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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
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Need2Exerc1se wrote: »mom23mangos wrote: »Need2Exerc1se wrote: »richardgavel wrote: »I am curious if those people who suggest that you should feel the same way healthy or overnight, sometimes so far as not discuss it with your spouse (or not allowed to have influence) if the situation was instead that the spouse decided to quit their job and sit on the couch all day and watch Netflix.
Asking someone to financially support you vs. not caring if someone packs on a few lbs. That's a pretty big difference.
Actually I don't see a huge difference. And my SO has done both. I choose to have him in my life for what other things he brings into it like laughter, children, companionship, etc. and not for how much money he brings in or how much he weighs. I'm more than capable of taking care of my family on my own. It may mean some changes to our lifestyle, but it's all in how you view things. Some would feel taken advantage of.
You don't see a difference in someone quitting their job to sit on the couch watching internet TV all day and someone gaining weight? Wow, I sure do.
It depends on what lead up to it. If it was depression that led to one or the other, then yes I look at them as similar. I would want to support my SO as they overcame whatever it was that was causing them to deviate from the norm. Now, with both it's up to the individual in just how far and how long they are willing to support a person that isn't trying or doesn't want to change.0 -
Sadly, many spouses love their mate but lack the skill set to tactfully introduce touchy subjects. It should come across as 'I'm concerned about our health' rather than 'look at that muffin top' or 'wow, you *kitten* really got fat!'
Exactly this. It's rude to say "your *kitten* is Huge!" but I absolutely HATE society's recent attitude that we must tell people that it's ok if you are morbidly obese. "Overweight" is the new "average", but IT IS NOT OK. It's a hard conversation to have, but this is literally a matter of life and death.
Sure, cut a girl some slack if she doesn't look like an anorexic model, but it is time to have that conversation when someone passes the defined limits of "healthy" weight range. There is a medically defined limit. A BMI of 25 to 29.9 is considered overweight. A BMI of 30 or higher is considered obese.
Frankly, I've been overweight for a while, but a recent diagnosis of diabetes is now my motivation to lose weight. I can't ignore the problem anymore. Being overweight and diabetic will kill me if I don't take action to fix this.
A trip to the doctor and having the Doc suggest that losing weight will help with your physical problems (hypertension, diabetes, pain, etc) creates a good moment for a conversation about your health, diet, weight loss with those around you. Not accusatory or insulting, but "Hey, doc says I should lose weight. let's lose some weight together, so we can both be healthier." Show concern and offer support to help fix the problem, no judgment or accusations. Commenting on appearance is usually taken as meanness, but keep the conversation on good health and quality of life and you should be able to make more of a lasting impression.3 -
Interesting topic! My SO doesn't want me to lose more weight. But my goal weight is within a healthy BMI. I'm 5'7" and currently 146 lbs but I want to be around 125 (I already lost 17 lbs). I do weight training so I don't look "skinny". I don't know what I feel about his concern... His concern is strictly about looks but if I'm getting more confident and happy, he should be happy too? I used to be very underweight, but I'm built in a way that I still have curves (waist, hips and bottom at least) even when I'm thin. Boobs are not so consistent
I said I will reach my goal and if he is too unhappy about it then (which I'm sure he won't be) I will gain back some. But I know I won't want to...
What are your thoughts about this? Is he too controlling or should I let him have a say on this? I DO want to please him in everyway as long as it's not unhealthy you know
I think your approach is good. You will never know if you never try. I would keep communication open and express to him how important this journey is to you and want his support on this. Heck, you might get to 125 yourself and not care for that look either.1 -
Interesting topic! My SO doesn't want me to lose more weight. But my goal weight is within a healthy BMI. I'm 5'7" and currently 146 lbs but I want to be around 125 (I already lost 17 lbs). I do weight training so I don't look "skinny". I don't know what I feel about his concern... His concern is strictly about looks but if I'm getting more confident and happy, he should be happy too? I used to be very underweight, but I'm built in a way that I still have curves (waist, hips and bottom at least) even when I'm thin. Boobs are not so consistent
I said I will reach my goal and if he is too unhappy about it then (which I'm sure he won't be) I will gain back some. But I know I won't want to...
What are your thoughts about this? Is he too controlling or should I let him have a say on this? I DO want to please him in everyway as long as it's not unhealthy you know
I certainly wouldn't give up goals that are healthy if they are important to you. But your comment that you used to be very underweight may be of concern to him if he knew you during that time. Perhaps his concern is not 100% about looks. He could be concerned that you are headed down that dangerous path again.3 -
I have been the spouse that got fat (later the spouse that got fit) and to be honest the unattractive part about weight gain in my case wasn't the fat itself it was the lethargy and therefore no real energy for anything, poor self image and therefore little sex, I was also depressed so I was bitchy and sad. I had a hard time getting out of bed, I had a hard time motivating myself to even wash my hair. Definitely say something; but offer help/an out. If I gained 20lbs over 5 years definitely DONT say anything lol
My final answer is it depends.3 -
A few lbs gained is not really a big deal. Letting yourself go is. Being overweight/obese isn't healthy. I want my SO to live a long healthy life together1
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This is definitely a sensitive topic. No, you cannot police your spouse's weight gain or loss, no matter how much you might want to. I try to stick to showing my husband support when he is trying to make healthier choices. I try not to put barriers in his path because ultimately it is his body and his decision how to take care of his health. He has been morbidly obese for many years now with all the health consequences that come with that condition. Would I love to see him change his ways and get healthier? Most definitely! But I have learned over the years to keep my mouth shut. My mother always said that people change when the problems their behavior causes become so overwhelming that they simply must change in order to survive.3
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God no! If your married they should love you for You! That's horrible for selfesteam! Supporting your choices in whatever you choose should be main priority!6
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God no! If your married they should love you for You! That's horrible for selfesteam! Supporting your choices in whatever you choose should be main priority!
Talking to someone about their weight isn't the same as not loving them. In cases of obesity and especially morbid obesity it could mean the exact opposite. Obesity raises risk of many deadly diseases. What kind of love supports that?8 -
God no! If your married they should love you for You! That's horrible for selfesteam! Supporting your choices in whatever you choose should be main priority!
I hope to God that my husband wouldn't support some the stupid choices I'm capable of. Someone has to be the voice of reason. When it comes to health issues, my husband is fully entitled to voice his opinions.
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Nope ... if it's that much of a problem, he's free to use the front door and find someone who's weight wont ever fluctuate.4
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VioletRojo wrote: »God no! If your married they should love you for You! That's horrible for selfesteam! Supporting your choices in whatever you choose should be main priority!
I hope to God that my husband wouldn't support some the stupid choices I'm capable of. Someone has to be the voice of reason. When it comes to health issues, my husband is fully entitled to voice his opinions.
Some choices are objectively bad choices or destructive to your marriage. If I choose to cheat, my spouse should not be expected to support me. Likewise, if I get so morbidly obese that I cannot get out of bed, clean my own body, change my own clothes, or care for my own children, I don't think that my spouse should have to support that, either. 50 or even 100 pounds? Maybe. A contestant for My 600 Pound Life? I can understand that being a deal breaker.4 -
Need2Exerc1se wrote: »
No, that does not apply to all our problems. I've got eyes, I can see my own body, and I don't require a talking to by my SO to make changes. If it's such a problem to deal with weight changes, then yes, he's welcome to leave and find someone that makes him happy.3 -
To an extent, yes. My husband has mentioned that if i gained a lot of weight he would still love me but wouldnt be as attracted to me, and I respect that. He doesnt expect me to be a certain size or weight, and loved me and found me attractive at 172 pounds which is my highest weight, and I couldnt stand my size, but now that Im losing weight again, I know he likes it, as do I. I feel that although weight shouldn't be a deal breaker, trying to keep myself in a healthy weight range shows that I respect what he likes. And no, I am not losing weight for him, I'm doing it for me, but him noticing I'm slimming down and and being even more attracted to me definitely is a motivator for me 6
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I think that a SO should respectively tell you their opinion if they have one but ultimately let you choose and accept your choice. * Unless your choices are risking your life. In the situation where someone is highly underweight by choice of their own, and having health problems, the SO have the right to feel assertive. The same in a position where a SO is extremely overweight or even normal size but they have been told to not eat a certain thing. (Like my uncle would overload in sweets even though he was a diabetic and a normal weight but my aunt had to intervene). My husband gained 20 pounds while we were dating and he's a short man (5'2) so it makes a bigger difference, then he has now lost about 35 pounds since we got married and personally I liked him better before. He never says anything to be about my weight, I gained 50 since we got together but have recently lost that back and he just keeps his opinion to himself. Though I'm sure he would probably be happier if I was thinner. Working on that! Lol1
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Yes. My husband doesn't want me to get too muscular, and I don't want him to get fat.. so he watches his sugar intake and I watch my calorie intake. I want him to get regular haircuts and he doesn't want mine cut at all. We both comply with each other's wishes, and it's no problem.5
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CircleJerkk wrote: »Yes. My husband doesn't want me to get too muscular, and I don't want him to get fat.. so he watches his sugar intake and I watch my calorie intake. I want him to get regular haircuts and he doesn't want mine cut at all. We both comply with each other's wishes, and it's no problem.
Wow....you two are very considerate of each other. It's great that you both are "willing" to do this for each other.0 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »CircleJerkk wrote: »Yes. My husband doesn't want me to get too muscular, and I don't want him to get fat.. so he watches his sugar intake and I watch my calorie intake. I want him to get regular haircuts and he doesn't want mine cut at all. We both comply with each other's wishes, and it's no problem.
Wow....you two are very considerate of each other. It's great that you both are "willing" to do this for each other.
I think it's important to be considerate of each other. I don't have any problems with swearing, but my husband finds it distasteful. So as much as possible, I avoid swearing around him. I see this as similar.
Nobody gains a significant amount of weight overnight. If it gets to the point that it's a problem, and you haven't discussed it? THAT'S the problem.4 -
It's relative,to your goals. I don't want to be unattractive to him anymore than I want him to be less than sexy and hot to me.3
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