despite being visibly smaller than I was.
I don't mean to sound over the top - but all of your comments and advice I have taken on board and you may have saved my relationship of 8 years. I sat my boyfriend down this evening and laid it out on the table - exactly how I feel and how I've felt trapped in this strange 'healthy prison'. I actually showed him this post and every single one of your replies. We both agreed with every thing said and we both decided that I need some kind of talking therapy to help me change my attitude toward weight gain. I put so much importance on those weekly losses to the detriment of my happiness and every one around me.
I definitely feel like I have 'woken up' from a very bad situation - literally, thanks to each and every one of you. I will allow myself to loosen up every now and again and I will no longer beat myself up over an meal out or a special occasion with friends or .. a piece of cake! I know to most it's just a simple post on a forum - but I can't begin to tell you how valuable your advice has been for me. For my relationship. Thank you all and lots of love
Awesome to hear!0 -
PinkPixiexox wrote: »...Intimacy is an issue because I literally never want to be intimate. I think this is purely down to my ‘work,gym,food prep’ schedule – I just have absolutely no desire to be intimate because to me, there are other things I can be doing .. and I don’t feel particularly sexy when I come home from the gym, sweaty and wanting to eat.. Ya know? I have spent a fair few months trying to alter my body and I don't think that helps me get 'in the zone' so to speak. Apologies if this is a little 'much' for a weight loss forum - but it's become a huge problem.
Assuming this is not a medication issue, I think it's another thing that can be solved by planning. If you want to have sex on gym nights, don't overdo it at the gym, grab something light to eat on the way home, and plan to shower. However, an exclusive date night may be better to create emotional intimacy as a prelude to physical intimacy. Or he can send you naughty texts while at the gym, lol.
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I can relate to that fear, perfectly understandable. You are a new woman, now with a renewed relationship. You are doing so many things right.0
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Maybe you could research a few restaurants for some good choices so the next time he suggests a spontaneous dinner out you can recommend one of those places and you'll know what you can order there. This way it will be spontaneous but still "pre-determined" for you. I've checked out lots of places that we used to frequent and I have it in my mind what I'll order if my husband suggests going to one of them.0
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What am I projecting? What has happened in my world?
I've read this thread, and all I see is he's finding ways to bring back the intimacy, and eating out is one way. His ultimatum is he wants her back. There is no indication that he's telling her what to eat, or that if she didn't eat what he wants that she needs to go. In fact, you're projecting an awful lto here.
No, he wants her to eat BK. Big difference.slideaway1 wrote: »If the problem is that he wants you to eat fast food, dump him. If the problem is that he wants to be intimate, do that. If you don't want to...Honestly, if you don't want to be with the guy, that's a good reason for either of you to get over this relationship.
That's pretty brutal. The man only wants a Burger King every now and then after a workout.
If your partner insists on telling you what to eat, they need to go. If they're telling you to eat things that are bad for you, they double need to go. But the "Eat what I tell you to eat or I'm leaving" thing...hold the door open for them to go.
Do share. I would love to know.
This should be fascinating.
For the love of god, PLEASE do not derail this thread. This OP is sincerely asking for help, and most of the responses she is getting are potentially helpful not only for her, but for others as well. If you want to get into a back-and-forth between yourself and the person who says you are projecting, feel free. Just PLEASE don't do it here. That's what PMs are for.
I agree . Each thread usually gets derailed by certain people making wild assumptions, or being just plain wrong . its sad because none of that helps the op ( who is clearly looking for advice and is participating in her post ) . but for whatever reason , these few are allowed to derail over and over again then play the victim role to the mods. Smh.0 -
I think you might need some therapy. Honestly, you seem to have a problem. If you can't make time for intimacy and never want to go out you are obsessed and that is very unhealthy. I can't blame your boyfriend at all for being upset. If you don't change something, you will be alone and have all the time in the world to weigh, measure, and prep...because you will have no relationships in your life.
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If he's insisting that she eat what he tells her to eat or he's leaving, she should let him go...or, better, invite him to leave.
What am I projecting? What has happened in my world?
I've read this thread, and all I see is he's finding ways to bring back the intimacy, and eating out is one way. His ultimatum is he wants her back. There is no indication that he's telling her what to eat, or that if she didn't eat what he wants that she needs to go. In fact, you're projecting an awful lto here.
No, he wants her to eat BK. Big difference.slideaway1 wrote: »If the problem is that he wants you to eat fast food, dump him. If the problem is that he wants to be intimate, do that. If you don't want to...Honestly, if you don't want to be with the guy, that's a good reason for either of you to get over this relationship.
That's pretty brutal. The man only wants a Burger King every now and then after a workout.
If your partner insists on telling you what to eat, they need to go. If they're telling you to eat things that are bad for you, they double need to go. But the "Eat what I tell you to eat or I'm leaving" thing...hold the door open for them to go.
Do share. I would love to know.
This should be fascinating.
"Making a big leap" might fit better than "projecting" if I am understanding @SLLRunner , and I think I am (and am in agreement with her.)
If he just wants to be closer, she has to decide if that's what she wants or not and then follow through with her choice.
There is nothing in this post that indicates he is being controlling like you are inferring. He is frustrated due to feeling left out or behind by her and wanting time together such as going out for a burger at BK or to KFC. While you may not be projecting, I think you are reading things into this that are not there.0 -
MoiAussi93 wrote: »I think you might need some therapy. Honestly, you seem to have a problem. If you can't make time for intimacy and never want to go out you are obsessed and that is very unhealthy. I can't blame your boyfriend at all for being upset. If you don't change something, you will be alone and have all the time in the world to weight, measure, and prep...because you will have no relationships in your life.
That's pretty harsh. The problems OP has stated are common across about 99.9% of the population. She'll get though it just fine.
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I cannot really add much. Lots of good advice.0
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PinkPixiexox wrote: »I literally have tears in my eyes from all of your incredible, kind and honest posts. I needed to reach out somewhere - anywhere - because I was becoming very sad with the way things were progressing. I don't have an eating disorder and I do make sure I fuel my body sufficiently but what I DO have is an irrational fear of gaining weight. I have been overweight all of my life. Not being overweight is totally new to me. Sometimes I am still the 'fat girl' in my head despite being visibly smaller than I was.
I don't mean to sound over the top - but all of your comments and advice I have taken on board and you may have saved my relationship of 8 years. I sat my boyfriend down this evening and laid it out on the table - exactly how I feel and how I've felt trapped in this strange 'healthy prison'. I actually showed him this post and every single one of your replies. We both agreed with every thing said and we both decided that I need some kind of talking therapy to help me change my attitude toward weight gain. I put so much importance on those weekly losses to the detriment of my happiness and every one around me.
I definitely feel like I have 'woken up' from a very bad situation - literally, thanks to each and every one of you. I will allow myself to loosen up every now and again and I will no longer beat myself up over an meal out or a special occasion with friends or .. a piece of cake! I know to most it's just a simple post on a forum - but I can't begin to tell you how valuable your advice has been for me. For my relationship. Thank you all and lots of love
I am so happy to read this! I know it must have been difficult to open this discussion with your boyfriend. I hope you, your boyfriend and your relationship blossom!0 -
PinkPixiexox wrote: »Hi every one :]
I’ve been on my plan for around 4 and a half months and I have lost 30lbs. It has been challenging at times and I’ve had to work really, really hard at staying motivated. The good thing about me – once I start, I won’t quit. Losing motivation simply doesn't happen because I'm stubborn like that. It can be awkward when I’m invited to social events where eating a load of food is involved because I have been guilty of making my excuses and not attending purely for the fact that I don’t want to eat over my deficit.
This is an ongoing struggle for me. The idea of ‘eating out’ has to be planned rigidly. I need to know where we are going (so I can research the calorie information of said restaurant beforehand) and the time we are going (So I can work my other daily meals around the ‘event’) . This is proving extremely detrimental to my relationship of almost 8 years.
I feel that, with each pound lost, a percentage of support goes with it. When I started out 4 months ago, my boyfriend gave me all the support in the world. I was overweight and miserable about it & my doctor said I needed to lose the weight. Now he seems to resent the fact that I am – and I quote – ‘always in my gym clothes now’ and I don’t make time for intimacy and days out with him because I’m either too obsessed over working out or I am reluctant to go out and ‘ruin’ my deficit. His words – but he isn’t exactly wrong there.
Intimacy is an issue because I literally never want to be intimate. I think this is purely down to my ‘work,gym,food prep’ schedule – I just have absolutely no desire to be intimate because to me, there are other things I can be doing .. and I don’t feel particularly sexy when I come home from the gym, sweaty and wanting to eat.. Ya know? I have spent a fair few months trying to alter my body and I don't think that helps me get 'in the zone' so to speak. Apologies if this is a little 'much' for a weight loss forum - but it's become a huge problem.
We rarely go out for the day because I am reluctant to eat the ‘rubbish’ he eats. He likes to stop off at all sorts of high calorie restaurants (he isn’t overweight - he is in amazing shape and incredibly ‘ripped’) and I have to first of all research the restaurant and plan etc etc etc. I can't really do 'impulsive trips' out because I am a pre-logger. It just doesn't work for me.
If we go to the gym together, he regularly asks me if I would like to stop off at KFC or BK afterwards for a meal as he's hungry. I always decline because I have my food at home and it's accounted for in my calorie tracker. I don't want to go to BK or KFC straight after a work-out.
He gave me an ultimatum last night. He told me I need to relax and start spending more time on him. I explained that stopping the gym and not eating healthily is just not an option for me – and he said he didn’t expect me to do either, but I also don’t think he understands how hard I have to work to get to goal and how consistency is key.
I really don’t want to lose my relationship for the sake of a lifestyle change. I’m hitting my goals but.. I’m sad. I don’t want to be alone and I don’t want my ‘sensible plans’ to ruin us. I need to find some kind of balance but it's really difficult and I just don't know what to do. If anyone has any advice, I'd appreciate it hugely. Thankyou so much.
You are getting healthy for you. You eat healthy for you. You exercise because its something that makes you feel powerful. Your boyfriend is scared that you will find someone better. Men like their egos stroked. They like to know that their lady has her heart pinned only to him. Having said all that, you are not the problem, he is. If he truely cared about you, (and because he gave you an ultimatum Im questioning that...), then he would support you no matter what. This journey doesn't have an ending. Its call living a mindful, healthy lifestyle. You need to set him down and tell him whats what. Don't get sad, get mad. Eating healthy, exercising, is called respecting yourself, and putting yourself first. Am I abit harsh, maybe, but I finally "got it" and my husband is my cheering squad so its kind of personal.0 -
MoiAussi93 wrote: »I think you might need some therapy. Honestly, you seem to have a problem. If you can't make time for intimacy and never want to go out you are obsessed and that is very unhealthy. I can't blame your boyfriend at all for being upset. If you don't change something, you will be alone and have all the time in the world to weight, measure, and prep...because you will have no relationships in your life.
That's pretty harsh. The problems OP has stated are common across about 99.9% of the population. She'll get though it just fine.
Not wanting to have sex or spend time with your significant other is NOT common in 99.9% of the population. That is not normal. Romantic relationships generally involve intimacy...it is a requirement for many people. And everybody wants to spend time with their partner. If my boyfriend stopped wanting to have sex with me, stopped wanting to spend the day with me, stopped wanting to go to any social engagements with me...he wouldn't be my boyfriend for very long.
Not harsh...honest.
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Just as others have said: this is my opinion, so take it as you would all free advice - It sounds like you're kind of OCD about your food and workouts, and in many ways that's to be admired; but it all sounds so stressful! Especially when you've done such a great job and lost so much weight and such. Your body is a huge part of your life, but it's not ALL of your life. Relationships are what life is about. Just like you figured out how to lose the weight, you have to figure out how to maintain - not just your weight but your relationships. I know you know all of this, and it sounds like you have a really great guy who isn't asking for too much.
Can I say one thing? Getting out of the habit of being intimate is tough. I know from experience. But making a little effort to get back into the habit has great rewards! For you, your man and everyone's headspace too. I think you'll find that if you just try a little bit, you'll smack yourself in the noggin and say "what was I thinking?!" For reals. Best of luck!0 -
Hi,
I'm sorry that you are having relationship problems. I find your sexual problem interesting. I find that sex is hotter since I lost weight since I am more comfortable in my skin. Maybe you should talk to your doctor. Maybe you have a hormonal imbalance or something.
As far as the rest... I think you need to compromise. Yes, he needs to support your healthy lifestyle but you need to attend to his needs as well.
Best of luck girly!
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The intimacy issue can make or break a relationship. I have been there. So now, we have a date night. Dressing up for your man can be fun. Leave stress at home though, and go out for his conversation. I have noticed since I started paying attention to myself for a change, that my husband is my protector. Not that we women are feeble creatures, but having my husband give another man "that look that says she is mine" is a nice feeling. My husband is a romantic so he opens doors for me, and I let him. Again not the "Im just a feeble incapable woman" but I am a woman that deserves the ultimate respect.0
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Big (((hugs))) to you, I've read a lot of your posts and have found you offering great support and inspiration to people.
It is not unreasonable to spend 4 months of an 8 year relationship focusing on yourself. Your partner is probably jealous of the new attention you're getting, and the fact that you want to look and feel better about yourself.
However, going out for an occasional meal, cinema, concert or elsewhere will not kill you, and the cals can be accounted for, this is a lifestyle, not a quick fix diet so you need to learn to take the good and the bad.
Tell him if he wants to go to kfc or bk then he can go with his friends, but you will only go where you can have healthy food, if that is the food you want.
Maybe a night in frount of the fire wouldn't be a bad thing, set up dates where he has your undivided attention0
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