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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?

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Replies

  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,465 Member
    Isn't the question, "Do you still find me attractive?" Then, will you believe the partner's answer?

    Hubby and I frequently talk about weight and health without suggesting that the other's profile could use some trimming.

    I've taken hubby to my diabetic classes and we've had couples fitness coaching. I must say I worked off a lot of frustration throwing a medicine ball at him.

    Here's a sampling of things we've said:

    "Let's see if you can lift this weight. Hahahahaha."

    "Wait a minute. You don't need any more toast tonight!"

    "If I lose a lot of weight, will you still find me attractive?"

    "Is my belly going down?"

    As to when and how a diet or fitness regimen is started, it is entirely in the partner's hands.
  • gothchiq
    gothchiq Posts: 4,592 Member
    To some extent. Badgering or shaming the spouse is bad. But if you see your spouse getting unhealthy then of course you are going to try to steer them back on the right track. If you love someone you don't want to see their health decline, especially when the cause is totally preventable.
  • kristen8000
    kristen8000 Posts: 747 Member
    When I meet my current BF of 5 years (we've decided to not get married but are very committed, still trying to figure out something more adult to call him ... he he). I was about 5lbs heavier than I am now. I had just started a new job (at his company) and had went from 193-165 in about a year. We were instant friends...but I continued to lose weight until I was 142. This was around the time we started dating - about 6 months after we met.

    Now, to put this into perspective, I'm 5'11. So 142 is pretty low. And he thought I was good looking since we met when I was 165 (I thought I was huge, but that's another story). I do remember a time when he approached me, concerned, that I had lost too much. And honestly I got that low just because I could. I realised I was really good at losing weight. So, when he said something I was pretty put off for a couple days, but realized after talking with my Mom (who's always been candid on her thoughts but usually lets me do whatever) that he was right and I needed to gain some back. Not all, just get up to 150 (which is still my "sweet" spot).

    Now after 5 years, I have a hard enough time keeping at 150 than trying for 142. So, for me, I'm glad he said something. And honestly I wouldn't have stayed there much longer with our lifestyle.
  • STLBADGIRL
    STLBADGIRL Posts: 1,693 Member
    Since this post I've witnessed on a couple occasions that 'some' people want you to look aesthetically good, regardless to what your diet and fitness lifestyle habits are. For instance, I have two male cousins that will not date/marry a woman that is considered fat or overweight... Almost like they are attracted to the trophy type female or arm candy - and can care less if she is active in the gym or other physical activities or what most would consider healthy. Just as long as she has 'that look'.

    I think some claim to put more of this issue on health (because that's a good reason to want one to lose weight, vs saying I am unattracted to you because of your weight.), but ultimately, for some, it's the looks and the attraction that out rank the 'health' part of why one would want their partner to lose weight and/or be in a healthy attractive BMI/weight range.

    So in theory, if they are in a weight range that is pleasing to the eye, who cares if they eat healthy, work out or have healthy habits- just as long as they 'look good'.
  • perkymommy
    perkymommy Posts: 1,640 Member
    edited August 2017
    They can have a problem with their significant other if they want but should respect them at the same time. If a person stopped loving their significant other just because of their weight gain or loss then that's pretty sad. They didn't love them to begin with if they don't love them regardless of how they look.

    My husband will tell me the truth when I ask him things regarding my weight or appearance and he will be straight up with me regarding losing weight. He always has been. I like an honest person. If he were mean towards me or forced me to lose weight that wouldn't be right but he's just honest with me and I'd want it no other way.
  • STLBADGIRL
    STLBADGIRL Posts: 1,693 Member
    I think that when you love someone, part of that love is pushing each other to be the best versions of yourself. My husband and I have been together at just about every range of weight. We have been in great shape together, average, and now we are at our highest weights.

    When we discuss losing weight and getting healthy it has nothing to do with attraction, because we have never been able to keep our hands off each other. I think he is just about the hottest thing I have ever seen. I think that now, just like I thought that when he was at his most fit...and he thinks the same of me. Honestly we are going to be hot for each other through thick and thin (literally lol). When we talk about getting fit together and eating healthy, the only thing that we are talking about is being there for our future family, and putting out best foot forward in the future. We want to be better for each other, and we want to be around for as long as possible.

    I think you need to be a partner to the person you love in every aspect of your life. You need to encourage each other to be the best you can be...but I don't think you should ever do that by making your S.O. feel self conscious or guilty for their appearance. Don't single them out, be a team and be better together, mentally and physically.

    This is great that you two push each other to greatness!
  • STLBADGIRL
    STLBADGIRL Posts: 1,693 Member
    For the people that said they would leave their spouse or S.O. because they gained weight, would it be okay for them to get weight loss surgery if they couldn't get it off naturally?
  • GailK1967
    GailK1967 Posts: 58 Member
    I would hope the couple discuss things that would be a breaking point long before committing. If one partner really dislikes super skinny or super fat people as their partner thus should be discussed Ling before they move in together so both know where they stand.

    However both need to keep in mind that we all grow old, gain some weight, respond to gravity, go fey, lose our hair and sprout it in other areas, get wrinkles and facial droops and gritty teeth... So in the long run a bit of extra weight is nothing.

    For me the deal breaker was my (now ex) husband becoming depressed and completely neglecting his personal hygiene. I am super sensitive to smells and sweaty, unwashed for a week body plus teeth stinking of rotten meat, greasy lanky hair, refusal to change clothes for over a week and stinking of nicotine was absolutely unbearable. I had to speak up. If he had felt as strongly about weight gain, I'd have been fine with him speaking up.
  • Lyric_Momma
    Lyric_Momma Posts: 44 Member
    edited August 2017
    No. If my husband had his way, I would be fat forever. Screw that! He's of healthy weight, but reminds me he likes me big. He used to find thin girls attractive, now he says they are just skin and bones. At first I thought it was to make me feel better about pregnancy gain/happy weight. He likes to sneak extra fat in my food while cooking etc. He likes me fat, we are not on the same page. My current goal weight (might change as I'm closer) will be in the over weight range for bmi. Under 200 I haven't seen in years and is my current goal. Who knows... in the end I might drop an easy 150 on top of my 100 goal as well. It's about how we feel about our bodies, not them!
  • STLBADGIRL
    STLBADGIRL Posts: 1,693 Member
    No. If my husband had his way, I would be fat forever. Screw that! He's of healthy weight, but reminds me he likes me big. He used to find thin girls attractive, now he says they are just skin and bones. At first I thought it was to make me feel better about pregnancy gain/happy weight. He likes to sneak extra fat in my food while cooking etc. He likes me fat, we are not on the same page. My current goal weight (might change as I'm closer) will be in the over weight range for bmi. Under 200 I haven't seen in years and is my current goal. Who knows... in the end I might drop an easy 150 on top of my 100 goal as well. It's about how we feel about our bodies, not them!

    This is a tough spot to be in. I have a friend that is going through a similar situation. Her husband brings home all the foods that's a weakness for her and cooks and bring home food that will counter her diet. That's so NOT cool!

    It's one thing to want it, but to clearly try and sabotage your goals IS NOT COOL!
  • sgt1372
    sgt1372 Posts: 3,970 Member
    My GF of 10 yrs, who is overweight but not obese, thinks that I'm now "too skinny" after having lost 38# over the past year but this opinion has had no effect on our relationship.

    She still loves me and I still love her, because our weight and physical appearance do not define our relationship and do not alter our values or personalities.

    BTW, we are both over 65, which is generally an age where you learn to accept life as it is, rather than try to change it, when the remainder of life is way too short to sweat the small stuff.
  • STLBADGIRL
    STLBADGIRL Posts: 1,693 Member
    sgt1372 wrote: »
    My GF of 10 yrs, who is overweight but not obese, thinks that I'm now "too skinny" after having lost 38# over the past year but this opinion has had no effect on our relationship.

    She still loves me and I still love her, because our weight and physical appearance do not define our relationship and do not alter our values or personalities.

    BTW, we are both over 65, which is generally an age where you learn to accept life as it is, rather than try to change it, when the remainder of life is way too short to sweat the small stuff.

    A wise person told me this too and this was some great advice that I applied to my life. I used to spend a lot of time angry... and a lot of times it was things I couldn't control.

    @sgt1372 But for the sake of this thread, would it have been different in your younger years.
  • I think if it's a health issue (overweight or obese/underweight or potential eating disorders) then a partner or spouse is right to tactfully broach the subject.

    Otherwise I think they need to keep their trap shut, particularly if they're not in perfect shape themselves.

    ^^^This.

    Bring to the table what you want out of the relationship or remain single or learn to deal.
  • tgcakef
    tgcakef Posts: 111 Member
    I don't think any subject should be taboo in a healthy relationship. However, how it's brought up, and the attitude towards it are important.

    All partners have to be willing to listen, and all partners need to be sensitive in how they bring it up. "You're fat, do something about it" vs "Hey, you seem to have put on some weight." They also need to take into account how the person feels about it. "Are you unhappy with the extra weight?" vs "I don't like it, lose weight". If the person gaining weight is fine with it, the subject needs to be dropped. If it's about aesthetics, they need to get over themselves, and realise that a person is more than their looks.

    That said, I think that if it's about health, it's something that shouldn't just be brushed off. It should still be tactful, of course. My health is paramount to my relationship. My partner doesn't want to see me die young. He wants me around forever, he wants us to be able to do things together, and one of the ways to live as long as I can is to be healthier. Health affects everyone in the relationship.
    I think that when you love someone, part of that love is pushing each other to be the best versions of yourself.

    I think you need to be a partner to the person you love in every aspect of your life. You need to encourage each other to be the best you can be...but I don't think you should ever do that by making your S.O. feel self conscious or guilty for their appearance. Don't single them out, be a team and be better together, mentally and physically.

    This is very true. My partner never makes me feel guilty but he does everything he can to help me better myself. Being a team is so important.
  • Moxie42
    Moxie42 Posts: 1,410 Member
    I think it's understandable to bring it up if it's regarding a health concern. I don't care that my husband looks overweight, but if it gets to a point where I'm concerned about his health, I would say something because then it affects both of us and our life together. I don't want to be a widow at a young age, and if we had kids, I wouldn't want them to grow up without a father. Likewise, it's easy for me to be in denial about my own weight and health, so I would appreciate it if someone like my husband, in a kind and supportive way, brought it up out of concern for my health.

    My husband and I have gained weight, and lost weight, together. I gotta say- life was better when we had lost weight. We love hiking and doing outdoorsy things, and it was difficult and unenjoyable when we were at our heaviest and unhealthiest. We ended up spending a lot of time just watching TV- neither of us were happy with our individual lives so our life together was suffering too. If we hadn't eventually been open and honest with each other about our concerns, I don't think anything would have changed.
  • ghudson92
    ghudson92 Posts: 2,061 Member
    Hmm this is a tricky one. A few Christmases ago my SO said I had gained a little "festive weight" after I asked if I looked a bit heavier. I was mad at him for like 3 days. Then I realised he didn't mean it to be nasty, he still felt I was beautiful and attractive (his words) he was just concerned I was undoing my hard work I'd been putting in and he always has to listen to me *kitten* about how I look and that I don't fit in my clothes which is boooooring to hear every day. So he was just being helpful imo and I'm glad he said something, recently he asked me if he had gained weight and I had to be truthful (not that it bothers me he still looks great to me). So now him and his work buddy are watching what they eat and have both lost up to 4lbs. I don't think it's a bad thing.
  • STLBADGIRL
    STLBADGIRL Posts: 1,693 Member
    Eat2Brute wrote: »
    If you and your S.O. are so fragile that you can't discuss this, you might need to focus on strengthening your relationship before talking about physical attraction.

    I totally agree. But sometimes it's not the strength of the relationship, it's the strength of the individual that has weight issues.
  • SiegfriedXXL
    SiegfriedXXL Posts: 219 Member
    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    Eat2Brute wrote: »
    If you and your S.O. are so fragile that you can't discuss this, you might need to focus on strengthening your relationship before talking about physical attraction.

    I totally agree. But sometimes it's not the strength of the relationship, it's the strength of the individual that has weight issues.

    Yup. It's never an easy thing to hear but, if it's true, and coming from someone you love, it might be in your best interest to heed those words.