My son called me fat.
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It's weird because in every other area of my life I am a perfectionist. I am a 4.0 grad student working full time and pride myself on having a spotless house. It's like, I run out of energy to take care of myself because I have so many other things going on.
I think you have identified the issue. Sounds like me. Only took me 30 years to figure it out so you are way ahead of me.
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You can quickly figure out in this thread who has or deals with young children regularly and who doesn't.0
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Parenting advice from non parents is always, well, amusing.0
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LilSunflowerIsis wrote: »I hate that society has given the word "FAT" a negative connotation and so much power to make us feel less than. It is dysfunctional that a word can have so much power. I am not ashamed to call myself fat because that is what I am and I know I am working towards getting back to a healthier version of myself. I am tired of people using the word in a demeaning manner and in anger. Would we be as up in arms about this is her son called her "thin" or "skinny"? Probably not. ..In fact this wouldn't even be a thread. Fat can still be beautiful, intelligent, caring, hard-working, loving and adventurous! Fat is used to describe your appearance NOT you! That's it.
OH MY GOD YES. THIS. A THOUSAND TIMES. Fat is a descriptor--nothing more, nothing less.0 -
Your son is a bully.
You sir are a special kind of troll! You have legit pissed off the collective MFP forums LOL. Good show
OP, as a father I know what it is like when your kids level you with some truth bombs. I highly suggest you pick another source of motivation as you embark on this weight loss journey because drawing from that comment will not be healthy.0 -
allenpriest wrote: »Parenting advice from non parents is always, well, amusing.
I think some of these posters must have had less-than-stellar parenting themselves, from the way they talk.0 -
It's hurtful, yes. Unfortunately when my kids called me fat it was 100% true.0
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Try menu planning where you plan what you are going to eat for each meal and the ingredients you'll need. Then at the beginning of the week go out and just buy the stuff you need that is on that list. DONT buy anything not on the list. That way you are forced to eat what you already bought because if you don't it will rot and go bad and be a waste of money. And money is something none of us want to waste. When you are tempted by junk foods out in the real world remember all the times you fought the temptation and won and all the great, healthy meals you've made at home. Think about the steps you've taken and how it's not worth losing that progress. If you have a busy schedule make large batches of food but make only enough for the amounts of servings you have on your menu to eat so that way you aren't over eating.0
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djeffreys10 wrote: »When I was fat, I would get called fat sometimes. Mostly by my friends, just goofing around. Thing was, I was fat. I am not going to get mad if someone calls me bald. I am. I am not going to get mad if someone says I am a bit on the short side. I am. I wouldn't get mad if someone called me fat. I was.
Are you fat? If so, it's an accurate observation. If you don't like it, change it.
This. Your giving fat, fatty to much power. Most people don't have to tip toe around other description words, many for this you have 0 control over. This fear of weight discussion help to grow the problem culture around it. Still let them know the social repercussions but don't make fatty the Fword.0 -
tara_means_star wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »coreyreichle wrote: »larali1980 wrote: »coreyreichle wrote: »djeffreys10 wrote: »When I was fat, I would get called fat sometimes. Mostly by my friends, just goofing around. Thing was, I was fat. I am not going to get mad if someone calls me bald. I am. I am not going to get mad if someone says I am a bit on the short side. I am. I wouldn't get mad if someone called me fat. I was.
Are you fat? If so, it's an accurate observation. If you don't like it, change it.
This x1000.
No, telling someone that they are fat in order to hurt them does not equal goofing off or making silly jokes among friends.
Honestly describing a person's physical attributes is "hurtful"?
Is this how you speak to your loved ones? It may be the norm in some families to use terms like "fatty" when angry, but (even when they are based in someone's genuine assessment of another) it isn't the norm in many families.
Agreed. Its normal for a 5 year old to call names but I think it's appropriate to call an adult a bully when they call names. Also, calling someone ugly is hurtful too in case anyone didn't know. Its not OK even if you classify it as "honest communication"
It's also appropriate to teach the former that it's wrong so that they don't become the latter.0 -
Carlos_421 wrote: »tara_means_star wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »coreyreichle wrote: »larali1980 wrote: »coreyreichle wrote: »djeffreys10 wrote: »When I was fat, I would get called fat sometimes. Mostly by my friends, just goofing around. Thing was, I was fat. I am not going to get mad if someone calls me bald. I am. I am not going to get mad if someone says I am a bit on the short side. I am. I wouldn't get mad if someone called me fat. I was.
Are you fat? If so, it's an accurate observation. If you don't like it, change it.
This x1000.
No, telling someone that they are fat in order to hurt them does not equal goofing off or making silly jokes among friends.
Honestly describing a person's physical attributes is "hurtful"?
Is this how you speak to your loved ones? It may be the norm in some families to use terms like "fatty" when angry, but (even when they are based in someone's genuine assessment of another) it isn't the norm in many families.
Agreed. Its normal for a 5 year old to call names but I think it's appropriate to call an adult a bully when they call names. Also, calling someone ugly is hurtful too in case anyone didn't know. Its not OK even if you classify it as "honest communication"
It's also appropriate to teach the former that it's wrong so that they don't become the latter.
Completely agree.0 -
This seems like a completely normal thing for a 5 year old to say. Heck, my 5 year old (at the time) would not stop trying to point out a woman who's breasts were exploding out of her shirt at dinner once. Or every time she asks me if someone is a boy or a girl. The incidences where she sees someone who is large enough that normal door openings pose a challenge and she is like "Mom, that person is fat."
Just because something may be true doesn't mean it is nice to say it, but kids do that. They have a lack of awareness of others that makes then blunt and generally honest about their observations (and demands).
Funny unrelated story ---
Typical conversation in my house between me and my mini-me:
Mini-me: "Mom, I'm hungry."
Me: "Hi hungry, I'm fat."
Mini-me: "Ugh, mom. I want something to eat."
Me: "I want to win the lotto, but we don't always get what we want now do we?"
Mini-me: *sigh*
Lesson: I don't jump just because you make a declarative statement. Ask nice if you want something or meet my sass.0 -
OP, I want to say I'm sorry for the hurt you feel... but I think its part of the process.
Also... the opinions given of your son are just that... opinions, everyone has one and sometimes they should keep it to themselves.
My son will be 4 in two weeks, he's never said a thing about my weight... his father is very skinny and full of muscle, and I am short and "pleasantly plump"
He's never once asked why we are so different, but then again his dad is black and I'm white... so maybe he is just used to seeing diversity??
Even though my child has never said anything hurtful like this it is already in my mind that I don't want him to be embarrassed by the way I look, because I know it embarrasses me and I'm the one who can do something about it... I've been big my entire life and I know the hurtful things kids say because they were said to me.
No one can tell you how to feel... or how to deal with those feelings, that is something you have to handle on your own.
Questions I'd be asking myself if I were in this situation...
What can I do to turn this into a learning experience?
What can I do to make this motivational?
What can I do to make myself work before settling to eat some high calorie/low nutrition food?
For me... the greatest motivation is people that doubt me... So I say "Don't believe me? JUST WATCH!"0 -
Your son is a bully.
You sir are a special kind of troll! You have legit pissed off the collective MFP forums LOL. Good show
OP, as a father I know what it is like when your kids level you with some truth bombs. I highly suggest you pick another source of motivation as you embark on this weight loss journey because drawing from that comment will not be healthy.
Absolutely. Personally I don't believe in extrinsic motivation at all (as in it won't work for me), but maybe it works for others.
I've read a bit more in this thread and have to say that I think there's no use in focusing on what people should or shouldn't say to others. Yes, it is important in social interactions in general, but to subtly move awareness away from the core issue, overweight and its causes in a specific individual, only does harm, and no good.
Because what's to say that you won't meet someone next week and the week after that, who speaks as bluntly as the 5yo?
In my humble opinion, any and all efforts in trying to reflect on this topic should go towards increased self-knowledge as well as creating a strategy that will work in becoming a stronger individual, both psychologically and physiologically.0 -
tara_means_star wrote: »tara_means_star wrote: »Some kids don't understand that using the word "fat" or the name "fatty" is hurtful
I suppose there's an exception to every rule, and I'm not going to speculate what the problem could be for kids who don't "understand" this.
But for the vast majority of kids, including 5 year olds, they absolutely do know exactly what they're doing when they call somebody "fatty". And it's no coincidence that he said this when he was angry, as OP mentioned.
I didn't see where she said he was angry. It does indicate that he was saying something to get a reaction. It means he, like most kids, have SOME understanding. But if you've ever seen a kid that said something hurtful to get a reaction and then was shocked at exactly how big of a reaction they got....I don't mean that kids have no understanding whatsoever. I mean they don't understand it in the same way that an adult does. He's got enough of an understanding that now is a really good time to teach him it's not okay. He doesn't have enough of an understanding to call him a bully.
That was in a later post by OP.
But in essence I agree with you. Seriously. Five year-olds are not long on impulse control or good judgement. It's a skill they have to learn, and the vast majority will not have mastered it by the time they head off to college.
He was angry. He said something he probably knew was 'bad' as an instant reaction to how angry/upset he felt. But, he didn't have a full understanding of how much it would hurt his mother (or he would not have been upset when he saw how he upset her). Beautiful opportunity for a teachable moment - for both mom and kid, in this case.
I see nothing to indicate the son is anything but a pretty normal 5-year-old. Sounds like OP handled that situation just fine.
Only thing she didn't handle well was feeling she failed for getting the treats at the store, and for that I'm with others here. Getting treats doesn't mean you failed. Going over calories doesn't mean you failed.
OP, Figuring out how to limit your calories is obviously still a work in progress for you. Learn something from this, make changes, do something different next time.
Personally, I'd see if one of the long-time successful folks on here would go over your stats with you. Like others, I have a sneaking suspicion you may have your settings too strict.
ETA: just noticed I changed who I speaking to mid-post without indicating
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allenpriest wrote: »Parenting advice from non parents is always, well, amusing.
Agreed. Seriously....I got 3. And if one of them ever did that the only thing beating them to the emergency room would be headlights of the ambulance they were riding in.....0 -
if you can't do it on your own consistently. go to your doctor and get some help. it's a hard thing to do. don't be afraid to seek out professional help.0
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Of_Monsters_and_Meat wrote: »My son is five too. He calls fat people fat. Guess what, hard truth, your failing. Get with the program, really for your son's sake.
Then again my son also told me he hated me, because I made him go to bed last night.
I'd like to tone this down for you, but really being alive and healthy for my family is my #1 motivator.
Although I would not agree with my sons calling other people fat especially to their faces or even ear range, I do have to agree my sons have called me fat and guess what I was fat. That was my motivator to get my ish together and do something about it. Now that my sons are grown they are more tactful in saying "Mom you got a little sumthin sumthin going on there" while pinching my fat areas ( I gained some weight within the last 6 months). It doesn't hurt my feelings it just pumps me up to get it together.
I guess for me living in a house full of males I've learned to develop a thick skin.
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Honestly? I don't think it's fair to make a 5 year old deal with the emotional baggage you are carrying around with regard to your weight.
Kids say the darnest things, you know? My 6 year old makes observations all the time, noticing the world around you -- similarity and difference is a good, good thing. Of course we have to let our kids know that words can be hurtful and to be empathetic - but I worry about a 5 year old carrying around the burden that they made mommy cry just by noticing what you look like. And it concerns me you'd hope he'd just never notice. I don't think he should carry any shame that you are overweight. I don't think you should carry shame because of it. It's a state of being, just like thinness. If you don't want to be overweight, then get to it. Let go of the shame, love yourself and make the best choices you can.
My daughter hasn't made me cry yet. I know that one day, she will. But my hope if that she'll be making me cry over legit cruelty in her teenage years and not me crying because she touched a raw nerve in her young childhood I didn't work hard enough to heal.
You are overweight. A lot of us have been there. You jacked up your day, a lot of us have been there. You know you need to do it, but haven't found the drive to get it done, a lot of us have been there. Where you are now isn't where you are bound to stay forever. Accept that you are overweight. Accept that your son knows this. And change it if that's what you want.
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milaortiz30 wrote: »if you can't do it on your own consistently. go to your doctor and get some help. it's a hard thing to do. don't be afraid to seek out professional help.
If there are medical reasons to overweight, yes. But in many cases some common sense combined with brutal honesty about one's self toward one's self will work for first steps. Most issues on the planet have been represented by now in this forum, and there is plenty of experience, so (in partifular if finances are a problem (psychologists can be ridiculously expensive)) I would encourage people to take matters into their own hands, think and observe their habits, and read up in the forums and groups. Self-reflection is what happens during sessions, and if we aren't honest now, what should change when a stranger asks questions?0 -
tara_means_star wrote: »tara_means_star wrote: »Some kids don't understand that using the word "fat" or the name "fatty" is hurtful
I suppose there's an exception to every rule, and I'm not going to speculate what the problem could be for kids who don't "understand" this.
But for the vast majority of kids, including 5 year olds, they absolutely do know exactly what they're doing when they call somebody "fatty". And it's no coincidence that he said this when he was angry, as OP mentioned.
I didn't see where she said he was angry. It does indicate that he was saying something to get a reaction. It means he, like most kids, have SOME understanding. But if you've ever seen a kid that said something hurtful to get a reaction and then was shocked at exactly how big of a reaction they got....I don't mean that kids have no understanding whatsoever. I mean they don't understand it in the same way that an adult does. He's got enough of an understanding that now is a really good time to teach him it's not okay. He doesn't have enough of an understanding to call him a bully.
That was in a later post by OP.
But in essence I agree with you. Seriously. Five year-olds are not long on impulse control or good judgement. It's a skill they have to learn, and the vast majority will not have mastered it by the time they head off to college.
He was angry. He said something he probably knew was 'bad' as an instant reaction to how angry/upset he felt. But, he didn't have a full understanding of how much it would hurt his mother (or he would not have been upset when he saw how he upset her). Beautiful opportunity for a teachable moment - for both mom and kid, in this case.
I see nothing to indicate the son is anything but a pretty normal 5-year-old. Sounds like OP handled that situation just fine.
Only thing she didn't handle well was feeling she failed for getting the treats at the store, and for that I'm with others here. Getting treats doesn't mean you failed. Going over calories doesn't mean you failed.
Figuring out how to limit your calories is obviously still a work in progress for you. Learn something from this, make changes, do something different next time.
Personally, I'd see if one of the long-time successful folks on here would go over your stats with you. Like others, I have a sneaking suspicion you may have your settings too strict.
I can agree with what you said. OP handled herself well except for how hard she was on herself. I've been here for almost 100 days this go around and there have been times I was really really upset and I broke out food that I didn't intend to eat and ate more of it than I intended to eat. I've lost the weight because if and when I binge, I don't let myself spiral out of control. I pick myself back up and I keep working toward my goal. I've never been in your exact situation, OP, but I do know how bad it hurts when someone you love calls you fat...or when anyone calls you fat. I also know what it's like to continue bad eating habits and gaining weight despite feeling like I SHOULD have sufficient motivation to lose weight. I didn't start losing weight because I had some amazing internal motivation that just moved me toward it. I wanted it. I didn't think I could do it. I decided to try anyway. Along the way motivation came when I realized that I was progressing and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Now, 35 pounds later, I can say I have internal motivation. I made small changes along the way. I didn't overwhelm myself or overly restrict myself. I have eaten ice cream the last two nights and will eat it again tonight. I figured out how to work it into my daily calories. There's nothing wrong with you eating a reese cup. What you need to do is slowly get yourself to the point where you have control. If you are eating a reese you are in control. If you are not eating a reese, you are in control. You get there by finding other ways to handle your emotions, taking care of yourself and not running yourself ragged, and making small sustainable changes that don't overwhelm you but work you toward your goal.0 -
Totally get it my kiddos are little too. I want to set a good example for them. So I have choosen to start exercising and have them see me sweaty, I show them healthy choices vs unhealthy. I don't use the word "diet" and choose to use more words like "healthy, good for my heart, strong". I say no thank you, when they try cramming goodies down my throat. They are little but they obviously pick things up and I want them to have a healthy outlook on food and exercise. Maybe you can be honest with him and tell him you aren't making good choices for your health and that you want to do better.
Love this I am a nanny but the kids see me doing lunges randomly or a few push-ups and we talk about how moving muscles makes them stronger. The other day one woke from nap and did a sit up for get up and said "Look at my strong tummy muscles!!" I love how excited they are to try the things I do 0 -
I would not have cried. Your son may now call you fat every time he gets upset because he knows it bothers you. If my small child called me a bad name I would tell them that it's not nice and ask them how they'd feel if I called them a name.
A 5 year old knows that words can hurt. Small children as young as preschool age bully each other. They aren't completely oblivious to feelings and the impact words can have.0 -
My thin 5 year old called me fat yesterday. Well, fatty, to be specific. I had hoped that would be a turning point and I cried and cried after he did. Not because I don't know I'm overweight, but because he knows. I don't ever want him to be embarrassed of me. I started today with the same resolve that I do most days, to not overeat and to stay within my calories. But alas, I made it until noon and then went to the store and got some popcorn and reese cups.
I wish I could stop this cycle. I've done well before but for some reason I can't get "it" this time. I feel like such a failure.
So why did you get the Reese's cup is the bigger question? That's a question only you can answer. Have you eaten it yet? If not don't. Think about a few things first. I say this from experience. I remember my baby girl asking me if I had another baby in there pointing to my belly.
I love reese's, they are my arch nemesis, lol..but it's more important to me to stay focused so it's in my drawer and it will stay there until I reach a goal.
You can't just start without a goal, without a plan. How about make it through until Sunday without any sweets. It sounds like baby steps for you. Then have a small treat, then say I made it 3 days, good now I'll shoot for a week. If you buy something not good, log on first, start a thread.."I have this candy bar in my hand and it's calling my name, HELP!!"
You CAN stop the cycle...You CAN0 -
tara_means_star wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »
Good question. I would also add that teaching your child to care about not intentionally hurting other peoples feelings isn't what I'd call "PC BS" either.
I don't understand why fat is such an offensive word???
If you called me brunette, I wouldn't get offended.
Fat is not a bad word. Skinny people have fat. Fat people have more fat than skinny people.
Society puts a negative connotation on fat and thats why it is so offensive. But you can't give it the power to make you feel worthless or lazy or anything else. If you are fat you are fat.
I am fat.
Its a word.
Does it encompass the kick *kitten* rock star I am???? HELL NO!!0 -
I have been there
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Shalaurise wrote: »This seems like a completely normal thing for a 5 year old to say. Heck, my 5 year old (at the time) would not stop trying to point out a woman who's breasts were exploding out of her shirt at dinner once. Or every time she asks me if someone is a boy or a girl. The incidences where she sees someone who is large enough that normal door openings pose a challenge and she is like "Mom, that person is fat."
Just because something may be true doesn't mean it is nice to say it, but kids do that. They have a lack of awareness of others that makes then blunt and generally honest about their observations (and demands).
Funny unrelated story ---
Typical conversation in my house between me and my mini-me:
Mini-me: "Mom, I'm hungry."
Me: "Hi hungry, I'm fat."
Mini-me: "Ugh, mom. I want something to eat."
Me: "I want to win the lotto, but we don't always get what we want now do we?"
Mini-me: *sigh*
Lesson: I don't jump just because you make a declarative statement. Ask nice if you want something or meet my sass.
All of this.
Love your cute little story.0 -
homerjspartan wrote: »allenpriest wrote: »Parenting advice from non parents is always, well, amusing.
Agreed. Seriously....I got 3. And if one of them ever did that the only thing beating them to the emergency room would be headlights of the ambulance they were riding in.....
Really? A 5-year-old.
Hope you would be expecting the police to be waiting for you when you arrive.0 -
homerjspartan wrote: »allenpriest wrote: »Parenting advice from non parents is always, well, amusing.
Agreed. Seriously....I got 3. And if one of them ever did that the only thing beating them to the emergency room would be headlights of the ambulance they were riding in.....
I bet you look super cool 80s explosion macho as your beating up kids to the point of immediate medical attention. *puts on shades and bobs head*0
This discussion has been closed.
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