Why request friends if you're not going to interact?
emhunter
Posts: 1,212 Member
I am satisfied with the friends I already have, but occasionally I receive friend requests and accept the request, only to find out that the friend is silent on my posts all the time. Or that they never bother to be social and comment on anyone's post besides their own. It seems counterproductive to me.
I comment on all of my friends' posts almost every day, but inevitably end up with friends that never comment on my posts, or exert any energy towards supporting anyone else. I feel bad deleting the person, but eventually I do. My question is for those that do this, is why? Why send a friend request if you don't bother to read that persons profile or interact with them or return the support they are giving you? It seems like it would be easier to save your energy and not request someone just to end up getting deleted.
I comment on all of my friends' posts almost every day, but inevitably end up with friends that never comment on my posts, or exert any energy towards supporting anyone else. I feel bad deleting the person, but eventually I do. My question is for those that do this, is why? Why send a friend request if you don't bother to read that persons profile or interact with them or return the support they are giving you? It seems like it would be easier to save your energy and not request someone just to end up getting deleted.
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I totally delete agree with you. I've noticed that there are some members who have 100's of friends . How in hell can anyone communicate and give support with all those people. I think these are the people who you are referring to. I only have 3-4 friends and they are all family members with the exception of 1.0
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Yea, I have yet to see a person with over 100 friends really be supportive to everyone. Maybe it can be done. But still, I honestly don't see the point in having all the friends if you don't want to keep up with them at all. I don't expect a comment every day, but occasionally seems like not a lot to ask. If you have no intention on doing that, what do you want friends?
I try to keep my list to no more than 50. And I get when others "fall off" or stop posting all together. I don't delete them provided them come back within the year, but those that posts all the time on only their page, baffle me.0 -
Some people are just inspirational in themselves and others want to have their daily activity and accomplishments appear in their feed to draw motivation from. Maybe you should feel flatter they are inspired by just your daily logging, or let them know before you accept the FR that you expect interaction to stay on your FL.0
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@rtp_slg52181 that's a good point. Perhaps I should feel flattered. I've not been angry when the person doesn't support others, just totally confused at the reasoning for being so one-sided in their journey.
I've also thought about messaging back but then I thought it might come across a bit intense. But you're right, I probably should try to find a way to do that. It can be a bit of an awkward exchange though
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@rtp_slg52181 that's a good point. Perhaps I should feel flattered. I've not been angry when the person doesn't support others, just totally confused at the reasoning for being so one-sided in their journey.
I've also thought about messaging back but then I thought it might come across a bit intense. But you're right, I probably should try to find a way to do that. It can be a bit of an awkward exchange though .
I don't know if your wall is public or not but you can post something about it there. If they don't take the time to read it than they aren't worth keeping anyway and you shouldn't feel bad giving them the boot from your FL.0 -
I communicate with my friends. Only a few are active. You can pick me as your friend.0
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How do you know they aren't reading your status'? I read all of the status feeds on my wall but I don't post or like on many of them. Doesn't mean I don't care. I just don't say anything is all.
Some people prefer to "lurk".
I personally enjoy reading all of the status feeds. And sometimes I do interact with my friends or interact in other ways. But I don't have the time nor do I want to reply to every little thing.
Same with Facebook. I read everything, I just don't post too much unless I have something meaningful to say.0 -
Maybe they don't agree with what you have to say? Maybe they just haven't logged on or don't care enough to comment?
I have over 100 friends and Have been on here for years. For me, I only accept requests from people that I have something In common with . I have a full time job, and all the other busy type of stuff going on. So I don't comment on each of my friends status updates , I just have a busy schedule and better things to do then sit on mfp all day and comment. I also don't expect them to comment on all my stuff. I know life doesn't revolve around mfp for most normal people.
So just be selective as to whom you accept and delete those you don't like( or don't comment)0 -
Add me0
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@Ninkyou I never said that I think they are not reading them. I also don't want or need them to reply to everything. I do expect them to occasionally comment though.
But I think you're right some people do prefer to lurk. I still don't consider mfp like facebook bc facebook is a way to keep in touch with many people throughout the course of their life. Mfp seems to encourage more interaction and stimulation to help each other with their fitness journey.0 -
@thorsmom01 I am selective in who I pick. I keep my list to no more than 50 people and constantly decline requests. I probably only accept 10% of my requests. And rarely do I request anyone.
I work 50-60 hour weeks. I don't have time to sit on mfp all day. I designate 10-20 mins daily to log my food and exercise and comment on friends posts. Some days I spend more time, some days less. I have been on mfp since March 2011. So I am sort of bored with the whole thing sometimes.
But my question was why request someone to be your friend if you're silent. I am referring to showing support when a diary is logged or exercise is logged or when your login streak updates. There's nothing to agree with about that. If you don't care about those things, then why have friends on mfp?
I also don't mind when they haven't logged in and that's why they aren't commenting. It's when they are actively posting about themselves and never encourage or support anyone else that I wonder why add any of us. But I guess the reason is some people like to just lurk. I wish there was a way to indicate if you were only a lurker!0 -
@thorsmom01 I am selective in who I pick. I keep my list to no more than 50 people and constantly decline requests. I probably only accept 10% of my requests. And rarely do I request anyone.
I work 50-60 hour weeks. I don't have time to sit on mfp all day. I designate 10-20 mins daily to log my food and exercise and comment on friends posts. Some days I spend more time, some days less. I have been on mfp since March 2011. So I am sort of bored with the whole thing sometimes.
But my question was why request someone to be your friend if you're silent. I am referring to showing support when a diary is logged or exercise is logged or when your login streak updates. There's nothing to agree with about that. If you don't care about those things, then why have friends on mfp?
I also don't mind when they haven't logged in and that's why they aren't commenting. It's when they are actively posting about themselves and never encourage or support anyone else that I wonder why add any of us. But I guess the reason is some people like to just lurk. I wish there was a way to indicate if you were only a lurker!
For once, we agree about something! Lurking! I also know some people just lurk, and that's fine with me. In fact, that's how some people learn. They read and read and read until they get the information they are looking for. So , it really would be sad to delete someone who was just reading and too shy to comment.
But as far as the others go, if they aren't active at all then it does feel like they are just taking up space . if there was a way to see if someone was lurking, it would make the decision not to delete them easier . surely you wouldn't want to delete someone who was just too shy to share or ask questions.
So yes , we finally agree. ( don't expect it to happen often though. Lol !)
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I am referring to showing support when a diary is logged or exercise is logged or when your login streak updates. There's nothing to agree with about that. If you don't care about those things, then why have friends on mfp?
Well the streak increases every 5 days. Over the course of a year, that's 73 times. For some people (I'll use me as an example), have logged for a long time. I've been logging for 875 days. I can understand it being novel seeing triple digits to newer friends/members and whatnot, but as time goes on, it's like "Yeah, you've been here a long time, cool. I don't need to "like" it every 5 days now though. With my own streak, that's 175 times a friend could have potentially liked. That's alot. I certainly don't expect a like that many times. Maaaaybe on large round numbers (like 365, which would be a 1 year anniversary, I'd hope would be noticeable and celebrated).
As for exercise, same thing. For me, I only like them when there's a particularly interesting workout or an increase in weights on a progressive load type deal.
Same for diaries. I typically don't even look at them unless I'm trying to get meal ideas. Or if I see something that looks ridiculously yummy I might comment. But I'm not going to "like" it everytime someone closes their diary.
This is just my own experience though.0 -
I'll comment
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I am referring to showing support when a diary is logged or exercise is logged or when your login streak updates. There's nothing to agree with about that. If you don't care about those things, then why have friends on mfp?
Well the streak increases every 5 days. Over the course of a year, that's 73 times. For some people (I'll use me as an example), have logged for a long time. I've been logging for 875 days. I can understand it being novel seeing triple digits to newer friends/members and whatnot, but as time goes on, it's like "Yeah, you've been here a long time, cool. I don't need to "like" it every 5 days now though. With my own streak, that's 175 times a friend could have potentially liked. That's alot. I certainly don't expect a like that many times. Maaaaybe on large round numbers (like 365, which would be a 1 year anniversary, I'd hope would be noticeable and celebrated).
As for exercise, same thing. For me, I only like them when there's a particularly interesting workout or an increase in weights on a progressive load type deal.
Same for diaries. I typically don't even look at them unless I'm trying to get meal ideas. Or if I see something that looks ridiculously yummy I might comment. But I'm not going to "like" it everytime someone closes their diary.
This is just my own experience though.
Yes I agree about the streak thing. That gets old fast ! I have 1000 days on this acct and had 280 on my first acct. So yeah, every 5 days saying " congrats! Keep logging " does get old. Lol ! They should make the streak count update every 50 days instead of 5.0 -
thorsmom01 wrote: »@thorsmom01 I am selective in who I pick. I keep my list to no more than 50 people and constantly decline requests. I probably only accept 10% of my requests. And rarely do I request anyone.
I work 50-60 hour weeks. I don't have time to sit on mfp all day. I designate 10-20 mins daily to log my food and exercise and comment on friends posts. Some days I spend more time, some days less. I have been on mfp since March 2011. So I am sort of bored with the whole thing sometimes.
But my question was why request someone to be your friend if you're silent. I am referring to showing support when a diary is logged or exercise is logged or when your login streak updates. There's nothing to agree with about that. If you don't care about those things, then why have friends on mfp?
I also don't mind when they haven't logged in and that's why they aren't commenting. It's when they are actively posting about themselves and never encourage or support anyone else that I wonder why add any of us. But I guess the reason is some people like to just lurk. I wish there was a way to indicate if you were only a lurker!
For once, we agree about something! Lurking! I also know some people just lurk, and that's fine with me. In fact, that's how some people learn. They read and read and read until they get the information they are looking for. So , it really would be sad to delete someone who was just reading and too shy to comment.
But as far as the others go, if they aren't active at all then it does feel like they are just taking up space . if there was a way to see if someone was lurking, it would make the decision not to delete them easier . surely you wouldn't want to delete someone who was just too shy to share or ask questions.
So yes , we finally agree. ( don't expect it to happen often though. Lol !)
Lol the heavens have parted. SERIOUSLY! Not only do we agree but I also walk away feeling like okay, you taught me something. No shade thrown there. Just saying you're providing feedback that I had not thought of.
You're right, it would be a shame to delete those that are shy. I thought I could tell who that is, but maybe some of them that I think are rude may be shy. I thought my commenting on their updates and occasionally randomly posting on their wall would be enough to break them out their shell but yea, it might not work for all.
Okay agreeing and a productive convo between us, lol, not holding my breath on a repeat. But for now, I'll store it that we at least see this one issue the same!0 -
thorsmom01 wrote: »I am referring to showing support when a diary is logged or exercise is logged or when your login streak updates. There's nothing to agree with about that. If you don't care about those things, then why have friends on mfp?
Well the streak increases every 5 days. Over the course of a year, that's 73 times. For some people (I'll use me as an example), have logged for a long time. I've been logging for 875 days. I can understand it being novel seeing triple digits to newer friends/members and whatnot, but as time goes on, it's like "Yeah, you've been here a long time, cool. I don't need to "like" it every 5 days now though. With my own streak, that's 175 times a friend could have potentially liked. That's alot. I certainly don't expect a like that many times. Maaaaybe on large round numbers (like 365, which would be a 1 year anniversary, I'd hope would be noticeable and celebrated).
As for exercise, same thing. For me, I only like them when there's a particularly interesting workout or an increase in weights on a progressive load type deal.
Same for diaries. I typically don't even look at them unless I'm trying to get meal ideas. Or if I see something that looks ridiculously yummy I might comment. But I'm not going to "like" it everytime someone closes their diary.
This is just my own experience though.
Yes I agree about the streak thing. That gets old fast ! I have 1000 days on this acct and had 280 on my first acct. So yeah, every 5 days saying " congrats! Keep logging " does get old. Lol ! They should make the streak count update every 50 days instead of 5.
You could turn that feature off0 -
I find I only comment on an auto generated post if the person first posts a reason why it should be exciting.
Ex
Random workout post but person comments "first time I ran a full mile with out stopping to rest" or any other victory this particular auto generated post is a milestone representation of.0 -
I am referring to showing support when a diary is logged or exercise is logged or when your login streak updates. There's nothing to agree with about that. If you don't care about those things, then why have friends on mfp?
Well the streak increases every 5 days. Over the course of a year, that's 73 times. For some people (I'll use me as an example), have logged for a long time. I've been logging for 875 days. I can understand it being novel seeing triple digits to newer friends/members and whatnot, but as time goes on, it's like "Yeah, you've been here a long time, cool. I don't need to "like" it every 5 days now though. With my own streak, that's 175 times a friend could have potentially liked. That's alot. I certainly don't expect a like that many times. Maaaaybe on large round numbers (like 365, which would be a 1 year anniversary, I'd hope would be noticeable and celebrated).
As for exercise, same thing. For me, I only like them when there's a particularly interesting workout or an increase in weights on a progressive load type deal.
Same for diaries. I typically don't even look at them unless I'm trying to get meal ideas. Or if I see something that looks ridiculously yummy I might comment. But I'm not going to "like" it everytime someone closes their diary.
This is just my own experience though.
Agreed I don't need a comment on login streak every 5 days.
I have friends that pop in and out of mfp all the time. They post on my wall a few times a month and that's it. I don't consider that just a lurker. But I know her name and we occasionally send PMs (maybe twice a year) and I feel like we have gotten to know each other a bit. So the fact she rarely comments now doesn't bother me at all.
Again, simply talking about those that you never get interaction from. I can't decide exactly where you fall on the spectrum of only lurking and supportive so can't say if you are just a lurker. But it sounds like you are still not one of the people that im talking about. Some people are silent. And there is no interaction ever.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't lurk though. If that's what you like to do, then I understand. Hadn't crossed my mind that people send friend requests just to lurk. But I do feel like maybe lurkers should tell people that upfront! Lol or something...because it feels like such a waste of my time.0 -
I agree with the OP. I now have 98 friends - only maybe 3 of which I sent the request - yet maybe 10-15 are actively interacting with me. I log daily and I like and comment and interact with everyone who posts. So where are the other 85 people??? Why friend a person if you're not trying to support and encourage them? It shouldn't be a one way street, IMHO.0
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If I see you across my news feed then I will comment or like. But I don't go looking at all my friends unless I haven't seen them across my news feed in awhile and we are close friends enough for me to care.0
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1st I keep my profile private because I have a calendar of events that I have to remember, to weigh/measure myself for because my current weight/size, determines if or how much; I'll indulge & those events include people, whom I respect might not desire; someone else to know whom they are/when their birthday is, etc.
2nd I have had numerous accounts on here & I'd always fail because I tried to change my entire lifestyle in a day, which included logging my calories & exercise, it just overwhelms me; so I currently don't log or pay attention to someone else's logging either but I'd like to eventually.
I do like other's day streaks though but don't comment about them. I do comment on major life events & I love to read comments, that're like essays & I also help other's when I am able to. For instance I recently helped a friend of a friend, after reading their comment; to a mutual friend of ours & now we're friends.
As for my own news feed, I haven't posted any comments but I don't like to clutter it either, so once my new day streak posts; I erase the previous 1 regardless of receiving likes and/or comments about it & I also erase my previous weight loss, when a new 1 posts. Since my weight has been fluctuating, I even erase new weight loss posts once they post; until I'm at or less, than my lowest weight posted here.0 -
thorsmom01 wrote: »@thorsmom01 I am selective in who I pick. I keep my list to no more than 50 people and constantly decline requests. I probably only accept 10% of my requests. And rarely do I request anyone.
I work 50-60 hour weeks. I don't have time to sit on mfp all day. I designate 10-20 mins daily to log my food and exercise and comment on friends posts. Some days I spend more time, some days less. I have been on mfp since March 2011. So I am sort of bored with the whole thing sometimes.
But my question was why request someone to be your friend if you're silent. I am referring to showing support when a diary is logged or exercise is logged or when your login streak updates. There's nothing to agree with about that. If you don't care about those things, then why have friends on mfp?
I also don't mind when they haven't logged in and that's why they aren't commenting. It's when they are actively posting about themselves and never encourage or support anyone else that I wonder why add any of us. But I guess the reason is some people like to just lurk. I wish there was a way to indicate if you were only a lurker!
For once, we agree about something! Lurking! I also know some people just lurk, and that's fine with me. In fact, that's how some people learn. They read and read and read until they get the information they are looking for. So , it really would be sad to delete someone who was just reading and too shy to comment.
But as far as the others go, if they aren't active at all then it does feel like they are just taking up space . if there was a way to see if someone was lurking, it would make the decision not to delete them easier . surely you wouldn't want to delete someone who was just too shy to share or ask questions.
So yes , we finally agree. ( don't expect it to happen often though. Lol !)
Lol the heavens have parted. SERIOUSLY! Not only do we agree but I also walk away feeling like okay, you taught me something. No shade thrown there. Just saying you're providing feedback that I had not thought of.
You're right, it would be a shame to delete those that are shy. I thought I could tell who that is, but maybe some of them that I think are rude may be shy. I thought my commenting on their updates and occasionally randomly posting on their wall would be enough to break them out their shell but yea, it might not work for all.
Okay agreeing and a productive convo between us, lol, not holding my breath on a repeat. But for now, I'll store it that we at least see this one issue the same!
When I first joined mfp ( my first acct ) I was too scared to post anything on the forums. I thought people wouldn't understand my questions or wouldn't reply. So I lurked. Sometimes I would stay up half the night searching threads to try to get the info I needed. So I would feel awful deleting someone who was just lurking my feed to try to learn. Next time I'll also give them more of a chance before deleting so quickly, just in case they are a lurker! Lol! ( I have this unspoken rule in my head sometimes that goes like this- if I don't even know your name and you've been on my list for months then its time to go! But maybe I'll rethink that now. )0 -
I only delete those who have been inactive more than 30 days. And even then, if we've chatted a lot, I give some space and grace. Life happens.
Just how I work it. I try to take a few minutes a couple times a day to like posts and/or comment. Due to time zone issues, there are some folks I don't see post often. But we're still all in it together.0 -
I totally agree with you. I used to comment daily on my friends' newsfeed and they sort of ignored me.
I'm willing to offer encouragement and I wish others would do the same.
I recently deleted a few friends that never post or respond.
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I totally agree with you OP. I love interactive support and encouraging words from time to time. I have met some really good hearted people from around the world. This is my 2nd account but I added a handful of people from my 1st acc coz those friends really stand by me when the going gets tough. Others choose to be wallflowers but I still give them a hint by liking their posts that I'd like the favour returned, but they dont
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I rarely read my FL
I rarely interact on there..I also don't look at friend requests tbh
I don't actually need people saying woot cos I've hit the gym and assume others don't need the same..I don't see it as supportive just a reflex social conditioning
I think this is a cultural thing tbh, it's very american to like a "you go girl", other cultures are far more self-sufficient and don't actually even like that as a type of "support"...I actually see it as a social convention peculiar to certain cultures with no deep resonant meaning.
If someone posts something of interest, or funny, and I happen to be around I may add to the conversation for entertainment
I find this differentiation, and the lack of appreciation for other cultural norms, interesting (generic not specific comment)
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I think some people get a team to spur *them* on, and aren't necessarily looking to return the favor.
One issue I've run into is when someone has hundreds and hundreds of friends. I'd normally like to participate in their conversations but I have the "email me when there's a response" activated. I'd be getting dozens of emails just from one status update. So I just don't comment
I do try to find other ways to interact, though, but sometimes, regardless of who friend requested who, we just don't have too much in common and don't interact much, but can still be inspired reading each other's progress and knowing that we're out there getting it done.
Still. We're all adults and certainly have the ability to throw a like or encouraging word someone's way. If you feel someone is just a taker and offers no support ever, despite multiple opportunities, you know what to do0 -
I maintain about 20 or so friends, do not accept friend requests from people with over 50 friends (and then monitor response rate), only accept friend requests accompanied by a message or relevant comment in the request, open diaries only and reasonable profile picture, don't accept requests from men.
I've been on this website (or the app) every day for the past 3+ years. I'm maintaining and my friends are either maintaining or working hard at changing their relationship with food and fitness. Sometimes my newsfeed is very quiet and sometimes not. Someone usually acknowledges a significant number on my streak, but I simply am showing up each day for my own reasons.
Each person has a reason for being here. We are not responsible for anyone.
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wonkywendy wrote: »I think there's lot a of lurkers here and I also think it's ok to be a lurker. I am one myself. To be totally honest when I first requested friends it was to simply look through their diaries and see if the person was on the same calorie allowance as me and to see if they were eating the types of foods that I liked too. It was simply to get myself started on MFP and to try and emulate their way of life in respect of food and exercise in a hope it would kickstart my journey too. After all if it was working for them then hopefully it would work for me! I only have a few friends here in MFP and I do little comments here and there and little well dones to my friends when they have a great day and maybe a word of encouragement when they fall off the wagon, but on the whole I am relatively silent and I don't think that's me beings a bad friend, not everyone has a lot to say and a lot of people are very shy and wary to comment as they are only here a short while and don't feel that they should comment. Personally I would be happy if people just lurked on my friend list, we all have to start somewhere and it's a great way to find your feet and learn by watching others, i think it's really flattering and I will always take it as such.
One thing I thought the OP to have said was that these individuals comment on their own statuses. So to me, that means they're making updates (and not necessarily just the automatically generated ones), and therefore not that shy. But still, this concept of lurkers on a friend list is quite new and intriguing to me, so I will try to watch out for it
On a different note, i kinda kicked myself a little when I discovered I could have just searched MFP or even Google for "open diaries" (full Google search phrase "open diaries site:community.myfitnesspal.com") which were totally public and I didn't have to be on a person's friend list to view. To me, just wanting to be able to view diaries was not the same as wanting to be their MFPal, with all the giving and receiving of support that would entail. Something I find a bit strange, to be honest, is when those posts Come up and some respond with "add me to view my diary!" I'm like uh... You're missing the point. The OP was asking for totally public diaries without any additional access needed to view
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