Boyfriends standards of weight?
Replies
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elliebrierleyz wrote: »Therealobi1 wrote: »have you tried defending yourself?
if so what happens
the only person who ever told me to lose weight was my nurse and that was annoying, but to be fair i was obese back then and blood pressure was high.
If I try to defend myself with anything else he tells me to stop debating and that he has more experience than what I do (because he is 3 years older than me). This is what he says with every single criticism and if I fight back he ignores me or tells me to *kitten* off. Beautiful, I know. The thing is that I recently found out that he has a couple of personality disorders which really explain everything to me but I feel bad about not understanding them.
He needs to go sort out his personality disorders with his therapist, and he needs to do it single because he obviously can't keep it in control enough to show respect to his girlfriend. You are not obligated to understand them. You are not obligated to fix him or defend him. You need to take care of yourself, and you are not doing that by staying with him.14 -
You can clearly see the domestic violence problems coming through, no one needs to tell you about that. it will get worse until you leave. I recommend leaving now, working on your body until your happy with it and learning how to be really happy with who you are
when you love yourself properly i dont think you will accept being spoken to like that again. i know i dont. 5 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »WinoGelato wrote: »OP, I'm genuinely curious, when you posted this, what sort of advice were you looking for? Because stating up front that you aren't interested in leaving him, you had to have known that was going to be the majority of the advice you would get. And if you knew that was the advice you'd get, then you must have at least considered this already, and decided you weren't willing to do that (whatever your reasons are). So what sort of advice did you hope for? Ways to humiliate him and make him feel as bad as he makes you? Ways to drop the weight quickly so you can achieve the perfect girlfriend body that he is hoping for? Because people aren't going to give you any of that sort of advice - so I'm failing to see what can happen here, other than just validation and sympathy? I not really big on that sort of thing, so I'm just going to suggest that you seek counseling and a backbone.
I am not exact sure what I'm looking for if I'm completely honest with you, I realise what the real solution is yet I am still not capable of coming to terms with it, I agree with you about growing a backbone, it is something I used to have but now I have become weak I guess. I'm not looking for sympathy, I am being desperate and trying to look for a solution that I'm beginning to think doesn't exist just to keep my relationship afloat, I don't want to give up on a person that I love so dearly. I'm sorry for annoying you all so much.
what is it that you love so dearly about him?
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Chef_Barbell wrote: »How old are you OP?
A beautiful age of 18, somewhat immature compared to the rest of you with no experience of life whatsoever, just trying to find ways to solve things and failing miserably. It's weird to think that other people pass through things like this and get over it. I have been living on my own since I was 15 so I might have slightly more experience than the average 18 year old but not by much. I know that it makes everything clearer to most of the people commenting because you're older and understand more but to me this is extremely complicated and terrifying.3 -
OP you will get your wits about you at some point, and leave him.. You are already thinking about it in uncertain terms, hense you are looking for advice..
You already know what to do, it takes your mindset to form a plan and exit.8 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »How old are you OP?
A beautiful age of 18, somewhat immature compared to the rest of you with no experience of life whatsoever, just trying to find ways to solve things and failing miserably. It's weird to think that other people pass through things like this and get over it. I have been living on my own since I was 15 so I might have slightly more experience than the average 18 year old but not by much. I know that it makes everything clearer to most of the people commenting because you're older and understand more but to me this is extremely complicated and terrifying.
Grow a backbone early. It will get you through life better. Things I wish someone told me earlier.11 -
Calliope610 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »WinoGelato wrote: »OP, I'm genuinely curious, when you posted this, what sort of advice were you looking for? Because stating up front that you aren't interested in leaving him, you had to have known that was going to be the majority of the advice you would get. And if you knew that was the advice you'd get, then you must have at least considered this already, and decided you weren't willing to do that (whatever your reasons are). So what sort of advice did you hope for? Ways to humiliate him and make him feel as bad as he makes you? Ways to drop the weight quickly so you can achieve the perfect girlfriend body that he is hoping for? Because people aren't going to give you any of that sort of advice - so I'm failing to see what can happen here, other than just validation and sympathy? I not really big on that sort of thing, so I'm just going to suggest that you seek counseling and a backbone.
I am not exact sure what I'm looking for if I'm completely honest with you, I realise what the real solution is yet I am still not capable of coming to terms with it, I agree with you about growing a backbone, it is something I used to have but now I have become weak I guess. I'm not looking for sympathy, I am being desperate and trying to look for a solution that I'm beginning to think doesn't exist just to keep my relationship afloat, I don't want to give up on a person that I love so dearly. I'm sorry for annoying you all so much.
what is it that you love so dearly about him?
How he sometimes is and how he used to be. I swore to myself that I would never leave the person I grew to love no matter what but the thing is that now he is nearly a completely different person. I don't know why, perhaps it's because when I met him he didn't have a job and then he got a job, found out he was great at his job and got lots of confidence from that because he is only 21. But perhaps it's my fault, I'm quite immature so I guess that that would bring a person down.0 -
In 10 years what will you think when you look back on this relationship?
Life is short, please don't waste it on people that aren't worth it.
I'm 5'8 and would kill to be your weight.
If you feel unhealthy then go to a gym, walk more, eat healthier snacks. If he says your unhealthy tell him to shut the *kitten* up and eat a pizza.
I had a controlling boyfriend who did/said very similar things. I won't stand by while anyone I know/meet on the internet gets into toxic relationships and can't see the light.
You will be amazing without him. There is a guy out there who will worship the ground you walk on regardless of your weight.
You are the most important person in your life. Take care of that person.16 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »How old are you OP?
A beautiful age of 18, somewhat immature compared to the rest of you with no experience of life whatsoever, just trying to find ways to solve things and failing miserably. It's weird to think that other people pass through things like this and get over it. I have been living on my own since I was 15 so I might have slightly more experience than the average 18 year old but not by much. I know that it makes everything clearer to most of the people commenting because you're older and understand more but to me this is extremely complicated and terrifying.
Ah young love.
GET THE HELL OUT!!!!!!
You will meet someone better. You have a long life ahead of you. Don't waste it on someone like this.21 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »Calliope610 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »WinoGelato wrote: »OP, I'm genuinely curious, when you posted this, what sort of advice were you looking for? Because stating up front that you aren't interested in leaving him, you had to have known that was going to be the majority of the advice you would get. And if you knew that was the advice you'd get, then you must have at least considered this already, and decided you weren't willing to do that (whatever your reasons are). So what sort of advice did you hope for? Ways to humiliate him and make him feel as bad as he makes you? Ways to drop the weight quickly so you can achieve the perfect girlfriend body that he is hoping for? Because people aren't going to give you any of that sort of advice - so I'm failing to see what can happen here, other than just validation and sympathy? I not really big on that sort of thing, so I'm just going to suggest that you seek counseling and a backbone.
I am not exact sure what I'm looking for if I'm completely honest with you, I realise what the real solution is yet I am still not capable of coming to terms with it, I agree with you about growing a backbone, it is something I used to have but now I have become weak I guess. I'm not looking for sympathy, I am being desperate and trying to look for a solution that I'm beginning to think doesn't exist just to keep my relationship afloat, I don't want to give up on a person that I love so dearly. I'm sorry for annoying you all so much.
what is it that you love so dearly about him?
How he sometimes is and how he used to be. I swore to myself that I would never leave the person I grew to love no matter what but the thing is that now he is nearly a completely different person. I don't know why, perhaps it's because when I met him he didn't have a job and then he got a job, found out he was great at his job and got lots of confidence from that because he is only 21. But perhaps it's my fault, I'm quite immature so I guess that that would bring a person down.
So if he hit you would you stay with him because you told yourself you had to love him no matter what?13 -
Seriously get out of this before there are kids involved.17
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elliebrierleyz wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »How old are you OP?
A beautiful age of 18, somewhat immature compared to the rest of you with no experience of life whatsoever, just trying to find ways to solve things and failing miserably. It's weird to think that other people pass through things like this and get over it. I have been living on my own since I was 15 so I might have slightly more experience than the average 18 year old but not by much. I know that it makes everything clearer to most of the people commenting because you're older and understand more but to me this is extremely complicated and terrifying.
He's your b@stard, most girls have one
Depends how long it takes you to learn that he's just not that into you and that there's better out there
Took me three years on and off TBH
Still think of mine on occasion, still have warm feelings for him but I worked out eventually that I wanted to be happy not spend my time trying to work out how to change to make someone else happy
The men I have been with since have blown him out the water for how they make me feel but I've never forgotten my first b@stard complex
I'm laughing at the thought of a 21 year old 70kg wimp thinking he knows anything TBH :bigsmile:
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GirlChef_Barbell wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »How old are you OP?
A beautiful age of 18, somewhat immature compared to the rest of you with no experience of life whatsoever, just trying to find ways to solve things and failing miserably. It's weird to think that other people pass through things like this and get over it. I have been living on my own since I was 15 so I might have slightly more experience than the average 18 year old but not by much. I know that it makes everything clearer to most of the people commenting because you're older and understand more but to me this is extremely complicated and terrifying.
Grow a backbone early. It will get you through life better. Things I wish someone told me earlier.
Did ya swallow the moon
5 -
GirlChef_Barbell wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »How old are you OP?
A beautiful age of 18, somewhat immature compared to the rest of you with no experience of life whatsoever, just trying to find ways to solve things and failing miserably. It's weird to think that other people pass through things like this and get over it. I have been living on my own since I was 15 so I might have slightly more experience than the average 18 year old but not by much. I know that it makes everything clearer to most of the people commenting because you're older and understand more but to me this is extremely complicated and terrifying.
Grow a backbone early. It will get you through life better. Things I wish someone told me earlier.
Did ya swallow the moon
Nope having a baby tomorrow.
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Chef_Barbell wrote: »
GirlChef_Barbell wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »How old are you OP?
A beautiful age of 18, somewhat immature compared to the rest of you with no experience of life whatsoever, just trying to find ways to solve things and failing miserably. It's weird to think that other people pass through things like this and get over it. I have been living on my own since I was 15 so I might have slightly more experience than the average 18 year old but not by much. I know that it makes everything clearer to most of the people commenting because you're older and understand more but to me this is extremely complicated and terrifying.
Grow a backbone early. It will get you through life better. Things I wish someone told me earlier.
Did ya swallow the moon
Nope having a baby tomorrow.
ETA- It could be worse... I could have gained more everywhere. 3 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »
GirlChef_Barbell wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »How old are you OP?
A beautiful age of 18, somewhat immature compared to the rest of you with no experience of life whatsoever, just trying to find ways to solve things and failing miserably. It's weird to think that other people pass through things like this and get over it. I have been living on my own since I was 15 so I might have slightly more experience than the average 18 year old but not by much. I know that it makes everything clearer to most of the people commenting because you're older and understand more but to me this is extremely complicated and terrifying.
Grow a backbone early. It will get you through life better. Things I wish someone told me earlier.
Did ya swallow the moon
Nope having a baby tomorrow.
Tomorrow? Squeal
Good luck4 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »How he sometimes is and how he used to be. I swore to myself that I would never leave the person I grew to love no matter what but the thing is that now he is nearly a completely different person. I don't know why, perhaps it's because when I met him he didn't have a job and then he got a job, found out he was great at his job and got lots of confidence from that because he is only 21. But perhaps it's my fault, I'm quite immature so I guess that that would bring a person down.
Sometimes we fall in love with the wrong person - maturing is realizing when things are not good or healthy and making a change. No one will think less of you for leaving a toxic environment. You are 18 and have so much living to do. Get out on your own, really learn who you are and enjoy life.
You may find someone 1000x better than this, someone who will make you confident, happy, inspired, and strong. Don't be too surprised if that person is actually you.
13 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »
GirlChef_Barbell wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »How old are you OP?
A beautiful age of 18, somewhat immature compared to the rest of you with no experience of life whatsoever, just trying to find ways to solve things and failing miserably. It's weird to think that other people pass through things like this and get over it. I have been living on my own since I was 15 so I might have slightly more experience than the average 18 year old but not by much. I know that it makes everything clearer to most of the people commenting because you're older and understand more but to me this is extremely complicated and terrifying.
Grow a backbone early. It will get you through life better. Things I wish someone told me earlier.
Did ya swallow the moon
Nope having a baby tomorrow.
ETA- It could be worse... I could have gained more everywhere.
There is nothing more gorgeous than a pregnant woman
No-thing!7 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »
GirlChef_Barbell wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »How old are you OP?
A beautiful age of 18, somewhat immature compared to the rest of you with no experience of life whatsoever, just trying to find ways to solve things and failing miserably. It's weird to think that other people pass through things like this and get over it. I have been living on my own since I was 15 so I might have slightly more experience than the average 18 year old but not by much. I know that it makes everything clearer to most of the people commenting because you're older and understand more but to me this is extremely complicated and terrifying.
Grow a backbone early. It will get you through life better. Things I wish someone told me earlier.
Did ya swallow the moon
Nope having a baby tomorrow.
Tomorrow? Squeal
Good luck
Thankies! 0 -
Be thankful he showed you who he really is before you made your relationship more permanent. Believe him when he tells you who he is. Break it off and find someone who is mentally healthy.10
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elliebrierleyz wrote: »littlemissbgiff wrote: »Why would you ask for advice on a situation you are not willing to change? Your guy sounds like a real peach, my advice to you is to get used to being belittled and miserable. Then you can't complain.
I am sorry but you wouldn't understand unless you're in a similar situation. I have had no experience with things like this before, this is my first serious relationship. It's much harder than what you think.
OP, I HAVE been in your exact situation, I was 17, it was my first serious relationship and I thought he was the greatest thing to ever cross my path.
....then he started "critiquing" me and my weight. It was little things at first, then progressively more and more. He claimed to have personality disorders as well, although I never actually checked that with a doctor, and that I just didn't understand because I was too dumb. OP, trust me on this. It will NOT get better, it will only get a lot, lot worse. No matter how much you love him, and I get it, it's really hard, it is NOT worth staying. If he is treating you like that, he does not love you. Get out of there while you can. Regardless of what he may say, you deserve someone WAY better than him and there are plenty of wonderful men out there that do not treat you like that. I know, I almost married my abusive ex but woke up to it just in time. Then, when I was 24, I married the most amazing, wonderful man who loved me at my absolute heaviest, is celebrating every little weight loss achievement with me because it makes ME happy, and loves me completely unconditionally. That's the kind of man you deserve. And they are out there. Don't settle for less than what you're worth.
30 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »
GirlChef_Barbell wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »How old are you OP?
A beautiful age of 18, somewhat immature compared to the rest of you with no experience of life whatsoever, just trying to find ways to solve things and failing miserably. It's weird to think that other people pass through things like this and get over it. I have been living on my own since I was 15 so I might have slightly more experience than the average 18 year old but not by much. I know that it makes everything clearer to most of the people commenting because you're older and understand more but to me this is extremely complicated and terrifying.
Grow a backbone early. It will get you through life better. Things I wish someone told me earlier.
Did ya swallow the moon
Nope having a baby tomorrow.
Tomorrow? Squeal
Good luck
Thankies!
Good luck Ms, I'll hope that your baby will be happy and healthy, as well as you! There is nothing more precious than children and their innocence! Hope that everything goes well 4 -
There are too many people out there who have been *kitten* over by dickhead exes.5
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Since you do not want to leave him....ughh. I will try to explore other options....
1- tell him it hurt your feelings when he puts you down and make those negative comments. Tell him his support and positive reinforcement is needed. Also tell him it makes you close up and not want to share anything with him anymore. If he truly loves you he should be able to digest that, change and stfu.
2 - If number 1 doesn't work, tell him he needs to hit some iron and put on some muscle mass...and body shame him back! I'm sure he is not going to like that. But you are stooping to his level and this isn't fair either.
3 - Cheat on him with someone that is nicer, sweeter, considerate, and hotter! But again, this isn't fair. You are changing yourself, morals, etc., just to stay with him be able to co exist with him.
4- Hold out on the s#x till you meet his requirements....
5 - Consider loving yourself more where you will not have to put up with this BS. Once you love yourself and know your self worth, leaving him would be in your foreseeable future!10 -
By not leaving or telling him you don't want to be spoken to in that manner, you are just letting him run your life. And it sounds like he's going to run it to the ground.
He is setting up unrealistic expectations that you might try really hard to meet, and then when you fail (because they're unrealistic AF), then he's going to use it as an excuse to continue abusing you like this.
You are young, and you have been on your own since an even younger age, but you have to see that this is not healthy. He developed some overconfidence from his job and he thinks he knows everything because he's older than you, and he's using it to lord over you - which is NOT cool.
Now this reference may be a bit before your time, but...just tell him: GET OUT.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggWyUEuGcWY 5 -
what STLBADGIRL just said.2
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I might get some *kitten* for this, but since leaving him is not a option...
What if you started treating him the exact way he treats you????
Call him names, belittle him, comment on his appearance and intellect...I doubt he'll like it much, but at least the playing field would be even.5 -
What if your best friend was going through this? What would you say to her??7
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elliebrierleyz wrote: »Calliope610 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »WinoGelato wrote: »OP, I'm genuinely curious, when you posted this, what sort of advice were you looking for? Because stating up front that you aren't interested in leaving him, you had to have known that was going to be the majority of the advice you would get. And if you knew that was the advice you'd get, then you must have at least considered this already, and decided you weren't willing to do that (whatever your reasons are). So what sort of advice did you hope for? Ways to humiliate him and make him feel as bad as he makes you? Ways to drop the weight quickly so you can achieve the perfect girlfriend body that he is hoping for? Because people aren't going to give you any of that sort of advice - so I'm failing to see what can happen here, other than just validation and sympathy? I not really big on that sort of thing, so I'm just going to suggest that you seek counseling and a backbone.
I am not exact sure what I'm looking for if I'm completely honest with you, I realise what the real solution is yet I am still not capable of coming to terms with it, I agree with you about growing a backbone, it is something I used to have but now I have become weak I guess. I'm not looking for sympathy, I am being desperate and trying to look for a solution that I'm beginning to think doesn't exist just to keep my relationship afloat, I don't want to give up on a person that I love so dearly. I'm sorry for annoying you all so much.
what is it that you love so dearly about him?
How he sometimes is and how he used to be. I swore to myself that I would never leave the person I grew to love no matter what but the thing is that now he is nearly a completely different person. I don't know why, perhaps it's because when I met him he didn't have a job and then he got a job, found out he was great at his job and got lots of confidence from that because he is only 21. But perhaps it's my fault, I'm quite immature so I guess that that would bring a person down.
Please understand that in most cases, extreme physical abuse started out as verbal abuse and then escalated.
Leave him while you can. This is not what love is.13 -
[/quote]
If I try to defend myself with anything else he tells me to stop debating and that he has more experience than what I do (because he is 3 years older than me). This is what he says with every single criticism and if I fight back he ignores me or tells me to *kitten* off. Beautiful, I know. The thing is that I recently found out that he has a couple of personality disorders which really explain everything to me but I feel bad about not understanding them.[/quote]
Sorry but that sounds like an excuse to treat you like crap. Same excuse my wife uses. It's utter bull manure and you don't need to put up with it. Is he being seen for these personality disorders? If not and he's not willing move on. [/quote]
Just saw this....RUN now!
You do not need to figure him and all his personalities out!
There is so much in this world for you!8
This discussion has been closed.
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