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Height-ism?
Replies
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I went out with a man who was in recovery but sober for many years. He looked me directly in the eye and said there's something very important you need to know and I paid alot of money for this advice so listen UP:
I am the tornado that will tear through your life and rip it all apart. That's what addiction does. He explained that he started drinking at the age of 12. His family paid for multiple trips to the best rehab places in the country. Every day was a struggle. There was cross-addiction with gambling.
So he took me by the shoulders and said I'm setting your free. He also asked me if alcoholism ran in my family. He said there has to be some in there or you would not be attracted to me. Like attracts like. I don't drink, my folks don't drink but the entire fam damily cannot really handle alcohol in any form if you get my continental drift. Genetics.
So it was true. It was there. That was a sad day but I recovered.
He's still single and I respect him for telling me the truth. He knows his limits and maybe you, do. Your new details changed my vision. I respect you for sticking to your principles. It takes true grit.
OMG. Six degrees of separation is now down to two. Do we know one another?
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Well, I guess I would fare well on a dating site then.
I love men of “shorter” stature. I’m 5’7 and have rarely dated a man above 5’9. My preference are men my height. Full of confidence and of good humour is also a plus if anyone is asking 😉😂7 -
FutureFit2020 wrote: »I think for a lot of women, it's about the crap they get for being tall. Comments from strangers that are magnified when next to someone smaller than them. So it becomes a "must" for them. I'm a very tall woman and I always preferred tall men as short men could be weird about a woman's height. It makes you feel like some sort of giant monster. I know women who can only wear flats with a partner as the man gets insecure about her towering over him. Google "prince Diana height Charles". It's quite interesting that they were the same height but pictures were always posed to make her appear 6 inches or so shorter than him.
I agree with the challenges of dating as a tall woman. I'm fairly tall and I like to wear heels so out in public I appear to be at least 6'. Very very few shorter men even look twice at me. (Maybe if I was super hot it would mitigate the height problem, but I'm not) I inherited some lovely heels from a friend whose husband only had an inch on her and didn't want her looking taller when they were out together. I have dated shorter guys but other men constantly gave them crap about having a taller girlfriend.
So, yeah, there are still some prevailing norms out there about height in dating.9 -
janejellyroll wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »I was having a bad day when I made this topic! Forgive my childishness!
FWIW, I'm nearing 41and have, essentially, never been on a date. And it's starting to wear on me ever so slightly. In the past few months, I've spent probably $500 on dating app memberships for the privilege of sending missives into the void.
Younger Zamphir definitely fell into the trap of "hurr durr women don't like nice guys, only a-holes" nonsense. I've outgrown that, thank God. I realize I'm the common denominator in my one-sided equation. I just can't figure out what's wrong with me.
I read this article recently from a guy who works in mental health or recovery in some capacity. He talks about a client named "Jerry" who is receiving court-ordered counseling for being an abusive alcoholic and poly-addict. Jerry has kids by 4 different women. He's never held down a job; he has a long criminal record; he's functionally illiterate; and in spite of all that he's never without someone who wants to have his next child. And the guy doing his intake is childless, single, and lonely, and he thinks, "I don't expect to have a supermodel on my arm. But I expect to be doing better than Jerry." And that's sort of how I feel sometimes.
I bet Jerry is always out at bars or events where he knows women are going to be.
I bet he's flirty.
I bet he has no problem being rejected because he knows it's a numbers game.
I bet he's not particularly choosy. (Sorry Jerry, but bringing a UHaul on a first date is a dead-giveaway to your lack of standards.)
So Zamphir, ask out everyone who you think may possibly be "okay" - not necessarily have-my-baby awesome, but just okay. It really is about putting yourself out there as much as possible, not looking for Ms Perfect.:)
Also, I'm thinking that Jerry's relationships may have an element of mmm . . . drama that many of us would find unfavorable. I've known people who never lack for a partner despite addiction struggles, frequent arrests, employment issues, and a long history of failed relationships. They may not be lonely at night, but there is often a level of conflict and chaos in these relationships that would make me long to be single.
I'd rather be alone than be in the thunderdome that one of my uncles creates in every one of the (many) relationships he's been in. I've gone my whole life without ever having the police get involved in one of my domestic disputes. I don't think my uncle has gone a YEAR without having that happen, for multiple decades now. I realize even level-headed people get in bad situations and have domestic situations get out of hand sometimes, but when it's a way of life with at least a dozen different partners? No thanks.
Someone with a string of partners often isn't doing "better" than someone who takes longer between relationships. They're different, they aren't feeling the particular challenges of not having a partner, but many times it really isn't what I would call better.
My sister always has a Jerry in her life and there is always maximum drama involved. On the questionably positive side, she has no filters for race, height, age, etc. She usually meets them through friends. Her minimum requirements are low to non-existent; one guy cleaned her bathroom on his first visit then moved in.
I can almost get this -- I hate cleaning my bathroom!8 -
SuzySunshine99 wrote: »I think it's actually good to know up front if someone is that shallow...it saves everyone from wasting their time.
So true. Just swipe past all those folks.
I was married before online dating became the big thing it it now. Do people not meet through friends, at parties, through shared hobbies/interests any longer?
Not if they're a socially awkward, friendless introvert who doesn't go to parties (Oh, hey, that's me!)3 -
My sister always has a Jerry in her life and there is always maximum drama involved. On the questionably positive side, she has no filters for race, height, age, etc. She usually meets them through friends. Her minimum requirements are low to non-existent; one guy cleaned her bathroom on his first visit then moved in.[/quote]
I can almost get this -- I hate cleaning my bathroom![/quote]
Forgive me..... I got 'nothin."
Seriously, that's all I got. No offense to anyone, please.
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If it really bothers you: women are terrible at evaluating a dude's height IRL. Just saying...
Someone should compare the distribution of male height on dating apps with that of the general male population.
That's because men are lying, not because woman are terrible at evaluating men's heights.
I've done a lot of online dating and think I only met two men who didn't lie about their heights, and one of the liars was 6'3" and lied about being 6'4"! (My ex was 6'4" and I knew what standing next to someone that height was like.)
OK Cupid did the comparison:
https://theblog.okcupid.com/the-big-lies-people-tell-in-online-dating-a9e3990d6ae24 -
When I started dating after leaving Mr. 6'4", I wasn't terribly picky, but when I got ready for a serious relationship, I knew I needed to tighten my criteria and stop wasting my time. Some of my criteria reflected my hard-wired preferences and I do not apologize for them. Some were in an effort to not waste my time. For example, when I was close to 40 I got a lot of messages from guys in their 20's. I just didn't see any point in pursuing that when I was seeking a serious relationship. (I did give the 20-something Rhodes Scholar a shot, and it was fun, while it lasted.) I also stopped bothering with men who were long distance.
Sure, LD relationships and those with big age disparities can work, but I preferred to filter, filter, filter and find someone who checked all the boxes rather than get invested and go on a lot of first dates, but no second dates. I had to give it 4 years and a move back to Massachusetts for that to happen, but I'm glad I did. It was like lightening struck when I read his (very well written) first email and profile.11 -
kshama2001 wrote: »If it really bothers you: women are terrible at evaluating a dude's height IRL. Just saying...
Someone should compare the distribution of male height on dating apps with that of the general male population.
That's because men are lying, not because woman are terrible at evaluating men's heights.
@kshama2001 I think you are probably right. I'm 5 10 (actually just shy of it) but have had several men who are clearly shorter than I am, tell me I must be 6ft as they are 5 10.
Not sure if they've been lying so long they forgot how tall they actually are.. or think I'm so dumb I can be convinced I'm a different height.
It reminds me of the joke as well
Why are women so bad at parking?
Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.
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Tried to read through this whole thread and I'm confused. When I got married 32 years ago, there were no dating apps (as far as I know). I find it hard to believe this is now the "normal" way to meet people and finally find a life partner. Actually people don't even seem to marry for life anymore.
As for preferences, I was adamant about a few "would never's" and "must be's" in my head, but the person I met didn't match all those criteria. Nobody will ever meet all the criteria!! This is not a fairy tale story, but I think we're still living "happily ever after" as they used to say in the books.
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Tried to read through this whole thread and I'm confused. When I got married 32 years ago, there were no dating apps (as far as I know). I find it hard to believe this is now the "normal" way to meet people and finally find a life partner. Actually people don't even seem to marry for life anymore.
As for preferences, I was adamant about a few "would never's" and "must be's" in my head, but the person I met didn't match all those criteria. Nobody will ever meet all the criteria!! This is not a fairy tale story, but I think we're still living "happily ever after" as they used to say in the books.
I wouldn't say that it is THE normal, but it is certainly "a" normal. It's not at all unusual to hear that someone has met a long-term partner online and even less unusual for people to use dating apps to arrange dates.2 -
janejellyroll wrote: »Tried to read through this whole thread and I'm confused. When I got married 32 years ago, there were no dating apps (as far as I know). I find it hard to believe this is now the "normal" way to meet people and finally find a life partner. Actually people don't even seem to marry for life anymore.
As for preferences, I was adamant about a few "would never's" and "must be's" in my head, but the person I met didn't match all those criteria. Nobody will ever meet all the criteria!! This is not a fairy tale story, but I think we're still living "happily ever after" as they used to say in the books.
I wouldn't say that it is THE normal, but it is certainly "a" normal. It's not at all unusual to hear that someone has met a long-term partner online and even less unusual for people to use dating apps to arrange dates.
Yes. Clearly the world is changing dramatically. Unfortunately, it appears that advertising for the ideal partner isn't guaranteeing long term relationships.
Regarding the original post, height-ism surely doesn't have to be a thing. I know a short man with a big tall wife, and two bigger men with very short tiny wives. All seem quite happy to me.1 -
cmriverside wrote: »...
Have you considered you may be a life-long single? There's nothing wrong with that.
...
I have considered it, and my therapist has even assured me that it's perfectly OK. And I do more or less like my life. I do what I want, when I want. It's comfortable and yet, somewhat paradoxically, I've also received steady advice to "get out of my comfort zone" as part of recovery. And for me, few things are as uncomfortable as ... this stuff.
But there is the little voice inside me that says, "Lonely! Lonely Bad! Me Hurt and Lonely!" I look at friends who have started families and now have kids entering college. They're in an entirely different world. I'm sure there are times they look at my life with a little envy, too.
But if you are looking to a woman to fill that hole inside you, you'll be endlessly disappointed.
No one was put on this planet to heal your wounded soul. That's up to you.
Like I said, 4th and 5th Step.9 -
It's simply a matter of what you're attracted to, nothing more. I'm 5' 10" and well over 6' in heels. I prefer to date men over 6' because I don't enjoy feeling like a giraffe next to a man. When I was on dating sites I would get messages from men telling me to change my profile because "some men like dating taller women." The fact that they would even tell me to change my own standards and preferences to accommodate strangers is ludicrous.11
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"some men like dating taller women."
Oh well in that case....3 -
janejellyroll wrote: »Tried to read through this whole thread and I'm confused. When I got married 32 years ago, there were no dating apps (as far as I know). I find it hard to believe this is now the "normal" way to meet people and finally find a life partner. Actually people don't even seem to marry for life anymore.
As for preferences, I was adamant about a few "would never's" and "must be's" in my head, but the person I met didn't match all those criteria. Nobody will ever meet all the criteria!! This is not a fairy tale story, but I think we're still living "happily ever after" as they used to say in the books.
I wouldn't say that it is THE normal, but it is certainly "a" normal. It's not at all unusual to hear that someone has met a long-term partner online and even less unusual for people to use dating apps to arrange dates.
Yes. Clearly the world is changing dramatically. Unfortunately, it appears that advertising for the ideal partner isn't guaranteeing long term relationships.
Regarding the original post, height-ism surely doesn't have to be a thing. I know a short man with a big tall wife, and two bigger men with very short tiny wives. All seem quite happy to me.
I don't think anything can guarantee a long term relationship. People have been splitting up forever.
As time passes and we have more data on the long term success of the relationships of people that met online, I guess we'll be able to draw more solid conclusions.
I don't know if getting matched by an app is that different from some of the forms of matching we've had in the past -- being fixed up by friends, personals ads, dating services, speed dating. People have formed lasting relationships (and nightmare partnerships) via these for a while now. You have basic criteria (your friends know you like funny guys, you tell the dating service you prefer blondes, whatever), you meet someone, you see where chemistry and fate takes the both of you. You still need to be able to interest someone and generate a spark no matter what you do. And if you decide to be serious, you need the skills and communication to make a relationship work.
My husband and I met online (back when it was more like personal ads) and it's completely irrelevant to our lives fifteen years later. I know couples who've met on Tinder or similar aps and it seems to be the same with them.1 -
I watched a tv program where one woman actually said she would choose an ex con over a man shorter than her.
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It seems like a lot of people in recovery tend to me significant others through recovery related activities...meetings, outings, etc. They have a lot in common and know what the other one is going through.0
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_BlahBlah_BlackSheep_ wrote: »It's simply a matter of what you're attracted to, nothing more. I'm 5' 10" and well over 6' in heels. I prefer to date men over 6' because I don't enjoy feeling like a giraffe next to a man. When I was on dating sites I would get messages from men telling me to change my profile because "some men like dating taller women." The fact that they would even tell me to change my own standards and preferences to accommodate strangers is ludicrous.
I had a male friend tell me I'd have better luck if I "dumbed it down"
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Evidently, OkCupid users are taller and wealthier than average. What other explanation could there be?kshama2001 wrote: »If it really bothers you: women are terrible at evaluating a dude's height IRL. Just saying...
Someone should compare the distribution of male height on dating apps with that of the general male population.
That's because men are lying, not because woman are terrible at evaluating men's heights.
I've done a lot of online dating and think I only met two men who didn't lie about their heights, and one of the liars was 6'3" and lied about being 6'4"! (My ex was 6'4" and I knew what standing next to someone that height was like.)
OK Cupid did the comparison:
https://theblog.okcupid.com/the-big-lies-people-tell-in-online-dating-a9e3990d6ae2
Tbh, I think it's both men lying and women not really being able to tell. YMMV but, in my experience, people (regardless of gender) only truly perceive five heights: "about the same as me", "a bit shorter", "a bit taller", "much shorter" and "much taller"; and most men would fall into the "a bit taller" and "much taller" categories with regards to most women.1 -
FutureFit2020 wrote: »"some men like dating taller women."
Oh well in that case....
Right??? Because my selection criteria is all about what they want. 2 -
kshama2001 wrote: »_BlahBlah_BlackSheep_ wrote: »It's simply a matter of what you're attracted to, nothing more. I'm 5' 10" and well over 6' in heels. I prefer to date men over 6' because I don't enjoy feeling like a giraffe next to a man. When I was on dating sites I would get messages from men telling me to change my profile because "some men like dating taller women." The fact that they would even tell me to change my own standards and preferences to accommodate strangers is ludicrous.
I had a male friend tell me I'd have better luck if I "dumbed it down"
One guy asked me about my interests (which include home renovation projects). He told me I'm too independent and need to learn how to lean on a man, because men like to feel needed. Okay, then...10 -
_BlahBlah_BlackSheep_ wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »_BlahBlah_BlackSheep_ wrote: »It's simply a matter of what you're attracted to, nothing more. I'm 5' 10" and well over 6' in heels. I prefer to date men over 6' because I don't enjoy feeling like a giraffe next to a man. When I was on dating sites I would get messages from men telling me to change my profile because "some men like dating taller women." The fact that they would even tell me to change my own standards and preferences to accommodate strangers is ludicrous.
I had a male friend tell me I'd have better luck if I "dumbed it down"
One guy asked me about my interests (which include home renovation projects). He told me I'm too independent and need to learn how to lean on a man, because men like to feel needed. Okay, then...
Feel free to come do all the home renovations at my house you would like. As far as $, I'm completely ok with being a domestic Dave....😉5 -
_BlahBlah_BlackSheep_ wrote: »It's simply a matter of what you're attracted to, nothing more. I'm 5' 10" and well over 6' in heels. I prefer to date men over 6' because I don't enjoy feeling like a giraffe next to a man. When I was on dating sites I would get messages from men telling me to change my profile because "some men like dating taller women." The fact that they would even tell me to change my own standards and preferences to accommodate strangers is ludicrous.
It's been 17 years since I was on an online dating site, but I do clearly recall one winner who asked me if I could rehome my cats because he didn't like cats. We. Had. Not. Even. Met.13 -
i find this thread fascinating.
I am married to a man who is not very tall - probably about 5ft 6. I am just under 5ft 4 so this is obviously still taller than me. have never been a high heels wearer so that didnt affect anything.
Met in real life so irelevant to thread I guess.....4 -
Mouse_Potato wrote: »_BlahBlah_BlackSheep_ wrote: »It's simply a matter of what you're attracted to, nothing more. I'm 5' 10" and well over 6' in heels. I prefer to date men over 6' because I don't enjoy feeling like a giraffe next to a man. When I was on dating sites I would get messages from men telling me to change my profile because "some men like dating taller women." The fact that they would even tell me to change my own standards and preferences to accommodate strangers is ludicrous.
It's been 17 years since I was on an online dating site, but I do clearly recall one winner who asked me if I could rehome my cats because he didn't like cats. We. Had. Not. Even. Met.
Ugh.
I had a guy ask me to move in with him, but tell me I'd have to get rid of my dog.
Um. I have my own place. You have two male messy roommates in an already too small house. Why in the world do you think I'd want to move in with you in the first place AND THEN get rid of a dog I'd had for eight years and I'd only known you for four months?????10 -
kshama2001 wrote: »If it really bothers you: women are terrible at evaluating a dude's height IRL. Just saying...
Someone should compare the distribution of male height on dating apps with that of the general male population.
That's because men are lying, not because woman are terrible at evaluating men's heights.
I've done a lot of online dating and think I only met two men who didn't lie about their heights, and one of the liars was 6'3" and lied about being 6'4"! (My ex was 6'4" and I knew what standing next to someone that height was like.)
OK Cupid did the comparison:
https://theblog.okcupid.com/the-big-lies-people-tell-in-online-dating-a9e3990d6ae2
Not sure I would really call someone 6 ft 3 who said they were 6 ft 4 a liar - maybe he just rounded it up to next inch
I know I am just over 5 ft 3 and half - I usually just say I am 5 ft 4 - didnt think that was dishonest.
seems in the realm of saying I went to bed at 10 pm when I really went to bed at 9:55.
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I've never sorted on height, although too many inches down or up from me is uncomfortable. (I like both genders, and a lot of women are shorter than me and a lot of men around here are taller than me.) What's more important to me is intelligence, a good sense of humor, a quick wit and congruencies in political outlook (my son is gay, I'm not dating a homophobe), religion or tolerance thereof, and allergies to pets, as well as having compatible kinks. My dominance is not merely in the bedroom, and I require partners who want to have me control their lives all the time. Otherwise it gets pretty uncomfortable for both of us. Also, some consideration of games within kink matter; I find rope boring as a top, and so if their idea of a fun kinky night involves being tied up, count me out. Not my thing.
And at the moment I have two partners, of seven and five years relationship duration, one male, one female, and we all live together very happily with two cats. We also have a varied and colorful bouquet of mental health issues, but we three manage them together.2 -
paperpudding wrote: »i find this thread fascinating.
I am married to a man who is not very tall - probably about 5ft 6. I am just under 5ft 4 so this is obviously still taller than me. have never been a high heels wearer so that didnt affect anything.
Met in real life so irelevant to thread I guess.....
Good. Glad I'm not the only one who finds it fascinatingly different.2 -
Huh... I have issues finding women that meet my criteria for a potential partner. It's not looks really. Height really isn't an issue. Not really into "little" people 4'8" and under or women over 6'6" or so.0
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