Obsessive/Unhealthy Dieting Relationship
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Look, we don't need to be mean or attack the OP. Yes, its frustrating when ppl won't take your advice, especially when its good advice that they likely should take.
OP, if this is hard for u that's fine, its normal, but the choice is up to you: either you give up or you find a way to make it work and push through it - that is your choice. But if you don't want to take the advice that is offered then maybe don't seek it out. Good luck with all future endeavors!0 -
You are overly worried. A lot of what you are worried about is minor. A lot of what you are worrying about is no big deal and it looks like you are trying to do too much. Rest, relax and go with the flow and remember your faith.
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I've never weighed my food by using a scale. That is a weight watchers thing. And the reason they do this is because if they used the calorie counting approach they would go out of business. This is the beauty of my fitness pal. Counting calories. Easy. Practical. It works.0
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Why can't you just carry around some food in your purse/bag that doesn't require refrigeration that you can eat on the fly or should your plans change? Consistently carry peanut butter, fruit, pitas, canned soup, crackers etc. It would be the simplest and most straight forward solution to me. If this is not a case of friends pressuring you, why do you feel you need to concoct meals every single night? Just pull out a banana and a pita and you're done.
People here have made excellent suggestions but you have shot all of them down. If you have been at this for years, you should really try taking their advice whether you think it would work or not. If it's not your priority, it's not your priority.0 -
I did check out the eating disorder website, but I'm not seeing where it can help. I don't have traditional binges, and I'm certainly not anorexic or bulimic.
I'm listening to the Beck Diet solution again. I've read the book at least half a dozen times. I'm trying the small goal thing. I'm trying to eat more fruits and vegetables. I went to another OA meeting yesterday, but I still don't see how typing that I relate to someone spending 20 minutes rambling actually is supposed to help anything.
I can't be the only one who goes from weighing and measuring everything to being so sick and tired of weighing, measuring, and tracking food that they just don't want to do it anymore.0 -
I do bring food with me places. THAT IS THE PROBLEM. I'm tired of going over to people's houses and eating my own food at dinnertime. It's WEIRD.0
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If you are seeing these people at least once a week during your group, you probably have some level of comfort with them, right? I don't understand why it's so 'WEIRD'. My friends wouldn't give a hoot what I did if we had regular meet-ups and I wanted to eat my own thing. I could understand if it was a very special event and you were carrying around your own dinner, but if it's casual and ongoing meet-ups, what's the big deal? My colleagues at work are constantly eating together, sharing food, and going out - I don't participate. They don't mind.0
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The fact that your behavior is causing you significant distress is something you should not ignore. Find a counselor, or at least a trusted friend, that you can talk to about some of these things, before it gets any worse.0
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I do bring food with me places. THAT IS THE PROBLEM. I'm tired of going over to people's houses and eating my own food at dinnertime. It's WEIRD.
Why not eat a small meal or snack before going over there? That way you can still eat with them, have smaller portions, and still be satisfied.0 -
jennifer_417 wrote: »The fact that your behavior is causing you significant distress is something you should not ignore. Find a counselor, or at least a trusted friend, that you can talk to about some of these things, before it gets any worse.
She can't afford it, and it probably wouldn't help anyway.
Just saving the OP the trouble of answering.0 -
Hi Ftsolk. Do you really want to lose weight or do you just like talking about it? I ask because it seems that you're making this even harder than it has to be. And I can relate. I had to adjust because I don't want to obsess and diet. I want to control my weight in a sustainable manner.
So you've been weighing food for a while... Right? Have you developed the instinct to be able to gauge a serving size? Leave the scale home (still log the food though) and Try it for a couple weeks and see what impact it has on your losses. You may be surprised!
The anxiety you're feeling isn't necessary to lose weight and it's probably time to try other methods so you can move on to sustainable weight loss.
I wish you the best of luck!0 -
It sounds like you are looking for an excuse to quit. Which is fine, you don't have to lose weight. But if you want to lose weight, there are obviously ways to do it without being completely obsessive. Why not decide on a reasonable number of times to eat food prepared by others (I go out a couple times a week usually, and did this when losing weight) and then decide how you want to handle it. If the food is reasonably consistent with your plan, focus on sticking to reasonable portions and eating only a little dessert, if offered. If you think there won't be lower cal options or vegetables, offer to bring a vegetable course or eat more vegetables and lower calories earlier in the day. If you think you will want to overeat and want the freedom to do so, work it into your week or exercise more on that day (my long run/bike days were usually Saturday and I go out for dinner most Saturdays, for example).
For the other meals, keep doing what you are doing -- seems like your friends understand and are cool with it. OR, think hard about whether you really need to eat out on those days. Bible study is great, does it have to be combined with dinner? Stuff like that.
Also, I agree that after weighing for a while you should be able to gauge portions somewhat, and can have a meal out without a scale (but logging anyway with estimates is often a good reality check -- I did this for restaurant meals when I was actively losing). If that stalls your losses, you'll know that you are underestimating and will have to eat a bit less than you think you can.0 -
This is incredibly frustrating to read. It does seem you want permission to quit because you shoot down everything everyone suggests. So do it, just quit.
Orrrr, stop being hung up about making sure your plate is half full of veggies at every meal. Use some of the skills you absolutely have to have learned in all these years of weighing and measuring to eyeball reasonable portions. It's not like you're 4'1 with 5lbs to lose and therefore have tiny margins of error to play with. I eat out reasonably regularly and still lose.
It seems you are putting up barriers that don't actually exist to excuse yourself from continuing. You've lost 20lbs since October, that's a great achievement so you are able to lose at a good pace. You could just relax about eating with friends, maybe you'll lose a little slower but you'll still lose. There are people with all kinds of lifestyles who are able to lose and maintain but they don't make excuses for every single little thing for years on end.0 -
CICO is for weight loss. Sounds like you're understanding the CI part fine. But are you doing anything to help with the CO part? While exercise is for fitness and health, it DOES help with calorie expenditure. And it doesn't have to be something crazy. Walking is fine if you do it for a decent duration.
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For do it yourself therapy I suggest reading up on cognitive distortion, cognitive behavioural therapy, reframing, and mindfulness.
You may also save significant funds by dropping the Weight Watchers and monitoring your intake through MFP alone.
To recover from burnout you may need a break from ALL commitments for three to six weeks. If you have managed to collect a few hangers on perhaps you can get a note from your doctor proving that you need this break.
Then re-consider all your commitments and only pick up those that contribute to your well-being.
Consider it a mental health reboot.0 -
Moving from total control which is unsustainable to controlled chaos which is where most of us live is more like surfing a wave. Sometimes life overwhelms but starting again is as easy as getting back on the board.
Asking life to be as straight and predictable as a train ride means dynamiting any mountains in the way, laying track, pounding nails...way too much investment for everyday folks.0 -
VintageFeline wrote: »This is incredibly frustrating to read. It does seem you want permission to quit because you shoot down everything everyone suggests. So do it, just quit.
Orrrr, stop being hung up about making sure your plate is half full of veggies at every meal. Use some of the skills you absolutely have to have learned in all these years of weighing and measuring to eyeball reasonable portions. It's not like you're 4'1 with 5lbs to lose and therefore have tiny margins of error to play with. I eat out reasonably regularly and still lose.
It seems you are putting up barriers that don't actually exist to excuse yourself from continuing. You've lost 20lbs since October, that's a great achievement so you are able to lose at a good pace. You could just relax about eating with friends, maybe you'll lose a little slower but you'll still lose. There are people with all kinds of lifestyles who are able to lose and maintain but they don't make excuses for every single little thing for years on end.
All of this. I'm one that has seen your excuse filled posts many times over the years OP. Obsessing over weight loss and your social life and all the anxiety it causes you does not sound like it would be enjoyable. You either need to find a way to let go of some of these obsessions and figure out how to work your weight loss into your lifestyle, or you need to see a counselor to deal with it. You said you filled out an eating disorder survey but I think you need to talk to a professional about your day to day anxiety about life. Is it only weight loss that you obsess about? What about your studies, your job, etc? Regardless, you are young and this is not normal or healthy to have this much anxiety.
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You have been given good advice here at MFP and the WW message boards consider seeking professional help, learn to eyeball portions of food you eat at get together so you can log, step away from dieting etc. I hope you can find a path that works for you.0
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nutmegoreo wrote: »I'm not sure how stretching will help, but I'll try stretching more. I can't get into the meditation aspect of yoga because that aspect of taking a yoga class conflicts with my religious beliefs.
This is really interesting to me. I was in Thailand learning about meditation over the summer. Although it was at a Buddhist temple, Buddhism wasn't a big part of the teachings. Mindfulness was a big part of the teachings though. It's interesting that your religion forbids meditation, but mindfulness is acceptable (I'm guess, because you said that you were reading about mindful eating). I'm not questioning what you are saying, just stating that from my experiences, I find this fascinating.I've tried OA many times. I don't see the point. Granted, I only tried the online meetings because they seemed less intimidating. You aren't allowed to use full sentences (at least in the meetings I've been to), and there's never any feedback given. I feel like it's a bunch of robots echoing each other: "tyfs" "relates" "hugs". I'll give it another go around though.
I'm just tired of feeling out of control if I can't cook, weigh, and measure my food AND even trying to do something less daunting like writing down what I eat without worrying about measurements/numbers is STILL stressing me out.
And this is why you need professional help.
Well, the hospitalization I obviously need isn't in the budget right now.
I didn't mention hospitalization? There's alot of out-patient resources out there. You should visit the link I provided you earlier.
I did. I took the online screening and I'm not at risk for disordered eating. I don't have anorexia or bulimia, and I don't go on traditional binges.
I've tried little things like intermittent fasting, but even on the rare occasions that I was able to combine it with sticking to a calorie goal, I gained weight in the process. Plus, my schedule doesn't allow me to eat meals at the same time every day. Some days, lunch is at noon. Other days, it's closer to 4pm, and that's not likely to change anytime soon.
From their website:
" Call our toll free, confidential Helpline at 1-800-931-2237
We are here every Monday-Thursday from 9:00 am - 9:00 pm and Friday from 9:00 am - 5:00 pm (EST). Our helpline volunteers will be there to offer support and guidance with compassion and understanding."
Just because you don't fit in with Anorexia, Bulimia or BED, doesn't mean you don't need help or have an disordered thinking. Call the number, tell them your problem and they'll direct you to the appropriate resources.0 -
prettysoul1908 wrote: »Hi Ftsolk. Do you really want to lose weight or do you just like talking about it? I ask because it seems that you're making this even harder than it has to be. And I can relate. I had to adjust because I don't want to obsess and diet. I want to control my weight in a sustainable manner.
So you've been weighing food for a while... Right? Have you developed the instinct to be able to gauge a serving size? Leave the scale home (still log the food though) and Try it for a couple weeks and see what impact it has on your losses. You may be surprised!
The anxiety you're feeling isn't necessary to lose weight and it's probably time to try other methods so you can move on to sustainable weight loss.
I wish you the best of luck!
OP I think that a lot of your has to do with what I bolded. You mentioned that you are on a lot of different sites all related to your weight loss. If you spend a lot of time talking about weight loss it may be causing to burn yourself out as well. Having an outlet to be able to connect to others or be able to get your thoughts out is great, but if you have a bunch of different accounts/sites/blogs to keep up with regarding weight loss it's either obsessive or just attention seeking. Either way like I said I think it's contributing to your burn out.0 -
I have the Beck Diet solution- both in paperback and on Audible. I must say, I'm not a fan. There's just something about the attitude I perceive that rubs me the wrong way. She seems condescending. Keeping index cards with reasons I want to lose weight on hand? I'm trying to get AWAY from obsessiveness. Sure, when I listen to it, it does help rein in some of my tendencies to "slash the other three tires", but the overall program just makes things worse.
I DID like "Mindless Eating" and "Slim by Design" by Brian Wansink. In that sense, I also love Leslie Sansone's "Eat Smart, Walk Strong." They're all more about creating healthy habits to help you lose or maintain your weight- smaller plates/glasses, eating more fruits and vegetables, etc.
But even if I set a few small goals: eating 5 fruits and vegetables, not eating after 9pm, working out for 30 minutes, and drinking 8 glasses of water, if I slip up and don't reach my goal one day, I find it nearly impossible to get back on track. It's my all-or-nothing/black and white thinking. I've gotten a LOT better, but it's still a struggle. Before you know it, one meal where I can't fill half my plate with fruit/veggies because there simply aren't enough (or any) being served turns into me breaking my "no seconds" rule or grazing/snacking for hours.
My life changed dramatically when my therapist pointed out that "between black and white, there is a whole lotta grey - life is in the grey". Realize that grey is ok.0 -
Even aim for the gray sometimes as an exercise in getting comfortable with it. Eat a meal with the wrong portion of veggies and then force yourself right back on track. Sometimes we let our neuroses give us excuses to give up. Fight back. You know the tendency. You have the power to intervene. There's a brief moment when you make a choice in your head to let the black and white thinking win. You know it when it happens.
"My dinner wasn't 100% perfect, so I'll just eat the dessert, and the wine, and the this...." Just a few times of deciding not to let it win gives you the power to not give in to it in the future.
"My dinner wasn't 100% perfect so I'll just eat the rest." Intervening thought: "No, my goals still matter and my dinner was close enough. I don't have to be perfect to succeed. I don't need the dessert. I haven't blown it yet but if I go off the rails in this moment, I will have. And I'll have reinforced the black or white thinking that's plaguing me."0 -
You appear to have maturity and attention seeking issues. Address those, then address weight loss.0
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WalkingAlong wrote: »Even aim for the gray sometimes as an exercise in getting comfortable with it. Eat a meal with the wrong portion of veggies and then force yourself right back on track. Sometimes we let our neuroses give us excuses to give up. Fight back. You know the tendency. You have the power to intervene. There's a brief moment when you make a choice in your head to let the black and white thinking win. You know it when it happens.
"My dinner wasn't 100% perfect, so I'll just eat the dessert, and the wine, and the this...." Just a few times of deciding not to let it win gives you the power to not give in to it in the future.
"My dinner wasn't 100% perfect so I'll just eat the rest." Intervening thought: "No, my goals still matter and my dinner was close enough. I don't have to be perfect to succeed. I don't need the dessert. I haven't blown it yet but if I go off the rails in this moment, I will have. And I'll have reinforced the black or white thinking that's plaguing me."
This is good advice, and sounds like what I read in The Beck Diet Solution.
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I do bring food with me places. THAT IS THE PROBLEM. I'm tired of going over to people's houses and eating my own food at dinnertime. It's WEIRD.
Somewhere up there you said "unfortunately my social life revolves around food". No, food is around for all of us all the time. It's your perspective or mentality putting the focus on the food. Somebody else's focus might be on catching up with a particular friend.
After doing this calorie counting/weighing thing for months, are you not developing a sense of what a reasonable portion of food looks like and how it feels against your appetite? Do you eat at these events weven though you aren't hungry? After months of eating at my calorie goal with just a few days going over, I've developed a pretty good sense of what feels like too much. I'd be hard pressed to eat more than around 700 calories in one sitting and not know it. At that point it is a choice whether I want to continue on.
So, I guess my suggestion is to change your focus away from food being the center of these activities, and also work on listening to and learning your body's hunger/satiety signals.
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Moving from total control which is unsustainable to controlled chaos which is where most of us live is more like surfing a wave. Sometimes life overwhelms but starting again is as easy as getting back on the board.
Asking life to be as straight and predictable as a train ride means dynamiting any mountains in the way, laying track, pounding nails...way too much investment for everyday folks.
I always love reading your comments. Such wisdom, such great analogies.
OP, I find myself to be the obsessive type as well. Not just with food -- with everything. I get totally focused on whatever it is I'm wanting to do for a few weeks or months at a time, and then I get burned out on it. After many years, I've realized a few things.
(1) I need to strive for SOME balance. I can't neglect my classes, research, teaching, etc (I'm a grad student) to nurture my obsession of the month. So, I try to pencil in set times when I'll be doing my work, and then I don't feel anxious or guilty.
(2) I can't do everything. It's alright to let some of the non-essentials go if I want to really focus on something else for a while. I can re-incorporate them into my life when my obsession wanes.
(3) Take full advantage of motivation when it strikes, and if you get burned out, realize that it's OK to take a break.
So, here's what I recommend. Decide what your priorities are and what you really want to focus on right now. If that's weight loss, then focus on it. If you're invited to stay for dinner after babysitting, say no thank you. Don't spend the night. Maybe do just the one bible study that works out with eating dinner beforehand. Realize that your focus is on eating healthily, and know that you won't have to weigh and measure everything forever but it's your tool right now. And if you need a break after a few weeks, take it.
If you don't want to focus on weight loss right now, that's okay too. It sounds like you've got a lot going on.
Also, you may want to read up on ADHD. The control you seek, the tendency to hyper-focus on things, and the anxiety are all very typical of ADHD. There are many successful people who have it (actually, the profession with the highest percentage of people with ADHD is ER surgeon). Even if you don't think you have it and aren't diagnosed, there are a plethora of techniques developed that can help you learn to use these tendencies to work for you, rather than against you.
Best of luck!
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If you are very religious, can't you talk to your pastor or someone else at the church? Don't they have counseling at church? Perhaps the answer you are searching for here on the boards can be found in your religion. I'm just suggesting this because it seems like the "regular" suggestions here don't seem to work for you.0
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I do bring food with me places. THAT IS THE PROBLEM. I'm tired of going over to people's houses and eating my own food at dinnertime. It's WEIRD.
I'm trying to think what I'd do if I ate out that often. Usually I'd eat less earlier in the day, but that would get old going out so much.
I think I'd wish it were a situation where I could cook my own food or a function where I didn't have to eat. Fortunately for you, the friends don't mind you using their kitchen, so you could bring your own food! And the Bible studies have a different purpose than the food, so you could opt out and eat before or after! Nice. The solutions really are right there, but they are what is aggravating you.
If you are really upset that others don't have to do that, you'd have to do what 'naturally' thin people tend to do: eat less at other times, exercise more/be more active and/or eat smaller portions.
They also don't have to run a deficit, so that's where our past catches up to us that way. It sucks, but those extra candy bars (for me, lol) don't just magically disappear. We ate too much at some point, so getting upset about it needs to acknowledge our part in it (in the past). It wasn't done to us. The extra weight is because of choices the other people didn't make and we did. But it's good that changing choices takes care of that problem over time It's very fixable! But the aggravation shouldn't be an excuse to not see what's right in front of us*. It is hard, tho, and yes, obsessive seeming at times. Good luck!
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I think if the Beck Diet solution was written differently, I'd like it more. I DO like some of the things I've read in it. I just don't care for her approach. I definitely am less black and white about dieting than I used to be. I can go out for burgers and fries with friends and go right back to eating quinoa and broccoli the next day.
The problem is, I haven't been able to do that every time, and I'm so sick and tired of weighing, measuring and tracking. The idea of eating plain yogurt with fruit as a snack doesn't overwhelm me. I bought chicken sausage, vegetables, and lentils to throw together for lunch on Tuesday when I'm out with friends (I have to pack a lunch for this). I bought frozen seafood. I figure this upcoming week (Monday through Saturday), I'll have 18 meals. 14-16 of those will likely be meals at home OR meals that I'm packing. That means, even if I do have dinner at a friend's house a couple times during the week, at least 75% of my food should be reasonable. And it's not like my friends eat terribly. Tuesday, if I eat at a friend's house for dinner, I know there will be a TON of veggies (my friend will sneak vegetables in EVERYTHING- shredded carrots mixed in ground beef, butternut squash puree in chili). The worst thing about eating there is that her husband is on a low-carb diet, so everything is full fat, but that's what I prefer anyway. (And it means that things like pasta and rice are kept on the side, so I can avoid the white rice that she eats).
Even if I do decide to have pizza when I babysit Saturday night (assuming they decide to order it), that's still in my 2-4 potential meals out of the house this week (and I'll probably throw some veggies on the side to make it a LITTLE better if I don't bring my own dinner (if I end up out of the house for breakfast or lunch, I'm less worried because lunch at my friend's houses usually involves me raiding their refrigerator and throwing something together).
I wonder if I just focus on eating mostly whole, minimally processed ingredients at home (whole grains, vegetables, fruit, dairy, healthy fats) while avoiding added sugar and obvious junk food, then maybe that'll be a good start. Then, out of the house, I can try incorporating little tricks that I know I should try following: filling up the plate once unless it's fruits/veggies, skipping sweets unless it's actually a special occasion or rare-homemade treat (which I'm usually good about doing), and trying to stick to a semi-consistent schedule of eating breakfast, lunch, dinner, and maybe 1-2 snacks).
That's what I need. I need a way to eat well most of the time, enjoy time with friends, and NOT obsess over calories or points or any of that.0
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