WHY do people CHEAT?

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Replies

  • isalsayourface123
    isalsayourface123 Posts: 2,153 Member
    your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
    isalsayourface123 wrote: »
    iMago wrote: »
    isalsayourface123 wrote: »
    iMago wrote: »
    isalsayourface123 wrote: »
    iMago wrote: »
    i did it because the marriage was failing and i was unhappy. i was also immature. and i also thought the person i cheated with was beautiful and amazing and hot and funny. and we worked together. so it happened.

    i wouldn't change it. if anything i just wouldn't have gotten married at all.

    Or...go back and say hey, I'm feeling some kind of way...I'm thinking of moving on? Why wouldn't you change that...hooking up with the person maybe you wouldn't change...but I'm curious as to why you wouldn't change how you went about it?

    i did move on. moved out and divorced.
    she remarried 3 months after our divorce was final.
    she ended up having a couple of kids and seems to be happy.

    and i wouldn't change how i did it. the person i cheated with. we ended up in a relationship and had a lot of good years together. best years i ever had my whole life in fact.

    changing any of that wouldn't have made things what they were and came to be. and you can't change it. it happened.

    But I'd like to think we learn from the past. The amount of pain it causes is tremendous...so my ex is completely faithful to his now girlfriend...I think he would've done things differently if he could.

    But you are right. What's done is done.

    I'm constantly looking at what drove him to that...and I can now see my part ...I hope to never make someone feel unloved or unwanted again...

    i did learn in my own way. i learned what it cost. for good or bad.
    and i learned not to get married again.

    Ok fair enough. I read into your post too much.
    your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
    I read the OP question as a simple why, and not why is it ok.

    But i find it abhorrent to say that cheating in a relationship is the worst thing. I can think of way worse. If you can’t then I guess I should be happy for you.

    to say that people can’t change is rigid and cruel.

    And I’m thinking about a man who bent and wrote with his finger on the ground.



    Never did I feel like I said people cant change. I very much think change is possible. It's what I work on daily. This is not me judging anyone's lives or choices...I dont know what you've been through. I only know how I relate based on my own experiences.

    yes, i got that sense from you. i didn’t quote you for a reason. I’m talking about the thread as a whole. I think it’s an important conversation.

    Oh. Ok. Sorry didnt read every post 🤦‍♀️

    I think you're a pretty cool chick. ❤
  • your_future_ex_wife
    your_future_ex_wife Posts: 4,278 Member
    isalsayourface123 wrote: »
    your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
    isalsayourface123 wrote: »
    iMago wrote: »
    isalsayourface123 wrote: »
    iMago wrote: »
    isalsayourface123 wrote: »
    iMago wrote: »
    i did it because the marriage was failing and i was unhappy. i was also immature. and i also thought the person i cheated with was beautiful and amazing and hot and funny. and we worked together. so it happened.

    i wouldn't change it. if anything i just wouldn't have gotten married at all.

    Or...go back and say hey, I'm feeling some kind of way...I'm thinking of moving on? Why wouldn't you change that...hooking up with the person maybe you wouldn't change...but I'm curious as to why you wouldn't change how you went about it?

    i did move on. moved out and divorced.
    she remarried 3 months after our divorce was final.
    she ended up having a couple of kids and seems to be happy.

    and i wouldn't change how i did it. the person i cheated with. we ended up in a relationship and had a lot of good years together. best years i ever had my whole life in fact.

    changing any of that wouldn't have made things what they were and came to be. and you can't change it. it happened.

    But I'd like to think we learn from the past. The amount of pain it causes is tremendous...so my ex is completely faithful to his now girlfriend...I think he would've done things differently if he could.

    But you are right. What's done is done.

    I'm constantly looking at what drove him to that...and I can now see my part ...I hope to never make someone feel unloved or unwanted again...

    i did learn in my own way. i learned what it cost. for good or bad.
    and i learned not to get married again.

    Ok fair enough. I read into your post too much.
    your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
    I read the OP question as a simple why, and not why is it ok.

    But i find it abhorrent to say that cheating in a relationship is the worst thing. I can think of way worse. If you can’t then I guess I should be happy for you.

    to say that people can’t change is rigid and cruel.

    And I’m thinking about a man who bent and wrote with his finger on the ground.



    Never did I feel like I said people cant change. I very much think change is possible. It's what I work on daily. This is not me judging anyone's lives or choices...I dont know what you've been through. I only know how I relate based on my own experiences.

    yes, i got that sense from you. i didn’t quote you for a reason. I’m talking about the thread as a whole. I think it’s an important conversation.

    Oh. Ok. Sorry didnt read every post 🤦‍♀️

    I think you're a pretty cool chick. ❤

    i like you too. you should read it though. it’s enlightening
  • caco_ethes
    caco_ethes Posts: 11,962 Member
    CanesGalactica wrote: »
    your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
    I read the OP question as a simple why, and not why is it ok.

    But i find it abhorrent to say that cheating in a relationship is the worst thing. I can think of way worse. If you can’t then I guess I should be happy for you.

    to say that people can’t change is rigid and cruel.

    And I’m thinking about a man who bent and wrote with his finger on the ground.



    This.

    I've been cheated on and I've done the cheating. There are WAY worse things that can happen in a relationship that are 100% more damaging. And yes, that sadly comes from experience. More than once.

    Not that cheating isn't damaging on its own (because it is), but there are way worse outcomes out there that you don't come back from. Ever.

    I appreciate your posts in this thread.
  • NoHookUpZone
    NoHookUpZone Posts: 1,531 Member
    ArmyVeteranM1A1C wrote: »
    So to answer the as far as "cheating" in a relationship, the simple answer is the "cheater" wants more than he/she has, right or wrong
    More complex answer would involve what the definition of cheating is, some men and women don't mind sharing so they do not consider it cheating, but other may judge and consider it cheating based on their morals, values and beliefs.
    Cheating is more a Judeo/Christian stigma, many cultures and religions around the World do not consider infidelity cheating
    Cheating is a perspective, swingers do not consider sexual relations with others cheating, Mormons with multiple wives do not consider it cheating, many cultures have condoned multiple wives or husbands or sex partners.
    Now, don't wanna get too deep on that, I would just say if a couple is committed and the man or woman wants sex with another fwb and his/her partner does not allow that or know about it; it is terribly wrong especially if they don't practice safe sex and put their partners health and life at risk.
    Me, I don't judge and don't care about someone else's business if it doesn't affect me, I have had swinger relationships and committed relationships, threesomes, foursomes, many combinations and know and have known many people and couples in all kinds of sexual situations, different situations work for different people.
    Cheating can be defined many different ways, so this is a tough question to answer

    tenor.gif
  • your_future_ex_wife
    your_future_ex_wife Posts: 4,278 Member
    caco_ethes wrote: »
    CanesGalactica wrote: »
    your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
    I read the OP question as a simple why, and not why is it ok.

    But i find it abhorrent to say that cheating in a relationship is the worst thing. I can think of way worse. If you can’t then I guess I should be happy for you.

    to say that people can’t change is rigid and cruel.

    And I’m thinking about a man who bent and wrote with his finger on the ground.



    This.

    I've been cheated on and I've done the cheating. There are WAY worse things that can happen in a relationship that are 100% more damaging. And yes, that sadly comes from experience. More than once.

    Not that cheating isn't damaging on its own (because it is), but there are way worse outcomes out there that you don't come back from. Ever.

    I appreciate your posts in this thread.

    same
  • KosmosKitten
    KosmosKitten Posts: 10,476 Member
    ArmyVeteranM1A1C wrote: »
    So to answer the as far as "cheating" in a relationship, the simple answer is the "cheater" wants more than he/she has, right or wrong
    More complex answer would involve what the definition of cheating is, some men and women don't mind sharing so they do not consider it cheating, but other may judge and consider it cheating based on their morals, values and beliefs.
    Cheating is more a Judeo/Christian stigma, many cultures and religions around the World do not consider infidelity cheating
    Cheating is a perspective, swingers do not consider sexual relations with others cheating, Mormons with multiple wives do not consider it cheating, many cultures have condoned multiple wives or husbands or sex partners.
    Now, don't wanna get too deep on that, I would just say if a couple is committed and the man or woman wants sex with another fwb and his/her partner does not allow that or know about it; it is terribly wrong especially if they don't practice safe sex and put their partners health and life at risk.
    Me, I don't judge and don't care about someone else's business if it doesn't affect me, I have had swinger relationships and committed relationships, threesomes, foursomes, many combinations and know and have known many people and couples in all kinds of sexual situations, different situations work for different people.
    Cheating can be defined many different ways, so this is a tough question to answer

    Actually, the bolded is a good point. What I consider to be out of bounds for a relationship may not be the same for someone else, even my partner.

    That's why that whole "communication" thing becomes important and it seems like we either are losing our ability to effectively communicate those needs and desires or we were never taught how to in the first place. We being collective, not you/I specific.
  • your_future_ex_wife
    your_future_ex_wife Posts: 4,278 Member
    CanesGalactica wrote: »
    ArmyVeteranM1A1C wrote: »
    So to answer the as far as "cheating" in a relationship, the simple answer is the "cheater" wants more than he/she has, right or wrong
    More complex answer would involve what the definition of cheating is, some men and women don't mind sharing so they do not consider it cheating, but other may judge and consider it cheating based on their morals, values and beliefs.
    Cheating is more a Judeo/Christian stigma, many cultures and religions around the World do not consider infidelity cheating
    Cheating is a perspective, swingers do not consider sexual relations with others cheating, Mormons with multiple wives do not consider it cheating, many cultures have condoned multiple wives or husbands or sex partners.
    Now, don't wanna get too deep on that, I would just say if a couple is committed and the man or woman wants sex with another fwb and his/her partner does not allow that or know about it; it is terribly wrong especially if they don't practice safe sex and put their partners health and life at risk.
    Me, I don't judge and don't care about someone else's business if it doesn't affect me, I have had swinger relationships and committed relationships, threesomes, foursomes, many combinations and know and have known many people and couples in all kinds of sexual situations, different situations work for different people.
    Cheating can be defined many different ways, so this is a tough question to answer

    Actually, the bolded is a good point. What I consider to be out of bounds for a relationship may not be the same for someone else, even my partner.

    That's why that whole "communication" thing becomes important and it seems like we either are losing our ability to effectively communicate those needs and desires or we were never taught how to in the first place. We being collective, not you/I specific.

    i was never taught that skill. I’m learning fast though
  • isalsayourface123
    isalsayourface123 Posts: 2,153 Member
    CanesGalactica wrote: »
    caco_ethes wrote: »
    CanesGalactica wrote: »
    your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
    I read the OP question as a simple why, and not why is it ok.

    But i find it abhorrent to say that cheating in a relationship is the worst thing. I can think of way worse. If you can’t then I guess I should be happy for you.

    to say that people can’t change is rigid and cruel.

    And I’m thinking about a man who bent and wrote with his finger on the ground.



    This.

    I've been cheated on and I've done the cheating. There are WAY worse things that can happen in a relationship that are 100% more damaging. And yes, that sadly comes from experience. More than once.

    Not that cheating isn't damaging on its own (because it is), but there are way worse outcomes out there that you don't come back from. Ever.

    I appreciate your posts in this thread.

    Thanks. Having been on both sides of this debate has lent me some interesting perspectives. It's a lot easier these days to be neutral about it and see it from the psychological/sociological aspect as opposed to the emotional aspect.

    Keep in mind, not agreeing or disagreeing with the practice, mostly curious about human nature and asking these questions furthers my understanding (mostly).

    Yes. Agreed. Thank you for your insight.
  • ythannah
    ythannah Posts: 4,370 Member
    caco_ethes wrote: »
    - I thought what someone doesn’t know won’t hurt them

    That was one of my SO's reasons, along with being bored while I was at work all day and he was off work, and apparently because a couple of his coworkers were stressing him out.
  • michael1976_ca
    michael1976_ca Posts: 3,488 Member
    CoffeeAndContour wrote: »
    If only if were that cut and dry. People cheat for individual reasons and I won’t go to the extent to turn all cheaters into villains as I can’t possibly know their situations or their reasons. I cheated because I hadn’t emotionally separated myself from my ex at the time. I was immature and jumped into a relationship all too soon. I paid the price when I inevitably fell in love with this new person and had to admit to him what I had done. Seeing his hurt, mending the broken that I had done, having to earn his trust back, the countless hours where he’d want to talk about it and I’d see him break all over again, it’s no easy task. In the end I felt unworthy of his love, although grateful he had stuck by me. I suppose that’s the price to pay for crushing someone’s heart. But I loved him, deeply, and despite that old saying “once a cheater, always a cheater”, I knew I’d never cross that line again.

    you sound like my ex except in the end she dumped me for a friends ex. so you are wiser then her because you stayed. my ex destroyed me back then one she cheated with an old flame and promised not to do it again. everything in me said pack your bags and get out of there. but i stayed well i stayed baby sat her kids well she hit the clubs with her girlfriends. she met a friends ex they hooked up. she dumped me just before valentines day well my mom was in the hospital fighting for her life. so yeah once a cheat always a cheat. i should of leaft it would of saved me of what did i do wrong.. but in your case you are a reformed cheat can you do it again yes but will you only you will know
  • Pandemonium_
    Pandemonium_ Posts: 945 Member
    The reasons are individual, and as numerous as there are people. Every situation is different, and I don't believe in generalizations that once someone does it, always do it, etc. I also agree open marriage is a completely different thing. I can only speak from my own experience as the cheater. I had reasons, reasons I felt were good reasons. The problem was how I handled it, instead of being forthright and ending things like I should have. I've learned from it, and it has led me to handle myself differently, to be fair to the other person.
  • slessofme
    slessofme Posts: 7,740 Member
    edited September 2019
    My ex decided I was cheating because we were no longer intimate, even though I had shared my frustrations with our incompatibility in that aspect of our relationship and we couldn't find a solution. I didnt cheat because I respected him enough to remain within the boundaries we had agreed to early in our relationship. He may have cheated using his assumptions of my behavior as justification. I never actually confirmed that he was cheating (nor did I try very hard to do so) but if he was - it was because he wasnt getting something he needed and he dealt with it in a different way than I did. Where I shut down, he reached out to someone else.

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