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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
Replies
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My boyfriend is 148 and I am 224 about the same height he's 5'7" I'm 5'6" He's never said anything about my weight but encourages me when I mention getting healthier and tracking food in order to do so. I did not tell him that I was counting calories.
We are polyamorous (I am not my boyfriend's only partner he has another girlfriend and their relationship is more sex-based than ours is) so I know he likes women who are skinnier than I am, and he has made comments about another woman's weight in front of me but never mine and never his other partner's.3 -
My husband tells me all sweet a couple of times a week that is have lost enough and it’s time to stop. I swear he is a goofball because at my highest I was 168 and I’m 156 now so it’s not like I lost a lot. I sweetly tell him back that 150 is my goal and then I’ll be done. He likes thick. I understand that and enjoy that it means I won’t have to get Tiny to make him like looking at me. But I’m also not gonna be uncomfortable in my own skin. We will have to find that line we are both happy with and walk it.1
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Alatariel75 wrote: »My husband doesn't care about my size. I kind of wish he did, because I'm actually getting resentful that he keeps telling me I'm hot when I feel revolting from regaining so much weight.
@Alatariel75 Maybe you are hot in his eyes. He might have a different definition for HOT. LOL, I tell my daughter she looks sexy when I spot her studying or doing housework (It kinda pisses her off as well). But my point, hot or sexy goes beyond physical attributes sometimes.4 -
It's a tough subject. When I was married my wife went from 155 to 185 and I loved it. But it's because she's curvy, she has hips and a big booty. I thought she was sexier at her heavy weight. But when she wanted to lose it that's fine too.
But I've dated women who went from curvy to round (just fat) and although we were still great friends I wasn't romantically attracted anymore nor sexually attracted either. You cannot force yourself to feel things you don't.
With that said, when I lose my abs I feel very unattractive and I get back in shape. I feel like it would be super disrespectful to go from in-shape to "soft" while in a relationship and then keep going right to huge belly-fat guy.
If I just stopped working out and was just sitting around eating crap in front of my partner it would be embarrassing. If I'm going to expect someone to be faithful, expect them to be a caring, sharing partner who gives their time and energy to me and then I'm going to give zero fu@$s about their sexual attractions and weather they want to be with a fat guy or not, then that is being disrespectful and taking advantage of the good things in my life.
That is the exact opposite of how I want to treat other people. When my need for french fries and soda exceeds my desire to be a good partner then I am a lazy unappreciative person. I'm breaking up with you at that point because there is someone better for you. Why would I purposely die young for food pleasure and hurt someone I care about?6 -
joelrivard wrote: »It's a tough subject. When I was married my wife went from 155 to 185 and I loved it. But it's because she's curvy, she has hips and a big booty. I thought she was sexier at her heavy weight. But when she wanted to lose it that's fine too.
But I've dated women who went from curvy to round (just fat) and although we were still great friends I wasn't romantically attracted anymore nor sexually attracted either. You cannot force yourself to feel things you don't.
With that said, when I lose my abs I feel very unattractive and I get back in shape. I feel like it would be super disrespectful to go from in-shape to "soft" while in a relationship and then keep going right to huge belly-fat guy.
If I just stopped working out and was just sitting around eating crap in front of my partner it would be embarrassing. If I'm going to expect someone to be faithful, expect them to be a caring, sharing partner who gives their time and energy to me and then I'm going to give zero fu@$s about their sexual attractions and weather they want to be with a fat guy or not, then that is being disrespectful and taking advantage of the good things in my life.
That is the exact opposite of how I want to treat other people. When my need for french fries and soda exceeds my desire to be a good partner then I am a lazy unappreciative person. I'm breaking up with you at that point because there is someone better for you. Why would I purposely die young for food pleasure and hurt someone I care about?
@joelrivard Hmmm, this is an interesting point you make and very insightful, nonetheless. It's also interesting to see how some believe weight is a personal issue, while other's believe it has something to do with respect for their partner. Very interesting.0 -
in a decent, polite way, yes.
My ex would just blantly tell me I'm getting fat and force me to do excercise.
that's why he's the ex.
Well, there are times when i would have appreciated the bluntness from my ex and i would like someone who got me moving especially if he did it with me! My ex never said anything to me until I was extremely large and had over 100 lbs to lose. It would have been easier if he had shared his distaste for my weight sooner because I care enough about him to be a more pleasing weight and I could have done something before it was a huge mountain to climb! I honestly didn't think he cared.0 -
My mom's entire side of the family has a huge history of diabetes, heart attack, and stroke. Some of it, I acknowledge, is genetic predisposition - I have to work REALLY HARD to keep the weight off while my husband can skip one meal and lose 5 pounds, I swear - but most of it is self-imposed. I've seen the fallout of their health issues- divorce, substance abuse, bankruptcy, torched relationships. I DO NOT want to be the burden to my beloved husband and/or children that my mom became to me. I will do everything in my power to prevent that for as long as I can.
That's why I want to lose weight. I have become a burden and I don't like that. It is wrong and disgusting. I was on meds that helped me along in the weight gain though and I couldn't get a handle on the weight loss while on it. Now I'm off and lost 34 lbs so far with a long way to go.3 -
Iwantahealthierme30 wrote: »My boyfriend is 148 and I am 224 about the same height he's 5'7" I'm 5'6" He's never said anything about my weight but encourages me when I mention getting healthier and tracking food in order to do so. I did not tell him that I was counting calories.
We are polyamorous (I am not my boyfriend's only partner he has another girlfriend and their relationship is more sex-based than ours is) so I know he likes women who are skinnier than I am, and he has made comments about another woman's weight in front of me but never mine and never his other partner's.
I have so many questions now3 -
Sex is a huge part of a healthy relationship and attraction is a big part of sex. If you're gaining so much weight that your partner isn't physically attracted to you you can't really hold that against them. People are biologically inclined to be attracted to physical characteristics that read healthy. If a partner is respectful in the way the present their feelings and opinions and is committed to helping you be more healthy, then I think it's acceptable. But if they are mean or degrading or just leave you based on this then it's a problem. I'm a little over weight and I honestly wish my boyfriend was more interested in me losing weight. He actually seems happy with my little extra but I want it gone. He tells me I'm perfect the way that I am.8
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Basically, no.5
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GemstoneofHeart wrote: »Iwantahealthierme30 wrote: »My boyfriend is 148 and I am 224 about the same height he's 5'7" I'm 5'6" He's never said anything about my weight but encourages me when I mention getting healthier and tracking food in order to do so. I did not tell him that I was counting calories.
We are polyamorous (I am not my boyfriend's only partner he has another girlfriend and their relationship is more sex-based than ours is) so I know he likes women who are skinnier than I am, and he has made comments about another woman's weight in front of me but never mine and never his other partner's.
I have so many questions now
Me as well.1 -
I don't know since I'm single all the time. But I do know that it's good to please your partner but I don't think you should go to unhealthy lengths to please them like starving yourself and getting surgeries and procedures.1
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JeepHair77 wrote: »Physical attraction and a healthy sex life is important, I agree, but this goes back to something I said earlier about reasonable expectations. Because we WILL change as we get older. So if you're the sort of person who would be completely turned off when your partner gains 20 pounds, are you ALSO the sort of person who will be completely turned off when he/she goes gray? Bald? Wrinkly?
This is maybe a silly and personal thing for ME, but I worry, a lot, that my husband was TOO into my looks when we met and fell in love. It set the expectations too high. I was at my absolute best, then, and I think I'm at my best again, now, but I can't maintain that level of attractiveness forever. Is he going to sit me down at some point and say, "honey, I love you no matter what and all, but our sex life is suffering because you're not that attractive to me anymore, and maybe, for the sake of our marriage, we would be a happier couple if you got regular botox injections and dyed your hair." And would it be acceptable for him to do that? Can I sit him down in a few years and ask him to get hair plugs if he starts to bald?
This is where I'm having a disconnect. There seems to be an attitude in this thread that if your partner fails to maintain an appropriate level of attractiveness, well, that's probably the end of your relationship, and I can't quite get around that, all by itself. I think sexual attraction is important, but in a loving relationship, that attraction goes further than what you see in the mirror. Doesn't it? Shouldn't it?
It should IMO.
If My Guy got his wiener whacked off in a freak accident, or lost a limb, or whatever, he’d still be My Guy. Because he’s *kitten* awesome. Maybe he wouldn’t feel the same, but I wouldn’t take that to the bank.
We also sit together and laugh at each other’s chub. We were both lean when we met, and we’ve both packed on forty.
We’ve also gained quite a bit of trust, security and loyalty. I’ll take that over a hot body, hands down, any time of the day.
He’s My Guy. It’s called Loyalty.
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My wife and I have both been overweight for a good part of our 20+ years together. I've never said anything to her about it because I don't think it's appropriate.
I lost 55 pounds a couple of years ago and have managed to keep it off for a couple of years now (although I do cycle +/- 5 or so pounds). One day my wife said she was trying to figure out why she was drooling over some pictures of guys one day (ok in our relationship) and she said she realized she liked Dad bods. You won't see me on any magazine covers, but I definitely don't have a Dad bod.5 -
Dad bod??? I think I just threw up in my mouth a bit
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Ok...so first off I've read every...yes EVERY comment of this thread and it's been a great read...the good, the bad, and even the ugly
Now to actually answer OPs question... I was an over weight child and an anorexic teenager/YA. I met my husband at 15 and we've been married for 10yrs as of 01/03/18... he married me at my thinnest and I married him at his highest. I gained weight off and on with my pregnancies, but I can say that I would need him to comment on my weight...simply because once I start losing I have trouble stopping. So having this discussion is important for me, because the way I see myself in the mirror is not the way I look in real life (so I've been told)...as far as my hubby goes, I'm lucky that weight on him doesn't affect my attraction for him...I like guys bigger than me. His high cholesterol bothers me so now I cook with that in mind to help him live longer...I'm just trying to do my part. I will say that I do actively work out to make myself "sexy" for him...not that he has stipulated I need too...just that I like to "keep myself up for him", same way I fix my hair and put on my make up everyday to go out in public.7 -
As a wife...and I'm not a young one either, it is my obligation to be healthy for the sake of my husband and my children, just as it is his as the husband. Healthy is mental and physical. Expecting and accepting conversation from the SO/Spouse on the topic of weight should be good and OK as part of a healthy relationship. If you cant talk about the deepest of sensitive issues...especially one that affects not only health but mutual long term attraction to your partner, than something is failing anyway. A solid relationship is built on knowing your partner has your best interest as a top priority...and you of them. I also agree with SPIFFYCHICKS85 and others who discussed staying physically attractive to their partner.
There is nothing about a relationship that says, at any point, the partner "has to just accept me as I am". Fact is...no they don't. If you have grown apart in what attracts you to each other...then each has a right to purse what makes them happy, mentally and physically. If you love them...you should want them happy, right?...or is all about me and they just have to buck up? Real relationships take two people with similar goals and mutual respect.
Sure...things evolve...bodies mature and age, but are you working to stay mutually attractive....mentally and physically. Isn't that why you came together in the first place? Why wouldn't you want to do that for the person you love?? Why wouldn't they want you, to do that for yourself? If they love you, why wouldn't they want to promote your long life-a long life together?
Many, many years ago, when I was a young bride an older woman gave me a wonderful peace of advice about marriage-which I took to heart. She said "if you always make an effort to be your husbands 'other woman', you will never have to worry about him straying from the marriage. Never become the least interesting woman in his life". She meant that physically as well as mentally and intellectually.20 -
lisawolfinger wrote: »As a wife...and I'm not a young one either, it is my obligation to be healthy for the sake of my husband and my children, just as it is his as the husband. Healthy is mental and physical. Expecting and accepting conversation from the SO/Spouse on the topic of weight should be good and OK as part of a healthy relationship. If you cant talk about the deepest of sensitive issues...especially one that affects not only health but mutual long term attraction to your partner, than something is failing anyway. A solid relationship is built on knowing your partner has your best interest as a top priority...and you of them. I also agree with SPIFFYCHICKS85 and others who discussed staying physically attractive to their partner.
There is nothing about a relationship that says, at any point, the partner "has to just accept me as I am". Fact is...no they don't. If you have grown apart in what attracts you to each other...then each has a right to purse what makes them happy, mentally and physically. If you love them...you should want them happy, right?...or is all about me and they just have to buck up? Real relationships take two people with similar goals and mutual respect.
Sure...things evolve...bodies mature and age, but are you working to stay mutually attractive....mentally and physically. Isn't that why you came together in the first place? Why wouldn't you want to do that for the person you love?? Why wouldn't they want you, to do that for yourself? If they love you, why wouldn't they want to promote your long life-a long life together?
Many, many years ago, when I was a young bride an older woman gave me a wonderful peace of advice about marriage-which I took to heart. She said "if you always make an effort to be your husbands 'other woman', you will never have to worry about him straying from the marriage. Never become the least interesting woman in his life". She meant that physically as well as mentally and intellectually.
Very well stated.
A point that drove this to heart was prioritization and time management. There are 168 hours in a week. How much time do you spend with your significant other? How much time do you spend investing in yourself, your marriage, your relationships, your kids.
Chart this out on pen and paper. Very humbling exercise.5 -
lisawolfinger wrote: »As a wife...and I'm not a young one either, it is my obligation to be healthy for the sake of my husband and my children, just as it is his as the husband. Healthy is mental and physical. Expecting and accepting conversation from the SO/Spouse on the topic of weight should be good and OK as part of a healthy relationship. If you cant talk about the deepest of sensitive issues...especially one that affects not only health but mutual long term attraction to your partner, than something is failing anyway. A solid relationship is built on knowing your partner has your best interest as a top priority...and you of them. I also agree with SPIFFYCHICKS85 and others who discussed staying physically attractive to their partner.
There is nothing about a relationship that says, at any point, the partner "has to just accept me as I am". Fact is...no they don't. If you have grown apart in what attracts you to each other...then each has a right to purse what makes them happy, mentally and physically. If you love them...you should want them happy, right?...or is all about me and they just have to buck up? Real relationships take two people with similar goals and mutual respect.
Sure...things evolve...bodies mature and age, but are you working to stay mutually attractive....mentally and physically. Isn't that why you came together in the first place? Why wouldn't you want to do that for the person you love?? Why wouldn't they want you, to do that for yourself? If they love you, why wouldn't they want to promote your long life-a long life together?
Many, many years ago, when I was a young bride an older woman gave me a wonderful peace of advice about marriage-which I took to heart. She said "if you always make an effort to be your husbands 'other woman', you will never have to worry about him straying from the marriage. Never become the least interesting woman in his life". She meant that physically as well as mentally and intellectually.
Very well stated.
A point that drove this to heart was prioritization and time management. There are 168 hours in a week. How much time do you spend with your significant other? How much time do you spend investing in yourself, your marriage, your relationships, your kids.
Chart this out on pen and paper. Very humbling exercise.
I have found that no matter what people *say* their priorities are, a better guide is seeing what they spend their time on. There are exceptions I'm sure, but generally we make time for the things that are our priorities. We probably all know people with lots of obligations who make time for fitness and people with fewer obligations and claim they don't have time.
Charting it out can help you see if what you say you value matches what you spend your time on and you can figure out what might need to change.5 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »leanjogreen18 wrote: »Just for the record for 30+ years I have from time to time asked does this make me look fat or my butt look too big. He always answers with "his" truth. Sometimes it was a yes and others it was a no. I appreciated him being honest.
BUT if it was an outfit I really really liked I would not ask incase the answer was yes lol.
I remember my cousin took an ID picture. Her face covered the whole square of the picture. She did look like she gained a lot of weight. She said to her husband....."Gosh, do I really look this fat in this picture?" In the nicest sweetest tone he said "yes". No more, no less. She ran off crying, called all of her friends saying that he called her fat and other men in the streets think she is attractive and her husband, the one she loves thinks she is fat....I mean it went on and on and on. She even took it to social media and made it sound so horrible that everyone told her to leave her husband, etc. And her husband was one of the best things that happened to her. If I wasn't there I would have believed her, that's how convincing she was. i witnessed this....He only said, "Yes" to a question she asked him. Furthermore....she thought she looked fat herself. Why can she think she looks fat, but he can't be honest WHEN HE IS ASKED?
Did you talk to her about it?! What ended up happening?? I was mad on his behalf reading your story. Lol!
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It's important to not that people struggling with there weight already know they have a problem why be hurtful by starting the conversation? They also understand the health risk (who doesn't). I have experienced people not that close to me stating I should lose some weight. My answer is I know I am over weight, I would like to lose 30 lbs and when I do you know what happens? Answer, your mouth will still be the same size.
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My wife and I have both been thin at times (in our 20s and currently in our mid 50s for nearly five years. Also in our late 30s). We've also both been obese before. Most of what we've said has all been out of concern for each other's health. I will say, when one person takes health/weight more serious and does something about it, it's so much easier for the other one to do the same. I've also been too thin. When I lost my weight (and went from 245 to 170), my wife didn't like my new physique. Perhaps it's because she lost her weight slower or perhaps my weightlifting hadn't added back in muscle (yet) to replace the fat. Either way, I did listen to her because I respect and love her and added in around 15 lbs of muscle over 4 or 5 years.
She's gained a bit of weight back with some recent health issues but she tries and does what she can. Any spouse that would criticize that is not worth sticking with. Everyone has more challenges at times.4 -
MikePfirrman wrote: »My wife and I have both been thin at times (in our 20s and currently in our mid 50s for nearly five years. Also in our late 30s). We've also both been obese before. Most of what we've said has all been out of concern for each other's health. I will say, when one person takes health/weight more serious and does something about it, it's so much easier for the other one to do the same. I've also been too thin. When I lost my weight (and went from 245 to 170), my wife didn't like my new physique. Perhaps it's because she lost her weight slower or perhaps my weightlifting hadn't added back in muscle (yet) to replace the fat. Either way, I did listen to her because I respect and love her and added in around 15 lbs of muscle over 4 or 5 years.
She's gained a bit of weight back with some recent health issues but she tries and does what she can. Any spouse that would criticize that is not worth sticking with. Everyone has more challenges at times.
I don't know why I especially like this...I think its because it is coming from a man's perspective. I tend to believe that women are more accommodating to men than men are to women. So it's kind of refreshing hearing you men sticking around when your mates/spouse weight goes up and down!!!4 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »MikePfirrman wrote: »My wife and I have both been thin at times (in our 20s and currently in our mid 50s for nearly five years. Also in our late 30s). We've also both been obese before. Most of what we've said has all been out of concern for each other's health. I will say, when one person takes health/weight more serious and does something about it, it's so much easier for the other one to do the same. I've also been too thin. When I lost my weight (and went from 245 to 170), my wife didn't like my new physique. Perhaps it's because she lost her weight slower or perhaps my weightlifting hadn't added back in muscle (yet) to replace the fat. Either way, I did listen to her because I respect and love her and added in around 15 lbs of muscle over 4 or 5 years.
She's gained a bit of weight back with some recent health issues but she tries and does what she can. Any spouse that would criticize that is not worth sticking with. Everyone has more challenges at times.
I don't know why I especially like this...I think its because it is coming from a man's perspective. I tend to believe that women are more accommodating to men than men are to women. So it's kind of refreshing hearing you men sticking around when your mates/spouse weight goes up and down!!!
Thanks Badgirl but there's a lot of men out there like me. 27 years together this year and she's still makes my stomach flutter every time I kiss her, heavy or not! This sounds odd on a CICO site, but I strongly feel women have a harder time with CICO then men because of hormones. I'm not a doc and I don't know why but I do think that all the chemicals/additives in food (and the environment) affect women way more than men. When my wife gave up dairy and gluten (which eliminates most processed food/fast food), she quickly dropped 25 lbs during a really hard menopausal phase. This was all due to her Holistic doc recommending she change her diet for Fibromyalgia, from which she's now in remission!
Looking back, she had really rough postpartum depression, really rough menopause, endometriosis and other health issues. I truly feel if we had both been dairy/gluten free years ago (I eat like her for support), she'd not have had to go through all that. Of course I can't prove that. Research is catching up to what's worked for her, but I know eliminating a lot of processed foods turned around her health and her hormones. I simply wish she hadn't had to go through all that in retrospect.
My point is, weight loss was fairly easy for me. It was harder for her even with CICO. I work from home, I do the cooking and know what she eats. It wasn't much. It's not that I monitored it, she did and was so frustrated over it for around a year. She didn't lose the weight until she changed what she ate (and we just replaced the gluten and dairy with gluten free/dairy free alternatives, still the same calories). I think a lot of men just assume that women eat too much. I don't think that men's hormones affect them as bad and that's why they assume that women just don't take diet seriously. I think it's that women can't get away eating what men eat.
Now this is just my opinion but perhaps that shapes my viewpoint.
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No! if he or she has a perfect body and health, Maybe....... I find it funny at my age now when I see guys from school etc that always bullied the heavy girls, now in their 50's etc they are fat and bald, and most divorced.... so love the person 1st, show respect always ... then you can approach the issue without hurting anyone.3
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I think it really depends on the situation, the way of voicing one's opinion and also on the amount of weight.
My first boyfriend met me when I had just lost a lot of weight and we both gained and lost weight in our relationship. We were honest with each other that we were more attracted to each other at lower weights but that we loved each other regardless of weight.
Another boyfriend didn't offer his opinions but kept paying compliments to other women who were much slimmer than me and - frankly - ogling them. It made me terribly insecure and I did lose weight but couldn't keep it off.
My fiancé met me when I wasn't as heavy as I am now but I was quite overweight. He didn't mind and he doesn't mind now. But he DOES mind that I am unhappy and feel unattractive even if he disagrees. He has also gained weight because we both love chips and burgers etc. So now we're losing weight together so we look great at our wedding and also so we both feel more confident and healthy. We've spoken honestly about this and I think that's important. If he straight out told me to lose weight or else he wouldn't marry me, I'd leave.6 -
No! if he or she has a perfect body and health, Maybe....... I find it funny at my age now when I see guys from school etc that always bullied the heavy girls, now in their 50's etc they are fat and bald, and most divorced.... so love the person 1st, show respect always ... then you can approach the issue without hurting anyone.
I have a couple of friends that said that they would never gain weight (and was real snarky with it) and often joked and made fun of over weight people when we were in our early 20's... Now they are older and round and having challenges with losing weight as well.1 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »No! if he or she has a perfect body and health, Maybe....... I find it funny at my age now when I see guys from school etc that always bullied the heavy girls, now in their 50's etc they are fat and bald, and most divorced.... so love the person 1st, show respect always ... then you can approach the issue without hurting anyone.
I have a couple of friends that said that they would never gain weight (and was real snarky with it) and often joked and made fun of over weight people when we were in our early 20's... Now they are older and round and having challenges with losing weight as well.
This highlights the need for CICO awareness and the absolute necessity of budgeting simply for awareness. It is normal for activity to decline with age. If you do not adjust your calories appropriately gaining weight is inevitable.2
This discussion has been closed.
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