WHY do people CHEAT?

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Replies

  • amorfati601070
    amorfati601070 Posts: 2,861 Member
    cicidawn2011 wrote: »
    Because we are not a pair-bonding species. If you look at divorce rates, or even better, the prevalence of cheating, it becomes very clear we may not be cut out for life long commitment to one person. Just hear me out, If half of all married couples divorce, do you say half of all married couples are defective, or that maybe marriage is a defect. Just food for thought, maybe its not people thats the problem, maybe it the expectations of people.

    I also thought about this...like from the evolutionary angle. Our primitive ancestors were certainly not monogamists. I mean, apparent I have some Neanderthal DNA I me 🤣. For the survival of the species it makes sense to have lots of sex with lots of different people. No...this isn’t justifying it...surely with our higher consciousness and self awareness we have now we have better control of these ummm instincts?
  • NoHookUpZone
    NoHookUpZone Posts: 1,531 Member
    With a huney in the middle it's a three-way.

    tenor.gif
  • isalsayourface123
    isalsayourface123 Posts: 2,153 Member
    LyndaBSS wrote: »
    I think cheating on your partner makes you the lowest form of pond scum on earth, especially when you use the old "it just happened" excuse.

    If you're not happy with your partner, put on your damn big girl or big guy panties and tell them. Either fix things or end them.

    For those guilty parties, remember this. If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.

    I have to agree with this. You try to fix things and if it doesnt work out be adult enough to end it. How unfair to move on while allowing your partner to stay stuck in what is clearly an unhealthy relationship. It's never easy cause of kids, money, and emotions...but at the very least say I'm unhappy and looking for happiness elsewhere, what should we do...
  • isalsayourface123
    isalsayourface123 Posts: 2,153 Member
    cicidawn2011 wrote: »
    Because we are not a pair-bonding species. If you look at divorce rates, or even better, the prevalence of cheating, it becomes very clear we may not be cut out for life long commitment to one person. Just hear me out, If half of all married couples divorce, do you say half of all married couples are defective, or that maybe marriage is a defect. Just food for thought, maybe its not people thats the problem, maybe it the expectations of people.

    But that's the issue...our expectations and how we go about trying to get them met. That is an internal issue.
  • mtndewme
    mtndewme Posts: 724 Member
    Why do people cheat? Selfishness. It's looking out for only yourself. Whatever the reason you decided that lying to someone was the best thing for you.
    I was cheated on in the past and couldn't understand it for a long time. Then I was in a position where I thought about doing it myself, a lot. I don't think that I ever could do that to someone though. I 'get' why more now but.... It's not right. If it's so unbearable you can say so. I walked away from that relationship that wasn't working out for me and my conscience is clear.
  • your_future_ex_wife
    your_future_ex_wife Posts: 4,278 Member
    iMago wrote: »
    i did it because the marriage was failing and i was unhappy. i was also immature. and i also thought the person i cheated with was beautiful and amazing and hot and funny. and we worked together. so it happened.

    i wouldn't change it. if anything i just wouldn't have gotten married at all.

    ❤️
  • isalsayourface123
    isalsayourface123 Posts: 2,153 Member
    caco_ethes wrote: »
    I know many people who have cheated or are currently cheating, myself included. Blanket statements like “all cheaters are pond scum” are so black and white, whereas human motivation and behavior is so incredibly nuanced. I can respect that people feel strongly about it though.

    So why did i cheat? If i only knew. Here are some ideas:

    - i liked the attention and approval
    - I felt trapped
    - I didn’t know the temporary nature of lust
    - I confused lust and love
    - I thought what someone doesn’t know won’t hurt them
    - I thought I deserved better
    - I’m passive aggressive
    - I believed we had grown apart
    - My religious beliefs, ironically. I felt I couldn’t ever remarry so my only hope of experiencing true love was on the sly
    - sexual repression and inexperience
    - Negging and manipulation
    - Feeling like once i became ‘damaged goods’ that it no longer mattered what i did
    - I struggled with establishing boundaries
    - I love my dad but have never felt openly loved by him
    - I desperately wanted to find a moral loophole to my situation

    I’m not trying to offer excuses, just sharing my firsthand thoughts on why i did what i did. It was never a conscious decision to do it and i have never been able to come up with a single satisfactory explanation for it.

    I guess If we just state the reasons why...then yes...all this and more...but we all feel these things...why is it ok to act on them? But I guess that's an entirely different thread.
  • caco_ethes
    caco_ethes Posts: 11,962 Member
    isalsayourface123 wrote: »
    caco_ethes wrote: »
    I know many people who have cheated or are currently cheating, myself included. Blanket statements like “all cheaters are pond scum” are so black and white, whereas human motivation and behavior is so incredibly nuanced. I can respect that people feel strongly about it though.

    So why did i cheat? If i only knew. Here are some ideas:

    - i liked the attention and approval
    - I felt trapped
    - I didn’t know the temporary nature of lust
    - I confused lust and love
    - I thought what someone doesn’t know won’t hurt them
    - I thought I deserved better
    - I’m passive aggressive
    - I believed we had grown apart
    - My religious beliefs, ironically. I felt I couldn’t ever remarry so my only hope of experiencing true love was on the sly
    - sexual repression and inexperience
    - Negging and manipulation
    - Feeling like once i became ‘damaged goods’ that it no longer mattered what i did
    - I struggled with establishing boundaries
    - I love my dad but have never felt openly loved by him
    - I desperately wanted to find a moral loophole to my situation

    I’m not trying to offer excuses, just sharing my firsthand thoughts on why i did what i did. It was never a conscious decision to do it and i have never been able to come up with a single satisfactory explanation for it.

    I guess If we just state the reasons why...then yes...all this and more...but we all feel these things...why is it ok to act on them? But I guess that's an entirely different thread.

    If you’re looking for a reason why its justified or okay, I don’t have anything for you
  • isalsayourface123
    isalsayourface123 Posts: 2,153 Member
    caco_ethes wrote: »
    isalsayourface123 wrote: »
    caco_ethes wrote: »
    I know many people who have cheated or are currently cheating, myself included. Blanket statements like “all cheaters are pond scum” are so black and white, whereas human motivation and behavior is so incredibly nuanced. I can respect that people feel strongly about it though.

    So why did i cheat? If i only knew. Here are some ideas:

    - i liked the attention and approval
    - I felt trapped
    - I didn’t know the temporary nature of lust
    - I confused lust and love
    - I thought what someone doesn’t know won’t hurt them
    - I thought I deserved better
    - I’m passive aggressive
    - I believed we had grown apart
    - My religious beliefs, ironically. I felt I couldn’t ever remarry so my only hope of experiencing true love was on the sly
    - sexual repression and inexperience
    - Negging and manipulation
    - Feeling like once i became ‘damaged goods’ that it no longer mattered what i did
    - I struggled with establishing boundaries
    - I love my dad but have never felt openly loved by him
    - I desperately wanted to find a moral loophole to my situation

    I’m not trying to offer excuses, just sharing my firsthand thoughts on why i did what i did. It was never a conscious decision to do it and i have never been able to come up with a single satisfactory explanation for it.

    I guess If we just state the reasons why...then yes...all this and more...but we all feel these things...why is it ok to act on them? But I guess that's an entirely different thread.

    If you’re looking for a reason why its justified or okay, I don’t have anything for you

    No, not looking for a justification. I'm just saying we all have those desires, issues, unhappiness. As much as my partner was unhappy with me, I was unhappy with him. He shouldve given me the chance as well to seek out something better too...but I was blindly and stupidly trying to figure things out and make it better. I'd much rather have had fun like him.
  • isalsayourface123
    isalsayourface123 Posts: 2,153 Member
    caco_ethes wrote: »
    isalsayourface123 wrote: »
    caco_ethes wrote: »
    I know many people who have cheated or are currently cheating, myself included. Blanket statements like “all cheaters are pond scum” are so black and white, whereas human motivation and behavior is so incredibly nuanced. I can respect that people feel strongly about it though.

    So why did i cheat? If i only knew. Here are some ideas:

    - i liked the attention and approval
    - I felt trapped
    - I didn’t know the temporary nature of lust
    - I confused lust and love
    - I thought what someone doesn’t know won’t hurt them
    - I thought I deserved better
    - I’m passive aggressive
    - I believed we had grown apart
    - My religious beliefs, ironically. I felt I couldn’t ever remarry so my only hope of experiencing true love was on the sly
    - sexual repression and inexperience
    - Negging and manipulation
    - Feeling like once i became ‘damaged goods’ that it no longer mattered what i did
    - I struggled with establishing boundaries
    - I love my dad but have never felt openly loved by him
    - I desperately wanted to find a moral loophole to my situation

    I’m not trying to offer excuses, just sharing my firsthand thoughts on why i did what i did. It was never a conscious decision to do it and i have never been able to come up with a single satisfactory explanation for it.

    I guess If we just state the reasons why...then yes...all this and more...but we all feel these things...why is it ok to act on them? But I guess that's an entirely different thread.

    If you’re looking for a reason why its justified or okay, I don’t have anything for you

    And please dont take this as I'm judging...more trying to understand
  • isalsayourface123
    isalsayourface123 Posts: 2,153 Member
    iMago wrote: »
    isalsayourface123 wrote: »
    iMago wrote: »
    i did it because the marriage was failing and i was unhappy. i was also immature. and i also thought the person i cheated with was beautiful and amazing and hot and funny. and we worked together. so it happened.

    i wouldn't change it. if anything i just wouldn't have gotten married at all.

    Or...go back and say hey, I'm feeling some kind of way...I'm thinking of moving on? Why wouldn't you change that...hooking up with the person maybe you wouldn't change...but I'm curious as to why you wouldn't change how you went about it?

    i did move on. moved out and divorced.
    she remarried 3 months after our divorce was final.
    she ended up having a couple of kids and seems to be happy.

    and i wouldn't change how i did it. the person i cheated with. we ended up in a relationship and had a lot of good years together. best years i ever had my whole life in fact.

    changing any of that wouldn't have made things what they were and came to be. and you can't change it. it happened.

    But I'd like to think we learn from the past. The amount of pain it causes is tremendous...so my ex is completely faithful to his now girlfriend...I think he would've done things differently if he could.

    But you are right. What's done is done.

    I'm constantly looking at what drove him to that...and I can now see my part ...I hope to never make someone feel unloved or unwanted again...
  • caco_ethes
    caco_ethes Posts: 11,962 Member
    isalsayourface123 wrote: »
    caco_ethes wrote: »
    isalsayourface123 wrote: »
    caco_ethes wrote: »
    I know many people who have cheated or are currently cheating, myself included. Blanket statements like “all cheaters are pond scum” are so black and white, whereas human motivation and behavior is so incredibly nuanced. I can respect that people feel strongly about it though.

    So why did i cheat? If i only knew. Here are some ideas:

    - i liked the attention and approval
    - I felt trapped
    - I didn’t know the temporary nature of lust
    - I confused lust and love
    - I thought what someone doesn’t know won’t hurt them
    - I thought I deserved better
    - I’m passive aggressive
    - I believed we had grown apart
    - My religious beliefs, ironically. I felt I couldn’t ever remarry so my only hope of experiencing true love was on the sly
    - sexual repression and inexperience
    - Negging and manipulation
    - Feeling like once i became ‘damaged goods’ that it no longer mattered what i did
    - I struggled with establishing boundaries
    - I love my dad but have never felt openly loved by him
    - I desperately wanted to find a moral loophole to my situation

    I’m not trying to offer excuses, just sharing my firsthand thoughts on why i did what i did. It was never a conscious decision to do it and i have never been able to come up with a single satisfactory explanation for it.

    I guess If we just state the reasons why...then yes...all this and more...but we all feel these things...why is it ok to act on them? But I guess that's an entirely different thread.

    If you’re looking for a reason why its justified or okay, I don’t have anything for you

    And please dont take this as I'm judging...more trying to understand

    You and me both girl

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