WHY do people CHEAT?
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it is possible for some people to meet the need for novelty and variety within the boundaries of a faithful, monogamous relationship.your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
ok, i see what you mean. i interpreted that excerpt to mean happy with everything except the lack of variety. I don’t know if I’m right about that though.your_future_ex_wife wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »Many people say it’s better to leave a relationship than to cheat - To leave before it happens. It’s a relatively new idea that divorce is preferable to cheating. I’m not offering an opinion here one way or another because I haven’t formed one yet. And I’m not sure I’d share my personal beliefs on the subject even if I had.
Here is an interesting article. It touches on a few related points. If anyone reads more than 280 characters anymore, it’s got some food for thought.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/oct/13/a-strong-libido-and-bored-by-monogamy-the-truth-about-women-and-sex
The following excerpt from the article is unsettling:
"Another element in the mix, she says, was the finding that a third of women who are having an extramarital relationship say their marriage or long-term partnership is happy or very happy. “So we need to understand that women aren’t just seeking variety because they’re unhappy, they’re seeking it because they need variety and novelty,” she says."
how so?
I should have provided context.
We usually think of the road to infidelity in terms of unmet needs, unhappiness, or worse. In this case, things are going well and the marriage is "happy", yet infidelity still occurs. In short, it is the opposite of what is expected.
I do think however, that the author of the book seems to be saying that it is possible for some people to meet the need for novelty and variety within the boundaries of a faithful, monogamous relationship.
Makes sense, and it okay if all parties are consenting and aware.
just wanted to highlight that bolded part because I think it’s often overlooked1 -
your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
it is possible for some people to meet the need for novelty and variety within the boundaries of a faithful, monogamous relationship.your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
ok, i see what you mean. i interpreted that excerpt to mean happy with everything except the lack of variety. I don’t know if I’m right about that though.your_future_ex_wife wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »Many people say it’s better to leave a relationship than to cheat - To leave before it happens. It’s a relatively new idea that divorce is preferable to cheating. I’m not offering an opinion here one way or another because I haven’t formed one yet. And I’m not sure I’d share my personal beliefs on the subject even if I had.
Here is an interesting article. It touches on a few related points. If anyone reads more than 280 characters anymore, it’s got some food for thought.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/oct/13/a-strong-libido-and-bored-by-monogamy-the-truth-about-women-and-sex
The following excerpt from the article is unsettling:
"Another element in the mix, she says, was the finding that a third of women who are having an extramarital relationship say their marriage or long-term partnership is happy or very happy. “So we need to understand that women aren’t just seeking variety because they’re unhappy, they’re seeking it because they need variety and novelty,” she says."
how so?
I should have provided context.
We usually think of the road to infidelity in terms of unmet needs, unhappiness, or worse. In this case, things are going well and the marriage is "happy", yet infidelity still occurs. In short, it is the opposite of what is expected.
I do think however, that the author of the book seems to be saying that it is possible for some people to meet the need for novelty and variety within the boundaries of a faithful, monogamous relationship.
Makes sense, and it okay if all parties are consenting and aware.
just wanted to highlight that bolded part because I think it’s often overlooked
Agree.1 -
Sometimes this place scares me because at no point the OP said this was about people cheating on people.7
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your_future_ex_wife wrote: »I also think it’s funny how often I hear men say their wives don’t want sex anymore when maybe it’s just she wants different sex.
Yep. This was an issue in my previous relationship. Along with the expectation that it was my responsibility to initiate. It was a downward slope from there tbh.1 -
Keep_on_cardio wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »Many people say it’s better to leave a relationship than to cheat - To leave before it happens. It’s a relatively new idea that divorce is preferable to cheating. I’m not offering an opinion here one way or another because I haven’t formed one yet. And I’m not sure I’d share my personal beliefs on the subject even if I had.
Here is an interesting article. It touches on a few related points. If anyone reads more than 280 characters anymore, it’s got some food for thought.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/oct/13/a-strong-libido-and-bored-by-monogamy-the-truth-about-women-and-sex
There’s a wife bonus?!!! 😑 (blank face to Ms. Wednesday), and I don’t agree with her thoughts that a vibrator will help women stay. If a woman relies on a vibrator and isn’t getting that need met by her husband, that’s a crappy sex life.
The loss of sex drive, from man or woman could highly stem from other failings in the marriage. The unfortunate part to losing sexual desire, it makes you feel that there’s something wrong with your hormones. When indeed the marriage or relationship has so many issues, you lost desire for your person.
Then what happens? You think something is wrong with you (now I’m speaking from personal experience). When I have found myself more in the mood, in a conversation and haven’t been touched, you realize the relationship/marriage just may be too far gone. The key is being honest about that, the hard part is if your partner still believes it’s fixable and only hearing, what you need. They will not accept, you sharing that there’s nothing more they can do to save the relationship.
Bingo. I experience this off and on in my current relationship. It's particularly difficult when you're in a position of wanting to be honest (because you love that person and have no reason to lie), but that person only hears what they want to hear, refuses to acknowledge any faults in the relationship and doesn't really change anything on their end to make it worthwhile.
A relationship is a two way street. It can't all be give or all take and oftentimes, it ends up that way. And when you're in a position where you want to leave, but your partner refuses to let you or to accept the outcome, a person often feels trapped.6 -
CanesGalactica wrote: »I’m curious how many friend requests the women who mentioned open marriage got when they hit “post reply.” Lol. Cheating is ultimately an argument about honesty not sexual ethics. Unless of course you’re not honest about your sexual ethics.
Honestly, I have a feeling I'll lose friends because I'm choosing to be open and honest about my experiences, especially because others in this thread have been hurt and they see "my type" as scum.
Their opinions and they are perfectly allowed to have them, I just have a feeling I'll get less friends requests and more deletes than anything, but ah well.
Well you’re getting a friend request from me. Not because of open marriage. I’m certainly not in one but because you hit upon something important and insightful. We’re all on a journey to become our most genuine honest self. It is the only true purpose in life and the only “mistakes” we make are when we don’t tell the truth ( to ourselves and other). You sir (or mam, I don’t know know your gender) are further along on this journey than most and it’s admirable.
I'm a crazy cat lady. Ask anyone here who knows me.
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I agree with most of the article posted. In my experience things have happened that way right on queue, 2-3 year in and I'm bored. Nothing lasted longer than 5 years and that's with a few years tossed in trying to save it. I was in one poly relationship for a short time but it came down to someone breaking ground rules and now it's cheating. Meh. I really love the idea of monogamy but I'm not sure about it, same as poly relationships. There's a time when being exclusive feels good and secure and a time where it feels like prison. I also get hella jealous so I'm not so sure about sharing. Human relationships are difficult and that's why I'm going to go live in the woods. goodbye.
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I agree with most of the article posted. In my experience things have happened that way right on queue, 2-3 year in and I'm bored. Nothing lasted longer than 5 years and that's with a few years tossed in trying to save it. I was in one poly relationship for a short time but it came down to someone breaking ground rules and now it's cheating. Meh. I really love the idea of monogamy but I'm not sure about it, same as poly relationships. There's a time when being exclusive feels good and secure and a time where it feels like prison. I also get hella jealous so I'm not so sure about sharing. Human relationships are difficult and that's why I'm going to go live in the woods. goodbye.
This has been my plan for years so now I'm gonna have to make sure my woods doesn't already have people in it dangit2 -
you said my things.I agree with most of the article posted. In my experience things have happened that way right on queue, 2-3 year in and I'm bored. Nothing lasted longer than 5 years and that's with a few years tossed in trying to save it. I was in one poly relationship for a short time but it came down to someone breaking ground rules and now it's cheating. Meh. I really love the idea of monogamy but I'm not sure about it, same as poly relationships. There's a time when being exclusive feels good and secure and a time where it feels like prison. I also get hella jealous so I'm not so sure about sharing. Human relationships are difficult and that's why I'm going to go live in the woods. goodbye.
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living in the woods sounds great on paper..... but then there's poison oak
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Motorsheen wrote: »living in the woods sounds great on paper..... but then there's poison oak
and there is always a risk of Dueling Banjos0 -
I agree with most of the article posted. In my experience things have happened that way right on queue, 2-3 year in and I'm bored. Nothing lasted longer than 5 years and that's with a few years tossed in trying to save it. I was in one poly relationship for a short time but it came down to someone breaking ground rules and now it's cheating. Meh. I really love the idea of monogamy but I'm not sure about it, same as poly relationships. There's a time when being exclusive feels good and secure and a time where it feels like prison. I also get hella jealous so I'm not so sure about sharing. Human relationships are difficult and that's why I'm going to go live in the woods. goodbye.
I agree with all of this, but odd thing is? I very rarely ever get jealous. My jealousy isn't the problem, it's apparently the lack thereof that seems to be a problem.
I don't do possessiveness and someone wanting to explore and be with other people doesn't offend me. In the past, it might have, but my relationship is as such now that if they wanted to go be with another partner, as long as they don't bring home diseases, drama or babies, I'm okay because I know that that person will come back. We're happy (mostly) together and I have encouraged my SO to explore (if he wants to), but he tells me he's not interested. **shrugs** But at least he knows the option is there for him if it changes.
But yes.. ALL relationships with people are hard, even friendships. Ugh.4 -
CanesGalactica wrote: »I agree with most of the article posted. In my experience things have happened that way right on queue, 2-3 year in and I'm bored. Nothing lasted longer than 5 years and that's with a few years tossed in trying to save it. I was in one poly relationship for a short time but it came down to someone breaking ground rules and now it's cheating. Meh. I really love the idea of monogamy but I'm not sure about it, same as poly relationships. There's a time when being exclusive feels good and secure and a time where it feels like prison. I also get hella jealous so I'm not so sure about sharing. Human relationships are difficult and that's why I'm going to go live in the woods. goodbye.
I agree with all of this, but odd thing is? I very rarely ever get jealous. My jealousy isn't the problem, it's apparently the lack thereof that seems to be a problem.
I don't do possessiveness and someone wanting to explore and be with other people doesn't offend me. In the past, it might have, but my relationship is as such now that if they wanted to go be with another partner, as long as they don't bring home diseases, drama or babies, I'm okay because I know that that person will come back. We're happy (mostly) together and I have encouraged my SO to explore (if he wants to), but he tells me he's not interested. **shrugs** But at least he knows the option is there for him if it changes.
But yes.. ALL relationships with people are hard, even friendships. Ugh.
so, i’m thinking that the more people involved, the more difficult it is? more complicated?0 -
your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
so, i’m thinking that the more people involved, the more difficult it is? more complicated?
I think you just described Twister.6 -
your_future_ex_wife wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »I agree with most of the article posted. In my experience things have happened that way right on queue, 2-3 year in and I'm bored. Nothing lasted longer than 5 years and that's with a few years tossed in trying to save it. I was in one poly relationship for a short time but it came down to someone breaking ground rules and now it's cheating. Meh. I really love the idea of monogamy but I'm not sure about it, same as poly relationships. There's a time when being exclusive feels good and secure and a time where it feels like prison. I also get hella jealous so I'm not so sure about sharing. Human relationships are difficult and that's why I'm going to go live in the woods. goodbye.
I agree with all of this, but odd thing is? I very rarely ever get jealous. My jealousy isn't the problem, it's apparently the lack thereof that seems to be a problem.
I don't do possessiveness and someone wanting to explore and be with other people doesn't offend me. In the past, it might have, but my relationship is as such now that if they wanted to go be with another partner, as long as they don't bring home diseases, drama or babies, I'm okay because I know that that person will come back. We're happy (mostly) together and I have encouraged my SO to explore (if he wants to), but he tells me he's not interested. **shrugs** But at least he knows the option is there for him if it changes.
But yes.. ALL relationships with people are hard, even friendships. Ugh.
so, i’m thinking that the more people involved, the more difficult it is? more complicated?
It can be. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Really depends on the people involved and their personalities.tinkerhellraiser wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »I agree with most of the article posted. In my experience things have happened that way right on queue, 2-3 year in and I'm bored. Nothing lasted longer than 5 years and that's with a few years tossed in trying to save it. I was in one poly relationship for a short time but it came down to someone breaking ground rules and now it's cheating. Meh. I really love the idea of monogamy but I'm not sure about it, same as poly relationships. There's a time when being exclusive feels good and secure and a time where it feels like prison. I also get hella jealous so I'm not so sure about sharing. Human relationships are difficult and that's why I'm going to go live in the woods. goodbye.
I agree with all of this, but odd thing is? I very rarely ever get jealous. My jealousy isn't the problem, it's apparently the lack thereof that seems to be a problem.
I don't do possessiveness and someone wanting to explore and be with other people doesn't offend me. In the past, it might have, but my relationship is as such now that if they wanted to go be with another partner, as long as they don't bring home diseases, drama or babies, I'm okay because I know that that person will come back. We're happy (mostly) together and I have encouraged my SO to explore (if he wants to), but he tells me he's not interested. **shrugs** But at least he knows the option is there for him if it changes.
But yes.. ALL relationships with people are hard, even friendships. Ugh.
i thought i grew out of being possessive/jealous but turns out i just dgaf at the time
i hate it, it’s the worst feeling
:laugh: Maybe that's what it is. I just find jealousy to be a useless emotion and I hate how it makes me feel, so I'd rather not have it.your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
so, i’m thinking that the more people involved, the more difficult it is? more complicated?
I think you just described Twister.
:laugh:2 -
People that cheat are incredibly selfish..... often they're narcissists. If you're not happy in a relationship, at least have the cajones to leave - you owe the other person that much. Yes, leaving is difficult - but far better than being a sorry *kitten* liar & cheat. The damage that you inflict on your partner is irreversible.
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caco_ethes wrote: »heyjude0225 wrote: »My ex wife told me that men cheat because they are *kitten* and women cheat because men are *kitten*.
She seemed to enjoy other *kitten*
I’ve heard this expression before and it kinda makes me see red, lol. No man made me do it, *kitten* or otherwise
Well that truly was her reasoning... all four times...1 -
tinkerhellraiser wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »I agree with most of the article posted. In my experience things have happened that way right on queue, 2-3 year in and I'm bored. Nothing lasted longer than 5 years and that's with a few years tossed in trying to save it. I was in one poly relationship for a short time but it came down to someone breaking ground rules and now it's cheating. Meh. I really love the idea of monogamy but I'm not sure about it, same as poly relationships. There's a time when being exclusive feels good and secure and a time where it feels like prison. I also get hella jealous so I'm not so sure about sharing. Human relationships are difficult and that's why I'm going to go live in the woods. goodbye.
I agree with all of this, but odd thing is? I very rarely ever get jealous. My jealousy isn't the problem, it's apparently the lack thereof that seems to be a problem.
I don't do possessiveness and someone wanting to explore and be with other people doesn't offend me. In the past, it might have, but my relationship is as such now that if they wanted to go be with another partner, as long as they don't bring home diseases, drama or babies, I'm okay because I know that that person will come back. We're happy (mostly) together and I have encouraged my SO to explore (if he wants to), but he tells me he's not interested. **shrugs** But at least he knows the option is there for him if it changes.
But yes.. ALL relationships with people are hard, even friendships. Ugh.
i thought i grew out of being possessive/jealous but turns out i just dgaf at the time
i hate it, it’s the worst feeling
i’ve been wondering if it’s possible to outgrow it. if it serves a purpose. if it can be used for good0 -
your_future_ex_wife wrote: »tinkerhellraiser wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »I agree with most of the article posted. In my experience things have happened that way right on queue, 2-3 year in and I'm bored. Nothing lasted longer than 5 years and that's with a few years tossed in trying to save it. I was in one poly relationship for a short time but it came down to someone breaking ground rules and now it's cheating. Meh. I really love the idea of monogamy but I'm not sure about it, same as poly relationships. There's a time when being exclusive feels good and secure and a time where it feels like prison. I also get hella jealous so I'm not so sure about sharing. Human relationships are difficult and that's why I'm going to go live in the woods. goodbye.
I agree with all of this, but odd thing is? I very rarely ever get jealous. My jealousy isn't the problem, it's apparently the lack thereof that seems to be a problem.
I don't do possessiveness and someone wanting to explore and be with other people doesn't offend me. In the past, it might have, but my relationship is as such now that if they wanted to go be with another partner, as long as they don't bring home diseases, drama or babies, I'm okay because I know that that person will come back. We're happy (mostly) together and I have encouraged my SO to explore (if he wants to), but he tells me he's not interested. **shrugs** But at least he knows the option is there for him if it changes.
But yes.. ALL relationships with people are hard, even friendships. Ugh.
i thought i grew out of being possessive/jealous but turns out i just dgaf at the time
i hate it, it’s the worst feeling
i’ve been wondering if it’s possible to outgrow it. if it serves a purpose. if it can be used for good
I kinda doubt it.
others would argue 'yes'....
but humans can argue about most anything.2 -
Motorsheen wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »tinkerhellraiser wrote: »CanesGalactica wrote: »I agree with most of the article posted. In my experience things have happened that way right on queue, 2-3 year in and I'm bored. Nothing lasted longer than 5 years and that's with a few years tossed in trying to save it. I was in one poly relationship for a short time but it came down to someone breaking ground rules and now it's cheating. Meh. I really love the idea of monogamy but I'm not sure about it, same as poly relationships. There's a time when being exclusive feels good and secure and a time where it feels like prison. I also get hella jealous so I'm not so sure about sharing. Human relationships are difficult and that's why I'm going to go live in the woods. goodbye.
I agree with all of this, but odd thing is? I very rarely ever get jealous. My jealousy isn't the problem, it's apparently the lack thereof that seems to be a problem.
I don't do possessiveness and someone wanting to explore and be with other people doesn't offend me. In the past, it might have, but my relationship is as such now that if they wanted to go be with another partner, as long as they don't bring home diseases, drama or babies, I'm okay because I know that that person will come back. We're happy (mostly) together and I have encouraged my SO to explore (if he wants to), but he tells me he's not interested. **shrugs** But at least he knows the option is there for him if it changes.
But yes.. ALL relationships with people are hard, even friendships. Ugh.
i thought i grew out of being possessive/jealous but turns out i just dgaf at the time
i hate it, it’s the worst feeling
i’ve been wondering if it’s possible to outgrow it. if it serves a purpose. if it can be used for good
I kinda doubt it.
others would argue 'yes'....
but humans can argue about most anything.
i feel like you’re trying to bait me 😂❤️0
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