What’s a red flag for you?
Replies
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There is a difference between say
"Hey, let's go to the movies. I'll buy the tickets and if you will buy the snacks" and say "I would like to take you to the movies".
That to me seems like a casual agreement and the other is an offer. I wouldnt expect for him to pay every time and I do hold the door for my husband or even other people. Its a gesture of kindness and holding someone high enough regard or respect to do so.
Also Im a feminist but I certainly would not berate someone who was kind enough to open a door for me. Open a door for someone because its a decent human being thing to do...not because Im a woman. I dont need my bills paid or gifts. I can certainly take care of myself. But an offer to do so or a unexpected gift is not offensive.
What is offensive is too assume that because you paid for a date, gift or whatever...that I then owe you. I owe you nothing except to treat you with respect and courtesy.9 -
If I don’t hear from him, his number gets deleted. Then when he contacts me and I don’t recognize the number, he gets the “who’s this?”
No tolerance here.
😂
I literally forget what a guy looks like if I am not seeing him. When I turn his memory to ash - deleted from my mind. The experiences I archive.1 -
GymGoddessGoals wrote: »
What is offensive is too assume that because you paid for a date, gift or whatever...that I then owe you. I owe you nothing except to treat you with respect and courtesy.
💯
3 -
777Gemma888 wrote: »If I don’t hear from him, his number gets deleted. Then when he contacts me and I don’t recognize the number, he gets the “who’s this?”
No tolerance here.
😂
I literally forget what a guy looks like if I am not seeing him. When I turn his memory to ash - deleted from my mind. The experiences I archive.
😁
2 -
It's a red flag when she says that she's jealous of my kids because they get more time with me than she does….
Yeah,
Get oughta my house. 13 -
Deadman_Diggingup wrote: »It's a red flag when she says that she's jealous of my kids because they get more time with me than she does….
Yeah, Get oughta my house.
Any woman who does that is certifiable. Outta your house to the nuthouse.3 -
GymGoddessGoals wrote: »
What is offensive is too assume that because you paid for a date, gift or whatever...that I then owe you. I owe you nothing except to treat you with respect and courtesy.
Yes!
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777Gemma888 wrote: »mattig89ch wrote: »mattig89ch wrote: »mattig89ch wrote: »The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.
I expect this.
Yep, is why I've tried to avoid flirting with you. Your cute, but we're def not compatible.
Wow. Lol.
What?seltzermint555 wrote: »mattig89ch wrote: »The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.
I expect this.
At the risk of sounding seriously old-fashioned and maybe even sexist, I do too.
I think for a lot of women it is just a basic expectation in dating especially in those earliest stages. Almost like a self-esteem thing, as sometimes it seems when you split everything or pick up the tab as a woman on Dates 1-3 you're opening the door for freeloading types of guys. I guess it may come across as feeling "owed" something to refuse to accept that sort of thing.
Just my opinion...but I think the red flag would be a woman who expects the man she is dating to pay for all of her things when shopping, buy expensive gifts, or pay the majority of bills when moving in together, serious stuff like that. By the time the couple is exclusive I think most women are more than willing to start paying for some things on dates and aren't gonna lose their minds if the guy doesn't open their door.CoffeeAndContour wrote: »seltzermint555 wrote: »mattig89ch wrote: »The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.
I expect this.
At the risk of sounding seriously old-fashioned and maybe even sexist, I do too.
I think for a lot of women it is just a basic expectation in dating especially in those earliest stages. Almost like a self-esteem thing, as sometimes it seems when you split everything or pick up the tab as a woman on Dates 1-3 you're opening the door for freeloading types of guys. Other women just refuse to accept that sort of thing.
Just my opinion...but I think the red flag would be a woman who expects the man she is dating to pay for all of her things when shopping, buy expensive gifts, or pay the majority of bills when moving in together, serious stuff like that.
I agree with everything you said. I’ve agreed to pay on dates before and they were sometimes offended. Never did they take me up on this offer until further in the relationship.
I’m kind of old fashion too. I think opening the door for me is sweet, paying for meal is what I’ve always know. I don’t expect it, but it’s nice.
Huh...maybe this is a NY cultural thing then? Cause I've talked to more then a few local couples, and the first date, they either paid for themselves, or found a way to equate the balance of payment somehow. Guy buys tickets to the movie, girl buys snacks. Or one gets dinner the first time out, the other gets dinner the second time out. That sort of thing. Plus I've seen more then a few women hold open the door for their male counterparts around me. Normally, its who reaches the door first. Married, dating, or single.
Most women I know won’t pay at all, ever. I definitely offer to pay sometimes, just not on the first one or two dates.
Think it's a SoCal man thing Noosh. I don't even realise my date has paid, when I was dating. Very tactfully done, rather than displayed. Showboating isn't their thing.
I don't think that is a SoCal thing. I think it would be rude to pay but then say how much it cost or that it was expensive. Or worse to pay the check only say "wow you're expensive." It implies that somehow Im indebted because you spent a lot of money or that Im hold less value.4 -
mattig89ch wrote: »mattig89ch wrote: »mattig89ch wrote: »The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.
I expect this.
Yep, is why I've tried to avoid flirting with you. Your cute, but we're def not compatible.
Wow. Lol.
What?seltzermint555 wrote: »mattig89ch wrote: »The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.
I expect this.
At the risk of sounding seriously old-fashioned and maybe even sexist, I do too.
I think for a lot of women it is just a basic expectation in dating especially in those earliest stages. Almost like a self-esteem thing, as sometimes it seems when you split everything or pick up the tab as a woman on Dates 1-3 you're opening the door for freeloading types of guys. I guess it may come across as feeling "owed" something to refuse to accept that sort of thing.
Just my opinion...but I think the red flag would be a woman who expects the man she is dating to pay for all of her things when shopping, buy expensive gifts, or pay the majority of bills when moving in together, serious stuff like that. By the time the couple is exclusive I think most women are more than willing to start paying for some things on dates and aren't gonna lose their minds if the guy doesn't open their door.CoffeeAndContour wrote: »seltzermint555 wrote: »mattig89ch wrote: »The one red flag I've figured out, is her expecting to be treated like a queen from the go. I'm a believer in equality. So expecting me to hold a door, or pay for the meal, ect. is a giant red flag for me. I'm not saying I wouldn't do these things. just, going into something, expecting the other person to owe you something, is a big no no for me.
I expect this.
At the risk of sounding seriously old-fashioned and maybe even sexist, I do too.
I think for a lot of women it is just a basic expectation in dating especially in those earliest stages. Almost like a self-esteem thing, as sometimes it seems when you split everything or pick up the tab as a woman on Dates 1-3 you're opening the door for freeloading types of guys. Other women just refuse to accept that sort of thing.
Just my opinion...but I think the red flag would be a woman who expects the man she is dating to pay for all of her things when shopping, buy expensive gifts, or pay the majority of bills when moving in together, serious stuff like that.
I agree with everything you said. I’ve agreed to pay on dates before and they were sometimes offended. Never did they take me up on this offer until further in the relationship.
I’m kind of old fashion too. I think opening the door for me is sweet, paying for meal is what I’ve always know. I don’t expect it, but it’s nice.
Huh...maybe this is a NY cultural thing then? Cause I've talked to more then a few local couples, and the first date, they either paid for themselves, or found a way to equate the balance of payment somehow. Guy buys tickets to the movie, girl buys snacks. Or one gets dinner the first time out, the other gets dinner the second time out. That sort of thing. Plus I've seen more then a few women hold open the door for their male counterparts around me. Normally, its who reaches the door first. Married, dating, or single.
I think its a generational thing maybe? Im a New Yorker and i pay for my dates, and i hold doors. Maybe its old fashioned but its how i am. If its a pull out door i open it and let her walk in first. If its a push in door i will go first and push it open and hold it. If this offended her i would not be sure how to react to it. I just always thought this was the way to act with a lady.
In the black community, we would say, " you are a man with good home training." From observation, you are just an altogether genuinely good guy.2 -
GymGoddessGoals wrote: »tinkerhellraiser wrote: »
oh no there’s so many other reasons people could be not texting u back or not texting first
they could be overwhelmed with work & life or if they are depressed or got anxiety they could be afraid of being a burden or withdrawing in general
like if u dont feel happy with someone or dont like talking to them, then ya dont reach out but tit-for-tat in who sends messages or calls first is dumb imo
I certainly understand this. We all go through this. And I wouldn't say that I am tit-for-tat on the subject. However, it is easily noticeable when a person is never the first to reach out. There is generally some give and take in any relationship.
I usually walk away when it's someone I am dating and it's been 3 weeks of me always being the one reaching out and him only responding when I do, but always having excuses to not see me. (this happened to me twice this year....)
For a friend, I will give it a few months to see if this is just bad timing or the normal behavior. After a few months, if I am the only one initiating anything, I'm out. It's too much work for someone who apparently isn't interested.
You are way more patient than me. I’m not about to go 3 weeks reaching out to a guy who never initiates conversation.
If he doesn’t reach out for 2 days and we are actually dating, I’m done.
The problem with one of them was that he had a lot going on. Like, legitimately had a lot (kid broke a bone, bought a new business, etc...). And he always responded with more than 1-3 words when I messaged him. I saw him once after 2 weeks, and then a few days after that he just stopped responding to me. So I gave it a few days, sent a last ditch effort text, nothing happened, no response. So I dropped it. I clearly had already been dropped, but I had hope... We had been dating for 2 months...
The other guy told me he was sick. FOR A MONTH. The flu. I understand a week or two, but come on. So after 3 weeks I noticed he was only responding to me, not ever reaching out. So I stopped reaching out to see what happened. I didn't hear from him for about 3 months. He sent me a "Happy Mother's Day" text. *insert eye roll here* We had only been on 3 dates, though.
What did he expect that would garner from you? Chalk it up to you dodging a bullet.3 -
GymGoddessGoals wrote: »There is a difference between say
"Hey, let's go to the movies. I'll buy the tickets and if you will buy the snacks" and say "I would like to take you to the movies".
That to me seems like a casual agreement and the other is an offer. I wouldnt expect for him to pay every time and I do hold the door for my husband or even other people. Its a gesture of kindness and holding someone high enough regard or respect to do so.
Also Im a feminist but I certainly would not berate someone who was kind enough to open a door for me. Open a door for someone because its a decent human being thing to do...not because Im a woman. I dont need my bills paid or gifts. I can certainly take care of myself. But an offer to do so or a unexpected gift is not offensive.
What is offensive is too assume that because you paid for a date, gift or whatever...that I then owe you. I owe you nothing except to treat you with respect and courtesy.
Yes. This👆1 -
I definitely expect to day on first few dates. I wouldnt be offended if she insisted on paying her share, but I do expect to. Unless I forget my wallet, and yes, this did happen
4 -
GymGoddessGoals wrote: »There is a difference between say
"Hey, let's go to the movies. I'll buy the tickets and if you will buy the snacks" and say "I would like to take you to the movies".
That to me seems like a casual agreement and the other is an offer. I wouldnt expect for him to pay every time and I do hold the door for my husband or even other people. Its a gesture of kindness and holding someone high enough regard or respect to do so.
Also Im a feminist but I certainly would not berate someone who was kind enough to open a door for me. Open a door for someone because its a decent human being thing to do...not because Im a woman. I dont need my bills paid or gifts. I can certainly take care of myself. But an offer to do so or a unexpected gift is not offensive.
What is offensive is too assume that because you paid for a date, gift or whatever...that I then owe you. I owe you nothing except to treat you with respect and courtesy.
Aren't those two both offers to spend time with each other?
Also, that's what I thought would happen. But...*shrug*
Finally, I agree with everything you said. 100%2 -
Pandemonium_ wrote: »I definitely expect to day on first few dates. I wouldnt be offended if she insisted on paying her share, but I do expect to. Unless I forget my wallet, and yes, this did happen
😂🤣3 -
mattig89ch wrote: »GymGoddessGoals wrote: »There is a difference between say
"Hey, let's go to the movies. I'll buy the tickets and if you will buy the snacks" and say "I would like to take you to the movies".
That to me seems like a casual agreement and the other is an offer. I wouldnt expect for him to pay every time and I do hold the door for my husband or even other people. Its a gesture of kindness and holding someone high enough regard or respect to do so.
Also Im a feminist but I certainly would not berate someone who was kind enough to open a door for me. Open a door for someone because its a decent human being thing to do...not because Im a woman. I dont need my bills paid or gifts. I can certainly take care of myself. But an offer to do so or a unexpected gift is not offensive.
What is offensive is too assume that because you paid for a date, gift or whatever...that I then owe you. I owe you nothing except to treat you with respect and courtesy.
Aren't those two both offers to spend time with each other?
Also, that's what I thought would happen. But...*shrug*
Finally, I agree with everything you said. 100%
Yes they are both offers to spend time with each other. The terms for how that time together will be paid for is what we are discussing. Not whether or not you are spending time together.0 -
Deadman_Diggingup wrote: »It's a red flag when she says that she's jealous of my kids because they get more time with me than she does….
Yeah, Get oughta my house.
This is totally how it should be (the kids getting more time w/ their dad) - and also one of the reasons I would never date dads! I'd be thinking that and all resentful. So nope.3 -
GymGoddessGoals wrote: »mattig89ch wrote: »GymGoddessGoals wrote: »There is a difference between say
"Hey, let's go to the movies. I'll buy the tickets and if you will buy the snacks" and say "I would like to take you to the movies".
That to me seems like a casual agreement and the other is an offer. I wouldnt expect for him to pay every time and I do hold the door for my husband or even other people. Its a gesture of kindness and holding someone high enough regard or respect to do so.
Also Im a feminist but I certainly would not berate someone who was kind enough to open a door for me. Open a door for someone because its a decent human being thing to do...not because Im a woman. I dont need my bills paid or gifts. I can certainly take care of myself. But an offer to do so or a unexpected gift is not offensive.
What is offensive is too assume that because you paid for a date, gift or whatever...that I then owe you. I owe you nothing except to treat you with respect and courtesy.
Aren't those two both offers to spend time with each other?
Also, that's what I thought would happen. But...*shrug*
Finally, I agree with everything you said. 100%
Yes they are both offers to spend time with each other. The terms for how that time together will be paid for is what we are discussing. Not whether or not you are spending time together.
Maybe this is why I'm confused: Why is the expectation on the man to pay for everything? If she's a fully independent woman, shouldn't she be capable of paying for at least herself? Why should she want to lean on someone else?2 -
mattig89ch wrote: »GymGoddessGoals wrote: »mattig89ch wrote: »GymGoddessGoals wrote: »There is a difference between say
"Hey, let's go to the movies. I'll buy the tickets and if you will buy the snacks" and say "I would like to take you to the movies".
That to me seems like a casual agreement and the other is an offer. I wouldnt expect for him to pay every time and I do hold the door for my husband or even other people. Its a gesture of kindness and holding someone high enough regard or respect to do so.
Also Im a feminist but I certainly would not berate someone who was kind enough to open a door for me. Open a door for someone because its a decent human being thing to do...not because Im a woman. I dont need my bills paid or gifts. I can certainly take care of myself. But an offer to do so or a unexpected gift is not offensive.
What is offensive is too assume that because you paid for a date, gift or whatever...that I then owe you. I owe you nothing except to treat you with respect and courtesy.
Aren't those two both offers to spend time with each other?
Also, that's what I thought would happen. But...*shrug*
Finally, I agree with everything you said. 100%
Yes they are both offers to spend time with each other. The terms for how that time together will be paid for is what we are discussing. Not whether or not you are spending time together.
Maybe this is why I'm confused: Why is the expectation on the man to pay for everything? If she's a fully independent woman, shouldn't she be capable of paying for at least herself? Why should she want to lean on someone else?
because that’s the way it is for some people. different strokes.0 -
seltzermint555 wrote: »Deadman_Diggingup wrote: »It's a red flag when she says that she's jealous of my kids because they get more time with me than she does….
Yeah, Get oughta my house.
This is totally how it should be (the kids getting more time w/ their dad) - and also one of the reasons I would never date dads! I'd be thinking that and all resentful. So nope.
You would be resentful of children for time spent with their parent? Am I reading this correctly?0 -
Deadman_Diggingup wrote: »seltzermint555 wrote: »Deadman_Diggingup wrote: »It's a red flag when she says that she's jealous of my kids because they get more time with me than she does….
Yeah, Get oughta my house.
This is totally how it should be (the kids getting more time w/ their dad) - and also one of the reasons I would never date dads! I'd be thinking that and all resentful. So nope.
You would be resentful of children for time spent with their parent? Am I reading this correctly?
Believe it or not, this happens. In both directions. At least she's aware of it and that it shouldn't be that way and practices avoidance.7
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