my husband thinks that I am ungrateful
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How do I explain to my husband that a box of chocolates is an unsuitable present for a chocoholic overweight wife in the second week of a weight loss diet. Incidently I responded by eating 15 in quick succession before our birthday tea which included a raspberry and cream dessert cake made by his 92 year old mum. The outcome is 1500 Cal daily excess, an exploding tummy and a deep feeling of resentfulness. Help me!
Chocolate, birthdays and other special occasions will not disappear because you want to lose weight. You need a plan, where you lose weight and these things continue to exist. Next time, eat one piece of chocolate, as a treat, once a day. Eat a small portion of cake on this special day, or spend more time at the gym, or go for a long walk or eat less the rest of the day. O thank grandma and do nto eat, jsut take it home with you for when you can eat it. If the plan for weight loss and maintaining the new weight is for desserts to disappear, then this plan cannot work.0 -
I haven't read all the comments on this long topic. If I told my husband I was going to make an effort to lose weight, and he knew I couldn't resist chocolate, and bought some for me, I would be really mad. It isn't nice to do that and if nothing else would mean he didn't take me seriously. My home is one of the few places where I can control what I eat, especially trigger foods.
I would give the chocolates to my next door neighbors (I want to say throw in the trash, but not to my husband, especially when the neighbors would take the chocolates. I used to work in a food office, both clients and workers, and even thought about quitting every year around the holidays to get away from the mountains of food. When clients brought me Christmas food gifts I would wait until they left and throw the food (stuff with thousands of calories) in the dumpster or walk down the block and give it to the community soup kitchen.1 -
Pathmonkey wrote: »My ex husband used to do the same thing to me! (note his status is EX). He was overweight as well.....I just have to conclude he was sabotaging my efforts. Nip this in the bud now....it borders on cruelty.
I have to conclude you just never took responsibility for your lack of willpower and determination.
Cruelty? Yes, how cruel of her husband to buy her a gift. *eyeroll*11 -
I'm a sober alcoholic. Every year people buy me bottles of wine. The problem is mine not theirs. My weight is my problem not theirs. They are trying to be nice, kind, or loving. I sincerely say "Thank you" and re-gift as soon as possible. They don't require a dissertation on my neurosis du jour. I must to accept my responsibility for my life. When all else fails I go for a run........ A different obsession.
Yup, I could have written this same post.
I think communicating with the husband is the issue, and yeah, I wouldn't expect someone really close to me to buy me booze, but the idea that if it is purchased for you you lose all control and have no responsibility for eating or drinking it is nuts.1 -
snickerscharlie wrote: »My husband always calls me on his way home from work to see if we need anything from the store. You know, milk, cream, bread, etc. He would also sometimes pick up a chocolate bar for me as a treat - one of the many ways he has of showing he loves me and is thinking of me.
When I went on my diet last year (and lost 75 lbs) I asked him not to pick me up a chocolate bar anymore unless I asked him for one.
He bought them for me because he loves me. He stopped buying them for me because he loves me.
Communication is key.
You found a man who listens the first time you tell him something
And takes it in?
Wha? Where?
:bigsmile:
I shopped around.
A lot.11 -
paperpudding wrote: »nicholasedwards5477 wrote: »You don't have to eat them. If you don't have the willpower to resist then you're not ready to lose weight!
That seems a really silly POV to me
Some people are ready to resist everything and others need to make baby steps getting toward that - or they have some foods which are always triggers to them and they are better off not having them in the house at all ( and nicely asking spouses to buy alternative gifts next time)
having great will power is not a goal in itself - finding a way to manage your lack of will power (eg by not having boxes of chocolates in the house) is the better approach for some people.
I thought he or she was right.
Not that OP should have eaten them (that depends), but that if you are going to use temptation -- being given a box of chocolates -- as an excuse for overeating, you are still in excuse mode, not in a frame of mind to take responsibility.
I don't buy a box of chocolates for myself because why make it harder, but I've been given them and didn't pretend that forced me to eat it anymore than the fact that there is food at my office always forces me to eat it. In the world we live in most of us will be exposed to foods we find tempting quite often. If that means we can't diet, we aren't ready.
If she doesn't want to eat the chocolates (which I think is a valid choice, although I'd probably moderate them by eating them over a long period of time), then giving them away and explaining to her husband that she doesn't feel like she can exercise self control now is an okay solution. It's not what I'd do (I feel terrible if people think I don't like a gift, so I'd pretend to like it and do the freezer thing), but I think that's my own neurosis, probably. I would be sure to communicate with him about not wanting food-based gifts before the next gift-giving day.
Using it as an excuse for overeating, that's lying to herself.6 -
kommodevaran wrote: »CattOfTheGarage wrote: »kommodevaran wrote: »Today we see the dark side of MFP "My husband brings me food I can't moderate!" "Oh, just be grateful, and eat them in moderation!"
If you can't moderate, give them away. Or throw them away. The point is, the person losing weight needs their *own* strategy, rather than throwing the responsibility onto others. You can't make the world into a padded cell that's free of temptation.
IMO, blaming him for not getting this (what OP seemed to be doing, and what others accusing him of "sabotage" were doing) is wrong. He was trying to be nice. Communicating with him in advance is the answer. Too often people think loved ones should be able to read their minds, IMO.
But if OP claims he MADE her eat, that's a separate problem, and not about moderation vs. not.3 -
Aaron_K123 wrote: »I have to ask though if just the appearance of chocolate causes you to overeat by 1500 calories what is your long-term plan for maintaining at a healthy weight?
Sounds to me like you need to practice self-discipline and control and practice with occasional exposure to chocolate might be good for that. When encountering chocolate realize that that is going to happen throughout your life and rather than casting external blame remind yourself of your goals and ask whether your goals are more or less important to you than chocolate and act accordingly.
Living literally in fear of chocolate and feeling anger towards those that offer it is no way to live.
Here is the thing. If a loved one buys you chocolate and your response to that is to set it aside and not touch it then they will pick up on that and next time they won't buy you chocolate. All with you not having said a word. If they feel offended you didn't eat their gift then that's on them and if they need to know why they can ask you and you can give them a totally reasonable response.
This. Part of this process is learning how to appropriately handle the real life situations you're going to face in the many years of maintenance that come after the short weight loss phase. Birthdays, holidays and food gifts are a part of that. This isn't about your husband, it's about you learning how to deal with real life in a way that fits with your goals.
A gift of chocolate is a great opportunity practice moderation. Figure out how many you can fit in with your calorie goals and then enjoy your chocolate, guilt free. And when you go over, which will happen once in a while, use that as a learning opportunity as well. Learn how to get back on plan the next day, how one higher calorie day does not cancel out all the progress you've already made and most importantly- how this is a lifelong process and life is better with a bit of chocolate once in a while4 -
snickerscharlie wrote: »snickerscharlie wrote: »My husband always calls me on his way home from work to see if we need anything from the store. You know, milk, cream, bread, etc. He would also sometimes pick up a chocolate bar for me as a treat - one of the many ways he has of showing he loves me and is thinking of me.
When I went on my diet last year (and lost 75 lbs) I asked him not to pick me up a chocolate bar anymore unless I asked him for one.
He bought them for me because he loves me. He stopped buying them for me because he loves me.
Communication is key.
You found a man who listens the first time you tell him something
And takes it in?
Wha? Where?
:bigsmile:
I shopped around.
A lot.
Ahhh
I always used to enjoy ...shopping4 -
snickerscharlie wrote: »snickerscharlie wrote: »My husband always calls me on his way home from work to see if we need anything from the store. You know, milk, cream, bread, etc. He would also sometimes pick up a chocolate bar for me as a treat - one of the many ways he has of showing he loves me and is thinking of me.
When I went on my diet last year (and lost 75 lbs) I asked him not to pick me up a chocolate bar anymore unless I asked him for one.
He bought them for me because he loves me. He stopped buying them for me because he loves me.
Communication is key.
You found a man who listens the first time you tell him something
And takes it in?
Wha? Where?
:bigsmile:
I shopped around.
A lot.
Ahhh
I always used to enjoy ...shopping
It was mostly window shopping, mind you. Not like I took them all home, tried them on and then returned them the next day.
You can learn a lot about whether they will suit you or not while they're still in the store.10 -
My mom sends me cookies each birthday from an AMAZING bakery in my home town: one for each year. This year she sent me 26 delicious, thick, chewy, chocolate chip cookies. Years prior I could probably eat 4-5 in a sitting for several days and feel miserable, but obligated to eat them before they went bad. This year? I ate one and froze the rest. Then, when I wanted a treat, I pulled a frozen cookie out and would either nuke it and put Halo Top over it's gooey deliciousness, or eat it frozen or thawing (like an icecream sandwich). Holy wow it was such a treat 26 times over- I enjoyed this MUCH better and for way longer.
OP - take the rest of the chocolates and do the same! Freeze them and ration them out for yourself! No need to never get chocolate again. That was sweet of your husband to get you something you love. Now do something to love yourself and eat a chocolate every now and again.7 -
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I love my freezer for stuff like this. Somehow if I stick the whole box in the freezer, it takes more effort to eat and I don't think about it as much.0
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I'm a sober alcoholic. Every year people buy me bottles of wine. The problem is mine not theirs. My weight is my problem not theirs. They are trying to be nice, kind, or loving. I sincerely say "Thank you" and re-gift as soon as possible. They don't require a dissertation on my neurosis du jour. I must to accept my responsibility for my life. When all else fails I go for a run........ A different obsession.
But we're talking about her HUSBAND. Not random people. I would hope that her husband would know her enough to know what is likely to happen if she's given chocolates, and that she's trying to lose weight... but he probably didn't really think about it and just got her something that he knows she should appreciate.
I see both sides here, but the only way it can be fixed is by communication. I know my husband never knows what to do at Christmas, Valentine's day etc either, because he knows that I love chocolate but have a hard time with moderation at times too (and he's possibly worried that I'll bite his head off). So you just have to be clear about not wanting food gifts... but make sure that he understands that you appreciate the gesture too.
It's not easy because men really don't think about that stuff the same way as women do... (well, in my experience).
About the binge, seriously, I completely get it too as it's what I did when my sister brought me chocolates. I was grateful (it was my favorite chocolates and I hadn't had any in years) but also annoyed because I knew exactly what was going to happen. It's easy to say 'you didn't have to eat 15 of them' but people who don't binge can't really understand how it works... Sheesh over 2 years into maintenance and I still slip up sometimes.5 -
snickerscharlie wrote: »My husband always calls me on his way home from work to see if we need anything from the store. You know, milk, cream, bread, etc. He would also sometimes pick up a chocolate bar for me as a treat - one of the many ways he has of showing he loves me and is thinking of me.
When I went on my diet last year (and lost 75 lbs) I asked him not to pick me up a chocolate bar anymore unless I asked him for one.
He bought them for me because he loves me. He stopped buying them for me because he loves me.
Communication is key.
Yeah - that sounds like me and my wife. When I go on a cut to make weight for a competition, I ask her to not bring home desserts - or at least, not ones I like. It works out pretty well.1 -
I asked mu husband about this, and said he would have flipped out if I had downed 15 pieces as a result..
1) and not offering him any
2) perhaps my gratitude could have been displayed in other ways that too could involve chocolate.. fun times!7 -
nicholasedwards5477 wrote: »You don't have to eat them. If you don't have the willpower to resist then you're not ready to lose weight!
I can't wait to use this advice on my infant niece when she starts learning to walk. "If you're still reaching to the coffee table, you're not ready."8 -
My entire life changed when I read some good advice. Until you take 100 percent responsibility for where you are in life, you can't change. If I'm overweight and out of shape it is the girl in the mirror who ate too much, didn't exercise. Not my husband, not my schedule.. me! You can't fix …fat, debt, or a new job…unless you do ALL the work it takes to make the change. Period.
I'm losing weight.. today my stomach is almost flat. Not because of what my husband did or didn't do..not because of anyone else but me.. steadilly making the right choices and doing the right things.
I was down emotionally many times..thinking I was stuck like this ..but I kept vigilant, accepting it is 100 percent up to me. It is amazing how you can change many aspects of your life when you simply realize it is all up to you.6 -
I say cut the guy some slack, thank him for the gift and talk to him about it. Im not sure how you initially reacted but that is probably why he felt you were ungrateful. Nobody wants to give a gift only to be made to feel like they are a insensitive jerk for it. You just started making changes two weeks ago and just like you have to work on new habits, so does he.
Next time there is a special occasion where he would normally give you a gift of chocolates give him a gentle reminder a day or two in advance.7 -
PaulaWallaDingDong wrote: »nicholasedwards5477 wrote: »You don't have to eat them. If you don't have the willpower to resist then you're not ready to lose weight!
I can't wait to use this advice on my infant niece when she starts learning to walk. "If you're still reaching to the coffee table, you're not ready."
Someone whose brain isn't fully developed vs. someone whose is...hmmmm4
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