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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
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lemurcat12 wrote: »SiegfriedXXL wrote: »an ultimatum implies I had no choice, and I most certainly did.
I'm not the poster you were responding to, but I don't understand an ultimatum to mean you had no choice at all. An ultimatum is simply a statement of consequence -- if you do/don't do this, this is the consequence. Here, the consequence seems like it would have been no relationship.
And for the record, I didn't see the original thread, but it makes sense to me, and I can quite easily see it as coming from a place of concern, as well as a legitimate feeling that your commitment to taking positive steps would be necessary for a relationship.
I agree with you to a certain extent, @lemurcat12. I guess that, at the point we had the discussion, we were both still in a place where it wouldn't have been a consequence to have the relationship not start. Of course now, it would be sad if we broke up because of some failure on his or my part, but back then it would have been a matter of not being willing to do the work and each of us moving on to our separate journeys.
To your second point, that is exactly it. He was concerned for my health and for my future and made me realize that I needed to be as well. I come from a family that is entirely overweight/obese. There is no "normal" bodied person in my family, immediate or extended. I just assumed that's what I would be as well. The relationship is an added bonus to me making a change that I finally figured out was necessary if I was going to continue on this blue ball of crazy.3 -
SiegfriedXXL wrote: »lemurcat12 wrote: »SiegfriedXXL wrote: »an ultimatum implies I had no choice, and I most certainly did.
I'm not the poster you were responding to, but I don't understand an ultimatum to mean you had no choice at all. An ultimatum is simply a statement of consequence -- if you do/don't do this, this is the consequence. Here, the consequence seems like it would have been no relationship.
And for the record, I didn't see the original thread, but it makes sense to me, and I can quite easily see it as coming from a place of concern, as well as a legitimate feeling that your commitment to taking positive steps would be necessary for a relationship.
...He was concerned for my health and for my future and made me realize that I needed to be as well...The relationship is an added bonus to me making a change that I finally figured out was necessary...
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STLBADGIRL wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »I watch my 600lbs life all the time....and I am astounded at how many of them are married and/or have a S.O.
I have plenty of friends that are a little overweight and can't find a decent guy, but the 600 lbs men and women can pull them a husband and S.O. and they seem to be supportive for the most part.
Logistically speaking I'm not sure if it's possible to reach 600 lbs without someone enabling this.
I didn't think about it like that... That is so true...big time enabler. But they still have a S.O/husband which is somewhat shocking to me at that level of obesity...
You'll find all kinds of dysfunctional people hanging on to one another for dear life. It's really not a plus, in many cases
Yes, and this is precisely why some of us here would not tolerate/enable a spouse who began to let him/herself go. It doesn't need to get to the level of super morbid obesity for you to recognize a demoralizing, toxic dynamic forming.
It may seem harsh, but that's the truth. Because someone always asks how it got to that point, that 600 LB Life point, and in a lot of cases it's just giving it another month, another year, sticking in that codependent situation all the while saying it must get better at some point, surely it can't get worse. Sometimes you must get off the ship before you are dragged down with it.3 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »I watch my 600lbs life all the time....and I am astounded at how many of them are married and/or have a S.O.
I have plenty of friends that are a little overweight and can't find a decent guy, but the 600 lbs men and women can pull them a husband and S.O. and they seem to be supportive for the most part.
Logistically speaking I'm not sure if it's possible to reach 600 lbs without someone enabling this.
I didn't think about it like that... That is so true...big time enabler. But they still have a S.O/husband which is somewhat shocking to me at that level of obesity...
You'll find all kinds of dysfunctional people hanging on to one another for dear life. It's really not a plus, in many cases
Yes, and this is precisely why some of us here would not tolerate/enable a spouse who began to let him/herself go. It doesn't need to get to the level of super morbid obesity for you to recognize a demoralizing, toxic dynamic forming.
It may seem harsh, but that's the truth. Because someone always asks how it got to that point, that 600 LB Life point, and in a lot of cases it's just giving it another month, another year, sticking in that codependent situation all the while saying it must get better at some point, surely it can't get worse. Sometimes you must get off the ship before you are dragged down with it.
Truth.2 -
SiegfriedXXL wrote: »SiegfriedXXL wrote: »Hmmm, I'm not even sure I want to weigh in on this but here goes. When I met my current partner a couple of years ago, he told me, point blank that he wasn't in to "larger" people. So we became friends. Keep in mind, at that time I was well north of 400 and slightly shy of 500. Yikes! Well, things progressed and we grew closer and eventually started a relationship. With a caveat. I needed to lose weight for it to last. Now, before the indignation starts, this had already been on my mind. He has been nothing but supportive of me and I have lost a substantial amount of weight already. My BMI is still nowhere near normal but I have continued to lose weight consistently and that is what he wanted. We both want there to be a day where my weight loss goals are met and we can do EVERYTHING we want to do together, from hang gliding to bungee jumping to cliff diving. It's going to happen and we're in it together. Now, I know that were I to give up my part of this bargain and stop losing weight and stop taking care of myself, our relationship would suffer and he would eventually leave. Honestly, I wouldn't blame him. Partnerships are exactly that. Everyone has to pull their share of the plow.
Everyone has their preferences. I've never dated an older person. I've never dated a larger person. I'm not attracted to either. Call it ironic regarding larger people, but for me, it's true. I wouldn't date a woman either because I'm not attracted to them. We are who we are and we want who we want. I'm not going to disparage anyone just because I am not attracted them and I'm certainly not going to expect someone to be attracted to me just because I'm attracted to them.
So yes, my ex military, very fit, attractive partner sticks by me while I'm losing the weight, despite his preference. That's his choice. Not many people would make that choice and no should be expected to. He's happy, I'm happy, and that's what matters. If one or the other of us were not happy, I wouldn't expect either of us to stay even though we're two years in.
Anyway, that's my two cents.
I think there's a difference when one changes from fit to fat after in a relationship though than someone who basically gives you an ultimatum to start a relationship. Good for you for deciding to make a change though
I'm sorry but I don't see it as an ultimatum. Neither one of us were invested at that point and it would have been just as easy for me to flip him the bird and say "let me live my life, you shallow piece of trash." He was coming at me from an area of total concern. Why would he want to be with someone who's life expectancy would be severely shortened should they maintain their current weight? Yes, he prefers fit people but that was only one of the factors for him to talk to me about weight loss. In fact, during the short time we were "just friends" he talked about me losing weight. Honestly, before my health crisis, I had felt that being fat was my fate and unchangeable.
Now I know differently.
Anyway, thanks for your comment, but again, an ultimatum implies I had no choice, and I most certainly did.
Maybe ultimatum was the wrong word. If it motivated you I am all for it . What I meant is that if we meet someone and they are physically fit it might be more of a shock and a game changer when they start gaining weight and become less active. If we meet someone and we know they have weight issues going in it may change how we see them and how we react .
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I seriously admire anyone could be so open and be fine with it. I am so ridiculously sensitive about my weight! I have gained about 40lbs since I first met my partner (although I was 97lbs and pretty ill) and it has really started to get to me recently.
He is absolutely lovely, and whenever I moan about the weight i've gained he tells me it doesn't bother him and tries to make me feel better. However, I can moan about by weight but if he bought it up it would devastate me which is really hypocritical - I can handle me not being attracted to me, but I couldn't handle him not being attracted to me. I even had a dream a few nights ago where we were at a party and he was angry at m for not being as skinny and pretty as the other girls, and then he wandered off and I found him in bed with a skinny blonde and he told me it was my fault for not being skinny. I woke up in tears.
Seriously, hats off to you people who can take the honesty. I think you just have to find a partner who respects you enough to be able to approach these issues in a way that suits you and everyone has different 'suits'.8 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »I watch my 600lbs life all the time....and I am astounded at how many of them are married and/or have a S.O.
I have plenty of friends that are a little overweight and can't find a decent guy, but the 600 lbs men and women can pull them a husband and S.O. and they seem to be supportive for the most part.
Logistically speaking I'm not sure if it's possible to reach 600 lbs without someone enabling this.
I didn't think about it like that... That is so true...big time enabler. But they still have a S.O/husband which is somewhat shocking to me at that level of obesity...
Talk about fat shaming...6 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »I watch my 600lbs life all the time....and I am astounded at how many of them are married and/or have a S.O.
I have plenty of friends that are a little overweight and can't find a decent guy, but the 600 lbs men and women can pull them a husband and S.O. and they seem to be supportive for the most part.
Logistically speaking I'm not sure if it's possible to reach 600 lbs without someone enabling this.
I didn't think about it like that... That is so true...big time enabler. But they still have a S.O/husband which is somewhat shocking to me at that level of obesity...
Talk about fat shaming...
good catch3 -
MrStabbems wrote: »Yes. Be honest with your partners peeps.
Also fat people are bouncy, makes for good bam bam.
I'm still laughing about this comment and it's now Friday
Come back MrStabbems!
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I seriously admire anyone could be so open and be fine with it. I am so ridiculously sensitive about my weight! I have gained about 40lbs since I first met my partner (although I was 97lbs and pretty ill) and it has really started to get to me recently.
He is absolutely lovely, and whenever I moan about the weight i've gained he tells me it doesn't bother him and tries to make me feel better. However, I can moan about by weight but if he bought it up it would devastate me which is really hypocritical - I can handle me not being attracted to me, but I couldn't handle him not being attracted to me. I even had a dream a few nights ago where we were at a party and he was angry at m for not being as skinny and pretty as the other girls, and then he wandered off and I found him in bed with a skinny blonde and he told me it was my fault for not being skinny. I woke up in tears.
Seriously, hats off to you people who can take the honesty. I think you just have to find a partner who respects you enough to be able to approach these issues in a way that suits you and everyone has different 'suits'.
I have that blunt engineer personality. I do best with people who are like that also.5 -
I seriously admire anyone could be so open and be fine with it. I am so ridiculously sensitive about my weight! I have gained about 40lbs since I first met my partner (although I was 97lbs and pretty ill) and it has really started to get to me recently.
He is absolutely lovely, and whenever I moan about the weight i've gained he tells me it doesn't bother him and tries to make me feel better. However, I can moan about by weight but if he bought it up it would devastate me which is really hypocritical - I can handle me not being attracted to me, but I couldn't handle him not being attracted to me. I even had a dream a few nights ago where we were at a party and he was angry at m for not being as skinny and pretty as the other girls, and then he wandered off and I found him in bed with a skinny blonde and he told me it was my fault for not being skinny. I woke up in tears.
Seriously, hats off to you people who can take the honesty. I think you just have to find a partner who respects you enough to be able to approach these issues in a way that suits you and everyone has different 'suits'.
Sounds like he is being honest. Everyone is going to deal with issues differently, but I would rather deal with the source of a problem and deal with the emotions there than let it ride out and create more problems down the road.
Fear of change is natural, but once you embrace change this is incredibly enabling and infectious. Once you realize that you and you alone are responsible, great things happen.
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[/quote]
Maybe ultimatum was the wrong word. If it motivated you I am all for it . What I meant is that if we meet someone and they are physically fit it might be more of a shock and a game changer when they start gaining weight and become less active. If we meet someone and we know they have weight issues going in it may change how we see them and how we react .
[/quote]
Oh I completely agree there. It would be shocking if he started to gain weight and let himself go. Obviously, I'd support him and try to get him to lose the weight. Hopefully, it's after I've achieved my own fitness goals so it wouldn't seem hypocritical.
The second part is true as well. He's said that I've changed quite a bit throughout the relationship because I'm more active, more happy, and just living a better quality of life. All good changes for the both of us but still changes to be adjusted to.
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STLBADGIRL wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »I watch my 600lbs life all the time....and I am astounded at how many of them are married and/or have a S.O.
I have plenty of friends that are a little overweight and can't find a decent guy, but the 600 lbs men and women can pull them a husband and S.O. and they seem to be supportive for the most part.
Logistically speaking I'm not sure if it's possible to reach 600 lbs without someone enabling this.
I didn't think about it like that... That is so true...big time enabler. But they still have a S.O/husband which is somewhat shocking to me at that level of obesity...
Talk about fat shaming...
I'm not fat shaming...at least in my heart I am not. I've always struggled with weight. What I am saying and didn't type it all out....is that most people on the show can't even get out of bed, they cannot do nothing for themselves, and they can pull a husband/spouse. How can a person well over 600 lbs, that is confined to a bed and have no real signs of enjoying life get a partner and sometimes supportive (or an enabler) pull a spouse and you have others that are a little overweight, can enjoy life, go on dates not. And as a couple pointed out, it's dysfunction.
Furthermore, I give them a round of an applause for wanting to make a change...because I am not sure if I could be on tv like them.
No fat shame dude.3 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »I watch my 600lbs life all the time....and I am astounded at how many of them are married and/or have a S.O.
I have plenty of friends that are a little overweight and can't find a decent guy, but the 600 lbs men and women can pull them a husband and S.O. and they seem to be supportive for the most part.
Logistically speaking I'm not sure if it's possible to reach 600 lbs without someone enabling this.
I didn't think about it like that... That is so true...big time enabler. But they still have a S.O/husband which is somewhat shocking to me at that level of obesity...
Talk about fat shaming...
I'm not fat shaming...at least in my heart I am not. I've always struggled with weight. What I am saying and didn't type it all out....is that most people on the show can't even get out of bed, they cannot do nothing for themselves, and they can pull a husband/spouse. How can a person well over 600 lbs, that is confined to a bed and have no real signs of enjoying life get a partner and sometimes supportive (or an enabler) pull a spouse and you have others that are a little overweight, can enjoy life, go on dates not. And as a couple pointed out, it's dysfunction.
Furthermore, I give them a round of an applause for wanting to make a change...because I am not sure if I could be on tv like them.
No fat shame dude.
Whatever helps you sleep at night babe.3 -
That got hostile again, fast like!
I didn't read it as fat shaming either, just observational curiosity. I also didn't read heiliskrimsli's posts as unfair either. I love learning about all the different viewpoints, even despite the drama. A few responses off and on in this thread have made me wince but I am a bit of a softie emotionally.
Very much an eye opener from start to finish and still secretly hoping McStabbems comes back
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STLBADGIRL wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »I watch my 600lbs life all the time....and I am astounded at how many of them are married and/or have a S.O.
I have plenty of friends that are a little overweight and can't find a decent guy, but the 600 lbs men and women can pull them a husband and S.O. and they seem to be supportive for the most part.
Logistically speaking I'm not sure if it's possible to reach 600 lbs without someone enabling this.
I didn't think about it like that... That is so true...big time enabler. But they still have a S.O/husband which is somewhat shocking to me at that level of obesity...
Talk about fat shaming...
I'm not fat shaming...at least in my heart I am not. I've always struggled with weight. What I am saying and didn't type it all out....is that most people on the show can't even get out of bed, they cannot do nothing for themselves, and they can pull a husband/spouse. How can a person well over 600 lbs, that is confined to a bed and have no real signs of enjoying life get a partner and sometimes supportive (or an enabler) pull a spouse and you have others that are a little overweight, can enjoy life, go on dates not. And as a couple pointed out, it's dysfunction.
Furthermore, I give them a round of an applause for wanting to make a change...because I am not sure if I could be on tv like them.
No fat shame dude.
Hmmm, I don't think your intent was to fat shame, but when you question how can an obese person "pull" a spouse/SO that goes beyond personal preference and it implies that these people are not worthy or shouldn't expect to have a romantic relationship b/c they are obese.
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I took it as more 'Where do they FIND a spouse when they can't get out of bed?', when so many other singles are out there searching and can't manage to find anyone.3
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mom23mangos wrote: »I took it as more 'Where do they FIND a spouse when they can't get out of bed?', when so many other singles are out there searching and can't manage to find anyone.
I would guess that sometimes they meet them online either dating sites or other forums.
Just like many other people.0 -
drawaimfire wrote: »That got hostile again, fast like!
I didn't read it as fat shaming either, just observational curiosity. I also didn't read heiliskrimsli's posts as unfair either. I love learning about all the different viewpoints, even despite the drama. A few responses off and on in this thread have made me wince but I am a bit of a softie emotionally.
Very much an eye opener from start to finish and still secretly hoping McStabbems comes back
Thanks.
I'm not a fuzzy, touchy-feely sort. I was born to be an engineer. We are terse and factual by nature, and I am not really any different in a relationship. I tend to date other engineers.4 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »drawaimfire wrote: »That got hostile again, fast like!
I didn't read it as fat shaming either, just observational curiosity. I also didn't read heiliskrimsli's posts as unfair either. I love learning about all the different viewpoints, even despite the drama. A few responses off and on in this thread have made me wince but I am a bit of a softie emotionally.
Very much an eye opener from start to finish and still secretly hoping McStabbems comes back
Thanks.
I'm not a fuzzy, touchy-feely sort. I was born to be an engineer. We are terse and factual by nature, and I am not really any different in a relationship. I tend to date other engineers.
I would like to add that I've also appreciated your forthrightness on this thread and your willingness to engage in dialogue despite some hostility directed towards you.
My partner is ex military and is definitely terse and factual by nature. I get it. It actually helps cut through the crap. I'm a musician so I can get a bit dramatic sometimes. 8
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