WHY do people CHEAT?
Replies
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@nooshi713 wrote: »I think cheating on your partner makes you the lowest form of pond scum on earth, especially when you use the old "it just happened" excuse.
If you're not happy with your partner, put on your damn big girl or big guy panties and tell them. Either fix things or end them.
For those guilty parties, remember this. If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.
Agreed. I think there are many reasons people cheat but all selfish and never justified.
I have been cheated on and it was the worst experience of my life. I don’t forgive either.
Just a hug because you're beautiful, didn't deserve it and it wasn't about you...it was on them....AND you are 100% better off right!!🤷🤘😉🤗💗💗💗💗 see it as a win pretty girl!😍1 -
@Behindblue_eyes wrote: »My feeling is this - people cheat for a number of reasons 1: because it's "new and exciting - isn't everything in the beginning? 2: The attention (or whatever else is lacking in their primary relationship.) 3: Because they can.
*Triggering hard 😕*
Hugs and I almost feel sorry for any fool who would pull this on you...almost.....as in I would mostly want to squish them like a bug getting it on with another bug while you were at lunch.....👿💗🤗💓🤗💓🤗💗0 -
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Motorsheen wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »
Haha I don't agree. There is someone right for everyone, and there's a whole load of invalid matches as well. People expect to find love easily, and that's the problem. I don't know why blind dating even exists. People should seek friendship instead before taking it to dating.cicidawn2011 wrote: »Because we are not a pair-bonding species. If you look at divorce rates, or even better, the prevalence of cheating, it becomes very clear we may not be cut out for life long commitment to one person. Just hear me out, If half of all married couples divorce, do you say half of all married couples are defective, or that maybe marriage is a defect. Just food for thought, maybe its not people thats the problem, maybe it the expectations of people.
Personally, I think some people are quite adept at being monogamous (great for them!), but a lot of people are NOT and are more or less forced into monogamy because it is the only socially acceptable position in Western society to have atm. Anyone who is polygamous or in an open relationship... hell, even folks into some less than conventional, but still perfectly legal kinky stuff are shamed and closeted because of how general society treats them.
Lol, silly people. You can disagree with me all y'all want, but it doesn't change the fact that some are great at monogamy and a lot of people aren't. Just like time, monogamous relationships are a construct, not a hard and fast rule of life.
All I read here was ‘hard & fast’.
Friend request expedited.
Accepted. :laugh:
I believe that people need to be more open and truthful about themselves in the first dates or meets, or whatever. Doing shady stuff behind someones back just isn't cool, but I guess people are carrying so much fear about what others think/fear of ruining a potential relationship/fear of being dissed.CanesGalactica wrote: »
Haha I don't agree. There is someone right for everyone, and there's a whole load of invalid matches as well. People expect to find love easily, and that's the problem. I don't know why blind dating even exists. People should seek friendship instead before taking it to dating.cicidawn2011 wrote: »Because we are not a pair-bonding species. If you look at divorce rates, or even better, the prevalence of cheating, it becomes very clear we may not be cut out for life long commitment to one person. Just hear me out, If half of all married couples divorce, do you say half of all married couples are defective, or that maybe marriage is a defect. Just food for thought, maybe its not people thats the problem, maybe it the expectations of people.
Personally, I think some people are quite adept at being monogamous (great for them!), but a lot of people are NOT and are more or less forced into monogamy because it is the only socially acceptable position in Western society to have atm. Anyone who is polygamous or in an open relationship... hell, even folks into some less than conventional, but still perfectly legal kinky stuff are shamed and closeted because of how general society treats them.
True. Never said they were justifiable reasons, just simply pointing out that like so many other things in life, relationships can be approached from multiple angles. The communication is the important bit and that either gets overlooked or just outright ignored so many times.2 -
I think that men and women can cheat for totally different reasons, with a bit of overlap in the middle.
Men can cheat because they want to have someone new and exciting. They don't necessarily want to replace their current partner, just be with someone new. I think that much more men want to try open marriages or swinging etc than women.0 -
Me personally - I would never cheat on someone because I don't think it's a positive thing on my own spirit. I have a conscience and I wouldn't be able to lift that guilt.I think cheating on your partner makes you the lowest form of pond scum on earth, especially when you use the old "it just happened" excuse.
If you're not happy with your partner, put on your damn big girl or big guy panties and tell them. Either fix things or end them.
For those guilty parties, remember this. If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.
Although there are some women who may want to maintain a relationship with someone who has a low sex drive, and they probably would cheat in terms of a one night stand or something just for the thrill. isn't that called "swinging" or something? They probably do it behind their partners back so as not to hurt their partner if they don't agree with the idea of it. I don't think it makes them scum per se, it shows that they're needy and unfulfilled, so it can be a complicated matter.
I also do NOT agree with doing things behind someones back... that' just me though.
Swinging is totally different than cheating. So is an open relationship. Swingers and people in an open relationship know their partners are with other people. Cheating...they don't.
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Me personally - I would never cheat on someone because I don't think it's a positive thing on my own spirit. I have a conscience and I wouldn't be able to lift that guilt.I think cheating on your partner makes you the lowest form of pond scum on earth, especially when you use the old "it just happened" excuse.
If you're not happy with your partner, put on your damn big girl or big guy panties and tell them. Either fix things or end them.
For those guilty parties, remember this. If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.
Although there are some women who may want to maintain a relationship with someone who has a low sex drive, and they probably would cheat in terms of a one night stand or something just for the thrill. isn't that called "swinging" or something? They probably do it behind their partners back so as not to hurt their partner if they don't agree with the idea of it. I don't think it makes them scum per se, it shows that they're needy and unfulfilled, so it can be a complicated matter.
I also do NOT agree with doing things behind someones back... that' just me though.
Swinging is agreed upon by both partners with specific rules, not the same as cheating.7 -
Kcicidawn2011 wrote: »Because we are not a pair-bonding species. If you look at divorce rates, or even better, the prevalence of cheating, it becomes very clear we may not be cut out for life long commitment to one person. Just hear me out, If half of all married couples divorce, do you say half of all married couples are defective, or that maybe marriage is a defect. Just food for thought, maybe its not people thats the problem, maybe it the expectations of people.
This is why my husband and I have a mutually agreed open marriage with ground rules.
This is strictly based on strong couples who can come to mutual arrangement.
It's entirely a choice, and it's not for everyone.11 -
CanesGalactica wrote: »
- They realized too late that they weren't supposed to be monogamous.
- They've been shamed over their sexual preferences (that don't involve extramarital affairs) and have gone to someone who fulfills those desires without judgment.
- They weren't in love.
- They are capable of loving more than one person.
- They don't feel love or validation in their relationship so they seek it elsewhere.
- They're just a "player" who was never interested in a long term relationship and somehow roped someone into it.
- They have issues they never worked through and still aren't working through.
- It's opportunistic.
- Someone is paying them attention and it makes them feel good.
I mean, there can be soooooooo many reasons a person ventures outside of their relationship. Sometimes it's just for sex, but a lot of times, it's because something is missing and they either didn't communicate with their partner, or worse.. they can't. You'd be surprised how hostile some partners can be when you broach some certain topics.. and unfortunately, you only find out some of these things after you're already deep into a relationship, married, have kids, etc.
This is why they hound the whole "communication is important" bit. Some folks just learn the lesson way too late.
Also, not every person who cheats once will always cheat. It entirely depends on the person, the situation and whether or not they grow/change as a person.
I think this sums it up quite perfectly.2 -
Behindblue_eyes wrote: »My feeling is this - people cheat for a number of reasons 1: because it's "new and exciting - isn't everything in the beginning? 2: The attention (or whatever else is lacking in their primary relationship.) 3: Because they can.
*Triggering hard 😕*
Mostly agree with this. The lust overrides and short term rewards consume them in the moment. Yes, they are not satisfied with the current partner and bored...for lack of better words. That is almost a positive feedback loop, which explains why some might cheat repetitively.0 -
cicidawn2011 wrote: »Because we are not a pair-bonding species. If you look at divorce rates, or even better, the prevalence of cheating, it becomes very clear we may not be cut out for life long commitment to one person. Just hear me out, If half of all married couples divorce, do you say half of all married couples are defective, or that maybe marriage is a defect. Just food for thought, maybe its not people thats the problem, maybe it the expectations of people.
I also thought about this...like from the evolutionary angle. Our primitive ancestors were certainly not monogamists. I mean, apparent I have some Neanderthal DNA I me 🤣. For the survival of the species it makes sense to have lots of sex with lots of different people. No...this isn’t justifying it...surely with our higher consciousness and self awareness we have now we have better control of these ummm instincts?1 -
With a huney in the middle it's a three-way.
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I think that men and women can cheat for totally different reasons, with a bit of overlap in the middle.
Men can cheat because they want to have someone new and exciting. They don't necessarily want to replace their current partner, just be with someone new. I think that much more men want to try open marriages or swinging etc than women.
I really dislike conflating cheating with open marriage.5 -
Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.
Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.5 -
I think cheating on your partner makes you the lowest form of pond scum on earth, especially when you use the old "it just happened" excuse.
If you're not happy with your partner, put on your damn big girl or big guy panties and tell them. Either fix things or end them.
For those guilty parties, remember this. If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.
I have to agree with this. You try to fix things and if it doesnt work out be adult enough to end it. How unfair to move on while allowing your partner to stay stuck in what is clearly an unhealthy relationship. It's never easy cause of kids, money, and emotions...but at the very least say I'm unhappy and looking for happiness elsewhere, what should we do...3 -
cicidawn2011 wrote: »Because we are not a pair-bonding species. If you look at divorce rates, or even better, the prevalence of cheating, it becomes very clear we may not be cut out for life long commitment to one person. Just hear me out, If half of all married couples divorce, do you say half of all married couples are defective, or that maybe marriage is a defect. Just food for thought, maybe its not people thats the problem, maybe it the expectations of people.
But that's the issue...our expectations and how we go about trying to get them met. That is an internal issue.0 -
i did it because the marriage was failing and i was unhappy. i was also immature. and i also thought the person i cheated with was beautiful and amazing and hot and funny. and we worked together. so it happened.
i wouldn't change it. if anything i just wouldn't have gotten married at all.14 -
Why do people cheat? Selfishness. It's looking out for only yourself. Whatever the reason you decided that lying to someone was the best thing for you.
I was cheated on in the past and couldn't understand it for a long time. Then I was in a position where I thought about doing it myself, a lot. I don't think that I ever could do that to someone though. I 'get' why more now but.... It's not right. If it's so unbearable you can say so. I walked away from that relationship that wasn't working out for me and my conscience is clear.3 -
i did it because the marriage was failing and i was unhappy. i was also immature. and i also thought the person i cheated with was beautiful and amazing and hot and funny. and we worked together. so it happened.
i wouldn't change it. if anything i just wouldn't have gotten married at all.
❤️4 -
I know many people who have cheated or are currently cheating, myself included. Blanket statements like “all cheaters are pond scum” are so black and white, whereas human motivation and behavior is so incredibly nuanced. I can respect that people feel strongly about it though.
So why did i cheat? If i only knew. Here are some ideas:
- i liked the attention and approval
- I felt trapped
- I didn’t know the temporary nature of lust
- I confused lust and love
- I thought what someone doesn’t know won’t hurt them
- I thought I deserved better
- I’m passive aggressive
- I believed we had grown apart
- My religious beliefs, ironically. I felt I couldn’t ever remarry so my only hope of experiencing true love was on the sly
- sexual repression and inexperience
- Negging and manipulation
- Feeling like once i became ‘damaged goods’ that it no longer mattered what i did
- I struggled with establishing boundaries
- I love my dad but have never felt openly loved by him
- I desperately wanted to find a moral loophole to my situation
I’m not trying to offer excuses, just sharing my firsthand thoughts on why i did what i did. It was never a conscious decision to do it and i have never been able to come up with a single satisfactory explanation for it.15 -
i did it because the marriage was failing and i was unhappy. i was also immature. and i also thought the person i cheated with was beautiful and amazing and hot and funny. and we worked together. so it happened.
i wouldn't change it. if anything i just wouldn't have gotten married at all.
Or...go back and say hey, I'm feeling some kind of way...I'm thinking of moving on? Why wouldn't you change that...hooking up with the person maybe you wouldn't change...but I'm curious as to why you wouldn't change how you went about it?5 -
caco_ethes wrote: »I know many people who have cheated or are currently cheating, myself included. Blanket statements like “all cheaters are pond scum” are so black and white, whereas human motivation and behavior is so incredibly nuanced. I can respect that people feel strongly about it though.
So why did i cheat? If i only knew. Here are some ideas:
- i liked the attention and approval
- I felt trapped
- I didn’t know the temporary nature of lust
- I confused lust and love
- I thought what someone doesn’t know won’t hurt them
- I thought I deserved better
- I’m passive aggressive
- I believed we had grown apart
- My religious beliefs, ironically. I felt I couldn’t ever remarry so my only hope of experiencing true love was on the sly
- sexual repression and inexperience
- Negging and manipulation
- Feeling like once i became ‘damaged goods’ that it no longer mattered what i did
- I struggled with establishing boundaries
- I love my dad but have never felt openly loved by him
- I desperately wanted to find a moral loophole to my situation
I’m not trying to offer excuses, just sharing my firsthand thoughts on why i did what i did. It was never a conscious decision to do it and i have never been able to come up with a single satisfactory explanation for it.
I guess If we just state the reasons why...then yes...all this and more...but we all feel these things...why is it ok to act on them? But I guess that's an entirely different thread.3 -
isalsayourface123 wrote: »i did it because the marriage was failing and i was unhappy. i was also immature. and i also thought the person i cheated with was beautiful and amazing and hot and funny. and we worked together. so it happened.
i wouldn't change it. if anything i just wouldn't have gotten married at all.
Or...go back and say hey, I'm feeling some kind of way...I'm thinking of moving on? Why wouldn't you change that...hooking up with the person maybe you wouldn't change...but I'm curious as to why you wouldn't change how you went about it?
i did move on. moved out and divorced.
she remarried 3 months after our divorce was final.
she ended up having a couple of kids and seems to be happy.
and i wouldn't change how i did it. the person i cheated with. we ended up in a relationship and had a lot of good years together. best years i ever had my whole life in fact.
changing any of that wouldn't have made things what they were and came to be. and you can't change it. it happened.10 -
isalsayourface123 wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »I know many people who have cheated or are currently cheating, myself included. Blanket statements like “all cheaters are pond scum” are so black and white, whereas human motivation and behavior is so incredibly nuanced. I can respect that people feel strongly about it though.
So why did i cheat? If i only knew. Here are some ideas:
- i liked the attention and approval
- I felt trapped
- I didn’t know the temporary nature of lust
- I confused lust and love
- I thought what someone doesn’t know won’t hurt them
- I thought I deserved better
- I’m passive aggressive
- I believed we had grown apart
- My religious beliefs, ironically. I felt I couldn’t ever remarry so my only hope of experiencing true love was on the sly
- sexual repression and inexperience
- Negging and manipulation
- Feeling like once i became ‘damaged goods’ that it no longer mattered what i did
- I struggled with establishing boundaries
- I love my dad but have never felt openly loved by him
- I desperately wanted to find a moral loophole to my situation
I’m not trying to offer excuses, just sharing my firsthand thoughts on why i did what i did. It was never a conscious decision to do it and i have never been able to come up with a single satisfactory explanation for it.
I guess If we just state the reasons why...then yes...all this and more...but we all feel these things...why is it ok to act on them? But I guess that's an entirely different thread.
If you’re looking for a reason why its justified or okay, I don’t have anything for you3 -
caco_ethes wrote: »isalsayourface123 wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »I know many people who have cheated or are currently cheating, myself included. Blanket statements like “all cheaters are pond scum” are so black and white, whereas human motivation and behavior is so incredibly nuanced. I can respect that people feel strongly about it though.
So why did i cheat? If i only knew. Here are some ideas:
- i liked the attention and approval
- I felt trapped
- I didn’t know the temporary nature of lust
- I confused lust and love
- I thought what someone doesn’t know won’t hurt them
- I thought I deserved better
- I’m passive aggressive
- I believed we had grown apart
- My religious beliefs, ironically. I felt I couldn’t ever remarry so my only hope of experiencing true love was on the sly
- sexual repression and inexperience
- Negging and manipulation
- Feeling like once i became ‘damaged goods’ that it no longer mattered what i did
- I struggled with establishing boundaries
- I love my dad but have never felt openly loved by him
- I desperately wanted to find a moral loophole to my situation
I’m not trying to offer excuses, just sharing my firsthand thoughts on why i did what i did. It was never a conscious decision to do it and i have never been able to come up with a single satisfactory explanation for it.
I guess If we just state the reasons why...then yes...all this and more...but we all feel these things...why is it ok to act on them? But I guess that's an entirely different thread.
If you’re looking for a reason why its justified or okay, I don’t have anything for you
No, not looking for a justification. I'm just saying we all have those desires, issues, unhappiness. As much as my partner was unhappy with me, I was unhappy with him. He shouldve given me the chance as well to seek out something better too...but I was blindly and stupidly trying to figure things out and make it better. I'd much rather have had fun like him.4 -
caco_ethes wrote: »isalsayourface123 wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »I know many people who have cheated or are currently cheating, myself included. Blanket statements like “all cheaters are pond scum” are so black and white, whereas human motivation and behavior is so incredibly nuanced. I can respect that people feel strongly about it though.
So why did i cheat? If i only knew. Here are some ideas:
- i liked the attention and approval
- I felt trapped
- I didn’t know the temporary nature of lust
- I confused lust and love
- I thought what someone doesn’t know won’t hurt them
- I thought I deserved better
- I’m passive aggressive
- I believed we had grown apart
- My religious beliefs, ironically. I felt I couldn’t ever remarry so my only hope of experiencing true love was on the sly
- sexual repression and inexperience
- Negging and manipulation
- Feeling like once i became ‘damaged goods’ that it no longer mattered what i did
- I struggled with establishing boundaries
- I love my dad but have never felt openly loved by him
- I desperately wanted to find a moral loophole to my situation
I’m not trying to offer excuses, just sharing my firsthand thoughts on why i did what i did. It was never a conscious decision to do it and i have never been able to come up with a single satisfactory explanation for it.
I guess If we just state the reasons why...then yes...all this and more...but we all feel these things...why is it ok to act on them? But I guess that's an entirely different thread.
If you’re looking for a reason why its justified or okay, I don’t have anything for you
And please dont take this as I'm judging...more trying to understand1 -
isalsayourface123 wrote: »i did it because the marriage was failing and i was unhappy. i was also immature. and i also thought the person i cheated with was beautiful and amazing and hot and funny. and we worked together. so it happened.
i wouldn't change it. if anything i just wouldn't have gotten married at all.
Or...go back and say hey, I'm feeling some kind of way...I'm thinking of moving on? Why wouldn't you change that...hooking up with the person maybe you wouldn't change...but I'm curious as to why you wouldn't change how you went about it?
i did move on. moved out and divorced.
she remarried 3 months after our divorce was final.
she ended up having a couple of kids and seems to be happy.
and i wouldn't change how i did it. the person i cheated with. we ended up in a relationship and had a lot of good years together. best years i ever had my whole life in fact.
changing any of that wouldn't have made things what they were and came to be. and you can't change it. it happened.
But I'd like to think we learn from the past. The amount of pain it causes is tremendous...so my ex is completely faithful to his now girlfriend...I think he would've done things differently if he could.
But you are right. What's done is done.
I'm constantly looking at what drove him to that...and I can now see my part ...I hope to never make someone feel unloved or unwanted again...3 -
I think this thread needs some Buddhaposting.
Just chill...
5 -
I read the OP question as a simple why, and not why is it ok.
But i find it abhorrent to say that cheating in a relationship is the worst thing. I can think of way worse. If you can’t then I guess I should be happy for you.
to say that people can’t change is rigid and cruel.
And I’m thinking about a man who bent and wrote with his finger on the ground.
6 -
isalsayourface123 wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »isalsayourface123 wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »I know many people who have cheated or are currently cheating, myself included. Blanket statements like “all cheaters are pond scum” are so black and white, whereas human motivation and behavior is so incredibly nuanced. I can respect that people feel strongly about it though.
So why did i cheat? If i only knew. Here are some ideas:
- i liked the attention and approval
- I felt trapped
- I didn’t know the temporary nature of lust
- I confused lust and love
- I thought what someone doesn’t know won’t hurt them
- I thought I deserved better
- I’m passive aggressive
- I believed we had grown apart
- My religious beliefs, ironically. I felt I couldn’t ever remarry so my only hope of experiencing true love was on the sly
- sexual repression and inexperience
- Negging and manipulation
- Feeling like once i became ‘damaged goods’ that it no longer mattered what i did
- I struggled with establishing boundaries
- I love my dad but have never felt openly loved by him
- I desperately wanted to find a moral loophole to my situation
I’m not trying to offer excuses, just sharing my firsthand thoughts on why i did what i did. It was never a conscious decision to do it and i have never been able to come up with a single satisfactory explanation for it.
I guess If we just state the reasons why...then yes...all this and more...but we all feel these things...why is it ok to act on them? But I guess that's an entirely different thread.
If you’re looking for a reason why its justified or okay, I don’t have anything for you
And please dont take this as I'm judging...more trying to understand
You and me both girl0
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