Boyfriends standards of weight?
Replies
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Your boyfriend is a terrible person who's treating you awfully. I hope you find the strength to leave. Good luck to you.
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have you tried defending yourself?
if so what happens
the only person who ever told me to lose weight was my nurse and that was annoying, but to be fair i was obese back then and blood pressure was high.
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elliebrierleyz wrote: »(No, I don't want to leave him, sorry)
Then you're going to have to find some way to get OK with the verbal abuse because he's not going to stop......You cannot control the thoughts or actions of another, you can only choose how you react, and how you respect yourself.
So getcha mind right, because he ain't stoppin'
Don't worry, when you get in enough pain you'll do something different. And some of us (myself included) have a higher tolerance for pain than others.
Good luck and Happy Holidays
edit: he's 154 lbs....I can deadlift him for a clean set of 15.....lol
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If you like being abused, no one can help. If you hope he will change, sure, they usually do. For the worse. If you are making excuses about how much he loves and all this comes from a place of love, time for therapy.6
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Your boyfriend is a complete POS. If you don't want to leave, you'll have to get used to being abused and torn down. He isn't going to change, he's only going to get worse and once he's undermined you enough that you have no confidence left and think you'll never do any better, leaving will be far far harder.
Have some self respect and self love and kick him to the kerb.
Would you be cool with a friend, sister, loved one being abused like this?9 -
Have you told him how his comments make you feel? Just be honest with him. If he continues to make the remarks even though he knows it makes you feel bad and you don't want to leave him, then I guess there's not much choice but to learn to live with the comments.5
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I'm sad that you think that 5'8" and 143Lbs is "chubby".
I'm sad that he thinks you should weigh less than some arbitrary number he has in his head.
What do you want to solve? Try to change his perspective on you? Or your own perspective on him, you, the relationship? Or did you just need to vent?7 -
This sounds like my brother-whom do not communicate with anymore. I am also 5-8, and am around 160 ( I lost around 110 lbs over the last 1.5 years). I think your weight is a great place to be at for your height. I could never allow someone telling me to lose weight, or calling me names like you said, to be in my life. My brother called me fat and also called me names my whole life. I just won't allow someone to be in my life that is like that. My brother will never change, so I am better off not communicating with him, as unfortunate as it sounds to some. I have actually been much better off without having to deal with him. It is your own life, so it's up to you who you allow in it.12
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You remind me of my little brother... he has been dating the same girl for years. She is a few years older than me but has the mental capacity of a 16 year old. She mentally abuses him and yet he still won't leave her. For the past 4 years we knew something was wrong and tried to get him to realize that he is in danger of himself, he is slowly spiraling out of control. This year he ended up hitting a very bad point in his life after she had cheated on him multiple times. Many people offered him a way to get out, he had every means too and he still went back to her. There are some things in life that you won't be able to see unless you look at it from another persons point of view. Like my brother... he will never break out of his verbally abusive relationship unless he realizes he needs to take the plunge. I suggest you NOT end up like my brother, get out of that relationship as soon as possible. Remember that ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. You show your love through your actions. Your boyfriend is not healthy for you, and you could end up in a worse situation if you don't address the situation.
YOU lose weight for YOU, not for him!12 -
littlemissbgiff wrote: »Why would you ask for advice on a situation you are not willing to change? Your guy sounds like a real peach, my advice to you is to get used to being belittled and miserable. Then you can't complain.
I am sorry but you wouldn't understand unless you're in a similar situation. I have had no experience with things like this before, this is my first serious relationship. It's much harder than what you think.3 -
Richie2shoes wrote: »I'd say you need to lose 70kg right away.
Are you implying for me to cease to exist?
Even then, my ashes will still weigh something, I'll never lose my entire weight 
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I know a super fast way to lose 70kg.
Dump the b@st@rd.17 -
First relationship or 50th relationship dump the bugger.15
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MalkinMagic71 wrote: »find someone who appreciates you for who you are.
Ohhhhh I just realised now that you weren't talking about me, I feel so dumb. Haha.4 -
What are your reasons for staying?4
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You should request that he gain weight by lifting then. Your BMI is 22.2 which is a completely healthy weight (Not chubby at all, strike that from your mind!) He's only 154 lbs. Is he short or rail thin? Sounds to me like maybe he should bulk up.
Why does he think his opinion on it should be voiced at all? He sounds like a douche and you should tell him to smarten up.
Ugh I hate when people say crap like that to people they supposedly care about.
I'm not actually saying to take the course of action I just suggested... but it is nice fantasizing about it.
Never mind.
If you lose 10 KG, you'll be borderline underweight. He is basically wishing HARM ON YOU. Break up with him now. You're worth so much more than this guy thinks. Why does he think you should be model thin!??11 -
You should request that he gain weight by lifting then. Your BMI is 22.2 which is a completely healthy weight (Not chubby at all, strike that from your mind!) He's only 154 lbs. Is he short or rail thin? Sounds to me like maybe he should bulk up.
Why does he think his opinion on it should be voiced at all? He sounds like a douche and you should tell him to smarten up.
Ugh I hate when people say crap like that to people they supposedly care about.
I'm not actually saying to take the course of action I just suggested... but it is nice fantasizing about it.
Speaking as a guy that level of douche-baggery can't be cured, only removed.16 -
WinoGelato wrote: »OP, I'm genuinely curious, when you posted this, what sort of advice were you looking for? Because stating up front that you aren't interested in leaving him, you had to have known that was going to be the majority of the advice you would get. And if you knew that was the advice you'd get, then you must have at least considered this already, and decided you weren't willing to do that (whatever your reasons are). So what sort of advice did you hope for? Ways to humiliate him and make him feel as bad as he makes you? Ways to drop the weight quickly so you can achieve the perfect girlfriend body that he is hoping for? Because people aren't going to give you any of that sort of advice - so I'm failing to see what can happen here, other than just validation and sympathy? I not really big on that sort of thing, so I'm just going to suggest that you seek counseling and a backbone.
I am not exact sure what I'm looking for if I'm completely honest with you, I realise what the real solution is yet I am still not capable of coming to terms with it, I agree with you about growing a backbone, it is something I used to have but now I have become weak I guess. I'm not looking for sympathy, I am being desperate and trying to look for a solution that I'm beginning to think doesn't exist just to keep my relationship afloat, I don't want to give up on a person that I love so dearly. I'm sorry for annoying you all so much.4 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »littlemissbgiff wrote: »Why would you ask for advice on a situation you are not willing to change? Your guy sounds like a real peach, my advice to you is to get used to being belittled and miserable. Then you can't complain.
I am sorry but you wouldn't understand unless you're in a similar situation. I have had no experience with things like this before, this is my first serious relationship. It's much harder than what you think.
I'd venture to guess that many of us have been with a controlling douchecanoe and we understand perfectly. Dump him. It's never easy to break up, but at least doing it now will give him less time to erode your self-esteem and waste your life.21 -
How old are you OP?0
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elliebrierleyz wrote: »littlemissbgiff wrote: »Why would you ask for advice on a situation you are not willing to change? Your guy sounds like a real peach, my advice to you is to get used to being belittled and miserable. Then you can't complain.
I am sorry but you wouldn't understand unless you're in a similar situation. I have had no experience with things like this before, this is my first serious relationship. It's much harder than what you think.
And you have found yourself in a BAD one. You have no other experiences to base this relationship one, so for all you know, this is way guys treat their girlfriends, right?
WRONG. Take it from the posters here, who have been in their share of relationships - good, bad, ugly - this in NOT the way people in caring relationships treat each other. You are in an abusive relationship, whether you know it or not.
And it is best that you leave the relationship a soon as you can.17 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »littlemissbgiff wrote: »Why would you ask for advice on a situation you are not willing to change? Your guy sounds like a real peach, my advice to you is to get used to being belittled and miserable. Then you can't complain.
I am sorry but you wouldn't understand unless you're in a similar situation. I have had no experience with things like this before, this is my first serious relationship. It's much harder than what you think.
The folks here have lots of experience. And we're all concerned about where this is leading for you.7 -
Therealobi1 wrote: »have you tried defending yourself?
if so what happens
the only person who ever told me to lose weight was my nurse and that was annoying, but to be fair i was obese back then and blood pressure was high.
If I try to defend myself with anything else he tells me to stop debating and that he has more experience than what I do (because he is 3 years older than me). This is what he says with every single criticism and if I fight back he ignores me or tells me to *kitten* off. Beautiful, I know. The thing is that I recently found out that he has a couple of personality disorders which really explain everything to me but I feel bad about not understanding them.2 -
Dump his sorry butt! Guy sounds like a loser to me strictly based on what you said. I don't know maybe he has good qualities you haven't told us about but I doubt it. I was in a relationship a long time ago with a man who verbally abused me and made me feel bad about my physical appearance but it still took me a while to dump him so I can understand what you are going through.
I probably don't weigh too much less than my skinny husband and he's 7" taller than me. He doesn't care how much I weigh and was surprised when I told him I'm losing weight. And when I told him I lost 3.6 lbs last week, he congratulated me. That's the kind of support you need.4 -
OP--If this was your sister, your mother or a friend...what advice would you give her/him? Seek in yourself to find what's best for you.13
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If you aren't going to break up with him, than you need to have a very frank conversation with him that he needs to respect you and treat you better and that if you lose weight, it's for yourself and NOT him. He has no say over your weight, especially if you are healthy and not causing harm to yourself.
He needs to realize that what he is doing and saying to you, is abusive and should not be tolerated. If you are staying because you are scared or comfortable in this relationship after two years, I get it, but I promise you, it's even better not being in a relationship with someone who is an *kitten* and says degrading things to you.
I started dating my ex when I was 16 and we were together for 7 years. The last year or two were bad, but we stayed together because we were comfortable and it was safe, but in reality, we were not happy. We broke up when I was 23 and went on to meet the most amazing guy whom I have now been married to for 3 years and I have never been happier. The things he has said to you over the 2 years have probably lead you to believe that you won't find someone else that will love you, but it is not true.
Love is kind. The things he is saying to you, are not. Either you tell him to *kitten* off and start being nice, or you need to leave him. There are no other options here.16 -
You should request that he gain weight by lifting then. Your BMI is 22.2 which is a completely healthy weight (Not chubby at all, strike that from your mind!) He's only 154 lbs. Is he short or rail thin? Sounds to me like maybe he should bulk up.
Why does he think his opinion on it should be voiced at all? He sounds like a douche and you should tell him to smarten up.
Ugh I hate when people say crap like that to people they supposedly care about.
I'm not actually saying to take the course of action I just suggested... but it is nice fantasizing about it.
Speaking as a guy that level of douche-baggery can't be cured, only removed.
Thanks! I didn't read the whole post.. and then I did. I officially changed my response haha.0 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »Therealobi1 wrote: »have you tried defending yourself?
if so what happens
the only person who ever told me to lose weight was my nurse and that was annoying, but to be fair i was obese back then and blood pressure was high.
If I try to defend myself with anything else he tells me to stop debating and that he has more experience than what I do (because he is 3 years older than me). This is what he says with every single criticism and if I fight back he ignores me or tells me to *kitten* off. Beautiful, I know. The thing is that I recently found out that he has a couple of personality disorders which really explain everything to me but I feel bad about not understanding them.
Sorry but that sounds like an excuse to treat you like crap. Same excuse my wife uses. It's utter bull manure and you don't need to put up with it. Is he being seen for these personality disorders? If not and he's not willing move on.5 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »WinoGelato wrote: »OP, I'm genuinely curious, when you posted this, what sort of advice were you looking for? Because stating up front that you aren't interested in leaving him, you had to have known that was going to be the majority of the advice you would get. And if you knew that was the advice you'd get, then you must have at least considered this already, and decided you weren't willing to do that (whatever your reasons are). So what sort of advice did you hope for? Ways to humiliate him and make him feel as bad as he makes you? Ways to drop the weight quickly so you can achieve the perfect girlfriend body that he is hoping for? Because people aren't going to give you any of that sort of advice - so I'm failing to see what can happen here, other than just validation and sympathy? I not really big on that sort of thing, so I'm just going to suggest that you seek counseling and a backbone.
I am not exact sure what I'm looking for if I'm completely honest with you, I realise what the real solution is yet I am still not capable of coming to terms with it, I agree with you about growing a backbone, it is something I used to have but now I have become weak I guess. I'm not looking for sympathy, I am being desperate and trying to look for a solution that I'm beginning to think doesn't exist just to keep my relationship afloat, I don't want to give up on a person that I love so dearly. I'm sorry for annoying you all so much.
It's painful to love someone so dearly but you lose yourself in the process.
I don't think its annoying folks I think folks on here have had similar relationships and they are trying to help you see this is not a healthy relationship.
You can love him all you want, but at what cost to you?10
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