WHY do people CHEAT?
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CanesGalactica wrote: »ArmyVeteranM1A1C wrote: »So to answer the as far as "cheating" in a relationship, the simple answer is the "cheater" wants more than he/she has, right or wrong
More complex answer would involve what the definition of cheating is, some men and women don't mind sharing so they do not consider it cheating, but other may judge and consider it cheating based on their morals, values and beliefs.
Cheating is more a Judeo/Christian stigma, many cultures and religions around the World do not consider infidelity cheating
Cheating is a perspective, swingers do not consider sexual relations with others cheating, Mormons with multiple wives do not consider it cheating, many cultures have condoned multiple wives or husbands or sex partners.
Now, don't wanna get too deep on that, I would just say if a couple is committed and the man or woman wants sex with another fwb and his/her partner does not allow that or know about it; it is terribly wrong especially if they don't practice safe sex and put their partners health and life at risk.
Me, I don't judge and don't care about someone else's business if it doesn't affect me, I have had swinger relationships and committed relationships, threesomes, foursomes, many combinations and know and have known many people and couples in all kinds of sexual situations, different situations work for different people.
Cheating can be defined many different ways, so this is a tough question to answer
Actually, the bolded is a good point. What I consider to be out of bounds for a relationship may not be the same for someone else, even my partner.
That's why that whole "communication" thing becomes important and it seems like we either are losing our ability to effectively communicate those needs and desires or we were never taught how to in the first place. We being collective, not you/I specific.
i was never taught that skill. I’m learning fast though2 -
CanesGalactica wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »I read the OP question as a simple why, and not why is it ok.
But i find it abhorrent to say that cheating in a relationship is the worst thing. I can think of way worse. If you can’t then I guess I should be happy for you.
to say that people can’t change is rigid and cruel.
And I’m thinking about a man who bent and wrote with his finger on the ground.
This.
I've been cheated on and I've done the cheating. There are WAY worse things that can happen in a relationship that are 100% more damaging. And yes, that sadly comes from experience. More than once.
Not that cheating isn't damaging on its own (because it is), but there are way worse outcomes out there that you don't come back from. Ever.
I appreciate your posts in this thread.
Thanks. Having been on both sides of this debate has lent me some interesting perspectives. It's a lot easier these days to be neutral about it and see it from the psychological/sociological aspect as opposed to the emotional aspect.
Keep in mind, not agreeing or disagreeing with the practice, mostly curious about human nature and asking these questions furthers my understanding (mostly).
Yes. Agreed. Thank you for your insight.1 -
caco_ethes wrote: »- I thought what someone doesn’t know won’t hurt them
That was one of my SO's reasons, along with being bored while I was at work all day and he was off work, and apparently because a couple of his coworkers were stressing him out.3 -
People cheat for a variety of reasons, each based on their own life circumstances. They’re usually trying to fill some hole in their life (pun definitely intended). Don’t judge the person until you’ve had a chance to walk in their place for a while.5
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This is an interesting thread; after all, MFP is the land of exchanging KIK usernames, complaining about your spouse on your wall, posting risqué photos despite being married, extreme thirst, and all sorts of other forms of cheating or pseudo-cheating.10
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Some people stay in relationships and or marriages, because they’re afraid of the well-being of their partner, if they left. I’m only saying this from me being with my partner for almost 10yr. My spouse doesn’t want to split up. I’ve shared I’m having desires for other men and he still thinks we are repairable. The truth is, if one is capable of cheating and or has thoughts they should be single. The right person, your mind wouldn’t wander. There’s not a good reason. The person cheating shouldn’t be in a committed relationship.5
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CoffeeAndContour wrote: »If only if were that cut and dry. People cheat for individual reasons and I won’t go to the extent to turn all cheaters into villains as I can’t possibly know their situations or their reasons. I cheated because I hadn’t emotionally separated myself from my ex at the time. I was immature and jumped into a relationship all too soon. I paid the price when I inevitably fell in love with this new person and had to admit to him what I had done. Seeing his hurt, mending the broken that I had done, having to earn his trust back, the countless hours where he’d want to talk about it and I’d see him break all over again, it’s no easy task. In the end I felt unworthy of his love, although grateful he had stuck by me. I suppose that’s the price to pay for crushing someone’s heart. But I loved him, deeply, and despite that old saying “once a cheater, always a cheater”, I knew I’d never cross that line again.
you sound like my ex except in the end she dumped me for a friends ex. so you are wiser then her because you stayed. my ex destroyed me back then one she cheated with an old flame and promised not to do it again. everything in me said pack your bags and get out of there. but i stayed well i stayed baby sat her kids well she hit the clubs with her girlfriends. she met a friends ex they hooked up. she dumped me just before valentines day well my mom was in the hospital fighting for her life. so yeah once a cheat always a cheat. i should of leaft it would of saved me of what did i do wrong.. but in your case you are a reformed cheat can you do it again yes but will you only you will know4 -
The reasons are individual, and as numerous as there are people. Every situation is different, and I don't believe in generalizations that once someone does it, always do it, etc. I also agree open marriage is a completely different thing. I can only speak from my own experience as the cheater. I had reasons, reasons I felt were good reasons. The problem was how I handled it, instead of being forthright and ending things like I should have. I've learned from it, and it has led me to handle myself differently, to be fair to the other person.3
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My ex decided I was cheating because we were no longer intimate, even though I had shared my frustrations with our incompatibility in that aspect of our relationship and we couldn't find a solution. I didnt cheat because I respected him enough to remain within the boundaries we had agreed to early in our relationship. He may have cheated using his assumptions of my behavior as justification. I never actually confirmed that he was cheating (nor did I try very hard to do so) but if he was - it was because he wasnt getting something he needed and he dealt with it in a different way than I did. Where I shut down, he reached out to someone else.4
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This raises a question ive mentioned before in a similar thread involving a personal experience. Many years ago i was in a relationship with a girl that i enjoyed being with and liked, but i cheated on a few times. Now i know this is a piece of *kitten* thing to do, but i was young, not very mature, and had very little willpower against the options posed to me. She never knew of my cheating. When we were together everything seemed as it should and we were seemingly happy. Well, as relationships often do, we ended up breaking up amicably. She was hurt, but just because of a relationship ending, she still had no idea i had cheated. She had since moved on to a great life with marriage, kids and a good career. She had always maintained that we had a good relationship too bad we just didnt work out.
Now, i often wondered what good it would do to ruin her false perception of our relationship by telling her the truth of my cheating years after we broke up? It was argued by some that i am a coward and a bad guy not to tell her. I always thought either she wouldnt care all these years later, or worse, she would feel stupid and foolish. So it was my belief that why bring bad emotion to someone that doesnt deserve it just to unburden my own guilt. To tell her now, would mean very little to me. It may mean very little to her, but it could also hurt her now over something that doesnt need to be.
Anyway, i just brought it up because it was talked about a while back on here and seemed kind of relevant to the thread.9 -
I just have to say that so far, I am impressed with the maturity of the folks discussing this topic. Infidelity is a huge trigger for a lot of people and it is hard for those who have committed to it (at some point) to come forward and face judgment (in the form of disagrees, :laugh: ).
But so far, no one is screaming, throwing objects or flagging every other post they disagree with. Way to go, Chit-Chat. I'm proud of y'all.
Even you disagree-ers.5 -
A clinical psychologist could take these 5 pages of this thread and write a great paper based on peoples experiences. The comments are fascinating to me. Really good honest stuff here.1
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A clinical psychologist could take these 5 pages of this thread and write a great paper based on peoples experiences. The comments are fascinating to me. Really good honest stuff here.
basically it is CHEATERS making excuses for themselves and getting upset at those that consider them "pond scum"
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I'm sure there's a million reasons why people cheat (none of them ok) but hey avoid being in a relationship and it's a non-issue4
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nighthawk584 wrote: »A clinical psychologist could take these 5 pages of this thread and write a great paper based on peoples experiences. The comments are fascinating to me. Really good honest stuff here.
basically it is CHEATERS making excuses for themselves and getting upset at those that consider them "pond scum"
You’re adorable. Give your wife my best12 -
CanesGalactica wrote: »I just have to say that so far, I am impressed with the maturity of the folks discussing this topic. Infidelity is a huge trigger for a lot of people and it is hard for those who have committed to it (at some point) to come forward and face judgment (in the form of disagrees, :laugh: ).
I do understand that. And that type of deceit is definitely wrong, imo. My personal experiences though? As the "cheater" in some of the situations, it was never about not loving or respecting the other person. A lot of times, it was because boundaries were never set, discussed or even broached or because I was pushed out (for whatever reason).. or in the case of one person, it was because he accused me of cheating (in which I hadn't), was possessive, went through my emails to cherry-pick what he wanted and then ended up being the one to cheat, leave me and move to another state on a whim.. all of this after he threw me through a window, used acid on my back (to clean hair dye stains) and sodomized me *in front of* his children.
It also probably doesn't help that I don't see respect as something that involves my body. What I do with myself is my decision and is up to me and does not involve a secondary party. Some people, when they get in relationships, seem to take that as a carte blanche that they "own" my body, mind and soul simply because we're together. That is an emphatic NO from me. And I get that that is contentious for people. But my level of respect for a person or my love for that matter has absolutely NOTHING to do with my body... and honestly, to treat me (or another) as a possession simply because we're intimate is ANYTHING but respectful to me.
But again, this is my opinion and I get that it might be considered skewed.12 -
Finishiitnow wrote: »According to an article I just read...
We cheat to feel alive and to expand our sense of self desire....your thoughts???!!
That seems extreme to me but I do cheat all the time. I have the Contra cheat codes memorized for life.
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