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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?

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  • fitmetalmom
    fitmetalmom Posts: 32 Member
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    Honesty is very important. And also a compromise if needed because there may be situations where your S/O -spouse may not like something about you and vice versa.
  • amandastardust89
    amandastardust89 Posts: 26 Member
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    I feel like your HEALTH should be the only concern of your spouse. If you are too big/small and it is affecting you medically, that is always a cause for concern. However, there are right and wrong ways to have that type of conversation.

    If you have just gained a little weight around the holidays, or have yet to lose the baby weight, etc...and your spouse has an issue with the way you look, thats quite hurtful. You chose to be with that person because of who they are on the inside, not their outward appearance.

    I suppose everybody is entitled to feel however they want, but if a little weight gain is a deal breaker for your spouse, they probably didn't care about you that much to begin with. Or, if that is an expectation for them, hopefully you had the discussion early on as not to be a surprise later in your relationship.
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
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    Need2Exerc1se wrote: »
    Bry_Lander wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    mikeb4bjj wrote: »
    JoRocka wrote: »
    mikeb4bjj wrote: »
    Short answer is yes. You owe it to your spouse to make an effort to remain attractive. Time makes this impossible in the long term, but you have to do what is in your power to do.

    Same thing with respect to health. If you are 300 lbs, your spouse has every right to worry about your health.

    um- no- I don't owe it to anyone to "remain" attractive.

    What in the 7th hells is this? no. just. no- no one owes anyone the curtesy of "being pretty" for them. GTFO with that nonsense.

    It's not a courtesy, dearest. It's not a matter of being polite, it's a matter of loving your partner enough to remain someone they want to have sex with and not turn into a sack of *kitten*.

    But by all means, let yourself go. I'm sure it'll feel empowering.

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    I told my husband up front if he got fat we had to have conversations- I would expect the same of him to me. And my husband and are not in "the same league" as it were. he doesn't work out-he doesn't eat well. but he remains as he was when I met him almost a decade ago. I wish to death he'd change his life- but I can't fix that. he doesn't owe me anything except honest and faithfulness. We work through everything else and if we can't come to terms and work it out- then we walk. I'm a big believer in work- but I'm also a realist- people change- and that doesn't make the relationship a failure. If I were to stop working out and "let myself go" I would be in the grips of depression and anxiety and dealing with anger management- I would probably have to be in therapy regularly and probably on drugs to help.

    So "letting myself go" isn't about him not being able to pop a boner- but more about him dealing with someone he cares about struggling with mental illness.

    So no- it's not about "just staying pretty".

    This, to me, is the critical factor in this discussion. What was the condition of that person when you first entered into the relationship? That is the baseline - the expectation moving forward is that the person won't regress (allowing for medical problems, reasonable aging factors, or having children) but also that the person may not improve, either. Regressing from that baseline is fair game for a tactful discussion.

    The same with other negative lifestyle habits/attributes like drinking heavily, bad hygiene, a poor work ethic, insensitivity, etc. It isn't acceptable to wake up one day and find that the person you married is suddenly not good enough anymore due to flaws that were preexisting and known to you.

    I doubt this is the expectation in a lot of relationships. I certainly never thought that my husband would still look like he did in his 20's when we married now that we are aging grandparents. And he doesn't. And if he thought I would still look the same at 55 as I did back then, well, that's too bad for him. Kids, aging, life takes it's toll on a body.

    Neither of us woke up one day to find that we were older and looked it. Those things happened slowly over years of waking up together.

    My husband and I are both making an effort to age well (staying healthy and fit), not just for each other, but for ourselves as individuals. We know we won't look like we did at 25 when we're 75, but that's OK.

    If you stay fit and healthy, you can stay attractive to your partner - just putting the effort in shows your partner that pleasing them is a priority for you. And if pleasing your partner is not a priority, why are you even together?

    So far, keep ourselves fit and active (and all the fun and adventure that comes with it) has been working for us and we are heading toward the beginning of our third decade together, still very much attracted to one another. We won't stay "young" forever, but there's no reason to believe we can't be the best versions of ourselves at every age as we travel through this life.

    I think it's super sexy that my husband is still very hot and fit for his age and he feels the same way about me. In fact, with just a little extra effort, the older you get, the more awesome you get relative to the other people your age who just let themselves go over time... <3

  • STLBADGIRL
    STLBADGIRL Posts: 1,693 Member
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    clicketykeys wrote: »
    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    CircleJerkk wrote: »
    Yes. My husband doesn't want me to get too muscular, and I don't want him to get fat.. so he watches his sugar intake and I watch my calorie intake. I want him to get regular haircuts and he doesn't want mine cut at all. We both comply with each other's wishes, and it's no problem.


    Wow....you two are very considerate of each other. It's great that you both are "willing" to do this for each other.

    I think it's important to be considerate of each other. I don't have any problems with swearing, but my husband finds it distasteful. So as much as possible, I avoid swearing around him. I see this as similar.

    Nobody gains a significant amount of weight overnight. If it gets to the point that it's a problem, and you haven't discussed it? THAT'S the problem.

    I think it is important to be considerate, but I am not going to alter myself totally, just to please another partner. I should be "me" somewhere. My rule of thumb is - Somethings I will change completely, somethings I will compromise on, but others I just will not! My guy struggles with high blood pressure and he hates and criticize when I use salt - and I'm not a big salt eater....but if you can deal with no salt on your eggs, good for you, but do not tell me not to salt my eggs....BUT - I will crank out an extra five reps, but don't mess with my eggs!
  • SabAteNine
    SabAteNine Posts: 1,866 Member
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    I think if one's weight is dangerously high or low, yes. It stops being about preference and it starts being about health. And in a marriage or partnership, one's health has an impact on both.

    That being said, I lost 23 lbs because I felt that I needed it. And I had nothing but fantastic support from my husband (boyfriend at the time). But he never made it a thing before, and he made a point that if I'm uncomfortable with myself, that that's why I should change and not for anything else. Same the other way around. We started with about 20 lbs difference between us and now we are still 20 lbs between, but the other way around :smiley:
  • CatchMom11
    CatchMom11 Posts: 462 Member
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    My husbands has always been extremely loving towards me regardless of my size. I had an issue with my size, not him. However, after 100 lbs lost, he can't keep his hands off of me. But I don't attribute that to my weight but more so because I purposefully entice him more and allow him to get handsy. Any time he would try to get handsy before, I would squirm out of it because I felt uncomfortable being touched. Now, I'll strut around the house naked like it ain't no thang! He loves it! What he loves though is the confidence that I have in myself again.

    He would love me at any size, and has for a long time. I'm a different story.

    Now do I think that a spouse has a right to say something. Absolutely! If it's done constructively and for the right reasons. Time is going is going to change us, all of us - it's inevitable! However, we can't overlook what time may have done and ultimately ignore what's more important - our health.

    For instance, my husband is slender with the exception that he has a belly, and I have no problem with that. However, belly fat is a major contributor to heart disease. My husband also has hypertension. I don't care that he has a belly - I love that belly. However, that belly could one day be what leads to my husband needing open heart surgery and I'm not willing to risk it. So guess what, I had an honest conversation with him and our doctor and we came up with a plan, together. He has started going to the gym regularly and working on getting rid of that belly.
  • STLBADGIRL
    STLBADGIRL Posts: 1,693 Member
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    CatchMom13 wrote: »
    My husbands has always been extremely loving towards me regardless of my size. I had an issue with my size, not him. However, after 100 lbs lost, he can't keep his hands off of me. But I don't attribute that to my weight but more so because I purposefully entice him more and allow him to get handsy. Any time he would try to get handsy before, I would squirm out of it because I felt uncomfortable being touched. Now, I'll strut around the house naked like it ain't no thang! He loves it! What he loves though is the confidence that I have in myself again.

    He would love me at any size, and has for a long time. I'm a different story.

    Now do I think that a spouse has a right to say something. Absolutely! If it's done constructively and for the right reasons. Time is going is going to change us, all of us - it's inevitable! However, we can't overlook what time may have done and ultimately ignore what's more important - our health.

    For instance, my husband is slender with the exception that he has a belly, and I have no problem with that. However, belly fat is a major contributor to heart disease. My husband also has hypertension. I don't care that he has a belly - I love that belly. However, that belly could one day be what leads to my husband needing open heart surgery and I'm not willing to risk it. So guess what, I had an honest conversation with him and our doctor and we came up with a plan, together. He has started going to the gym regularly and working on getting rid of that belly.

    This is awesome. Thanks for sharing. I used to squirm at the touch of my back rolls. And my SO told me if "I" was not comfy with it then I needed to work on that...LOL
  • iWishMyNameWasRebel
    iWishMyNameWasRebel Posts: 174 Member
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    It depends. If it is truly a health issue that your spouse is ignoring, then working on it together may be in order, like you would do with any other health issue. It truly depends on your spouse. For example, if your spouse smokes and has told you point blank not to bother him with it because it just pushes him further away from quitting, then that is your conversation and you've had it. You cannot control everything your mate chooses to do.

    You really have to know your mate and know when the right, and wrong time, is to discuss something. And know how to do it. And know when to just shut up and deal.
  • CatchMom11
    CatchMom11 Posts: 462 Member
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    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    CatchMom13 wrote: »
    My husbands has always been extremely loving towards me regardless of my size. I had an issue with my size, not him. However, after 100 lbs lost, he can't keep his hands off of me. But I don't attribute that to my weight but more so because I purposefully entice him more and allow him to get handsy. Any time he would try to get handsy before, I would squirm out of it because I felt uncomfortable being touched. Now, I'll strut around the house naked like it ain't no thang! He loves it! What he loves though is the confidence that I have in myself again.

    He would love me at any size, and has for a long time. I'm a different story.

    Now do I think that a spouse has a right to say something. Absolutely! If it's done constructively and for the right reasons. Time is going is going to change us, all of us - it's inevitable! However, we can't overlook what time may have done and ultimately ignore what's more important - our health.

    For instance, my husband is slender with the exception that he has a belly, and I have no problem with that. However, belly fat is a major contributor to heart disease. My husband also has hypertension. I don't care that he has a belly - I love that belly. However, that belly could one day be what leads to my husband needing open heart surgery and I'm not willing to risk it. So guess what, I had an honest conversation with him and our doctor and we came up with a plan, together. He has started going to the gym regularly and working on getting rid of that belly.

    This is awesome. Thanks for sharing. I used to squirm at the touch of my back rolls. And my SO told me if "I" was not comfy with it then I needed to work on that...LOL

    I can just imagine the tone that was taken with that as well. :( Now had he/she said "I love you just the way that you are, but if you're not happy, then you should work towards making YOU happy" that'd be different. The response you received sounded more to me like "that's YOUR issue, not mine." I'm sorry for that too - no one deserves that.

    It's very much about wording and tone. It gives us away, all the time! I understand that supposedly some people may be ignorant to their own tone, but I don't know how much I buy that. When I'm giving someone a snarky tone, I KNOW it because it's likely intentional. If it's not intentional, I still am able to sense my own tone, own it and apologize for it.
  • LivingtheLeanDream
    LivingtheLeanDream Posts: 13,345 Member
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    I've been able to share my weight loss journey with my husband until about 6 months ago... then I dropped some more weight (on purpose) and now I can't share the number on the scale with him as he thinks I'm too thin. (I'm not).
  • STLBADGIRL
    STLBADGIRL Posts: 1,693 Member
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    LivingtheLeanDream wrote: »
    I've been able to share my weight loss journey with my husband until about 6 months ago... then I dropped some more weight (on purpose) and now I can't share the number on the scale with him as he thinks I'm too thin. (I'm not).

    @LivingtheLeanDream - Does this bother you that you can't share this part of your journey with him?
  • LivingtheLeanDream
    LivingtheLeanDream Posts: 13,345 Member
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    STLBADGIRL wrote: »
    LivingtheLeanDream wrote: »
    I've been able to share my weight loss journey with my husband until about 6 months ago... then I dropped some more weight (on purpose) and now I can't share the number on the scale with him as he thinks I'm too thin. (I'm not).

    @LivingtheLeanDream - Does this bother you that you can't share this part of your journey with him?

    Well I've actually been in maintenance for almost 5 years, he was happy for the first 4.5 yrs until I decided I'd drop more vanity pounds... I think he just doesn't want me to be 'obsessed' with weight and get too thin looking. So, no it doesn't bother me, I have one good MFP friend who I can share my weight loss ups and downs with so I'm fine with that. Hubby actually keeps an eye on his weight but doesn't have to try overly hard to maintain his weight.
  • JMcGee2018
    JMcGee2018 Posts: 275 Member
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    iWishMyNameWasRebel wrote: »
    It depends. If it is truly a health issue that your spouse is ignoring, then working on it together may be in order, like you would do with any other health issue. It truly depends on your spouse. For example, if your spouse smokes and has told you point blank not to bother him with it because it just pushes him further away from quitting, then that is your conversation and you've had it. You cannot control everything your mate chooses to do.

    You really have to know your mate and know when the right, and wrong time, is to discuss something. And know how to do it. And know when to just shut up and deal.

    Smoking is an interesting example because for me, it is a deal breaker. Smoking is a behavior (however hard to change) that is within someone's control, much like weight. My fiance stopped smoking a few months before we met, and he knows that if he starts smoking again, there's going to be a big problem. I don't like smoking, or the health risks that come with it. That said, I didn't start dating him while he was still smoking, so I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him not to start up smoking again. If someone was overweight/obese when they met their partner, I think it's unreasonable to expect them to change, but if they were at a healthy weight when they met, I don't think that expecting them not to gain a significant amount of weight (50-70+, excluding pregnancy weight) is unreasonable, either.

    We marry our partners for who they are in the moment and who we can logically and reasonably expect them to become. Gaining a little weight over the years, losing that six pack, no longer rock climbing on the weekends, etc. is reasonable; gaining 250 pounds is not.
  • YalithKBK
    YalithKBK Posts: 317 Member
    edited March 2018
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    I think it shouldn't be a matter of pure weight by the numbers or body shape, I think it should be a matter of health. If my SO was getting towards an unhealthy weight (too high OR too low), I would definitely say something to them. I care about their health and I want them to be healthy, which means being a healthy weight. So yes, I would say something.
  • cwespaillat
    cwespaillat Posts: 1 Member
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    TheRoadDog wrote: »
    NO. I love my wife and, if she is struggling with weight or diet, I wouldn't think pointing out my perceived issues of her self image, would be helpful. What would be helpful is giving her a good example. Taking a responsibility in preparing healthy meals and adding some healthy activities to OUR life.

    I agree with you. My husband and I do this for each other. We agreed before we got married that if one of us came to be an unhealthy weight we would work together to change it. Now that my size 12 jeans feel a little tight and I've gained and lost the same 10 lbs a few times I'm more serious about changing things. He tells me how beautiful I am and suggests high protein meals / healthy snacks
  • STLBADGIRL
    STLBADGIRL Posts: 1,693 Member
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    TheRoadDog wrote: »
    NO. I love my wife and, if she is struggling with weight or diet, I wouldn't think pointing out my perceived issues of her self image, would be helpful. What would be helpful is giving her a good example. Taking a responsibility in preparing healthy meals and adding some healthy activities to OUR life.

    I like this so much!!!
  • STLBADGIRL
    STLBADGIRL Posts: 1,693 Member
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    jwilk241 wrote: »
    My husband and I have never told the other person that they're fat. We have, however, encouraged each other to "do better". If I'm being lazy or slacking on my eating habits, he'll throw out a comment like "are you sure you want to skip working out, it's only 30 minutes?" or "are you sure you want those cookies, you said you wanted to eat less sweets". While some people might take those comments in a negative way, I appreciate them. I am my own worst enemy and sometimes I need those reminders that keep me on track. He always tells me I'm beautiful and has never made me feel unwanted, but he wants me to be happy in my own skin (which I'm not) and he knows I need a little push every now and then.

    I don't really have to do that for him because he naturally loves being active and his metabolism is amazing so he can eat a lot. But I will encourage better eating habits and sometimes he even asks me to help because his self control isn't the best sometimes. LOL.

    This seems pretty cool. This journey and lifestyle is so much easier and better when one of your favorite people supports you!

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