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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
Replies
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Need2Exerc1se wrote: »mom23mangos wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »richardgavel wrote: »I am curious if those people who suggest that you should feel the same way healthy or overnight, sometimes so far as not discuss it with your spouse (or not allowed to have influence) if the situation was instead that the spouse decided to quit their job and sit on the couch all day and watch Netflix.
Asking someone to financially support you vs. not caring if someone packs on a few lbs. That's a pretty big difference.
Actually I don't see a huge difference. And my SO has done both. I choose to have him in my life for what other things he brings into it like laughter, children, companionship, etc. and not for how much money he brings in or how much he weighs. I'm more than capable of taking care of my family on my own. It may mean some changes to our lifestyle, but it's all in how you view things. Some would feel taken advantage of.
You don't see a difference in someone quitting their job to sit on the couch watching internet TV all day and someone gaining weight? Wow, I sure do.
It depends on what lead up to it. If it was depression that led to one or the other, then yes I look at them as similar. I would want to support my SO as they overcame whatever it was that was causing them to deviate from the norm. Now, with both it's up to the individual in just how far and how long they are willing to support a person that isn't trying or doesn't want to change.0 -
Sadly, many spouses love their mate but lack the skill set to tactfully introduce touchy subjects. It should come across as 'I'm concerned about our health' rather than 'look at that muffin top' or 'wow, you *kitten* really got fat!'
Exactly this. It's rude to say "your *kitten* is Huge!" but I absolutely HATE society's recent attitude that we must tell people that it's ok if you are morbidly obese. "Overweight" is the new "average", but IT IS NOT OK. It's a hard conversation to have, but this is literally a matter of life and death.
Sure, cut a girl some slack if she doesn't look like an anorexic model, but it is time to have that conversation when someone passes the defined limits of "healthy" weight range. There is a medically defined limit. A BMI of 25 to 29.9 is considered overweight. A BMI of 30 or higher is considered obese.
Frankly, I've been overweight for a while, but a recent diagnosis of diabetes is now my motivation to lose weight. I can't ignore the problem anymore. Being overweight and diabetic will kill me if I don't take action to fix this.
A trip to the doctor and having the Doc suggest that losing weight will help with your physical problems (hypertension, diabetes, pain, etc) creates a good moment for a conversation about your health, diet, weight loss with those around you. Not accusatory or insulting, but "Hey, doc says I should lose weight. let's lose some weight together, so we can both be healthier." Show concern and offer support to help fix the problem, no judgment or accusations. Commenting on appearance is usually taken as meanness, but keep the conversation on good health and quality of life and you should be able to make more of a lasting impression.3 -
Interesting topic! My SO doesn't want me to lose more weight. But my goal weight is within a healthy BMI. I'm 5'7" and currently 146 lbs but I want to be around 125 (I already lost 17 lbs). I do weight training so I don't look "skinny". I don't know what I feel about his concern... His concern is strictly about looks but if I'm getting more confident and happy, he should be happy too? I used to be very underweight, but I'm built in a way that I still have curves (waist, hips and bottom at least) even when I'm thin. Boobs are not so consistent
I said I will reach my goal and if he is too unhappy about it then (which I'm sure he won't be) I will gain back some. But I know I won't want to...
What are your thoughts about this? Is he too controlling or should I let him have a say on this? I DO want to please him in everyway as long as it's not unhealthy you know
I think your approach is good. You will never know if you never try. I would keep communication open and express to him how important this journey is to you and want his support on this. Heck, you might get to 125 yourself and not care for that look either.1 -
Interesting topic! My SO doesn't want me to lose more weight. But my goal weight is within a healthy BMI. I'm 5'7" and currently 146 lbs but I want to be around 125 (I already lost 17 lbs). I do weight training so I don't look "skinny". I don't know what I feel about his concern... His concern is strictly about looks but if I'm getting more confident and happy, he should be happy too? I used to be very underweight, but I'm built in a way that I still have curves (waist, hips and bottom at least) even when I'm thin. Boobs are not so consistent
I said I will reach my goal and if he is too unhappy about it then (which I'm sure he won't be) I will gain back some. But I know I won't want to...
What are your thoughts about this? Is he too controlling or should I let him have a say on this? I DO want to please him in everyway as long as it's not unhealthy you know
I certainly wouldn't give up goals that are healthy if they are important to you. But your comment that you used to be very underweight may be of concern to him if he knew you during that time. Perhaps his concern is not 100% about looks. He could be concerned that you are headed down that dangerous path again.3 -
I have been the spouse that got fat (later the spouse that got fit) and to be honest the unattractive part about weight gain in my case wasn't the fat itself it was the lethargy and therefore no real energy for anything, poor self image and therefore little sex, I was also depressed so I was bitchy and sad. I had a hard time getting out of bed, I had a hard time motivating myself to even wash my hair. Definitely say something; but offer help/an out. If I gained 20lbs over 5 years definitely DONT say anything lol
My final answer is it depends.3 -
A few lbs gained is not really a big deal. Letting yourself go is. Being overweight/obese isn't healthy. I want my SO to live a long healthy life together1
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This is definitely a sensitive topic. No, you cannot police your spouse's weight gain or loss, no matter how much you might want to. I try to stick to showing my husband support when he is trying to make healthier choices. I try not to put barriers in his path because ultimately it is his body and his decision how to take care of his health. He has been morbidly obese for many years now with all the health consequences that come with that condition. Would I love to see him change his ways and get healthier? Most definitely! But I have learned over the years to keep my mouth shut. My mother always said that people change when the problems their behavior causes become so overwhelming that they simply must change in order to survive.3
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God no! If your married they should love you for You! That's horrible for selfesteam! Supporting your choices in whatever you choose should be main priority!6
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God no! If your married they should love you for You! That's horrible for selfesteam! Supporting your choices in whatever you choose should be main priority!
Talking to someone about their weight isn't the same as not loving them. In cases of obesity and especially morbid obesity it could mean the exact opposite. Obesity raises risk of many deadly diseases. What kind of love supports that?8 -
God no! If your married they should love you for You! That's horrible for selfesteam! Supporting your choices in whatever you choose should be main priority!
I hope to God that my husband wouldn't support some the stupid choices I'm capable of. Someone has to be the voice of reason. When it comes to health issues, my husband is fully entitled to voice his opinions.
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Nope ... if it's that much of a problem, he's free to use the front door and find someone who's weight wont ever fluctuate.4
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VioletRojo wrote: »God no! If your married they should love you for You! That's horrible for selfesteam! Supporting your choices in whatever you choose should be main priority!
I hope to God that my husband wouldn't support some the stupid choices I'm capable of. Someone has to be the voice of reason. When it comes to health issues, my husband is fully entitled to voice his opinions.
Some choices are objectively bad choices or destructive to your marriage. If I choose to cheat, my spouse should not be expected to support me. Likewise, if I get so morbidly obese that I cannot get out of bed, clean my own body, change my own clothes, or care for my own children, I don't think that my spouse should have to support that, either. 50 or even 100 pounds? Maybe. A contestant for My 600 Pound Life? I can understand that being a deal breaker.4 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »
No, that does not apply to all our problems. I've got eyes, I can see my own body, and I don't require a talking to by my SO to make changes. If it's such a problem to deal with weight changes, then yes, he's welcome to leave and find someone that makes him happy.3 -
To an extent, yes. My husband has mentioned that if i gained a lot of weight he would still love me but wouldnt be as attracted to me, and I respect that. He doesnt expect me to be a certain size or weight, and loved me and found me attractive at 172 pounds which is my highest weight, and I couldnt stand my size, but now that Im losing weight again, I know he likes it, as do I. I feel that although weight shouldn't be a deal breaker, trying to keep myself in a healthy weight range shows that I respect what he likes. And no, I am not losing weight for him, I'm doing it for me, but him noticing I'm slimming down and and being even more attracted to me definitely is a motivator for me 6
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I think that a SO should respectively tell you their opinion if they have one but ultimately let you choose and accept your choice. * Unless your choices are risking your life. In the situation where someone is highly underweight by choice of their own, and having health problems, the SO have the right to feel assertive. The same in a position where a SO is extremely overweight or even normal size but they have been told to not eat a certain thing. (Like my uncle would overload in sweets even though he was a diabetic and a normal weight but my aunt had to intervene). My husband gained 20 pounds while we were dating and he's a short man (5'2) so it makes a bigger difference, then he has now lost about 35 pounds since we got married and personally I liked him better before. He never says anything to be about my weight, I gained 50 since we got together but have recently lost that back and he just keeps his opinion to himself. Though I'm sure he would probably be happier if I was thinner. Working on that! Lol1
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Yes. My husband doesn't want me to get too muscular, and I don't want him to get fat.. so he watches his sugar intake and I watch my calorie intake. I want him to get regular haircuts and he doesn't want mine cut at all. We both comply with each other's wishes, and it's no problem.5
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CircleJerkk wrote: »Yes. My husband doesn't want me to get too muscular, and I don't want him to get fat.. so he watches his sugar intake and I watch my calorie intake. I want him to get regular haircuts and he doesn't want mine cut at all. We both comply with each other's wishes, and it's no problem.
Wow....you two are very considerate of each other. It's great that you both are "willing" to do this for each other.0 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »CircleJerkk wrote: »Yes. My husband doesn't want me to get too muscular, and I don't want him to get fat.. so he watches his sugar intake and I watch my calorie intake. I want him to get regular haircuts and he doesn't want mine cut at all. We both comply with each other's wishes, and it's no problem.
Wow....you two are very considerate of each other. It's great that you both are "willing" to do this for each other.
I think it's important to be considerate of each other. I don't have any problems with swearing, but my husband finds it distasteful. So as much as possible, I avoid swearing around him. I see this as similar.
Nobody gains a significant amount of weight overnight. If it gets to the point that it's a problem, and you haven't discussed it? THAT'S the problem.4 -
It's relative,to your goals. I don't want to be unattractive to him anymore than I want him to be less than sexy and hot to me.3
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Honesty is very important. And also a compromise if needed because there may be situations where your S/O -spouse may not like something about you and vice versa.0
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I feel like your HEALTH should be the only concern of your spouse. If you are too big/small and it is affecting you medically, that is always a cause for concern. However, there are right and wrong ways to have that type of conversation.
If you have just gained a little weight around the holidays, or have yet to lose the baby weight, etc...and your spouse has an issue with the way you look, thats quite hurtful. You chose to be with that person because of who they are on the inside, not their outward appearance.
I suppose everybody is entitled to feel however they want, but if a little weight gain is a deal breaker for your spouse, they probably didn't care about you that much to begin with. Or, if that is an expectation for them, hopefully you had the discussion early on as not to be a surprise later in your relationship.3 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.
Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.
um- no- I don't owe it to anyone to "remain" attractive.
What in the 7th hells is this? no. just. no- no one owes anyone the curtesy of "being pretty" for them. GTFO with that nonsense.
It's not a courtesy, dearest. It's not a matter of being polite, it's a matter of loving your partner enough to remain someone they want to have sex with and not turn into a sack of *kitten*.
But by all means, let yourself go. I'm sure it'll feel empowering.
I told my husband up front if he got fat we had to have conversations- I would expect the same of him to me. And my husband and are not in "the same league" as it were. he doesn't work out-he doesn't eat well. but he remains as he was when I met him almost a decade ago. I wish to death he'd change his life- but I can't fix that. he doesn't owe me anything except honest and faithfulness. We work through everything else and if we can't come to terms and work it out- then we walk. I'm a big believer in work- but I'm also a realist- people change- and that doesn't make the relationship a failure. If I were to stop working out and "let myself go" I would be in the grips of depression and anxiety and dealing with anger management- I would probably have to be in therapy regularly and probably on drugs to help.
So "letting myself go" isn't about him not being able to pop a boner- but more about him dealing with someone he cares about struggling with mental illness.
So no- it's not about "just staying pretty".
This, to me, is the critical factor in this discussion. What was the condition of that person when you first entered into the relationship? That is the baseline - the expectation moving forward is that the person won't regress (allowing for medical problems, reasonable aging factors, or having children) but also that the person may not improve, either. Regressing from that baseline is fair game for a tactful discussion.
The same with other negative lifestyle habits/attributes like drinking heavily, bad hygiene, a poor work ethic, insensitivity, etc. It isn't acceptable to wake up one day and find that the person you married is suddenly not good enough anymore due to flaws that were preexisting and known to you.
I doubt this is the expectation in a lot of relationships. I certainly never thought that my husband would still look like he did in his 20's when we married now that we are aging grandparents. And he doesn't. And if he thought I would still look the same at 55 as I did back then, well, that's too bad for him. Kids, aging, life takes it's toll on a body.
Neither of us woke up one day to find that we were older and looked it. Those things happened slowly over years of waking up together.
My husband and I are both making an effort to age well (staying healthy and fit), not just for each other, but for ourselves as individuals. We know we won't look like we did at 25 when we're 75, but that's OK.
If you stay fit and healthy, you can stay attractive to your partner - just putting the effort in shows your partner that pleasing them is a priority for you. And if pleasing your partner is not a priority, why are you even together?
So far, keep ourselves fit and active (and all the fun and adventure that comes with it) has been working for us and we are heading toward the beginning of our third decade together, still very much attracted to one another. We won't stay "young" forever, but there's no reason to believe we can't be the best versions of ourselves at every age as we travel through this life.
I think it's super sexy that my husband is still very hot and fit for his age and he feels the same way about me. In fact, with just a little extra effort, the older you get, the more awesome you get relative to the other people your age who just let themselves go over time...
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clicketykeys wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »CircleJerkk wrote: »Yes. My husband doesn't want me to get too muscular, and I don't want him to get fat.. so he watches his sugar intake and I watch my calorie intake. I want him to get regular haircuts and he doesn't want mine cut at all. We both comply with each other's wishes, and it's no problem.
Wow....you two are very considerate of each other. It's great that you both are "willing" to do this for each other.
I think it's important to be considerate of each other. I don't have any problems with swearing, but my husband finds it distasteful. So as much as possible, I avoid swearing around him. I see this as similar.
Nobody gains a significant amount of weight overnight. If it gets to the point that it's a problem, and you haven't discussed it? THAT'S the problem.
I think it is important to be considerate, but I am not going to alter myself totally, just to please another partner. I should be "me" somewhere. My rule of thumb is - Somethings I will change completely, somethings I will compromise on, but others I just will not! My guy struggles with high blood pressure and he hates and criticize when I use salt - and I'm not a big salt eater....but if you can deal with no salt on your eggs, good for you, but do not tell me not to salt my eggs....BUT - I will crank out an extra five reps, but don't mess with my eggs!0 -
I think if one's weight is dangerously high or low, yes. It stops being about preference and it starts being about health. And in a marriage or partnership, one's health has an impact on both.
That being said, I lost 23 lbs because I felt that I needed it. And I had nothing but fantastic support from my husband (boyfriend at the time). But he never made it a thing before, and he made a point that if I'm uncomfortable with myself, that that's why I should change and not for anything else. Same the other way around. We started with about 20 lbs difference between us and now we are still 20 lbs between, but the other way around
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My husbands has always been extremely loving towards me regardless of my size. I had an issue with my size, not him. However, after 100 lbs lost, he can't keep his hands off of me. But I don't attribute that to my weight but more so because I purposefully entice him more and allow him to get handsy. Any time he would try to get handsy before, I would squirm out of it because I felt uncomfortable being touched. Now, I'll strut around the house naked like it ain't no thang! He loves it! What he loves though is the confidence that I have in myself again.
He would love me at any size, and has for a long time. I'm a different story.
Now do I think that a spouse has a right to say something. Absolutely! If it's done constructively and for the right reasons. Time is going is going to change us, all of us - it's inevitable! However, we can't overlook what time may have done and ultimately ignore what's more important - our health.
For instance, my husband is slender with the exception that he has a belly, and I have no problem with that. However, belly fat is a major contributor to heart disease. My husband also has hypertension. I don't care that he has a belly - I love that belly. However, that belly could one day be what leads to my husband needing open heart surgery and I'm not willing to risk it. So guess what, I had an honest conversation with him and our doctor and we came up with a plan, together. He has started going to the gym regularly and working on getting rid of that belly.4 -
CatchMom13 wrote: »My husbands has always been extremely loving towards me regardless of my size. I had an issue with my size, not him. However, after 100 lbs lost, he can't keep his hands off of me. But I don't attribute that to my weight but more so because I purposefully entice him more and allow him to get handsy. Any time he would try to get handsy before, I would squirm out of it because I felt uncomfortable being touched. Now, I'll strut around the house naked like it ain't no thang! He loves it! What he loves though is the confidence that I have in myself again.
He would love me at any size, and has for a long time. I'm a different story.
Now do I think that a spouse has a right to say something. Absolutely! If it's done constructively and for the right reasons. Time is going is going to change us, all of us - it's inevitable! However, we can't overlook what time may have done and ultimately ignore what's more important - our health.
For instance, my husband is slender with the exception that he has a belly, and I have no problem with that. However, belly fat is a major contributor to heart disease. My husband also has hypertension. I don't care that he has a belly - I love that belly. However, that belly could one day be what leads to my husband needing open heart surgery and I'm not willing to risk it. So guess what, I had an honest conversation with him and our doctor and we came up with a plan, together. He has started going to the gym regularly and working on getting rid of that belly.
This is awesome. Thanks for sharing. I used to squirm at the touch of my back rolls. And my SO told me if "I" was not comfy with it then I needed to work on that...LOL0 -
It depends. If it is truly a health issue that your spouse is ignoring, then working on it together may be in order, like you would do with any other health issue. It truly depends on your spouse. For example, if your spouse smokes and has told you point blank not to bother him with it because it just pushes him further away from quitting, then that is your conversation and you've had it. You cannot control everything your mate chooses to do.
You really have to know your mate and know when the right, and wrong time, is to discuss something. And know how to do it. And know when to just shut up and deal.0 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »CatchMom13 wrote: »My husbands has always been extremely loving towards me regardless of my size. I had an issue with my size, not him. However, after 100 lbs lost, he can't keep his hands off of me. But I don't attribute that to my weight but more so because I purposefully entice him more and allow him to get handsy. Any time he would try to get handsy before, I would squirm out of it because I felt uncomfortable being touched. Now, I'll strut around the house naked like it ain't no thang! He loves it! What he loves though is the confidence that I have in myself again.
He would love me at any size, and has for a long time. I'm a different story.
Now do I think that a spouse has a right to say something. Absolutely! If it's done constructively and for the right reasons. Time is going is going to change us, all of us - it's inevitable! However, we can't overlook what time may have done and ultimately ignore what's more important - our health.
For instance, my husband is slender with the exception that he has a belly, and I have no problem with that. However, belly fat is a major contributor to heart disease. My husband also has hypertension. I don't care that he has a belly - I love that belly. However, that belly could one day be what leads to my husband needing open heart surgery and I'm not willing to risk it. So guess what, I had an honest conversation with him and our doctor and we came up with a plan, together. He has started going to the gym regularly and working on getting rid of that belly.
This is awesome. Thanks for sharing. I used to squirm at the touch of my back rolls. And my SO told me if "I" was not comfy with it then I needed to work on that...LOL
I can just imagine the tone that was taken with that as well.
Now had he/she said "I love you just the way that you are, but if you're not happy, then you should work towards making YOU happy" that'd be different. The response you received sounded more to me like "that's YOUR issue, not mine." I'm sorry for that too - no one deserves that.
It's very much about wording and tone. It gives us away, all the time! I understand that supposedly some people may be ignorant to their own tone, but I don't know how much I buy that. When I'm giving someone a snarky tone, I KNOW it because it's likely intentional. If it's not intentional, I still am able to sense my own tone, own it and apologize for it.2 -
I've been able to share my weight loss journey with my husband until about 6 months ago... then I dropped some more weight (on purpose) and now I can't share the number on the scale with him as he thinks I'm too thin. (I'm not).1
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