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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
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lemurcat12 wrote: »So in ads determined by current discussions on MFP, I looked some at t-shirts (completely unrelated) I might add to my sister's birthday present next week, and came back to MFP with the following as the main ad on my page:
Nice to know BigTshirt is watching.
HAHAHAA....LOL @ BigTshirt is watching.2 -
HoldTheDoor13 wrote: »I think your S/O has as much of a right to be happy in the relationship as you do, and it's normal and natural to want to be physically attracted to your partner.
So yeah- as long as they don't belittle you and address the issue of your weight with firm kindness, I don't see anything wrong with them telling you that your weight is affecting their relationship satisfaction and that you need to change.
That being said, you aren't obligated to change for anyone but that might mean that the relationship is over
I agree. I'd also rather have my SO say something before it becomes a relationship breaker. I know many of men (and I'm sure there are women out there) that have left their SO partly from lack of sexual attractiveness. I'm lucky my SO doesn't seem to be bothered by the weight I have gained. about 30 pounds since we married 20+ years, and 1 child ago.
Would it hurt my feelings, yes. No matter how it was approached. Would I work to change? Even more than I already am because I know that my body effects him. He's in a relationship with me and like it or not that means physical attraction counts, it just shouldn't count for everything. I am currently trying to lose weight or at least become healthier, fitter, more flexible. I also would rather die than have him have to push me in a wheel chair because I let diabetes take my feet (I don't currently have diabetes but does run in the family).6 -
I watch my 600lbs life all the time....and I am astounded at how many of them are married and/or have a S.O.
I have plenty of friends that are a little overweight and can't find a decent guy, but the 600 lbs men and women can pull them a husband and S.O. and they seem to be supportive for the most part.0 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »I watch my 600lbs life all the time....and I am astounded at how many of them are married and/or have a S.O.
I have plenty of friends that are a little overweight and can't find a decent guy, but the 600 lbs men and women can pull them a husband and S.O. and they seem to be supportive for the most part.
There's a difference between being supportive and being an enabler, though.
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STLBADGIRL wrote: »I watch my 600lbs life all the time....and I am astounded at how many of them are married and/or have a S.O.
I have plenty of friends that are a little overweight and can't find a decent guy, but the 600 lbs men and women can pull them a husband and S.O. and they seem to be supportive for the most part.
Logistically speaking I'm not sure if it's possible to reach 600 lbs without someone enabling this.5 -
snickerscharlie wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »I watch my 600lbs life all the time....and I am astounded at how many of them are married and/or have a S.O.
I have plenty of friends that are a little overweight and can't find a decent guy, but the 600 lbs men and women can pull them a husband and S.O. and they seem to be supportive for the most part.
There's a difference between being supportive and being an enabler, though.
Very good point....0 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »I watch my 600lbs life all the time....and I am astounded at how many of them are married and/or have a S.O.
I have plenty of friends that are a little overweight and can't find a decent guy, but the 600 lbs men and women can pull them a husband and S.O. and they seem to be supportive for the most part.
Logistically speaking I'm not sure if it's possible to reach 600 lbs without someone enabling this.
In at least one case the enabler was a feeder and left because the feedee started losing weight.1 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »I watch my 600lbs life all the time....and I am astounded at how many of them are married and/or have a S.O.
I have plenty of friends that are a little overweight and can't find a decent guy, but the 600 lbs men and women can pull them a husband and S.O. and they seem to be supportive for the most part.
Yeah, I realllly wouldn't hold those relationships up as a shining example, if the bits and pieces I've seen of the show are any indication!2 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »I watch my 600lbs life all the time....and I am astounded at how many of them are married and/or have a S.O.
I have plenty of friends that are a little overweight and can't find a decent guy, but the 600 lbs men and women can pull them a husband and S.O. and they seem to be supportive for the most part.
Logistically speaking I'm not sure if it's possible to reach 600 lbs without someone enabling this.
In at least one case the enabler was a feeder and left because the feedee started losing weight.
And another where the enabler was afraid his wife would realize he was worthless and leave him if she lost weight. I think he did eventually decide that risking divorce was better than helping her eat herself to death.2 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »I watch my 600lbs life all the time....and I am astounded at how many of them are married and/or have a S.O.
I have plenty of friends that are a little overweight and can't find a decent guy, but the 600 lbs men and women can pull them a husband and S.O. and they seem to be supportive for the most part.
Logistically speaking I'm not sure if it's possible to reach 600 lbs without someone enabling this.
I didn't think about it like that... That is so true...big time enabler. But they still have a S.O/husband which is somewhat shocking to me at that level of obesity...0 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »I watch my 600lbs life all the time....and I am astounded at how many of them are married and/or have a S.O.
I have plenty of friends that are a little overweight and can't find a decent guy, but the 600 lbs men and women can pull them a husband and S.O. and they seem to be supportive for the most part.
Logistically speaking I'm not sure if it's possible to reach 600 lbs without someone enabling this.
I didn't think about it like that... That is so true...big time enabler. But they still have a S.O/husband
LOL - an insight into how my mind works.0 -
heiliskrimsli wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »I watch my 600lbs life all the time....and I am astounded at how many of them are married and/or have a S.O.
I have plenty of friends that are a little overweight and can't find a decent guy, but the 600 lbs men and women can pull them a husband and S.O. and they seem to be supportive for the most part.
Logistically speaking I'm not sure if it's possible to reach 600 lbs without someone enabling this.
In at least one case the enabler was a feeder and left because the feedee started losing weight.
I think I know the epi you are speaking of. I couldn't comprehend it.
But I don't understand how the 600lb person MAKES them cook food that they shouldn't have - when they can't even get up and walk/cook for themselves. They would get what I cooked and the portion that I provided IF I had to cook for them.0 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »I watch my 600lbs life all the time....and I am astounded at how many of them are married and/or have a S.O.
I have plenty of friends that are a little overweight and can't find a decent guy, but the 600 lbs men and women can pull them a husband and S.O. and they seem to be supportive for the most part.
Logistically speaking I'm not sure if it's possible to reach 600 lbs without someone enabling this.
I didn't think about it like that... That is so true...big time enabler. But they still have a S.O/husband which is somewhat shocking to me at that level of obesity...
You'll find all kinds of dysfunctional people hanging on to one another for dear life. It's really not a plus, in many cases 5 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »I watch my 600lbs life all the time....and I am astounded at how many of them are married and/or have a S.O.
I have plenty of friends that are a little overweight and can't find a decent guy, but the 600 lbs men and women can pull them a husband and S.O. and they seem to be supportive for the most part.
Yeah, I realllly wouldn't hold those relationships up as a shining example, if the bits and pieces I've seen of the show are any indication!
Ha, so you think they might be doing it for the cameras?0 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »I watch my 600lbs life all the time....and I am astounded at how many of them are married and/or have a S.O.
I have plenty of friends that are a little overweight and can't find a decent guy, but the 600 lbs men and women can pull them a husband and S.O. and they seem to be supportive for the most part.
Logistically speaking I'm not sure if it's possible to reach 600 lbs without someone enabling this.
I didn't think about it like that... That is so true...big time enabler. But they still have a S.O/husband which is somewhat shocking to me at that level of obesity...
You'll find all kinds of dysfunctional people hanging on to one another for dear life. It's really not a plus, in many cases
Ok, you are right and this makes sense. Whew0 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »I watch my 600lbs life all the time....and I am astounded at how many of them are married and/or have a S.O.
I have plenty of friends that are a little overweight and can't find a decent guy, but the 600 lbs men and women can pull them a husband and S.O. and they seem to be supportive for the most part.
Logistically speaking I'm not sure if it's possible to reach 600 lbs without someone enabling this.
I didn't think about it like that... That is so true...big time enabler. But they still have a S.O/husband which is somewhat shocking to me at that level of obesity...
You'll find all kinds of dysfunctional people hanging on to one another for dear life. It's really not a plus, in many cases
Yes, and this is precisely why some of us here would not tolerate/enable a spouse who began to let him/herself go. It doesn't need to get to the level of super morbid obesity for you to recognize a demoralizing, toxic dynamic forming.2 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »I watch my 600lbs life all the time....and I am astounded at how many of them are married and/or have a S.O.
I have plenty of friends that are a little overweight and can't find a decent guy, but the 600 lbs men and women can pull them a husband and S.O. and they seem to be supportive for the most part.
Yeah, I realllly wouldn't hold those relationships up as a shining example, if the bits and pieces I've seen of the show are any indication!
Ha, so you think they might be doing it for the cameras?
No, I think they are just dysfunctional people in dysfunctional relationships. Some of them are trying to get better, and some of them aren't...0 -
SiegfriedXXL wrote: »Hmmm, I'm not even sure I want to weigh in on this but here goes. When I met my current partner a couple of years ago, he told me, point blank that he wasn't in to "larger" people. So we became friends. Keep in mind, at that time I was well north of 400 and slightly shy of 500. Yikes! Well, things progressed and we grew closer and eventually started a relationship. With a caveat. I needed to lose weight for it to last. Now, before the indignation starts, this had already been on my mind. He has been nothing but supportive of me and I have lost a substantial amount of weight already. My BMI is still nowhere near normal but I have continued to lose weight consistently and that is what he wanted. We both want there to be a day where my weight loss goals are met and we can do EVERYTHING we want to do together, from hang gliding to bungee jumping to cliff diving. It's going to happen and we're in it together. Now, I know that were I to give up my part of this bargain and stop losing weight and stop taking care of myself, our relationship would suffer and he would eventually leave. Honestly, I wouldn't blame him. Partnerships are exactly that. Everyone has to pull their share of the plow.
Everyone has their preferences. I've never dated an older person. I've never dated a larger person. I'm not attracted to either. Call it ironic regarding larger people, but for me, it's true. I wouldn't date a woman either because I'm not attracted to them. We are who we are and we want who we want. I'm not going to disparage anyone just because I am not attracted them and I'm certainly not going to expect someone to be attracted to me just because I'm attracted to them.
So yes, my ex military, very fit, attractive partner sticks by me while I'm losing the weight, despite his preference. That's his choice. Not many people would make that choice and no should be expected to. He's happy, I'm happy, and that's what matters. If one or the other of us were not happy, I wouldn't expect either of us to stay even though we're two years in.
Anyway, that's my two cents.
I think there's a difference when one changes from fit to fat after in a relationship though than someone who basically gives you an ultimatum to start a relationship. Good for you for deciding to make a change though
I'm sorry but I don't see it as an ultimatum. Neither one of us were invested at that point and it would have been just as easy for me to flip him the bird and say "let me live my life, you shallow piece of trash." He was coming at me from an area of total concern. Why would he want to be with someone who's life expectancy would be severely shortened should they maintain their current weight? Yes, he prefers fit people but that was only one of the factors for him to talk to me about weight loss. In fact, during the short time we were "just friends" he talked about me losing weight. Honestly, before my health crisis, I had felt that being fat was my fate and unchangeable.
Now I know differently.
Anyway, thanks for your comment, but again, an ultimatum implies I had no choice, and I most certainly did.6 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »SiegfriedXXL wrote: »Hmmm, I'm not even sure I want to weigh in on this but here goes. When I met my current partner a couple of years ago, he told me, point blank that he wasn't in to "larger" people. So we became friends. Keep in mind, at that time I was well north of 400 and slightly shy of 500. Yikes! Well, things progressed and we grew closer and eventually started a relationship. With a caveat. I needed to lose weight for it to last. Now, before the indignation starts, this had already been on my mind. He has been nothing but supportive of me and I have lost a substantial amount of weight already. My BMI is still nowhere near normal but I have continued to lose weight consistently and that is what he wanted. We both want there to be a day where my weight loss goals are met and we can do EVERYTHING we want to do together, from hang gliding to bungee jumping to cliff diving. It's going to happen and we're in it together. Now, I know that were I to give up my part of this bargain and stop losing weight and stop taking care of myself, our relationship would suffer and he would eventually leave. Honestly, I wouldn't blame him. Partnerships are exactly that. Everyone has to pull their share of the plow.
Everyone has their preferences. I've never dated an older person. I've never dated a larger person. I'm not attracted to either. Call it ironic regarding larger people, but for me, it's true. I wouldn't date a woman either because I'm not attracted to them. We are who we are and we want who we want. I'm not going to disparage anyone just because I am not attracted them and I'm certainly not going to expect someone to be attracted to me just because I'm attracted to them.
So yes, my ex military, very fit, attractive partner sticks by me while I'm losing the weight, despite his preference. That's his choice. Not many people would make that choice and no should be expected to. He's happy, I'm happy, and that's what matters. If one or the other of us were not happy, I wouldn't expect either of us to stay even though we're two years in.
Anyway, that's my two cents.
Good for you. It seems like that you both wanted to give the relationship a try. I initially had the twisted lips when he gave you an ultimatum, but as you stated, it was needed, he was honest and up front with you, and this is something that you wanted yourself. Good for you for taking stock in yourself, health, and relationship. And you are right, despite his preference, he made a choice to be with you. I am one that believe you can have the best of both worlds with clear communication, mutual respect, a little of patience and a lot of effort.
I absolutely agree with you and thank you. As I told the other poster, I don't view it as an ultimatum, because it implies that I couldn't choose to tell him to take a hike. When we had our conversation about this, I knew he was motivated by caring for me and my future health and not just his future ability to get his jollies from my hot or not body. He's not a shallow individual. He just had his preferences and suspended them because I'm amazing. 14 -
SiegfriedXXL wrote: »an ultimatum implies I had no choice, and I most certainly did.
I'm not the poster you were responding to, but I don't understand an ultimatum to mean you had no choice at all. An ultimatum is simply a statement of consequence -- if you do/don't do this, this is the consequence. Here, the consequence seems like it would have been no relationship.
And for the record, I didn't see the original thread, but it makes sense to me, and I can quite easily see it as coming from a place of concern, as well as a legitimate feeling that your commitment to taking positive steps would be necessary for a relationship.2
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