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My mother's husband died last night. He has been sick for most of the time I have known him to various degrees. He has a kidney transplant a number of years ago. My mother and he had a conversation after that and he said that if something serious happened that he did not want to be treated again. I've known all of this since Thanksgiving. At Thanksgiving they told me that his kidneys failed and that he was done. They said they would start hospice when he was at the point where he couldn't take care of himself. That started 9 days ago. Last night my mom called me and told me he was dead. It happened fast.
I'm really sad for my mom. She met him in a time where she was in a low spot. Despite being her caretaker for a number of years he was the best husband she could as for in my opinion.They really loved each other. At this point all I can do is be there for her for when she needs me. I don't know what else to say.
I'm so sorry. That is a horrible thing to have to go through. I hope your mom is okay.1 -
Nvm3
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Also nvm 😉2
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This is tough. Im in the same boat for different reasons. But here is what seems a harsh thought, but something i heard a while ago. The question you ask is, do you want to change whats needed in yourself to achieve your goals? If you say yes, than you are lying to yourself. The thought is, you have what you are willing to work and sacrifice for. If you dont have something you think you want, its because the consequences of whats needed to get there are greater to you than what you want. Its a brutal look into ones soul sometimes.
I am now 50 years old with no children, and i would have loved to have a family. I am financially secure and have all the means to raise a child......except i have not been able to get over my shortcomings of being lousy at relationships. I found out it seems too late that hard truth that I was in control of this the whole time, and decided to concentrate on other things instead of trying to address my issues. Dont wait until you are 50 to find out what could have been. Try taking steps now to get what you ultimately want. You have lots of time, but it goes by fast if you are not careful.15 -
My BIL has been battling Alzheimers for several years and the end is (finally)drawing near.
I shouldn't say finally but at this point, it's torture for my sister and the rest of the family. Pure torture. I hadn't been able to help for a week due to a throat issue/cold so when I went to help yesterday, it was difficult to see him even worse than he has been for the past 6-8 weeks. He's gone from Holocaust victim appearance to how is this man even still breathing? My sister loves him with each and every breath that's keeping them both alive. She's the most devoted wife and caregiver I've ever seen or probably will ever see in my lifetime.
They've had a lot of home health and hospice come in for the past 2 months. I'm having a really difficult time with how I'm feeling about hospice. So many of the RNs, LNAs, homemakers that come in are wonderful, caring, thoughtful, kind and just sweethearts. Man, but there are a few that have lied, covered up, made my sister feel like *kitten* the whole way through. In a situation like this, can't people find the tact and compassion that is needed to care for the patient and their families? Why does everything have to come down to funding, money, get 'em in and get 'em out type of thinking?? Our local hospice is quick to sign people up even before they're ready. IMO.
It feels like it's no more than a human assembly line. Sign 'em up, drug 'em to death, onto the next one. I realize nobody wants to see anyone in pain, I honestly do get that. But from day 1 Hospice has promoted increasing morphine even way back when.
I hope our local hospice is an exception and not the rule. But so many of them seem cold and hard.
So much frustration and anger right now.13 -
My BIL has been battling Alzheimers for several years and the end is (finally)drawing near. I shouldn't say finally but at this point, it's torture for my sister and the rest of the family. Pure torture. I hadn't been able to help for a week due to a throat issue/cold so when I went to help yesterday, it was difficult to see him even worse than he has been for the past 6-8 weeks. He's gone from Holocaust victim appearance to how is this man even still breathing? My sister loves him with each and every breath that's keeping them both alive. She's the most devoted wife and caregiver I've ever seen or probably will ever see in my lifetime.
They've had a lot of home health and hospice come in for the past 2 months. I'm having a really difficult time with how I'm feeling about hospice. So many of the RNs, LNAs, homemakers that come in are wonderful, caring, thoughtful, kind and just sweethearts. Man, but there are a few that have lied, covered up, made my sister feel like *kitten* the whole way through. In a situation like this, can't people find the tact and compassion that is needed to care for the patient and their families? Why does everything have to come down to funding, money, get 'em in and get 'em out type of thinking?? Our local hospice is quick to sign people up even before they're ready. IMO.
It feels like it's no more than a human assembly line. Sign 'em up, drug 'em to death, onto the next one. I realize nobody wants to see anyone in pain, I honestly do get that. But from day 1 Hospice has promoted increasing morphine even way back when.
I hope our local hospice is an exception and not the rule. But so many of them seem cold and hard.
So much frustration and anger right now.
End of life issues seems to be so challenging for every single person involved. I'm sorry you're dealing with all this @ReenieHJ Draw nearer to your sister, it sounds like you two are already super close. You can lean on each other.4 -
This is tough. Im in the same boat for different reasons. But here is what seems a harsh thought, but something i heard a while ago. The question you ask is, do you want to change whats needed in yourself to achieve your goals? If you say yes, than you are lying to yourself. The thought is, you have what you are willing to work and sacrifice for. If you dont have something you think you want, its because the consequences of whats needed to get there are greater to you than what you want. Its a brutal look into ones soul sometimes.
I am now 50 years old with no children, and i would have loved to have a family. I am financially secure and have all the means to raise a child......except i have not been able to get over my shortcomings of being lousy at relationships. I found out it seems too late that hard truth that I was in control of this the whole time, and decided to concentrate on other things instead of trying to address my issues. Dont wait until you are 50 to find out what could have been. Try taking steps now to get what you ultimately want. You have lots of time, but it goes by fast if you are not careful.
I wholeheartedly agree.6 -
This is tough. Im in the same boat for different reasons. But here is what seems a harsh thought, but something i heard a while ago. The question you ask is, do you want to change whats needed in yourself to achieve your goals? If you say yes, than you are lying to yourself. The thought is, you have what you are willing to work and sacrifice for. If you dont have something you think you want, its because the consequences of whats needed to get there are greater to you than what you want. Its a brutal look into ones soul sometimes.
I am now 50 years old with no children, and i would have loved to have a family. I am financially secure and have all the means to raise a child......except i have not been able to get over my shortcomings of being lousy at relationships. I found out it seems too late that hard truth that I was in control of this the whole time, and decided to concentrate on other things instead of trying to address my issues. Dont wait until you are 50 to find out what could have been. Try taking steps now to get what you ultimately want. You have lots of time, but it goes by fast if you are not careful.
This is sound advice.2 -
This is tough. Im in the same boat for different reasons. But here is what seems a harsh thought, but something i heard a while ago. The question you ask is, do you want to change whats needed in yourself to achieve your goals? If you say yes, than you are lying to yourself. The thought is, you have what you are willing to work and sacrifice for. If you dont have something you think you want, its because the consequences of whats needed to get there are greater to you than what you want. Its a brutal look into ones soul sometimes.
I am now 50 years old with no children, and i would have loved to have a family. I am financially secure and have all the means to raise a child......except i have not been able to get over my shortcomings of being lousy at relationships. I found out it seems too late that hard truth that I was in control of this the whole time, and decided to concentrate on other things instead of trying to address my issues. Dont wait until you are 50 to find out what could have been. Try taking steps now to get what you ultimately want. You have lots of time, but it goes by fast if you are not careful.
“Don't believe every thing you think.”
"Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don't have to like it... it's just easier if you do.”
― Byron Katie
I think you're just hitting your stride and you're not too old to have all of these things you want. You take really good care of yourself and you can/will find someone who wants these things, too. They'll be younger than you but that doesn't matter. You have a lorra lorra to offer someone and don't you forget it.2 -
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This is tough. Im in the same boat for different reasons. But here is what seems a harsh thought, but something i heard a while ago. The question you ask is, do you want to change whats needed in yourself to achieve your goals? If you say yes, than you are lying to yourself. The thought is, you have what you are willing to work and sacrifice for. If you dont have something you think you want, its because the consequences of whats needed to get there are greater to you than what you want. Its a brutal look into ones soul sometimes.
I am now 50 years old with no children, and i would have loved to have a family. I am financially secure and have all the means to raise a child......except i have not been able to get over my shortcomings of being lousy at relationships. I found out it seems too late that hard truth that I was in control of this the whole time, and decided to concentrate on other things instead of trying to address my issues. Dont wait until you are 50 to find out what could have been. Try taking steps now to get what you ultimately want. You have lots of time, but it goes by fast if you are not careful.
For what it's worth... I get this. The feeling of sadness that things aren't the way you wanted them to be, and feeling like time may have run out, or is aggressively running out, on you.
Telling you it'll be ok and all will turn out in the end is little comfort, especially if it doesn't feel believable. Noone really knows what the future holds, so it's probably better to look actively into your present and be sure that you are living the life you need to live in order to help you best succeed at attaining the future you want.
I think that your warning to others to deal with your own personal crap is a very important one... but sadly one that few people will recognize applies to them.
I'm a single mom of two teens. It's so hard most days, and it's not a life that many men would want to jump into. I am coming to terms with the fact that I may very well be alone until they are grown and out of the house.. and by then it's hard to believe I will look or feel as good as I do now. It's hard to believe that if someone doesn't want all of me in this state, that they'll somehow want me five or ten years from now.
But... I have to believe there is a reason why I'm here, in this place, as I am right now. That maybe my plans aren't turning out the way I had hoped, but that there are better plans in store. It kind of helps... sometimes.
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@KickassAmazon76 Ummm, I don't think either one of you would have any problems finding someone out here in the wild, wild west. Location, location, location. You'd have to like rural living but the Big Sky is not the limit for you. They'd be standing in line for youins. All you need is a paycheck and a truck, you'd have to knock 'em off with a stick.4
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@Revolu and @Kickass have either of you ever given any thought to dating sites? Gasp I know there are traumatic stories everywhere about that but there are also success stories. Both my dds met some good people through sites; 1 dd lived with her partner for several years, bought a house, then broke up. It just wasn't in the cards for them to stay together but he was a nice guy, not some whacked out freak. My other dd has been with her bf for several years and they are such a great match; he's a super nice guy and they just bought a house together.
Anyways, just something to think about. You're both smart individuals so would go into that sort of thing with the deserved caution. But not all people are scary. Open yourselves up to the idea; even if it just means meeting new friends.
You're both so nice and if you want a relationship, you definitely deserve to be happy. There are no guarantees for anyone/anything in this world but part of life is going out there and taking a risk. 
As I slink back into my hermit-like cocoon safe comfort zone. 3 -
@ReenieHJ
I tried online dating last year and it was just... Frustrating and disheartening. A lot of disengenuous people looking for a roll in the hay and willing to say anything to get it.
Now that the kids are here full time, I don't have free days or nights to go out, without them knowing I'm going on a date. They don't want me to get hurt again, so they have anxiety at the thought of me dating. There's no ability to go out because of covid, and I'm just... Tired of the emotional drain of it all.
As lonely as it is sometimes... I feel like maybe I'm better off alone. Focus on my workouts. Focus on my kids.6 -
@Revolu and @Kickass have either of you ever given any thought to dating sites? Gasp I know there are traumatic stories everywhere about that but there are also success stories. Both my dds met some good people through sites; 1 dd lived with her partner for several years, bought a house, then broke up. It just wasn't in the cards for them to stay together but he was a nice guy, not some whacked out freak. My other dd has been with her bf for several years and they are such a great match; he's a super nice guy and they just bought a house together.
Anyways, just something to think about. You're both smart individuals so would go into that sort of thing with the deserved caution. But not all people are scary. Open yourselves up to the idea; even if it just means meeting new friends. You're both so nice and if you want a relationship, you definitely deserve to be happy. There are no guarantees for anyone/anything in this world but part of life is going out there and taking a risk.
As I slink back into my hermit-like cocoon safe comfort zone.
This may come off as conceited, and apologize if it does, but i have no trouble finding women to date. It seems i meet women every where i go. My problem is and always has been me. If i was different mentally im pretty sure i could of had a family. I just never gave it a chance and pretty much sabotaged anything that may have developed into something. Im working on it.....but unless i go out and rob the cradle, i doubt kids are in my futurd.6 -
KickassAmazon76 wrote: »
This is tough. Im in the same boat for different reasons. But here is what seems a harsh thought, but something i heard a while ago. The question you ask is, do you want to change whats needed in yourself to achieve your goals? If you say yes, than you are lying to yourself. The thought is, you have what you are willing to work and sacrifice for. If you dont have something you think you want, its because the consequences of whats needed to get there are greater to you than what you want. Its a brutal look into ones soul sometimes.
I am now 50 years old with no children, and i would have loved to have a family. I am financially secure and have all the means to raise a child......except i have not been able to get over my shortcomings of being lousy at relationships. I found out it seems too late that hard truth that I was in control of this the whole time, and decided to concentrate on other things instead of trying to address my issues. Dont wait until you are 50 to find out what could have been. Try taking steps now to get what you ultimately want. You have lots of time, but it goes by fast if you are not careful.
For what it's worth... I get this. The feeling of sadness that things aren't the way you wanted them to be, and feeling like time may have run out, or is aggressively running out, on you.
Telling you it'll be ok and all will turn out in the end is little comfort, especially if it doesn't feel believable. Noone really knows what the future holds, so it's probably better to look actively into your present and be sure that you are living the life you need to live in order to help you best succeed at attaining the future you want.
I think that your warning to others to deal with your own personal crap is a very important one... but sadly one that few people will recognize applies to them.
I'm a single mom of two teens. It's so hard most days, and it's not a life that many men would want to jump into. I am coming to terms with the fact that I may very well be alone until they are grown and out of the house.. and by then it's hard to believe I will look or feel as good as I do now. It's hard to believe that if someone doesn't want all of me in this state, that they'll somehow want me five or ten years from now.
But... I have to believe there is a reason why I'm here, in this place, as I am right now. That maybe my plans aren't turning out the way I had hoped, but that there are better plans in store. It kind of helps... sometimes.
I empathize with your situation. I wonder if things will work out in my relationship. If not, do I date? The answer for me is...not until my kids are grown and out of the house.
Its different being single with kids, lonely and taking on the world while keeping a smile so people don't see you hurting. Everyday seems to bring new challenges and just when I think I have it down...the wheels fall off!
But I'm determined to not rush my time with my kids. Take vacations and enjoy the time afforded me with them before they fly the coop. Since parenting single I have tapped into a previously unexplored skill called "cooking" all I can say is thank God for cook books!
I'll take it day by day and do the best with what I have. Your not alone in your struggle 😌10 -
Three months ago I agreed with my sister 100% about not overdoing the morphine with her dh. But now, Ohmygod now, I wish she'd see it's highly needed. And every time someone mentions it she gets angry and says he's not in pain. I go help every 3-4 days and in that short span of time not seeing him, I can see a big difference in his features. I know she's equating it to killing him; how on earth do I help her see differently without alienating her?
There's no way of knowing how much this man, who used to weigh 220, weighs now. But I can't think he's much over 75 lbs. It's killing me watching him and watching her watching him die.
Dear God.....14 -
I’m sorry Reenie. This is horrible. I’ve seen it myself.Three months ago I agreed with my sister 100% about not overdoing the morphine with her dh. But now, Ohmygod now, I wish she'd see it's highly needed. And every time someone mentions it she gets angry and says he's not in pain. I go help every 3-4 days and in that short span of time not seeing him, I can see a big difference in his features. I know she's equating it to killing him; how on earth do I help her see differently without alienating her?
There's no way of knowing how much this man, who used to weigh 220, weighs now. But I can't think he's much over 75 lbs. It's killing me watching him and watching her watching him die.
Dear God.....
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twitchandshout wrote: »
I’m sorry Reenie. This is horrible. I’ve seen it myself.Three months ago I agreed with my sister 100% about not overdoing the morphine with her dh. But now, Ohmygod now, I wish she'd see it's highly needed. And every time someone mentions it she gets angry and says he's not in pain. I go help every 3-4 days and in that short span of time not seeing him, I can see a big difference in his features. I know she's equating it to killing him; how on earth do I help her see differently without alienating her?
There's no way of knowing how much this man, who used to weigh 220, weighs now. But I can't think he's much over 75 lbs. It's killing me watching him and watching her watching him die.
Dear God.....
We had a friend also go through this. It's so freaking heart breaking. 😔💔
I hope he finds relief soon and an sending you all the love. ❤️7 -
Three months ago I agreed with my sister 100% about not overdoing the morphine with her dh. But now, Ohmygod now, I wish she'd see it's highly needed. And every time someone mentions it she gets angry and says he's not in pain. I go help every 3-4 days and in that short span of time not seeing him, I can see a big difference in his features. I know she's equating it to killing him; how on earth do I help her see differently without alienating her?
There's no way of knowing how much this man, who used to weigh 220, weighs now. But I can't think he's much over 75 lbs. It's killing me watching him and watching her watching him die.
Dear God.....
Im so sorry Reenie.. big hugs and I hope its all over soon for all your sakes 😔2
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