WHY do people CHEAT?
Replies
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4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »... why does it feel like there's still more shame/stigma (even in this thread) against women who engage in extramarital affairs, than men who do? If one is wrong, then both are equally wrong, yes? So why do women get more flak for being sexually aggressive and/or pursuant in their desires?
Seems kinda... double standard-ish.
I'm not sure I agree with this, it seems like guys who cheat are just "self centered *kitten* players", women who cheat are "looking for something the relationship is lacking".
See, I don't agree with that. Men are complex creatures, too. They have needs, wants, desires. We may be biologically different, but I think our innate humanness is essentially the same, regardless of the gender.
I didn't mean to imply that as fact, or my opinion, just my impression of the stereotype
Gotcha. I might have misread. :laugh:0 -
CanesGalactica wrote: »4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »... why does it feel like there's still more shame/stigma (even in this thread) against women who engage in extramarital affairs, than men who do? If one is wrong, then both are equally wrong, yes? So why do women get more flak for being sexually aggressive and/or pursuant in their desires?
Seems kinda... double standard-ish.
I'm not sure I agree with this, it seems like guys who cheat are just "self centered *kitten* players", women who cheat are "looking for something the relationship is lacking".
See, I don't agree with that. Men are complex creatures, too. They have needs, wants, desires. We may be biologically different, but I think our innate humanness is essentially the same, regardless of the gender.
I didn't mean to imply that as fact, or my opinion, just my impression of the stereotype
Gotcha. I might have misread. :laugh:
I kind of want to hit 'disagree' on all of your posts since you had mentioned it. It's like a giant, red, candy-like button. . .
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CanesGalactica wrote: »4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »... why does it feel like there's still more shame/stigma (even in this thread) against women who engage in extramarital affairs, than men who do? If one is wrong, then both are equally wrong, yes? So why do women get more flak for being sexually aggressive and/or pursuant in their desires?
Seems kinda... double standard-ish.
I'm not sure I agree with this, it seems like guys who cheat are just "self centered *kitten* players", women who cheat are "looking for something the relationship is lacking".
See, I don't agree with that. Men are complex creatures, too. They have needs, wants, desires. We may be biologically different, but I think our innate humanness is essentially the same, regardless of the gender.
I didn't mean to imply that as fact, or my opinion, just my impression of the stereotype
Gotcha. I might have misread. :laugh:
I kind of want to hit 'disagree' on all of your posts since you had mentioned it. It's like a giant, red, candy-like button. . .
That's okay. I'm counting up and accumulating disagrees to see how many I can get in one thread for my opinions. :laugh: I'm currently at... 25 for this thread alone. Gotta try harder.1 -
CanesGalactica wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »... why does it feel like there's still more shame/stigma (even in this thread) against women who engage in extramarital affairs, than men who do? If one is wrong, then both are equally wrong, yes? So why do women get more flak for being sexually aggressive and/or pursuant in their desires?
Seems kinda... double standard-ish.
I'm not sure I agree with this, it seems like guys who cheat are just "self centered *kitten* players", women who cheat are "looking for something the relationship is lacking".
See, I don't agree with that. Men are complex creatures, too. They have needs, wants, desires. We may be biologically different, but I think our innate humanness is essentially the same, regardless of the gender.
I didn't mean to imply that as fact, or my opinion, just my impression of the stereotype
Gotcha. I might have misread. :laugh:
I kind of want to hit 'disagree' on all of your posts since you had mentioned it. It's like a giant, red, candy-like button. . .
That's okay. I'm counting up and accumulating disagrees to see how many I can get in one thread for my opinions. :laugh: I'm currently at... 25 for this thread alone. Gotta try harder.
You might have friend requests from s131952, s131953, s131954, s131955 . . . s131998 and so forth soon
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CanesGalactica wrote: »
I don't think that one side gets more flak, it's more an issue of how much more easier it is for a woman to cheat via apps. Men can try to cheat on apps too, but it's a hell of a lot more difficult, and that now looks like a fact nowadays.CanesGalactica wrote: »... why does it feel like there's still more shame/stigma (even in this thread) against women who engage in extramarital affairs, than men who do? If one is wrong, then both are equally wrong, yes? So why do women get more flak for being sexually aggressive and/or pursuant in their desires?
Seems kinda... double standard-ish.
Why would it be more easy for women to cheat on say Tinder than it would be for a man? You're both still using the app to get what you want. It doesn't exist anymore (I think), but Ashley Madison used to be predominantly used by men looking for extramarital affairs and it was quite successful at what its job was.
It's all because of the dynamic. In human sociology as we know it, men generally seek out/approach the women, and women do not tend to chase men - some women are even repulsed by the idea of chasing or approaching a man. Then with growing users on these apps, it ends up looking like 200 men focusing on one female profile. This is the bizarre reality of it and this is in essence why it's easier - a women just has to dissect all the profiles, and a man goes unnoticed or ignored because of the large volume of "creeps" she already had to deal with.
Okay, I see where you're coming from. The sociological aspect as opposed to a technological one.
It does not help that women (at least in most Western societies) are taught that chasing after men is beneath them and that a man should "work for" his desire to be with a woman. We are also shamed for being the aggressors as though that somehow makes us "less than" or "easy".
And most of us have had this ingrained into us since we were very young without even realizing it.
I have never used Tinder or a dating app/website of any sort, so I am unsure of their algorithms or mechanics. You're just reinforcing my desire to never use them, though. :laugh:4 -
CanesGalactica wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »... why does it feel like there's still more shame/stigma (even in this thread) against women who engage in extramarital affairs, than men who do? If one is wrong, then both are equally wrong, yes? So why do women get more flak for being sexually aggressive and/or pursuant in their desires?
Seems kinda... double standard-ish.
I'm not sure I agree with this, it seems like guys who cheat are just "self centered *kitten* players", women who cheat are "looking for something the relationship is lacking".
See, I don't agree with that. Men are complex creatures, too. They have needs, wants, desires. We may be biologically different, but I think our innate humanness is essentially the same, regardless of the gender.
I didn't mean to imply that as fact, or my opinion, just my impression of the stereotype
Gotcha. I might have misread. :laugh:
I kind of want to hit 'disagree' on all of your posts since you had mentioned it. It's like a giant, red, candy-like button. . .
That's okay. I'm counting up and accumulating disagrees to see how many I can get in one thread for my opinions. :laugh: I'm currently at... 25 for this thread alone. Gotta try harder.
You might have friend requests from s131952, s131953, s131954, s131955 . . . s131998 and so forth soon
Sweet. :laugh:0 -
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been catching up on this thread. pairs really well with this song imho
https://youtu.be/tdsJI8Wc2D4
anyhow i think the next derivative thread should be "when was the last time something was your fault (real answers only!)"5 -
I was cheated on and I believe 100% that it was a communication issue. When he told me what he needed, I thought he was a whiney child. He wasn't, I was just selfish and couldn't be bothered with what I considered neediness. That wasn't fair of me, and since I wasn't fulfilling his needs he cheated. He really should have said if you can't be the person I need we should split. Instead, he slept with a 20-year-old when he was 35ish. Now he's on his 4th marriage and has cheated on the first 3 and I can only assume will or has with the 4th. I think it's almost always communication issues.
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Motorsheen wrote: »
This is an interesting perspective on Maslow's hierarchy of needs and I am here for it
Stupid Ole' Maslow can order his own pizza.3 -
Motorsheen wrote: »Motorsheen wrote: »
This is an interesting perspective on Maslow's hierarchy of needs and I am here for it
Stupid Ole' Maslow can order his own pizza.
Maybe if he ate more pizza he wouldn't have felt the need to make whiny pyramids2 -
Motorsheen wrote: »Motorsheen wrote: »
This is an interesting perspective on Maslow's hierarchy of needs and I am here for it
Stupid Ole' Maslow can order his own pizza.
Maybe if he ate more pizza he wouldn't have felt the need to make whiny pyramids
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Finishiitnow wrote: »
As have I. One woman in particular whose cheating became common knowledge because she was very indiscreet about it, with both her first and second marriages. I think that having the entire workplace knowing about her behaviour may have been part of the thrill.
It got to the point where coworkers felt so badly for her second husband they would plead with her to just end the marriage instead of making a fool out of him. She would just laugh and tell them, "I'm going to eat my cake and have it too".3 -
Motorsheen wrote: »Motorsheen wrote: »Motorsheen wrote: »
This is an interesting perspective on Maslow's hierarchy of needs and I am here for it
Stupid Ole' Maslow can order his own pizza.
Maybe if he ate more pizza he wouldn't have felt the need to make whiny pyramids
Same thing but better0 -
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for some men that’s a thing they likeFinishiitnow wrote: »
As have I. One woman in particular whose cheating became common knowledge because she was very indiscreet about it, with both her first and second marriages. I think that having the entire workplace knowing about her behaviour may have been part of the thrill.
It got to the point where coworkers felt so badly for her second husband they would plead with her to just end the marriage instead of making a fool out of him. She would just laugh and tell them, "I'm going to eat my cake and have it too".
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Finishiitnow wrote: »
As have I. One woman in particular whose cheating became common knowledge because she was very indiscreet about it, with both her first and second marriages. I think that having the entire workplace knowing about her behaviour may have been part of the thrill.
It got to the point where coworkers felt so badly for her second husband they would plead with her to just end the marriage instead of making a fool out of him. She would just laugh and tell them, "I'm going to eat my cake and have it too".
are they hiring ??1 -
your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
for some men that’s a thing they likeFinishiitnow wrote: »
As have I. One woman in particular whose cheating became common knowledge because she was very indiscreet about it, with both her first and second marriages. I think that having the entire workplace knowing about her behaviour may have been part of the thrill.
It got to the point where coworkers felt so badly for her second husband they would plead with her to just end the marriage instead of making a fool out of him. She would just laugh and tell them, "I'm going to eat my cake and have it too".
Do you mean a cuckold fantasy/fetish?2 -
your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
for some men that’s a thing they likeFinishiitnow wrote: »
As have I. One woman in particular whose cheating became common knowledge because she was very indiscreet about it, with both her first and second marriages. I think that having the entire workplace knowing about her behaviour may have been part of the thrill.
It got to the point where coworkers felt so badly for her second husband they would plead with her to just end the marriage instead of making a fool out of him. She would just laugh and tell them, "I'm going to eat my cake and have it too".
Do you mean a cuckold fantasy/fetish?
yes. i’m not at all saying that’s what was going on. i was reminded of it by your wording and thought i’d throw in one more ball to juggle in this discussion.0 -
your_future_ex_wife wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
for some men that’s a thing they likeFinishiitnow wrote: »
As have I. One woman in particular whose cheating became common knowledge because she was very indiscreet about it, with both her first and second marriages. I think that having the entire workplace knowing about her behaviour may have been part of the thrill.
It got to the point where coworkers felt so badly for her second husband they would plead with her to just end the marriage instead of making a fool out of him. She would just laugh and tell them, "I'm going to eat my cake and have it too".
Do you mean a cuckold fantasy/fetish?
yes. i’m not at all saying that’s what was going on. i was reminded of it by your wording and thought i’d throw in one more ball to juggle in this discussion.
I'm aware of it in theory, not sure how prevalent it is given that it's not something the cuckold is going to chat about openly.
Doubt it applied in either case as both husbands dumped her pretty quickly once they found out. She used to get a kick out of making Hubby #2 socialize with her lover and his wife though (the connection was only through her, they weren't all friends before she started the affair).2 -
your_future_ex_wife wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
for some men that’s a thing they likeFinishiitnow wrote: »
As have I. One woman in particular whose cheating became common knowledge because she was very indiscreet about it, with both her first and second marriages. I think that having the entire workplace knowing about her behaviour may have been part of the thrill.
It got to the point where coworkers felt so badly for her second husband they would plead with her to just end the marriage instead of making a fool out of him. She would just laugh and tell them, "I'm going to eat my cake and have it too".
Do you mean a cuckold fantasy/fetish?
yes. i’m not at all saying that’s what was going on. i was reminded of it by your wording and thought i’d throw in one more ball to juggle in this discussion.
I'm aware of it in theory, not sure how prevalent it is given that it's not something the cuckold is going to chat about openly.
Doubt it applied in either case as both husbands dumped her pretty quickly once they found out. She used to get a kick out of making Hubby #2 socialize with her lover and his wife though (the connection was only through her, they weren't all friends before she started the affair).
sounds like it was her kink though. too bad she couldn’t be honest about it and find a willing partner3 -
your_future_ex_wife wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »ArmyVeteranM1A1C wrote: »So to answer the as far as "cheating" in a relationship, the simple answer is the "cheater" wants more than he/she has, right or wrong
More complex answer would involve what the definition of cheating is, some men and women don't mind sharing so they do not consider it cheating, but other may judge and consider it cheating based on their morals, values and beliefs.
Cheating is more a Judeo/Christian stigma, many cultures and religions around the World do not consider infidelity cheating
Cheating is a perspective, swingers do not consider sexual relations with others cheating, Mormons with multiple wives do not consider it cheating, many cultures have condoned multiple wives or husbands or sex partners.
Now, don't wanna get too deep on that, I would just say if a couple is committed and the man or woman wants sex with another fwb and his/her partner does not allow that or know about it; it is terribly wrong especially if they don't practice safe sex and put their partners health and life at risk.
Me, I don't judge and don't care about someone else's business if it doesn't affect me, I have had swinger relationships and committed relationships, threesomes, foursomes, many combinations and know and have known many people and couples in all kinds of sexual situations, different situations work for different people.
Cheating can be defined many different ways, so this is a tough question to answer
Actually, the bolded is a good point. What I consider to be out of bounds for a relationship may not be the same for someone else, even my partner.
That's why that whole "communication" thing becomes important and it seems like we either are losing our ability to effectively communicate those needs and desires or we were never taught how to in the first place. We being collective, not you/I specific.
i was never taught that skill. I’m learning fast though
I forgot to respond to this. I wasn't taught it either. As a matter of fact, it was reinforced in our family that you don't discuss your problems/issues at all and that when you're depressed, it's perfectly acceptable to hide yourself in a room and watch soap operas, essentially ignoring your family except when you're obligated to do something.
I, too, am in the process of learning communication with people.2 -
Because they're confidence tricksters0
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CanesGalactica wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »ArmyVeteranM1A1C wrote: »So to answer the as far as "cheating" in a relationship, the simple answer is the "cheater" wants more than he/she has, right or wrong
More complex answer would involve what the definition of cheating is, some men and women don't mind sharing so they do not consider it cheating, but other may judge and consider it cheating based on their morals, values and beliefs.
Cheating is more a Judeo/Christian stigma, many cultures and religions around the World do not consider infidelity cheating
Cheating is a perspective, swingers do not consider sexual relations with others cheating, Mormons with multiple wives do not consider it cheating, many cultures have condoned multiple wives or husbands or sex partners.
Now, don't wanna get too deep on that, I would just say if a couple is committed and the man or woman wants sex with another fwb and his/her partner does not allow that or know about it; it is terribly wrong especially if they don't practice safe sex and put their partners health and life at risk.
Me, I don't judge and don't care about someone else's business if it doesn't affect me, I have had swinger relationships and committed relationships, threesomes, foursomes, many combinations and know and have known many people and couples in all kinds of sexual situations, different situations work for different people.
Cheating can be defined many different ways, so this is a tough question to answer
Actually, the bolded is a good point. What I consider to be out of bounds for a relationship may not be the same for someone else, even my partner.
That's why that whole "communication" thing becomes important and it seems like we either are losing our ability to effectively communicate those needs and desires or we were never taught how to in the first place. We being collective, not you/I specific.
i was never taught that skill. I’m learning fast though
I forgot to respond to this. I wasn't taught it either. As a matter of fact, it was reinforced in our family that you don't discuss your problems/issues at all and that when you're depressed, it's perfectly acceptable to hide yourself in a room and watch soap operas, essentially ignoring your family except when you're obligated to do something.
I, too, am in the process of learning communication with people.
you seem adept at expressing yourself. it’s encouraging to know it’s a process4 -
Reckoner68 wrote: »Because they're confidence tricksters
i have to pee, the bathroom is all the way over there, and you keep making me laugh
edit because i forgot my oxford comma. i don’t care for capitalizing, but commas are dear to me3 -
your_future_ex_wife wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »ArmyVeteranM1A1C wrote: »So to answer the as far as "cheating" in a relationship, the simple answer is the "cheater" wants more than he/she has, right or wrong
More complex answer would involve what the definition of cheating is, some men and women don't mind sharing so they do not consider it cheating, but other may judge and consider it cheating based on their morals, values and beliefs.
Cheating is more a Judeo/Christian stigma, many cultures and religions around the World do not consider infidelity cheating
Cheating is a perspective, swingers do not consider sexual relations with others cheating, Mormons with multiple wives do not consider it cheating, many cultures have condoned multiple wives or husbands or sex partners.
Now, don't wanna get too deep on that, I would just say if a couple is committed and the man or woman wants sex with another fwb and his/her partner does not allow that or know about it; it is terribly wrong especially if they don't practice safe sex and put their partners health and life at risk.
Me, I don't judge and don't care about someone else's business if it doesn't affect me, I have had swinger relationships and committed relationships, threesomes, foursomes, many combinations and know and have known many people and couples in all kinds of sexual situations, different situations work for different people.
Cheating can be defined many different ways, so this is a tough question to answer
Actually, the bolded is a good point. What I consider to be out of bounds for a relationship may not be the same for someone else, even my partner.
That's why that whole "communication" thing becomes important and it seems like we either are losing our ability to effectively communicate those needs and desires or we were never taught how to in the first place. We being collective, not you/I specific.
i was never taught that skill. I’m learning fast though
I forgot to respond to this. I wasn't taught it either. As a matter of fact, it was reinforced in our family that you don't discuss your problems/issues at all and that when you're depressed, it's perfectly acceptable to hide yourself in a room and watch soap operas, essentially ignoring your family except when you're obligated to do something.
I, too, am in the process of learning communication with people.
you seem adept at expressing yourself. it’s encouraging to know it’s a process
It helps when you stop caring (as much) about the judgment of people (whether known or unknown). I realize now that I have nothing to really hide. The things I've done/the things that have been done to me.. I feel no shame over them anymore. They were and are (and always will be) part of a process of growth. Some parts a lot more painful than others.4 -
777Gemma888 wrote: »NoHookUpZone wrote: »Open marriages aren't cheating. If at any time one or even both partners feel like it's cheating then that's not an open marriage.
Crossing your mutually agreed boundaries is not an open marriage.
Agree with this👆
Quoting you because I'm too lazy to go back and find the original, but I have a question.
What if neither party ever officially agreed on any boundaries relating to other people? What if it was never discussed? What if it was (sort of) discussed but no terms were ever agreed upon because the two parties saw things very differently?
Not picking on you, just really interested in how others would answer.1 -
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