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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
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STLBADGIRL wrote: »
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We have different ideas and definitions of 'in love'....so I disagree with you on requiring a sexual attraction.
May I ask then what is the difference between being in love and having a close friend or even brotherly love? I have a couple of female friends and a guy friend I am very comfortable with, have very many things in common, can openly talk to them, have common interests. One of my girl friends, I could very easily see myself living together, knowing she will be there for me whenever I needed her, us never ever getting on each other's nerves, having common interests, from professional interests to books we read to the kind of gym we would use, we laugh together, we understand each other, we have shared things no one else knows, and this friendship has lasted decades, many times long distance. Still, I am not "in love" with her, because I am not attracted to women. As having sex is not something that was ever an option. If I was single (she currently is) I could totally see myself moving in with her and knowing I could never ask for a better roommate/companion/"adopted" family. But, we are not in love, the thought is as disgusting as asking me if I am in love with my brother.
How do you define being in love, without attraction? I am not asking if a marriage is possible without attraction, it sure is, it was/is the norm for extended periods of time in human history at different places and cultures. But chosing a husband because he can provide, or because he has a sense of humour, or because he treats you good, without any desire to have sex with him, this is not being in love, is it?
I will go more in depth later...I'm at work and peeking in and out. But a short version. I don't think love is 1 dimensional as it may seem to others. I think there are a lot of variables and deminsions. Just like I have lusted and been attracted to men and sexually attracted to them and did not care to have a romantic long loving lasting relationship. Other dudes I have found irresistible and have been drawn in and heavily invested in and it had nothing to do with their physical looks, but I felt a certain way around them that was mesmerizing and that's the way it is now with my guy. We do it for each other and he wasn't my ideal type.....but my ideal type where fine, physically attractive bad boys that drove me freakin nuts! So I had to open myself up, because the men I liked weren't necessary good for me or my sanity.1 -
To get back to the OP, I think these are the sort of hard questions more people need to ask before they get married.
What are your values in a long term relationship? .. Physical attraction, fitness, a healthy sexual relationship, long-term commitment, a ride or die approach, financial security?
Do your values align with your prospective mates? And if not, are you prepared to commit to fulfilling your mate's needs, even if they are not your own? This goes for both in the relationship.7 -
What I learned from this thread:
One of these two women has bad body odor from her rolls and folds of fat, doesn't take care of herself at all, is good in bed because she's bouncy and motivated, but is bad in bed because she lacks stamina and endurance and flexibility, is lazy, has bad lifestyle and value choices, and is unworthy of marriage.
The other one is somehow fine and acceptable. The question is, which one?
You look absolutely great in both!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm just going to play along... Now is this supposed man a Boobie man? Because the Boobie man would want the woman on the left (I am joking of course....)
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http://www.cosmopolitan.com/politics/a8646265/donald-trump-melania-trump-relationship-timeline/: Melania makes an appearance at New York University. A student asks if her husband weren't rich, would she still be with him. She replies, "If I weren't beautiful, do you think he'd be with me?"
On the other hand, here are some kittens with an otter:
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@STLBADGIRL that could just be a perspective on my posing
but my BMI in one picture is 24.3 and it's 26.6 int the other!
Also thank you
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@STLBADGIRL that could just be a perspective on my posing but my BMI in one picture is 24.3 and it's 26.6 int the other!
Also thank you
great summary of the thread. on point
and great visual for the bmi police4 -
WinoGelato wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »lemurcat12 wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »is this a case of - the more people have going for them, the more preferences they hold?
Just a thought.
So your suggestion is that only someone without stuff going for them would stay with a spouse who gained a few lbs and became a 25 BMI?
Because no one in this thread has actually been talking about initial attraction.
The higher your market value the more you can be picky yourself. It's how the whole thing works.
So in your world, market value is determined solely by outward appearance and BMI.
Right, not how much money you make, the genetics you bring to the table, intelligence, good character, pleasant to be around...?
And apparently this so called market value is objective?
In any case, market value seems like a strange phrase. Unless you're trying to pay a competitive rate for a hooker
Sans inner monologue? I suffer from the same condition.
The struggle is real!1 -
Double post1
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What I learned from this thread:
One of these two women has bad body odor from her rolls and folds of fat, doesn't take care of herself at all, is good in bed because she's bouncy and motivated, but is bad in bed because she lacks stamina and endurance and flexibility, is lazy, has bad lifestyle and value choices, and is unworthy of marriage.
The other one is somehow fine and acceptable. The question is, which one?
The one on the left appears playful, impulsive, devil-may-care, and fun-loving (with a penchant for lutefisk?).
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mom23mangos wrote: »
And in your story? This is not love, sorry. It is a confused guy looking for a partner, a friend, a companion. But being "in love" requires sexual attraction to start with. I am not saying it is all about the attraction. But without it, it is not "in love". It is a close friend, a soulmate even, but not a lover.
I think we need a new thread for this one.....but what is being said above. It's why I've never understood the whole 'Friends With Benefits' relationship. Isn't a friend that you want to bump uglies with the very definition of a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse? If you like and admire someone, but are not physically attracted to them, you have a friend. If you like and admire someone and you want to jump their bones and they feel the same way...you have a romantic relationship.
Maybe I'm just too old and too married to understand.
This meme was up until 2015 - No telling how it is from 2017 to now...
But yes, the definition you described above is outdated.
Friends With Benefits - a person you desire not to be in a relationship with but you can count on the for sex. This could even be an ex.
Boyfriend - He could be the man dude you are smashing on a regular, or someone you have actually settled down with.
Romantic Relationship - You can be a mistress and be in a romantic relationship or all the above.
Friend - There should be no sexual contact.
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What I learned from this thread:
One of these two women has bad body odor from her rolls and folds of fat, doesn't take care of herself at all, is good in bed because she's bouncy and motivated, but is bad in bed because she lacks stamina and endurance and flexibility, is lazy, has bad lifestyle and value choices, and is unworthy of marriage.
The other one is somehow fine and acceptable. The question is, which one?
The one on the left appears playful, impulsive, devil-may-care, and fun-loving (with a penchant of lutefisk?).
But both of them are wearing cute glasses
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So in ads determined by current discussions on MFP, I looked some at t-shirts (completely unrelated) I might add to my sister's birthday present next week, and came back to MFP with the following as the main ad on my page:
Nice to know BigTshirt is watching.18 -
What I learned from this thread:
One of these two women has bad body odor from her rolls and folds of fat, doesn't take care of herself at all, is good in bed because she's bouncy and motivated, but is bad in bed because she lacks stamina and endurance and flexibility, is lazy, has bad lifestyle and value choices, and is unworthy of marriage.
The other one is somehow fine and acceptable. The question is, which one?
No, LOL. You exaggerate a bit here! One poster's cut off is a BMI of 25. That's just one person's preference. (And I have no problem with anybody's sexual preference - that's their business.) The rest of us who would have a problem with a spouse's weight gain didn't specify a specific target. It's more of a know it when you see it kind of thing. I personally can handle a little overweight, although it's not my preference, but full out obesity is just not my thing. I don't think anybody said that people with a BMI of 25 have stinky fat folds, either. I'm pretty sure that was in reference to morbidly obese persons. I didn't make that particular statement, though, since I have no idea if it's true or not. The people on My 600 pound life talk about it being a problem, though...SO yeah, I think for the most part when people are talking about their spouse getting fat, most of us aren't talking about borderline overweight BMI's. LOL... 2 -
Therealobi1 wrote: »heiliskrimsli wrote: »lemurcat12 wrote: »SpotLighttt wrote: »is this a case of - the more people have going for them, the more preferences they hold?
Just a thought.
So your suggestion is that only someone without stuff going for them would stay with a spouse who gained a few lbs and became a 25 BMI?
Because no one in this thread has actually been talking about initial attraction.
The higher your market value the more you can be picky yourself. It's how the whole thing works.
how high is your market value
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I think your S/O has as much of a right to be happy in the relationship as you do, and it's normal and natural to want to be physically attracted to your partner.
So yeah- as long as they don't belittle you and address the issue of your weight with firm kindness, I don't see anything wrong with them telling you that your weight is affecting their relationship satisfaction and that you need to change.
That being said, you aren't obligated to change for anyone but that might mean that the relationship is over4 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »So the one's that that said they would leave the relationship - is it because you think being overly too big or overyly too thin is a choice and self inflicted?
Well beyond very serious and fairly uncommon illness/conditions it IS a choice. So yes.
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HoldTheDoor13 wrote: »I think your S/O has as much of a right to be happy in the relationship as you do, and it's normal and natural to want to be physically attracted to your partner.
So yeah- as long as they don't belittle you and address the issue of your weight with firm kindness, I don't see anything wrong with them telling you that your weight is affecting their relationship satisfaction and that you need to change.
That being said, you aren't obligated to change for anyone but that might mean that the relationship is over
Yep.HoldTheDoor13 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »So the one's that that said they would leave the relationship - is it because you think being overly too big or overyly too thin is a choice and self inflicted?
Well beyond very serious and fairly uncommon illness/conditions it IS a choice. So yes.
Someone with Prader-Willi wouldn't be a relationship candidate for me anyway because of the very unequal footing mentally.2 -
Hmmm, I'm not even sure I want to weigh in on this but here goes. When I met my current partner a couple of years ago, he told me, point blank that he wasn't in to "larger" people. So we became friends. Keep in mind, at that time I was well north of 400 and slightly shy of 500. Yikes! Well, things progressed and we grew closer and eventually started a relationship. With a caveat. I needed to lose weight for it to last. Now, before the indignation starts, this had already been on my mind. He has been nothing but supportive of me and I have lost a substantial amount of weight already. My BMI is still nowhere near normal but I have continued to lose weight consistently and that is what he wanted. We both want there to be a day where my weight loss goals are met and we can do EVERYTHING we want to do together, from hang gliding to bungee jumping to cliff diving. It's going to happen and we're in it together. Now, I know that were I to give up my part of this bargain and stop losing weight and stop taking care of myself, our relationship would suffer and he would eventually leave. Honestly, I wouldn't blame him. Partnerships are exactly that. Everyone has to pull their share of the plow.
Everyone has their preferences. I've never dated an older person. I've never dated a larger person. I'm not attracted to either. Call it ironic regarding larger people, but for me, it's true. I wouldn't date a woman either because I'm not attracted to them. We are who we are and we want who we want. I'm not going to disparage anyone just because I am not attracted them and I'm certainly not going to expect someone to be attracted to me just because I'm attracted to them.
So yes, my ex military, very fit, attractive partner sticks by me while I'm losing the weight, despite his preference. That's his choice. Not many people would make that choice and no should be expected to. He's happy, I'm happy, and that's what matters. If one or the other of us were not happy, I wouldn't expect either of us to stay even though we're two years in.
Anyway, that's my two cents.19 -
SiegfriedXXL wrote: »Hmmm, I'm not even sure I want to weigh in on this but here goes. When I met my current partner a couple of years ago, he told me, point blank that he wasn't in to "larger" people. So we became friends. Keep in mind, at that time I was well north of 400 and slightly shy of 500. Yikes! Well, things progressed and we grew closer and eventually started a relationship. With a caveat. I needed to lose weight for it to last. Now, before the indignation starts, this had already been on my mind. He has been nothing but supportive of me and I have lost a substantial amount of weight already. My BMI is still nowhere near normal but I have continued to lose weight consistently and that is what he wanted. We both want there to be a day where my weight loss goals are met and we can do EVERYTHING we want to do together, from hang gliding to bungee jumping to cliff diving. It's going to happen and we're in it together. Now, I know that were I to give up my part of this bargain and stop losing weight and stop taking care of myself, our relationship would suffer and he would eventually leave. Honestly, I wouldn't blame him. Partnerships are exactly that. Everyone has to pull their share of the plow.
Everyone has their preferences. I've never dated an older person. I've never dated a larger person. I'm not attracted to either. Call it ironic regarding larger people, but for me, it's true. I wouldn't date a woman either because I'm not attracted to them. We are who we are and we want who we want. I'm not going to disparage anyone just because I am not attracted them and I'm certainly not going to expect someone to be attracted to me just because I'm attracted to them.
So yes, my ex military, very fit, attractive partner sticks by me while I'm losing the weight, despite his preference. That's his choice. Not many people would make that choice and no should be expected to. He's happy, I'm happy, and that's what matters. If one or the other of us were not happy, I wouldn't expect either of us to stay even though we're two years in.
Anyway, that's my two cents.
I think there's a difference when one changes from fit to fat after in a relationship though than someone who basically gives you an ultimatum to start a relationship. Good for you for deciding to make a change though2 -
SiegfriedXXL wrote: »Hmmm, I'm not even sure I want to weigh in on this but here goes. When I met my current partner a couple of years ago, he told me, point blank that he wasn't in to "larger" people. So we became friends. Keep in mind, at that time I was well north of 400 and slightly shy of 500. Yikes! Well, things progressed and we grew closer and eventually started a relationship. With a caveat. I needed to lose weight for it to last. Now, before the indignation starts, this had already been on my mind. He has been nothing but supportive of me and I have lost a substantial amount of weight already. My BMI is still nowhere near normal but I have continued to lose weight consistently and that is what he wanted. We both want there to be a day where my weight loss goals are met and we can do EVERYTHING we want to do together, from hang gliding to bungee jumping to cliff diving. It's going to happen and we're in it together. Now, I know that were I to give up my part of this bargain and stop losing weight and stop taking care of myself, our relationship would suffer and he would eventually leave. Honestly, I wouldn't blame him. Partnerships are exactly that. Everyone has to pull their share of the plow.
Everyone has their preferences. I've never dated an older person. I've never dated a larger person. I'm not attracted to either. Call it ironic regarding larger people, but for me, it's true. I wouldn't date a woman either because I'm not attracted to them. We are who we are and we want who we want. I'm not going to disparage anyone just because I am not attracted them and I'm certainly not going to expect someone to be attracted to me just because I'm attracted to them.
So yes, my ex military, very fit, attractive partner sticks by me while I'm losing the weight, despite his preference. That's his choice. Not many people would make that choice and no should be expected to. He's happy, I'm happy, and that's what matters. If one or the other of us were not happy, I wouldn't expect either of us to stay even though we're two years in.
Anyway, that's my two cents.
Good for you. It seems like that you both wanted to give the relationship a try. I initially had the twisted lips when he gave you an ultimatum, but as you stated, it was needed, he was honest and up front with you, and this is something that you wanted yourself. Good for you for taking stock in yourself, health, and relationship. And you are right, despite his preference, he made a choice to be with you. I am one that believe you can have the best of both worlds with clear communication, mutual respect, a little of patience and a lot of effort.
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