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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
Replies
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Isn't the question, "Do you still find me attractive?" Then, will you believe the partner's answer?
Hubby and I frequently talk about weight and health without suggesting that the other's profile could use some trimming.
I've taken hubby to my diabetic classes and we've had couples fitness coaching. I must say I worked off a lot of frustration throwing a medicine ball at him.
Here's a sampling of things we've said:
"Let's see if you can lift this weight. Hahahahaha."
"Wait a minute. You don't need any more toast tonight!"
"If I lose a lot of weight, will you still find me attractive?"
"Is my belly going down?"
As to when and how a diet or fitness regimen is started, it is entirely in the partner's hands.0 -
To some extent. Badgering or shaming the spouse is bad. But if you see your spouse getting unhealthy then of course you are going to try to steer them back on the right track. If you love someone you don't want to see their health decline, especially when the cause is totally preventable.3
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When I meet my current BF of 5 years (we've decided to not get married but are very committed, still trying to figure out something more adult to call him ... he he). I was about 5lbs heavier than I am now. I had just started a new job (at his company) and had went from 193-165 in about a year. We were instant friends...but I continued to lose weight until I was 142. This was around the time we started dating - about 6 months after we met.
Now, to put this into perspective, I'm 5'11. So 142 is pretty low. And he thought I was good looking since we met when I was 165 (I thought I was huge, but that's another story). I do remember a time when he approached me, concerned, that I had lost too much. And honestly I got that low just because I could. I realised I was really good at losing weight. So, when he said something I was pretty put off for a couple days, but realized after talking with my Mom (who's always been candid on her thoughts but usually lets me do whatever) that he was right and I needed to gain some back. Not all, just get up to 150 (which is still my "sweet" spot).
Now after 5 years, I have a hard enough time keeping at 150 than trying for 142. So, for me, I'm glad he said something. And honestly I wouldn't have stayed there much longer with our lifestyle.0 -
Since this post I've witnessed on a couple occasions that 'some' people want you to look aesthetically good, regardless to what your diet and fitness lifestyle habits are. For instance, I have two male cousins that will not date/marry a woman that is considered fat or overweight... Almost like they are attracted to the trophy type female or arm candy - and can care less if she is active in the gym or other physical activities or what most would consider healthy. Just as long as she has 'that look'.
I think some claim to put more of this issue on health (because that's a good reason to want one to lose weight, vs saying I am unattracted to you because of your weight.), but ultimately, for some, it's the looks and the attraction that out rank the 'health' part of why one would want their partner to lose weight and/or be in a healthy attractive BMI/weight range.
So in theory, if they are in a weight range that is pleasing to the eye, who cares if they eat healthy, work out or have healthy habits- just as long as they 'look good'.0 -
I think that when you love someone, part of that love is pushing each other to be the best versions of yourself. My husband and I have been together at just about every range of weight. We have been in great shape together, average, and now we are at our highest weights.
When we discuss losing weight and getting healthy it has nothing to do with attraction, because we have never been able to keep our hands off each other. I think he is just about the hottest thing I have ever seen. I think that now, just like I thought that when he was at his most fit...and he thinks the same of me. Honestly we are going to be hot for each other through thick and thin (literally lol). When we talk about getting fit together and eating healthy, the only thing that we are talking about is being there for our future family, and putting out best foot forward in the future. We want to be better for each other, and we want to be around for as long as possible.
I think you need to be a partner to the person you love in every aspect of your life. You need to encourage each other to be the best you can be...but I don't think you should ever do that by making your S.O. feel self conscious or guilty for their appearance. Don't single them out, be a team and be better together, mentally and physically.5 -
They can have a problem with their significant other if they want but should respect them at the same time. If a person stopped loving their significant other just because of their weight gain or loss then that's pretty sad. They didn't love them to begin with if they don't love them regardless of how they look.
My husband will tell me the truth when I ask him things regarding my weight or appearance and he will be straight up with me regarding losing weight. He always has been. I like an honest person. If he were mean towards me or forced me to lose weight that wouldn't be right but he's just honest with me and I'd want it no other way.2 -
fritch_gets_fit26 wrote: »I think that when you love someone, part of that love is pushing each other to be the best versions of yourself. My husband and I have been together at just about every range of weight. We have been in great shape together, average, and now we are at our highest weights.
When we discuss losing weight and getting healthy it has nothing to do with attraction, because we have never been able to keep our hands off each other. I think he is just about the hottest thing I have ever seen. I think that now, just like I thought that when he was at his most fit...and he thinks the same of me. Honestly we are going to be hot for each other through thick and thin (literally lol). When we talk about getting fit together and eating healthy, the only thing that we are talking about is being there for our future family, and putting out best foot forward in the future. We want to be better for each other, and we want to be around for as long as possible.
I think you need to be a partner to the person you love in every aspect of your life. You need to encourage each other to be the best you can be...but I don't think you should ever do that by making your S.O. feel self conscious or guilty for their appearance. Don't single them out, be a team and be better together, mentally and physically.
This is great that you two push each other to greatness!1 -
For the people that said they would leave their spouse or S.O. because they gained weight, would it be okay for them to get weight loss surgery if they couldn't get it off naturally?0
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I would hope the couple discuss things that would be a breaking point long before committing. If one partner really dislikes super skinny or super fat people as their partner thus should be discussed Ling before they move in together so both know where they stand.
However both need to keep in mind that we all grow old, gain some weight, respond to gravity, go fey, lose our hair and sprout it in other areas, get wrinkles and facial droops and gritty teeth... So in the long run a bit of extra weight is nothing.
For me the deal breaker was my (now ex) husband becoming depressed and completely neglecting his personal hygiene. I am super sensitive to smells and sweaty, unwashed for a week body plus teeth stinking of rotten meat, greasy lanky hair, refusal to change clothes for over a week and stinking of nicotine was absolutely unbearable. I had to speak up. If he had felt as strongly about weight gain, I'd have been fine with him speaking up.0 -
No. If my husband had his way, I would be fat forever. Screw that! He's of healthy weight, but reminds me he likes me big. He used to find thin girls attractive, now he says they are just skin and bones. At first I thought it was to make me feel better about pregnancy gain/happy weight. He likes to sneak extra fat in my food while cooking etc. He likes me fat, we are not on the same page. My current goal weight (might change as I'm closer) will be in the over weight range for bmi. Under 200 I haven't seen in years and is my current goal. Who knows... in the end I might drop an easy 150 on top of my 100 goal as well. It's about how we feel about our bodies, not them!1
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Lyric_Momma wrote: »No. If my husband had his way, I would be fat forever. Screw that! He's of healthy weight, but reminds me he likes me big. He used to find thin girls attractive, now he says they are just skin and bones. At first I thought it was to make me feel better about pregnancy gain/happy weight. He likes to sneak extra fat in my food while cooking etc. He likes me fat, we are not on the same page. My current goal weight (might change as I'm closer) will be in the over weight range for bmi. Under 200 I haven't seen in years and is my current goal. Who knows... in the end I might drop an easy 150 on top of my 100 goal as well. It's about how we feel about our bodies, not them!
This is a tough spot to be in. I have a friend that is going through a similar situation. Her husband brings home all the foods that's a weakness for her and cooks and bring home food that will counter her diet. That's so NOT cool!
It's one thing to want it, but to clearly try and sabotage your goals IS NOT COOL!0 -
My GF of 10 yrs, who is overweight but not obese, thinks that I'm now "too skinny" after having lost 38# over the past year but this opinion has had no effect on our relationship.
She still loves me and I still love her, because our weight and physical appearance do not define our relationship and do not alter our values or personalities.
BTW, we are both over 65, which is generally an age where you learn to accept life as it is, rather than try to change it, when the remainder of life is way too short to sweat the small stuff.4 -
My GF of 10 yrs, who is overweight but not obese, thinks that I'm now "too skinny" after having lost 38# over the past year but this opinion has had no effect on our relationship.
She still loves me and I still love her, because our weight and physical appearance do not define our relationship and do not alter our values or personalities.
BTW, we are both over 65, which is generally an age where you learn to accept life as it is, rather than try to change it, when the remainder of life is way too short to sweat the small stuff.
A wise person told me this too and this was some great advice that I applied to my life. I used to spend a lot of time angry... and a lot of times it was things I couldn't control.
@sgt1372 But for the sake of this thread, would it have been different in your younger years.0 -
VintageFeline wrote: »I think if it's a health issue (overweight or obese/underweight or potential eating disorders) then a partner or spouse is right to tactfully broach the subject.
Otherwise I think they need to keep their trap shut, particularly if they're not in perfect shape themselves.
^^^This.
Bring to the table what you want out of the relationship or remain single or learn to deal.0 -
I don't think any subject should be taboo in a healthy relationship. However, how it's brought up, and the attitude towards it are important.
All partners have to be willing to listen, and all partners need to be sensitive in how they bring it up. "You're fat, do something about it" vs "Hey, you seem to have put on some weight." They also need to take into account how the person feels about it. "Are you unhappy with the extra weight?" vs "I don't like it, lose weight". If the person gaining weight is fine with it, the subject needs to be dropped. If it's about aesthetics, they need to get over themselves, and realise that a person is more than their looks.
That said, I think that if it's about health, it's something that shouldn't just be brushed off. It should still be tactful, of course. My health is paramount to my relationship. My partner doesn't want to see me die young. He wants me around forever, he wants us to be able to do things together, and one of the ways to live as long as I can is to be healthier. Health affects everyone in the relationship.fritch_gets_fit26 wrote: »I think that when you love someone, part of that love is pushing each other to be the best versions of yourself.
I think you need to be a partner to the person you love in every aspect of your life. You need to encourage each other to be the best you can be...but I don't think you should ever do that by making your S.O. feel self conscious or guilty for their appearance. Don't single them out, be a team and be better together, mentally and physically.
This is very true. My partner never makes me feel guilty but he does everything he can to help me better myself. Being a team is so important.2 -
I think it's understandable to bring it up if it's regarding a health concern. I don't care that my husband looks overweight, but if it gets to a point where I'm concerned about his health, I would say something because then it affects both of us and our life together. I don't want to be a widow at a young age, and if we had kids, I wouldn't want them to grow up without a father. Likewise, it's easy for me to be in denial about my own weight and health, so I would appreciate it if someone like my husband, in a kind and supportive way, brought it up out of concern for my health.
My husband and I have gained weight, and lost weight, together. I gotta say- life was better when we had lost weight. We love hiking and doing outdoorsy things, and it was difficult and unenjoyable when we were at our heaviest and unhealthiest. We ended up spending a lot of time just watching TV- neither of us were happy with our individual lives so our life together was suffering too. If we hadn't eventually been open and honest with each other about our concerns, I don't think anything would have changed.2 -
Hmm this is a tricky one. A few Christmases ago my SO said I had gained a little "festive weight" after I asked if I looked a bit heavier. I was mad at him for like 3 days. Then I realised he didn't mean it to be nasty, he still felt I was beautiful and attractive (his words) he was just concerned I was undoing my hard work I'd been putting in and he always has to listen to me *kitten* about how I look and that I don't fit in my clothes which is boooooring to hear every day. So he was just being helpful imo and I'm glad he said something, recently he asked me if he had gained weight and I had to be truthful (not that it bothers me he still looks great to me). So now him and his work buddy are watching what they eat and have both lost up to 4lbs. I don't think it's a bad thing.1
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If you and your S.O. are so fragile that you can't discuss this, you might need to focus on strengthening your relationship before talking about physical attraction.7
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If you and your S.O. are so fragile that you can't discuss this, you might need to focus on strengthening your relationship before talking about physical attraction.
I totally agree. But sometimes it's not the strength of the relationship, it's the strength of the individual that has weight issues.2 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »If you and your S.O. are so fragile that you can't discuss this, you might need to focus on strengthening your relationship before talking about physical attraction.
I totally agree. But sometimes it's not the strength of the relationship, it's the strength of the individual that has weight issues.
Yup. It's never an easy thing to hear but, if it's true, and coming from someone you love, it might be in your best interest to heed those words.1 -
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Depends on the motive. If it is out of love and respect for the other person and their health, absolutely. If it is to tear them down and manipulate them, no.6
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An unpopular perspective I'm sure but I make it a point to take people exactly as they are and if/when things change (in any and all ways) we come to the table and renegotiate the terms of our relationship to include potentially ending the relationship if need be. I have zero interest in telling another adult how to look, live, etc. I can only focus on the ways our interaction is mutually beneficial and sever ties when it is not.5
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please, do this FOR YOU!1
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SexyTimesMike wrote: »I believe it is always in your best interests regardless of how hard it is to hear.
I wouldn't give a blanket statement like that. There are lots of people who use it as manipulation or to cover up their own insecurities. My ex sure did and hence why he is now my ex. It sounds like you have a real winner and a great partner!1 -
I told my boyfriend to stop eating so much or he's gonna end up like his brother. (Bed ridden from obesity, triple bypass, and diabetic)
Now we are both vegan and don't have to worry about that ever happening
I feel that if you love someone, you should stop them harming themselves. As long as it's coming from love and not a personal attack.8 -
My husband and I have both gained and lost weight in our relationship. My smallest was 130 and largest was 215. Honestly, I felt no difference in our relationship, other than I felt like crap, I was more reserved and overall needed a change. But never did I feel like his affection/attention changed towards me in regards to my weight. But, when I feel better , I notice he is just a little more "hands on" than usual. When he gains weight it takes me awhile to notice, but if it is something detrimental to his health, l see no problem in pointing it out. It's all in the motive and intention.5
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SecularVegan wrote: »I told my boyfriend to stop eating so much or he's gonna end up like his brother. (Bed ridden from obesity, triple bypass, and diabetic)
Now we are both vegan and don't have to worry about that ever happening
I feel that if you love someone, you should stop them harming themselves. As long as it's coming from love and not a personal attack.
Cuz there are no overweight vegans?11 -
If you get into a relationship and the person immediately gains 100 pounds then yes, you should say something about it. That weight gain can have a significant impact on a relationship in many ways.5
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forwardmoving wrote: »SecularVegan wrote: »I told my boyfriend to stop eating so much or he's gonna end up like his brother. (Bed ridden from obesity, triple bypass, and diabetic)
Now we are both vegan and don't have to worry about that ever happening
I feel that if you love someone, you should stop them harming themselves. As long as it's coming from love and not a personal attack.
Cuz there are no overweight vegans?
This is what I was thinking.... LOL3
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