All of my friends are getting bigger............
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MegaMooseEsq wrote: »MommaGem2017 wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.
I just don't think it's even that intentional. I was at my lowest weight ever when I met my husband. Living alone, I didn't want to bother cooking extensive meals for myself, so I would eat a bowl of cereal, soup, frozen meal, and then go to yoga all night. After I moved in with my (soon-to-be) husband, I actually wanted to cook nice meals for this person I loved. A lazy bowl of cereal turned into yummy lasagnas with wine, and other delicious foods. Both my husband and I were eating richer, more calorie dense foods than normal and we both gained a few pounds.
"(taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course)" is actually a huge part of it."
But this is really the key of it all - just LIFE. After our wedding I had two babies and two knee injuries. Tired from back-to-back babies and no longer able to perform the exercise I preferred.... well, now I'm here on MFP trying to lose weight.
Did I intentionally "let myself go"? No, but life happens.
Exactly! It's a little disheartening, although not surprising, to see that even on a freaking weight loss forum, there are people whose primary idea of an overweight person is someone who just got lazy. Not everyone has babies (although many people do), or get injured (although anyone can and many do), but everyone ages. Major mental health crises happen. People move. Pets die. Parents die. Life happens. I find it much nicer to assume that people have their own lives going on rather than get grumpy about those worthless couch potatoes.
Yep. After my mom died, I was in a very deep dark depression that lasted over a year. I put on 10lbs over that year and a half. I had many BED episodes. I struggled.
Recently, there have been a few pet deaths too, and I nursed them to the very end. With the last pet death (sugar glider), I was sleeping 1-2 hours a night for 2 weeks (nocturnal pet). I almost sunk myself into the BED hole, but dragged myself off the rim. During those 2 weeks, I ate for energy, so mostly carbs. I ate because I was stressed.
I met my husband when I was close to my heaviest. He loved me then, and loves me now. Weight has never been an issue in our marriage.
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I agree. When we are fit, thin, and healthy, people stop being nice. Even "friends" find something to say about you out of jealousy, or whatever it is they feel towards you. Even on this app, people don't want to hear that you weigh 120#. I think that thin people get mistreated and don't get the respect as the heavier people in the midst of their weight loss,.. Although we started out at unhealthy levels just like the rest of them..RaeBeeBaby wrote: »Mom used to say "fat and happy, skinny and sad". That has been true my entire life. Why? Comfort eating and confident in the love no matter the shape or size. It is easier than you think to gain a few pounds here and there and shrug it off. At the end of the day it comes down to wanting a better body for yourself and making the changes to get there.
I've had (former) friends who dropped me when I got fit. As long as we were all struggling it was fine, but get thinner and fit and you're somehow a threat, even if you're absolutely not. You realize those aren't real friends after all. These days I make better choices all around - food, fitness AND friends.
I have definitely noticed a few friend's distancing themselves as my weight has gone down, but I have rarely experienced someone being openly rude about it. What I have noticed is that I get treated better by others in general. I won't blaim "thin privilege," because I think it has more to do with my overall demeanor than my actual clothing size. One year ago I was very depressed and angry all the time (not because of my weight, but it didn't help either) I think it showed on my face. Who wants to interact with the always grumpy person? Now that I have my depression managed and am generally happier overall, partially because I'm finally learning how to practice self care, I tend to have those around me treat me with more kindness and respect than before. I doubt my weightloss has very much to do with it.
Though I'm willing to believe there are those out there who treat the overweight population with distain simply because they are overweight. I'm sure it happens. This thread more or less proves that.
And while I have not personally experienced anyone being rude about my weightloss I will admit to knowing a few people who would absolutely be rude and mean about it were they to ever find out how much I have lost. They don't know because I have chosen to limit my exposure to them for that and other reasons. Part of my depression management and self care included realizing I didn't have to interact with mean, judgmental people, so most of them were long gone before my weight loss became noticeable.4 -
HeliumIsNoble wrote: »I once read that statistically, women are very likely to put on weight after the start of a long-term relationship. Wherever it was claimed it was because it comes naturally to someone dishing up food to give both adults exactly the same size of portion.
No idea if this is true, but it's interesting.
This is exactly what happened to me. When I was single, I'd eat a can of corn, or whatever was one hand. Once we moved in together it was a big production eating and cooking fancy dinners, drinking wine together, eating out and long weekend pub crawls.
We still eat out a little, but I do all the meal planning at home. And I may be a buzzkill, but after losing the 75# I gained since getting married, I pass on day drinking altogether.3 -
HeliumIsNoble wrote: »I once read that statistically, women are very likely to put on weight after the start of a long-term relationship. Wherever it was claimed it was because it comes naturally to someone dishing up food to give both adults exactly the same size of portion.
No idea if this is true, but it's interesting.
This is exactly what happened to me. When I was single, I'd eat a can of corn, or whatever was one hand. Once we moved in together it was a big production eating and cooking fancy dinners, drinking wine together, eating out and long weekend pub crawls.
We still eat out a little, but I do all the meal planning at home. And I may be a buzzkill, but after losing the 75# I gained since getting married, I pass on day drinking altogether.
That's an interesting point. Before moving in with my husband I would eat on the fly and often not make a meal, just a snack or whatnot. Now I feel obliged to make a proper meal of an evening.0 -
I am 31, 5'1, CW 115, GW 112 (keeps bouncing back up bc I am not maintaining properly). I have been married a year and most of my friends are married, with or without kids, or in a long term committed relationship. EVERYONE is getting HUGE. Seeing friends from college or somewhere after a year or so, and they have gained 50 pounds. What is going on? Do they not care? Also, I would never FORCE diet advice on them, but if they ask or it come up, I say "MFP" and they say im pyscho etc and have no interest blah blah, takes too long, excuse. WHAT GIVES???
If you try to derive your self-worth from your own achievements instead of other people's problems you just might feel happier.15 -
MommaGem2017 wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.
I just don't think it's even that intentional. I was at my lowest weight ever when I met my husband. Living alone, I didn't want to bother cooking extensive meals for myself, so I would eat a bowl of cereal, soup, frozen meal, and then go to yoga all night. After I moved in with my (soon-to-be) husband, I actually wanted to cook nice meals for this person I loved. A lazy bowl of cereal turned into yummy lasagnas with wine, and other delicious foods. Both my husband and I were eating richer, more calorie dense foods than normal and we both gained a few pounds.
"(taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course)"
But this is really the key of it all - just LIFE. After our wedding I had two babies and two knee injuries. Tired from back-to-back babies and no longer able to perform the exercise I preferred.... well, now I'm here on MFP trying to lose weight.
Did I intentionally "let myself go"? No, but life happens.
Yes, I agree with that. Wasn't intentionally paying attention and before you know it...bam, you look in the mirror and see someone you don't expect. Been there and it's quite surprising.
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have children lol! Life gets busy- people stress eat, drink, and don't work out- raising kids is tough especially when you have to work full time on top of it! Yes- you need to make yourself a priority but it's hard when you are responsible for people other than yourself!!!2
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HeliumIsNoble wrote: »I once read that statistically, women are very likely to put on weight after the start of a long-term relationship. Wherever it was claimed it was because it comes naturally to someone dishing up food to give both adults exactly the same size of portion.
No idea if this is true, but it's interesting.
This might be slightly off topic, but is it always the case that men and women can't have the same serving size? My husband and are with an inch of each other for height (5' 9"/5' 10") and although he's is slightly broader than I in the shoulders, it's not much. I can wear his shirts around the house and the shoulder of them is only slightly below my natural shoulder. So I guess I'm asking if a man and woman happened to be the same height/build, would the woman still need less just because of being a woman? Or is just that men are usually larger than women?
My hubby is nearly 30kgs (66lbs) heavier than me and 2" taller and i eat a lot more than him! The difference is that I'm active and he is not.0 -
tiptoethruthetulips wrote: »I am 31, 5'1, CW 115, GW 112 (keeps bouncing back up bc I am not maintaining properly). I have been married a year and most of my friends are married, with or without kids, or in a long term committed relationship. EVERYONE is getting HUGE. Seeing friends from college or somewhere after a year or so, and they have gained 50 pounds. What is going on? Do they not care? Also, I would never FORCE diet advice on them, but if they ask or it come up, I say "MFP" and they say im pyscho etc and have no interest blah blah, takes too long, excuse. WHAT GIVES???
Did you write the post below? If so it says you married in March which isn't a year ago, interestingly within a couple of months or so, there was a 9lb gain...so I guess you already know what gives....
I think the post about EVERYONE getting HUGE but not you is just a brag post.
Well done you, you lost your weight gain after your wedding, perhaps you could show your friends some compassionate and perhaps not be so judgemental about them. You have no idea what goes on in their lives, could be family or relationship issues, work issues, depression, children issues, emotional eating, etc etc...don't think for one minute they tell you everything about them.
https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10558943/weight-gain-after-the-wedding
Love this!5 -
I'm 38yrs old and I see this happening to people in my peer group. Mom friends, acquaintances, people you see in the community that are around my age etc. Many factors including eating most meals in the car, from a window. Especially if you work full time, have multiple kids in activities after school, thus spending a large amount of time on the road, on the field, eating on the fly etc.0
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RaeBeeBaby wrote: »Mom used to say "fat and happy, skinny and sad". That has been true my entire life. Why? Comfort eating and confident in the love no matter the shape or size. It is easier than you think to gain a few pounds here and there and shrug it off. At the end of the day it comes down to wanting a better body for yourself and making the changes to get there.
I've had (former) friends who dropped me when I got fit. As long as we were all struggling it was fine, but get thinner and fit and you're somehow a threat, even if you're absolutely not. You realize those aren't real friends after all. These days I make better choices all around - food, fitness AND friends.
I agree. When we are fit, thin, and healthy, people stop being nice. Even "friends" find something to say about you out of jealousy, or whatever it is they feel towards you. Even on this app, people don't want to hear that you weigh 120#. I think that thin people get mistreated and don't get the respect as the heavier people in the midst of their weight loss,.. Although we started out at unhealthy levels just like the rest of them..
This didn't happen to me at all. ALL of the reactions I got to my weight loss were positive. I'm still 125, though. I know people smaller than me, though, and they don't think being 120 or under is frowned upon.
I know plenty of people on this site in great shape/fit/thin, and I find them inspiring, especially if they've maintained a while.4 -
I've found adults gain weight when they finally gain full financial control of their diet, which fits the false "slow metabolism in adulthood (25+yrs)" theory most attach themselves to. These adults can finally have that cake for dinner every night after dreaming of it as a kid and no one can stop them.
Great, now I want cake for dinner
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Bry_Lander wrote: »I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.
What a load of tosh.
Your assumption that people gain weight because they 'let themselves go' is atrociously insulting!
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Dude if I found out you were secretly one of my friends, I would be really hurt by your thoughtless posts. It doesn't matter how fat your friends get, really...21
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kristikitter wrote: »Dude if I found out you were secretly one of my friends, I would be really hurt by your thoughtless posts. It doesn't matter how fat your friends get, really...
This... simply put2 -
LazyButHealthy wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.
What a load of tosh.
Your assumption that people gain weight because they 'let themselves go' is atrociously insulting!
So using a phrase like “letting themselves go” triggers an extremely intense feeling of being insulted? Lol, I hope you use a great deal of caution when viewing this forum and most online content, that is about as benign as it gets.
Feel free to advance an alternative theory as to why a lot of couples tend to put on weight after they get married (keeping in mind that I have already identified aging, babies, and medical conditions as foreseeable and often unavoidable causes.)12 -
I love these threads. It's like everyone on here is trying to win the most worthless popularity contest.11
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Bry_Lander wrote: »LazyButHealthy wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »I don't see how it is acceptable to "let yourself go" because you feel comfortable with someone and are no longer motivated to impress that person with your physical appearance (taking into account aging, babies, and medical conditions, of course). The shape that you were in when you committed to being in a relationship should be the baseline going forward.
What a load of tosh.
Your assumption that people gain weight because they 'let themselves go' is atrociously insulting!
So using a phrase like “letting themselves go” triggers an extremely intense feeling of being insulted? Lol, I hope you use a great deal of caution when viewing this forum and most online content, that is about as benign as it gets.
Feel free to advance an alternative theory as to why a lot of couples tend to put on weight after they get married (keeping in mind that I have already identified aging, babies, and medical conditions as foreseeable and often unavoidable causes.)
From what I witness it is often actually portion control when women move in with their partners.
They can keep the same lifestyle, but the food can change significantly.
For example, before I lived with my partner, I would often have more of a meal in the day and only a light salad in the evenings. Or de-frost a pre-cooked evening meal I batch cooked.
Now we eat together and despite my explanations, he doesn't weigh or measure, he heavily over-ladens my plate in line with his. I never finish the meals and general eat half, but never have an idea of calories of those meals.
As others have mentioned, often on his turn to cook it will be take-away before I even know about it.
We also have busier weekend as a couple now (mainly family events etc.) so I've noticed a big reduction in the time I used to have during weekend days to prep food for the week ahead. Living with a partner changes your entire routine and also your control of what's in your cupboards, how things are prepared, what is for each meal, where and how you spend your time. It's silly and ignorant to think it's just laziness.
Have I let myself go? I don't think so. I still try to manage my food, and still go to the gym and take longer walks.
He is much less active and healthy.
But my weight has increased in the year we have lived together.
And, for clarification, it's the assumption and the judgement that is insulting. That you presume to know the what and the why. Almost as judgemental as the OP.
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Let's see...
OP writes humble brag/judgy post about overweight friends that she thinks is OK because internet anonymity...
People chime in to offer counterpoints with reasons why said overweight friends might be struggling, might not be ready to lose the weight, etc...
A couple posters eager for any chance to Fat shame those who are overweight and struggling join in because clearly these friends are lazy and just don't give a baby sloth about their health and there should be no excuses for getting fat...
Sounds about right, did I miss anything?43 -
RuNaRoUnDaFiEld wrote: »That's their business.
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