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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?

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Replies

  • 4legsRbetterthan2
    4legsRbetterthan2 Posts: 19,590 MFP Moderator
    Dear Posters,

    I want to remind everyone to make sure your posts follow the MFP guidelines, particularly:
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    This has been a very long and successful (thus far) debate about a topic which has the potential to hit home and cause an emotional response. If you find you are getting upset please take a step back and find another thread to participate in.

    Thanks for your cooperation,
    4legs
    MFP moderator

    just want to post this one more time for good measure

    4legs
    MFP moderator
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    mikeb4bjj wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    mikeb4bjj wrote: »
    Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.

    Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.

    um- no- I don't owe it to anyone to "remain" attractive.

    What in the 7th hells is this? no. just. no- no one owes anyone the curtesy of "being pretty" for them. GTFO with that nonsense.

    It's not a courtesy, dearest. It's not a matter of being polite, it's a matter of loving your partner enough to remain someone they want to have sex with and not turn into a sack of *kitten*.

    But by all means, let yourself go. I'm sure it'll feel empowering.

    tenor.gif?itemid=5110811



    I told my husband up front if he got fat we had to have conversations- I would expect the same of him to me. And my husband and are not in "the same league" as it were. he doesn't work out-he doesn't eat well. but he remains as he was when I met him almost a decade ago. I wish to death he'd change his life- but I can't fix that. he doesn't owe me anything except honest and faithfulness. We work through everything else and if we can't come to terms and work it out- then we walk. I'm a big believer in work- but I'm also a realist- people change- and that doesn't make the relationship a failure. If I were to stop working out and "let myself go" I would be in the grips of depression and anxiety and dealing with anger management- I would probably have to be in therapy regularly and probably on drugs to help.

    So "letting myself go" isn't about him not being able to pop a boner- but more about him dealing with someone he cares about struggling with mental illness.

    So no- it's not about "just staying pretty".

    This, to me, is the critical factor in this discussion. What was the condition of that person when you first entered into the relationship? That is the baseline - the expectation moving forward is that the person won't regress (allowing for medical problems, reasonable aging factors, or having children) but also that the person may not improve, either. Regressing from that baseline is fair game for a tactful discussion.

    The same with other negative lifestyle habits/attributes like drinking heavily, bad hygiene, a poor work ethic, insensitivity, etc. It isn't acceptable to wake up one day and find that the person you married is suddenly not good enough anymore due to flaws that were preexisting and known to you.

    I doubt this is the expectation in a lot of relationships. I certainly never thought that my husband would still look like he did in his 20's when we married now that we are aging grandparents. And he doesn't. And if he thought I would still look the same at 55 as I did back then, well, that's too bad for him. Kids, aging, life takes it's toll on a body.

    Neither of us woke up one day to find that we were older and looked it. Those things happened slowly over years of waking up together.

    Agreed, that is why I qualified my statement above (see bolded text)

    Ah, I missed that. I'm curious though, do you think this applies in reverse. Like if someone marries a chubby person should they be upset if later in the marriage that person chooses to lose weight?

    I think that any sort of self-improvement that your spouse experiences should generally be accepted (although some "improvements" like plastic surgery, tattoos, piercings, etc., may not be considered an improvement).
    Overcoming a vice should be met with a positive response, although a couple that regularly enjoyed drinking/ gambling/eating to excess together may find that the absence of their common vice in one partner leaves them with less in common and may, therefore, create a division.

    I would think the same could be true of diet changes and especially fitness. I think if either my husband or I decided to start spending time going to a gym it would not be met with much approval from the other.

    wait- are you saying if you started to go to the gym your spouse would throw up resistance or disapproval?

    That's so bizarre. I tell my husband my goals- and we make a plan- that keeps us on a financially clear path- and then I attack said goal with said plan. My dance training has gone from "at home best I can" to full blown travelling the country for intensives once or twice a year basis. We discuss- come up with a plan and I do it.

    I can't imagine a partner who didn't support my growth and desire to improve myself. That's.... flabbergasting.

    I am. Our situations are different. We both have full time jobs and a farm to care for. The nearest gym is about a 40 min drive. So joining a gym would mean a complete change of lifestyle. I think either of us would resist that change. It would also take a pretty big change in mindset for either of us which would also be concerning.

    situations are almost always different- and that's rarely the point.

    the bolded part is what I was directly reacting to.

    We both work full time jobs.- plus we both have second jobs (I'm down from 5 to 3). And his commute is literally a part time second job since it's almost 4 hrs every day.

    the point wasn't how busy you are and the point was- about having a conversation- and making plans and goals.

    I grew up on a farm- acres with 15 horses- 30 miles from anywhere.
    My father went out of his way to get BACK in the military- and then proceeded to volunteer for every deployment that came up. Because it's what he loved- and what he wanted to do. I know what it's like to run a farm and have jobs- and have someone make a change.

    And if that's what they want- then you have the conversation and figure out how to do it.

    Honestly, I don't understand why you got upset. That was not my intention. I was simply pointing out that for us it would mean a complete change of lifestyle for one of us to want to spend the kind of time it would take to go to the gym and that I think of either of us would be resistant to the idea. We've spent almost all of our married years building this place together.

    Out of curiosity, how would the conversation go if you approached him (or he approached you) about investing several thousand dollars in setting up a home gym that only one of you would use?

    I am alone in my fitness world, as my spouse largely ignores the fact that I'm doing it as much as possible. This makes it difficult, because my fitness efforts are framed as "me time" to the detriment of my "family time" -because of this, the 3-5 hours per week I spend working out is mostly in the dark hours in the morning or during lunch breaks, to ensure that it doesn't impede on my family life. I did a marathon a few years ago which required a lot more training time, and it was very stressful to carve out the extra time.

    Despite this, I allow myself at least 1 significant fitness expense per year (in 2016 it was a Garmin Fenix 3HR fitness tracker, last year it was a triathlon bike, this year it is going to be an indoor trainer for my bike) and just tell her she has to deal with it. I don't have expensive season tickets to sports, I don't golf, I don't play fantasy sports, I don't do happy hours at the bar with the boys, etc., fitness is my only "hobby", and as I am approaching my 50s, I think it is a very worthwhile expense...

    I think that's very reasonable. I couldn't imagine living with someone who thought taking care of my health on a regular basis was bad and "to the detriment of family time" You're family doesn't need you 24 hrs a fricking day. #opinions.

    I'm a admittedly salty I've officially lost a friend to a little girl who won't let him talk to other women. I tried to take a selfie with him yesterday- and he freaked the *kitten* out and was like DON"T I"LL GET IN TROUBLE.

    So I have very firm opinions on "space" in relationships. communication is key- but not suffocation.

    But- I'm bougie and I spend a lot on pants- like almost 1 a month- sometimes I can make it 2-3 months without buying new pants- but it's a bit of an obsession for me. its' honestly to much and I'm trying to be better- but if he pushes me to hard I lose my ish- like I'm not blowing it on hair and nails and parties out drinking. I use this stuff. And it makes me happy regularly. Sooooo win.

    I do try to keep my huge dance trips limited to one a year- I do smaller local events (driving distance- only 1-2 nights in a hotel)- but once a year- it's a multi day- as I progress upwards in levels- balancing the time/financial expensive of those trips will be a thing.
  • Bry_Fitness70
    Bry_Fitness70 Posts: 2,480 Member
    JoRocka wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    mikeb4bjj wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    mikeb4bjj wrote: »
    Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.

    Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.

    um- no- I don't owe it to anyone to "remain" attractive.

    What in the 7th hells is this? no. just. no- no one owes anyone the curtesy of "being pretty" for them. GTFO with that nonsense.

    It's not a courtesy, dearest. It's not a matter of being polite, it's a matter of loving your partner enough to remain someone they want to have sex with and not turn into a sack of *kitten*.

    But by all means, let yourself go. I'm sure it'll feel empowering.

    tenor.gif?itemid=5110811



    I told my husband up front if he got fat we had to have conversations- I would expect the same of him to me. And my husband and are not in "the same league" as it were. he doesn't work out-he doesn't eat well. but he remains as he was when I met him almost a decade ago. I wish to death he'd change his life- but I can't fix that. he doesn't owe me anything except honest and faithfulness. We work through everything else and if we can't come to terms and work it out- then we walk. I'm a big believer in work- but I'm also a realist- people change- and that doesn't make the relationship a failure. If I were to stop working out and "let myself go" I would be in the grips of depression and anxiety and dealing with anger management- I would probably have to be in therapy regularly and probably on drugs to help.

    So "letting myself go" isn't about him not being able to pop a boner- but more about him dealing with someone he cares about struggling with mental illness.

    So no- it's not about "just staying pretty".

    This, to me, is the critical factor in this discussion. What was the condition of that person when you first entered into the relationship? That is the baseline - the expectation moving forward is that the person won't regress (allowing for medical problems, reasonable aging factors, or having children) but also that the person may not improve, either. Regressing from that baseline is fair game for a tactful discussion.

    The same with other negative lifestyle habits/attributes like drinking heavily, bad hygiene, a poor work ethic, insensitivity, etc. It isn't acceptable to wake up one day and find that the person you married is suddenly not good enough anymore due to flaws that were preexisting and known to you.

    I doubt this is the expectation in a lot of relationships. I certainly never thought that my husband would still look like he did in his 20's when we married now that we are aging grandparents. And he doesn't. And if he thought I would still look the same at 55 as I did back then, well, that's too bad for him. Kids, aging, life takes it's toll on a body.

    Neither of us woke up one day to find that we were older and looked it. Those things happened slowly over years of waking up together.

    Agreed, that is why I qualified my statement above (see bolded text)

    Ah, I missed that. I'm curious though, do you think this applies in reverse. Like if someone marries a chubby person should they be upset if later in the marriage that person chooses to lose weight?

    I think that any sort of self-improvement that your spouse experiences should generally be accepted (although some "improvements" like plastic surgery, tattoos, piercings, etc., may not be considered an improvement).
    Overcoming a vice should be met with a positive response, although a couple that regularly enjoyed drinking/ gambling/eating to excess together may find that the absence of their common vice in one partner leaves them with less in common and may, therefore, create a division.

    I would think the same could be true of diet changes and especially fitness. I think if either my husband or I decided to start spending time going to a gym it would not be met with much approval from the other.

    wait- are you saying if you started to go to the gym your spouse would throw up resistance or disapproval?

    That's so bizarre. I tell my husband my goals- and we make a plan- that keeps us on a financially clear path- and then I attack said goal with said plan. My dance training has gone from "at home best I can" to full blown travelling the country for intensives once or twice a year basis. We discuss- come up with a plan and I do it.

    I can't imagine a partner who didn't support my growth and desire to improve myself. That's.... flabbergasting.

    I am. Our situations are different. We both have full time jobs and a farm to care for. The nearest gym is about a 40 min drive. So joining a gym would mean a complete change of lifestyle. I think either of us would resist that change. It would also take a pretty big change in mindset for either of us which would also be concerning.

    situations are almost always different- and that's rarely the point.

    the bolded part is what I was directly reacting to.

    We both work full time jobs.- plus we both have second jobs (I'm down from 5 to 3). And his commute is literally a part time second job since it's almost 4 hrs every day.

    the point wasn't how busy you are and the point was- about having a conversation- and making plans and goals.

    I grew up on a farm- acres with 15 horses- 30 miles from anywhere.
    My father went out of his way to get BACK in the military- and then proceeded to volunteer for every deployment that came up. Because it's what he loved- and what he wanted to do. I know what it's like to run a farm and have jobs- and have someone make a change.

    And if that's what they want- then you have the conversation and figure out how to do it.

    Honestly, I don't understand why you got upset. That was not my intention. I was simply pointing out that for us it would mean a complete change of lifestyle for one of us to want to spend the kind of time it would take to go to the gym and that I think of either of us would be resistant to the idea. We've spent almost all of our married years building this place together.

    Out of curiosity, how would the conversation go if you approached him (or he approached you) about investing several thousand dollars in setting up a home gym that only one of you would use?

    I am alone in my fitness world, as my spouse largely ignores the fact that I'm doing it as much as possible. This makes it difficult, because my fitness efforts are framed as "me time" to the detriment of my "family time" -because of this, the 3-5 hours per week I spend working out is mostly in the dark hours in the morning or during lunch breaks, to ensure that it doesn't impede on my family life. I did a marathon a few years ago which required a lot more training time, and it was very stressful to carve out the extra time.

    Despite this, I allow myself at least 1 significant fitness expense per year (in 2016 it was a Garmin Fenix 3HR fitness tracker, last year it was a triathlon bike, this year it is going to be an indoor trainer for my bike) and just tell her she has to deal with it. I don't have expensive season tickets to sports, I don't golf, I don't play fantasy sports, I don't do happy hours at the bar with the boys, etc., fitness is my only "hobby", and as I am approaching my 50s, I think it is a very worthwhile expense...

    I think that's very reasonable. I couldn't imagine living with someone who thought taking care of my health on a regular basis was bad and "to the detriment of family time" You're family doesn't need you 24 hrs a fricking day. #opinions.

    I'm a admittedly salty I've officially lost a friend to a little girl who won't let him talk to other women. I tried to take a selfie with him yesterday- and he freaked the *kitten* out and was like DON"T I"LL GET IN TROUBLE.

    So I have very firm opinions on "space" in relationships. communication is key- but not suffocation.

    But- I'm bougie and I spend a lot on pants- like almost 1 a month- sometimes I can make it 2-3 months without buying new pants- but it's a bit of an obsession for me. its' honestly to much and I'm trying to be better- but if he pushes me to hard I lose my ish- like I'm not blowing it on hair and nails and parties out drinking. I use this stuff. And it makes me happy regularly. Sooooo win.

    I do try to keep my huge dance trips limited to one a year- I do smaller local events (driving distance- only 1-2 nights in a hotel)- but once a year- it's a multi day- as I progress upwards in levels- balancing the time/financial expensive of those trips will be a thing.

    I appreciate the feedback and your perspective. Admittedly, my fitness habits changed drastically 5 years ago (my mom died of self-inflicted lifestyle habits and fitness became my midlife crisis)- so going back to previous comments in this thread about relationship expectations, maybe being with a partner who weighs his food and counts protein grams every day of his life wasn't what was bargained for. However, being with a partner with excellent health metrics who will be more likely to be around longer in the lives of his children seems like a reasonable tradeoff.

    Fitness is a complete grind (especially in maintenance when weight loss/muscle gain/PRs become increasingly rare), and sometimes new clothes, devices, and events are the only things that keep it fresh and engaging. So your pants and trips are necessities and not discretionary expenses ;)
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    mikeb4bjj wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    mikeb4bjj wrote: »
    Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.

    Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.

    um- no- I don't owe it to anyone to "remain" attractive.

    What in the 7th hells is this? no. just. no- no one owes anyone the curtesy of "being pretty" for them. GTFO with that nonsense.

    It's not a courtesy, dearest. It's not a matter of being polite, it's a matter of loving your partner enough to remain someone they want to have sex with and not turn into a sack of *kitten*.

    But by all means, let yourself go. I'm sure it'll feel empowering.

    tenor.gif?itemid=5110811



    I told my husband up front if he got fat we had to have conversations- I would expect the same of him to me. And my husband and are not in "the same league" as it were. he doesn't work out-he doesn't eat well. but he remains as he was when I met him almost a decade ago. I wish to death he'd change his life- but I can't fix that. he doesn't owe me anything except honest and faithfulness. We work through everything else and if we can't come to terms and work it out- then we walk. I'm a big believer in work- but I'm also a realist- people change- and that doesn't make the relationship a failure. If I were to stop working out and "let myself go" I would be in the grips of depression and anxiety and dealing with anger management- I would probably have to be in therapy regularly and probably on drugs to help.

    So "letting myself go" isn't about him not being able to pop a boner- but more about him dealing with someone he cares about struggling with mental illness.

    So no- it's not about "just staying pretty".

    This, to me, is the critical factor in this discussion. What was the condition of that person when you first entered into the relationship? That is the baseline - the expectation moving forward is that the person won't regress (allowing for medical problems, reasonable aging factors, or having children) but also that the person may not improve, either. Regressing from that baseline is fair game for a tactful discussion.

    The same with other negative lifestyle habits/attributes like drinking heavily, bad hygiene, a poor work ethic, insensitivity, etc. It isn't acceptable to wake up one day and find that the person you married is suddenly not good enough anymore due to flaws that were preexisting and known to you.

    I doubt this is the expectation in a lot of relationships. I certainly never thought that my husband would still look like he did in his 20's when we married now that we are aging grandparents. And he doesn't. And if he thought I would still look the same at 55 as I did back then, well, that's too bad for him. Kids, aging, life takes it's toll on a body.

    Neither of us woke up one day to find that we were older and looked it. Those things happened slowly over years of waking up together.

    Agreed, that is why I qualified my statement above (see bolded text)

    Ah, I missed that. I'm curious though, do you think this applies in reverse. Like if someone marries a chubby person should they be upset if later in the marriage that person chooses to lose weight?

    I think that any sort of self-improvement that your spouse experiences should generally be accepted (although some "improvements" like plastic surgery, tattoos, piercings, etc., may not be considered an improvement).
    Overcoming a vice should be met with a positive response, although a couple that regularly enjoyed drinking/ gambling/eating to excess together may find that the absence of their common vice in one partner leaves them with less in common and may, therefore, create a division.

    I would think the same could be true of diet changes and especially fitness. I think if either my husband or I decided to start spending time going to a gym it would not be met with much approval from the other.

    wait- are you saying if you started to go to the gym your spouse would throw up resistance or disapproval?

    That's so bizarre. I tell my husband my goals- and we make a plan- that keeps us on a financially clear path- and then I attack said goal with said plan. My dance training has gone from "at home best I can" to full blown travelling the country for intensives once or twice a year basis. We discuss- come up with a plan and I do it.

    I can't imagine a partner who didn't support my growth and desire to improve myself. That's.... flabbergasting.

    I am. Our situations are different. We both have full time jobs and a farm to care for. The nearest gym is about a 40 min drive. So joining a gym would mean a complete change of lifestyle. I think either of us would resist that change. It would also take a pretty big change in mindset for either of us which would also be concerning.

    situations are almost always different- and that's rarely the point.

    the bolded part is what I was directly reacting to.

    We both work full time jobs.- plus we both have second jobs (I'm down from 5 to 3). And his commute is literally a part time second job since it's almost 4 hrs every day.

    the point wasn't how busy you are and the point was- about having a conversation- and making plans and goals.

    I grew up on a farm- acres with 15 horses- 30 miles from anywhere.
    My father went out of his way to get BACK in the military- and then proceeded to volunteer for every deployment that came up. Because it's what he loved- and what he wanted to do. I know what it's like to run a farm and have jobs- and have someone make a change.

    And if that's what they want- then you have the conversation and figure out how to do it.

    Honestly, I don't understand why you got upset. That was not my intention. I was simply pointing out that for us it would mean a complete change of lifestyle for one of us to want to spend the kind of time it would take to go to the gym and that I think of either of us would be resistant to the idea. We've spent almost all of our married years building this place together.

    Out of curiosity, how would the conversation go if you approached him (or he approached you) about investing several thousand dollars in setting up a home gym that only one of you would use?

    I am alone in my fitness world, as my spouse largely ignores the fact that I'm doing it as much as possible. This makes it difficult, because my fitness efforts are framed as "me time" to the detriment of my "family time" -because of this, the 3-5 hours per week I spend working out is mostly in the dark hours in the morning or during lunch breaks, to ensure that it doesn't impede on my family life. I did a marathon a few years ago which required a lot more training time, and it was very stressful to carve out the extra time.

    Despite this, I allow myself at least 1 significant fitness expense per year (in 2016 it was a Garmin Fenix 3HR fitness tracker, last year it was a triathlon bike, this year it is going to be an indoor trainer for my bike) and just tell her she has to deal with it. I don't have expensive season tickets to sports, I don't golf, I don't play fantasy sports, I don't do happy hours at the bar with the boys, etc., fitness is my only "hobby", and as I am approaching my 50s, I think it is a very worthwhile expense...

    I think that's very reasonable. I couldn't imagine living with someone who thought taking care of my health on a regular basis was bad and "to the detriment of family time" You're family doesn't need you 24 hrs a fricking day. #opinions.

    I'm a admittedly salty I've officially lost a friend to a little girl who won't let him talk to other women. I tried to take a selfie with him yesterday- and he freaked the *kitten* out and was like DON"T I"LL GET IN TROUBLE.

    So I have very firm opinions on "space" in relationships. communication is key- but not suffocation.

    But- I'm bougie and I spend a lot on pants- like almost 1 a month- sometimes I can make it 2-3 months without buying new pants- but it's a bit of an obsession for me. its' honestly to much and I'm trying to be better- but if he pushes me to hard I lose my ish- like I'm not blowing it on hair and nails and parties out drinking. I use this stuff. And it makes me happy regularly. Sooooo win.

    I do try to keep my huge dance trips limited to one a year- I do smaller local events (driving distance- only 1-2 nights in a hotel)- but once a year- it's a multi day- as I progress upwards in levels- balancing the time/financial expensive of those trips will be a thing.

    I appreciate the feedback and your perspective. Admittedly, my fitness habits changed drastically 5 years ago (my mom died of self-inflicted lifestyle habits and fitness became my midlife crisis)- so going back to previous comments in this thread about relationship expectations, maybe being with a partner who weighs his food and counts protein grams every day of his life wasn't what was bargained for. However, being with a partner with excellent health metrics who will be more likely to be around longer in the lives of his children seems like a reasonable tradeoff.

    Fitness is a complete grind (especially in maintenance when weight loss/muscle gain/PRs become increasingly rare), and sometimes new clothes, devices, and events are the only things that keep it fresh and engaging. So your pants and trips are necessities and not discretionary expenses ;)

    Yes- and yes. Agreed- I totally agree they are just part'n' parcel of the package. could od with out- sure- but they are part of it. I always feel like if I was snorting my money away- he would have room to talk. There are just- way worse vices than "working out" and buying fun pants.

    I've ALWAYS worked out- but with my old job it was very much a "do what I could" situation. When I got my new job- I started working out ALL the time again- like I wanted. The now husband and I had just started dating- for maybe only a year in when things really changed.

    I remember taking my food scale to an all you can eat Brazilian steak house. (not to stop myself- I just really wanted to know how much meat I was eating)- and he's weathered it all. Maybe I'm so opinionated because I'm truly blessed to have someone who supports me for all my ridiculousness and when I get really turnt on something- as long as I'm not emptying my bank account weekly- he supports me. I have a hard time understanding when/if someone's S/O wouldn't.

  • KatieNicole95
    KatieNicole95 Posts: 133 Member
    In my situation, I was overweight when I met my husband. I gained even more weight 50 lbs or so, and I have lost almost all of that back (lose 46 lbs) and plan to lose more and he seems to be okay with it. He didn't seem to care at all about it when I even gained extra weight except for things he said that I would say I couldn't do because I was too big. Like too scared to go to an amusement park or try to fit in a bumper car for the fear of not fitting. We are young 22 and 23 and no kids yet so we want to do fun stuff together. I don't need to be skinny but I'll be happy once I am down another 60 pounds and don't really have to worry about those kinds of things.
  • Need2Exerc1se
    Need2Exerc1se Posts: 13,575 Member
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    mikeb4bjj wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    mikeb4bjj wrote: »
    Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.

    Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.

    um- no- I don't owe it to anyone to "remain" attractive.

    What in the 7th hells is this? no. just. no- no one owes anyone the curtesy of "being pretty" for them. GTFO with that nonsense.

    It's not a courtesy, dearest. It's not a matter of being polite, it's a matter of loving your partner enough to remain someone they want to have sex with and not turn into a sack of *kitten*.

    But by all means, let yourself go. I'm sure it'll feel empowering.

    tenor.gif?itemid=5110811



    I told my husband up front if he got fat we had to have conversations- I would expect the same of him to me. And my husband and are not in "the same league" as it were. he doesn't work out-he doesn't eat well. but he remains as he was when I met him almost a decade ago. I wish to death he'd change his life- but I can't fix that. he doesn't owe me anything except honest and faithfulness. We work through everything else and if we can't come to terms and work it out- then we walk. I'm a big believer in work- but I'm also a realist- people change- and that doesn't make the relationship a failure. If I were to stop working out and "let myself go" I would be in the grips of depression and anxiety and dealing with anger management- I would probably have to be in therapy regularly and probably on drugs to help.

    So "letting myself go" isn't about him not being able to pop a boner- but more about him dealing with someone he cares about struggling with mental illness.

    So no- it's not about "just staying pretty".

    This, to me, is the critical factor in this discussion. What was the condition of that person when you first entered into the relationship? That is the baseline - the expectation moving forward is that the person won't regress (allowing for medical problems, reasonable aging factors, or having children) but also that the person may not improve, either. Regressing from that baseline is fair game for a tactful discussion.

    The same with other negative lifestyle habits/attributes like drinking heavily, bad hygiene, a poor work ethic, insensitivity, etc. It isn't acceptable to wake up one day and find that the person you married is suddenly not good enough anymore due to flaws that were preexisting and known to you.

    I doubt this is the expectation in a lot of relationships. I certainly never thought that my husband would still look like he did in his 20's when we married now that we are aging grandparents. And he doesn't. And if he thought I would still look the same at 55 as I did back then, well, that's too bad for him. Kids, aging, life takes it's toll on a body.

    Neither of us woke up one day to find that we were older and looked it. Those things happened slowly over years of waking up together.

    Agreed, that is why I qualified my statement above (see bolded text)

    Ah, I missed that. I'm curious though, do you think this applies in reverse. Like if someone marries a chubby person should they be upset if later in the marriage that person chooses to lose weight?

    I think that any sort of self-improvement that your spouse experiences should generally be accepted (although some "improvements" like plastic surgery, tattoos, piercings, etc., may not be considered an improvement).
    Overcoming a vice should be met with a positive response, although a couple that regularly enjoyed drinking/ gambling/eating to excess together may find that the absence of their common vice in one partner leaves them with less in common and may, therefore, create a division.

    I would think the same could be true of diet changes and especially fitness. I think if either my husband or I decided to start spending time going to a gym it would not be met with much approval from the other.

    wait- are you saying if you started to go to the gym your spouse would throw up resistance or disapproval?

    That's so bizarre. I tell my husband my goals- and we make a plan- that keeps us on a financially clear path- and then I attack said goal with said plan. My dance training has gone from "at home best I can" to full blown travelling the country for intensives once or twice a year basis. We discuss- come up with a plan and I do it.

    I can't imagine a partner who didn't support my growth and desire to improve myself. That's.... flabbergasting.

    I am. Our situations are different. We both have full time jobs and a farm to care for. The nearest gym is about a 40 min drive. So joining a gym would mean a complete change of lifestyle. I think either of us would resist that change. It would also take a pretty big change in mindset for either of us which would also be concerning.

    situations are almost always different- and that's rarely the point.

    the bolded part is what I was directly reacting to.

    We both work full time jobs.- plus we both have second jobs (I'm down from 5 to 3). And his commute is literally a part time second job since it's almost 4 hrs every day.

    the point wasn't how busy you are and the point was- about having a conversation- and making plans and goals.

    I grew up on a farm- acres with 15 horses- 30 miles from anywhere.
    My father went out of his way to get BACK in the military- and then proceeded to volunteer for every deployment that came up. Because it's what he loved- and what he wanted to do. I know what it's like to run a farm and have jobs- and have someone make a change.

    And if that's what they want- then you have the conversation and figure out how to do it.

    Honestly, I don't understand why you got upset. That was not my intention. I was simply pointing out that for us it would mean a complete change of lifestyle for one of us to want to spend the kind of time it would take to go to the gym and that I think of either of us would be resistant to the idea. We've spent almost all of our married years building this place together.

    Out of curiosity, how would the conversation go if you approached him (or he approached you) about investing several thousand dollars in setting up a home gym that only one of you would use?

    I am alone in my fitness world, as my spouse largely ignores the fact that I'm doing it as much as possible. This makes it difficult, because my fitness efforts are framed as "me time" to the detriment of my "family time" -because of this, the 3-5 hours per week I spend working out is mostly in the dark hours in the morning or during lunch breaks, to ensure that it doesn't impede on my family life. I did a marathon a few years ago which required a lot more training time, and it was very stressful to carve out the extra time.

    Despite this, I allow myself at least 1 significant fitness expense per year (in 2016 it was a Garmin Fenix 3HR fitness tracker, last year it was a triathlon bike, this year it is going to be an indoor trainer for my bike) and just tell her she has to deal with it. I don't have expensive season tickets to sports, I don't golf, I don't play fantasy sports, I don't do happy hours at the bar with the boys, etc., fitness is my only "hobby", and as I am approaching my 50s, I think it is a very worthwhile expense...

    We've actually had that conversation. His opposition to it was putting up another building. He's very weird about natural landscape and taking down trees (we have 100+ acres and only 5-6 are cleared) and I am already planning on adding a greenhouse. He suggested we could clean out one of the outbuildings for it. We settled on a Total Gym and treadmill for the house and a new mountain bike.

    Is cost what the "sugar daddy" comment before was about? The resistance I spoke of would not be about cost but about time. We aren't rolling in money, but it's not much of an issue at this stage of our lives either.
  • TonyB0588
    TonyB0588 Posts: 9,520 Member
    A married couple should be able to discuss these things without it creating an issue. You're equal partners together.

    If one partner is under doctors orders, the other partner has no right imposing alternative opinions.
  • Bry_Fitness70
    Bry_Fitness70 Posts: 2,480 Member
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    mikeb4bjj wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    mikeb4bjj wrote: »
    Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.

    Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.

    um- no- I don't owe it to anyone to "remain" attractive.

    What in the 7th hells is this? no. just. no- no one owes anyone the curtesy of "being pretty" for them. GTFO with that nonsense.

    It's not a courtesy, dearest. It's not a matter of being polite, it's a matter of loving your partner enough to remain someone they want to have sex with and not turn into a sack of *kitten*.

    But by all means, let yourself go. I'm sure it'll feel empowering.

    tenor.gif?itemid=5110811



    I told my husband up front if he got fat we had to have conversations- I would expect the same of him to me. And my husband and are not in "the same league" as it were. he doesn't work out-he doesn't eat well. but he remains as he was when I met him almost a decade ago. I wish to death he'd change his life- but I can't fix that. he doesn't owe me anything except honest and faithfulness. We work through everything else and if we can't come to terms and work it out- then we walk. I'm a big believer in work- but I'm also a realist- people change- and that doesn't make the relationship a failure. If I were to stop working out and "let myself go" I would be in the grips of depression and anxiety and dealing with anger management- I would probably have to be in therapy regularly and probably on drugs to help.

    So "letting myself go" isn't about him not being able to pop a boner- but more about him dealing with someone he cares about struggling with mental illness.

    So no- it's not about "just staying pretty".

    This, to me, is the critical factor in this discussion. What was the condition of that person when you first entered into the relationship? That is the baseline - the expectation moving forward is that the person won't regress (allowing for medical problems, reasonable aging factors, or having children) but also that the person may not improve, either. Regressing from that baseline is fair game for a tactful discussion.

    The same with other negative lifestyle habits/attributes like drinking heavily, bad hygiene, a poor work ethic, insensitivity, etc. It isn't acceptable to wake up one day and find that the person you married is suddenly not good enough anymore due to flaws that were preexisting and known to you.

    I doubt this is the expectation in a lot of relationships. I certainly never thought that my husband would still look like he did in his 20's when we married now that we are aging grandparents. And he doesn't. And if he thought I would still look the same at 55 as I did back then, well, that's too bad for him. Kids, aging, life takes it's toll on a body.

    Neither of us woke up one day to find that we were older and looked it. Those things happened slowly over years of waking up together.

    Agreed, that is why I qualified my statement above (see bolded text)

    Ah, I missed that. I'm curious though, do you think this applies in reverse. Like if someone marries a chubby person should they be upset if later in the marriage that person chooses to lose weight?

    I think that any sort of self-improvement that your spouse experiences should generally be accepted (although some "improvements" like plastic surgery, tattoos, piercings, etc., may not be considered an improvement).
    Overcoming a vice should be met with a positive response, although a couple that regularly enjoyed drinking/ gambling/eating to excess together may find that the absence of their common vice in one partner leaves them with less in common and may, therefore, create a division.

    I would think the same could be true of diet changes and especially fitness. I think if either my husband or I decided to start spending time going to a gym it would not be met with much approval from the other.

    wait- are you saying if you started to go to the gym your spouse would throw up resistance or disapproval?

    That's so bizarre. I tell my husband my goals- and we make a plan- that keeps us on a financially clear path- and then I attack said goal with said plan. My dance training has gone from "at home best I can" to full blown travelling the country for intensives once or twice a year basis. We discuss- come up with a plan and I do it.

    I can't imagine a partner who didn't support my growth and desire to improve myself. That's.... flabbergasting.

    I am. Our situations are different. We both have full time jobs and a farm to care for. The nearest gym is about a 40 min drive. So joining a gym would mean a complete change of lifestyle. I think either of us would resist that change. It would also take a pretty big change in mindset for either of us which would also be concerning.

    situations are almost always different- and that's rarely the point.

    the bolded part is what I was directly reacting to.

    We both work full time jobs.- plus we both have second jobs (I'm down from 5 to 3). And his commute is literally a part time second job since it's almost 4 hrs every day.

    the point wasn't how busy you are and the point was- about having a conversation- and making plans and goals.

    I grew up on a farm- acres with 15 horses- 30 miles from anywhere.
    My father went out of his way to get BACK in the military- and then proceeded to volunteer for every deployment that came up. Because it's what he loved- and what he wanted to do. I know what it's like to run a farm and have jobs- and have someone make a change.

    And if that's what they want- then you have the conversation and figure out how to do it.

    Honestly, I don't understand why you got upset. That was not my intention. I was simply pointing out that for us it would mean a complete change of lifestyle for one of us to want to spend the kind of time it would take to go to the gym and that I think of either of us would be resistant to the idea. We've spent almost all of our married years building this place together.

    Out of curiosity, how would the conversation go if you approached him (or he approached you) about investing several thousand dollars in setting up a home gym that only one of you would use?

    I am alone in my fitness world, as my spouse largely ignores the fact that I'm doing it as much as possible. This makes it difficult, because my fitness efforts are framed as "me time" to the detriment of my "family time" -because of this, the 3-5 hours per week I spend working out is mostly in the dark hours in the morning or during lunch breaks, to ensure that it doesn't impede on my family life. I did a marathon a few years ago which required a lot more training time, and it was very stressful to carve out the extra time.

    Despite this, I allow myself at least 1 significant fitness expense per year (in 2016 it was a Garmin Fenix 3HR fitness tracker, last year it was a triathlon bike, this year it is going to be an indoor trainer for my bike) and just tell her she has to deal with it. I don't have expensive season tickets to sports, I don't golf, I don't play fantasy sports, I don't do happy hours at the bar with the boys, etc., fitness is my only "hobby", and as I am approaching my 50s, I think it is a very worthwhile expense...

    We've actually had that conversation. His opposition to it was putting up another building. He's very weird about natural landscape and taking down trees (we have 100+ acres and only 5-6 are cleared) and I am already planning on adding a greenhouse. He suggested we could clean out one of the outbuildings for it. We settled on a Total Gym and treadmill for the house and a new mountain bike.

    Is cost what the "sugar daddy" comment before was about? The resistance I spoke of would not be about cost but about time. We aren't rolling in money, but it's not much of an issue at this stage of our lives either.

    The "sugar daddy" comment wasn't mine.

    I think the difference of opinion regarding fitness in my relationship is mostly concerning time as well. For nearly all of my fitness activities, my time runs out before my energy, ie, I have to stop lifting because I have to go to work, I have to stop running because a kid needs a ride somewhere, etc. In a perfect world, I would easily double the number of hours I exercise per week.
  • Need2Exerc1se
    Need2Exerc1se Posts: 13,575 Member
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    mikeb4bjj wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    mikeb4bjj wrote: »
    Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.

    Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.

    um- no- I don't owe it to anyone to "remain" attractive.

    What in the 7th hells is this? no. just. no- no one owes anyone the curtesy of "being pretty" for them. GTFO with that nonsense.

    It's not a courtesy, dearest. It's not a matter of being polite, it's a matter of loving your partner enough to remain someone they want to have sex with and not turn into a sack of *kitten*.

    But by all means, let yourself go. I'm sure it'll feel empowering.

    tenor.gif?itemid=5110811



    I told my husband up front if he got fat we had to have conversations- I would expect the same of him to me. And my husband and are not in "the same league" as it were. he doesn't work out-he doesn't eat well. but he remains as he was when I met him almost a decade ago. I wish to death he'd change his life- but I can't fix that. he doesn't owe me anything except honest and faithfulness. We work through everything else and if we can't come to terms and work it out- then we walk. I'm a big believer in work- but I'm also a realist- people change- and that doesn't make the relationship a failure. If I were to stop working out and "let myself go" I would be in the grips of depression and anxiety and dealing with anger management- I would probably have to be in therapy regularly and probably on drugs to help.

    So "letting myself go" isn't about him not being able to pop a boner- but more about him dealing with someone he cares about struggling with mental illness.

    So no- it's not about "just staying pretty".

    This, to me, is the critical factor in this discussion. What was the condition of that person when you first entered into the relationship? That is the baseline - the expectation moving forward is that the person won't regress (allowing for medical problems, reasonable aging factors, or having children) but also that the person may not improve, either. Regressing from that baseline is fair game for a tactful discussion.

    The same with other negative lifestyle habits/attributes like drinking heavily, bad hygiene, a poor work ethic, insensitivity, etc. It isn't acceptable to wake up one day and find that the person you married is suddenly not good enough anymore due to flaws that were preexisting and known to you.

    I doubt this is the expectation in a lot of relationships. I certainly never thought that my husband would still look like he did in his 20's when we married now that we are aging grandparents. And he doesn't. And if he thought I would still look the same at 55 as I did back then, well, that's too bad for him. Kids, aging, life takes it's toll on a body.

    Neither of us woke up one day to find that we were older and looked it. Those things happened slowly over years of waking up together.

    Agreed, that is why I qualified my statement above (see bolded text)

    Ah, I missed that. I'm curious though, do you think this applies in reverse. Like if someone marries a chubby person should they be upset if later in the marriage that person chooses to lose weight?

    I think that any sort of self-improvement that your spouse experiences should generally be accepted (although some "improvements" like plastic surgery, tattoos, piercings, etc., may not be considered an improvement).
    Overcoming a vice should be met with a positive response, although a couple that regularly enjoyed drinking/ gambling/eating to excess together may find that the absence of their common vice in one partner leaves them with less in common and may, therefore, create a division.

    I would think the same could be true of diet changes and especially fitness. I think if either my husband or I decided to start spending time going to a gym it would not be met with much approval from the other.

    wait- are you saying if you started to go to the gym your spouse would throw up resistance or disapproval?

    That's so bizarre. I tell my husband my goals- and we make a plan- that keeps us on a financially clear path- and then I attack said goal with said plan. My dance training has gone from "at home best I can" to full blown travelling the country for intensives once or twice a year basis. We discuss- come up with a plan and I do it.

    I can't imagine a partner who didn't support my growth and desire to improve myself. That's.... flabbergasting.

    I am. Our situations are different. We both have full time jobs and a farm to care for. The nearest gym is about a 40 min drive. So joining a gym would mean a complete change of lifestyle. I think either of us would resist that change. It would also take a pretty big change in mindset for either of us which would also be concerning.

    situations are almost always different- and that's rarely the point.

    the bolded part is what I was directly reacting to.

    We both work full time jobs.- plus we both have second jobs (I'm down from 5 to 3). And his commute is literally a part time second job since it's almost 4 hrs every day.

    the point wasn't how busy you are and the point was- about having a conversation- and making plans and goals.

    I grew up on a farm- acres with 15 horses- 30 miles from anywhere.
    My father went out of his way to get BACK in the military- and then proceeded to volunteer for every deployment that came up. Because it's what he loved- and what he wanted to do. I know what it's like to run a farm and have jobs- and have someone make a change.

    And if that's what they want- then you have the conversation and figure out how to do it.

    Honestly, I don't understand why you got upset. That was not my intention. I was simply pointing out that for us it would mean a complete change of lifestyle for one of us to want to spend the kind of time it would take to go to the gym and that I think of either of us would be resistant to the idea. We've spent almost all of our married years building this place together.

    Out of curiosity, how would the conversation go if you approached him (or he approached you) about investing several thousand dollars in setting up a home gym that only one of you would use?

    I am alone in my fitness world, as my spouse largely ignores the fact that I'm doing it as much as possible. This makes it difficult, because my fitness efforts are framed as "me time" to the detriment of my "family time" -because of this, the 3-5 hours per week I spend working out is mostly in the dark hours in the morning or during lunch breaks, to ensure that it doesn't impede on my family life. I did a marathon a few years ago which required a lot more training time, and it was very stressful to carve out the extra time.

    Despite this, I allow myself at least 1 significant fitness expense per year (in 2016 it was a Garmin Fenix 3HR fitness tracker, last year it was a triathlon bike, this year it is going to be an indoor trainer for my bike) and just tell her she has to deal with it. I don't have expensive season tickets to sports, I don't golf, I don't play fantasy sports, I don't do happy hours at the bar with the boys, etc., fitness is my only "hobby", and as I am approaching my 50s, I think it is a very worthwhile expense...

    We've actually had that conversation. His opposition to it was putting up another building. He's very weird about natural landscape and taking down trees (we have 100+ acres and only 5-6 are cleared) and I am already planning on adding a greenhouse. He suggested we could clean out one of the outbuildings for it. We settled on a Total Gym and treadmill for the house and a new mountain bike.

    Is cost what the "sugar daddy" comment before was about? The resistance I spoke of would not be about cost but about time. We aren't rolling in money, but it's not much of an issue at this stage of our lives either.

    The "sugar daddy" comment wasn't mine.

    I think the difference of opinion regarding fitness in my relationship is mostly concerning time as well. For nearly all of my fitness activities, my time runs out before my energy, ie, I have to stop lifting because I have to go to work, I have to stop running because a kid needs a ride somewhere, etc. In a perfect world, I would easily double the number of hours I exercise per week.

    Sorry, I knew it wasn't your comment. It just seemed so out of the blue I could not figure out what the heck prompted it and it suddenly hit me that for some reason the other poster thought I was talking about money.
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
    It was the "We both have full time jobs and a farm we care for" comment.

    The implication is the reverse- as if bc I chose to make these decisions- I don't work- I don't have other things going on- and I just have a boat load of free time and someone just pays for my way. i.e. a sugar daddy.



  • Need2Exerc1se
    Need2Exerc1se Posts: 13,575 Member
    JoRocka wrote: »
    It was the "We both have full time jobs and a farm we care for" comment.

    The implication is the reverse- as if bc I chose to make these decisions- I don't work- I don't have other things going on- and I just have a boat load of free time and someone just pays for my way. i.e. a sugar daddy.

    I think you mean inference because I did not imply that. I'll try to explain what I meant. Just as you discussed your desire to do your dance thing and devote the kind of time it took to do it right, we discussed buying undeveloped land and building it into a farm. Now that the children are grown and gone it is a lot of work for just the two of us. But we do it because we like it. It's our thing. If either of us decided to give it up in favor of gym time that would be met with resistance.

    That is all I said or implied. I'm sorry you misunderstood and were offended but my post had absolutely nothing to do with money. I was simply giving the reason for the resistance, which is the farm. The resistance would be there if the gym membership and transportation to and from it were free.
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
    It wasn't just about money. But regardless we'll have to just let it be- you still seem to miss the point entirely and are locking on to one thing- which may very well be the same said thing *I* was doing.

    Which is fine- I can accept that you didn't mean it- but that IS the way it translated. at this point we are beating a dead horse and still not communicating clearly- so lose lose.
  • sportychic87
    sportychic87 Posts: 214 Member
    edited February 2018
    I don’t think that there should be any say. Ideally couples support each other with weight loss and goals but it shouldn’t ever be a thing where one person has to lose weight just because the other says so.
  • This content has been removed.
  • sportychic87
    sportychic87 Posts: 214 Member
    imfornd wrote: »
    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?

    I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.

    Yes they should love you BUT they dedicate their life to you AND in your VOWS you said you would stay healthy,,, in sickness AND in health

    And most couples are already aware of weight issues as long as they have been honest with each other in the first place
  • This content has been removed.
  • STLBADGIRL
    STLBADGIRL Posts: 1,693 Member
    GitaMe wrote: »
    I have had an ex tell me he cheated on me because I got too thick all of a sudden and when he touched the rolls on my waist it turned him off. ... And that is why he is my EX :-) Forget that!

    Flash forward - Hubby #2 - Met me when were both in the greatest shape of our life. We struggled together to develop ourselves professionally. We got married, bought a house and had 2 beautiful boys back to back. I gained 70 lbs he gained close to the same (we had a LOT of fun being pregnant lol he ate everything I ate and whatever I couldn't eat). This man has loved me through THICK and THIN (literally lol). He never ONCE said anything to me about my weight.

    Then a health exam for insurance revealed that I was obese and those weird headaches and spell, probably the pre-diabetes that also came up on the exam. It was the wake up call that I needed and then... the thought of losing my hubby and raising these kids alone hit me. So I talked to him in the way that we talk "Love, it was fun getting big with you (lol) but now it's affecting my health and I gotta be here to raise these babies to men. I'm changing my ways because I don't want to die early or become a health burden to my family." Those words and my prayers reached him. He didn't get on board immediately, but after watching me lose 30 lbs in 30 days, he started eating like me and asking questions about my diet. And after 90 days, he had returned to the gym and changed his way of eating to what I was doing ... and LOVES IT. We are still going strong 7 months later.

    So the short of it is, I didn't marry him for his body. I married him for his heart and soul. Treat your partner as you would want to be treated, with kindness, compassion and caring. And if you can have some laughs along the way ... that is pretty great too.

    BTW In case you are interested in knowing our progress

    Me: Down 75 lbs in 6.5 months
    Hubby:: Down 50 lbs in 5.5 months

    Love one another.



    This is awesome!
  • Need2Exerc1se
    Need2Exerc1se Posts: 13,575 Member
    imfornd wrote: »
    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?

    I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.

    Yes they should love you BUT they dedicate their life to you AND in your VOWS you said you would stay healthy,,, in sickness AND in health

    The vow is typically not to stay healthy. It's ... 'to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part'. It's a vow to remain faithful in bad times and good.
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
    imfornd wrote: »
    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?

    I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.

    Yes they should love you BUT they dedicate their life to you AND in your VOWS you said you would stay healthy,,, in sickness AND in health

    The vow is typically not to stay healthy. It's ... 'to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part'. It's a vow to remain faithful in bad times and good.

    Well- most people do their own these days- few people do super traditional read after me vows. Not everyone said the same thing.

    mine included tacos.
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
    And remaining faithful isn't the same as supporting someone's choice to get fat. Those are two different conversations.
  • Need2Exerc1se
    Need2Exerc1se Posts: 13,575 Member
    JoRocka wrote: »
    imfornd wrote: »
    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?

    I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.

    Yes they should love you BUT they dedicate their life to you AND in your VOWS you said you would stay healthy,,, in sickness AND in health

    The vow is typically not to stay healthy. It's ... 'to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part'. It's a vow to remain faithful in bad times and good.

    Well- most people do their own these days- few people do super traditional read after me vows. Not everyone said the same thing.

    mine included tacos.

    Of course that's true. But the point is that when people use that vow they aren't typically promising to remain healthy.
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  • jmartin1219
    jmartin1219 Posts: 31 Member
    GitaMe wrote: »
    I have had an ex tell me he cheated on me because I got too thick all of a sudden and when he touched the rolls on my waist it turned him off. ... And that is why he is my EX :-) Forget that!

    Flash forward - Hubby #2 - Met me when were both in the greatest shape of our life. We struggled together to develop ourselves professionally. We got married, bought a house and had 2 beautiful boys back to back. I gained 70 lbs he gained close to the same (we had a LOT of fun being pregnant lol he ate everything I ate and whatever I couldn't eat). This man has loved me through THICK and THIN (literally lol). He never ONCE said anything to me about my weight.

    Then a health exam for insurance revealed that I was obese and those weird headaches and spell, probably the pre-diabetes that also came up on the exam. It was the wake up call that I needed and then... the thought of losing my hubby and raising these kids alone hit me. So I talked to him in the way that we talk "Love, it was fun getting big with you (lol) but now it's affecting my health and I gotta be here to raise these babies to men. I'm changing my ways because I don't want to die early or become a health burden to my family." Those words and my prayers reached him. He didn't get on board immediately, but after watching me lose 30 lbs in 30 days, he started eating like me and asking questions about my diet. And after 90 days, he had returned to the gym and changed his way of eating to what I was doing ... and LOVES IT. We are still going strong 7 months later.

    So the short of it is, I didn't marry him for his body. I married him for his heart and soul. Treat your partner as you would want to be treated, with kindness, compassion and caring. And if you can have some laughs along the way ... that is pretty great too.

    BTW In case you are interested in knowing our progress

    Me: Down 75 lbs in 6.5 months
    Hubby:: Down 50 lbs in 5.5 months

    Love one another.



    YES!! This is great!!
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
    JoRocka wrote: »
    imfornd wrote: »
    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?

    I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.

    Yes they should love you BUT they dedicate their life to you AND in your VOWS you said you would stay healthy,,, in sickness AND in health

    The vow is typically not to stay healthy. It's ... 'to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part'. It's a vow to remain faithful in bad times and good.

    Well- most people do their own these days- few people do super traditional read after me vows. Not everyone said the same thing.

    mine included tacos.

    Of course that's true. But the point is that when people use that vow they aren't typically promising to remain healthy.

    most people probably not- but I had that talk before we ever talked about getting married.
  • Need2Exerc1se
    Need2Exerc1se Posts: 13,575 Member
    JoRocka wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    imfornd wrote: »
    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?

    I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.

    Yes they should love you BUT they dedicate their life to you AND in your VOWS you said you would stay healthy,,, in sickness AND in health

    The vow is typically not to stay healthy. It's ... 'to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part'. It's a vow to remain faithful in bad times and good.

    Well- most people do their own these days- few people do super traditional read after me vows. Not everyone said the same thing.

    mine included tacos.

    Of course that's true. But the point is that when people use that vow they aren't typically promising to remain healthy.

    most people probably not- but I had that talk before we ever talked about getting married.

    About remaining healthy? So many health problems can arise regardless of weight or fitness.
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
    JoRocka wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    imfornd wrote: »
    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?

    I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.

    Yes they should love you BUT they dedicate their life to you AND in your VOWS you said you would stay healthy,,, in sickness AND in health

    The vow is typically not to stay healthy. It's ... 'to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part'. It's a vow to remain faithful in bad times and good.

    Well- most people do their own these days- few people do super traditional read after me vows. Not everyone said the same thing.

    mine included tacos.

    Of course that's true. But the point is that when people use that vow they aren't typically promising to remain healthy.

    most people probably not- but I had that talk before we ever talked about getting married.

    About remaining healthy? So many health problems can arise regardless of weight or fitness.

    my exact words were "I'm not f**king a fat dude".
  • Need2Exerc1se
    Need2Exerc1se Posts: 13,575 Member
    JoRocka wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    imfornd wrote: »
    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?

    I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.

    Yes they should love you BUT they dedicate their life to you AND in your VOWS you said you would stay healthy,,, in sickness AND in health

    The vow is typically not to stay healthy. It's ... 'to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part'. It's a vow to remain faithful in bad times and good.

    Well- most people do their own these days- few people do super traditional read after me vows. Not everyone said the same thing.

    mine included tacos.

    Of course that's true. But the point is that when people use that vow they aren't typically promising to remain healthy.

    most people probably not- but I had that talk before we ever talked about getting married.

    About remaining healthy? So many health problems can arise regardless of weight or fitness.

    my exact words were "I'm not f**king a fat dude".

    Not sure how that relates back to the vow, but I do think it's a good idea to discuss things that are important to you before marriage.
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