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Should your S.O./Spouse have a say so if they feel you are too thin or too large?
Replies
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Hubby saved me from going out the door in a blue bra under a pink tank top yesterday. He didn’t tell me what to do. He just asked if I was really planning on going out like that? A quick review in the mirror and I agreed with him.3
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STLBADGIRL wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?
I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.
i think if a person has serious health issues such as diabetes or is at risk of death, then yes. And it's all in the messaging. It shouldn't be coming from you need to lose weight but rather I'm concerned about your health how can we make changes together. But if the person is not open to change then the SO providing the support needs to respect that. If they are healthy but heavy no they shouldn't.
@dra760 - Do you still provide support if your SO isn't open to change?
Support for what, though? Killing themselves through unhealthy behaviors? That sounds less like support and more like enabling.
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tbright1965 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »
Of course that's the bottom line. We ALL know that. I don't think you are shedding light on anything new here. My point is - don't label one class of people (fat) as lazy, because as you noted above all people can be lazy or some form of lazy.tbright1965 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »
You are correct. So in essence all people at varying fitness levels can be lazy in some form, whether that s physically, emotionally, or mentally.
The bottom line is excuses don't make results. Figure out your weak areas and work on them. Be they physical, emotional or mental.
Lazy doesn't win, no matter what form it takes.
If you don't know, do the work to learn.
If you don't move, do the work to move.
If you don't feel good, do the work it takes to feel good.
But sitting and making excuses and denying ones particular form of lazy will not produce results.
I own the fact that my form of lazy was apathy about what and how much I ate. The only thing I've changed in the past 90 days has been how I eat. I'm down 36 pounds. Still doing the same level of exercise as I did before.
It might be different for someone else. But it's some form of lazy. My lazy was lazy about what I'm eating.
Now, what people normally do is see a fat person and judge them, by stating that they are lazy, and typically lazy is not the first thought that pop into their mind when they see an average or smaller build. That was my original point.
As for everything else you typed, I agree on - no argument there.
My comment was more about the notion that people who are overweight are NOT lazy. They are, but not necessarily in the ways people think.
Now before people go GASP! He said what? It's already been established that people can be lazy even if they look perfectly healthy. So I'm not saying lazy as if I'm on some pedestal and if only "those people" would.... We all have the potential to be lazy. It may impact some more than others, or in different ways. Just because someone looks healthy doesn't mean they are. Heck, I was obese and people didn't even realize I was as heavy as I was. Even now, when I tell someone I weighed 229 this week, they looked at me and said really? Yet that is still OBESE according to the BMI calculations at 31.9. I have to get below 180 to get to a normal BMI.
And, there may be a very small number, on the order of 1 in 100 that has some real medical issue. But even with that, don't try selling us (or yourself) on it. Get yourself to the doctor and confirm your self-diagnosis. Do the work required to address your issue.
But for the other 99/100, the first step is to own that you've skipped some steps, taken some shortcuts or just haven't paid attention to what you are doing.
Again, I can hear the gasps.
No judgement, just own your actions and/or inaction and go from there. As I said before, you don't accomplish much of anything by making excuses. I would also add, you don't accomplish anything good by denying the reality. That's why I got up to 265. I was lying to myself and suggesting I was "in shape" and just a "big guy" because I could out work my 25 year old son at more than 2x his age.
Doesn't mean you have to keep being that person. I'm a firm believer in you don't have to be who you were yesterday. Anyone can be a better version of themselves tomorrow than they were yesterday. So if you've been lax in controlling what and how much you eat and what and how much you move, today and tomorrow can be different, and better.
But I think it all starts with being honest with oneself. Ultimately, the one you have to convince is yourself.
There are many reasons to be fat. One is simply having different priorities. I know many people who work constantly and are overweight because health is a low priority in their lives. Are they "lazy" because they choose saving lives in the ER, just to give one example, and grabbing fast food on the way home to collapse into bed, wake up after five hours sleep, and do it again, over planning meals and going to the gym? I suppose in your world they would find a way to do both?
You are in fact judging, whether you admit it or not, and it's very offputting and unkind.5 -
rheddmobile wrote: »tbright1965 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »
Of course that's the bottom line. We ALL know that. I don't think you are shedding light on anything new here. My point is - don't label one class of people (fat) as lazy, because as you noted above all people can be lazy or some form of lazy.tbright1965 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »
You are correct. So in essence all people at varying fitness levels can be lazy in some form, whether that s physically, emotionally, or mentally.
The bottom line is excuses don't make results. Figure out your weak areas and work on them. Be they physical, emotional or mental.
Lazy doesn't win, no matter what form it takes.
If you don't know, do the work to learn.
If you don't move, do the work to move.
If you don't feel good, do the work it takes to feel good.
But sitting and making excuses and denying ones particular form of lazy will not produce results.
I own the fact that my form of lazy was apathy about what and how much I ate. The only thing I've changed in the past 90 days has been how I eat. I'm down 36 pounds. Still doing the same level of exercise as I did before.
It might be different for someone else. But it's some form of lazy. My lazy was lazy about what I'm eating.
Now, what people normally do is see a fat person and judge them, by stating that they are lazy, and typically lazy is not the first thought that pop into their mind when they see an average or smaller build. That was my original point.
As for everything else you typed, I agree on - no argument there.
My comment was more about the notion that people who are overweight are NOT lazy. They are, but not necessarily in the ways people think.
Now before people go GASP! He said what? It's already been established that people can be lazy even if they look perfectly healthy. So I'm not saying lazy as if I'm on some pedestal and if only "those people" would.... We all have the potential to be lazy. It may impact some more than others, or in different ways. Just because someone looks healthy doesn't mean they are. Heck, I was obese and people didn't even realize I was as heavy as I was. Even now, when I tell someone I weighed 229 this week, they looked at me and said really? Yet that is still OBESE according to the BMI calculations at 31.9. I have to get below 180 to get to a normal BMI.
And, there may be a very small number, on the order of 1 in 100 that has some real medical issue. But even with that, don't try selling us (or yourself) on it. Get yourself to the doctor and confirm your self-diagnosis. Do the work required to address your issue.
But for the other 99/100, the first step is to own that you've skipped some steps, taken some shortcuts or just haven't paid attention to what you are doing.
Again, I can hear the gasps.
No judgement, just own your actions and/or inaction and go from there. As I said before, you don't accomplish much of anything by making excuses. I would also add, you don't accomplish anything good by denying the reality. That's why I got up to 265. I was lying to myself and suggesting I was "in shape" and just a "big guy" because I could out work my 25 year old son at more than 2x his age.
Doesn't mean you have to keep being that person. I'm a firm believer in you don't have to be who you were yesterday. Anyone can be a better version of themselves tomorrow than they were yesterday. So if you've been lax in controlling what and how much you eat and what and how much you move, today and tomorrow can be different, and better.
But I think it all starts with being honest with oneself. Ultimately, the one you have to convince is yourself.
There are many reasons to be fat. One is simply having different priorities. I know many people who work constantly and are overweight because health is a low priority in their lives. Are they "lazy" because they choose saving lives in the ER, just to give one example, and grabbing fast food on the way home to collapse into bed, wake up after five hours sleep, and do it again, over planning meals and going to the gym? I suppose in your world they would find a way to do both?
You are in fact judging, whether you admit it or not, and it's very offputting and unkind.
Those same fast food places offer chicken sandwiches along with the Big Macs, small orders of fries over Xtra large ones.3 -
rheddmobile wrote: »tbright1965 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »
Of course that's the bottom line. We ALL know that. I don't think you are shedding light on anything new here. My point is - don't label one class of people (fat) as lazy, because as you noted above all people can be lazy or some form of lazy.tbright1965 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »
You are correct. So in essence all people at varying fitness levels can be lazy in some form, whether that s physically, emotionally, or mentally.
The bottom line is excuses don't make results. Figure out your weak areas and work on them. Be they physical, emotional or mental.
Lazy doesn't win, no matter what form it takes.
If you don't know, do the work to learn.
If you don't move, do the work to move.
If you don't feel good, do the work it takes to feel good.
But sitting and making excuses and denying ones particular form of lazy will not produce results.
I own the fact that my form of lazy was apathy about what and how much I ate. The only thing I've changed in the past 90 days has been how I eat. I'm down 36 pounds. Still doing the same level of exercise as I did before.
It might be different for someone else. But it's some form of lazy. My lazy was lazy about what I'm eating.
Now, what people normally do is see a fat person and judge them, by stating that they are lazy, and typically lazy is not the first thought that pop into their mind when they see an average or smaller build. That was my original point.
As for everything else you typed, I agree on - no argument there.
My comment was more about the notion that people who are overweight are NOT lazy. They are, but not necessarily in the ways people think.
Now before people go GASP! He said what? It's already been established that people can be lazy even if they look perfectly healthy. So I'm not saying lazy as if I'm on some pedestal and if only "those people" would.... We all have the potential to be lazy. It may impact some more than others, or in different ways. Just because someone looks healthy doesn't mean they are. Heck, I was obese and people didn't even realize I was as heavy as I was. Even now, when I tell someone I weighed 229 this week, they looked at me and said really? Yet that is still OBESE according to the BMI calculations at 31.9. I have to get below 180 to get to a normal BMI.
And, there may be a very small number, on the order of 1 in 100 that has some real medical issue. But even with that, don't try selling us (or yourself) on it. Get yourself to the doctor and confirm your self-diagnosis. Do the work required to address your issue.
But for the other 99/100, the first step is to own that you've skipped some steps, taken some shortcuts or just haven't paid attention to what you are doing.
Again, I can hear the gasps.
No judgement, just own your actions and/or inaction and go from there. As I said before, you don't accomplish much of anything by making excuses. I would also add, you don't accomplish anything good by denying the reality. That's why I got up to 265. I was lying to myself and suggesting I was "in shape" and just a "big guy" because I could out work my 25 year old son at more than 2x his age.
Doesn't mean you have to keep being that person. I'm a firm believer in you don't have to be who you were yesterday. Anyone can be a better version of themselves tomorrow than they were yesterday. So if you've been lax in controlling what and how much you eat and what and how much you move, today and tomorrow can be different, and better.
But I think it all starts with being honest with oneself. Ultimately, the one you have to convince is yourself.
There are many reasons to be fat. One is simply having different priorities. I know many people who work constantly and are overweight because health is a low priority in their lives. Are they "lazy" because they choose saving lives in the ER, just to give one example, and grabbing fast food on the way home to collapse into bed, wake up after five hours sleep, and do it again, over planning meals and going to the gym? I suppose in your world they would find a way to do both?
You are in fact judging, whether you admit it or not, and it's very offputting and unkind.
I know several people who work in these professions (ER nurses, trauma surgeons, first responders, etc.) who prioritize their health as well as their job. These people choose healthier options on the way home before they "collapse into bed." And in their down time, often use physical activity to help de-stress.
You are correct, though. It usually does come down to priorities. It's whatever is more important - your health and fitness or something else (comfort, convenience, some other goal, etc.) This post makes it sound like in order to take care of oneself you have to neglect others, and vice versa. It doesn't have to be an either/or, though. You CAN do both. It might be more challenging, that's true.
Of course, there will sometimes be other circumstances beyond our control that make it nearly impossible to maintain our health and fitness the way we'd like to. But most people can make at least some extra effort IF they want to. You don't have to be a fitness superstar, in perfect shape, while saving lives in the ER, either. You can make simple choices that lead to better health and don't require tons of time and effort. And when you feel better, you function better.
I'm not trying to be judgmental. I'm kind of neutral on it. Choosing not to focus on your own self care in order to do other things isn't necessarily bad. It's just a choice people make. Live and let live. I know people who don't prioritize their health because they choose to put themselves last and seem to take on more than they can handle in order to avoid focusing on themselves. That's just the way they roll and they seem to be fine, besides maybe getting a little run down and sick more often. I'm cool with that, too. They're happy. But don't try to make it sound heroic and selfless to not care for yourself. That sounds like an excuse.
IMO, you can often take better care of others when you take care of yourself, too. In "my world" people DO find a way to do both.1 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?
I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.
i think if a person has serious health issues such as diabetes or is at risk of death, then yes. And it's all in the messaging. It shouldn't be coming from you need to lose weight but rather I'm concerned about your health how can we make changes together. But if the person is not open to change then the SO providing the support needs to respect that. If they are healthy but heavy no they shouldn't.
@dra760 - Do you still provide support if your SO isn't open to change?
Support for what, though? Killing themselves through unhealthy behaviors? That sounds less like support and more like enabling.STLBADGIRL wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?
I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.
i think if a person has serious health issues such as diabetes or is at risk of death, then yes. And it's all in the messaging. It shouldn't be coming from you need to lose weight but rather I'm concerned about your health how can we make changes together. But if the person is not open to change then the SO providing the support needs to respect that. If they are healthy but heavy no they shouldn't.
@dra760 - Do you still provide support if your SO isn't open to change?
Support for what, though? Killing themselves through unhealthy behaviors? That sounds less like support and more like enabling.STLBADGIRL wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?
I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.
i think if a person has serious health issues such as diabetes or is at risk of death, then yes. And it's all in the messaging. It shouldn't be coming from you need to lose weight but rather I'm concerned about your health how can we make changes together. But if the person is not open to change then the SO providing the support needs to respect that. If they are healthy but heavy no they shouldn't.
@dra760 - Do you still provide support if your SO isn't open to change?
Support for what, though? Killing themselves through unhealthy behaviors? That sounds less like support and more like enabling.
Yes I would still support them. My mom was about 100 pounds overweight. She had breathing problems , could barley walk (had knee replacement ) , asthma, pre diabetes , poor sleep patterns and high stress. She would eat junk constantly and used food for comfort and de stressing . There were many times that I would tell her don’t eat all the cake or stop drinking so much coffee (not the right approach). I finally told her I was concerned about her health and her risk for all these chronic conditions that run in our family. I said she should seek help from a doctor and nutritionist. She was annoyed and didn’t listen. But I decided that was the last time I’d bring it up ever again and that I would not comment on her poor eating habits. However to support her when getting together for meals we did our best to have healthy alternatives and not being dessert. You can give people advice but after a point , advice is meaningless until the person is ready to commit to a change. Until then , be creative and find ways to be supportive in a healthy way.7 -
rheddmobile wrote: »tbright1965 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »
Of course that's the bottom line. We ALL know that. I don't think you are shedding light on anything new here. My point is - don't label one class of people (fat) as lazy, because as you noted above all people can be lazy or some form of lazy.tbright1965 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »
You are correct. So in essence all people at varying fitness levels can be lazy in some form, whether that s physically, emotionally, or mentally.
The bottom line is excuses don't make results. Figure out your weak areas and work on them. Be they physical, emotional or mental.
Lazy doesn't win, no matter what form it takes.
If you don't know, do the work to learn.
If you don't move, do the work to move.
If you don't feel good, do the work it takes to feel good.
But sitting and making excuses and denying ones particular form of lazy will not produce results.
I own the fact that my form of lazy was apathy about what and how much I ate. The only thing I've changed in the past 90 days has been how I eat. I'm down 36 pounds. Still doing the same level of exercise as I did before.
It might be different for someone else. But it's some form of lazy. My lazy was lazy about what I'm eating.
Now, what people normally do is see a fat person and judge them, by stating that they are lazy, and typically lazy is not the first thought that pop into their mind when they see an average or smaller build. That was my original point.
As for everything else you typed, I agree on - no argument there.
My comment was more about the notion that people who are overweight are NOT lazy. They are, but not necessarily in the ways people think.
Now before people go GASP! He said what? It's already been established that people can be lazy even if they look perfectly healthy. So I'm not saying lazy as if I'm on some pedestal and if only "those people" would.... We all have the potential to be lazy. It may impact some more than others, or in different ways. Just because someone looks healthy doesn't mean they are. Heck, I was obese and people didn't even realize I was as heavy as I was. Even now, when I tell someone I weighed 229 this week, they looked at me and said really? Yet that is still OBESE according to the BMI calculations at 31.9. I have to get below 180 to get to a normal BMI.
And, there may be a very small number, on the order of 1 in 100 that has some real medical issue. But even with that, don't try selling us (or yourself) on it. Get yourself to the doctor and confirm your self-diagnosis. Do the work required to address your issue.
But for the other 99/100, the first step is to own that you've skipped some steps, taken some shortcuts or just haven't paid attention to what you are doing.
Again, I can hear the gasps.
No judgement, just own your actions and/or inaction and go from there. As I said before, you don't accomplish much of anything by making excuses. I would also add, you don't accomplish anything good by denying the reality. That's why I got up to 265. I was lying to myself and suggesting I was "in shape" and just a "big guy" because I could out work my 25 year old son at more than 2x his age.
Doesn't mean you have to keep being that person. I'm a firm believer in you don't have to be who you were yesterday. Anyone can be a better version of themselves tomorrow than they were yesterday. So if you've been lax in controlling what and how much you eat and what and how much you move, today and tomorrow can be different, and better.
But I think it all starts with being honest with oneself. Ultimately, the one you have to convince is yourself.
There are many reasons to be fat. One is simply having different priorities. I know many people who work constantly and are overweight because health is a low priority in their lives. Are they "lazy" because they choose saving lives in the ER, just to give one example, and grabbing fast food on the way home to collapse into bed, wake up after five hours sleep, and do it again, over planning meals and going to the gym? I suppose in your world they would find a way to do both?
You are in fact judging, whether you admit it or not, and it's very offputting and unkind.
You are right, I am judging.
The very same judgment I subjected myself to.
It is not mutually exclusive to care for oneself and to care for others.
In fact, the better I care for myself, the higher the probability is that I'll be around to care for my wife and kids.
I don't deny, nor am I ashamed of the judgment to which I subject myself.
Others are free to subject themselves to it, or ignore it. Makes no difference to me. Being judgment does not negate the truth presented in my statement.4 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »Can we have a candid and respectful conversation about this subject? I read on here frequently that a S.O/spouse should love your regardless of your weight....but isn't a part of love being open and honest with a person?
I want to be clear....I don't think anyone should demand a person to gain or lose weight.
i think if a person has serious health issues such as diabetes or is at risk of death, then yes. And it's all in the messaging. It shouldn't be coming from you need to lose weight but rather I'm concerned about your health how can we make changes together. But if the person is not open to change then the SO providing the support needs to respect that. If they are healthy but heavy no they shouldn't.
@dra760 - Do you still provide support if your SO isn't open to change?
Support for what, though? Killing themselves through unhealthy behaviors? That sounds less like support and more like enabling.
@dra760 I agree - but it is all about perspective. The other person could believe that she is supporting her SO by not pointing out the obvious if they are not ready to change.0 -
tbright1965 wrote: »rheddmobile wrote: »tbright1965 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »
Of course that's the bottom line. We ALL know that. I don't think you are shedding light on anything new here. My point is - don't label one class of people (fat) as lazy, because as you noted above all people can be lazy or some form of lazy.tbright1965 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »
You are correct. So in essence all people at varying fitness levels can be lazy in some form, whether that s physically, emotionally, or mentally.
The bottom line is excuses don't make results. Figure out your weak areas and work on them. Be they physical, emotional or mental.
Lazy doesn't win, no matter what form it takes.
If you don't know, do the work to learn.
If you don't move, do the work to move.
If you don't feel good, do the work it takes to feel good.
But sitting and making excuses and denying ones particular form of lazy will not produce results.
I own the fact that my form of lazy was apathy about what and how much I ate. The only thing I've changed in the past 90 days has been how I eat. I'm down 36 pounds. Still doing the same level of exercise as I did before.
It might be different for someone else. But it's some form of lazy. My lazy was lazy about what I'm eating.
Now, what people normally do is see a fat person and judge them, by stating that they are lazy, and typically lazy is not the first thought that pop into their mind when they see an average or smaller build. That was my original point.
As for everything else you typed, I agree on - no argument there.
My comment was more about the notion that people who are overweight are NOT lazy. They are, but not necessarily in the ways people think.
Now before people go GASP! He said what? It's already been established that people can be lazy even if they look perfectly healthy. So I'm not saying lazy as if I'm on some pedestal and if only "those people" would.... We all have the potential to be lazy. It may impact some more than others, or in different ways. Just because someone looks healthy doesn't mean they are. Heck, I was obese and people didn't even realize I was as heavy as I was. Even now, when I tell someone I weighed 229 this week, they looked at me and said really? Yet that is still OBESE according to the BMI calculations at 31.9. I have to get below 180 to get to a normal BMI.
And, there may be a very small number, on the order of 1 in 100 that has some real medical issue. But even with that, don't try selling us (or yourself) on it. Get yourself to the doctor and confirm your self-diagnosis. Do the work required to address your issue.
But for the other 99/100, the first step is to own that you've skipped some steps, taken some shortcuts or just haven't paid attention to what you are doing.
Again, I can hear the gasps.
No judgement, just own your actions and/or inaction and go from there. As I said before, you don't accomplish much of anything by making excuses. I would also add, you don't accomplish anything good by denying the reality. That's why I got up to 265. I was lying to myself and suggesting I was "in shape" and just a "big guy" because I could out work my 25 year old son at more than 2x his age.
Doesn't mean you have to keep being that person. I'm a firm believer in you don't have to be who you were yesterday. Anyone can be a better version of themselves tomorrow than they were yesterday. So if you've been lax in controlling what and how much you eat and what and how much you move, today and tomorrow can be different, and better.
But I think it all starts with being honest with oneself. Ultimately, the one you have to convince is yourself.
There are many reasons to be fat. One is simply having different priorities. I know many people who work constantly and are overweight because health is a low priority in their lives. Are they "lazy" because they choose saving lives in the ER, just to give one example, and grabbing fast food on the way home to collapse into bed, wake up after five hours sleep, and do it again, over planning meals and going to the gym? I suppose in your world they would find a way to do both?
You are in fact judging, whether you admit it or not, and it's very offputting and unkind.
You are right, I am judging.
The very same judgment I subjected myself to.
It is not mutually exclusive to care for oneself and to care for others.
In fact, the better I care for myself, the higher the probability is that I'll be around to care for my wife and kids.
I don't deny, nor am I ashamed of the judgment to which I subject myself.
Others are free to subject themselves to it, or ignore it. Makes no difference to me. Being judgment does not negate the truth presented in my statement.
@tbright1965 This is great and all. But since you were judged you would think that your angle would be different. It comes across that you have gotten a handle on your health and now you are jumping on the bandwagon of all the judgmental people that used to talk about you and doing it to others! Not cool IMO! Almost the attitude of 'you deserved that treatment because you were fat and/or unhealthy'.0 -
STLBADGIRL wrote: »tbright1965 wrote: »rheddmobile wrote: »tbright1965 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »
Of course that's the bottom line. We ALL know that. I don't think you are shedding light on anything new here. My point is - don't label one class of people (fat) as lazy, because as you noted above all people can be lazy or some form of lazy.tbright1965 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »
You are correct. So in essence all people at varying fitness levels can be lazy in some form, whether that s physically, emotionally, or mentally.
The bottom line is excuses don't make results. Figure out your weak areas and work on them. Be they physical, emotional or mental.
Lazy doesn't win, no matter what form it takes.
If you don't know, do the work to learn.
If you don't move, do the work to move.
If you don't feel good, do the work it takes to feel good.
But sitting and making excuses and denying ones particular form of lazy will not produce results.
I own the fact that my form of lazy was apathy about what and how much I ate. The only thing I've changed in the past 90 days has been how I eat. I'm down 36 pounds. Still doing the same level of exercise as I did before.
It might be different for someone else. But it's some form of lazy. My lazy was lazy about what I'm eating.
Now, what people normally do is see a fat person and judge them, by stating that they are lazy, and typically lazy is not the first thought that pop into their mind when they see an average or smaller build. That was my original point.
As for everything else you typed, I agree on - no argument there.
My comment was more about the notion that people who are overweight are NOT lazy. They are, but not necessarily in the ways people think.
Now before people go GASP! He said what? It's already been established that people can be lazy even if they look perfectly healthy. So I'm not saying lazy as if I'm on some pedestal and if only "those people" would.... We all have the potential to be lazy. It may impact some more than others, or in different ways. Just because someone looks healthy doesn't mean they are. Heck, I was obese and people didn't even realize I was as heavy as I was. Even now, when I tell someone I weighed 229 this week, they looked at me and said really? Yet that is still OBESE according to the BMI calculations at 31.9. I have to get below 180 to get to a normal BMI.
And, there may be a very small number, on the order of 1 in 100 that has some real medical issue. But even with that, don't try selling us (or yourself) on it. Get yourself to the doctor and confirm your self-diagnosis. Do the work required to address your issue.
But for the other 99/100, the first step is to own that you've skipped some steps, taken some shortcuts or just haven't paid attention to what you are doing.
Again, I can hear the gasps.
No judgement, just own your actions and/or inaction and go from there. As I said before, you don't accomplish much of anything by making excuses. I would also add, you don't accomplish anything good by denying the reality. That's why I got up to 265. I was lying to myself and suggesting I was "in shape" and just a "big guy" because I could out work my 25 year old son at more than 2x his age.
Doesn't mean you have to keep being that person. I'm a firm believer in you don't have to be who you were yesterday. Anyone can be a better version of themselves tomorrow than they were yesterday. So if you've been lax in controlling what and how much you eat and what and how much you move, today and tomorrow can be different, and better.
But I think it all starts with being honest with oneself. Ultimately, the one you have to convince is yourself.
There are many reasons to be fat. One is simply having different priorities. I know many people who work constantly and are overweight because health is a low priority in their lives. Are they "lazy" because they choose saving lives in the ER, just to give one example, and grabbing fast food on the way home to collapse into bed, wake up after five hours sleep, and do it again, over planning meals and going to the gym? I suppose in your world they would find a way to do both?
You are in fact judging, whether you admit it or not, and it's very offputting and unkind.
You are right, I am judging.
The very same judgment I subjected myself to.
It is not mutually exclusive to care for oneself and to care for others.
In fact, the better I care for myself, the higher the probability is that I'll be around to care for my wife and kids.
I don't deny, nor am I ashamed of the judgment to which I subject myself.
Others are free to subject themselves to it, or ignore it. Makes no difference to me. Being judgment does not negate the truth presented in my statement.
@tbright1965 This is great and all. But since you were judged you would think that your angle would be different. It comes across that you have gotten a handle on your health and now you are jumping on the bandwagon of all the judgmental people that used to talk about you and doing it to others! Not cool IMO! Almost the attitude of 'you deserved that treatment because you were fat and/or unhealthy'.
People judge. To say that it's wrong is being judgmental yourself. I.E. you can't say it's wrong for someone to judge without you yourself making a judgment.
So to expect that people not make judgments is unrealistic. Just as I noted when I cited Dr Willard Harley's work earlier in the thread.
People are going to judge. Others are going to judge and say they shouldn't judge.
Since one cannot logically, and without contradiction make the statement that people shouldn't judge, then perhaps the most realistic course of action is to accept that people will judge, and not judge them as if your form of judgment is somehow superior to theirs, and get on with life.
Everyone's spouse or S.O. made some sort of judgment when they got into a relationship with you. You made a judgement when you entered the relationship with them.
I don't expect the world to be without judgment. Exactly the opposite, I expect it to pass many judgments on me, daily.
I wouldn't call it saying people deserve it. I'm simply saying it's a fact of life. People judge. To say they shouldn't is in fact a violation of the idea that people shouldn't judge.
Now we can talk about the best way to deliver those messages. But to expect a judgment free world is not a reasonable expectation.6 -
tbright1965 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »tbright1965 wrote: »rheddmobile wrote: »tbright1965 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »
Of course that's the bottom line. We ALL know that. I don't think you are shedding light on anything new here. My point is - don't label one class of people (fat) as lazy, because as you noted above all people can be lazy or some form of lazy.tbright1965 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »
You are correct. So in essence all people at varying fitness levels can be lazy in some form, whether that s physically, emotionally, or mentally.
The bottom line is excuses don't make results. Figure out your weak areas and work on them. Be they physical, emotional or mental.
Lazy doesn't win, no matter what form it takes.
If you don't know, do the work to learn.
If you don't move, do the work to move.
If you don't feel good, do the work it takes to feel good.
But sitting and making excuses and denying ones particular form of lazy will not produce results.
I own the fact that my form of lazy was apathy about what and how much I ate. The only thing I've changed in the past 90 days has been how I eat. I'm down 36 pounds. Still doing the same level of exercise as I did before.
It might be different for someone else. But it's some form of lazy. My lazy was lazy about what I'm eating.
Now, what people normally do is see a fat person and judge them, by stating that they are lazy, and typically lazy is not the first thought that pop into their mind when they see an average or smaller build. That was my original point.
As for everything else you typed, I agree on - no argument there.
My comment was more about the notion that people who are overweight are NOT lazy. They are, but not necessarily in the ways people think.
Now before people go GASP! He said what? It's already been established that people can be lazy even if they look perfectly healthy. So I'm not saying lazy as if I'm on some pedestal and if only "those people" would.... We all have the potential to be lazy. It may impact some more than others, or in different ways. Just because someone looks healthy doesn't mean they are. Heck, I was obese and people didn't even realize I was as heavy as I was. Even now, when I tell someone I weighed 229 this week, they looked at me and said really? Yet that is still OBESE according to the BMI calculations at 31.9. I have to get below 180 to get to a normal BMI.
And, there may be a very small number, on the order of 1 in 100 that has some real medical issue. But even with that, don't try selling us (or yourself) on it. Get yourself to the doctor and confirm your self-diagnosis. Do the work required to address your issue.
But for the other 99/100, the first step is to own that you've skipped some steps, taken some shortcuts or just haven't paid attention to what you are doing.
Again, I can hear the gasps.
No judgement, just own your actions and/or inaction and go from there. As I said before, you don't accomplish much of anything by making excuses. I would also add, you don't accomplish anything good by denying the reality. That's why I got up to 265. I was lying to myself and suggesting I was "in shape" and just a "big guy" because I could out work my 25 year old son at more than 2x his age.
Doesn't mean you have to keep being that person. I'm a firm believer in you don't have to be who you were yesterday. Anyone can be a better version of themselves tomorrow than they were yesterday. So if you've been lax in controlling what and how much you eat and what and how much you move, today and tomorrow can be different, and better.
But I think it all starts with being honest with oneself. Ultimately, the one you have to convince is yourself.
There are many reasons to be fat. One is simply having different priorities. I know many people who work constantly and are overweight because health is a low priority in their lives. Are they "lazy" because they choose saving lives in the ER, just to give one example, and grabbing fast food on the way home to collapse into bed, wake up after five hours sleep, and do it again, over planning meals and going to the gym? I suppose in your world they would find a way to do both?
You are in fact judging, whether you admit it or not, and it's very offputting and unkind.
You are right, I am judging.
The very same judgment I subjected myself to.
It is not mutually exclusive to care for oneself and to care for others.
In fact, the better I care for myself, the higher the probability is that I'll be around to care for my wife and kids.
I don't deny, nor am I ashamed of the judgment to which I subject myself.
Others are free to subject themselves to it, or ignore it. Makes no difference to me. Being judgment does not negate the truth presented in my statement.
@tbright1965 This is great and all. But since you were judged you would think that your angle would be different. It comes across that you have gotten a handle on your health and now you are jumping on the bandwagon of all the judgmental people that used to talk about you and doing it to others! Not cool IMO! Almost the attitude of 'you deserved that treatment because you were fat and/or unhealthy'.
People judge. To say that it's wrong is being judgmental yourself. I.E. you can't say it's wrong for someone to judge without you yourself making a judgment.
So to expect that people not make judgments is unrealistic. Just as I noted when I cited Dr Willard Harley's work earlier in the thread.
People are going to judge. Others are going to judge and say they shouldn't judge.
Since one cannot logically, and without contradiction make the statement that people shouldn't judge, then perhaps the most realistic course of action is to accept that people will judge, and not judge them as if your form of judgment is somehow superior to theirs, and get on with life.
Everyone's spouse or S.O. made some sort of judgment when they got into a relationship with you. You made a judgement when you entered the relationship with them.
I don't expect the world to be without judgment. Exactly the opposite, I expect it to pass many judgments on me, daily.
I wouldn't call it saying people deserve it. I'm simply saying it's a fact of life. People judge. To say they shouldn't is in fact a violation of the idea that people shouldn't judge.
Now we can talk about the best way to deliver those messages. But to expect a judgment free world is not a reasonable expectation.
I don't believe we live in a world that is non judgmental - I don't think I stated that. So for you to quote or cite is unnecessary. You confirmed that you were judging and I stated my opinion based off of it. And my statement still stands about you being judged, and for whatever reason, you change your life for the better only to jump on the same side of the people that were judging you. It's (still) not cool in my opinion. As stated before, I would have thought your angle would have been different or in your terms "the best way to deliver those messages". But hey, you have your opinion, just like I have mine.5 -
tbright1965 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »tbright1965 wrote: »rheddmobile wrote: »tbright1965 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »
Of course that's the bottom line. We ALL know that. I don't think you are shedding light on anything new here. My point is - don't label one class of people (fat) as lazy, because as you noted above all people can be lazy or some form of lazy.tbright1965 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »
You are correct. So in essence all people at varying fitness levels can be lazy in some form, whether that s physically, emotionally, or mentally.
The bottom line is excuses don't make results. Figure out your weak areas and work on them. Be they physical, emotional or mental.
Lazy doesn't win, no matter what form it takes.
If you don't know, do the work to learn.
If you don't move, do the work to move.
If you don't feel good, do the work it takes to feel good.
But sitting and making excuses and denying ones particular form of lazy will not produce results.
I own the fact that my form of lazy was apathy about what and how much I ate. The only thing I've changed in the past 90 days has been how I eat. I'm down 36 pounds. Still doing the same level of exercise as I did before.
It might be different for someone else. But it's some form of lazy. My lazy was lazy about what I'm eating.
Now, what people normally do is see a fat person and judge them, by stating that they are lazy, and typically lazy is not the first thought that pop into their mind when they see an average or smaller build. That was my original point.
As for everything else you typed, I agree on - no argument there.
My comment was more about the notion that people who are overweight are NOT lazy. They are, but not necessarily in the ways people think.
Now before people go GASP! He said what? It's already been established that people can be lazy even if they look perfectly healthy. So I'm not saying lazy as if I'm on some pedestal and if only "those people" would.... We all have the potential to be lazy. It may impact some more than others, or in different ways. Just because someone looks healthy doesn't mean they are. Heck, I was obese and people didn't even realize I was as heavy as I was. Even now, when I tell someone I weighed 229 this week, they looked at me and said really? Yet that is still OBESE according to the BMI calculations at 31.9. I have to get below 180 to get to a normal BMI.
And, there may be a very small number, on the order of 1 in 100 that has some real medical issue. But even with that, don't try selling us (or yourself) on it. Get yourself to the doctor and confirm your self-diagnosis. Do the work required to address your issue.
But for the other 99/100, the first step is to own that you've skipped some steps, taken some shortcuts or just haven't paid attention to what you are doing.
Again, I can hear the gasps.
No judgement, just own your actions and/or inaction and go from there. As I said before, you don't accomplish much of anything by making excuses. I would also add, you don't accomplish anything good by denying the reality. That's why I got up to 265. I was lying to myself and suggesting I was "in shape" and just a "big guy" because I could out work my 25 year old son at more than 2x his age.
Doesn't mean you have to keep being that person. I'm a firm believer in you don't have to be who you were yesterday. Anyone can be a better version of themselves tomorrow than they were yesterday. So if you've been lax in controlling what and how much you eat and what and how much you move, today and tomorrow can be different, and better.
But I think it all starts with being honest with oneself. Ultimately, the one you have to convince is yourself.
There are many reasons to be fat. One is simply having different priorities. I know many people who work constantly and are overweight because health is a low priority in their lives. Are they "lazy" because they choose saving lives in the ER, just to give one example, and grabbing fast food on the way home to collapse into bed, wake up after five hours sleep, and do it again, over planning meals and going to the gym? I suppose in your world they would find a way to do both?
You are in fact judging, whether you admit it or not, and it's very offputting and unkind.
You are right, I am judging.
The very same judgment I subjected myself to.
It is not mutually exclusive to care for oneself and to care for others.
In fact, the better I care for myself, the higher the probability is that I'll be around to care for my wife and kids.
I don't deny, nor am I ashamed of the judgment to which I subject myself.
Others are free to subject themselves to it, or ignore it. Makes no difference to me. Being judgment does not negate the truth presented in my statement.
@tbright1965 This is great and all. But since you were judged you would think that your angle would be different. It comes across that you have gotten a handle on your health and now you are jumping on the bandwagon of all the judgmental people that used to talk about you and doing it to others! Not cool IMO! Almost the attitude of 'you deserved that treatment because you were fat and/or unhealthy'.
People judge. To say that it's wrong is being judgmental yourself. I.E. you can't say it's wrong for someone to judge without you yourself making a judgment.
So to expect that people not make judgments is unrealistic. Just as I noted when I cited Dr Willard Harley's work earlier in the thread.
People are going to judge. Others are going to judge and say they shouldn't judge.
Since one cannot logically, and without contradiction make the statement that people shouldn't judge, then perhaps the most realistic course of action is to accept that people will judge, and not judge them as if your form of judgment is somehow superior to theirs, and get on with life.
Everyone's spouse or S.O. made some sort of judgment when they got into a relationship with you. You made a judgement when you entered the relationship with them.
I don't expect the world to be without judgment. Exactly the opposite, I expect it to pass many judgments on me, daily.
I wouldn't call it saying people deserve it. I'm simply saying it's a fact of life. People judge. To say they shouldn't is in fact a violation of the idea that people shouldn't judge.
Now we can talk about the best way to deliver those messages. But to expect a judgment free world is not a reasonable expectation.
Fine, I'm okay with making a judgment that I don't and can't know what someone else may be dealing with, so for MYSELF, I choose not to judge others who have made different choices than me.
I'm not perfect at it. I find many people's choices incomprehensible...and it can be things from why they smoke to who they voted for or where they live. But I don't know what has gone on in their lives. I don't know why the gentleman sleeping under the overpass is there. I don't know what the woman who hasn't worked for a year may be coping with. I don't know what struggle or perspective or mindset someone from a different political affiliation may be coming from. I don't know the inner workings of a marriage that may lead one party to cheat. And I don't know what the 400 lb individual may be dealing with that doesn't readily show on the outside.
I judge MYSELF as unequipped to judge others. I respect everyone who makes a sincere effort to understand instead of condemn, and I feel sorry for people who think they know everything, or prejudge others based on the fact that that person's struggle is different from their own. Because we ALL have things we struggle with. We ALL have our vices, weaknesses, and difficulties. Overweight people are unfortunate in some ways because our struggle shows on the outside. But I'd trade my weaknesses and problems for many others I could name.5 -
nickssweetheart wrote: »tbright1965 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »tbright1965 wrote: »rheddmobile wrote: »tbright1965 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »
Of course that's the bottom line. We ALL know that. I don't think you are shedding light on anything new here. My point is - don't label one class of people (fat) as lazy, because as you noted above all people can be lazy or some form of lazy.tbright1965 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »
You are correct. So in essence all people at varying fitness levels can be lazy in some form, whether that s physically, emotionally, or mentally.
The bottom line is excuses don't make results. Figure out your weak areas and work on them. Be they physical, emotional or mental.
Lazy doesn't win, no matter what form it takes.
If you don't know, do the work to learn.
If you don't move, do the work to move.
If you don't feel good, do the work it takes to feel good.
But sitting and making excuses and denying ones particular form of lazy will not produce results.
I own the fact that my form of lazy was apathy about what and how much I ate. The only thing I've changed in the past 90 days has been how I eat. I'm down 36 pounds. Still doing the same level of exercise as I did before.
It might be different for someone else. But it's some form of lazy. My lazy was lazy about what I'm eating.
Now, what people normally do is see a fat person and judge them, by stating that they are lazy, and typically lazy is not the first thought that pop into their mind when they see an average or smaller build. That was my original point.
As for everything else you typed, I agree on - no argument there.
My comment was more about the notion that people who are overweight are NOT lazy. They are, but not necessarily in the ways people think.
Now before people go GASP! He said what? It's already been established that people can be lazy even if they look perfectly healthy. So I'm not saying lazy as if I'm on some pedestal and if only "those people" would.... We all have the potential to be lazy. It may impact some more than others, or in different ways. Just because someone looks healthy doesn't mean they are. Heck, I was obese and people didn't even realize I was as heavy as I was. Even now, when I tell someone I weighed 229 this week, they looked at me and said really? Yet that is still OBESE according to the BMI calculations at 31.9. I have to get below 180 to get to a normal BMI.
And, there may be a very small number, on the order of 1 in 100 that has some real medical issue. But even with that, don't try selling us (or yourself) on it. Get yourself to the doctor and confirm your self-diagnosis. Do the work required to address your issue.
But for the other 99/100, the first step is to own that you've skipped some steps, taken some shortcuts or just haven't paid attention to what you are doing.
Again, I can hear the gasps.
No judgement, just own your actions and/or inaction and go from there. As I said before, you don't accomplish much of anything by making excuses. I would also add, you don't accomplish anything good by denying the reality. That's why I got up to 265. I was lying to myself and suggesting I was "in shape" and just a "big guy" because I could out work my 25 year old son at more than 2x his age.
Doesn't mean you have to keep being that person. I'm a firm believer in you don't have to be who you were yesterday. Anyone can be a better version of themselves tomorrow than they were yesterday. So if you've been lax in controlling what and how much you eat and what and how much you move, today and tomorrow can be different, and better.
But I think it all starts with being honest with oneself. Ultimately, the one you have to convince is yourself.
There are many reasons to be fat. One is simply having different priorities. I know many people who work constantly and are overweight because health is a low priority in their lives. Are they "lazy" because they choose saving lives in the ER, just to give one example, and grabbing fast food on the way home to collapse into bed, wake up after five hours sleep, and do it again, over planning meals and going to the gym? I suppose in your world they would find a way to do both?
You are in fact judging, whether you admit it or not, and it's very offputting and unkind.
You are right, I am judging.
The very same judgment I subjected myself to.
It is not mutually exclusive to care for oneself and to care for others.
In fact, the better I care for myself, the higher the probability is that I'll be around to care for my wife and kids.
I don't deny, nor am I ashamed of the judgment to which I subject myself.
Others are free to subject themselves to it, or ignore it. Makes no difference to me. Being judgment does not negate the truth presented in my statement.
@tbright1965 This is great and all. But since you were judged you would think that your angle would be different. It comes across that you have gotten a handle on your health and now you are jumping on the bandwagon of all the judgmental people that used to talk about you and doing it to others! Not cool IMO! Almost the attitude of 'you deserved that treatment because you were fat and/or unhealthy'.
People judge. To say that it's wrong is being judgmental yourself. I.E. you can't say it's wrong for someone to judge without you yourself making a judgment.
So to expect that people not make judgments is unrealistic. Just as I noted when I cited Dr Willard Harley's work earlier in the thread.
People are going to judge. Others are going to judge and say they shouldn't judge.
Since one cannot logically, and without contradiction make the statement that people shouldn't judge, then perhaps the most realistic course of action is to accept that people will judge, and not judge them as if your form of judgment is somehow superior to theirs, and get on with life.
Everyone's spouse or S.O. made some sort of judgment when they got into a relationship with you. You made a judgement when you entered the relationship with them.
I don't expect the world to be without judgment. Exactly the opposite, I expect it to pass many judgments on me, daily.
I wouldn't call it saying people deserve it. I'm simply saying it's a fact of life. People judge. To say they shouldn't is in fact a violation of the idea that people shouldn't judge.
Now we can talk about the best way to deliver those messages. But to expect a judgment free world is not a reasonable expectation.
Fine, I'm okay with making a judgment that I don't and can't know what someone else may be dealing with, so for MYSELF, I choose not to judge others who have made different choices than me.
I'm not perfect at it. I find many people's choices incomprehensible...and it can be things from why they smoke to who they voted for or where they live. But I don't know what has gone on in their lives. I don't know why the gentleman sleeping under the overpass is there. I don't know what the woman who hasn't worked for a year may be coping with. I don't know what struggle or perspective or mindset someone from a different political affiliation may be coming from. I don't know the inner workings of a marriage that may lead one party to cheat. And I don't know what the 400 lb individual may be dealing with that doesn't readily show on the outside.
I judge MYSELF as unequipped to judge others. I respect everyone who makes a sincere effort to understand instead of condemn, and I feel sorry for people who think they know everything, or prejudge others based on the fact that that person's struggle is different from their own. Because we ALL have things we struggle with. We ALL have our vices, weaknesses, and difficulties. Overweight people are unfortunate in some ways because our struggle shows on the outside. But I'd trade my weaknesses and problems for many others I could name.
Very well put!0 -
nickssweetheart wrote: »tbright1965 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »tbright1965 wrote: »rheddmobile wrote: »tbright1965 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »
Of course that's the bottom line. We ALL know that. I don't think you are shedding light on anything new here. My point is - don't label one class of people (fat) as lazy, because as you noted above all people can be lazy or some form of lazy.tbright1965 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »
You are correct. So in essence all people at varying fitness levels can be lazy in some form, whether that s physically, emotionally, or mentally.
The bottom line is excuses don't make results. Figure out your weak areas and work on them. Be they physical, emotional or mental.
Lazy doesn't win, no matter what form it takes.
If you don't know, do the work to learn.
If you don't move, do the work to move.
If you don't feel good, do the work it takes to feel good.
But sitting and making excuses and denying ones particular form of lazy will not produce results.
I own the fact that my form of lazy was apathy about what and how much I ate. The only thing I've changed in the past 90 days has been how I eat. I'm down 36 pounds. Still doing the same level of exercise as I did before.
It might be different for someone else. But it's some form of lazy. My lazy was lazy about what I'm eating.
Now, what people normally do is see a fat person and judge them, by stating that they are lazy, and typically lazy is not the first thought that pop into their mind when they see an average or smaller build. That was my original point.
As for everything else you typed, I agree on - no argument there.
My comment was more about the notion that people who are overweight are NOT lazy. They are, but not necessarily in the ways people think.
Now before people go GASP! He said what? It's already been established that people can be lazy even if they look perfectly healthy. So I'm not saying lazy as if I'm on some pedestal and if only "those people" would.... We all have the potential to be lazy. It may impact some more than others, or in different ways. Just because someone looks healthy doesn't mean they are. Heck, I was obese and people didn't even realize I was as heavy as I was. Even now, when I tell someone I weighed 229 this week, they looked at me and said really? Yet that is still OBESE according to the BMI calculations at 31.9. I have to get below 180 to get to a normal BMI.
And, there may be a very small number, on the order of 1 in 100 that has some real medical issue. But even with that, don't try selling us (or yourself) on it. Get yourself to the doctor and confirm your self-diagnosis. Do the work required to address your issue.
But for the other 99/100, the first step is to own that you've skipped some steps, taken some shortcuts or just haven't paid attention to what you are doing.
Again, I can hear the gasps.
No judgement, just own your actions and/or inaction and go from there. As I said before, you don't accomplish much of anything by making excuses. I would also add, you don't accomplish anything good by denying the reality. That's why I got up to 265. I was lying to myself and suggesting I was "in shape" and just a "big guy" because I could out work my 25 year old son at more than 2x his age.
Doesn't mean you have to keep being that person. I'm a firm believer in you don't have to be who you were yesterday. Anyone can be a better version of themselves tomorrow than they were yesterday. So if you've been lax in controlling what and how much you eat and what and how much you move, today and tomorrow can be different, and better.
But I think it all starts with being honest with oneself. Ultimately, the one you have to convince is yourself.
There are many reasons to be fat. One is simply having different priorities. I know many people who work constantly and are overweight because health is a low priority in their lives. Are they "lazy" because they choose saving lives in the ER, just to give one example, and grabbing fast food on the way home to collapse into bed, wake up after five hours sleep, and do it again, over planning meals and going to the gym? I suppose in your world they would find a way to do both?
You are in fact judging, whether you admit it or not, and it's very offputting and unkind.
You are right, I am judging.
The very same judgment I subjected myself to.
It is not mutually exclusive to care for oneself and to care for others.
In fact, the better I care for myself, the higher the probability is that I'll be around to care for my wife and kids.
I don't deny, nor am I ashamed of the judgment to which I subject myself.
Others are free to subject themselves to it, or ignore it. Makes no difference to me. Being judgment does not negate the truth presented in my statement.
@tbright1965 This is great and all. But since you were judged you would think that your angle would be different. It comes across that you have gotten a handle on your health and now you are jumping on the bandwagon of all the judgmental people that used to talk about you and doing it to others! Not cool IMO! Almost the attitude of 'you deserved that treatment because you were fat and/or unhealthy'.
People judge. To say that it's wrong is being judgmental yourself. I.E. you can't say it's wrong for someone to judge without you yourself making a judgment.
So to expect that people not make judgments is unrealistic. Just as I noted when I cited Dr Willard Harley's work earlier in the thread.
People are going to judge. Others are going to judge and say they shouldn't judge.
Since one cannot logically, and without contradiction make the statement that people shouldn't judge, then perhaps the most realistic course of action is to accept that people will judge, and not judge them as if your form of judgment is somehow superior to theirs, and get on with life.
Everyone's spouse or S.O. made some sort of judgment when they got into a relationship with you. You made a judgement when you entered the relationship with them.
I don't expect the world to be without judgment. Exactly the opposite, I expect it to pass many judgments on me, daily.
I wouldn't call it saying people deserve it. I'm simply saying it's a fact of life. People judge. To say they shouldn't is in fact a violation of the idea that people shouldn't judge.
Now we can talk about the best way to deliver those messages. But to expect a judgment free world is not a reasonable expectation.
Fine, I'm okay with making a judgment that I don't and can't know what someone else may be dealing with, so for MYSELF, I choose not to judge others who have made different choices than me.
I'm not perfect at it. I find many people's choices incomprehensible...and it can be things from why they smoke to who they voted for or where they live. But I don't know what has gone on in their lives. I don't know why the gentleman sleeping under the overpass is there. I don't know what the woman who hasn't worked for a year may be coping with. I don't know what struggle or perspective or mindset someone from a different political affiliation may be coming from. I don't know the inner workings of a marriage that may lead one party to cheat. And I don't know what the 400 lb individual may be dealing with that doesn't readily show on the outside.
I judge MYSELF as unequipped to judge others. I respect everyone who makes a sincere effort to understand instead of condemn, and I feel sorry for people who think they know everything, or prejudge others based on the fact that that person's struggle is different from their own. Because we ALL have things we struggle with. We ALL have our vices, weaknesses, and difficulties. Overweight people are unfortunate in some ways because our struggle shows on the outside. But I'd trade my weaknesses and problems for many others I could name.
Spot the judgement...
Found it!
There is nothing wrong with the act of judgement, just keep it in line and keep the hypocrisy at a minimum.7 -
[/quote]
Fine, I'm okay with making a judgment that I don't and can't know what someone else may be dealing with, so for MYSELF, I choose not to judge others who have made different choices than me.
I'm not perfect at it. I find many people's choices incomprehensible...and it can be things from why they smoke to who they voted for or where they live. But I don't know what has gone on in their lives. I don't know why the gentleman sleeping under the overpass is there. I don't know what the woman who hasn't worked for a year may be coping with. I don't know what struggle or perspective or mindset someone from a different political affiliation may be coming from. I don't know the inner workings of a marriage that may lead one party to cheat. And I don't know what the 400 lb individual may be dealing with that doesn't readily show on the outside.
I judge MYSELF as unequipped to judge others. I respect everyone who makes a sincere effort to understand instead of condemn, and I feel sorry for people who think they know everything, or prejudge others based on the fact that that person's struggle is different from their own. Because we ALL have things we struggle with. We ALL have our vices, weaknesses, and difficulties. Overweight people are unfortunate in some ways because our struggle shows on the outside. But I'd trade my weaknesses and problems for many others I could name.[/quote]
Spot the judgement...
Found it!
There is nothing wrong with the act of judgement, just keep it in line and keep the hypocrisy at a minimum. [/quote]
@CSARdiver - Very wise words!!!!0 -
nickssweetheart wrote: »tbright1965 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »tbright1965 wrote: »rheddmobile wrote: »tbright1965 wrote: »
My comment was more about the notion that people who are overweight are NOT lazy. They are, but not necessarily in the ways people think.
Now before people go GASP! He said what? It's already been established that people can be lazy even if they look perfectly healthy. So I'm not saying lazy as if I'm on some pedestal and if only "those people" would.... We all have the potential to be lazy. It may impact some more than others, or in different ways. Just because someone looks healthy doesn't mean they are. Heck, I was obese and people didn't even realize I was as heavy as I was. Even now, when I tell someone I weighed 229 this week, they looked at me and said really? Yet that is still OBESE according to the BMI calculations at 31.9. I have to get below 180 to get to a normal BMI.
And, there may be a very small number, on the order of 1 in 100 that has some real medical issue. But even with that, don't try selling us (or yourself) on it. Get yourself to the doctor and confirm your self-diagnosis. Do the work required to address your issue.
But for the other 99/100, the first step is to own that you've skipped some steps, taken some shortcuts or just haven't paid attention to what you are doing.
Again, I can hear the gasps.
No judgement, just own your actions and/or inaction and go from there. As I said before, you don't accomplish much of anything by making excuses. I would also add, you don't accomplish anything good by denying the reality. That's why I got up to 265. I was lying to myself and suggesting I was "in shape" and just a "big guy" because I could out work my 25 year old son at more than 2x his age.
Doesn't mean you have to keep being that person. I'm a firm believer in you don't have to be who you were yesterday. Anyone can be a better version of themselves tomorrow than they were yesterday. So if you've been lax in controlling what and how much you eat and what and how much you move, today and tomorrow can be different, and better.
But I think it all starts with being honest with oneself. Ultimately, the one you have to convince is yourself.
There are many reasons to be fat. One is simply having different priorities. I know many people who work constantly and are overweight because health is a low priority in their lives. Are they "lazy" because they choose saving lives in the ER, just to give one example, and grabbing fast food on the way home to collapse into bed, wake up after five hours sleep, and do it again, over planning meals and going to the gym? I suppose in your world they would find a way to do both?
You are in fact judging, whether you admit it or not, and it's very offputting and unkind.
You are right, I am judging.
The very same judgment I subjected myself to.
It is not mutually exclusive to care for oneself and to care for others.
In fact, the better I care for myself, the higher the probability is that I'll be around to care for my wife and kids.
I don't deny, nor am I ashamed of the judgment to which I subject myself.
Others are free to subject themselves to it, or ignore it. Makes no difference to me. Being judgment does not negate the truth presented in my statement.
@tbright1965 This is great and all. But since you were judged you would think that your angle would be different. It comes across that you have gotten a handle on your health and now you are jumping on the bandwagon of all the judgmental people that used to talk about you and doing it to others! Not cool IMO! Almost the attitude of 'you deserved that treatment because you were fat and/or unhealthy'.
People judge. To say that it's wrong is being judgmental yourself. I.E. you can't say it's wrong for someone to judge without you yourself making a judgment.
So to expect that people not make judgments is unrealistic. Just as I noted when I cited Dr Willard Harley's work earlier in the thread.
People are going to judge. Others are going to judge and say they shouldn't judge.
Since one cannot logically, and without contradiction make the statement that people shouldn't judge, then perhaps the most realistic course of action is to accept that people will judge, and not judge them as if your form of judgment is somehow superior to theirs, and get on with life.
Everyone's spouse or S.O. made some sort of judgment when they got into a relationship with you. You made a judgement when you entered the relationship with them.
I don't expect the world to be without judgment. Exactly the opposite, I expect it to pass many judgments on me, daily.
I wouldn't call it saying people deserve it. I'm simply saying it's a fact of life. People judge. To say they shouldn't is in fact a violation of the idea that people shouldn't judge.
Now we can talk about the best way to deliver those messages. But to expect a judgment free world is not a reasonable expectation.
Fine, I'm okay with making a judgment that I don't and can't know what someone else may be dealing with, so for MYSELF, I choose not to judge others who have made different choices than me.
I'm not perfect at it. I find many people's choices incomprehensible...and it can be things from why they smoke to who they voted for or where they live. But I don't know what has gone on in their lives. I don't know why the gentleman sleeping under the overpass is there. I don't know what the woman who hasn't worked for a year may be coping with. I don't know what struggle or perspective or mindset someone from a different political affiliation may be coming from. I don't know the inner workings of a marriage that may lead one party to cheat. And I don't know what the 400 lb individual may be dealing with that doesn't readily show on the outside.
I judge MYSELF as unequipped to judge others. I respect everyone who makes a sincere effort to understand instead of condemn, and I feel sorry for people who think they know everything, or prejudge others based on the fact that that person's struggle is different from their own. Because we ALL have things we struggle with. We ALL have our vices, weaknesses, and difficulties. Overweight people are unfortunate in some ways because our struggle shows on the outside. But I'd trade my weaknesses and problems for many others I could name.
Spot the judgement...
Found it!
There is nothing wrong with the act of judgement, just keep it in line and keep the hypocrisy at a minimum.
Too easy
Humans are inconsistent. We don't apply the same standards to ourselves as we often do to others. We see this personally, we see this socially, we see this politically.
For what it's worth, I thought I was being pretty clear that the judgment I was passing was on myself. Yes, I did say we are ALL lazy. Not sure that's a judgment since I labeled all of humanity with that observation.
But I did call MYSELF out for my particular form of lazy. I simply asked people to be honest with themselves about their form of lazy.
As someone said, and it could be in this topic or elsewhere, when asked about how they lost weight, and I paraphrase, they said they simply watched what they ate and made sure they were eating fewer calories than they burned.
After being questioned in a manner where the person didn't believe such a thing was possible, they finally said they were on the bacon fat and doughnut diet (or some equally ridiculous thing.)
The bottom line is people are looking for EASY solutions.
Why? Because we are lazy.
Or they are not looking for solutions at all. Which I contend is a form of lazy.
Not saying I'm different or superior. I look for the easy button every chance I get.
My lazy is different, not better, not worse, than that of any other person.
That is what I was saying.
Heck, I'm lazy about my logging. I round certain things up to leave margin so I don't have to log other things. Who cares if I have some extra raw spinach if I'm over logging my bacon and cheese?
Lazy!
Not better, not worse, just making it work for me.
3 -
tbright1965 wrote: »nickssweetheart wrote: »tbright1965 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »tbright1965 wrote: »rheddmobile wrote: »tbright1965 wrote: »
My comment was more about the notion that people who are overweight are NOT lazy. They are, but not necessarily in the ways people think.
Now before people go GASP! He said what? It's already been established that people can be lazy even if they look perfectly healthy. So I'm not saying lazy as if I'm on some pedestal and if only "those people" would.... We all have the potential to be lazy. It may impact some more than others, or in different ways. Just because someone looks healthy doesn't mean they are. Heck, I was obese and people didn't even realize I was as heavy as I was. Even now, when I tell someone I weighed 229 this week, they looked at me and said really? Yet that is still OBESE according to the BMI calculations at 31.9. I have to get below 180 to get to a normal BMI.
And, there may be a very small number, on the order of 1 in 100 that has some real medical issue. But even with that, don't try selling us (or yourself) on it. Get yourself to the doctor and confirm your self-diagnosis. Do the work required to address your issue.
But for the other 99/100, the first step is to own that you've skipped some steps, taken some shortcuts or just haven't paid attention to what you are doing.
Again, I can hear the gasps.
No judgement, just own your actions and/or inaction and go from there. As I said before, you don't accomplish much of anything by making excuses. I would also add, you don't accomplish anything good by denying the reality. That's why I got up to 265. I was lying to myself and suggesting I was "in shape" and just a "big guy" because I could out work my 25 year old son at more than 2x his age.
Doesn't mean you have to keep being that person. I'm a firm believer in you don't have to be who you were yesterday. Anyone can be a better version of themselves tomorrow than they were yesterday. So if you've been lax in controlling what and how much you eat and what and how much you move, today and tomorrow can be different, and better.
But I think it all starts with being honest with oneself. Ultimately, the one you have to convince is yourself.
There are many reasons to be fat. One is simply having different priorities. I know many people who work constantly and are overweight because health is a low priority in their lives. Are they "lazy" because they choose saving lives in the ER, just to give one example, and grabbing fast food on the way home to collapse into bed, wake up after five hours sleep, and do it again, over planning meals and going to the gym? I suppose in your world they would find a way to do both?
You are in fact judging, whether you admit it or not, and it's very offputting and unkind.
You are right, I am judging.
The very same judgment I subjected myself to.
It is not mutually exclusive to care for oneself and to care for others.
In fact, the better I care for myself, the higher the probability is that I'll be around to care for my wife and kids.
I don't deny, nor am I ashamed of the judgment to which I subject myself.
Others are free to subject themselves to it, or ignore it. Makes no difference to me. Being judgment does not negate the truth presented in my statement.
@tbright1965 This is great and all. But since you were judged you would think that your angle would be different. It comes across that you have gotten a handle on your health and now you are jumping on the bandwagon of all the judgmental people that used to talk about you and doing it to others! Not cool IMO! Almost the attitude of 'you deserved that treatment because you were fat and/or unhealthy'.
People judge. To say that it's wrong is being judgmental yourself. I.E. you can't say it's wrong for someone to judge without you yourself making a judgment.
So to expect that people not make judgments is unrealistic. Just as I noted when I cited Dr Willard Harley's work earlier in the thread.
People are going to judge. Others are going to judge and say they shouldn't judge.
Since one cannot logically, and without contradiction make the statement that people shouldn't judge, then perhaps the most realistic course of action is to accept that people will judge, and not judge them as if your form of judgment is somehow superior to theirs, and get on with life.
Everyone's spouse or S.O. made some sort of judgment when they got into a relationship with you. You made a judgement when you entered the relationship with them.
I don't expect the world to be without judgment. Exactly the opposite, I expect it to pass many judgments on me, daily.
I wouldn't call it saying people deserve it. I'm simply saying it's a fact of life. People judge. To say they shouldn't is in fact a violation of the idea that people shouldn't judge.
Now we can talk about the best way to deliver those messages. But to expect a judgment free world is not a reasonable expectation.
Fine, I'm okay with making a judgment that I don't and can't know what someone else may be dealing with, so for MYSELF, I choose not to judge others who have made different choices than me.
I'm not perfect at it. I find many people's choices incomprehensible...and it can be things from why they smoke to who they voted for or where they live. But I don't know what has gone on in their lives. I don't know why the gentleman sleeping under the overpass is there. I don't know what the woman who hasn't worked for a year may be coping with. I don't know what struggle or perspective or mindset someone from a different political affiliation may be coming from. I don't know the inner workings of a marriage that may lead one party to cheat. And I don't know what the 400 lb individual may be dealing with that doesn't readily show on the outside.
I judge MYSELF as unequipped to judge others. I respect everyone who makes a sincere effort to understand instead of condemn, and I feel sorry for people who think they know everything, or prejudge others based on the fact that that person's struggle is different from their own. Because we ALL have things we struggle with. We ALL have our vices, weaknesses, and difficulties. Overweight people are unfortunate in some ways because our struggle shows on the outside. But I'd trade my weaknesses and problems for many others I could name.
Spot the judgement...
Found it!
There is nothing wrong with the act of judgement, just keep it in line and keep the hypocrisy at a minimum.
Too easy
Humans are inconsistent. We don't apply the same standards to ourselves as we often do to others. We see this personally, we see this socially, we see this politically.
For what it's worth, I thought I was being pretty clear that the judgment I was passing was on myself. Yes, I did say we are ALL lazy. Not sure that's a judgment since I labeled all of humanity with that observation.
But I did call MYSELF out for my particular form of lazy. I simply asked people to be honest with themselves about their form of lazy.
As someone said, and it could be in this topic or elsewhere, when asked about how they lost weight, and I paraphrase, they said they simply watched what they ate and made sure they were eating fewer calories than they burned.
After being questioned in a manner where the person didn't believe such a thing was possible, they finally said they were on the bacon fat and doughnut diet (or some equally ridiculous thing.)
The bottom line is people are looking for EASY solutions.
Why? Because we are lazy.
Or they are not looking for solutions at all. Which I contend is a form of lazy.
Not saying I'm different or superior. I look for the easy button every chance I get.
My lazy is different, not better, not worse, than that of any other person.
That is what I was saying.
Heck, I'm lazy about my logging. I round certain things up to leave margin so I don't have to log other things. Who cares if I have some extra raw spinach if I'm over logging my bacon and cheese?
Lazy!
Not better, not worse, just making it work for me.
I am in agreement. I am also a lazy logger and often enter 1.2 to compensate for the degree of error. I consider this as part of my personal time management. I focus on what matters and ignore the rest.
It isn't possible to be offended unless what's being stated is true. This is where we get to the heart and root cause of the matter - reality conflicting with fantasy.
Lazy can be a phenomenal stimulus. The bulk of inventions created over the past century were born out of laziness. The massive rise of restaurants and drive through windows - all born of laziness. We are reaching a point where we will soon need to deliberately be less efficient or suffer the consequences, most notably obesity.2 -
nickssweetheart wrote: »tbright1965 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »tbright1965 wrote: »rheddmobile wrote: »tbright1965 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »
Of course that's the bottom line. We ALL know that. I don't think you are shedding light on anything new here. My point is - don't label one class of people (fat) as lazy, because as you noted above all people can be lazy or some form of lazy.tbright1965 wrote: »STLBADGIRL wrote: »
You are correct. So in essence all people at varying fitness levels can be lazy in some form, whether that s physically, emotionally, or mentally.
The bottom line is excuses don't make results. Figure out your weak areas and work on them. Be they physical, emotional or mental.
Lazy doesn't win, no matter what form it takes.
If you don't know, do the work to learn.
If you don't move, do the work to move.
If you don't feel good, do the work it takes to feel good.
But sitting and making excuses and denying ones particular form of lazy will not produce results.
I own the fact that my form of lazy was apathy about what and how much I ate. The only thing I've changed in the past 90 days has been how I eat. I'm down 36 pounds. Still doing the same level of exercise as I did before.
It might be different for someone else. But it's some form of lazy. My lazy was lazy about what I'm eating.
Now, what people normally do is see a fat person and judge them, by stating that they are lazy, and typically lazy is not the first thought that pop into their mind when they see an average or smaller build. That was my original point.
As for everything else you typed, I agree on - no argument there.
My comment was more about the notion that people who are overweight are NOT lazy. They are, but not necessarily in the ways people think.
Now before people go GASP! He said what? It's already been established that people can be lazy even if they look perfectly healthy. So I'm not saying lazy as if I'm on some pedestal and if only "those people" would.... We all have the potential to be lazy. It may impact some more than others, or in different ways. Just because someone looks healthy doesn't mean they are. Heck, I was obese and people didn't even realize I was as heavy as I was. Even now, when I tell someone I weighed 229 this week, they looked at me and said really? Yet that is still OBESE according to the BMI calculations at 31.9. I have to get below 180 to get to a normal BMI.
And, there may be a very small number, on the order of 1 in 100 that has some real medical issue. But even with that, don't try selling us (or yourself) on it. Get yourself to the doctor and confirm your self-diagnosis. Do the work required to address your issue.
But for the other 99/100, the first step is to own that you've skipped some steps, taken some shortcuts or just haven't paid attention to what you are doing.
Again, I can hear the gasps.
No judgement, just own your actions and/or inaction and go from there. As I said before, you don't accomplish much of anything by making excuses. I would also add, you don't accomplish anything good by denying the reality. That's why I got up to 265. I was lying to myself and suggesting I was "in shape" and just a "big guy" because I could out work my 25 year old son at more than 2x his age.
Doesn't mean you have to keep being that person. I'm a firm believer in you don't have to be who you were yesterday. Anyone can be a better version of themselves tomorrow than they were yesterday. So if you've been lax in controlling what and how much you eat and what and how much you move, today and tomorrow can be different, and better.
But I think it all starts with being honest with oneself. Ultimately, the one you have to convince is yourself.
There are many reasons to be fat. One is simply having different priorities. I know many people who work constantly and are overweight because health is a low priority in their lives. Are they "lazy" because they choose saving lives in the ER, just to give one example, and grabbing fast food on the way home to collapse into bed, wake up after five hours sleep, and do it again, over planning meals and going to the gym? I suppose in your world they would find a way to do both?
You are in fact judging, whether you admit it or not, and it's very offputting and unkind.
You are right, I am judging.
The very same judgment I subjected myself to.
It is not mutually exclusive to care for oneself and to care for others.
In fact, the better I care for myself, the higher the probability is that I'll be around to care for my wife and kids.
I don't deny, nor am I ashamed of the judgment to which I subject myself.
Others are free to subject themselves to it, or ignore it. Makes no difference to me. Being judgment does not negate the truth presented in my statement.
@tbright1965 This is great and all. But since you were judged you would think that your angle would be different. It comes across that you have gotten a handle on your health and now you are jumping on the bandwagon of all the judgmental people that used to talk about you and doing it to others! Not cool IMO! Almost the attitude of 'you deserved that treatment because you were fat and/or unhealthy'.
People judge. To say that it's wrong is being judgmental yourself. I.E. you can't say it's wrong for someone to judge without you yourself making a judgment.
So to expect that people not make judgments is unrealistic. Just as I noted when I cited Dr Willard Harley's work earlier in the thread.
People are going to judge. Others are going to judge and say they shouldn't judge.
Since one cannot logically, and without contradiction make the statement that people shouldn't judge, then perhaps the most realistic course of action is to accept that people will judge, and not judge them as if your form of judgment is somehow superior to theirs, and get on with life.
Everyone's spouse or S.O. made some sort of judgment when they got into a relationship with you. You made a judgement when you entered the relationship with them.
I don't expect the world to be without judgment. Exactly the opposite, I expect it to pass many judgments on me, daily.
I wouldn't call it saying people deserve it. I'm simply saying it's a fact of life. People judge. To say they shouldn't is in fact a violation of the idea that people shouldn't judge.
Now we can talk about the best way to deliver those messages. But to expect a judgment free world is not a reasonable expectation.
Fine, I'm okay with making a judgment that I don't and can't know what someone else may be dealing with, so for MYSELF, I choose not to judge others who have made different choices than me.
I'm not perfect at it. I find many people's choices incomprehensible...and it can be things from why they smoke to who they voted for or where they live. But I don't know what has gone on in their lives. I don't know why the gentleman sleeping under the overpass is there. I don't know what the woman who hasn't worked for a year may be coping with. I don't know what struggle or perspective or mindset someone from a different political affiliation may be coming from. I don't know the inner workings of a marriage that may lead one party to cheat. And I don't know what the 400 lb individual may be dealing with that doesn't readily show on the outside.
I judge MYSELF as unequipped to judge others. I respect everyone who makes a sincere effort to understand instead of condemn, and I feel sorry for people who think they know everything, or prejudge others based on the fact that that person's struggle is different from their own. Because we ALL have things we struggle with. We ALL have our vices, weaknesses, and difficulties. Overweight people are unfortunate in some ways because our struggle shows on the outside. But I'd trade my weaknesses and problems for many others I could name.
Spot the judgement...
Found it!
There is nothing wrong with the act of judgement, just keep it in line and keep the hypocrisy at a minimum.
I acknowledged I wasn't perfect at it. But it's what I strive to live by every day. If that makes me a hypocrite so be it.0 -
I think that ultimately it’s down to you to look how you want. If your happy and comfortable as you are then your other half should respect it. If you are becoming unhappy and unhealthy then I think it’s nice to have motivation and support from your other half to help you reach your end goal. I see to many people complain that they “aren’t attracted” to their partner anymore etc and I just think those people need to learn to accept that this is the person they are with, and shouldn’t push someone to change if it’s not what that person wants as it’s their body and their life1
-
Mandylou19912014 wrote: »I think that ultimately it’s down to you to look how you want. If your happy and comfortable as you are then your other half should respect it. If you are becoming unhappy and unhealthy then I think it’s nice to have motivation and support from your other half to help you reach your end goal. I see to many people complain that they “aren’t attracted” to their partner anymore etc and I just think those people need to learn to accept that this is the person they are with, and shouldn’t push someone to change if it’s not what that person wants as it’s their body and their life
Did you happen to see my links to what Dr Harley says about this?
If one gets a complaint from their spouse, for anything, it's annoying for sure. Just like getting an overdraft notice from the bank. But it is key information. Something we are doing is causing a withdrawal from our love bank account with our spouse.
We have the choice to address it, and stop the withdrawals, or keep doing it and further eroding the love our spouse has for us.
Love isn't a feeling, it's an action. When we take actions that irritate annoy or otherwise bother our spouse, or fail to take actions that demonstrate we love them, we do it at the peril of our relationships.
As much as we would love for it to be easy, unconditional and without judgment, romantic love is none of those things. There were conditions that allowed you to pursue a romantic relationship with your spouse. There are conditions that will make you not want to be in a romantic relationship with your spouse. And the same is true in the other direction.
If one continues to overdraft their love bank account, the other spouse may simply close the account and the romantic relationship is over.
So sure, you can just be "happy and comfortable" and ignore the complaints of your spouse. But one does that at the risk of ruining the romantic relationship.
Finally, if one is against pushing someone to change, then isn't it just as bad to push someone to change their expectations? After all, telling someone to lower their standards or expectations is as much a push to change as is asking someone to lose weight, exercise more, etc.
So why do the calls against pushing for change not apply to those pushing people to change what they like in a spouse?
I call double standard.4
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