How would you feel about your partners weight gain?
Replies
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lynn_glenmont wrote: »Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
So you're OK being the "trophy" girlfriend of a shallow hypocrite, so long as he stays fit?
Theres other things he likes about me other than my outside appearence. What i ment by 'trophy girlfriend' is that he goes for goodlooking girls. All his exes have been really pretty. He has high standards and told me he wouldn't be with a bigger woman. Hes not a tool hes a nice guy. He dosnt go around insulting people or fat shaming or making girls cry. He says it to me in private that he wouldnt be with larger women.... not like hes going around saying it to their faces. In my opinion theres nothing wrong with that everyone has a type. That dosn't make him a tool. I just think that if you want to be with someone that looks after themselves and appearence is important to you then you should be willing to put in the same effort. I understand that this is not important in every relationship but every relationship has different standards. You shouldn't expect from your partner what you're not willing to do yourself.
When I met him he was very active/into sports, ate clean. In a short amount of time he put on alot of weight. I still wouldn't consider him 'fat' I just don't like the road he's going down. At one point he was eating take away every night and eating plenty of junk through out the day and it shocks me that someone can treat their body like that. Somtimes I try to cook for him just so he can get somthing nourishing into him. Its more his lifestyle I don't find atttactive rather than his physical appearance. Because it shows lack of self control/laziness and they're not qualities I find attractive. Now I still find him atttactive but if he gained much more I probably wouldn't. I'm not a monster if it was weight gain due to depression/medication/illness of course I would accept it and be supportive but gluttony is not somthing I can get behind.8 -
lynn_glenmont wrote: »Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
So you're OK being the "trophy" girlfriend of a shallow hypocrite, so long as he stays fit?
if it was weight gain due to depression/medication/illness of course I would accept it and be supportive but gluttony is not somthing I can get behind.
So, ask him which one it is.9 -
Actually the way trophy girlfriends usually work isn’t that the man holds himself to the same standards of maintaining his appearance - rather, he is held to a different standard having to do with income.
I’m not advocating that you live as a trophy girlfriend, just pointing out that holding everyone to the same standard in a relationship isn’t necessarily equable. Someone very attractive who holds themselves to a high standard as far as working out might understand that their loved one isn’t physically attractive or fit, but is a brilliant scientist, or a hard worker, or a loving father. Relationships should be about both people putting in the work, but it doesn’t have to be the same work. It just has to be work that causes you to love and respect him.
I’m hearing that you don’t respect his current behavior, and he certainly doesn’t seem to appreciate the hard work you put into maintaining your appearance. As you pointed out, you aren’t married. If you don’t want to be with this guy long term, now is the time to figure that out, before your lives become too entangled.10 -
My husband is one of those people who eats what he wants and stays slim and trim. If he started to put on weight, my reaction would be: 1. Worried. Could it be a sudden health issue?? 2. Snarky. HAHAHA. Now you know how I feel. LOL.9
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lynn_glenmont wrote: »Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
So you're OK being the "trophy" girlfriend of a shallow hypocrite, so long as he stays fit?
Theres other things he likes about me other than my outside appearence. What i ment by 'trophy girlfriend' is that he goes for goodlooking girls. All his exes have been really pretty. He has high standards and told me he wouldn't be with a bigger woman. Hes not a tool hes a nice guy. He dosnt go around insulting people or fat shaming or making girls cry. He says it to me in private that he wouldnt be with larger women.... not like hes going around saying it to their faces. In my opinion theres nothing wrong with that everyone has a type. That dosn't make him a tool. I just think that if you want to be with someone that looks after themselves and appearence is important to you then you should be willing to put in the same effort. I understand that this is not important in every relationship but every relationship has different standards. You shouldn't expect from your partner what you're not willing to do yourself.
When I met him he was very active/into sports, ate clean. In a short amount of time he put on alot of weight. I still wouldn't consider him 'fat' I just don't like the road he's going down. At one point he was eating take away every night and eating plenty of junk through out the day and it shocks me that someone can treat their body like that. Somtimes I try to cook for him just so he can get somthing nourishing into him. Its more his lifestyle I don't find atttactive rather than his physical appearance. Because it shows lack of self control/laziness and they're not qualities I find attractive. Now I still find him atttactive but if he gained much more I probably wouldn't. I'm not a monster if it was weight gain due to depression/medication/illness of course I would accept it and be supportive but gluttony is not somthing I can get behind.
Have you talked to him?4 -
lynn_glenmont wrote: »Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
So you're OK being the "trophy" girlfriend of a shallow hypocrite, so long as he stays fit?
Theres other things he likes about me other than my outside appearence. What i ment by 'trophy girlfriend' is that he goes for goodlooking girls. All his exes have been really pretty. He has high standards and told me he wouldn't be with a bigger woman. Hes not a tool hes a nice guy. He dosnt go around insulting people or fat shaming or making girls cry. He says it to me in private that he wouldnt be with larger women.... not like hes going around saying it to their faces. In my opinion theres nothing wrong with that everyone has a type. That dosn't make him a tool. I just think that if you want to be with someone that looks after themselves and appearence is important to you then you should be willing to put in the same effort. I understand that this is not important in every relationship but every relationship has different standards. You shouldn't expect from your partner what you're not willing to do yourself.
When I met him he was very active/into sports, ate clean. In a short amount of time he put on alot of weight. I still wouldn't consider him 'fat' I just don't like the road he's going down. At one point he was eating take away every night and eating plenty of junk through out the day and it shocks me that someone can treat their body like that. Somtimes I try to cook for him just so he can get somthing nourishing into him. Its more his lifestyle I don't find atttactive rather than his physical appearance. Because it shows lack of self control/laziness and they're not qualities I find attractive. Now I still find him atttactive but if he gained much more I probably wouldn't. I'm not a monster if it was weight gain due to depression/medication/illness of course I would accept it and be supportive but gluttony is not somthing I can get behind.
You're in your 20s. Let's be real. Unless you're planning to get knocked up in the long run with him, this whole topic is trivial. You get fit and lean to become attractive. Pairing with similarly attractive mates is a goal. Once they're found, this back and forth occurs to match each other's preferences, like fitness and health habits, until you both start smashing exclusively on a consistent basis. He can relax now that he's attained a trophy if he's not worried about competing D coming your way, so to speak.
Guys can be obliviously dumb, even more so the younger they are. So you trying to rely on his self-awareness and intuition to maintain a standard of health and fitness, those odds are stacked against you. You're already noticing it and willingly withholding that information is just doing a disservice to yourself if you say you care. Tell him he's gonna start losing inches where it counts if he keeps gaining inches around his fupa. He wants a trophy girl, so let him know you want trophy d*ck. It will still ultimately be up to him to do something about it, but at least he'll know you're still willing to ride his face if he's willing to put in some sort of self-care.
If it's a no go, then go enjoy your 20s with people who match your style. You can lock yourself down in a long-term relationship later.6 -
So did you talk to him last night?2
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lynn_glenmont wrote: »Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
So you're OK being the "trophy" girlfriend of a shallow hypocrite, so long as he stays fit?
Theres other things he likes about me other than my outside appearence. What i ment by 'trophy girlfriend' is that he goes for goodlooking girls. All his exes have been really pretty. He has high standards and told me he wouldn't be with a bigger woman. Hes not a tool hes a nice guy. He dosnt go around insulting people or fat shaming or making girls cry. He says it to me in private that he wouldnt be with larger women.... not like hes going around saying it to their faces. In my opinion theres nothing wrong with that everyone has a type. That dosn't make him a tool. I just think that if you want to be with someone that looks after themselves and appearence is important to you then you should be willing to put in the same effort. I understand that this is not important in every relationship but every relationship has different standards. You shouldn't expect from your partner what you're not willing to do yourself.
When I met him he was very active/into sports, ate clean. In a short amount of time he put on alot of weight. I still wouldn't consider him 'fat' I just don't like the road he's going down. At one point he was eating take away every night and eating plenty of junk through out the day and it shocks me that someone can treat their body like that. Somtimes I try to cook for him just so he can get somthing nourishing into him. Its more his lifestyle I don't find atttactive rather than his physical appearance. Because it shows lack of self control/laziness and they're not qualities I find attractive. Now I still find him atttactive but if he gained much more I probably wouldn't. I'm not a monster if it was weight gain due to depression/medication/illness of course I would accept it and be supportive but gluttony is not somthing I can get behind.
I'm a bit confused on what it is you hope from us out of this thread... In your original post, you asked people their personal opinions of how they would would handle a situation of their partner gave a lot of weight. You didn't ask how to handle it in your particular relationship. Many of us gave you our opinions, usually based off of personal experience of having gone through this issue before in long and successful marriages. It doesn't seem like you agree with the conclusion we came to, which is to not care about your partners weight.
Each others looks and weight seem to be a very important part, likely the most important part, of your relationship with your boyfriend. That ultimately is your choice. You don't have to justify it to anyone. But likewise, we also don't have to endorse it or support it or think it is a good way to have a relationship, which seems to be what you are hoping for. And to be honest, I think you are using "health" concerns to cover for the physical attractiveness aspects of it. You are in your early 20s. With the exception of obesity, your nutrition really is not the end of the world and eating fast food or takeout does not mean someone is destroying their health or is lazy/doesn't care about themselves. You are welcome to have your own interest in eating nutritious foods and want to be in a relationship with someone with shared interests, but the projections you are putting on his character eating foods that you don't morally approve of aren't correct.21 -
lynn_glenmont wrote: »Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
So you're OK being the "trophy" girlfriend of a shallow hypocrite, so long as he stays fit?
Theres other things he likes about me other than my outside appearence. What i ment by 'trophy girlfriend' is that he goes for goodlooking girls. All his exes have been really pretty. He has high standards and told me he wouldn't be with a bigger woman. Hes not a tool hes a nice guy. He dosnt go around insulting people or fat shaming or making girls cry. He says it to me in private that he wouldnt be with larger women.... not like hes going around saying it to their faces. In my opinion theres nothing wrong with that everyone has a type. That dosn't make him a tool. I just think that if you want to be with someone that looks after themselves and appearence is important to you then you should be willing to put in the same effort. I understand that this is not important in every relationship but every relationship has different standards. You shouldn't expect from your partner what you're not willing to do yourself.
When I met him he was very active/into sports, ate clean. In a short amount of time he put on alot of weight. I still wouldn't consider him 'fat' I just don't like the road he's going down. At one point he was eating take away every night and eating plenty of junk through out the day and it shocks me that someone can treat their body like that. Somtimes I try to cook for him just so he can get somthing nourishing into him. Its more his lifestyle I don't find atttactive rather than his physical appearance. Because it shows lack of self control/laziness and they're not qualities I find attractive. Now I still find him atttactive but if he gained much more I probably wouldn't. I'm not a monster if it was weight gain due to depression/medication/illness of course I would accept it and be supportive but gluttony is not somthing I can get behind.
This doesn't signal much other than his lifestyle changed dramatically and he hasn't adjusted his eating habits. Several athletes, military, and others with physically demanding jobs experience the same.
There's no harm in getting advice as long as this results in a conversation with him quickly afterwards. Otherwise our brains tend to think we've had these conversations with that person - leaving you angry and frustrated and the individual completely confused. Make sure you follow this up by talking to him.3 -
The year my now husband and I moved in together he gained 50lb and I gained just over 30lb. It’s what brought me to MFP. I never worried about his gain. I love him. He also never commented on my weight gain other than to be supportive of my efforts to lose it.
In the years since we have both gone up and down some. We support each other’s efforts to work out regularly and stay fit but don’t shame each other when we fluctuate.9 -
lynn_glenmont wrote: »Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
So you're OK being the "trophy" girlfriend of a shallow hypocrite, so long as he stays fit?
Theres other things he likes about me other than my outside appearence. What i ment by 'trophy girlfriend' is that he goes for goodlooking girls. All his exes have been really pretty. He has high standards and told me he wouldn't be with a bigger woman. Hes not a tool hes a nice guy. He dosnt go around insulting people or fat shaming or making girls cry. He says it to me in private that he wouldnt be with larger women.... not like hes going around saying it to their faces. In my opinion theres nothing wrong with that everyone has a type. That dosn't make him a tool. I just think that if you want to be with someone that looks after themselves and appearence is important to you then you should be willing to put in the same effort. I understand that this is not important in every relationship but every relationship has different standards. You shouldn't expect from your partner what you're not willing to do yourself.
When I met him he was very active/into sports, ate clean. In a short amount of time he put on alot of weight. I still wouldn't consider him 'fat' I just don't like the road he's going down. At one point he was eating take away every night and eating plenty of junk through out the day and it shocks me that someone can treat their body like that. Somtimes I try to cook for him just so he can get somthing nourishing into him. Its more his lifestyle I don't find atttactive rather than his physical appearance. Because it shows lack of self control/laziness and they're not qualities I find attractive. Now I still find him atttactive but if he gained much more I probably wouldn't. I'm not a monster if it was weight gain due to depression/medication/illness of course I would accept it and be supportive but gluttony is not somthing I can get behind.
I'm a bit confused on what it is you hope from us out of this thread... In your original post, you asked people their personal opinions of how they would would handle a situation of their partner gave a lot of weight. You didn't ask how to handle it in your particular relationship. Many of us gave you our opinions, usually based off of personal experience of having gone through this issue before in long and successful marriages. It doesn't seem like you agree with the conclusion we came to, which is to not care about your partners weight.
Each others looks and weight seem to be a very important part, likely the most important part, of your relationship with your boyfriend. That ultimately is your choice. You don't have to justify it to anyone. But likewise, we also don't have to endorse it or support it or think it is a good way to have a relationship, which seems to be what you are hoping for. And to be honest, I think you are using "health" concerns to cover for the physical attractiveness aspects of it. You are in your early 20s. With the exception of obesity, your nutrition really is not the end of the world and eating fast food or takeout does not mean someone is destroying their health or is lazy/doesn't care about themselves. You are welcome to have your own interest in eating nutritious foods and want to be in a relationship with someone with shared interests, but the projections you are putting on his character eating foods that you don't morally approve of aren't correct.
Not hoping to get anything I just thought it would be an intersting topic. It's not that I don't agree, I'm just suprised is all. I think people are downplaying the importance of attraction in a relationship. I'm sorry but for me its not just whats inside... just being honest. Call that shallow if you want. I have people I love and care about that I'm not attracted to... I call them friends and family. I know eventually looks fade and people grow old, gain weight ect and I'm sure i'll be okay with that when I'm also old and grey because I will be in a different place in my life by then. Looks aren't the most important in my relationship... where are you getting that from? This whole topic has been blown out of proportion. Comments like that are the ones that piss me off, you don't know me or my relationship 😂6 -
lynn_glenmont wrote: »Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
So you're OK being the "trophy" girlfriend of a shallow hypocrite, so long as he stays fit?
Theres other things he likes about me other than my outside appearence. What i ment by 'trophy girlfriend' is that he goes for goodlooking girls. All his exes have been really pretty. He has high standards and told me he wouldn't be with a bigger woman. Hes not a tool hes a nice guy. He dosnt go around insulting people or fat shaming or making girls cry. He says it to me in private that he wouldnt be with larger women.... not like hes going around saying it to their faces. In my opinion theres nothing wrong with that everyone has a type. That dosn't make him a tool. I just think that if you want to be with someone that looks after themselves and appearence is important to you then you should be willing to put in the same effort. I understand that this is not important in every relationship but every relationship has different standards. You shouldn't expect from your partner what you're not willing to do yourself.
When I met him he was very active/into sports, ate clean. In a short amount of time he put on alot of weight. I still wouldn't consider him 'fat' I just don't like the road he's going down. At one point he was eating take away every night and eating plenty of junk through out the day and it shocks me that someone can treat their body like that. Somtimes I try to cook for him just so he can get somthing nourishing into him. Its more his lifestyle I don't find atttactive rather than his physical appearance. Because it shows lack of self control/laziness and they're not qualities I find attractive. Now I still find him atttactive but if he gained much more I probably wouldn't. I'm not a monster if it was weight gain due to depression/medication/illness of course I would accept it and be supportive but gluttony is not somthing I can get behind.
I'm a bit confused on what it is you hope from us out of this thread... In your original post, you asked people their personal opinions of how they would would handle a situation of their partner gave a lot of weight. You didn't ask how to handle it in your particular relationship. Many of us gave you our opinions, usually based off of personal experience of having gone through this issue before in long and successful marriages. It doesn't seem like you agree with the conclusion we came to, which is to not care about your partners weight.
Each others looks and weight seem to be a very important part, likely the most important part, of your relationship with your boyfriend. That ultimately is your choice. You don't have to justify it to anyone. But likewise, we also don't have to endorse it or support it or think it is a good way to have a relationship, which seems to be what you are hoping for. And to be honest, I think you are using "health" concerns to cover for the physical attractiveness aspects of it. You are in your early 20s. With the exception of obesity, your nutrition really is not the end of the world and eating fast food or takeout does not mean someone is destroying their health or is lazy/doesn't care about themselves. You are welcome to have your own interest in eating nutritious foods and want to be in a relationship with someone with shared interests, but the projections you are putting on his character eating foods that you don't morally approve of aren't correct.
Not hoping to get anything I just thought it would be an intersting topic. It's not that I don't agree, I'm just suprised is all. I think people are downplaying the importance of attraction in a relationship. I'm sorry but for me its not just whats inside... just being honest. Call that shallow if you want. I have people I love and care about that I'm not attracted to... I call them friends and family. I know eventually looks fade and people grow old, gain weight ect and I'm sure i'll be okay with that when I'm also old and grey because I will be in a different place in my life by then. Looks aren't the most important in my relationship... where are you getting that from? This whole topic has been blown out of proportion. Comments like that are the ones that piss me off, you don't know me or my relationship 😂
No one is saying that looks don't matter at all in a relationship (for certain people tho, that may be the case). But there is a difference between believing that physical attraction should be a part of a relationship and not being attracted to or wanting to be with your partner if they put on some weight. That people react strongly to that idea should not be surprising given where we are. We are on a website that is primarily used by people who either are currently struggling or have struggled with their weight at some point. That they would be sensitive to this should be a natural assumption.
You are correct that I am not personally familiar with your relationship. I can only go by the series of posts that you have left here in this thread. Based on those posts, I have made certain assumptions. Perhaps that is presumptuous and my assumptions were wrong. However based on what you have told us, particularly your boyfriend's rather pronounced opinion on physical attractiveness, I don't think it's an unreasonable assumption that your relationship places more importance on it than most of us do here. Again, as I said, that is your prerogative. I didn't call it shallow or anything else. You can ultimately place the value on it that you choose.16 -
I never said I didn't want to be in a relationship with him anymore or that I didn't find him attractive. I made an observation that this is now a problem for him and I was deciding on weather to bring it up to him in a gentle way or not. If he was obease I wouldn't be attracted to him anymore and I wouldn't expect him to be attracted to me like that either. You're right maybe this wasn't the right place to bring this topic up since as its a sensitive subject but it wasn't supposed to be an attack on anyone. Everyones relationship is different and everyone has different standards. It's also about compatiability, because i'm into fitness and health in an ideal world I'd want someone who has the same interests. Thats not to say theres not other great things about my relationship.
Yes, your assumption was wrong. Yes looks are important to my boyfriend but its not the most important/only important thing. People aren't that one dimensional. I can want someone who is goodlooking/funny/smart/outgoing. Whats wrong with wanting it all? We wouldnt be together 3 years if our relationship was based on looks.4 -
Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
This would worry me more than him putting on weight. If you ever want to have children I would ditch him right now and find another man to have them with.
I put on 55lb with each pregnancy and it took me a long time to lose it afterwards, but my husband never said anything about me being less attractive. His weight has also gone up and down over the years, but I never felt unattracted to him.
Laziness really bothers me though. There have been times when I thought my husband was being lazy (he usually wasn’t, we just had different ideas about what needed to be done!) and I’ve been very direct about telling him.
If the laziness and binging bother you then you need to tell him. Since he’s made it so obvious that he wouldn’t like you to put on weight I don’t think you have to feel too bad about bringing up the subject with him. Personally I’d be considering whether I really wanted to be with him long term because his attitude sounds horrible.7 -
My husband and I met on a dating app. He used a photo of his pet and none of himself on that site.
Other women that I'd met on the site were asking me why I was bothering to chat with him. They said that he could be really ugly or fat or have warts, etc.
I told them that he was sweet and funny and kind and that I actually didn't care what he looked like. He and I chatted on the site, then talked on the phone and it was about a month before our first actual date.
When I saw him, my heart skipped a beat. He was gorgeous! I realized that his looks were just a bonus. I had already fallen for him because of everything else that he was. ❤
Sure, you want to be attracted to someone physically, but I'd rather find everything else about them attractive.27 -
My husband and I both gain and lose weight, and move toward and away from healthy eating, and it's a pretty normal ebb and flow for us. We mention it to each other or suggest changes if we're trying to nudge the other person, but in the end everyone is an individual and gets to decide about their own body. Our marriage doesn't hinge much on it, but I'm sure there would be a limit for each of us somewhere. I guess you need to think about what your limits are surrounding this. Is 30lbs the difference between wanting to be with this person? Is 300lbs the difference? There's not a right or wrong here. The judgements of others are irrelevant because you have to live out your life with your partner, but it would be helpful to know this about yourself.2
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lynn_glenmont wrote: »Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
So you're OK being the "trophy" girlfriend of a shallow hypocrite, so long as he stays fit?
Theres other things he likes about me other than my outside appearence. What i ment by 'trophy girlfriend' is that he goes for goodlooking girls. All his exes have been really pretty. He has high standards and told me he wouldn't be with a bigger woman. Hes not a tool hes a nice guy. He dosnt go around insulting people or fat shaming or making girls cry. He says it to me in private that he wouldnt be with larger women.... not like hes going around saying it to their faces. In my opinion theres nothing wrong with that everyone has a type. That dosn't make him a tool. I just think that if you want to be with someone that looks after themselves and appearence is important to you then you should be willing to put in the same effort. I understand that this is not important in every relationship but every relationship has different standards. You shouldn't expect from your partner what you're not willing to do yourself.
When I met him he was very active/into sports, ate clean. In a short amount of time he put on alot of weight. I still wouldn't consider him 'fat' I just don't like the road he's going down. At one point he was eating take away every night and eating plenty of junk through out the day and it shocks me that someone can treat their body like that. Somtimes I try to cook for him just so he can get somthing nourishing into him. Its more his lifestyle I don't find atttactive rather than his physical appearance. Because it shows lack of self control/laziness and they're not qualities I find attractive. Now I still find him atttactive but if he gained much more I probably wouldn't. I'm not a monster if it was weight gain due to depression/medication/illness of course I would accept it and be supportive but gluttony is not somthing I can get behind.
Does he know this? Like, have you had an actual conversation about it, not just little passing comments? If you value the relationship, have the conversation and see how he responds. If you don't, move on. Clearly your interests and values don't align anymore.3 -
@Dolly989 now that you've had this discussion with us, what are you going to say to him, tonight?3
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lynn_glenmont wrote: »Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
So you're OK being the "trophy" girlfriend of a shallow hypocrite, so long as he stays fit?
Theres other things he likes about me other than my outside appearence. What i ment by 'trophy girlfriend' is that he goes for goodlooking girls. All his exes have been really pretty. He has high standards and told me he wouldn't be with a bigger woman. Hes not a tool hes a nice guy. He dosnt go around insulting people or fat shaming or making girls cry. He says it to me in private that he wouldnt be with larger women.... not like hes going around saying it to their faces. In my opinion theres nothing wrong with that everyone has a type. That dosn't make him a tool. I just think that if you want to be with someone that looks after themselves and appearence is important to you then you should be willing to put in the same effort. I understand that this is not important in every relationship but every relationship has different standards. You shouldn't expect from your partner what you're not willing to do yourself.
When I met him he was very active/into sports, ate clean. In a short amount of time he put on alot of weight. I still wouldn't consider him 'fat' I just don't like the road he's going down. At one point he was eating take away every night and eating plenty of junk through out the day and it shocks me that someone can treat their body like that. Somtimes I try to cook for him just so he can get somthing nourishing into him. Its more his lifestyle I don't find atttactive rather than his physical appearance. Because it shows lack of self control/laziness and they're not qualities I find attractive. Now I still find him atttactive but if he gained much more I probably wouldn't. I'm not a monster if it was weight gain due to depression/medication/illness of course I would accept it and be supportive but gluttony is not somthing I can get behind.
I'm a bit confused on what it is you hope from us out of this thread... In your original post, you asked people their personal opinions of how they would would handle a situation of their partner gave a lot of weight. You didn't ask how to handle it in your particular relationship. Many of us gave you our opinions, usually based off of personal experience of having gone through this issue before in long and successful marriages. It doesn't seem like you agree with the conclusion we came to, which is to not care about your partners weight.
Each others looks and weight seem to be a very important part, likely the most important part, of your relationship with your boyfriend. That ultimately is your choice. You don't have to justify it to anyone. But likewise, we also don't have to endorse it or support it or think it is a good way to have a relationship, which seems to be what you are hoping for. And to be honest, I think you are using "health" concerns to cover for the physical attractiveness aspects of it. You are in your early 20s. With the exception of obesity, your nutrition really is not the end of the world and eating fast food or takeout does not mean someone is destroying their health or is lazy/doesn't care about themselves. You are welcome to have your own interest in eating nutritious foods and want to be in a relationship with someone with shared interests, but the projections you are putting on his character eating foods that you don't morally approve of aren't correct.
Not hoping to get anything I just thought it would be an intersting topic. It's not that I don't agree, I'm just suprised is all. I think people are downplaying the importance of attraction in a relationship. I'm sorry but for me its not just whats inside... just being honest. Call that shallow if you want. I have people I love and care about that I'm not attracted to... I call them friends and family. I know eventually looks fade and people grow old, gain weight ect and I'm sure i'll be okay with that when I'm also old and grey because I will be in a different place in my life by then. Looks aren't the most important in my relationship... where are you getting that from? This whole topic has been blown out of proportion. Comments like that are the ones that piss me off, you don't know me or my relationship 😂
I kind of agree with this, like I said in my previous contribution to this thread. Someone above said something about falling in love with a dude she'd never met based on just talking on a dating app. Back in the days of dial-up internet, I used to go chat on BBS (showing my age) and "met" people I thought I liked because we got along and funny and blah blah, but then when I saw them IRL it was like "Oh no way in HELL sorry no!" because even though I really really liked them as a person and a friend, when I saw them IRL there was ZERO physical attraction. Shallow? perhaps - but just coz someone has a great brain/personality I can't force myself to want to kiss/root them! I mean - like no thanks!! Just could NOT go there. So they were friend zoned. And I'm sure they were not happy about it because we'd been talking for ages and sharing and blah blah - getting to know each other.
Anyhoo, I just wanted to know though - did you talk to him?
The habit thing I totally understand. I don't like to be with someone who drinks every day for example. There have been instances in the past where my husband was going through stuff and would drink more often than what I deem acceptable. I got *kitten*. I talked to him about it though. We discussed, he saw he was just trying to drown his sorrows, and adjusted behaviour. I don't mind if he has a drink with friends on the weekend or something like that, I'm not a total weirdo, but I just cannot do the drink every single day thing, or even just drink for no apparent reason apart from having beers during the day on a weekend. If it's a BBQ fine, but sitting on *kitten* in front of TV drinking? No.
I totally get the looking after yourself too. So yeah. Talk to him.
and tell us how it went
5 -
Cahgetsfit wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
So you're OK being the "trophy" girlfriend of a shallow hypocrite, so long as he stays fit?
Theres other things he likes about me other than my outside appearence. What i ment by 'trophy girlfriend' is that he goes for goodlooking girls. All his exes have been really pretty. He has high standards and told me he wouldn't be with a bigger woman. Hes not a tool hes a nice guy. He dosnt go around insulting people or fat shaming or making girls cry. He says it to me in private that he wouldnt be with larger women.... not like hes going around saying it to their faces. In my opinion theres nothing wrong with that everyone has a type. That dosn't make him a tool. I just think that if you want to be with someone that looks after themselves and appearence is important to you then you should be willing to put in the same effort. I understand that this is not important in every relationship but every relationship has different standards. You shouldn't expect from your partner what you're not willing to do yourself.
When I met him he was very active/into sports, ate clean. In a short amount of time he put on alot of weight. I still wouldn't consider him 'fat' I just don't like the road he's going down. At one point he was eating take away every night and eating plenty of junk through out the day and it shocks me that someone can treat their body like that. Somtimes I try to cook for him just so he can get somthing nourishing into him. Its more his lifestyle I don't find atttactive rather than his physical appearance. Because it shows lack of self control/laziness and they're not qualities I find attractive. Now I still find him atttactive but if he gained much more I probably wouldn't. I'm not a monster if it was weight gain due to depression/medication/illness of course I would accept it and be supportive but gluttony is not somthing I can get behind.
I'm a bit confused on what it is you hope from us out of this thread... In your original post, you asked people their personal opinions of how they would would handle a situation of their partner gave a lot of weight. You didn't ask how to handle it in your particular relationship. Many of us gave you our opinions, usually based off of personal experience of having gone through this issue before in long and successful marriages. It doesn't seem like you agree with the conclusion we came to, which is to not care about your partners weight.
Each others looks and weight seem to be a very important part, likely the most important part, of your relationship with your boyfriend. That ultimately is your choice. You don't have to justify it to anyone. But likewise, we also don't have to endorse it or support it or think it is a good way to have a relationship, which seems to be what you are hoping for. And to be honest, I think you are using "health" concerns to cover for the physical attractiveness aspects of it. You are in your early 20s. With the exception of obesity, your nutrition really is not the end of the world and eating fast food or takeout does not mean someone is destroying their health or is lazy/doesn't care about themselves. You are welcome to have your own interest in eating nutritious foods and want to be in a relationship with someone with shared interests, but the projections you are putting on his character eating foods that you don't morally approve of aren't correct.
Not hoping to get anything I just thought it would be an intersting topic. It's not that I don't agree, I'm just suprised is all. I think people are downplaying the importance of attraction in a relationship. I'm sorry but for me its not just whats inside... just being honest. Call that shallow if you want. I have people I love and care about that I'm not attracted to... I call them friends and family. I know eventually looks fade and people grow old, gain weight ect and I'm sure i'll be okay with that when I'm also old and grey because I will be in a different place in my life by then. Looks aren't the most important in my relationship... where are you getting that from? This whole topic has been blown out of proportion. Comments like that are the ones that piss me off, you don't know me or my relationship 😂
I kind of agree with this, like I said in my previous contribution to this thread. Someone above said something about falling in love with a dude she'd never met based on just talking on a dating app. Back in the days of dial-up internet, I used to go chat on BBS (showing my age) and "met" people I thought I liked because we got along and funny and blah blah, but then when I saw them IRL it was like "Oh no way in HELL sorry no!" because even though I really really liked them as a person and a friend, when I saw them IRL there was ZERO physical attraction. Shallow? perhaps - but just coz someone has a great brain/personality I can't force myself to want to kiss/root them! I mean - like no thanks!! Just could NOT go there. So they were friend zoned. And I'm sure they were not happy about it because we'd been talking for ages and sharing and blah blah - getting to know each other.
Anyhoo, I just wanted to know though - did you talk to him?
The habit thing I totally understand. I don't like to be with someone who drinks every day for example. There have been instances in the past where my husband was going through stuff and would drink more often than what I deem acceptable. I got *kitten*. I talked to him about it though. We discussed, he saw he was just trying to drown his sorrows, and adjusted behaviour. I don't mind if he has a drink with friends on the weekend or something like that, I'm not a total weirdo, but I just cannot do the drink every single day thing, or even just drink for no apparent reason apart from having beers during the day on a weekend. If it's a BBQ fine, but sitting on *kitten* in front of TV drinking? No.
I totally get the looking after yourself too. So yeah. Talk to him.
and tell us how it went
Firstly, thats not what I said. Secondly, I'm really sad for you if that's all you got from my post.
We were together for 15 years. The only thing that separated us was his death.
I loved him fully and was fully loved in return. I wish the same for you.16 -
My boyfriend has gained a significant amount of weight in the last few months. Not because of any medical issue or anything like that, just generally letting himself go. Living with him I've noticed how good my will power is because hes constanly eating junk food and I don't ever cave in and join him. I like to lead a healthy lifestyle and can be quite strict with what I eat. I go to the gym most days. He makes fun of how strict I am and will try to buy me junk food to tempt me. I haven't brought up his weight gain because I don't wanna hurt his feelings but at the same time i'm annoyed at how little he cares about himself? What if the tables were turned would he be bothered if i start piling on weight? I don't know. Somtimes I'd make comments like 'you're getting take away again? Thats so bad for you" ect but he just laughs it off and says its delicious.
How would you feel if your partner started putting on weight? Would you care? Would you say it to them? If yes then how would you approach it?
Depends on what kind of dude he is? Can he handle a convo like that? Is he easily offended?
I once tried dating a chubby dude, I couldn’t do it, I didn’t tell him why I just moved on.
1 -
.0
-
He sounds like a waste of time if you want a deeper type of relationship. And if you just want a hot guy, he sounds like he's not very motivated to cultivate the look you want. So I'd dump him.
As for my own husband gaining weight...I was concerned about his mental state when he put on about 30 lb in a year. I am glad he's gotten back on track and lost it. We were both obese for years and have lost a lot, I didn't care aesthetically because he is a big tall guy who still looked very handsome, just more teddy bear than the slimmer man I married...but man he looks smokin' now, which isn't a bad thing either!5 -
Cahgetsfit wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
So you're OK being the "trophy" girlfriend of a shallow hypocrite, so long as he stays fit?
Theres other things he likes about me other than my outside appearence. What i ment by 'trophy girlfriend' is that he goes for goodlooking girls. All his exes have been really pretty. He has high standards and told me he wouldn't be with a bigger woman. Hes not a tool hes a nice guy. He dosnt go around insulting people or fat shaming or making girls cry. He says it to me in private that he wouldnt be with larger women.... not like hes going around saying it to their faces. In my opinion theres nothing wrong with that everyone has a type. That dosn't make him a tool. I just think that if you want to be with someone that looks after themselves and appearence is important to you then you should be willing to put in the same effort. I understand that this is not important in every relationship but every relationship has different standards. You shouldn't expect from your partner what you're not willing to do yourself.
When I met him he was very active/into sports, ate clean. In a short amount of time he put on alot of weight. I still wouldn't consider him 'fat' I just don't like the road he's going down. At one point he was eating take away every night and eating plenty of junk through out the day and it shocks me that someone can treat their body like that. Somtimes I try to cook for him just so he can get somthing nourishing into him. Its more his lifestyle I don't find atttactive rather than his physical appearance. Because it shows lack of self control/laziness and they're not qualities I find attractive. Now I still find him atttactive but if he gained much more I probably wouldn't. I'm not a monster if it was weight gain due to depression/medication/illness of course I would accept it and be supportive but gluttony is not somthing I can get behind.
I'm a bit confused on what it is you hope from us out of this thread... In your original post, you asked people their personal opinions of how they would would handle a situation of their partner gave a lot of weight. You didn't ask how to handle it in your particular relationship. Many of us gave you our opinions, usually based off of personal experience of having gone through this issue before in long and successful marriages. It doesn't seem like you agree with the conclusion we came to, which is to not care about your partners weight.
Each others looks and weight seem to be a very important part, likely the most important part, of your relationship with your boyfriend. That ultimately is your choice. You don't have to justify it to anyone. But likewise, we also don't have to endorse it or support it or think it is a good way to have a relationship, which seems to be what you are hoping for. And to be honest, I think you are using "health" concerns to cover for the physical attractiveness aspects of it. You are in your early 20s. With the exception of obesity, your nutrition really is not the end of the world and eating fast food or takeout does not mean someone is destroying their health or is lazy/doesn't care about themselves. You are welcome to have your own interest in eating nutritious foods and want to be in a relationship with someone with shared interests, but the projections you are putting on his character eating foods that you don't morally approve of aren't correct.
Not hoping to get anything I just thought it would be an intersting topic. It's not that I don't agree, I'm just suprised is all. I think people are downplaying the importance of attraction in a relationship. I'm sorry but for me its not just whats inside... just being honest. Call that shallow if you want. I have people I love and care about that I'm not attracted to... I call them friends and family. I know eventually looks fade and people grow old, gain weight ect and I'm sure i'll be okay with that when I'm also old and grey because I will be in a different place in my life by then. Looks aren't the most important in my relationship... where are you getting that from? This whole topic has been blown out of proportion. Comments like that are the ones that piss me off, you don't know me or my relationship 😂
I kind of agree with this, like I said in my previous contribution to this thread. Someone above said something about falling in love with a dude she'd never met based on just talking on a dating app. Back in the days of dial-up internet, I used to go chat on BBS (showing my age) and "met" people I thought I liked because we got along and funny and blah blah, but then when I saw them IRL it was like "Oh no way in HELL sorry no!" because even though I really really liked them as a person and a friend, when I saw them IRL there was ZERO physical attraction. Shallow? perhaps - but just coz someone has a great brain/personality I can't force myself to want to kiss/root them! I mean - like no thanks!! Just could NOT go there. So they were friend zoned. And I'm sure they were not happy about it because we'd been talking for ages and sharing and blah blah - getting to know each other.
Anyhoo, I just wanted to know though - did you talk to him?
The habit thing I totally understand. I don't like to be with someone who drinks every day for example. There have been instances in the past where my husband was going through stuff and would drink more often than what I deem acceptable. I got *kitten*. I talked to him about it though. We discussed, he saw he was just trying to drown his sorrows, and adjusted behaviour. I don't mind if he has a drink with friends on the weekend or something like that, I'm not a total weirdo, but I just cannot do the drink every single day thing, or even just drink for no apparent reason apart from having beers during the day on a weekend. If it's a BBQ fine, but sitting on *kitten* in front of TV drinking? No.
I totally get the looking after yourself too. So yeah. Talk to him.
and tell us how it went
Firstly, thats not what I said. Secondly, I'm really sad for you if that's all you got from my post.
We were together for 15 years. The only thing that separated us was his death.
I loved him fully and was fully loved in return. I wish the same for you.
Hey I didn't mean to come across as belittling or offending you - I think it's great that you met someone and fell in love with them and the added bonus was that he was good looking.
I was just trying to make the point that some people might not be able to get past not having a physical aspect to the attraction is all.
Sorry if I caused offence @LyndaBSS that was not my intention. I do tend to write how I speak, which is quite blunt. Need to remember to tone things down into less potentially offensive manner.11 -
I never said I didn't want to be in a relationship with him anymore or that I didn't find him attractive. I made an observation that this is now a problem for him and I was deciding on weather to bring it up to him in a gentle way or not. If he was obease I wouldn't be attracted to him anymore and I wouldn't expect him to be attracted to me like that either. You're right maybe this wasn't the right place to bring this topic up since as its a sensitive subject but it wasn't supposed to be an attack on anyone. Everyones relationship is different and everyone has different standards. It's also about compatiability, because i'm into fitness and health in an ideal world I'd want someone who has the same interests. Thats not to say theres not other great things about my relationship.
Yes, your assumption was wrong. Yes looks are important to my boyfriend but its not the most important/only important thing. People aren't that one dimensional. I can want someone who is goodlooking/funny/smart/outgoing. Whats wrong with wanting it all? We wouldnt be together 3 years if our relationship was based on looks.
Yes, you should tell. Not telling him is lying by omission, misleading him into thinking that you are committed to a relationship with him when you're actually only committed if he doesn't gain any more weight. If you can't figure out how to tell him, just show him this thread.3 -
Yikes, I don't even know where to go with this.
- The attractiveness of someone is wrapped up in so much more than just personal looks that it seems pretty superficial to say you would no longer love someone because their personal appearance changed. If that's the case, then you probably never really loved that person as much as you thought (or they thought).
- When I married my SO over a decade ago, I married him for myriad reasons. Not just because he was super attractive to me (and he was/is). I valued so much more beyond just his appearance. Sense of humor, intelligence, how kind he really is while giving off an air of indifference, etc. You get the point. So it's baffling to me to suddenly stop being attracted to him simply because he gained weight.
- Given that we have been married for as long as we have, we have both NATURALLY gained weight over the years due to inactivity, stress, life, etc. We still value and love the company of one another (most of the time). While we try to encourage the other to have better eating habits and better exercise habits, we have realized we are both fallible human beings who slip up. We work on it slowly. He has a job that requires he stay within specific standards, I do not. And I watch him struggle with it.
- So while we've been married awhile at this point, yes.. we are comfortable enough that we would approach the other **POLITELY** if the weight became an issue. And honestly? He worries more about his own weight than mine, even though I feel my weight gain is much more noticeable than his own. We wouldn't concern troll one another over it, though.. or eat foods in front of one another and joke about it. That's a bit concerning.
If you feel this way about this guy and he's not someone you can see yourself living with forever because of said habits, I would move on. Look at it this way: If he's like this now in relation to himself and his eating habits, how do you think it will be when and if you guys have a family or more responsibilities? Chances are, all the responsibilities will fall on you if he's as lazy as you are claiming him to be.
You're still young and not tied down, so if you move on, you've got a lot of your life to figure out who you want to be around and what you are looking for in a partner. I still think it's petty to concern troll someone over their weight or eating habits (it's none of your business, after all), but if you aren't attracted to him anymore or his habits are starting to get under your skin, chances are it will only get worse.
And obviously, you can't change people. They have to do that on their own.
8 -
If you truely love someone weight shouldnt matter I personally gained over 90 pounds in my relationship and my bf never made me feel bad about it. Still tells me im beautiful. I have lost 45 pounds since May, not for him but for my own health and wanting to feel confident again but at the end of the day he loved me no matter what size I was.
If you are concerned for his health maybe try to convince him to see a doctor have them explain the health risks of his lifestyle. No one will be able to get him to change his ways but him. He has to want it for himself.4 -
If you truely love someone weight shouldnt matter
I guess then I didn't truly love my ex. She weighed about 145 kg. Initially I was very attracted to her. As time went on, though I noticed that my desire to rip her clothes off reduced relatively quickly, compared with previous relationships. We had a great connection, but we didn't have sex for 4 years in a 7 year relationship.3 -
@Dolly989 so did you talk to him?2
-
I had a boyfriend that gained a significant amount of weight. Eventually it hit him that he couldn’t go on like that anymore. He’s lost 135 pounds and loves to go to the gym and is in phenomenal shape. A lot of times I think something happens that causes them to know it’s there time, without anyone having to say anything. If you choose to tell him yourself, be careful how you come across about it.4
This discussion has been closed.
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