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Height-ism?
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SuzySunshine99 wrote: »I think it's actually good to know up front if someone is that shallow...it saves everyone from wasting their time.
So true. Just swipe past all those folks.
I was married before online dating became the big thing it it now. Do people not meet through friends, at parties, through shared hobbies/interests any longer?
Not if they're a socially awkward, friendless introvert who doesn't go to parties (Oh, hey, that's me!)3 -
My sister always has a Jerry in her life and there is always maximum drama involved. On the questionably positive side, she has no filters for race, height, age, etc. She usually meets them through friends. Her minimum requirements are low to non-existent; one guy cleaned her bathroom on his first visit then moved in.[/quote]
I can almost get this -- I hate cleaning my bathroom![/quote]
Forgive me..... I got 'nothin."
Seriously, that's all I got. No offense to anyone, please.
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If it really bothers you: women are terrible at evaluating a dude's height IRL. Just saying...
Someone should compare the distribution of male height on dating apps with that of the general male population.
That's because men are lying, not because woman are terrible at evaluating men's heights.
I've done a lot of online dating and think I only met two men who didn't lie about their heights, and one of the liars was 6'3" and lied about being 6'4"! (My ex was 6'4" and I knew what standing next to someone that height was like.)
OK Cupid did the comparison:
https://theblog.okcupid.com/the-big-lies-people-tell-in-online-dating-a9e3990d6ae24 -
When I started dating after leaving Mr. 6'4", I wasn't terribly picky, but when I got ready for a serious relationship, I knew I needed to tighten my criteria and stop wasting my time. Some of my criteria reflected my hard-wired preferences and I do not apologize for them. Some were in an effort to not waste my time. For example, when I was close to 40 I got a lot of messages from guys in their 20's. I just didn't see any point in pursuing that when I was seeking a serious relationship. (I did give the 20-something Rhodes Scholar a shot, and it was fun, while it lasted.) I also stopped bothering with men who were long distance.
Sure, LD relationships and those with big age disparities can work, but I preferred to filter, filter, filter and find someone who checked all the boxes rather than get invested and go on a lot of first dates, but no second dates. I had to give it 4 years and a move back to Massachusetts for that to happen, but I'm glad I did. It was like lightening struck when I read his (very well written) first email and profile.11 -
kshama2001 wrote: »If it really bothers you: women are terrible at evaluating a dude's height IRL. Just saying...
Someone should compare the distribution of male height on dating apps with that of the general male population.
That's because men are lying, not because woman are terrible at evaluating men's heights.
@kshama2001 I think you are probably right. I'm 5 10 (actually just shy of it) but have had several men who are clearly shorter than I am, tell me I must be 6ft as they are 5 10.
Not sure if they've been lying so long they forgot how tall they actually are.. or think I'm so dumb I can be convinced I'm a different height.
It reminds me of the joke as well
Why are women so bad at parking?
Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.
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Tried to read through this whole thread and I'm confused. When I got married 32 years ago, there were no dating apps (as far as I know). I find it hard to believe this is now the "normal" way to meet people and finally find a life partner. Actually people don't even seem to marry for life anymore.
As for preferences, I was adamant about a few "would never's" and "must be's" in my head, but the person I met didn't match all those criteria. Nobody will ever meet all the criteria!! This is not a fairy tale story, but I think we're still living "happily ever after" as they used to say in the books.
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Tried to read through this whole thread and I'm confused. When I got married 32 years ago, there were no dating apps (as far as I know). I find it hard to believe this is now the "normal" way to meet people and finally find a life partner. Actually people don't even seem to marry for life anymore.
As for preferences, I was adamant about a few "would never's" and "must be's" in my head, but the person I met didn't match all those criteria. Nobody will ever meet all the criteria!! This is not a fairy tale story, but I think we're still living "happily ever after" as they used to say in the books.
I wouldn't say that it is THE normal, but it is certainly "a" normal. It's not at all unusual to hear that someone has met a long-term partner online and even less unusual for people to use dating apps to arrange dates.2 -
janejellyroll wrote: »Tried to read through this whole thread and I'm confused. When I got married 32 years ago, there were no dating apps (as far as I know). I find it hard to believe this is now the "normal" way to meet people and finally find a life partner. Actually people don't even seem to marry for life anymore.
As for preferences, I was adamant about a few "would never's" and "must be's" in my head, but the person I met didn't match all those criteria. Nobody will ever meet all the criteria!! This is not a fairy tale story, but I think we're still living "happily ever after" as they used to say in the books.
I wouldn't say that it is THE normal, but it is certainly "a" normal. It's not at all unusual to hear that someone has met a long-term partner online and even less unusual for people to use dating apps to arrange dates.
Yes. Clearly the world is changing dramatically. Unfortunately, it appears that advertising for the ideal partner isn't guaranteeing long term relationships.
Regarding the original post, height-ism surely doesn't have to be a thing. I know a short man with a big tall wife, and two bigger men with very short tiny wives. All seem quite happy to me.1 -
cmriverside wrote: »...
Have you considered you may be a life-long single? There's nothing wrong with that.
...
I have considered it, and my therapist has even assured me that it's perfectly OK. And I do more or less like my life. I do what I want, when I want. It's comfortable and yet, somewhat paradoxically, I've also received steady advice to "get out of my comfort zone" as part of recovery. And for me, few things are as uncomfortable as ... this stuff.
But there is the little voice inside me that says, "Lonely! Lonely Bad! Me Hurt and Lonely!" I look at friends who have started families and now have kids entering college. They're in an entirely different world. I'm sure there are times they look at my life with a little envy, too.
But if you are looking to a woman to fill that hole inside you, you'll be endlessly disappointed.
No one was put on this planet to heal your wounded soul. That's up to you.
Like I said, 4th and 5th Step.9 -
It's simply a matter of what you're attracted to, nothing more. I'm 5' 10" and well over 6' in heels. I prefer to date men over 6' because I don't enjoy feeling like a giraffe next to a man. When I was on dating sites I would get messages from men telling me to change my profile because "some men like dating taller women." The fact that they would even tell me to change my own standards and preferences to accommodate strangers is ludicrous.11
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"some men like dating taller women."
Oh well in that case....3 -
janejellyroll wrote: »Tried to read through this whole thread and I'm confused. When I got married 32 years ago, there were no dating apps (as far as I know). I find it hard to believe this is now the "normal" way to meet people and finally find a life partner. Actually people don't even seem to marry for life anymore.
As for preferences, I was adamant about a few "would never's" and "must be's" in my head, but the person I met didn't match all those criteria. Nobody will ever meet all the criteria!! This is not a fairy tale story, but I think we're still living "happily ever after" as they used to say in the books.
I wouldn't say that it is THE normal, but it is certainly "a" normal. It's not at all unusual to hear that someone has met a long-term partner online and even less unusual for people to use dating apps to arrange dates.
Yes. Clearly the world is changing dramatically. Unfortunately, it appears that advertising for the ideal partner isn't guaranteeing long term relationships.
Regarding the original post, height-ism surely doesn't have to be a thing. I know a short man with a big tall wife, and two bigger men with very short tiny wives. All seem quite happy to me.
I don't think anything can guarantee a long term relationship. People have been splitting up forever.
As time passes and we have more data on the long term success of the relationships of people that met online, I guess we'll be able to draw more solid conclusions.
I don't know if getting matched by an app is that different from some of the forms of matching we've had in the past -- being fixed up by friends, personals ads, dating services, speed dating. People have formed lasting relationships (and nightmare partnerships) via these for a while now. You have basic criteria (your friends know you like funny guys, you tell the dating service you prefer blondes, whatever), you meet someone, you see where chemistry and fate takes the both of you. You still need to be able to interest someone and generate a spark no matter what you do. And if you decide to be serious, you need the skills and communication to make a relationship work.
My husband and I met online (back when it was more like personal ads) and it's completely irrelevant to our lives fifteen years later. I know couples who've met on Tinder or similar aps and it seems to be the same with them.1 -
I watched a tv program where one woman actually said she would choose an ex con over a man shorter than her.
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It seems like a lot of people in recovery tend to me significant others through recovery related activities...meetings, outings, etc. They have a lot in common and know what the other one is going through.0
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_BlahBlah_BlackSheep_ wrote: »It's simply a matter of what you're attracted to, nothing more. I'm 5' 10" and well over 6' in heels. I prefer to date men over 6' because I don't enjoy feeling like a giraffe next to a man. When I was on dating sites I would get messages from men telling me to change my profile because "some men like dating taller women." The fact that they would even tell me to change my own standards and preferences to accommodate strangers is ludicrous.
I had a male friend tell me I'd have better luck if I "dumbed it down"
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Evidently, OkCupid users are taller and wealthier than average. What other explanation could there be?kshama2001 wrote: »If it really bothers you: women are terrible at evaluating a dude's height IRL. Just saying...
Someone should compare the distribution of male height on dating apps with that of the general male population.
That's because men are lying, not because woman are terrible at evaluating men's heights.
I've done a lot of online dating and think I only met two men who didn't lie about their heights, and one of the liars was 6'3" and lied about being 6'4"! (My ex was 6'4" and I knew what standing next to someone that height was like.)
OK Cupid did the comparison:
https://theblog.okcupid.com/the-big-lies-people-tell-in-online-dating-a9e3990d6ae2
Tbh, I think it's both men lying and women not really being able to tell. YMMV but, in my experience, people (regardless of gender) only truly perceive five heights: "about the same as me", "a bit shorter", "a bit taller", "much shorter" and "much taller"; and most men would fall into the "a bit taller" and "much taller" categories with regards to most women.1 -
FutureFit2020 wrote: »"some men like dating taller women."
Oh well in that case....
Right??? Because my selection criteria is all about what they want. 2 -
kshama2001 wrote: »_BlahBlah_BlackSheep_ wrote: »It's simply a matter of what you're attracted to, nothing more. I'm 5' 10" and well over 6' in heels. I prefer to date men over 6' because I don't enjoy feeling like a giraffe next to a man. When I was on dating sites I would get messages from men telling me to change my profile because "some men like dating taller women." The fact that they would even tell me to change my own standards and preferences to accommodate strangers is ludicrous.
I had a male friend tell me I'd have better luck if I "dumbed it down"
One guy asked me about my interests (which include home renovation projects). He told me I'm too independent and need to learn how to lean on a man, because men like to feel needed. Okay, then...10 -
_BlahBlah_BlackSheep_ wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »_BlahBlah_BlackSheep_ wrote: »It's simply a matter of what you're attracted to, nothing more. I'm 5' 10" and well over 6' in heels. I prefer to date men over 6' because I don't enjoy feeling like a giraffe next to a man. When I was on dating sites I would get messages from men telling me to change my profile because "some men like dating taller women." The fact that they would even tell me to change my own standards and preferences to accommodate strangers is ludicrous.
I had a male friend tell me I'd have better luck if I "dumbed it down"
One guy asked me about my interests (which include home renovation projects). He told me I'm too independent and need to learn how to lean on a man, because men like to feel needed. Okay, then...
Feel free to come do all the home renovations at my house you would like. As far as $, I'm completely ok with being a domestic Dave....😉5 -
_BlahBlah_BlackSheep_ wrote: »It's simply a matter of what you're attracted to, nothing more. I'm 5' 10" and well over 6' in heels. I prefer to date men over 6' because I don't enjoy feeling like a giraffe next to a man. When I was on dating sites I would get messages from men telling me to change my profile because "some men like dating taller women." The fact that they would even tell me to change my own standards and preferences to accommodate strangers is ludicrous.
It's been 17 years since I was on an online dating site, but I do clearly recall one winner who asked me if I could rehome my cats because he didn't like cats. We. Had. Not. Even. Met.13 -
i find this thread fascinating.
I am married to a man who is not very tall - probably about 5ft 6. I am just under 5ft 4 so this is obviously still taller than me. have never been a high heels wearer so that didnt affect anything.
Met in real life so irelevant to thread I guess.....4 -
Mouse_Potato wrote: »_BlahBlah_BlackSheep_ wrote: »It's simply a matter of what you're attracted to, nothing more. I'm 5' 10" and well over 6' in heels. I prefer to date men over 6' because I don't enjoy feeling like a giraffe next to a man. When I was on dating sites I would get messages from men telling me to change my profile because "some men like dating taller women." The fact that they would even tell me to change my own standards and preferences to accommodate strangers is ludicrous.
It's been 17 years since I was on an online dating site, but I do clearly recall one winner who asked me if I could rehome my cats because he didn't like cats. We. Had. Not. Even. Met.
Ugh.
I had a guy ask me to move in with him, but tell me I'd have to get rid of my dog.
Um. I have my own place. You have two male messy roommates in an already too small house. Why in the world do you think I'd want to move in with you in the first place AND THEN get rid of a dog I'd had for eight years and I'd only known you for four months?????10 -
kshama2001 wrote: »If it really bothers you: women are terrible at evaluating a dude's height IRL. Just saying...
Someone should compare the distribution of male height on dating apps with that of the general male population.
That's because men are lying, not because woman are terrible at evaluating men's heights.
I've done a lot of online dating and think I only met two men who didn't lie about their heights, and one of the liars was 6'3" and lied about being 6'4"! (My ex was 6'4" and I knew what standing next to someone that height was like.)
OK Cupid did the comparison:
https://theblog.okcupid.com/the-big-lies-people-tell-in-online-dating-a9e3990d6ae2
Not sure I would really call someone 6 ft 3 who said they were 6 ft 4 a liar - maybe he just rounded it up to next inch
I know I am just over 5 ft 3 and half - I usually just say I am 5 ft 4 - didnt think that was dishonest.
seems in the realm of saying I went to bed at 10 pm when I really went to bed at 9:55.
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I've never sorted on height, although too many inches down or up from me is uncomfortable. (I like both genders, and a lot of women are shorter than me and a lot of men around here are taller than me.) What's more important to me is intelligence, a good sense of humor, a quick wit and congruencies in political outlook (my son is gay, I'm not dating a homophobe), religion or tolerance thereof, and allergies to pets, as well as having compatible kinks. My dominance is not merely in the bedroom, and I require partners who want to have me control their lives all the time. Otherwise it gets pretty uncomfortable for both of us. Also, some consideration of games within kink matter; I find rope boring as a top, and so if their idea of a fun kinky night involves being tied up, count me out. Not my thing.
And at the moment I have two partners, of seven and five years relationship duration, one male, one female, and we all live together very happily with two cats. We also have a varied and colorful bouquet of mental health issues, but we three manage them together.2 -
paperpudding wrote: »i find this thread fascinating.
I am married to a man who is not very tall - probably about 5ft 6. I am just under 5ft 4 so this is obviously still taller than me. have never been a high heels wearer so that didnt affect anything.
Met in real life so irelevant to thread I guess.....
Good. Glad I'm not the only one who finds it fascinatingly different.2 -
Huh... I have issues finding women that meet my criteria for a potential partner. It's not looks really. Height really isn't an issue. Not really into "little" people 4'8" and under or women over 6'6" or so.0
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Maybe some of these women are tall and are self-conscious about their height and thus only want someone taller than them. Or maybe some of them are tall and already dated shorter men who were intimidated by her being taller. Maybe she wants no drama based on HER height.3
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Finding a mate seems so much easier in the animal world. If I were a bird I'd just attract females with my colourful plummage and song. If I were I spider I'd win her over with my mating dance. If I were a wolf I'd kill her a nice juicy rabbit. That's it. Do the one mating ritual and you're in.
Women want it all though. Songs, dances, bright colourful displays, dead rabbits, etc. It gets to be a bit much.6 -
stevehenderson776 wrote: »Finding a mate seems so much easier in the animal world. If I were a bird I'd just attract females with my colourful plummage and song. If I were I spider I'd win her over with my mating dance. If I were a wolf I'd kill her a nice juicy rabbit. That's it. Do the one mating ritual and you're in.
Women want it all though. Songs, dances, bright colourful displays, dead rabbits, etc. It gets to be a bit much.
You forgot about praying mantises...😬
**edit** going to have to mention pair bonding vs tournament mating. In pair bonding, the female is looking for the best provider with decent genetics. In tournament species, it's all about genetics. That is why we generally see a greater size disparity between males and females of the same species. Humans are a strange mix. We tend to be mostly pair bonding with some residual tournamental tendencies.3 -
psychod787 wrote: »stevehenderson776 wrote: »Finding a mate seems so much easier in the animal world. If I were a bird I'd just attract females with my colourful plummage and song. If I were I spider I'd win her over with my mating dance. If I were a wolf I'd kill her a nice juicy rabbit. That's it. Do the one mating ritual and you're in.
Women want it all though. Songs, dances, bright colourful displays, dead rabbits, etc. It gets to be a bit much.
You forgot about praying mantises...😬
I've had plenty of women bite my head off.4
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