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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
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CatchMom13 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »CatchMom13 wrote: »My husbands has always been extremely loving towards me regardless of my size. I had an issue with my size, not him. However, after 100 lbs lost, he can't keep his hands off of me. But I don't attribute that to my weight but more so because I purposefully entice him more and allow him to get handsy. Any time he would try to get handsy before, I would squirm out of it because I felt uncomfortable being touched. Now, I'll strut around the house naked like it ain't no thang! He loves it! What he loves though is the confidence that I have in myself again.
He would love me at any size, and has for a long time. I'm a different story.
Now do I think that a spouse has a right to say something. Absolutely! If it's done constructively and for the right reasons. Time is going is going to change us, all of us - it's inevitable! However, we can't overlook what time may have done and ultimately ignore what's more important - our health.
For instance, my husband is slender with the exception that he has a belly, and I have no problem with that. However, belly fat is a major contributor to heart disease. My husband also has hypertension. I don't care that he has a belly - I love that belly. However, that belly could one day be what leads to my husband needing open heart surgery and I'm not willing to risk it. So guess what, I had an honest conversation with him and our doctor and we came up with a plan, together. He has started going to the gym regularly and working on getting rid of that belly.
This is awesome. Thanks for sharing. I used to squirm at the touch of my back rolls. And my SO told me if "I" was not comfy with it then I needed to work on that...LOL
I can just imagine the tone that was taken with that as well.
Now had he/she said "I love you just the way that you are, but if you're not happy, then you should work towards making YOU happy" that'd be different. The response you received sounded more to me like "that's YOUR issue, not mine." I'm sorry for that too - no one deserves that.
It's very much about wording and tone. It gives us away, all the time! I understand that supposedly some people may be ignorant to their own tone, but I don't know how much I buy that. When I'm giving someone a snarky tone, I KNOW it because it's likely intentional. If it's not intentional, I still am able to sense my own tone, own it and apologize for it.
@CatchMom13 I didn't take offence to it, because that is his personality. Early in our relationship we bumped heads a lot because of how direct he is...but now that I know him - he is a very loving and supportive person. He has gotten me Personal Trainers, joined the gym with me, changed his eating habits, got me into lifting and all...But he feels like if a person is unhappy with themselves whether it be weight or anything else - fix it. He is not the one to join in on the pity wagon - his motto is if you don't like something or you are uncomfortable with something you have the power to change it. I can't do anything but respect that.5 -
LivingtheLeanDream wrote: »I've been able to share my weight loss journey with my husband until about 6 months ago... then I dropped some more weight (on purpose) and now I can't share the number on the scale with him as he thinks I'm too thin. (I'm not).
@LivingtheLeanDream - Does this bother you that you can't share this part of your journey with him?1 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »LivingtheLeanDream wrote: »I've been able to share my weight loss journey with my husband until about 6 months ago... then I dropped some more weight (on purpose) and now I can't share the number on the scale with him as he thinks I'm too thin. (I'm not).
@LivingtheLeanDream - Does this bother you that you can't share this part of your journey with him?
Well I've actually been in maintenance for almost 5 years, he was happy for the first 4.5 yrs until I decided I'd drop more vanity pounds... I think he just doesn't want me to be 'obsessed' with weight and get too thin looking. So, no it doesn't bother me, I have one good MFP friend who I can share my weight loss ups and downs with so I'm fine with that. Hubby actually keeps an eye on his weight but doesn't have to try overly hard to maintain his weight.0 -
iWishMyNameWasRebel wrote: »It depends. If it is truly a health issue that your spouse is ignoring, then working on it together may be in order, like you would do with any other health issue. It truly depends on your spouse. For example, if your spouse smokes and has told you point blank not to bother him with it because it just pushes him further away from quitting, then that is your conversation and you've had it. You cannot control everything your mate chooses to do.
You really have to know your mate and know when the right, and wrong time, is to discuss something. And know how to do it. And know when to just shut up and deal.
Smoking is an interesting example because for me, it is a deal breaker. Smoking is a behavior (however hard to change) that is within someone's control, much like weight. My fiance stopped smoking a few months before we met, and he knows that if he starts smoking again, there's going to be a big problem. I don't like smoking, or the health risks that come with it. That said, I didn't start dating him while he was still smoking, so I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him not to start up smoking again. If someone was overweight/obese when they met their partner, I think it's unreasonable to expect them to change, but if they were at a healthy weight when they met, I don't think that expecting them not to gain a significant amount of weight (50-70+, excluding pregnancy weight) is unreasonable, either.
We marry our partners for who they are in the moment and who we can logically and reasonably expect them to become. Gaining a little weight over the years, losing that six pack, no longer rock climbing on the weekends, etc. is reasonable; gaining 250 pounds is not.3 -
I think it shouldn't be a matter of pure weight by the numbers or body shape, I think it should be a matter of health. If my SO was getting towards an unhealthy weight (too high OR too low), I would definitely say something to them. I care about their health and I want them to be healthy, which means being a healthy weight. So yes, I would say something.0
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NO. I love my wife and, if she is struggling with weight or diet, I wouldn't think pointing out my perceived issues of her self image, would be helpful. What would be helpful is giving her a good example. Taking a responsibility in preparing healthy meals and adding some healthy activities to OUR life.15
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TheRoadDog wrote: »NO. I love my wife and, if she is struggling with weight or diet, I wouldn't think pointing out my perceived issues of her self image, would be helpful. What would be helpful is giving her a good example. Taking a responsibility in preparing healthy meals and adding some healthy activities to OUR life.
I agree with you. My husband and I do this for each other. We agreed before we got married that if one of us came to be an unhealthy weight we would work together to change it. Now that my size 12 jeans feel a little tight and I've gained and lost the same 10 lbs a few times I'm more serious about changing things. He tells me how beautiful I am and suggests high protein meals / healthy snacks1 -
TheRoadDog wrote: »NO. I love my wife and, if she is struggling with weight or diet, I wouldn't think pointing out my perceived issues of her self image, would be helpful. What would be helpful is giving her a good example. Taking a responsibility in preparing healthy meals and adding some healthy activities to OUR life.
I like this so much!!!0 -
My husband and I have never told the other person that they're fat. We have, however, encouraged each other to "do better". If I'm being lazy or slacking on my eating habits, he'll throw out a comment like "are you sure you want to skip working out, it's only 30 minutes?" or "are you sure you want those cookies, you said you wanted to eat less sweets". While some people might take those comments in a negative way, I appreciate them. I am my own worst enemy and sometimes I need those reminders that keep me on track. He always tells me I'm beautiful and has never made me feel unwanted, but he wants me to be happy in my own skin (which I'm not) and he knows I need a little push every now and then.
I don't really have to do that for him because he naturally loves being active and his metabolism is amazing so he can eat a lot. But I will encourage better eating habits and sometimes he even asks me to help because his self control isn't the best sometimes. LOL.6 -
My husband and I have never told the other person that they're fat. We have, however, encouraged each other to "do better". If I'm being lazy or slacking on my eating habits, he'll throw out a comment like "are you sure you want to skip working out, it's only 30 minutes?" or "are you sure you want those cookies, you said you wanted to eat less sweets". While some people might take those comments in a negative way, I appreciate them. I am my own worst enemy and sometimes I need those reminders that keep me on track. He always tells me I'm beautiful and has never made me feel unwanted, but he wants me to be happy in my own skin (which I'm not) and he knows I need a little push every now and then.
I don't really have to do that for him because he naturally loves being active and his metabolism is amazing so he can eat a lot. But I will encourage better eating habits and sometimes he even asks me to help because his self control isn't the best sometimes. LOL.
This seems pretty cool. This journey and lifestyle is so much easier and better when one of your favorite people supports you!0 -
See I feel it depends on how you approach it. I had an ex who was not very in shape at all himself, but he would always tell me I was too fat (I was a size zero at the time) So I lost more weight for him, was bulimic and anorexic for a long time, and only felt comfortable with myself once me and him were over. My boyfriend as of now likes thicker woman.. I'm currently a size 8 and he's never complained about my weight. Only recently have I decided it's time to lose weight because I'm not comfortable with how I look myself. I've lost 20 pounds and I'm trying to lose more. I asked him today if he was happy I was going to get skinny again and he said "No, I like you how you are now and I don't want you to change, but if it makes you happy then I'll be happy with it." I feel like thats how a S.O. should act about it. I think if it's a health issue or if your S.O. is not happy because of their own weight then it's time to say something and you should encourage them to be more fit. The best way I see to do that is by setting an example. Since I've lost the 20 pounds I've noticed my bf losing weight, my friend who has always been a plus size girl can finally go shopping in the normal sizes again, my best friend has jumped back on her diet, and my mom has lost a size as well because when people close to you start being healthy it makes you want to join in too. Especially when that person is a S.O. who would otherwise be bringing junk food around the house and joining in on lazy netflix binges instead of suggesting a green smoothie and workout. Start by insisting they come join you on a bike ride or start by bringing some healthy meal ideas to the table.2
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alexisgonzal wrote: »See I feel it depends on how you approach it. I had an ex who was not very in shape at all himself, but he would always tell me I was too fat (I was a size zero at the time) So I lost more weight for him, was bulimic and anorexic for a long time, and only felt comfortable with myself once me and him were over. My boyfriend as of now likes thicker woman.. I'm currently a size 8 and he's never complained about my weight. Only recently have I decided it's time to lose weight because I'm not comfortable with how I look myself. I've lost 20 pounds and I'm trying to lose more. I asked him today if he was happy I was going to get skinny again and he said "No, I like you how you are now and I don't want you to change, but if it makes you happy then I'll be happy with it." I feel like thats how a S.O. should act about it. I think if it's a health issue or if your S.O. is not happy because of their own weight then it's time to say something and you should encourage them to be more fit. The best way I see to do that is by setting an example. Since I've lost the 20 pounds I've noticed my bf losing weight, my friend who has always been a plus size girl can finally go shopping in the normal sizes again, my best friend has jumped back on her diet, and my mom has lost a size as well because when people close to you start being healthy it makes you want to join in too. Especially when that person is a S.O. who would otherwise be bringing junk food around the house and joining in on lazy netflix binges instead of suggesting a green smoothie and workout. Start by insisting they come join you on a bike ride or start by bringing some healthy meal ideas to the table.
@alexisgonzal - It's great that you have impacted the people around you to be healthier.0 -
I'm always skeptical of anyone who feels the need to tell someone else they're fat. I've never met a fat person who wasn't perfectly aware that they were fat, including me. You cannot make someone else change their life. I think IF someone has a genuine concern for their partner's health, then there's a good way to approach it, e.g. "I think we both could eat a little healthier" or "Would you like to take a walk after dinner?" Unhelpful comments like "Are you eating again?" or "Look at how big your butt's getting" deserve the response they get.8
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There is a difference in gaining/losing a few pounds, or having changed your overall behaviors that have caused weight change. Whether you have lost focus on being healthy and active and have gained a significant amount of weight or become excessively obsessed with dieting and become too thin.... it is the behavior, attitude and mindset that may be more alarming than the physical appearance. When this happens it should be expected for your loved one to step in and address it. If not them, then who cares enough? The truth hurts and that won’t change because we are human... we personalize emotionally. Especially with weight. In the same sense of addressing this... that spouse should be right by your side mentally, emotionally, and physically to help make the necessary changes to becoming a happier and healthier “one”1
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TheRoadDog wrote: »NO. I love my wife and, if she is struggling with weight or diet, I wouldn't think pointing out my perceived issues of her self image, would be helpful. What would be helpful is giving her a good example. Taking a responsibility in preparing healthy meals and adding some healthy activities to OUR life.
YOU are a keeper! And you can tell her I said so!
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positivepowers wrote: »TheRoadDog wrote: »NO. I love my wife and, if she is struggling with weight or diet, I wouldn't think pointing out my perceived issues of her self image, would be helpful. What would be helpful is giving her a good example. Taking a responsibility in preparing healthy meals and adding some healthy activities to OUR life.
YOU are a keeper! And you can tell her I said so!
@positivepowers - Yea!1 -
It's baffling to me that people think their mate SHOULDN'T have anything to say about their weight. It's not like it doesn't impact their lives, too.3
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There is a big difference between having a say and "dictating" someone's habits. I am 55 and my partner is 64 so the perspective has shifted. We encourage each other to stay fit and lose weight because we have a long-term vested interest in each other. Our philosophy is "grow old with me the best is get to come" not just grow old.5
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STLBADGIRL wrote: »Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?
I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.
Not demands, but one must be honest. Dr Willard Harley talks about emotional needs in his book "His Needs, Her Needs"
Having an attractive spouse is as much a valid emotional need as is having an honest spouse, or a spouse who will engage enthusiastically in conversation, or recreation or sex, or a whole host of needs.
One cannot DEMAND it, but it's not illegitimate to say that they are turned off by what someone is doing if they are not staying in shape.
If find little difference in the turn-off potential of a spouse who lets the emotional part of the relationship go by never dating, never sharing affection, never engaging in conversation and the turn-off potential of a spouse who doubles their body weight because they never exercise and make poor/selfish choices when it comes to nutrition.
The most damaging thing in a relationship is the expectation of unconditional love. Couples don't decide to marry because of a lack of conditions. If you really wanted unconditional relationships, then anyone would do.
You didn't just marry anyone. You married someone who met your emotional needs. Checked enough boxes on your checklist. In other words, they met the conditions you established for a spouse.
To then expect that person to unconditionally love you is one-sided and selfish.1 -
A conversation I've just had with hubby:
Me: Babe can you get me my water from the fridge please?
Him: Get it yourself you fat f**k
Me: Can you roll me off of the bed then please?
Him: You've got more rolls than a bakery
I believe that honesty is best in these situations and although we do laugh and joke about being fat we do both know it and are on this journey together. In my opinion, if you are concerned about your partners health (or vice versa) then you should address that issue but assure your loved one that you still find them attractive and love them no less but you are becoming concerned for their health and you are trying to look out for them.7 -
tbright1965 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »The most damaging thing in a relationship is the expectation of unconditional love. Couples don't decide to marry because of a lack of conditions. If you really wanted unconditional relationships, then anyone would do.
You didn't just marry anyone. You married someone who met your emotional needs. Checked enough boxes on your checklist. In other words, they met the conditions you established for a spouse.
To then expect that person to unconditionally love you is one-sided and selfish.
When you enter a relationship you don't automatically expect the other person to love you unconditionally from the first date. You develop a pattern of actions together overtime, putting each other before everything else. You start saying "We" instead of "I". That's what unconditional love is. It's the two of you deciding that your bond is the most precious gift in the world and doing everything you can together to protect it and nourish it. To me, the "checklist" logic is naive. If I had just been looking for someone to check off some boxes I could have settled for anyone with a penis and a brain. Unconditional love is the least selfish thing you can do, you are literally giving up the ability to only care about yourself, and instead promising to put your partnership before everything else. I consider my partners happiness, health, safety, emotions, etc. constantly, in everything I do. They are as important to me as my own. In that way, "I" don't even exist anymore the way I did when I was single.
With that said, I believe his body is his. He lives in it. I don't go to other peoples homes and tell them how to decorate. He shows me the same courtesy by not policing my body either. Our health is a different topic though. If he told me that he wants me to be a healthier weight so we can grow old together, I'd do it because it benefits both of us. I'd expect the same from him. To me that has nothing to do with "attractiveness".
Both of our looks have changed since we met and will continue to change as we age, but that doesn't effect how attracted we are to each other at all. I'm very in love with him. If he quadrupled his body weight I'd love him and still be attracted to him. If he turned green and his dick fell off, I'd still love him and would still be attracted to him. Nothing he could do to his "outside" would ever make him any less attractive to me because he's a lovely, caring, smart, kind, wonderful person and I choose to love him everyday.
If you're "turned off" by someone who's gained weight, I'd argue that you were never attracted to the parts of them that matter to begin with.0 -
If you're "turned off" by someone who's gained weight, I'd argue that you were never attracted to the parts of them that matter to begin with.
That's the thing about human beings. Not only is their body theirs, but also their minds, their preferences.
You don't get to decide for another what really matters. So you can say and believe all you want regarding what "should" and "shouldn't" matter. But, if they are really a whole individual, they get to have a set of what matters and what doesn't that may not correspond with your list.
And that's ok. If it's not, do you really love that person, or just love the image of them you have determined they "should" be?
Be careful how you answer. You may find that your love has conditions after all. Imposing a view of what matters is a form of conditions, and therefore, not unconditional, but rather conditional love.
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tbright1965 wrote: »
Not demands, but one must be honest. Dr Willard Harley talks about emotional needs in his book "His Needs, Her Needs"
Having an attractive spouse is as much a valid emotional need as is having an honest spouse, or a spouse who will engage enthusiastically in conversation, or recreation or sex, or a whole host of needs.
One cannot DEMAND it, but it's not illegitimate to say that they are turned off by what someone is doing if they are not staying in shape.
If find little difference in the turn-off potential of a spouse who lets the emotional part of the relationship go by never dating, never sharing affection, never engaging in conversation and the turn-off potential of a spouse who doubles their body weight because they never exercise and make poor/selfish choices when it comes to nutrition.
The most damaging thing in a relationship is the expectation of unconditional love. Couples don't decide to marry because of a lack of conditions. If you really wanted unconditional relationships, then anyone would do.
You didn't just marry anyone. You married someone who met your emotional needs. Checked enough boxes on your checklist. In other words, they met the conditions you established for a spouse.
To then expect that person to unconditionally love you is one-sided and selfish.
I need coffee before I respond to this. Some I agree with, but I disagree with unconditional love being “selfish” in a marriage. I will be back on this one.0 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »
I need coffee before I respond to this. Some I agree with, but I disagree with unconditional love being “selfish” in a marriage. I will be back on this one.
Selfish is my characterization based on my understanding of what unconditional love really is. It's essentially love me regardless what I do. If you have an affair, I have to love you because unconditional love. If you abuse me, I have to love you because you expect unconditional love.
Obviously, love isn't unconditional. If you abuse me or cheat on me, you destroy any romantic love I might have had for you.
(Not you specifically, just an example here.)
But don't take my word for it. Read Dr Harley himself:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_ul.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_ul2.html
Even on the emotional need for an attractive spouse:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3330_att.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5502_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5502b_qa.html
I'd encourage you to read the first two paragraphs of his response in the second letter.
The need for an attractive spouse is no less valid than the need for a spouse who is a recreational partner, or engages in conversation, or sex, or earns a living, or picks up after themselves, and so on.
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I think a spouse/partner can definitely voice their opinion of the others physical body and health. My husband and I have been married since we were young and have 2 teenagers. I love that my husband is just as attracted to me now as he was when we met. I like looking and feeling attractive. I like that my husband feels the same. I want us both to live long and healthy lives. I believe our marriage would fall apart if one of us was to ever become super morbidly obese but it's more of an issue on health rather than body itself. That's not healthy and to me it's like a slow painful suicide.2
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Being concerned about that person's health is always a reason to discuss something WITH compassion.
HOWEVER..... if you are with someone who criticizes, compares you to others, nags, or demands that you change yourself to what they think you should be, that's a big deal breaker to me. Nobody has the right to 'Demand' that you change your appearance, weight, boob size, hair, or anything else.
You are a beautiful lady. If someone is demanding anything like that, show him the door!
Just my opinion.0 -
you can be concerned about their health but change is part of life, sagging is part of aging so appearance no say1
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I think a small weight gain or loss especially in the setting of depression, pregnancy, or injury should be overlooked. I dont think it is ok to meet someone and you look a certain way, and then get lazy and gain a ton of weight and expect your SO to be happy about it.2
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IMHO, it varies. If one has a history of anorexia, or other eating/ body image disorders, then yes.
If one has fairly honest self image, then provably not.0 -
Yes0
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