WHY do people CHEAT?

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  • 777Gemma888
    777Gemma888 Posts: 9,578 Member
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    gcibsthom wrote: »
    Sometimes people cheat because the two people in a relationship have different levels of sexual desire. You might have one spouse with a huge sex drive and the other wants no sex at all. And in some cultures this is expected and the spouse with the huge drive takes a "minor spouse", keeping the marriage intact.

    I had watched a BBC documentary showing this exact thing. Women would take other men ( usually younger men with no assets) to fill in for seasons when their husbands were crossing the mara with cattle.

  • 777Gemma888
    777Gemma888 Posts: 9,578 Member
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    k8eekins wrote: »
    ythannah wrote: »
    k8eekins wrote: »
    cicidawn2011 wrote: »
    Because we are not a pair-bonding species. If you look at divorce rates, or even better, the prevalence of cheating, it becomes very clear we may not be cut out for life long commitment to one person. Just hear me out, If half of all married couples divorce, do you say half of all married couples are defective, or that maybe marriage is a defect. Just food for thought, maybe its not people thats the problem, maybe it the expectations of people.

    Reading your post has me thinking: Of the 1/2 of all who married and are now divorcees, what percentage were circumstantial marital unions, what percentage were love marriages and which percentage were that of arranged marriages?

    Some marriages, if asymptomatic, go unnoticed until boom.

    I believe the 50% divorce statistic is North American so far fewer arranged marriages. And I think those cultures where arranged marriages are common are less tolerant of divorce.

    I seem to recall that it isn't 50% of first marriages that end in divorce because the higher failure rate of second and subsequent marriages drives the rate up. More than half of first marriages survive (not sure of the duration measured though). Your odds get worse with multiple marriages though.

    I remember this too, however, when looking at that spotlit 50% failure rate, what's worrying to me is, how some have observed that of the total number of failed marriages of North America, subsequent marriages included, love marriages are more at risk for failure when compared to the moderne arranged marital unions within our borders.

    Likely in LUST marriages. Once it fizzles ... Eesh!
  • your_future_ex_wife
    your_future_ex_wife Posts: 4,278 Member
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    Many people say it’s better to leave a relationship than to cheat - To leave before it happens. It’s a relatively new idea that divorce is preferable to cheating. I’m not offering an opinion here one way or another because I haven’t formed one yet. And I’m not sure I’d share my personal beliefs on the subject even if I had.

    Here is an interesting article. It touches on a few related points. If anyone reads more than 280 characters anymore, it’s got some food for thought.
    https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/oct/13/a-strong-libido-and-bored-by-monogamy-the-truth-about-women-and-sex
  • Finishiitnow
    Finishiitnow Posts: 896 Member
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    your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
    Many people say it’s better to leave a relationship than to cheat - To leave before it happens. It’s a relatively new idea that divorce is preferable to cheating. I’m not offering an opinion here one way or another because I haven’t formed one yet. And I’m not sure I’d share my personal beliefs on the subject even if I had.

    Here is an interesting article. It touches on a few related points. If anyone reads more than 280 characters anymore, it’s got some food for thought.
    https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/oct/13/a-strong-libido-and-bored-by-monogamy-the-truth-about-women-and-sex

    Very interesting!!!
  • your_future_ex_wife
    your_future_ex_wife Posts: 4,278 Member
    edited October 2019
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    melissawill2017 wrote: »
    I think the main reason is that people just change. We as humans are constantly evolving; we’re not the same people in our 20s as 30s, etc... With that- people often grow apart, but due to life circumstances they stay together. Not for love but for convenience. Life happens, work happens, stress happens, & sex gets put on the back burner, communication breaks down..

    As humans we are wired to be sexual, crave a connection, the desire to be wanted/needed. When our emotional or sexual needs aren’t being met then we branch out to fill that void.

    I don’t disagree but for me this seems more of an answer to why relationships end rather than why people cheat. There are reasons when a person chooses one option over another.

    So why does one person end the relationship,

    another person introduces new practices into the existing relationship,

    another might try to improve communication,

    still another might propose honest non-monogamy,

    and others cheat?

    They are all options that might be satisfying and most preserve the relationship. So why one over another?

    ETA: and others just suffer silently till the end of their days

  • MrAcavano
    MrAcavano Posts: 198 Member
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    CanesGalactica wrote: »
    accavallo wrote: »
    I’m curious how many friend requests the women who mentioned open marriage got when they hit “post reply.” Lol. Cheating is ultimately an argument about honesty not sexual ethics. Unless of course you’re not honest about your sexual ethics.

    Honestly, I have a feeling I'll lose friends because I'm choosing to be open and honest about my experiences, especially because others in this thread have been hurt and they see "my type" as scum.

    Their opinions and they are perfectly allowed to have them, I just have a feeling I'll get less friends requests and more deletes than anything, but ah well.

    Well you’re getting a friend request from me. Not because of open marriage. I’m certainly not in one but because you hit upon something important and insightful. We’re all on a journey to become our most genuine honest self. It is the only true purpose in life and the only “mistakes” we make are when we don’t tell the truth ( to ourselves and other). You sir (or mam, I don’t know know your gender) are further along on this journey than most and it’s admirable. :)
  • your_future_ex_wife
    your_future_ex_wife Posts: 4,278 Member
    edited October 2019
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    Keep_on_cardio wrote: »
    your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
    Many people say it’s better to leave a relationship than to cheat - To leave before it happens. It’s a relatively new idea that divorce is preferable to cheating. I’m not offering an opinion here one way or another because I haven’t formed one yet. And I’m not sure I’d share my personal beliefs on the subject even if I had.

    Here is an interesting article. It touches on a few related points. If anyone reads more than 280 characters anymore, it’s got some food for thought.
    https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/oct/13/a-strong-libido-and-bored-by-monogamy-the-truth-about-women-and-sex

    There’s a wife bonus?!!! 😑 (blank face to Ms. Wednesday), and I don’t agree with her thoughts that a vibrator will help women stay. If a woman relies on a vibrator and isn’t getting that need met by her husband, that’s a crappy sex life.

    The loss of sex drive, from man or woman could highly stem from other failings in the marriage. The unfortunate part to losing sexual desire, it makes you feel that there’s something wrong with your hormones. When indeed the marriage or relationship has so many issues, you lost desire for your person.

    Then what happens? You think something is wrong with you (now I’m speaking from personal experience). When I have found myself more in the mood, in a conversation and haven’t been touched, you realize the relationship/marriage just may be too far gone. The key is being honest about that, the hard part is if your partner still believes it’s fixable and only hearing, what you need. They will not accept, you sharing that there’s nothing more they can do to save the relationship.

    Yeah, I absolutely think there are so many variables and like pieces of a puzzle, they fit together in complicated ways. Teasing out what’s a sexual problem and what’s something else is darn near impossible sometimes.
  • your_future_ex_wife
    your_future_ex_wife Posts: 4,278 Member
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    Keep_on_cardio wrote: »
    your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
    Many people say it’s better to leave a relationship than to cheat - To leave before it happens. It’s a relatively new idea that divorce is preferable to cheating. I’m not offering an opinion here one way or another because I haven’t formed one yet. And I’m not sure I’d share my personal beliefs on the subject even if I had.

    Here is an interesting article. It touches on a few related points. If anyone reads more than 280 characters anymore, it’s got some food for thought.
    https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/oct/13/a-strong-libido-and-bored-by-monogamy-the-truth-about-women-and-sex

    There’s a wife bonus?!!! 😑 (blank face to Ms. Wednesday), and I don’t agree with her thoughts that a vibrator will help women stay. If a woman relies on a vibrator and isn’t getting that need met by her husband, that’s a crappy sex life.

    The loss of sex drive, from man or woman could highly stem from other failings in the marriage. The unfortunate part to losing sexual desire, it makes you feel that there’s something wrong with your hormones. When indeed the marriage or relationship has so many issues, you lost desire for your person.

    Then what happens? You think something is wrong with you (now I’m speaking from personal experience). When I have found myself more in the mood, in a conversation and haven’t been touched, you realize the relationship/marriage just may be too far gone. The key is being honest about that, the hard part is if your partner still believes it’s fixable and only hearing, what you need. They will not accept, you sharing that there’s nothing more they can do to save the relationship.

    the wife bonus was about a certain kind of subculture on the upper west side of manhattan. it’s complicated 😂
  • Keep_on_cardio
    Keep_on_cardio Posts: 4,166 Member
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    your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
    Keep_on_cardio wrote: »
    your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
    Many people say it’s better to leave a relationship than to cheat - To leave before it happens. It’s a relatively new idea that divorce is preferable to cheating. I’m not offering an opinion here one way or another because I haven’t formed one yet. And I’m not sure I’d share my personal beliefs on the subject even if I had.

    Here is an interesting article. It touches on a few related points. If anyone reads more than 280 characters anymore, it’s got some food for thought.
    https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/oct/13/a-strong-libido-and-bored-by-monogamy-the-truth-about-women-and-sex

    There’s a wife bonus?!!! 😑 (blank face to Ms. Wednesday), and I don’t agree with her thoughts that a vibrator will help women stay. If a woman relies on a vibrator and isn’t getting that need met by her husband, that’s a crappy sex life.

    The loss of sex drive, from man or woman could highly stem from other failings in the marriage. The unfortunate part to losing sexual desire, it makes you feel that there’s something wrong with your hormones. When indeed the marriage or relationship has so many issues, you lost desire for your person.

    Then what happens? You think something is wrong with you (now I’m speaking from personal experience). When I have found myself more in the mood, in a conversation and haven’t been touched, you realize the relationship/marriage just may be too far gone. The key is being honest about that, the hard part is if your partner still believes it’s fixable and only hearing, what you need. They will not accept, you sharing that there’s nothing more they can do to save the relationship.

    the wife bonus was about a certain kind of subculture on the upper west side of manhattan. it’s complicated 😂

    🤣🤣🤣 now it’s more funny
  • Derpes
    Derpes Posts: 2,033 Member
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    your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
    Many people say it’s better to leave a relationship than to cheat - To leave before it happens. It’s a relatively new idea that divorce is preferable to cheating. I’m not offering an opinion here one way or another because I haven’t formed one yet. And I’m not sure I’d share my personal beliefs on the subject even if I had.

    Here is an interesting article. It touches on a few related points. If anyone reads more than 280 characters anymore, it’s got some food for thought.
    https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/oct/13/a-strong-libido-and-bored-by-monogamy-the-truth-about-women-and-sex



    The following excerpt from the article is unsettling:


    "Another element in the mix, she says, was the finding that a third of women who are having an extramarital relationship say their marriage or long-term partnership is happy or very happy. “So we need to understand that women aren’t just seeking variety because they’re unhappy, they’re seeking it because they need variety and novelty,” she says."


  • Derpes
    Derpes Posts: 2,033 Member
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    sr2587 wrote: »
    I was cheated on and didn’t find out until a few years later... I did my best to forgive, but I think the hurt will always be there. Not sure why she did it but she placed a lot of blame on me, and I think I carry that around still...☹️. It truly sucks!

    Infidelity and psychological abuse are not cool. Get out while you can!
  • your_future_ex_wife
    your_future_ex_wife Posts: 4,278 Member
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    Derpes wrote: »
    your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
    Many people say it’s better to leave a relationship than to cheat - To leave before it happens. It’s a relatively new idea that divorce is preferable to cheating. I’m not offering an opinion here one way or another because I haven’t formed one yet. And I’m not sure I’d share my personal beliefs on the subject even if I had.

    Here is an interesting article. It touches on a few related points. If anyone reads more than 280 characters anymore, it’s got some food for thought.
    https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/oct/13/a-strong-libido-and-bored-by-monogamy-the-truth-about-women-and-sex



    The following excerpt from the article is unsettling:


    "Another element in the mix, she says, was the finding that a third of women who are having an extramarital relationship say their marriage or long-term partnership is happy or very happy. “So we need to understand that women aren’t just seeking variety because they’re unhappy, they’re seeking it because they need variety and novelty,” she says."


    how so?
  • Keep_on_cardio
    Keep_on_cardio Posts: 4,166 Member
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    Derpes wrote: »
    your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
    Many people say it’s better to leave a relationship than to cheat - To leave before it happens. It’s a relatively new idea that divorce is preferable to cheating. I’m not offering an opinion here one way or another because I haven’t formed one yet. And I’m not sure I’d share my personal beliefs on the subject even if I had.

    Here is an interesting article. It touches on a few related points. If anyone reads more than 280 characters anymore, it’s got some food for thought.
    https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/oct/13/a-strong-libido-and-bored-by-monogamy-the-truth-about-women-and-sex



    The following excerpt from the article is unsettling:


    "Another element in the mix, she says, was the finding that a third of women who are having an extramarital relationship say their marriage or long-term partnership is happy or very happy. “So we need to understand that women aren’t just seeking variety because they’re unhappy, they’re seeking it because they need variety and novelty,” she says."


    If it works for some parties, that’s their business.

    I personally have been cheated on and have cheated. I couldn’t have a third party, with a person I want a relationship with. I do like the thought of finding what I need, in one person. I’d remain single and mingle where I want to mingle, before that person arrives.
  • Derpes
    Derpes Posts: 2,033 Member
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    your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
    Derpes wrote: »
    your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
    Many people say it’s better to leave a relationship than to cheat - To leave before it happens. It’s a relatively new idea that divorce is preferable to cheating. I’m not offering an opinion here one way or another because I haven’t formed one yet. And I’m not sure I’d share my personal beliefs on the subject even if I had.

    Here is an interesting article. It touches on a few related points. If anyone reads more than 280 characters anymore, it’s got some food for thought.
    https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/oct/13/a-strong-libido-and-bored-by-monogamy-the-truth-about-women-and-sex



    The following excerpt from the article is unsettling:


    "Another element in the mix, she says, was the finding that a third of women who are having an extramarital relationship say their marriage or long-term partnership is happy or very happy. “So we need to understand that women aren’t just seeking variety because they’re unhappy, they’re seeking it because they need variety and novelty,” she says."


    how so?


    I should have provided context.

    We usually think of the road to infidelity in terms of unmet needs, unhappiness, or worse. In this case, things are going well and the marriage is "happy", yet infidelity still occurs. In short, it is the opposite of what is expected.

  • your_future_ex_wife
    your_future_ex_wife Posts: 4,278 Member
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    Derpes wrote: »
    your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
    Derpes wrote: »
    your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
    Many people say it’s better to leave a relationship than to cheat - To leave before it happens. It’s a relatively new idea that divorce is preferable to cheating. I’m not offering an opinion here one way or another because I haven’t formed one yet. And I’m not sure I’d share my personal beliefs on the subject even if I had.

    Here is an interesting article. It touches on a few related points. If anyone reads more than 280 characters anymore, it’s got some food for thought.
    https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/oct/13/a-strong-libido-and-bored-by-monogamy-the-truth-about-women-and-sex



    The following excerpt from the article is unsettling:


    "Another element in the mix, she says, was the finding that a third of women who are having an extramarital relationship say their marriage or long-term partnership is happy or very happy. “So we need to understand that women aren’t just seeking variety because they’re unhappy, they’re seeking it because they need variety and novelty,” she says."


    how so?


    I should have provided context.

    We usually think of the road to infidelity in terms of unmet needs, unhappiness, or worse. In this case, things are going well and the marriage is "happy", yet infidelity still occurs. In short, it is the opposite of what is expected.
    ok, i see what you mean. i interpreted that excerpt to mean happy with everything except the lack of variety. I don’t know if I’m right about that though.

    I do think however, that the author of the book seems to be saying that it is possible for some people to meet the need for novelty and variety within the boundaries of a faithful, monogamous relationship.
  • Derpes
    Derpes Posts: 2,033 Member
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    your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
    Derpes wrote: »
    your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
    Derpes wrote: »
    your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
    Many people say it’s better to leave a relationship than to cheat - To leave before it happens. It’s a relatively new idea that divorce is preferable to cheating. I’m not offering an opinion here one way or another because I haven’t formed one yet. And I’m not sure I’d share my personal beliefs on the subject even if I had.

    Here is an interesting article. It touches on a few related points. If anyone reads more than 280 characters anymore, it’s got some food for thought.
    https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/oct/13/a-strong-libido-and-bored-by-monogamy-the-truth-about-women-and-sex



    The following excerpt from the article is unsettling:


    "Another element in the mix, she says, was the finding that a third of women who are having an extramarital relationship say their marriage or long-term partnership is happy or very happy. “So we need to understand that women aren’t just seeking variety because they’re unhappy, they’re seeking it because they need variety and novelty,” she says."


    how so?


    I should have provided context.

    We usually think of the road to infidelity in terms of unmet needs, unhappiness, or worse. In this case, things are going well and the marriage is "happy", yet infidelity still occurs. In short, it is the opposite of what is expected.
    ok, i see what you mean. i interpreted that excerpt to mean happy with everything except the lack of variety. I don’t know if I’m right about that though.

    I do think however, that the author of the book seems to be saying that it is possible for some people to meet the need for novelty and variety within the boundaries of a faithful, monogamous relationship.

    Makes sense, and it okay if all parties are consenting and aware.

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