WHY do people CHEAT?
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isalsayourface123 wrote: »isalsayourface123 wrote: »i did it because the marriage was failing and i was unhappy. i was also immature. and i also thought the person i cheated with was beautiful and amazing and hot and funny. and we worked together. so it happened.
i wouldn't change it. if anything i just wouldn't have gotten married at all.
Or...go back and say hey, I'm feeling some kind of way...I'm thinking of moving on? Why wouldn't you change that...hooking up with the person maybe you wouldn't change...but I'm curious as to why you wouldn't change how you went about it?
i did move on. moved out and divorced.
she remarried 3 months after our divorce was final.
she ended up having a couple of kids and seems to be happy.
and i wouldn't change how i did it. the person i cheated with. we ended up in a relationship and had a lot of good years together. best years i ever had my whole life in fact.
changing any of that wouldn't have made things what they were and came to be. and you can't change it. it happened.
But I'd like to think we learn from the past. The amount of pain it causes is tremendous...so my ex is completely faithful to his now girlfriend...I think he would've done things differently if he could.
But you are right. What's done is done.
I'm constantly looking at what drove him to that...and I can now see my part ...I hope to never make someone feel unloved or unwanted again...
i did learn in my own way. i learned what it cost. for good or bad.
and i learned not to get married again.7 -
poisonesse wrote: »Geez, when I read the post's title, I thought you were talking about cheating on your logging... you know, putting down fake calorie counts in the data base or in your log to make you feel better about your overeating! I'd say people cheat because they want to have their cake and eat it too!
I'm with you, I saw the title and I thought about about drinking a coke and not logging it or only logging 1 bag of M&M's, not the 2 bags I really ate, I thought somehow MFP was onto me
2 -
your_future_ex_wife wrote: »I read the OP question as a simple why, and not why is it ok.
But i find it abhorrent to say that cheating in a relationship is the worst thing. I can think of way worse. If you can’t then I guess I should be happy for you.
to say that people can’t change is rigid and cruel.
And I’m thinking about a man who bent and wrote with his finger on the ground.
Wasn’t it a stick? 😏1 -
caco_ethes wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »I read the OP question as a simple why, and not why is it ok.
But i find it abhorrent to say that cheating in a relationship is the worst thing. I can think of way worse. If you can’t then I guess I should be happy for you.
to say that people can’t change is rigid and cruel.
And I’m thinking about a man who bent and wrote with his finger on the ground.
Wasn’t it a stick? 😏
y’know, i googled and the first translation said finger but you may be right1 -
ArmyVeteranM1A1C wrote: »poisonesse wrote: »Geez, when I read the post's title, I thought you were talking about cheating on your logging... you know, putting down fake calorie counts in the data base or in your log to make you feel better about your overeating! I'd say people cheat because they want to have their cake and eat it too!
I'm with you, I saw the title and I thought about about drinking a coke and not logging it or only logging 1 bag of M&M's, not the 2 bags I really ate, I thought somehow MFP was onto me
Onto You ???
Well..... we are now.2 -
isalsayourface123 wrote: »isalsayourface123 wrote: »i did it because the marriage was failing and i was unhappy. i was also immature. and i also thought the person i cheated with was beautiful and amazing and hot and funny. and we worked together. so it happened.
i wouldn't change it. if anything i just wouldn't have gotten married at all.
Or...go back and say hey, I'm feeling some kind of way...I'm thinking of moving on? Why wouldn't you change that...hooking up with the person maybe you wouldn't change...but I'm curious as to why you wouldn't change how you went about it?
i did move on. moved out and divorced.
she remarried 3 months after our divorce was final.
she ended up having a couple of kids and seems to be happy.
and i wouldn't change how i did it. the person i cheated with. we ended up in a relationship and had a lot of good years together. best years i ever had my whole life in fact.
changing any of that wouldn't have made things what they were and came to be. and you can't change it. it happened.
But I'd like to think we learn from the past. The amount of pain it causes is tremendous...so my ex is completely faithful to his now girlfriend...I think he would've done things differently if he could.
But you are right. What's done is done.
I'm constantly looking at what drove him to that...and I can now see my part ...I hope to never make someone feel unloved or unwanted again...
i did learn in my own way. i learned what it cost. for good or bad.
and i learned not to get married again.
Ok fair enough. I read into your post too much.your_future_ex_wife wrote: »I read the OP question as a simple why, and not why is it ok.
But i find it abhorrent to say that cheating in a relationship is the worst thing. I can think of way worse. If you can’t then I guess I should be happy for you.
to say that people can’t change is rigid and cruel.
And I’m thinking about a man who bent and wrote with his finger on the ground.
Never did I feel like I said people cant change. I very much think change is possible. It's what I work on daily. This is not me judging anyone's lives or choices...I dont know what you've been through. I only know how I relate based on my own experiences.3 -
caco_ethes wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »I read the OP question as a simple why, and not why is it ok.
But i find it abhorrent to say that cheating in a relationship is the worst thing. I can think of way worse. If you can’t then I guess I should be happy for you.
to say that people can’t change is rigid and cruel.
And I’m thinking about a man who bent and wrote with his finger on the ground.
Wasn’t it a stick? 😏
That wasn't a stick.2 -
isalsayourface123 wrote: »isalsayourface123 wrote: »isalsayourface123 wrote: »i did it because the marriage was failing and i was unhappy. i was also immature. and i also thought the person i cheated with was beautiful and amazing and hot and funny. and we worked together. so it happened.
i wouldn't change it. if anything i just wouldn't have gotten married at all.
Or...go back and say hey, I'm feeling some kind of way...I'm thinking of moving on? Why wouldn't you change that...hooking up with the person maybe you wouldn't change...but I'm curious as to why you wouldn't change how you went about it?
i did move on. moved out and divorced.
she remarried 3 months after our divorce was final.
she ended up having a couple of kids and seems to be happy.
and i wouldn't change how i did it. the person i cheated with. we ended up in a relationship and had a lot of good years together. best years i ever had my whole life in fact.
changing any of that wouldn't have made things what they were and came to be. and you can't change it. it happened.
But I'd like to think we learn from the past. The amount of pain it causes is tremendous...so my ex is completely faithful to his now girlfriend...I think he would've done things differently if he could.
But you are right. What's done is done.
I'm constantly looking at what drove him to that...and I can now see my part ...I hope to never make someone feel unloved or unwanted again...
i did learn in my own way. i learned what it cost. for good or bad.
and i learned not to get married again.
Ok fair enough. I read into your post too much.your_future_ex_wife wrote: »I read the OP question as a simple why, and not why is it ok.
But i find it abhorrent to say that cheating in a relationship is the worst thing. I can think of way worse. If you can’t then I guess I should be happy for you.
to say that people can’t change is rigid and cruel.
And I’m thinking about a man who bent and wrote with his finger on the ground.
Never did I feel like I said people cant change. I very much think change is possible. It's what I work on daily. This is not me judging anyone's lives or choices...I dont know what you've been through. I only know how I relate based on my own experiences.
yes, i got that sense from you. i didn’t quote you for a reason. I’m talking about the thread as a whole. I think it’s an important conversation.1 -
your_future_ex_wife wrote: »isalsayourface123 wrote: »isalsayourface123 wrote: »isalsayourface123 wrote: »i did it because the marriage was failing and i was unhappy. i was also immature. and i also thought the person i cheated with was beautiful and amazing and hot and funny. and we worked together. so it happened.
i wouldn't change it. if anything i just wouldn't have gotten married at all.
Or...go back and say hey, I'm feeling some kind of way...I'm thinking of moving on? Why wouldn't you change that...hooking up with the person maybe you wouldn't change...but I'm curious as to why you wouldn't change how you went about it?
i did move on. moved out and divorced.
she remarried 3 months after our divorce was final.
she ended up having a couple of kids and seems to be happy.
and i wouldn't change how i did it. the person i cheated with. we ended up in a relationship and had a lot of good years together. best years i ever had my whole life in fact.
changing any of that wouldn't have made things what they were and came to be. and you can't change it. it happened.
But I'd like to think we learn from the past. The amount of pain it causes is tremendous...so my ex is completely faithful to his now girlfriend...I think he would've done things differently if he could.
But you are right. What's done is done.
I'm constantly looking at what drove him to that...and I can now see my part ...I hope to never make someone feel unloved or unwanted again...
i did learn in my own way. i learned what it cost. for good or bad.
and i learned not to get married again.
Ok fair enough. I read into your post too much.your_future_ex_wife wrote: »I read the OP question as a simple why, and not why is it ok.
But i find it abhorrent to say that cheating in a relationship is the worst thing. I can think of way worse. If you can’t then I guess I should be happy for you.
to say that people can’t change is rigid and cruel.
And I’m thinking about a man who bent and wrote with his finger on the ground.
Never did I feel like I said people cant change. I very much think change is possible. It's what I work on daily. This is not me judging anyone's lives or choices...I dont know what you've been through. I only know how I relate based on my own experiences.
yes, i got that sense from you. i didn’t quote you for a reason. I’m talking about the thread as a whole. I think it’s an important conversation.
Oh. Ok. Sorry didnt read every post 🤦♀️
I think you're a pretty cool chick. ❤2 -
isalsayourface123 wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »isalsayourface123 wrote: »isalsayourface123 wrote: »isalsayourface123 wrote: »i did it because the marriage was failing and i was unhappy. i was also immature. and i also thought the person i cheated with was beautiful and amazing and hot and funny. and we worked together. so it happened.
i wouldn't change it. if anything i just wouldn't have gotten married at all.
Or...go back and say hey, I'm feeling some kind of way...I'm thinking of moving on? Why wouldn't you change that...hooking up with the person maybe you wouldn't change...but I'm curious as to why you wouldn't change how you went about it?
i did move on. moved out and divorced.
she remarried 3 months after our divorce was final.
she ended up having a couple of kids and seems to be happy.
and i wouldn't change how i did it. the person i cheated with. we ended up in a relationship and had a lot of good years together. best years i ever had my whole life in fact.
changing any of that wouldn't have made things what they were and came to be. and you can't change it. it happened.
But I'd like to think we learn from the past. The amount of pain it causes is tremendous...so my ex is completely faithful to his now girlfriend...I think he would've done things differently if he could.
But you are right. What's done is done.
I'm constantly looking at what drove him to that...and I can now see my part ...I hope to never make someone feel unloved or unwanted again...
i did learn in my own way. i learned what it cost. for good or bad.
and i learned not to get married again.
Ok fair enough. I read into your post too much.your_future_ex_wife wrote: »I read the OP question as a simple why, and not why is it ok.
But i find it abhorrent to say that cheating in a relationship is the worst thing. I can think of way worse. If you can’t then I guess I should be happy for you.
to say that people can’t change is rigid and cruel.
And I’m thinking about a man who bent and wrote with his finger on the ground.
Never did I feel like I said people cant change. I very much think change is possible. It's what I work on daily. This is not me judging anyone's lives or choices...I dont know what you've been through. I only know how I relate based on my own experiences.
yes, i got that sense from you. i didn’t quote you for a reason. I’m talking about the thread as a whole. I think it’s an important conversation.
Oh. Ok. Sorry didnt read every post 🤦♀️
I think you're a pretty cool chick. ❤
i like you too. you should read it though. it’s enlightening1 -
isalsayourface123 wrote: »isalsayourface123 wrote: »isalsayourface123 wrote: »i did it because the marriage was failing and i was unhappy. i was also immature. and i also thought the person i cheated with was beautiful and amazing and hot and funny. and we worked together. so it happened.
i wouldn't change it. if anything i just wouldn't have gotten married at all.
Or...go back and say hey, I'm feeling some kind of way...I'm thinking of moving on? Why wouldn't you change that...hooking up with the person maybe you wouldn't change...but I'm curious as to why you wouldn't change how you went about it?
i did move on. moved out and divorced.
she remarried 3 months after our divorce was final.
she ended up having a couple of kids and seems to be happy.
and i wouldn't change how i did it. the person i cheated with. we ended up in a relationship and had a lot of good years together. best years i ever had my whole life in fact.
changing any of that wouldn't have made things what they were and came to be. and you can't change it. it happened.
But I'd like to think we learn from the past. The amount of pain it causes is tremendous...so my ex is completely faithful to his now girlfriend...I think he would've done things differently if he could.
But you are right. What's done is done.
I'm constantly looking at what drove him to that...and I can now see my part ...I hope to never make someone feel unloved or unwanted again...
i did learn in my own way. i learned what it cost. for good or bad.
and i learned not to get married again.
Ok fair enough. I read into your post too much.your_future_ex_wife wrote: »I read the OP question as a simple why, and not why is it ok.
But i find it abhorrent to say that cheating in a relationship is the worst thing. I can think of way worse. If you can’t then I guess I should be happy for you.
to say that people can’t change is rigid and cruel.
And I’m thinking about a man who bent and wrote with his finger on the ground.
Never did I feel like I said people cant change. I very much think change is possible. It's what I work on daily. This is not me judging anyone's lives or choices...I dont know what you've been through. I only know how I relate based on my own experiences.
This topic is difficult because there’s a gaping divide between people who have cheated and who have been cheated on. Few people are untouched by it one way or another. Its a super ugly topic. I don’t like admitting my own part in it. I don’t want to be lumped in with the unfeeling selfish emotionally dead monsters.
All i know is humans are complex creatures and the worst thing we can do to each other is decide that someone is incurably bad based on their decisions. Not much good came from my choices but I’m thankful for learning that much at least.9 -
So to answer the as far as "cheating" in a relationship, the simple answer is the "cheater" wants more than he/she has, right or wrong
More complex answer would involve what the definition of cheating is, some men and women don't mind sharing so they do not consider it cheating, but other may judge and consider it cheating based on their morals, values and beliefs.
Cheating is more a Judeo/Christian stigma, many cultures and religions around the World do not consider infidelity cheating
Cheating is a perspective, swingers do not consider sexual relations with others cheating, Mormons with multiple wives do not consider it cheating, many cultures have condoned multiple wives or husbands or sex partners.
Now, don't wanna get too deep on that, I would just say if a couple is committed and the man or woman wants sex with another fwb and his/her partner does not allow that or know about it; it is terribly wrong especially if they don't practice safe sex and put their partners health and life at risk.
Me, I don't judge and don't care about someone else's business if it doesn't affect me, I have had swinger relationships and committed relationships, threesomes, foursomes, many combinations and know and have known many people and couples in all kinds of sexual situations, different situations work for different people.
Cheating can be defined many different ways, so this is a tough question to answer6 -
your_future_ex_wife wrote: »I read the OP question as a simple why, and not why is it ok.
But i find it abhorrent to say that cheating in a relationship is the worst thing. I can think of way worse. If you can’t then I guess I should be happy for you.
to say that people can’t change is rigid and cruel.
And I’m thinking about a man who bent and wrote with his finger on the ground.
This.
I've been cheated on and I've done the cheating. There are WAY worse things that can happen in a relationship that are 100% more damaging. And yes, that sadly comes from experience. More than once.
Not that cheating isn't damaging on its own (because it is), but there are way worse outcomes out there that you don't come back from. Ever.8 -
CanesGalactica wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »I read the OP question as a simple why, and not why is it ok.
But i find it abhorrent to say that cheating in a relationship is the worst thing. I can think of way worse. If you can’t then I guess I should be happy for you.
to say that people can’t change is rigid and cruel.
And I’m thinking about a man who bent and wrote with his finger on the ground.
This.
I've been cheated on and I've done the cheating. There are WAY worse things that can happen in a relationship that are 100% more damaging. And yes, that sadly comes from experience. More than once.
Not that cheating isn't damaging on its own (because it is), but there are way worse outcomes out there that you don't come back from. Ever.
I appreciate your posts in this thread.4 -
ArmyVeteranM1A1C wrote: »So to answer the as far as "cheating" in a relationship, the simple answer is the "cheater" wants more than he/she has, right or wrong
More complex answer would involve what the definition of cheating is, some men and women don't mind sharing so they do not consider it cheating, but other may judge and consider it cheating based on their morals, values and beliefs.
Cheating is more a Judeo/Christian stigma, many cultures and religions around the World do not consider infidelity cheating
Cheating is a perspective, swingers do not consider sexual relations with others cheating, Mormons with multiple wives do not consider it cheating, many cultures have condoned multiple wives or husbands or sex partners.
Now, don't wanna get too deep on that, I would just say if a couple is committed and the man or woman wants sex with another fwb and his/her partner does not allow that or know about it; it is terribly wrong especially if they don't practice safe sex and put their partners health and life at risk.
Me, I don't judge and don't care about someone else's business if it doesn't affect me, I have had swinger relationships and committed relationships, threesomes, foursomes, many combinations and know and have known many people and couples in all kinds of sexual situations, different situations work for different people.
Cheating can be defined many different ways, so this is a tough question to answer
1 -
caco_ethes wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »I read the OP question as a simple why, and not why is it ok.
But i find it abhorrent to say that cheating in a relationship is the worst thing. I can think of way worse. If you can’t then I guess I should be happy for you.
to say that people can’t change is rigid and cruel.
And I’m thinking about a man who bent and wrote with his finger on the ground.
This.
I've been cheated on and I've done the cheating. There are WAY worse things that can happen in a relationship that are 100% more damaging. And yes, that sadly comes from experience. More than once.
Not that cheating isn't damaging on its own (because it is), but there are way worse outcomes out there that you don't come back from. Ever.
I appreciate your posts in this thread.
same1 -
caco_ethes wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »I read the OP question as a simple why, and not why is it ok.
But i find it abhorrent to say that cheating in a relationship is the worst thing. I can think of way worse. If you can’t then I guess I should be happy for you.
to say that people can’t change is rigid and cruel.
And I’m thinking about a man who bent and wrote with his finger on the ground.
This.
I've been cheated on and I've done the cheating. There are WAY worse things that can happen in a relationship that are 100% more damaging. And yes, that sadly comes from experience. More than once.
Not that cheating isn't damaging on its own (because it is), but there are way worse outcomes out there that you don't come back from. Ever.
I appreciate your posts in this thread.
Thanks. Having been on both sides of this debate has lent me some interesting perspectives. It's a lot easier these days to be neutral about it and see it from the psychological/sociological aspect as opposed to the emotional aspect.
Keep in mind, not agreeing or disagreeing with the practice, mostly curious about human nature and asking these questions furthers my understanding (mostly).5 -
ArmyVeteranM1A1C wrote: »So to answer the as far as "cheating" in a relationship, the simple answer is the "cheater" wants more than he/she has, right or wrong
More complex answer would involve what the definition of cheating is, some men and women don't mind sharing so they do not consider it cheating, but other may judge and consider it cheating based on their morals, values and beliefs.
Cheating is more a Judeo/Christian stigma, many cultures and religions around the World do not consider infidelity cheating
Cheating is a perspective, swingers do not consider sexual relations with others cheating, Mormons with multiple wives do not consider it cheating, many cultures have condoned multiple wives or husbands or sex partners.
Now, don't wanna get too deep on that, I would just say if a couple is committed and the man or woman wants sex with another fwb and his/her partner does not allow that or know about it; it is terribly wrong especially if they don't practice safe sex and put their partners health and life at risk.
Me, I don't judge and don't care about someone else's business if it doesn't affect me, I have had swinger relationships and committed relationships, threesomes, foursomes, many combinations and know and have known many people and couples in all kinds of sexual situations, different situations work for different people.
Cheating can be defined many different ways, so this is a tough question to answer
Actually, the bolded is a good point. What I consider to be out of bounds for a relationship may not be the same for someone else, even my partner.
That's why that whole "communication" thing becomes important and it seems like we either are losing our ability to effectively communicate those needs and desires or we were never taught how to in the first place. We being collective, not you/I specific.3 -
If only if were that cut and dry. People cheat for individual reasons and I won’t go to the extent to turn all cheaters into villains as I can’t possibly know their situations or their reasons. I cheated because I hadn’t emotionally separated myself from my ex at the time. I was immature and jumped into a relationship all too soon. I paid the price when I inevitably fell in love with this new person and had to admit to him what I had done. Seeing his hurt, mending the broken that I had done, having to earn his trust back, the countless hours where he’d want to talk about it and I’d see him break all over again, it’s no easy task. In the end I felt unworthy of his love, although grateful he had stuck by me. I suppose that’s the price to pay for crushing someone’s heart. But I loved him, deeply, and despite that old saying “once a cheater, always a cheater”, I knew I’d never cross that line again.12
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