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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
Replies
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I seriously admire anyone could be so open and be fine with it. I am so ridiculously sensitive about my weight! I have gained about 40lbs since I first met my partner (although I was 97lbs and pretty ill) and it has really started to get to me recently.
He is absolutely lovely, and whenever I moan about the weight i've gained he tells me it doesn't bother him and tries to make me feel better. However, I can moan about by weight but if he bought it up it would devastate me which is really hypocritical - I can handle me not being attracted to me, but I couldn't handle him not being attracted to me. I even had a dream a few nights ago where we were at a party and he was angry at m for not being as skinny and pretty as the other girls, and then he wandered off and I found him in bed with a skinny blonde and he told me it was my fault for not being skinny. I woke up in tears.
Seriously, hats off to you people who can take the honesty. I think you just have to find a partner who respects you enough to be able to approach these issues in a way that suits you and everyone has different 'suits'.
Sounds like he is being honest. Everyone is going to deal with issues differently, but I would rather deal with the source of a problem and deal with the emotions there than let it ride out and create more problems down the road.
Fear of change is natural, but once you embrace change this is incredibly enabling and infectious. Once you realize that you and you alone are responsible, great things happen.
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Maybe ultimatum was the wrong word. If it motivated you I am all for it . What I meant is that if we meet someone and they are physically fit it might be more of a shock and a game changer when they start gaining weight and become less active. If we meet someone and we know they have weight issues going in it may change how we see them and how we react .
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Oh I completely agree there. It would be shocking if he started to gain weight and let himself go. Obviously, I'd support him and try to get him to lose the weight. Hopefully, it's after I've achieved my own fitness goals so it wouldn't seem hypocritical.
The second part is true as well. He's said that I've changed quite a bit throughout the relationship because I'm more active, more happy, and just living a better quality of life. All good changes for the both of us but still changes to be adjusted to.
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STLBADGIRL wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »I watch my 600lbs life all the time....and I am astounded at how many of them are married and/or have a S.O.
I have plenty of friends that are a little overweight and can't find a decent guy, but the 600 lbs men and women can pull them a husband and S.O. and they seem to be supportive for the most part.
Logistically speaking I'm not sure if it's possible to reach 600 lbs without someone enabling this.
I didn't think about it like that... That is so true...big time enabler. But they still have a S.O/husband which is somewhat shocking to me at that level of obesity...
Talk about fat shaming...
I'm not fat shaming...at least in my heart I am not. I've always struggled with weight. What I am saying and didn't type it all out....is that most people on the show can't even get out of bed, they cannot do nothing for themselves, and they can pull a husband/spouse. How can a person well over 600 lbs, that is confined to a bed and have no real signs of enjoying life get a partner and sometimes supportive (or an enabler) pull a spouse and you have others that are a little overweight, can enjoy life, go on dates not. And as a couple pointed out, it's dysfunction.
Furthermore, I give them a round of an applause for wanting to make a change...because I am not sure if I could be on tv like them.
No fat shame dude.3 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »I watch my 600lbs life all the time....and I am astounded at how many of them are married and/or have a S.O.
I have plenty of friends that are a little overweight and can't find a decent guy, but the 600 lbs men and women can pull them a husband and S.O. and they seem to be supportive for the most part.
Logistically speaking I'm not sure if it's possible to reach 600 lbs without someone enabling this.
I didn't think about it like that... That is so true...big time enabler. But they still have a S.O/husband which is somewhat shocking to me at that level of obesity...
Talk about fat shaming...
I'm not fat shaming...at least in my heart I am not. I've always struggled with weight. What I am saying and didn't type it all out....is that most people on the show can't even get out of bed, they cannot do nothing for themselves, and they can pull a husband/spouse. How can a person well over 600 lbs, that is confined to a bed and have no real signs of enjoying life get a partner and sometimes supportive (or an enabler) pull a spouse and you have others that are a little overweight, can enjoy life, go on dates not. And as a couple pointed out, it's dysfunction.
Furthermore, I give them a round of an applause for wanting to make a change...because I am not sure if I could be on tv like them.
No fat shame dude.
Whatever helps you sleep at night babe.3 -
That got hostile again, fast like!
I didn't read it as fat shaming either, just observational curiosity. I also didn't read heiliskrimsli's posts as unfair either. I love learning about all the different viewpoints, even despite the drama. A few responses off and on in this thread have made me wince but I am a bit of a softie emotionally.
Very much an eye opener from start to finish and still secretly hoping McStabbems comes back
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STLBADGIRL wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »I watch my 600lbs life all the time....and I am astounded at how many of them are married and/or have a S.O.
I have plenty of friends that are a little overweight and can't find a decent guy, but the 600 lbs men and women can pull them a husband and S.O. and they seem to be supportive for the most part.
Logistically speaking I'm not sure if it's possible to reach 600 lbs without someone enabling this.
I didn't think about it like that... That is so true...big time enabler. But they still have a S.O/husband which is somewhat shocking to me at that level of obesity...
Talk about fat shaming...
I'm not fat shaming...at least in my heart I am not. I've always struggled with weight. What I am saying and didn't type it all out....is that most people on the show can't even get out of bed, they cannot do nothing for themselves, and they can pull a husband/spouse. How can a person well over 600 lbs, that is confined to a bed and have no real signs of enjoying life get a partner and sometimes supportive (or an enabler) pull a spouse and you have others that are a little overweight, can enjoy life, go on dates not. And as a couple pointed out, it's dysfunction.
Furthermore, I give them a round of an applause for wanting to make a change...because I am not sure if I could be on tv like them.
No fat shame dude.
Hmmm, I don't think your intent was to fat shame, but when you question how can an obese person "pull" a spouse/SO that goes beyond personal preference and it implies that these people are not worthy or shouldn't expect to have a romantic relationship b/c they are obese.
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I took it as more 'Where do they FIND a spouse when they can't get out of bed?', when so many other singles are out there searching and can't manage to find anyone.3
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mom23mangos wrote: »I took it as more 'Where do they FIND a spouse when they can't get out of bed?', when so many other singles are out there searching and can't manage to find anyone.
I would guess that sometimes they meet them online either dating sites or other forums.
Just like many other people.0 -
drawaimfire wrote: »That got hostile again, fast like!
I didn't read it as fat shaming either, just observational curiosity. I also didn't read heiliskrimsli's posts as unfair either. I love learning about all the different viewpoints, even despite the drama. A few responses off and on in this thread have made me wince but I am a bit of a softie emotionally.
Very much an eye opener from start to finish and still secretly hoping McStabbems comes back
Thanks.
I'm not a fuzzy, touchy-feely sort. I was born to be an engineer. We are terse and factual by nature, and I am not really any different in a relationship. I tend to date other engineers.4 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »drawaimfire wrote: »That got hostile again, fast like!
I didn't read it as fat shaming either, just observational curiosity. I also didn't read heiliskrimsli's posts as unfair either. I love learning about all the different viewpoints, even despite the drama. A few responses off and on in this thread have made me wince but I am a bit of a softie emotionally.
Very much an eye opener from start to finish and still secretly hoping McStabbems comes back
Thanks.
I'm not a fuzzy, touchy-feely sort. I was born to be an engineer. We are terse and factual by nature, and I am not really any different in a relationship. I tend to date other engineers.
I would like to add that I've also appreciated your forthrightness on this thread and your willingness to engage in dialogue despite some hostility directed towards you.
My partner is ex military and is definitely terse and factual by nature. I get it. It actually helps cut through the crap. I'm a musician so I can get a bit dramatic sometimes.
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forwardmoving wrote: »mom23mangos wrote: »I took it as more 'Where do they FIND a spouse when they can't get out of bed?', when so many other singles are out there searching and can't manage to find anyone.
I would guess that sometimes they meet them online either dating sites or other forums.
Just like many other people.
On the show, most of them met their partners while they were still up and mobile. Then, they just continued to gain to the point of immobility.0 -
Mine has no problem with telling me how fat and unattractive I am. I'm not sure what he was going for, but it sure didn't help me lose weight.6
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chantelp0508 wrote: »Mine has no problem with telling me how fat and unattractive I am. I'm not sure what he was going for, but it sure didn't help me lose weight.
I think it's because you have to be mentally ready to do it for yourself.1 -
Therealobi1 wrote: »chantelp0508 wrote: »Mine has no problem with telling me how fat and unattractive I am. I'm not sure what he was going for, but it sure didn't help me lose weight.
I think it's because you have to be mentally ready to do it for yourself.
Or because it's just a jerk move to tear people down.15 -
IMO if your feelings toward your partner undergo any sustained (even if minor) change, you have a responsibility to tell them. It shouldn't get to the point where your partner is "too thin" or "too fat," because that's not something that just happens; it's something that happens over time. And if I choose to ignore a potential problem because maybe it'll just resolve itself, I need to worry less about my partner's issues and focus more on addressing my own.
Effective communication is VITAL to any long-term relationship.4 -
Yes, how do you find a spouse and how do you keep a spouse when normal day activities or a having a typical functioning marriage is halted. For most, no sex, no dating life, no working, no sharing the bed, no maintaining of the house, etc....mom23mangos wrote: »I took it as more 'Where do they FIND a spouse when they can't get out of bed?', when so many other singles are out there searching and can't manage to find anyone.
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@chantelp0508 Yes, that type of communication does not work for all people. Are you still with him?chantelp0508 wrote: »Mine has no problem with telling me how fat and unattractive I am. I'm not sure what he was going for, but it sure didn't help me lose weight.
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clicketykeys wrote: »IMO if your feelings toward your partner undergo any sustained (even if minor) change, you have a responsibility to tell them. It shouldn't get to the point where your partner is "too thin" or "too fat," because that's not something that just happens; it's something that happens over time. And if I choose to ignore a potential problem because maybe it'll just resolve itself, I need to worry less about my partner's issues and focus more on addressing my own.
Effective communication is VITAL to any long-term relationship.
There are people who have said that it seems extreme to bring up a five or ten pound weight gain, because it's so minor and it shouldn't change anything. I think you have a clear point here about why it's not too minor to bring up. If you don't, then what? Do you wait until it's a serious problem and then you're that jerk who "suddenly" isn't attracted to them anymore and dumps them?
Personally I prefer the early and more communication route, both for myself and from an SO, and I prefer if they're direct about it. I don't do subtle hints.4 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »clicketykeys wrote: »IMO if your feelings toward your partner undergo any sustained (even if minor) change, you have a responsibility to tell them. It shouldn't get to the point where your partner is "too thin" or "too fat," because that's not something that just happens; it's something that happens over time. And if I choose to ignore a potential problem because maybe it'll just resolve itself, I need to worry less about my partner's issues and focus more on addressing my own.
Effective communication is VITAL to any long-term relationship.
There are people who have said that it seems extreme to bring up a five or ten pound weight gain, because it's so minor and it shouldn't change anything. I think you have a clear point here about why it's not too minor to bring up. If you don't, then what? Do you wait until it's a serious problem and then you're that jerk who "suddenly" isn't attracted to them anymore and dumps them?
Personally I prefer the early and more communication route, both for myself and from an SO, and I prefer if they're direct about it. I don't do subtle hints.
can you really see 5 pounds difference in someone?1 -
@chantelp0508 Yes, that type of communication does not work for all people. Are you still with him?STLBADGIRL wrote: ».
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I am. I just try to ignore it0 -
Therealobi1 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »clicketykeys wrote: »IMO if your feelings toward your partner undergo any sustained (even if minor) change, you have a responsibility to tell them. It shouldn't get to the point where your partner is "too thin" or "too fat," because that's not something that just happens; it's something that happens over time. And if I choose to ignore a potential problem because maybe it'll just resolve itself, I need to worry less about my partner's issues and focus more on addressing my own.
Effective communication is VITAL to any long-term relationship.
There are people who have said that it seems extreme to bring up a five or ten pound weight gain, because it's so minor and it shouldn't change anything. I think you have a clear point here about why it's not too minor to bring up. If you don't, then what? Do you wait until it's a serious problem and then you're that jerk who "suddenly" isn't attracted to them anymore and dumps them?
Personally I prefer the early and more communication route, both for myself and from an SO, and I prefer if they're direct about it. I don't do subtle hints.
can you really see 5 pounds difference in someone?
The more fit and lean someone is, the easier it is to see smaller weight fluctuations.1 -
Interesting thread. I have always been overweight and I still am. I had no problem attracting men when I was 200 lbs heavier. I still talk to a couple of men that I have known for some years. The funny thing is some don't mention my weight either way. I asked one if he liked my new body or my old body and he said he cant tell the difference. I did not take that as insult because he is attracted to me both ways. I asked another guy that I really like if he likes my body better now or before. He said I liked your body before and I like your body now. Great answer. I also asked him if there is a point where I could lose so much weight that he would no longer be attracted to me. He kinda gave me a vague answer. For me, I think people see you as you portray yourself, no matter what size you are. If someone likes you and especially if they love you then they should love you as you are. Having said that, if a man I like gains an extreme amount of weight I do not think I would still be attracted to him...Ijs2
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A bit off topic but my boss got this junk email this morning and it made me think of this thread:
@MeganAM89 What the actual *kitten*...... I wonder how this is going to play out.... I have no more words....1 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »A bit off topic but my boss got this junk email this morning and it made me think of this thread:
@MeganAM89 What the actual *kitten*...... I wonder how this is going to play out.... I have no more words....
It's just click bait - and possibly a link to a virus.
lmaoooooooooooooo. Didn't pick up on that. I've been studying for finals and I am a little off my rocker today.
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chantelp0508 wrote: »
@chantelp0508 Yes, that type of communication does not work for all people. Are you still with him?STLBADGIRL wrote: ».
I am. I just try to ignore it [/quote]
Crap. Please do not let his ill way of communicating to you result in low self esteem. And hopefully he is supporting you on your quest to a healthier and fitter you.0 -
I think if you're over weight or under weight your s.o can make a suggestion to you about it like "honey maybe we should start eating healthier and working out together" if they take it wrongly there's ways to tell them without being mean like "I just want us to be healthier so we can live longer together and feel better" of they don't want to change then that's fine but if you're not okay with it don't be with them. Demanding a change or treating you badly for it is a form of domestic abuse so no that is not okay. There are ways to talk about these things and they should be addressed.2
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I've had friends to lose weight at their partner's request and they S.O still left. Sometimes I think it is multiple factors and weight is just the icing on the cake vs just the weight issues IMO. I know others on here said that weight solely will cause them to leave though. And for some reason I don't think they would have the sweet conversation that you stated they should haveericatoday wrote: »I think if you're over weight or under weight your s.o can make a suggestion to you about it like "honey maybe we should start eating healthier and working out together" if they take it wrongly there's ways to tell them without being mean like "I just want us to be healthier so we can live longer together and feel better" of they don't want to change then that's fine but if you're not okay with it don't be with them. Demanding a change or treating you badly for it is a form of domestic abuse so no that is not okay. There are ways to talk about these things and they should be addressed.
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I don't think an SO should ever bring up their partner's weight. Period. End of story. There's no need. If somebody gets overweight, I'm sure they are well aware of it. It's just a recipe for hurt feelings or in my case I'd probably get pissed off:)3
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TaraTaraTara76 wrote: »I don't think an SO should ever bring up their partner's weight. Period. End of story. There's no need. If somebody gets overweight, I'm sure they are well aware of it. It's just a recipe for hurt feelings or in my case I'd probably get pissed off:)
@TaraTaraTara76 - so are you suggesting that they not communicate with you at all their feelings regarding your weight or are you suggesting that they should trust that you will do something about your weight on your own?2 -
Yes, they should. You get into a relationship with certain expectations and you do not get to decide to change them and expect your partner to be happy. Circumstances notwithstanding (childbirth, illness, injury), if you gain or lose weight and it is in your control, they're allowed to feel a certain way about it, especially if it's not what they signed up for. I personally do not want my partner to gain too much weight. I plan on living for a long time and he is 100% part of those plans. I expect him to take care of himself so we can celebrate our longevity together, so we can raise our children to be happy and healthy and not be restricted by preventable ailments. I want our sex life to continue be satisfying and I want him to desire me as much as I want to continue to desire him. I want him to feel good, to feel confident and strong (I certainly do). These are real things and a lot of people ignore the effects they have on your relationship's physical and emotional health when they change.6
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