helping to motivate a spouse w/o being an a-hole
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eek. not a fun thing to figure.
+1 marriage counseling
+1 maybe it is not the right marriage
and adding: motivational interviewing. If she brings up losing weight again, I would just say "I love you sweetie, but I would prefer you not talk about losing weight anymore. You've talked about it for many years and it doesn't happen. It's not the not losing weight that bothers me, but its the saying you're going to do something and not doing it that bothers me. I'd rather you just be honest about who and what you are."
...not an easy thing to manage but that's my perspective
Not a bad idea but not motivational interviewing.0 -
Man, this is a tough one. But... your wife is who she is, you know?
She's done WW. She's gone to counseling. She's talked the game. At this point, it seems to me, this is going to have to be about you deciding what you can live with for the rest of your life and what you can't.
I don't know you, but I'm betting you didn't think you were signing up to sit on your wife's commitment to fitness for the rest of your lives. Can you live with a wife who talks about fitness and complains about her weight but doesn't do anything about it, or is that a deal-breaker? If it's the latter, you should understand that the thing about deal-breakers is that they don't necessarily mean that one side or the other is at fault; they're just... things you thought you could live with but it turns out you really can't. There's no shame in that. Sometimes deal-breakers take you by surprise.
But if you honestly can't live with this, let it go, and let her go. She deserves someone who can take her as she is and you deserve someone who shares your values. If you can save it, save it, but realizing you're incompatible isn't a judgment on either of you. It's just how things work out sometimes.0 -
Your wife sounds very depressed. NAMI has great resources and support for spouses and family members, and they are in every state.
https://www.nami.org/
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Do you know that after 15 years of marriage and constantly hearing "I need to lose weight" from my husband. He is FINALLY trying. I think he finally got a bit nervous about his health. He could hardly catch his breath walking up the stairs. I've been going to a gym since I was 18. I'm just one if those people. He is not. He made his turnaround 2 weeks ago. He lost 6lbs and I keep telling him how proud I am that he wants to get healthy. Unfortunately it has to be in your wife's terms. Sometimes being insecure and comfortable means not caring as much.
I always notice after people break up or get divorced how suddenly their appearance changes. It shouldn't be that way but it is. Your wife has to want to change and only for herself. Hope she makes that decision not only for her appearance and insecurities but for her health. Good luck. I totally get it.0 -
My heart breaks for you and your wife. OP - I was your wife and you were my husband. I was relatively slim when I got married (although I never felt that way since I always had a few extra pounds). 2 babies later, I gradually put on weight and it continued to creep on year after year. By the beginning of this year, I was 40-50lbs overweight and actually was in the obese category.
I'll preface this by saying that I have the most amazing husband in the world. We have always had a strong marriage (a couple of bad patches, but we made it through) and both of us would agree on that. 15 happy years now. But when it came to my weight...
He nagged, he begged, he asked nicely, he started grabbing food off my plate, he pre-portioned things and doled it out to me. All that did was annoy me and cause me to rebel. I started hiding all my snacking and excessive eating from him. Getting up for late night snacks after he fell asleep, stashing food in cupboards, eating a lot of junk at work - I did it all. And the weight continued to creep on every year. I would go through brief periods of "trying to lose weight" but nothing stuck. I stopped telling him of any weight loss attempts, going to some lengths to hide it.
2 of my closest girlfriends lost all their extra weight. He tried comparing me to them - which just made me angry. My two girlfriends were sweet and not pushy, but even their gentle encouragement didn't get me to the point of anything sticking.
A couple of years ago, we had a heart to heart spurred on by the separation of close friends of ours. The husband was incredibly frustrated with his wife's weight and in the end, I think he gave her some kind of ultimatum. She did lose the weight, but that wasn't enough to get him to stay
Anyway, back to my DH - he told me just what you are saying here. He was so fed up - he had tried nagging, he had tried not nagging. He had tried everything you have done. He told me that it meant a lot to him for me to lose the weight and that he would see it as a sign of love. To him, my not being able to lose the weight meant that I didn't love him.
Oooo boy. That cut deep. I promised to give it another attempt. But it didn't stick. It was constantly at the back of my mind, but somehow - not enough for me to lose the weight. But soon, he stopped the nagging and the food-controlling ways. He just backed off and let me be.
Many, many months later (just a few months ago), I suddenly had the desire to try again. I discussed it briefly with him and he said great - and left it at that. I then proceeded to find various excuses why I couldn't start. Then January rolled around and all by myself I decided it was high time and just got started. Just like that.
I have NO idea what finally worked, if anything. I was suddenly ready. 4 weeks in, and I feel like I can conquer the world. I'm sure my husband is thrilled - but he has stayed quietly in the background and is just supportive of whatever I want to try, new recipes, weighing everything, whatever. He doesn't try to take an active role in anything - if anything he sometimes tries to convince me to skip a workout lol.
So I feel safe - sharing my struggles and my successes. One day I was super hangry and whined. I even told him I had decided to have a snack. He didn't say no or get in my face or anything. Just discussed with me what might be a good choice.
I don't have answers for you. But for me - my struggle with weight had NOTHING to do with not caring for my husband or for my marriage - I prize both. It feels like it was a mental block that only I could get past.0 -
kshama2001 wrote: »You are taking some flak on this post, but I just want to say that I have read every comment and I believe from your statements that you genuinely love your wife and care about her health. You are clearly frustrated by her downward spiral and inability/unwillingness to pull herself out of it, which also leaves you in a one-sided relationship. That is incredibly unfair. I commend you for staying by her side during this difficult point in your marriage and trying to figure out how to help her and your marriage instead of giving up. I hope the two of you find a path forward towards peace and happiness, and even have fun together again.
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WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »
my aunt and cousin invited us to do a race with them in april, and my wife hesitantly agreed. she's doing the 5K while i'm doing the half marathon. i know that if the race was tomorrow, she probably wouldn't be able to walk the 5K, but she hasn't started training at all. i invite her to our little fitness center so she could at least use the elliptical, but she's always too tired, didn't sleep that well, doesn't feel well, etc etc. she asks me to wake her up when i leave to work out so she can get up and do her PiYo, but then she's always too tired in the morning, promises to do it after work, but then is too tired to do it then.
Gah, you're missing the point
Smiley face because you genuinely mean well.
Asking her to go to the gym will not get her to the gym. She will lose weight if she GETS HERSELF TO THE GYM. Encouraging her to eat less will not get her to eat less or more healthy. She will lose weight if she DECIDES TO EAT LESS. She will when she believes she deserves to be her best, healthy self. When she believes she can do it. When she wants to go to the gym and change her diet. You asked how you can help? Help her be confident. Tell her you love her, full stop. Show her you desire her, full stop. (Not: I'll desire you if you lose weight. I'll love you if you get healthy.) Yeah, you might have to dig deep. But that's how to help motivate her, which was your original question. Motivate her by helping her motivate herself.
i've given up on asking her of my own volition. every now and then she will ask if i am going to run around the pond (which she won't do b/c it is cold and dark) or if i'm going to the fitness center treadmill, with the implication that she would join. I say that i will go to the fitness center with her, and when it is time to wake up and go, she's too tired. this is all her own idea.
sorry to read about your wife's depression. I hope she gets that worked out
I just wanted to say, possibly she asks about these activities just to have a chat about something that's important to you or that you love. It would be like me asking friends about a hobby I wouldn't be caught dead doing. I know it makes them happy and just want to hear them talk about it 0 -
WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »missblondi2u wrote: »The way you describe things, I think the drill sergeant dynamic is already the reality, and clearly not effective. I have quite a few friends and family in the military, and sometimes that "suck it up, soldier" mentality peeks through without you realizing it. Maybe a softer, less adversarial approach is in order.
For instance, you seem to have focused quite a bit on the exercising, but if your wife doesn't like working out she doesn't have to in order to lose weight. I'm not saying exercise isn't a good idea, but if it's a sticking point then why not help her start losing without it at first, then ease into it later as her self esteem and motivation builds?
Do you guys shop for and cook meals together? Why not pack her lunch for her sometimes so she can "lolly gag" (I'm thinking this is man-speak for just doing your hair and makeup) and still have a healthy lunch? While you're at it, leave a nice note inside telling her how beautiful she is!
I've been in her shoes, and I know how daunting weight loss can seem. An unkind or thoughtless word from someone you love can be heartbreaking when you feel so vulnerable, so take it easy on her and just support her as best you can.
she's been on WW for two years with no results, i don't know how she will do it w/o exercising, plus it will help with her mental health
yes we do shop together. I guess i could try make her lunch as well, but i wake up between 0430-0530 depending on what exercise i do that morning, and i move non stop in order to get myself ready to leave on time. lolly gagging is southern speak for not doing anything while there is stuff to do. she sits on the couch for 15 minutes at a time on her phone instead of getting ready
Pack the lunch the night before?
Quit WW for $$ savings since no results? Unless it provides a mental break, and an opportunity to interact with people in similar situations or some such
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Nobody cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.
Make her feel great, start small, compliments (not just about her appearance), affection, attention, be grateful for her - let her know that you are. It may take a while.....a long while. But persevere, once her mind starts to change then her body will too. Then get exercising in the bedroom......just love her and accept her.
Its ALL in the mind.0 -
WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »She's shown you for years that she prefers talking about losing weight to actually losing weight. Maybe she will change someday. But it's also possible that she won't. Can you continue to live with her as she is?
honestly, at this point it is far less about the actual weight and more about her showing she cares. Her psych doctor she goes to for anxiety/depression has been telling her for years that exercise will help with her situation, but she doesn't do it. her obgyn has recommended that she lose 25 lbs before getting pregnant, but she ignores that saying that it was just a suggestion, not something she has to do. her weight/self esteem has an effect on her libido and her general amount of energy to do anything other than sit on the couch. could i live with her weight? yes. can i live with her when i feel like she just doesn't care about her own health or the health of our marriage? idk, and that's why i'm reaching out.
If you are trying to have kids, STOP. Kids never solve marriage issues, they just make them worse. And right now you do have marriage problems. This does not sounds like a minor issue, for either of you.
First, accept your wife is who she is. There is no reason for you to believe she will change, at least not the way you want her to change. Be honest with yourself about how this affects you and be honest with her too. What if she never loses the weight? What if she gains a lot more? Are you going to be ok with it? Will you feel she does not care about your marriage enough to make changes? Will you be attracted to her (yes, this sounds something no one should dare mention, but it is an important part of a marriage). Accepting changes that happen over the years is one thing, feeling you are not attracted from the beginning to aspects of the other person's physical appearance or behaviour, it is a different story.
I understand you have spent large periods of this marriage separately. What if this changes? Will your lifestyles match? Will you want to do things that she is not remotely interested in and vice versa? Will you get tired of her problems and will she get tired of what is for her criticism?
Be honest to yourself about these issues, and be honest with her. Do not expect things to change from her part because she loves you, or because you have kids. Do not expect yourself to accept things you currently hate because you love her or because you will have kids. Marriages do not work like this. See if there are compromises that can be done now, and if you can find a way to accept each other. Do not wait and see, with the secret expectation from both of you, that with enough complaining from both sides you will change or she will change. If this is a case of "we will be happy together as long as she loses 100 lbs, stops complaining about her appearance, complies to her psychiatrist's advice, joins me in physical activities", this will end in misery for both. If she is thinking "we will be so happy, if he stops being so interested in weight, stops running around all the time, decides we can both spend more time indoors" again this will end in misery.
You need to address these issues now, not later. It will not be easy for either side, but it will be much harder to do this 10 years from now, after resentment has built up in both sides.0 -
OP because I just read the parts about her mental illness and this is something I have lived with in my family:
First, sorry if this sounds harsh, but really, unless there are changes regarding her mental health, double or triple up on birth control. She cannot cope with this if things are as you describe, until the issue is resolved.
Second, there are IMHO several types of mentally ill patients (completely personal and non-professional opinion):
-Ones who acknowledge the problem, fight to get their life back to normal, have better and worse periods, but in general, they try. If this is the case with her, you need to more actively get involved, talk to drs, discuss family therapy, get a second opinion, discuss medication plans and alternative meds, get into support groups for relatives and help her fight. And make sure she has the right diagnosis.
-The ones who do not acknowledge a problem exists at all. If you suspect this is the case, and after a reasonable effort spent on trying to help her face reality, you cut your losses and move on. You cannot help someone who does not acknowledge an illness exists. You can only ruin your life trying.
- And then, the ones who simply will not respond to treatment. They want to, take their meds, keep up with their appointments, but their situation is one that without new meds or treatments appearing, simply cannot improve. If this is the case, family will be a permanent caregiver. Life will not be normal. Despite the best intentions from everyone involved. If this what you suspect you are facing, again, educate yourself. Figure out what you should expect. Activities and lifestyle choices that might be normally expected might never happen for your family. You need to know what to expect, what can change, what can not, what are the probable scenarios, and if and how you can face this.
In any case, mental illness is not a minor detail. It is not something that can be ignored. It defines a person to some degree, and it changes a family dynamics, for better or worse. You do not want to deal with and would rather ignoreit and hope it fixes itself. You try tosee the other problems as irrelevant to this. It is how everyone reacts first. But it does not work like this.
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She needs to try another med, imho. Maybe a new shrink if the shrink hasn't suggested that already. I have biochemical depression, and different medicines mean a world of difference for me. Some just don't work. Maybe your wife isn't aware that a new one could change her mood so much!
Then some of it comes down to people being different, too. My dad is military and I lived and worked with him for a while in another country and nearly drove him batty (and vice versa). I have entirely different routines in the morning, like to take my lunch break where he works on through because he is never hungry, etc. You do remind me of him. Not having time to fix your lunch is pretty normal for a lot of folks (not me, actually) while it drives others bonkers. Don't sweat the truly small stuff. (Btw, Dad and I don't drive each other bonkers anymore, now that we both know that we are very distinct people
).
But I hear you about the overall problem. There are better resources for depression than she's probably aware of, imho. I'd suggest a yoga DVD for her, because it's the relaxed kind of exercise that a depressed person might feel like doing, and it helps anxiety particularly well (really).
And I'd suggest just trying to make things in general more fun and engaging for her if possible (date nights or just coffee out, interesting conversation at least, etc). If she feels happy enough to just get her head above water for a minute, she may tackle the depression with a professional the way she should (and discuss changing meds!). Then the weight problem would follow that, not vice versa, imho. Or if you could talk to the shrink it might not take the extra effort of having to try to perk her up to do it. She shouldn't even be on a medicine that doesn't work, honestly. Good luck!0 -
Having been on your wife's side of things my best advice would be to tell her each and every day that she's beautiful and try to make her feel good about herself even if she is overweight. My ex partner was never supportive of my many diets as I guess he'd heard it all before, and he never complimented me which made me feel worse. He was slim and fit so couldn't understand why I couldn't just lose weight. He would say 'it's easy just eat less'.
I think he can now see my side though as I see him the other day and he's now huge. ... I was tempted to say about eating less but put my inner btch aside
Does she have issues with food. I've been wanting to lose weight for years but food has always got the better of me. But trying again now x0 -
why not do her piyo exercises with her at home instead of going to the gym?
or ask if she would support you and join in a healthy eating or sugar free etc diet for a month - say u want to try it and it would be easier if she joined or at least supported by not having any tempting foods around
my partner gained weight with me and ive tried loads of fad diets which haven't worked in the past but this one is working now as its a long term lifestyle change, hubby is not bothered about losing weight but is slowly losing due to me cooking healthier meals, less snacks around the house etc so it is possible without them knowing too much lol
also for the prepping lunch thing - you could make that into a cost effective issue as its cheaper to prep than buy - I prep the night before most times
or is there maybe an exercise you want to try which she might be able to do that you can suggest i.e. yoga to become more flexible for some of your other exercises but not wanting to go to a class and doing it at home
I would hate for the only option of fitness be at a gym as im so self conscious!0 -
kshama2001 wrote: »You are taking some flak on this post, but I just want to say that I have read every comment and I believe from your statements that you genuinely love your wife and care about her health. You are clearly frustrated by her downward spiral and inability/unwillingness to pull herself out of it, which also leaves you in a one-sided relationship. That is incredibly unfair. I commend you for staying by her side during this difficult point in your marriage and trying to figure out how to help her and your marriage instead of giving up. I hope the two of you find a path forward towards peace and happiness, and even have fun together again.
+ 2
+a gazillion
I am in a sort of similar situation, but can see it both sides. I used to be like your wife, always talking about losing weight, starting fitness, but never actually having the gumption to get in the gym or even work out at home. Then towards the end of last year, my brain just went 'enough now' and something clicked. I've lost a lot of weight, I work out at least six days a week, and when I'm not at the gym I'm often thinking about my next workout.
Right now, my SO is severely depressed and has always battled chronic depression. A lost job, a house move, family commitments are all exacerbating the situation. My SO is not hugely overweight, but a potbelly (mostly caused by beer) is still there - I still find my partner so sexy, and say so every day. However, living with someone with chronic depression really does mean you need to make the effort to understand it - I used to get frustrated when I'd come home from a long day at work and literally nothing around the house had been done, but I knew it was because even getting out of bed was a significant positive action for the day.
Things are on the improve at the moment, with a medication review, the possibility of a new job, and a bit more motivation to generally get stuff done. However, it's taken months and months, and I know it won't be the last time we face it together. We're not married, we don't own property together, we don't have kids - I could leave tomorrow if I wanted to. But that's the thing - despite not having these things, I'm as committed as if I'd taken a vow on it. I choose to stay because the fun-loving person I met is still there - like your wife, what you're currently dealing with, speaking with, interacting with every day is not her, it's her depression. It's a cruel parasite that takes hold until the boundaries are blurred and you can't see whether it's them or the depression, so you get frustrated and you also think it's because of you.
It's not. I promise you, it's nothing to do with you.
I used to want to lose weight etc because I thought it would make me more attractive to my SO. Now, I do it because I can see how it's starting to give my partner motivation to make better choices and inspiration for the future. I do most of the cooking now, and try to always have food in the house so there's no excuse of 'we haven't got anything in so let's order/go out'. It's the start of a long climb, but it only came about because I turned my internal focus from thinking that my SO doesn't care about me/our relationship anymore to seeing it's the depression that causes such serious lack of motivation etc. When you realise their depression isn't about you, it really will become easier to cope with.
I applaud you reaching out to find help on motivation and to find ways to change the situation (not change your wife) so you can stay as committed and loving as you clearly are. I wish you the very best in your future: it's going to be a long hard slog, but time really will make such a difference.0 -
Who owns the house?0
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sorry just remembered about her singing up to the 5k in april - could you maybe do the c25k programme with her - likely at night when no one can see (which is when I normally try to run) just make sure you take it easy on the run part for her (more a fast walk prob for u)
is she competitive with any other family members that are also taking part in the 5k?0 -
So I was going to suggest group fitness classes like Zumba for fun and fitness, but didn't because OP you said she had anxiety and preferred not to go to the gym. I still think she could be thinking of the gym as running on a treadmill or elliptical around a bunch of thin, fit people, or worse yet, huffing, puffing, looking gross and/or failing around you. With something like a Zumba class I'm guessing you wouldn't be caught dead doing one, and she could just kinda hide out at the back and try having some fun, maybe meet some people if she wants to. Try suggesting this to her and see if she may be interested in this, as compared to some of the other fitness options. Then you could go visit some gyms or studios, maybe use any free trial offerings and see if there's one she might like. FYI a lot of women will drag their spouse to the first few classes. Don't wuss out!!0
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So I was going to suggest group fitness classes like Zumba for fun and fitness, but didn't because OP you said she had anxiety and preferred not to go to the gym. I still think she could be thinking of the gym as running on a treadmill or elliptical around a bunch of thin, fit people, or worse yet, huffing, puffing, looking gross and/or failing around you. With something like a Zumba class I'm guessing you wouldn't be caught dead doing one, and she could just kinda hide out at the back and try having some fun, maybe meet some people if she wants to. Try suggesting this to her and see if she may be interested in this, as compared to some of the other fitness options. Then you could go visit some gyms or studios, maybe use any free trial offerings and see if there's one she might like. FYI a lot of women will drag their spouse to the first few classes. Don't wuss out!!
There's also a really awesome Wii Zumba game. Fantastic workout, you can compete against each other, and isn't a social hurdle to overcome.0 -
my wife has been telling me for years that all she needs from me is encouragement, not judgement or me pushing her to exercise or eat better. it perplexed me, because all i could think about was, "you haven't done anything to deserve encouragement". i kept thinking that once she crossed that threshold and started exercising and eating better, i'd shower her with praise, but she had to do her part to earn it. i knew deep down that as my wife she shouldn't have to earn praise and encouragement, but it was still confusing to me. it wasn't until i heard the same from so many other people outside the situation that it clicked, that backing off and just creating an environment where she feels could produce the results we both want. last night i apologized for being so pushy, explained that deep down i just wanted her to be happy, and that i believed so much that getting healthier would make her happier and that caused me to go overboard with the encouragement. i let her know that i understood that's not how i'm supposed to make her happy, and that i would be working on it, and asked in advance to forgive me if my body language gave away my frustrations with any of her choices. she admitted that she hadn't been giving WW much effort, and that she wanted to lose weight, but when i got "controlling" her brain would tell her to fight and take back control, basically thinking "i'll show you, i just won't do anything". we had a good evening together, and this morning was the first one in awhile that didn't have an air of tension between us. She didn't eat as healthy as she could have last night, and she didn't get up early with me to exercise, but it actually wasn't that hard for me to just let it slide. Hopefully i can keep it up. We still have a lot to work on and will need help, but the foundation is there. Thanks again to everyone who gave advice and shared similar experiences.0
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